Thanks to my beta Britt for doing a great job. Also thanks to the girls. You know who you are.
Brian POV: Well, it’s been two long days since Mikey killed himself. Justin and I walk into the funeral home, only to be greeted by family and friends. “I’m glad that you are here baby.” Emmett hugs Justin as we move past him. We spot the rest of the family in the pews, and Justin leaves my side to go up by Deb. “Hey Sunshine.” She hugs us both but keeping her eyes on Justin. “Hey Deb.” Justin looks around and lowers his head. “I guess we better go sit down.” Justin quietly replies. “No, you stick right here by me.” Deb grabs Justin’s arm. Justin nods his head and sits back down. I take the seat next to him and put my arm around him. The minister gets up on the podium. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here this morning to bid farewell to a young man named Michael Andrew Novotny. I have been asked to do this sermon as casual as possible since the young man being buried was light headed in many areas.” Some people laughed at the joke. “Michael was the son of Debbie, who we all know as Mother Deb……” the preacher went off on his own thoughts. I look at Justin who is just staring at the picture of Mikey on the casket. “I have been told that there was a young man was asked to give the eulogy so I will ask him to step up here now. Justin Taylor.” I look at Justin whose head shot up as well. “Deb, I can’t I told you” He whispers to Deb. “Yes you can, do it for Michael” Justin slowly gets up and walks up. “I umm, don’t know what to say really. Michael and I were together for a few years. I loved him” Justin wiped some tears away and my heart was breaking for him. “Mikey loved comics and he loved” Justin looked behind me at someone, I turn to see Ben sitting there, wiping his own tears. I look back up to Justin. “Come on Sunshine, do it for Michael” Deb said again. I look back up as Justin wipes his eyes and seems to be frozen in time. “Justin?” The minister said. I get up and go up to join Justin. I wrap an arm around him and he looks at me then back at Ben. “Justin” I whisper to him. “You don’t have to do this.” “Justin honey, he would have wanted you to.” Vic replied. “Why should I, he didn’t even think twice about how this would effect us. How this would hurt everyone here. How fucking around on me with someone who has HIV would be safe for him, just to think it was a curse because he cheated around on me. Do what for Mikey, make him happy to have us all here, like this. Hell yeah, he loved the attention. Why should I do something for him when he isn’t fucking alive to enjoy it. Why didn’t I just stay?” He pulls away from me crying. “He didn’t even think about his friends or family when he cheated, or when he killed himself.” Justin starts to lose his balance as he looks at the casket again. I reach for him but he jerks away. “Justin sweetie, calm down” Deb tells him coming up to see him, but it’s to late, Justin collapses into my arms and falls to the floor. “Shit! He’s having a panic attack. Everyone move away.” Deb instructs. “Brian, pick him up and carry him into the office. Lay him on the couch in there. I do as she tells me. “Get a wet cold washcloth.” Em brings one over and Deb hands it to me, since I won’t leave his side. I run it on his face. He’s lying on his side so I rub smoothing circles on his back. “Mikey” He whispers and I wish he was alive so I could kill the son of a bitch. “Shh, relax baby” I whisper to him. He calms down and falls asleep. I go out to let everyone know that he is ok. “You’re good with him Brian” Deb tells me, I just nod my head. “I didn’t know Brian. I thought it would help him.” “Ya it did, right into a fucking panic attack. Deb, he’s hurting. He blames himself; he hates life right now, even though he cares for me, this is really killing him slowly.” “I know, and we will all be there for him.” “He just feels like there is unfinished business.” I whisper to her. “Brian, just be there for him. He is pushing us all away from him.” She hugs me close as the minister comes back up. “Shall we continue?” “Let me go get Justin” She answers. As she goes in she comes running back out. “He’s gone, Brian he’s gone” “WHAT?” No way. How did he get past us?” I look at Deb and turn to the minister. “Go ahead and continue it. I’m going to go look for Justin” Deb nods at me and I walk out, never even noticing that Ben also disappeared. ******************************* Justin POV: I couldn’t deal with all the sadness again, knowing all I had to do was stay with Mikey and all of them would still be smiling instead of crying. When I woke up in the office and I was alone, I snuck out the window. I’m currently walking in the cemetery when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see Ben standing there. “What the fuck do you want?” I ask him angrily. “Justin, let’s talk. I know that you are hurting and I want to help you.” “Help me, that’s a fucking laugh. You destroyed my commitment to Michael. Now he’s dead and he died with the disease YOU fucking gave him. How does it feel to know you gave it to someone? How does it feel to know you destroyed all of their lives because you couldn’t keep your hands, or your dick away from what was mine? It should be you in the casket, not Mikey.” I start to cry as Ben pulls me into him. I push him away “Justin look, I told him I didn’t think it was right, but people make mistakes. I fell for a taken man. I am sorry.” I pull my arms from his hold and punch him. “Fuck you. Fuck him, fuck. FUCK LIFE.” I scream. “Justin, please, you need to calm down.” “Don’t tell me what to do.” And I am starting to think I should listen as I am hit with another panic attack. Ben takes my arm and pulls me into him, running his hands on my back. “Calm down Justin.” “I can’t Ben” I say just above a whisper. “I can’t live life knowing he died wanting me” *********************************************** Ben POV: “Yes you can. You will. You have people who care about you.” I whisper to him. “They are his family” He tells me. “No they are yours too. And you are mine as well.” He cries even more so I pick him up and he lays his head on my shoulder, shaking. “I killed him” I put him in my car and drive us some place we can talk and not be interrupted. I didn’t know just how bad this was affecting Justin. I know at the hospital when he was using that wall to hold him up that this would blow up for him. Once we get to my cabin I pick up the now sleeping Justin and take him in, laying him on the bed I get the wash rag and wipe his face. Just then his cell phone rings, I pick it up automatically knowing whose calling. “He’s fine. He’s resting.” “Ben if you fucking touch him I will kill you. Let me talk to him.” I take a deep breath. “ I’m not waking him Brian. We are going to talk and work out these feelings of blame. I am not out to hurt him.” “Could’ve fooled me. Tell me where the fuck you are so I can come get my boyfriend.” “Brian, Justin doesn’t need you hovering over him. Give him some time. I will have him call you when he wakes up.” I hang up the phone and turn it off. As I wait for Justin to wake up I begin to make some tea. Justin starts to stir so I walk back in there and sit next to him. “Here Justin, drink some tea it will help you feel better.” He takes a drink and then looks at me. Looking around he notices he’s somewhere he doesn’t know. “Where the fuck am I? Why did you bring me here? Ben, take me the fuck home NOW!” “No, not until we get past this self blaming. Michael wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.” “Bullshit or he wouldn’t have done it and with my fucking sweater on” I see his eyes start to water. “Justin I know this is hard on you. I know you loved him.” “So did you, and he fucking loved you as well” He spats out. “Not as much as he loved you. Justin look, I didn’t bring you here to fight.” “Well too fucking bad. This is like kidnapping.” He gets up and walks around the room. “No, just borrowing you for a few hours or days depending on how much we get done here.” He punches me again. “Take me the fuck home Ben, I am not your little project now that Mikey’s gone.” “You were never a project Justin. I want to help you. Please let me help you.” I wipe some tears away. “Help me what, kill myself. No, I don’t need your help in that. Besides I wouldn’t do that because then I would kill Mikey again when I saw him.” “Justin.” “Fuck you Ben. You don’t know shit. I want to go home.” “No, not until this is settled.” “Settled, what, that you came between us, and now the man I loved is dead.” He starts to sob again. “FUCK!” he screams into the air. “That’s it, let it out.” “Fuck you, Fuck you FUCK YOU” He knocks some things off the table as he falls to the floor. “Why Mikey? Why did you leave me? Why? I’m so sorry” “Justin, Michael knew you didn’t trust him and he decided to end it with drugs instead of with words.” “He could have talked to me.” Justin wipes his tears as I slip my arm around his waist, pulling him into me. “What are you doing” He looks at me. “It’s called comforting.’ He nods and finally leans into me, crying until he felt like he had no tears left. “I want him to come back I would go back to him, I just want him alive” He softly said. “He doesn’t deserve death.” “Justin, he took that into his own hands.” “No, I killed him. All he wanted was me back. Why couldn’t I have just given that to him?” “Because you are just like every human being who can’t be with someone they don’t trust.” I tell him, running my hands on his back. “Ben, can I stay here awhile even when you do go back? And promise me you won’t tell anyone where I am.” “Justin, you can stay here as long as you like but you have to tell Brian you are okay. He’ll kill me if I show up without you.” Justin called Brian and told him he was fine that he just needs a few days of peace and quiet. I told him I wouldn’t leave until I knew he didn’t blame himself anymore. He said that he didn’t and that he blames me now. Well that’s a start. I head back to town and when I get there, Brian is sitting on the steps. “Brian, would you like to come up?” He smiles at me and before I knew it he punches me in the face. “Fuck what is it with you guys and punching me in the face. Fuck.” “Where is he Ben?” “He’s safe. I promised not to tell.” “So now you’re keeping another fucking secret that can end up the same fucking way. Ben he blames himself for all of this. He needs me.” “He needs time alone Brian. He told me he doesn’t blame himself anymore.” “He was fucking lying. You know how many times since that first night he has told me he doesn’t blame himself to just turn around and do it? Fuck Ben. Where is he?” “Brian.” “No, either you tell me or you and me are going to have rounds and one of us will be in the hospital. I want to go to my boyfriend, now where is he?” “He’s at my cabin at 2226 Lake Shore. Just tell him you threatened me and Brian, don’t fuck him up any more then he is.” I walk upstairs, as I look back I see Brian get into his car and drive in the direction of Justin. I just hope I made the right decision. I was going to tell him anyway. Justin does need him. Now if Justin could only forgive himself for something he didn’t do. ********************************************************** Brian POV: I pull up to the cabin and can spot a candle burning. I let myself in as I found the extra key. I go into the hot tub room and found Justin there in the tub. He’s been crying again, he has streaks running all down his face. I lean against the wall, watching him. “He told you where I was” He comments without opening his eyes. “I made him. I threatened to put him in the hospital. How did you know it was me?” “I know when you are near Brian. I could sense it. Please just go home. As you can see I’m fine.” Never opening his eyes he takes a drink of whiskey. “Justin, please, I want to help you and no I am not leaving you. Do you know how scared I was when Deb said you were gone? Then to find out you were with Ben.” “It wasn’t my idea. I had another attack fighting with him and he just brought me here.” “He said you told him you stopped blaming yourself.” “Whatever floats his boat and gets him to leave mine astray” “Justin, please, stop pushing me away” “I’m not pushing Brian, I just wanted to be alone.” I take off my clothes and climb in beside him. “And I know you still blame yourself” “Well why lay the blame somewhere it don’t belong? “ “My point exactly. It doesn’t belong on you either. Michael did it himself,” I say pulling him into my arms. He doesn’t fight me. I can hear him softly crying as he digs himself closer to me. “He had so much to live for” “And so do you Sunshine. So do you” I kiss his head and hold him until we both start getting cold and get out. I carry him to the bed where we lie together. He cries in my arms as he falls asleep. I pull him closer to me. “I love you Sunshine and come high or hell water I will not let you push me away.” I close my eyes and drift off, hoping tomorrow will be a better day and my Sunshine shines just a little bit more on me.