“I do”-


Musings by Brian

I think back to the birthday party I threw for Michael and remember all the comments I got THAT time, when I asked Justin what he had to say he just looked at me, smiled slightly and said,
"You're going to need someone to help clean up this mess." At the time, I thought he meant the mess in the apartment but a few days later, when he realized how lost I was without Mikey, my best friend, he went to him with my "gift" and explained why I had done what I had. He just has this ability to see through me and read my thoughts rather than listening to what I say. Because I have tried to push him away, with words and actions, but he is right when he says, he's onto me. Because he really is.

I remember when I realized for the first time that Justin was not just another trick or even just another boy but was more than a friend. Of course it was not a feeling I had EVER had before so I kept it to myself. I still held myself apart from him. And never, ever would I have told anyone about what I was feeling. It was when Kip Thomas brought suit against me. Ryder had the nerve to tell me to go home and lay low until I could get crucified-I know, not his words but it amounted to the same thing. As word spread, just about everyone thought Kip was telling the truth. That hurt, I had to say over and over again that I didn't do what he said. My FRIENDS actually believed that lying sack of shit over me.

Of course, Mikey treated me as he usually did. Whenever I was in trouble when we were growing up and I ended up at his house, Debbie would always feed me. So here comes Mikey with all the food and as always, I had the Beam. But Justin, Justin told me the next morning when Melanie came to give me the second degree, that he would do anything for me. When I looked up into his eyes that morning, I was struck by the love and sincerity that was shining back at me. I knew then that Justin was offering to help find a real solution. He wanted to find a way to save me which trumps a bucket of greasy wings any day of the week. The problem was that I didn’t have any real solutions, just a rapidly diminishing bank balance and not a prayer of winning the suit.

I had to wonder what Justin meant by this, then Kip once more came into my office and suggested that I not send any more "boys" his way because the one I had sent was more than enough. I must have looked surprised. "you know, that blond blue eyed fuck of yours, who blackmailed me to give up my suit." Now how many blue eyed blond fucks have I had? I can’t begin to count, but ones willing to risk their ass, literally, to save mine, well the list shortens down to one. So later that evening at Babylon dancing, I gave Justin the chance to tell me what he did, I honestly figured he'd make sure that I knew he WOULD do anything for me. But he didn’t, and it was at this point that I realized he really was selfless and had real feelings for me. Justin wanted ME, the real me, not the stud of Liberty Avenue, but the ad executive who had fucked up with Kip, who kept pushing people away that he cared for, the person he knew was inside of me even when I didn't. That night when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, I would have given him anything, but he asked for nothing--but me!

I can still remember how it felt the first time I saw him fucking someone else. I mean, I could do it in front of him, and did to teach him he didn't mean THAT much to me, but to see him... I thought my heart would break but never would I let him see that. Or any one else. It seemed that I HAD met my match, in more ways than one. And he did it just to teach me that he could do as well as I could, but I also realized that he didn't want to. He wanted just me.

I can also remember when I realized that I, in fact, did love Justin. And at his prom I showed him and the rest of his classmates just how much. The problem was he didn't remember my silent declaration of love. And of course, I retreated back into the shell of the man I was before he broke through. It was then though, that Michael realized the depth of my feelings because I had to have someone to help me through the pain of loss I felt when Justin entered the hospital and I didn't know whether he would live or die. I needed someone to help me face those that would blame me for Justin being the victim of a hate crime; because I blamed myself.

There was no absolution in my accusers’ eyes. Perhaps that was why I chose to keep a night vigil, I was afraid I would see the same condemnation in Justin’s gaze as well. Imagine my surprise when the victim was the very one to release me from my invisible prison of guilt and sorrow. Four words, “It wasn’t your fault.” I remember I couldn’t look at him the first time he said it. I was so afraid that I would see pity, but when he repeated those words I did meet his gaze and saw there the same sincerity I’d seen the morning he’d vowed that he’d do anything for me. I think that was the moment that I knew I’d do anything for him as well. Even walking away when he mother asked me to and then gratefully taking him back when she asked me, anything for Justin.

It is truly wonderful to have someone in my life that doesn't really pout, or at least pout for long, when things don't go his way. Justin has been served major disappointments, and some of them by me, but he doesn't cross his arms across his chest and look at me as if the world has come to an end and I am the cause. I have one 'best friend' who does that, and one is enough. I love Michael, he is my best friend, but I can only take so much of his "I want us to be together the way we used to be." I have grown beyond that with the help of a mature younger man and don't want to go backward in any way. I can only wish the same for him


"Mr. Kinney..Mr. Kinney"

"What...I'm sorry...yes I'm listening."

"Do you Brian Kinney, take Justin Taylor as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, until death do you part?"

Cupping his hand against Justin's face as he often did, Brian looked into Justin’s eyes with all the love he felt for this young man showing and hoping that he could see it. Brian still had trouble saying those words, but this time he had no trouble saying, "I do, I definitely do."