Three’s a Crowd Chapter 6 “Brian, Clive’s asking if you can go down to the art department and take a look at the Liberty Air campaign … he says it’s just about done.” “Thanks, Cynthia,” replied Brian, picking up the messages from his P.A.’s desk and walking towards his office. Now back at work, Brian had thrown himself relentlessly into several campaigns: anything to stop from spending so many hours at home alone. Time was when he wasn’t out tricking he’d probably have been with Michael, but not any more. There’d come the time when even Brian Kinney believed he was now getting a little too old for the club scene and besides Michael now had Ben. And though Brian had tried to convince himself he preferred his own company, he soon got bored staring at four walls. And at least at work he had something else to concentrate on: something other than keep going over his and Mark’s relationship. “There’s also one there from Michael,” called Cynthia. “Says can you get back to him soon” and Brian nodded to her as he opened his office door and then crossed the room to his desk. Placing his attaché case on the floor, Brian sat down and took a deep breath before making the call. “Michael …” “Hi Brian … Mom’s asking if you can come to dinner on Sunday”. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” replied Brian, remembering the last time he’d had dinner at Debbie’s; when there’d been a little scene after Gus had thrown up over Mark and they’d had to leave early. That had been the last time he’d seen Mark: hardly a memory that lingered fondly. “Come on Brian … it’d be just like old times …” and Brian briefly closed his eyes and sighed. “Okay … I’ll be there,” and he put down the phone. Just like old times … dinner with the gang: great. It felt like he was taking a backward step when not too long ago he’d started to think he had a future of his own instead of his only family being part of Debbie’s extended one, despite the fact he loved her dearly and wouldn’t be without her or his friends, even though they’d never get to hear it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Going down to the art department, Brian found Clive adding the finishing touches to their latest campaign; Liberty Air and likely to be very lucrative and was surprised to find the head of the department using a piece of equipment he hadn’t seen before. Clive was using a Pen Tool to draw directly on to the computer monitor: adding both colour and shapes to his designs. “What’s that?” asked Brian, who suddenly realised he really should come down to the art department more often and Clive passed it to him. “Here … you try it …” Sitting down beside him, Brian lent across and started to draw on the screen to good effect and, not totally inept himself, he wondered what a much more artistic talent could produce using such equipment. “I guess this stuff is pretty expensive, right?” asked Brian and Clive laughed. “Yeah, you could say that … which is why I couldn’t believe it when Gardner agreed to buy the latest upgrade …” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Staggering up two flights of stairs, Brian cursed and not for the first time, the lack of an elevator in the old apartment building and he just managed to reach Justin’s door in time before he started to lose his grip on the large box he was carrying; it wasn’t particularly heavy, just awkward and he wedged it between himself and the wall. Justin opened the door after the first knock and couldn’t hide his surprise at finding who his visitor was. “Don’t just stand there … give me a hand,” asked Brian and Justin flung the door open wide and helped him inside with the box, which between them, they placed on the floor. “There’s two other boxes down in the car … you wanna help me with them?” asked Brian and he turned on his heel and headed back downstairs without waiting for an answer: Justin hesitating momentarily before following him. Brian handed Justin one of the boxes from his car and picked up the other himself and then they both made their way back upstairs. “What is all this?” asked Justin and Brian started the explanation he’d been rehearsing on the way over. “Did I tell you I’m in advertising?” he asked him, calling back over his shoulder as Justin followed him up the stairs. “Yeah,” replied the blond, “you gave me your card … remember?” and Brian smiled; yes, of course he had. “Well, the agency is updating some of the equipment and this was going begging … I thought you’d find it interesting …” Back inside the apartment and taking off his jacket despite the cold, Brian unpacked the boxes and then, having set up the computer, he held out the Pen Tool. “Have you seen one of these before?” he asked him and Justin’s jaw dropped. “Yeah … but I’ve never used anything like it … it’s pretty expensive stuff”. “Well, give it a go,” invited Brian and he pulled up a chair in order for Justin to sit down and the blond looked at him before he took the pen from Brian and the older man stepped back and watched, with more than just a little apprehension, as Justin began to draw directly on to the monitor. For the next fifteen minutes, Justin was totally engrossed in what he was doing and what he achieved, even in that short time surprised him greatly. “This is incredible”, said the blond when he eventually looked up from what he was doing and Brian smiled. “Why don’t I send out for something to eat while you see what it can really do?” he asked and Justin nodded. For the next two hours, Justin worked on producing various pictures, often sitting back in his chair and deep in thought. Glad to be getting something in their stomachs to stave off the cold, Brian had sent out for Chinese, which in the end Justin only picked at and Brian generally stayed out of his way, not wanting to intrude on the young man’s creativity. As he ate, Brian watched the blond at work; loving the way the young man was so engrossed in what he was doing; seeing his intensity in working out what he wanted to produce and he smiled at the look of total concentration on Justin’s face. And not for the first time did Brian notice the beautiful blue eyes, now wide open with incredulity as the printer produced the hard copies of his pictures. “These are amazing,” offered Brian: taking the pictures and laying them out on the table. “The computer did most of it …” Justin started to say and now standing closely by Brian’s side. “Bull,” came Brian straight back at him. “No piece of machinery is able to create something like this … these pictures come alive … that’s down to you … I bet you’d get into PIFA on the strength of them …” and Brian looked at the younger man, who had suddenly become very quiet and who now went to sit on the sofa. “What’s wrong?” asked Brian, suddenly concerned at Justin’s obvious distress and the young man shook his head. “It’s just … it’s just so different to what I’ve done before. I love the fine work it takes to produce a pencil drawing … the detail … but this …” and the blond sighed and took a deep breath and Brian could hear the tremor in his voice. “This is finally admitting I’m never going to be able to get back to where I was before … that I’ll never know how good I might have been …” said Justin quietly; dismay coupled with anger and then he covered his face with his hands as the tears came. After the bashing, Justin had all but given up hope of continuing with his art until he’d met up again with Mark. But even though he’d enjoyed returning to the craft in which he’d been so talented, he realised the toll it took in producing even one drawing: It was just such damned hard work. Brian closed his eyes; this wasn’t what was supposed to happen. He was hoping to show Justin what he could achieve; not what he’d lost and he knew he couldn’t ignore the despair the young man was now feeling and he crossed the room to sit down on the sofa beside him and hesitating for only a second, Brian put his arm around the younger man’s shoulders and instinctively, Justin moved towards him. Brian held his breath as Justin moved in to him and, slowly, Brian encircled him with his arms, trying to quell the trembling coursing through the young man’s body. This hadn’t been his intention; or even his desire, but now, with the blond in his arms, Brian could smell the shampoo lingering in Justin’s hair and, automatically, he placed his hand on Justin’s head so that he could feel the silkiness of the blond strands. Struggling to retain his senses, Brian tried to concentrate on the situation in hand. “I’m sorry Justin,” he said, quietly. “I didn’t mean for this to happen … but this doesn’t mean you can’t move on … there are different forms of art … this stuff still takes an incredible amount of talent …” but at this moment, Justin couldn’t be consoled with merely words. Without a sound in the room, but for the gentle hum of the hard drive, Justin clung to Brian, but this time, unlike the last when he’d been in the older man’s arms, Justin was fully awake and totally aware of what was happening; feeling the tension in the man’s hold and wondering was he too aware of what was passing between them? For Justin had all but forgotten Mark: the lover he was still mourning, as he snuggled in Brian’s arms and feeling totally and utterly safe and protected. And with his chin now on the older man’s shoulder, Justin turned his head and nestled into Brian’s neck. Brian could feel Justin’s warm breath against his skin and told himself this shouldn’t be happening; that he’d just said goodbye to his partner. He knew this wasn’t one friend comforting another; you could hardly call them that, they barely knew each other. No, it was actually far more than that and Brian started to admit the genuine attraction he felt towards this young man; something he’d felt the moment he’d first laid eyes on him but had ignored in trying to remain committed to Mark. But Brian couldn’t resist pulling Justin in even tighter and he closed his eyes: wanting to keep this moment forever and slowly, he relaxed. This felt so good, so instinctive; so very natural. Justin could feel the tension evaporate from Brian and he pulled away from him slightly in order to look into the older man’s face; that beautiful face which was now so close to his own. They stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed an eternity until Brian’s gaze shifted to Justin’s mouth and he saw the young man’s lips part slightly. With his hand at the back of Justin’s head, Brian brought the younger man in even closer: so that their lips were just brushing together and then he pulled away again. The look in Justin’s eyes gave Brian permission to proceed and, putting his hand to Brian’s face as confirmation, their mouths came together and Justin’s lips parted further, allowing Brian’s eager tongue unhindered entry. Entering Justin’s mouth: their tongues jostling briefly for supremacy, Brian licked the inside of the warm cavern and then, breathing through his nose, the older man deepened the kiss and Justin responded, both men’s eyes closed tightly, savouring the moment. With one hand between Justin’s shoulder blades and the other buried in the blond hair, Brian was no longer conscious of where he was or what had led up to this. All he could register was the taste of the younger man, the feel of his body and of Justin’s fingers running through his hair: a touch that left a tingling sensation on Brian’s scalp. Suddenly, Brian opened his eyes. What the fuck was he doing? This was the young man who’d been sleeping with his partner: someone Brian who, despite his better judgement, had chosen to help out as a friend. But friends didn’t act like this and, seeing Mark’s face float in front of him, Brian pushed back: breaking the contact with Justin. “I … I’m sorry … I didn’t mean … I think I should leave …” stuttered Brian, now freeing himself from Justin’s hold and pushing himself up of the sofa. “Brian …” Justin tried to take the man’s hand, but was pushed away. “We can’t ignore what just happened …” but Brian had turned his back. “Yes we can … we have to,” stated the older man and, having crossed the floor and putting a safe distance between them, Brian turned back to face him. “I … we’ve just buried someone we thought we were in love with … someone who was in love … or whatever the fuck you wanna call it … with both of us. You’re too vulnerable right now …” “And you’re not?” asked Justin and Brian closed his eyes and turned away again. How could he ever admit how vulnerable he really was, especially to Justin and confess that during his all too brief relationship with Mark that he’d begun to get used to the idea of sharing his life with someone else; that maybe being in love wasn’t such a bad thing after all? A love however, that had been tainted by Mark’s lies and deceit. Seeing the horror and dismay in the older man’s face, Justin didn’t need to be told what had happened: he could feel it himself and he fought to get his heart rate back to normal. Regardless of the feelings he still had for Mark, Justin couldn’t hide his disappointment at the older man’s apparent rejection, despite the fact their situation could hardly be described as commonplace. They weren’t two people who’d just come together through a mutual attraction. They’d been brought together owing to their love of the same man: a man who was now dead and yet who still stood between them. “What about the computer?” asked Justin, feebly, getting up from the sofa and moving towards Brian as the older man grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. “Keep it … good luck with school,” came the reply and he opened the door and stepped out into the hall. “See you around,” said Brian and then he turned and left. Slowly, Justin closed the door and then returned to the sofa and sat with his head in his hands; trying to work out what had just happened. He’d been immediately attracted to Brian that first time at the diner and from the look on Brian’s face and in his eyes he knew the older man must feel the same thing, despite both their reluctance to admit it. But what about Mark; the man was barely in his grave, how could he even think about the possibility of getting involved with anyone; let alone the man he’d been sharing him with? Trying to push from his mind his confused feelings about what had happened between himself and Brian, Justin returned to the computer. Although he’d been hugely disappointed at Brian’s rejection, he’d understood the man’s reluctance: after all, they’d both been hurt by someone they’d had feelings for and long after Brian had left, he stayed up working; seeing what he could produce and generally talking himself into giving art another go. Tomorrow he would find out what the chances were of getting into PIFA. Tidying everything up, Justin glanced back at the computer as he switched off the light as he went to bed and he frowned. There was no way this equipment was previously used he realised; it all looked too new. Shit: there was no way he could keep it; somehow he would have to give it back and he wondered again what Brian’s motives were. If the equipment had come from Mark, well then Justin would probably have accepted it: but Brian? They’d briefly shared a kiss; a kiss cut short by Brian’s apparent guilt and now there was no way he could accept expensive gifts like this and Justin sighed as he rolled over and eventually fell asleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Needing to know just where he stood, Justin made an appointment to see the Principal at PIFA, who remembered the young man’s talents and that he’d once made an application, but had been unable to take up the place, owing to his injuries and he was interested to see what the young man had to say. Justin nervously handed over the pictures he’d been producing on the computer and his heart sank as he waited, wondering why was it taking so long for the man to give him his decision. “These are … well … very dark and quite disturbing …” came the eventual statement and Justin waited anxiously for the decision. “But they are extremely good and we would undoubtedly offer you a place on the strength of them …” and Justin let out a deep sigh of relief. He would love to take up the place, but he would need the computer. Maybe if he made Brian see that it was just a loan, then he could accept it then. But when he returned home, a further bombshell awaited him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arriving later in the day for his shift at the diner, it didn’t take Debbie long to spot something was wrong. “What’s up, Kiddo?” she asked him and thinking how much more shit did this kid have to take. “My building’s been sold for some sort of redevelopment,” replied Justin, “and we’ve all been given notices to quit. What am I going to do Debbie? I could only just afford to live there … there’s no way I’m going to be able to go back to school and afford to live anywhere else”. “You’re going back to school?” asked Debbie and Justin looked at her. “Yeah … I’m sorry … I was going to talk to you about my shifts …” but Debbie interrupted him “but that’s great news, honey … there’s no way you should give up on that … and don’t worry about your shifts … we’ll work something out. But right now we need to find you a place to live … let’s just have a think …” Debbie smiled; the answer was right under her nose. “I have a spare room … you could rent that … there’s just me and my brother, Vic, now that Michael’s moved out”. “Are you sure?” asked Justin, hardly able to believe his luck. Debbie chuckled. “You go home and pack up your stuff … I’ll get one of the boys here to give you a hand in bringing it over to mine later …” and Justin gave Debbie a big hug; maybe things were starting to go right after all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For the next couple of days, Justin was so involved with moving into Debbie’s and working out when he was going to start at PIFA that he never got a chance to get in touch with Brian and tell him he would only accept the computer it if was agreed between them that it was a loan, and so far Brian hadn’t stepped inside the diner since the night he’d turned up at the apartment. Justin loved the relaxed if slightly haphazard house that Debbie kept along with her brother, with its décor and furniture that hadn’t been updated since the seventies; not that he knew anything about that decade. But Vic was friendly and accommodating, though he had to watch his health carefully, being HIV+ and could tell him about what it was like when he came out as a gay man; facing more bigotry than Justin could ever imagine and Vic would smile at the disbelief on the young man’s face and was glad that he hadn’t known those times. “There was no PFFLAG or Gay and Lesbian Centre back then,” Vic told him as they were sitting at the table and Debbie passed her brother his evening meal. “No one would even talk about it … let alone come out and admit to being gay … queer-bashing was an all weather sport …” “Still is, apparently,” said Debbie, ruffling Justin’s hair and the young man smiled up at her. He’d got used to Debbie and the motherly way in which she treated all the kids that came into the diner. She wasn’t his own Mom, but it was good to know she cared about him. “Well, are you all settled in?” she asked him, placing Justin’s dinner in front of him and Justin nodded. “Yes … thanks Deb and I start back at school in a couple weeks and there’s a few things I have to get first. It’s lucky I sold those pictures …” “It sure is,” agreed Debbie, now bringing her own meal to the table. “I figure I’ve got enough money to last for a while, but after that I’m not sure what I’m going to do,” said the young man, picking up his fork. “Don’t worry honey,” said Debbie, reaching out and touching the back of Justin’s hand. “In my experience, these things generally have a habit of working themselves out”. “I hope so,” replied Justin, “and I guess I could give my Dad another try … but I don’t hold out much hope on that score and he earns too much for me to get a grant … even though he won’t support me in the one thing I want to do” and Justin took a mouthful of his dinner. At least for now, he had a roof over his head, food in his stomach and someone it seemed, willing to look out for him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Hi Mom … what’s for dinner?” asked Michael as he and Ben entered the house and Debbie put her hand on her hip and turned around from the stove. “Well, Hi Mom … and how are you today? Glad to see you’ve got your priorities right …” she growled at him, giving him a slight slap as Michael and then Ben gave her a kiss. This was part of the Mother and son ritual that took place almost every time they got together; admonishment coupled with love. The doorbell rang and Ben offered to get it. Ted and Emmett had met Mel, Lindz and Gus on the doorstep and all were chattering away as they made their way into the warmth. “Something smells good,” observed Emmett and Debbie grinned. “And Vic’s made a coconut cream pie for dessert,” she informed them as the group all kissed her in turn and Vic started to lay the table; all too small, but made for a friendly, intimate gathering. The doorbell rang again and Ben, having just ushered in the earlier group, took up his duties once more and opened the door to Brian. The gang fell silent for a moment and Brian couldn’t help but notice their response to him and for a second, he considered turning around and going home, but then they all called their greetings and started chatting again and the awkwardness had passed. Brian smiled to himself: Yes, this was going to be like old times and it actually felt good. “There’s too many places,” observed Michael as Debbie started to dish up the dinner and then the group turned as they heard footsteps coming down the stairs in time to see Justin standing there and putting on his jacket. “What’s he doing here?” asked Michael. “He lives here,” stated Debbie and then she called over to the young man. “Where do you think you’re going, Sunshine?” she asked him and looking more than just a little embarrassed, Justin looked over the group, knowing full well that Brian was likely to be among them. “You’re having a family dinner …” “Yes, we are,” confirmed Debbie. “And seeing as how you’re living here now … you’re family … so find yourself a place and tuck in”. Brian was standing at the back of the group and the moment he realised Justin was present he closed his eyes; this was all he needed. But at the same time he realised how pleased he was to see the young man. He hadn’t had time to go in the diner since their meeting, or at least that’s what he’d told himself. But deep down he knew he’d been avoiding the place: not wanting to confront him or, more likely, not wanting to confront his own feelings. Michael looked at his Mother in total disbelief. How could she do this? How could she offer a home to a potential home-wrecker; someone who’d contributed to his best friend’s misery once having discovered his partner’s unfaithfulness? But Debbie wasn’t dumb; as well as genuinely wanting to offer Justin a home, she knew that Brian needed to face up to whatever feelings he had for Mark and Justin before he could move on. But it hadn’t escaped her notice at how their eyes now lingered on one another as Justin shook off his jacket or how, as the others started to be seated that Justin managed to sit opposite Brian at the table: Emmett smiling as the blond beat him to the chair. Justin soon fell in with the gang’s gentle bantering and even Michael had to admit the blond was good company and it wasn’t long before Justin and Brian were exchanging like for like and Lindsay glanced in Mel’s direction. No, she wasn’t imagining it; something was definitely passing between the two men. There was an obvious attraction, despite how it had come about. Lindz and Mel both knew of course that Brian had offered Justin a place at the loft after the accident and Lindz had wondered then at the wisdom of Brian’s actions. But as dinner progressed, Brian had begun to look more and more relaxed in Justin’s company and often held his gaze during conversation. Justin’s heart had been beating fit to burst, but he’d been determined to get the chair opposite Brian at the dinner table; Lindsay already sitting on one side of him and Michael the other. Initially, having discovered Brian’s presence, he’d wanted to sit next to him, but at least this way he could look at him more easily and, even though he thought he’d detected an initial unease, it had soon disappeared. And now seeing how comfortable Brian appeared to be, Justin hoped he would be able to broach the subject of the computer and make the man see he would accept it only as a loan and not as a gift. And maybe also, he’d be willing to talk about what happened the previous evening. At first, Brian tried to ignore the young man sitting opposite him, but then he actually found himself wishing he were sitting alongside him. The table settings were so close together, that would undoubtedly have meant them touching; knees, elbows and Brian told himself to calm down. What the hell was he thinking; hadn’t he fled Justin’s apartment after they’d kissed? A kiss he’d tried to tell himself had meant nothing; a kiss that made his heart beat faster and his blood pound in his ears and made him sweat just to think of it. No, it was nothing: just a kiss, right? Sure. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After dinner as the table was being cleared away and with far too many people already in the kitchen helping, Brian disappeared out the back door where he quietly lit a cigarette. He’d given up smoking for Mark and, as he drew on the nicotine, its bitterness struck him and he wondered why he’d thought it necessary that he needed to light up at this time. Seeing Brian leave, Justin quietly followed and suddenly appeared at the man’s elbow. Brian wasn’t surprised; he’d half been expecting, or maybe even hoping, that Justin would follow him out into the crisp night air. Unlike Brian, Justin had never been afraid to confront his emotions and he needed to try and make some sort of sense about what had happened a few nights ago as well as talk to Brian about his gift. “Brian …” Brian closed his eyes at the sound of Justin’s voice; knowing what was likely to follow, but dreading it all the same. “About the other night …” Brian pushed himself off the wall where he’d been leaning to stand square on to Justin; the younger man’s pale face illuminated by the light over the back door. “That should never have happened … I shouldn’t have let it …” “But it did … and we can’t ignore it,” insisted Justin. “Or at least … I can’t,” and Brian sighed and lent back against the wall. “Are you telling me you didn’t feel anything?” asked Justin. “’Cos it didn’t seem like that to me …” “Justin … it was a kiss … it meant shit …” “I don’t believe that,” said Justin and he stood in front of Brian. “Look at me and tell me it meant nothing,” he demanded and looking Brian straight in the eye. Brian held his breath before closing his eyes and turning his head away. “Like I thought … you know it meant something … we both do”. “Have you forgotten Mark already?” asked Brian harshly and looking back at him; the cigarette now foul-tasting in his mouth and he dropped it and ground it out with his heel. “Of course I haven’t forgotten Mark”, replied Justin, feeling as if Brian’s question had hit him in the stomach and he tried to stop himself from shaking; whether from anger or the coldness of the night, he couldn’t tell. “But I also remember how he was happy to fool around with both of us” he continued. “And I know how that makes me feel … and I bet you feel the same way too …” “And how’s that … come on … you seem to have all the answers,” demanded Brian and he dug his hands into his jeans pockets against the cold. “Cheated … deceived … lied to …” replied Justin, lowering his voice in the realisation that not too far away was a group of people who were now probably wondering where they’d both disappeared to and Brian once again closed his eyes; trying to block out Justin’s words and the look of anger and misery on his face. The words were the very same as those he’d been saying to himself all along and the look on Justin’s face was the same look he’d seen coming back at him from the shaving mirror; it seemed they had so much in common. Brian couldn’t speak, let alone move or even think straight as Justin searched his face for any trace of reaction to the blond’s own feelings in this situation and, when he found none, Justin caught a sob in his throat and he turned away; taking Brian’s silence as a sign of his uncaring or antipathy of Justin’s own suffering in this sorry little scenario. Suddenly and automatically, Brian reached out for him but Justin pulled away from his grasp. But, as he glanced back at him, in the flicker of an eyelid and even in the low light, Justin saw the pain in the older man’s eyes and realised just how much his words had brought home to him their situation; their shared grief at the loss of someone they’d dared to love and their joint disappointment at Mark’s behaviour; shattering their illusions of his feelings towards them and of their futures. Slowly, needing to tell him just how much he understood and wanting to take away his pain, Justin reached up and cupped Brian’s face with his hand and the man closed his eyes. Somehow, Brian knew for sure that here was someone who comprehended exactly how he was feeling; something no one had ever been able to do before; not Mark and not even Michael. Even though they’d shared virtually everything since teenagers, there were still some things that Michael would never understand, but looking into Justin’s eyes, Brian could see someone who was able to accept as well as give of himself; something Brian had tried desperately to do and slowly, he removed Justin’s hand from his face and held it; feeling Justin tremble and wanting to tell the young man that it was okay. This time, there was no hesitation as Justin moved forward and their mouths came together. With his arms around Brian’s neck and Brian holding the younger man as close as was physically possible, they were now no longer conscious of the coldness of the night air. The two men felt their connection deeply: a kiss they both acknowledged and accepted and were hungry for. There was no walking away this time. To be continued.