I want to thank my beta Britt for the fast beta. You are one of the best and I couldn’t have done it without you. I want to thank Sid for hounding me about this story. Thanks also to Ash for her evil mind ways. You are awesome. I know it’s been awhile but my muses are going crazy so more to come soon. Thanks to the girls for their love and support. Please leave feedback.<HR>




<b>Justin POV: </b>

 I woke the next morning to see Brian looking down at me. He has a concerned look on his face and I know that this must be where he tells me he can’t deal with it. That he thought about it all night and that he can’t handle my baggage and me.

“How are you Sunshine?” He asks me.

“I’m, umm, I guess I’m ok.” I whisper. “How long have you been up?” 

“Just a few minutes. I was watching you sleep, wishing I could draw you like you draw me.” He says smiling at me.  “Are you hungry? Because I am staving.” 

I reach down to grab his cock, knowing it wouldn’t take long for him to want sex again. But before I can grab him, he grabs my hand.

“Not for that Sunshine. I meant food. How about we take a shower and go to the diner for breakfast?” I simply nod my head.

When we’re in the shower, he washes me slowly and looks into my eyes. “It will be okay Justin. You will see. I will be here no matter what.” Then he leans over and kisses me on my lips and smiles.

I start to look down but he takes my chin in his hand and lifts it until I’m looking into his eyes. “Tell me what you are thinking.” 

“I just don’t know what to think or feel. I just want to be normal.” 

“You are far from normal Baby. And before you think it, it has nothing to do with your past. You are far from normal because to me, you are an angel.” 

I try to believe him but I can’t. How can he see me as an angel when he has seen me as my father’s personal whore?

“I’m not an angel” I whisper softly.

“To me you are. You are beautiful. You are strong. Stronger then you think. You make me happy Justin. Never doubt that. Never doubt my feelings.”

I nod my head, knowing within time, he won’t see me like that. Once the shock wears off and the sight of me on my knees, being ‘owned’ by my father comes back to mind. He will run as fast as he can.

We get out of the shower and dress then head over to the diner. I’m not sure I can handle this today. We see Emmett, who looks at me and knows something isn’t right. He comes over to me and hugs me, looking at Brian.

“What happened Baby?” Em asks.

“A bad night E. Brian had to call Dade.” 

“Why didn’t you call me?” Emmett asks looking at Brian.

“Because I didn’t know what the fuck to do and Dade is the professional. Besides, I didn’t need your Queen ass freaking out and you two having drama moments.” I look at Brian who winks at me and smiles. 

“I don’t give a rat’s ass. If something is wrong with my Baby, I want to know.” Emmett demands.

“He’s right E. I can’t turn to you every time.” 

“And Emmett, for the record, he is NOW and FOREVER MY Baby.” Brian tells him and winks, making Emmett smile.

“I know he’s in good hands, but Brian, if something happens, I will hurt you.”

“And the fucked up thing is, I believe him. Nothing worse then a protective drama queen.” We laugh and move to a booth to sit down.

“What can I get you boys?” Deb asks as she leans over, kissing my cheek.

“I would like a pancake special with some bacon on the side and a glass of OJ.” I tell her.

“I’ll have the same,” Brian said as we all look at him. “What? My blond wore me out last night” 

“Well as long as you keep up your energy.” She smacks her gum and walks off.

“So what are you boys doing today?” Emmett asks looking around the table.

“Well I’m going to be at work. Weekends are busy at the store.” Mikey said

“I have papers to work on” Ben jumps in and replies.

“I’m just going to relax.” Ted explains his side. “What about you?”

“I’m going to be my normal happy self and get my stuff in order for the party I am catering.” Em spills out happily.

“I think we are just going to hang out at the loft and” before he can finish Ted jumps in. 

“And fuck all day.” He smirked at us.

“No, we are going to relax and just enjoy life.” Brian gives everyone a warning look as he slips his arm around my shoulder.

After finishing breakfast we head back to the loft. I sit down on the couch as Brian gets some bottles of water. 

“Justin, I know that things may not seem like it now, but they will get better.” I know he’s trying to reassure me but it also seems like he’s trying to reassure himself as well. Or it could just be me.

“I hope so” I can barely look at him right now. After my nightmares last night and the concerned looks he keeps giving me, I don’t want to be pitied by him. I just want him to love me.

“Justin, I need you to believe in me like I believe in you. I know it’s hard but I am here for you.” I look at him and I can’t help but want to believe him. But after witnessing what my father did to me, how could he love a whore. Even if it was rape, he still saw me there, knelt down with my father’s dick up my ass.

“Okay” Is all my mind would allow me to say.

“Fuck, Justin. Listen to me okay? I am here for the long haul. I don’t know what you are thinking, so please tell me.” Brian seems upset.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to forget all of it.” I look down at my hands.

“Justin, it’s a part of your life. It’s apart of you that can’t be forgotten, even if you tried. So the only thing left to do is get the help you need and let me be there to hold you and support you.” I hate this. I hate the feeling of knowing that my past has come back to haunt me. Course I am the one that trusted him and let him read my file. But to read it and see it first hand is totally different. 

Reading it is like reading a book and it could be just a book. But to see it, to see your lover getting ass raped with his own eyes is too much. I couldn’t handle seeing Molly and I couldn’t handle seeing Brian get hurt. So I know he can’t be this cool with everything. Not even the King of Liberty Brian Kinney can deny what I am and what happened to me.

“You have so many people who love you and are there for you. Hell, I know for a fact that the drama queen Emmett would kick my ass if I didn’t take care of you like he would. You saw how pissed he was I didn’t call him last night.” I smile thinking back to earlier today.

“I do need help Brian. I can’t handle this alone.”

“You are never alone, not anymore” He pulls me into him. “No matter what Justin, I will be there for you.” I know that I can’t keep doing this to him. I can’t have him putting his life on hold every time I have a nightmare. Or every time something upsets me. He has a life. He had a life before me. Now I am taking it away. 

I have to give him his life back. But the only way I can do that is to give him up. Leave him. But I can’t handle this either. I know I need heaps of therapy. But where do I go? I know E would have me, but I don’t want to be a burden to him, even though he is my best friend. That’s the first place Brian would look and I don’t want to hurt their friendship. Or I could ask Dade if I could stay with him. Brian would never look there. 

“Justin, what are you thinking?” I am brought out of my thoughts to look at Brian’s concerned face. “Are you okay?” 

“Ya. I’m fine. Just a lot of things on my mind that I’m not ready to talk about yet.” 

“Okay, then we can whenever you are. I won’t push you.” He runs his hand down my cheek. 

“Thank you.” I take a drink of the bottle of water, closing my eyes. “Did you have anything to do today?”

“Nope, just be with you.” I feel his hand on my leg and I get the idea that he wants to have sex. 

“Want to have sex?” I ask him.

“No, I don’t. I just want to be here with you. We can watch movies and chill. Hell, I will even pose for a picture.” He smiles at me that makes me grin a little myself.

“You would have to sit still for long periods of time.” I joked.

“I know, but I don’t mind. I like being the center of attention. You know that.” We both laugh.

“I knew that, but I will do that later.” We get comfortable and put a movie on to watch. Brian pulls me into him as I rest my head on his chest.

I know that this is where I want to be, but I know it’s not where I deserve to be. It’s not that I don’t love him. It’s that I love him so much that I need to leave to let him have a normal life.

I look up at him and see he has fallen asleep.

I slowly get up as he lies down on the couch, letting one leg hang over the side. I get my sketchbook out and sat in the chair across from him and started to sketch. I don’t know how long I was drawing when Brian spoke up.

“Are you almost done? I have to piss like a racehorse.” I laugh at his timing.

“Ya, I’m done with it.” He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Coming out he leans on the chair arm and looks at the sketch. 

“Damn you are fucking fantastic. Course I knew you were.” I love the fact he tells me I’m talented.

“Thanks” I whisper.

“Justin, look at me.” When I do he continues. “You are talented. Don’t ever doubt that. In so many ways you are. I love how you draw me. It’s weird because I never know how you see me like this. I look so peaceful and of course hot. But you make me look more, human.” He looks at the picture again and smiles.

“I draw what I see” I tell him He always makes me smile. I just wish I deserved him. I know I keep saying this over and over but I can’t help it. I feel this way and I am trying to talk myself out of doing what I plan on doing.

“Penny for your thoughts. Or should I say, kiss for your thoughts?” Brian looks down at me.

“Just thinking how lucky I am.” But not lucky enough.

“No, I’m the lucky one Sunshine” He kisses my forehead.

“I’m getting sleepy myself.” I tell him.

“Then come here.” He takes my hand and leads me to the couch. Sitting down he puts my head into his lap and runs his hands through my hair. Before I knew it, I was sound asleep.

<I>”You think he wants you? You are nothing but a slut Justin. You spread your ass for anyone who wanted it. That’s why you were so easy. You are nothing to anyone, or me. You will never be loved the way you want. You will never be able to forget this. You won’t be able to be with him, or any one without thinking of what I did. </I> I can hear my father’s voice. I don’t see him, but the words he is saying matches up. He’s talking to me and laughing at me. <I> You will never be loved. You kill love. </I>

I can feel myself shaking, but calming hands are stroking my head. I can hear Brian in my dreams. 

<I> Justin, its ok. You are safe.” I hear his words.

“You are never safe Justin. You are nothing but trash.” I hear my father speak I don’t know which one to trust.

“Justin, baby. Wake up.” I hear Brian and feel him running his hand down my cheek. </I> 

I open my eyes and see Brian looking down at me, worried. He wipes my eyes where I have been crying.

I lean up and hug him tight. I can’t live without him. I need him.

“It’s ok Sunshine. I’m here.” The phone rings as he picks it up, never letting me go. 

“Hello? Hey Mikey. No I can’t. I need to stay in with Justin tonight. He’s had a rough few days. Okay later.” He hangs up his phone.

“Brian if you want to go out with Mikey, you can. I will be fine. Some time alone would be good for me.”

“No I won’t leave you alone. Mikey has the gang. We are going to stay in and rest tonight” He looks at me. 

“Brian” I start to say but he stops me. 

“No, Sunshine. Now I am going to take a shower. Why don’t you order us something to eat?” I nod my head as he gets up. 

“Brian, I love you.” 

“I love you too” He kisses me and walks into the bedroom. Knowing what I need to do. I can’t keep letting him put his life on hold. Not for me

Picking up the phone I dial a number I have known by heart for most my life. 

“Emmett. I need a favor.” After telling him I am coming over we hang up the phone. I take a pen and paper out, writing a note for Brian.

I pick up my sketchbook so I can keep something that reminds me of him. Looking back towards the shower, wiping a tear away. “I will always love you” 

 I walk out the door to go to Emmett’s and out of Brian’s life. Knowing he deserves his life back, and that I have to let go of mine.