Please accept my apologies for the long delay in posting, owing to a family bereavement. When I did get a chance to write, it was very therapeutic, but I just kept going … and going! Eventually, I got to the part where I wanted to stop, but the piece had grown a bit too long. Therefore, I’ve divided it into two chapters and the next one will follow immediately. Hopefully, this will help make up for the long wait and thank you to everyone who has enquired about the fic and for sticking with me. Apologies also as I’m way behind with responding to reviews, but I will try and catch up. Hope you enjoy it – feedback welcome. Julia ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Testimony to Love - Chapter 10: Justin thought he was going to throw up. The blood was pounding in his ears and his mouth so dry he could hardly speak. So, Brogan Kennedy was Brian Kinney after all and his suspicions and doubts had been justified. The unthinkable was true. Brian was alive. Alive, and though a sense of relief was starting to wash over him that it was now out in the open, Brian’s anxiety to drop this charade was making him impatient. “Justin … I said …“ “I heard you,“ Justin interrupted him and cutting him off, with neither of them needing to state the blindingly obvious. Brian blinked and glanced down in dismay as he caught a look in Justin’s eyes he’d never seen before, at least, not directed at him. Looking back at him, Brian’s heart continued to sink as he saw Justin’s eyes shine with moisture. Those beautiful blue eyes had such a look of betrayal in them that it broke Brian’s heart with the knowledge of what he’d done. He’d wanted so much to protect and save him, but the look in those eyes now made him question the wisdom of his actions. Justin didn’t know what to think. Brian was alive and deep down, he knew he should be so grateful for that. But for the moment, all he was aware of was a sensation of numbness that was creeping over him. With the silence heavy between them, Brian slowly got up from the edge of his desk and made to approach him. With all the strength he could muster, Justin pushed himself up and out of his chair. Holding out his hand defensively in front of him, his palm towards Brian, he took a step backwards, knocking over his chair. “No … don’t come near me … don’t come anywhere near me,” he told him and Brian could hear the pain in the younger man’s voice. Brian halted half-way across the room and swallowed. The anguish in Justin’s face and the way he held himself, as if beaten and with none of the fight left that Brian knew he was so capable of, cut through Brian like a knife, seeing Justin actually backing away from him. “Let me explain,” pleaded Brian, but Justin shook his head and then he turned abruptly towards the door. Anxious to stop him, Brian called after him. “Justin … give me five minutes …” Justin stopped abruptly and with the anger now blazing in his eyes, he spun around to face him. “Five minutes?” he spat at him. “You’ve had five fucking years to explain what the hell is going on,” came the retort, stated coldly and almost shouted at Brian, and for a few moments, they stared into each other’s eyes. Looking into Brian’s eyes, Justin could see a pain there that matched his own. A twinge of regret for his reproach of the man flashed momentarily through this mind and then quickly disappeared. At least for now, he didn’t really care what Brian felt. Brian had hurt him in a way he wouldn’t have thought possible. He was struggling to absorb the fact that, after all this time, the man hadn’t died after all. But right now, Justin didn’t care for explanations. Having to accept that Brian was still alive was almost too much to take in as it was. “Let me explain,” repeated Brian, but Justin shook his head. “Whatever you have to say … I don’t wanna hear it.” “I can’t … at least not yet,” the younger man informed him and once again, Justin turned towards the door. Brian stood motionless, not knowing what to do next, but desperately holding on to a glimmer of hope from Justin’s words. But reaching the door, Justin knew he couldn’t just leave without at least one of his thousand questions answered and coming to a halt, he hesitated for just a moment and then turned around to face Brian once more. “Just tell me one thing.” “Anything,” answered Brian, hoping now to have the chance to explain his actions. “Was the idea of marrying me after all so … so abhorrent … that you had to fake your own death just to get away from me?” asked Justin, struggling to keep himself in check and desperate not to break down in front of Brian. Brian’s stomach churned and he could hardly speak, wrestling with his own feelings. “No … of course not,” came the reply, Brian’s voice hushed with the emotions he too was trying to keep under control, and horrified to think that Justin would believe this was the reason. “I loved you … I still love you … you had nothing to do with why I left,” but then Brian shook his head. “Actually … that’s not true … you had everything to do with why I had to leave,” and he saw Justin’s look of dejection at hearing his words and the younger man turned to open the door. Brian stepped forward, eager to stop him from leaving just yet. “But not in the way you think …” “Don’t tell me what I’m thinking, Brian,” Justin told him in no uncertain terms as he interrupted him, but how strange it was to use the man’s name again and talk to him, instead of about him. “And don’t try and come after me,” instructed the younger man and for all his refusal to give way to his emotions and for one moment let Brian think he still cared about him, he couldn’t stop himself from shaking as he pulled open the door and moved out into the corridor, pulling the door closed behind him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin returned to his own classroom long enough to just pick up his jacket and bag; he had to get out of there and away from Brian as soon as possible. Undoubtedly, Justin would have to listen to what Brian had to say at some point, but not now and not here. He couldn’t face the man yet, though there were so many questions going around in his head. And one that kept coming back to him was how could Brian have treated him like this? With the initial numbness wearing off slightly, the depth of the deception shocked Justin. So much so that he hadn’t begun to think why Brian would behave like he did. Right now, all he wanted to do was get away and be allowed to take in slowly the fact that the man he‘d loved and thought was dead was, in actual fact, very much alive. Not wanting to waste time in calling for a cab, Justin set off for home at a brisk pace, looking back occasionally to make sure Brian wasn’t following him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian sighed with despair and returning to the desk that Justin had been sitting at, he picked up the chair, sat down and closed his eyes. What the hell was he going to do now? How was he going to get through to him? Brian could see that Justin was obviously shocked and deeply hurt that he was still alive and that was totally understandable. Believing the man he’d loved was dead, only to discover five years later that he’d been lied to would be hard to take in, let alone forgive. So how was he going to make Justin understand why he did what he did? Opening his eyes, Brian picked up the pad Justin had been drawing in and marveled once more at the younger man’s gift. The likeness was incredible, there was no doubt it was him, or rather, who he should look like and once again, Brian wondered what the reason could be why Justin no longer pursued his art, he certainly still had the talent. Brian tried to work out what his next move could be. He knew he couldn’t push things, Justin might just pick up stakes and move back to PA. With that thought, Brian closed his eyes again and groaned as the panic started to set in. Dropping the pad back down on the desk as he jumped up from the seat, Brian grabbed his own jacket and briefcase and rushed out the door. He headed for Justin’s classroom, but the younger man wasn’t there. At this time, there was no reason for him to stay on the premises, so Brian guessed that Justin must be heading for home, and quickly he ran down the stairs, passing through the odd group of lingering students and totally ignoring all the rules and regulations about not running in the corridors, as he ran out of the building. Putting on his jacket, Brian quickly scanned the car park and pathways, but there was no sign of Justin. Fuck. And with his fears beginning to escalate still further, Brian headed back into the building and made for the main office and Michelle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “You know I’m not supposed to give out personal information like that, Brogan,” Michelle told him. With his desperation to get hold of Justin ever increasing, he’d sought Michelle’s help. “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t urgent,” the man assured her and Michelle looked at him. That would certainly be true. If there was one thing she‘d learned about Brogan, he wasn’t given to making insignificant requests and she could see the urgency in the man’s face. “Please, Michelle,” he implored her, following her across the office to the filing cabinet, where she put away some folders, tidying up at the end of the working day. “Am I to know why?” Michelle asked him as she returned to her desk and turning around, she saw the man’s hesitation. “It … it’s personal.” “Hmm,” came Michelle’s answer and she saw Brogan shake his head. “It’s nothing like that,” he sought to reassure her. “But I do need to see him urgently … you know I wouldn’t ask unless …” “Unless it’s urgent … yes, you said … and I believe you … though I probably shouldn’t,” she chuckled at him and sitting back down at her desk, Michelle brought up the relevant file on the computer. Confirming the address of the temporary apartment the school was picking up the tab for, she wrote it down on a post-it note and handed it to him. “Michelle … you’re a life saver … literally,” Brogan informed her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek as he took the note from her. “Just don’t tell anyone,” she instructed him and the man nodded before running full tilt out to his car and starting the engine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin ended up running the last half-mile. He was sure Brian wouldn’t be satisfied with leaving things as they had, but he wasn’t ready to hear anything more yet and didn‘t want the man following him back to his apartment before he had a chance to think. Finally getting home, Justin closed the door behind him and leaned against it, letting his bag drop to the floor. That’s when he could no longer hold things in and the dam broke and the shock, disappointment and ultimate betrayal he felt literally poured out of him. All the pain he’d experienced when he’d thought Brian had died came flooding back. Justin’s head began to swim and he thought he was going to pass out. Unsteadily, he headed for the worn, but still comfortable sofa which he practically collapsed onto, grabbing one of the cushions and holding it into his stomach with the physical pain searing through him. After having lost Brian, eventually, Justin had thought the nightmare had ended and he was ready to move on and, in time, love again. But now, knowing Brian was alive and had deliberately allowed him to believe he was dead, the hurt Justin felt took him back across those intervening five years and he realized the nightmare wasn’t over after all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking again at the post-it note, Brian watched for the signs and finding the one he was watching out for, he turned into Justin’s street. Slowing down as he tried to make out the numbers, he finally located the building and came to a halt. Quickly parking the car and heading inside the building, Brian took the stairs two at a time. Such was his rush to reach Justin, he didn’t even think about the best way to approach him. Right now, he just had to get to him and make him listen. Finding the younger man’s apartment, Brian didn’t hesitate before knocking, but there was no answer. Justin didn’t hear him, he was in the bathroom where he was splashing cold water on his face. He’d sought desperately to get a grip, almost resenting how Brian could still do this to him. But what did he really feel, now that Brian was alive? Deep down, Justin knew there had to be a sense of relief and maybe even joy, in the knowledge that Brian was alive after all, though right now, he deliberately chose to ignore it. But why wouldn‘t there be those feelings? Brian was the love of his life and he‘d once thought they‘d grow old together. But sadly, the way he’d been lied to and deceived would currently override any feelings of joy to learn that Brian’s demise was a falsehood after all. Coming out of the bathroom, still drying his face on the hand towel, Justin stopped as he heard the banging on the door. Seeing that practically no-one knew where he lived, it didn’t take a genius to work out who it probably was. He wouldn’t put it past Brian to find out his address, but maybe, if he kept quiet, he would go away. But as Justin stood there, the banging continued and didn’t sound as if it was stopping any time soon and then he heard the man’s voice. “Justin … I know you’re there … I need to speak to you … it’s urgent!” To be truthful, Brian didn’t know for sure whether Justin was inside or not. He realized he didn’t even know whether the younger man had a car, so couldn’t identify anything parked outside and the evenings weren’t yet dark enough to warrant any lighting on in the apartment at this time. But where else would he go? He had to be here. God, please let him be here. Suddenly, Justin was gripped by anger and tossed the towel back into the bathroom. Who the hell did Brian think he was, after everything he’d done, thinking he could just turn up here like this and demand to talk to him? “Go away,” called Justin through the door, but Brian wasn’t letting up. “Justin … please …” The anguish in Brian’s voice was unmistakable and, despite everything, it clutched at Justin’s heart. Walking to the door, clinging to the handle and leaning his head against the painted surface, Justin closed his eyes. How many times had he yearned to hear Brian’s voice or to see his face again so much it hurt? He used to pray that it had all been a terrible nightmare from which he’d wake up. And now, when it seemed it had been nothing but a fabrication after all, he knew he should be glad, but Brian’s duplicity outweighed anything else Justin was feeling about the man right now. “Justin,” Brian’s voice was softer, gentle even, and hearing him say his name that way, sent a shiver down Justin’s spine, reminding him just how gentle Brian could be. The older man’s face was close to the door, in fact the thickness of the wood was practically all there was between them, and Brian wished he could just get through to him. Justin sighed, frustrated at his own feelings. But this was Brian. The man he’d loved and even after everything, he knew he couldn’t just send him away. And as well as anything else, Justin’s curiosity was beginning to get the better of him. Slowly, Justin turned the latch and opened the door. Brian smiled faintly at him, but said nothing; he just waited. “You’ve got a nerve,“ Justin told him coldly, determined that Brian wouldn’t have any idea how confused he was. Or, seeing him standing there and knowing now for definite who he was, that there might be even the faintest trace of feeling left for him. Justin sighed and then stepping back, opened the door wider and allowed Brian to enter. “Okay … what’s so urgent now that you’ve waited five years to tell me?” Justin asked him, pointedly, as he closed the door behind him. Stepping further into the room, Brian sighed as he turned around to face him. “I know how difficult it’s been for you,” stated Brian, who couldn’t fail to notice the red, puffiness of Justin’s eyes, which prompted a pang of guilt shooting through him, knowing he had to be the cause. “No you don’t,” Justin told him, somewhat forcefully. “You have absolutely no fucking idea how difficult the last five years have been for me … so don’t tell me you do.” Brian nodded and rolled his lips into his mouth. He’d had more than his own fair share of pain, but Justin wasn’t ready to hear that, and he certainly wouldn’t be receptive to small talk, so he might as well just get to the point of his immediate concern. “Have you told anyone about me?” Brian asked him and Justin closed his eyes, shook his head and then turned away. “You are unfucking believable,” he told him. “Is that all you’re concerned about?” he asked him in disbelief and turning back to face him. “That everyone will find out about your lies … your deceit?” “Justin, I need to know if you’ve told anyone that I’m still alive,” Brian told him, unable to stop himself from raising his voice in his frustration. Justin just didn’t know what the consequences might be if he had, and if he had, Brian would have to make a phone call and quickly. They’d need protection. “No … I haven’t,” Justin informed him and then Brian saw his hesitation. “Who? Who have you told?” demanded the older man. “I … I just told Daphne …” Brian groaned; he should have known. But then Justin continued. “I only said there was a guy … a teacher … who was your double,” and he saw Brian shake his head, exasperated. “What the hell was I supposed to do?” asked Justin. “Totally ignore the fact that the more I thought about it … the more Brogan Kennedy was the image of Brian Kinney?” “How he had the same mannerisms … and looked just like you … even with that ridiculous beard,“ stated Justin, who didn’t actually find it at all ridiculous, but wanted to put as much contempt for the man in his voice as he could, but was actually struggling to hate him. How he wanted to hate him right now. “Like I wouldn’t do that?” asked Justin and Brian nodded as he conceded the point. That was logical. If the situation were reversed and he’d turned up somewhere to find Justin’s double, he was sure he’d mention it to somebody. “You said you only thought someone looked like me?” repeated Brian, trying to ignore the tone of Justin’s voice and Justin nodded. “Good … then you can call her and tell her you made a mistake …” “You want me to lie to Daphne?” asked Justin, turning and crossing the room away from him. “More lies?” he demanded. “Is that all there now is, Brian?” and he turned back to face him. “Or is that all there ever was?” “Was all we ever had based on lies and deceit?” “No … of course it wasn’t,” answered Brian and he took a couple of steps forward, Justin’s doubts about them tearing him up. “We … we had something wonderful … something I never thought possible.” “But something you were able to toss aside without a second thought,” stated Justin, gesturing as he did so. Brian shook his head. “There’s so much you don’t know, Justin,” Brian told him and he blinked as he caught Justin‘s expression. “Okay … then tell me,” demanded the younger man, standing there defiantly, with his hands now on his hips, having decided that maybe they had to get everything out into the open here and now and deal with it. And Brian couldn’t miss the younger man’s posture or the tone that dared him to tell Justin something that would make all his pain worthwhile. And Brian hoped to god he could. Though before he could begin: “But before you do … I get to go first … that’s only fair, don’t you think?” requested Justin. Brian raised an eyebrow and then nodded; he could hardly begrudge the younger man the opportunity to state his case. “You better sit down,” Justin told him and slowly, Brian took his seat on the sofa. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what he was about to hear and he certainly wasn’t ready for what was coming. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Trying to decide how to start, Justin looked like a caged animal, the way he paced up and down the room and the longer he took made Brian even more nervous and the older man shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Justin desperately wanted to know why the man had done what he had and Brian clearly wanted to explain and justify his actions. But before he allowed that to happen, and god forbid that Justin would actually understand and accept Brian’s explanations: But in the event that Brian did have a plausible reason to do what he did, Justin wasn‘t going to be denied the opportunity of first making Brian aware of just exactly how much he‘d hurt him. “Have you any idea how I felt … or what you put me through … believing you were dead?” was Justin’s first question. “And what I had to deal with?” he continued. He had so many questions and no idea what order to ask them in. But in fact these weren’t questions, more statements and Brian felt the pain in the pit of his stomach, but said nothing. Something told him Justin didn’t want to hear his reply at this point and obviously the younger man had to get off his chest everything that had built up over the last five years. “From the police treating the loft as a crime scene … to having to put up with your mother refusing to let me go to your funeral …” “I couldn’t even say goodbye to you properly,” stated Justin forcefully and Brian could hear the younger man’s voice quiver. Brian looked away. Good old mom. He’d always known that with the shame of having him as a son, that he could rely on her not to allow any of his friends and real family to attend the funeral and he’d had it confirmed that she’d insisted on a closed coffin. But in the event that she’d surprised them all, something would have been arranged in order to ensure it necessary. “So we gave you a memorial at Babylon … and then I had the pleasure of sitting in on your will reading … hearing everything you’d worked for being divided up and given out … everything given away … to people who often treated you like shit,” stated Justin, harshly. “And do you have any idea how it felt … to have the man you’ve loved for so long … but who could never actually come out and tell you how he felt …” “And then when he finally accepted what everyone else had known all that time … and could actually say those words that meant so much …” “When he could finally tell me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me … enough to ask me to marry him … only to have that man fake his own death on the very day we were due to get married?” “And in such a way that would ensure I would find him … and had to watch while the paramedics tried to save him … while I was powerless to do anything … not even being allowed to touch him?” “Then at the hospital … those fucking homophobes wouldn’t even let me near you.” Justin was in full flight and continued to pace the floor and Brian could hear the pain and anger the younger man had been feeling all those years ago and, apparently still felt. “Of course now I know why … but do you have any idea how it felt to be excluded like that … so that I couldn’t be a part of something so important … like deciding treatment … or even just be allowed in to see you?” “I didn’t know whether you were going to live or die and I couldn’t even get to see you,” Justin spat at him and leaving Brian, for one of the few times in his life, totally speechless. “And then afterwards … when it was over … I couldn’t eat … I couldn’t sleep … “ “Sometimes I even thought I could hear you … that you were there … in the loft with me …“ “Or something would happen and I’d think to myself - I must tell Brian …“ “And then I‘d remember … you weren‘t coming home!” Justin’s voice had risen in volume and pitch and Brian felt his gut tighten as if someone had a hold and was twisting it. If Justin’s aim was to hurt him, then he was doing a pretty good job. But who’s to say he didn’t deserve it. “I longed to be able to touch you so much and feel your body next to mine … inside me,” the younger man continued. “I had to deal with stuff I thought I wouldn’t need to worry about for forty years.” “And at times I even wanted to die myself,“ sobbed Justin and the despair in his voice and the hurt in his face certainly told Brian exactly how he’d felt. Brian closed his eyes, as he listened to the younger man’s pain continue. “It took me years to accept I’d never have you again … and then move on.” “And then … when I finally think the nightmare is over … just when I’m trying to put the pieces back together again and build something … I find out it was all lies …“ “The last five years … all lies and deceit!” Justin threw at him and Brian heard the gasp as the younger man turned away from him. He’d never intended to hurt Justin so much, though he must have known a certain amount of pain was inevitable. But a hurt Justin was infinitely better than a dead Justin and surely that’s what he would have risked had he stayed. He just had to make Justin understand. Brian saw Justin’s shoulders shake with emotion and could no longer sit there in silence and do nothing. Getting up from the sofa, he crossed the space between them in a few strides, putting his hand on the younger man’s shoulder, longing to comfort him. Swiftly, Justin turned around, knocking Brian’s arm away as he did so. “Don’t touch me!” cried Justin, the tears now spilling out. Brian couldn’t stand for Justin to pull away from him, but then the younger man rounded on him without warning. “Do you have any idea how much I hated you for putting me through all that?” “For doing something so selfish … so stupid … apparently without giving me a second thought?” he asked him, reaching up on tiptoes, his face just inches away from Brian’s and the older man could see that hatred in those beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that had told him in the past just how much he loved him, but now only held him in contempt. “I hated you more than I would ever thought I was capable of … and hated myself in the process,” he continued. “How dare you!” with his eyes now blazing, Justin placed the flat of his hand on Brian’s chest and pushed him away. Taking a step backwards, and shocked by Justin’s actions, Brian managed to maintain his balance as Justin advanced on him. “How dare you do that to me!“ and the first blow with the base of his closed fist hit Brian squarely in the chest. “I thought you loved me!” Not entirely aware of what he was doing, his emotions totally engulfing and taking him over, Justin again raised his arm, intending on landing a second blow, but with no real power in the strike and this time Brian easily caught his wrist. Unable to pull away, Justin was forced to use all his remaining strength as he raised his other arm, only for that to be captured too. Justin was emotionally drained and too weak for his blows to pose any real threat, but Brian was afraid that the younger man’s distress would soon become hysteria; it was probably borderline as it was. Not that he could blame him for lashing out, but he was terrified Justin would injure himself in the process. Brian didn’t care that the blow to his chest had hurt him; something else he probably deserved. Brian said nothing as Justin’s fury turned to sobs, knowing Justin needed to let it go. He longed to put his arms around him and hold him tightly, but the tenseness in Justin’s body told him it wouldn’t be welcomed. Brian continued to hold Justin’s wrists firmly, but gently and with the younger man’s balled up fists against his chest. Justin’s head was bowed and Brian could see and feel how much the younger man was shaking and his shoulders heaved with the emotion flooding through him. Justin had tried to hold on but failed. He hated that he could break down like this, but he’d endured five years of believing Brian was dead and the strength he’d then found to come to terms with it had been torn to shreds; strength that he now felt sapping away from him even more. Brian had hurt him beyond belief, but in all of this, Justin tried not to acknowledge it, but in the end couldn’t deny the tiny spark of relief he surely felt, knowing now for sure that Brian was alive. After all Brian had said and done, he could never envisage a time when he wished for Brian to actually be dead. And, for the moment at least, he seemed unwilling to pull away from him and indeed, he leaned against him as he fought to steady his breathing. But he still needed to understand him. “Why?” Justin finally asked him quietly, his voice muffled and he steeled himself, determinedly regaining control once more and then he looked up into Brian’s face as he searched the man’s eyes for the truth. Brian felt his heart break as he saw just how much pain and despair Justin had endured mirrored so clearly in his eyes. “It wasn’t enough that you had to ‘die’, but you had to do it on our wedding day?” “And an overdose?” “For Chrissakes Brian … why then and why drugs … when you knew it would be me who would find you?” “How could you do that to me?” he pleaded. Brian momentarily closed his eyes and then slowly released Justin’s wrists, the younger man seemingly calmer now and Justin took in several deep breaths as he waited, but he hadn’t quite finished trembling. Taking a few steps away from him, Brian rolled his lips into his mouth as he considered his reply, trying to find the words that would hurt Justin the least, but knowing that probably wasn‘t possible. “It had to be then because we’d run out of time,” came the answer and Justin wiped his eyes with the back of his still shaking hand and then frowned as he tried to absorb that statement. What the hell did that mean and he planned to get an answer to that too, eventually. “But why a drugs overdose?” asked Justin, desperate to make sense of it all. “Let’s face it,” answered Brian, looking at him and smiling wryly. “We all knew my history … it had to be something people could believe.” “But how? How did you do it?” “You were so out of it when I found you … how could that happen?” Justin asked him. “Phenobarbital … I was given just enough,” came the answer. “But wasn’t that dangerous … you could have died for real,” stated Justin, but Brian shook his head. “I was well monitored and looked after … though I don’t remember much about it now.” “Then the paramedics?” asked Justin and Brian nodded. “Were in on it … it was arranged they’d be just around the corner … just out of sight … waiting for a call.” It had actually been Brian’s suggestion that his ‘death’ should be by O.D., but nevertheless, he’d been pretty terrified about being given such a powerful drug, even though he’d been assured that both paramedics would be qualified doctors, who would administer the dose and then check on him and stay with him every step of the way. It had, in fact, been a long time since Brian had taken anything more powerful than the odd joint and had tried to make a joke about Uncle Sam paying for his drug habit in an attempt at humor to mask his fears. However, it fell on the deaf ears of people far too professional to find it remotely amusing. “But … but how did you know when I’d get there?” asked Justin, having recovered enough to now be determined to work out the logistics to all of this in order to understand as much as he could. Brian took a deep breath. “We knew that when I didn’t show up for … for our wedding … that someone would come looking for me … and it was bound to be either you or Michael.” “In some ways … I’d hoped it would be Mikey,” stated Brian, remembering how he’d felt when they’d begun to make arrangements for his ‘death’ and who would probably find him. Brian knew how much it would hurt Justin if it were him, and would loved to have spared him if he could, but they’d decided after all, that was the best way. As Brian said, it had to be believable. But Justin still wasn’t satisfied. “That still doesn’t explain it … you weren’t to know how long we’d wait before we came looking,” stated Justin and Brian nodded in agreement. “It was arranged that when whoever it was left The Chimneys … that we’d get a phonecall at the loft.” “I was followed?” asked Justin in disbelief and Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Not followed exactly,” he told him and Justin frowned. “Someone told you I‘d left? One of our guests?” asked Justin in surprise and wondering who the culprit could be. Looking away, Brian confirmed his suspicions. “Who?” demanded Justin and Brian smiled faintly back at him. “Whodya think … our resident cop … Debbie’s private dick.” “Carl?” asked Justin incredulously, and Brian nodded. That did kind of make sense, but this was getting all too much to take in, and there were still so many questions to be answered and Justin had reached the point where he didn‘t now want to stop. “And the hospital … were they in on it too?” he asked him and Brian sighed and nodded. “Some of them.” “But your mom even turned up with her priest …” “Not her usual priest … he‘d been called away, ’unexpectedly‘,” stated Brian and Justin scowled at him, getting his meaning. “The list of people who knew all about this is growing by the minute … who the hell wasn’t in on it … apart from me? Did Michael know?” asked Justin, accusingly. “No … he didn’t,“ Brian assured him. “So who arranged everything … and who is this ‘we’ you keep mentioning?” “The Marshals Service took care of everything,” stated Brian. Justin sighed audibly in astonishment and he ran his hand through his hair. Jesus Christ. This was getting more confusing and he sat down on the sofa, his legs suddenly giving way beneath him. “What the hell is this all about?” Justin asked him finally and Brian felt a sigh of relief flood through his entire being as he sank down in the armchair opposite him. Now it appeared that Justin would be receptive to his reasons and wanted to know why he’d done what he had. But was it fair to continue with his explanation and maybe involve Justin further in something that could still prove to be dangerous? But he now knew he was alive, so he surely owed him the truth, if only he could make Justin understand his fears. “Firstly, I need to know whether you plan on telling anyone I’m still alive?” asked Brian seriously, and he saw Justin frown. “Justin … if I tell you the truth … it could literally mean life and death.” “That’s very melodramatic,” snorted Justin. “But then again this whole thing is,” and he shook his head. “You never could do anything by half measures,” stated Justin and Brian shrugged and then nodded. “You know me too well … but you’re right … and maybe it did sound that way … but it’s also the truth … and I need you to tell me that you believe me when I say that if it gets out that I‘m still alive … people could be hurt … killed even.” “Like who?” asked Justin, anxious to know and Brian hesitated before he answered. “Like you … me … even Gus is at risk.” “Even my telling you now could be dangerous … do you still want to know?” Brian saw Justin frown as he sought to take in the severity of the man’s statement, consider his question and his own answer. And looking at him, Justin could see how deadly serious Brian was. “Go on,” Justin invited him quietly and after much consideration. Brian took a deep breath and sat forward on the chair, taking this as the younger man’s agreement to go along with him in this. “Stockwell,” came the one word explanation that Justin wasn’t expecting, but then he remembered his encounter with the FBI regarding the man. “The FBI asked me what I knew about Stockwell … but I never thought he had anything to do with … with all of this.” “I mean I know they were trying to make a case against him and his suspected links with organized crime … but where does he fit in?” “When I was handling his mayoral publicity campaign … I went to his house a coupla times,” stated Brian. “And once when I was there … I saw and heard something I shouldn’t have.” “Like what?” came the question and Brian cast his mind back all that time. “I caught part of a conversation he had with someone who turned out to be … what I believe they call a ’lieutenant’.” “The Mafia?” asked Justin in surprise and Brian shrugged. “Maybe not exactly … but certainly for an organized crime boss anyway.“ “Stockwell and I were in the kitchen,” continued Brian. “We’d finished the shoot we’d been working on and the camera man had left while Jim and I decided on a schedule for the rest of the campaign.” “And then Jim’s wife came through to tell him he had a visitor … he left and I finished packing up.” “Mrs. Stockwell then buttonholed me about the campaign … how I was to make sure Jim came across as the decent, pillar of the community, father-figure that he was,” snorted Brian as he remembered how the woman just wouldn’t stop talking and just how hypocritical that would turn out to be. “I was desperate to get away … but I was also desperate to pee by this time … I knew I’d never make it back to the office … so I asked to use the bathroom.” “She showed me to the downstairs cloakroom and then went back to the kitchen … I had my laptop with me, so when I came out … instead of going back out through the kitchen … where I knew there was a good chance I’d run back into her … I decided to let myself out the front way.” “I turned into the hallway and Stockwell was standing at the front door with this guy … and not the sort you’d wanna take home to mother neither.“ “I heard Stockwell tell him that he shouldn’t come there again … that he should know better.” “The guy answered that Stockwell wasn’t the one calling the shots and then stopped speaking. “That‘s when Jim realized the guy was looking over his shoulder at something and Jim turned around as I walked up behind him.“ “I could tell by his expression he’d either forgotten I was still in the house or thought I’d left already.“ “I said goodbye … that I’d catch up with him soon and left … I knew they were watching me go to my car … it felt weird, but I didn’t really think anything of it until much later.” “Why … what happened?” Justin saw Brian swallow and the older man got up out of the chair. He didn’t like to dwell on what had happened and in fact, it still shook him to the core to think of what might have been. “It was well after Stockwell had been indicted.“ “You remember the accident?” asked Brian and Justin frowned, but then he did remember. “With the ‘vette?” he asked him and Brian nodded. “Yeah … well … it wasn’t an accident,” stated Brian quietly and Justin heard the exhaled breath. Frowning, he got up and walked over to him. “What do you mean … it wasn’t an accident?” “The repair shop called me … said I ought to go down and see what they found,” answered Brian. “The brakes had been tampered with … but it was botched … I was lucky the accident didn’t turn out more serious than it was.” “What did you do?” asked Justin, now clearly recalling how shaken Brian had been at the time of the accident itself and how preoccupied he’d seemed for several weeks following and then he saw the man swallow. “I called Carl … to see what he thought about it.” “But then I didn’t hear anything for ages … and then suddenly … I had the Feds swarming all over me.” “They’d started to look into Stockwell’s connections and they wanted to talk to anyone who ever had any dealings with him.“ “They wanted to know practically every conversation I’d had with him … so when I told them about the guy I’d seen Stockwell talking to … they had me go through some mug shots.” “I picked the guy out and the Feds took my accident a lot more seriously … that’s when we all realized the importance of what I‘d seen … and why someone had apparently tried to kill me.“ “You didn’t tell me any of this,” stated Justin, unable to stop himself from feeling even more hurt and disappointed that Brian hadn’t trusted him with something so serious. “I know … but as it turned out … I was glad I hadn’t … it meant you weren’t involved.” Justin smiled faintly and instinctively, reached out to rub Brian’s upper arm. Despite everything, he couldn’t help now but feel incredibly relieved that whoever had sabotaged the car had failed in their attempt on Brian’s life. But then, by his increasingly horrified expression, Brian saw that the younger man had realized something else about the accident. “Gus and me were supposed to be with you that day,” stated Justin, quietly and looking up at the man, he saw Brian’s eyes shine with moisture. “I know,” came the hoarse reply and for the first time, the seriousness of the situation slowly unfolding in front of him, began to dawn on Justin. And then he frowned again. “What about Babylon … the bombing? Was that them too?” Justin asked him and Brian shrugged. “Who knows … I wasn’t there … but some the people closest to me were … so it could have been meant as a warning.” “As far as I know … the Police have never been able to identify the bombers?” wondered Brian out loud and Justin shook his head. Justin scratched behind his ear as he took a few steps away from Brian as he tried to process these revelations. Both Brian and the authorities had obviously been concerned about the threat posed to Brian and, presumably, by default, to those closest to him. But did it really warrant the man disappearing like he had? “I still don’t understand why you thought you had to lie to me.” “Didn’t it occur to you that you might actually be able to trust me?” “Or did you think I was still too much of a kid … that I couldn’t handle it?” asked Justin, still unable to disguise the hurt he felt. “No, of course not.” “But they’d reached a crucial part in their case … my evidence was vital in linking Stockwell with this … this Mr. Big … and at that point they didn’t have any other evidence they could use.“ “Stockwell … and whoever he was working for … obviously knew and in order to prevent another attempt … I had to be out of the picture.” “We simply ran out of time.” “So … you went into the witness protection program,” stated Justin and Brian nodded. “But then why didn’t you just disappear … why the hell did you have to ‘die’?” asked Justin, still failing to understand why Brian’s disappearance had to be so final. “If I simply disappeared … everyone would still come looking for me,” explained Brian. “You and Mikey wouldn’t have given up … you would have done everything you could to try and find me … and the people who tried to kill me the first time would come looking too.” “Or worse … they could use you … and maybe even Gus … to try and flush me out.” “But if everyone thought I was dead … no one would come looking.” “There’d be no need to try and use you to get to me.” Justin closed his eyes and shook his head as he listened. “Did it never occur to you to take me with you?” he asked, looking back at him. “That was never an option,” stated Brian and he saw Justin’s further shock and disappointment at not only being left behind, but also from being excluded from even talking through and being part of making a decision about something so significant in Brian’s life. Justin had thought that once their commitment had been cemented, to each other, if not yet in front of witnesses, that they’d share everything and certainly something so crucial. “Why the hell not … at least we’d be together.” “I had to think of Gus too,” answered Brian. “But there was no way I could take you with me … ask you to sacrifice everything for me.” Justin shrugged. “Sacrifice what?” “What exactly would I have given up by going with you?” Justin asked him, the younger man’s hands gripping the back of the sofa, leaning on it, as he desperately fought to try and make sense of Brian’s logic. “Justin … apart from taking you away from your family … your friends,“ “You have an amazing talent … you’re going to be an incredibly famous … successful artist …” “There’s no way I could have deny you that … but if I took you with me … that just couldn’t happen.” Brian saw Justin about to start to protest and he put his hand up to stop him. “As soon as you became well known … people would want to know everything about you … you couldn’t change your name … everyone back in the Pitts would recognize you.” “Then it wouldn’t take long for people to figure out you were still with me.” “It would only take one sighting … one photograph in a magazine … or a slip with a name … and the people we were hiding from would know where to look.” “And it wouldn’t take much to find out where we lived.” Justin closed his eyes as he felt the emotion rise again and moving away from the sofa, he crossed the floor towards Brian and stopped, a few feet away from him. “Maybe there was a time when I’d have been this famous artist,” stated Justin, shaking his head and it was Brian who now frowned. “What does that mean?” “Did it ever …” and Justin swallowed hard and momentarily closed his eyes. Opening them again, he saw that it was now Brian who was obviously trying to understand what was going on. “Did it ever occur to you … that without you … that losing you like that … that I could no longer paint?” Justin asked him and he saw Brian look as if he were about to say something and then change his mind. The man closed his eyes and turned away from him. “I practically didn’t touch a paintbrush again,” Justin informed him and Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and then closed his eyes again as he shook his head. “That wasn’t supposed to happen,” he stated quietly, his own grief at the consequences of his actions now threatening to rise up and engulf him too. Struggling to absorb Justin‘s statement, Brian sank down onto the sofa. “You really don’t understand … do you?” asked Justin, moving around in front of him and Brian blinked and looked away; unable to look at him. “You were the one who gave me back everything after the bashing,” the younger man continued. “It was you who found another way for me to be an artist … when I’d given up all hope.” “Maybe I was supposed to be this famous … successful artist you mention one day … but it was you and our relationship that inspired so much of my creativity … maybe even all of it …“ “Whether we were fighting or fucking.” “You were the spark who lit my imagination … who made me think about myself and who I was and how I viewed the world.” “You were the one who gave me back the will I needed to go on.” “That’s what went into my art … that‘s what made my art.” “Even when we’d broken up … I could still pour everything I was feeling into it … but with you ‘dead’ … I no longer had the motivation or the heart for it.” “Why the hell do you think I took a teaching course instead?” Momentarily, Brian closed his eyes; he’d wondered why Justin hadn’t pursued his art and now he knew. He felt devastated by Justin’s disclosures, this wasn’t what he’d expected or intended at all. When circumstances appeared to conspire against him, preventing him from remaining with the man he loved, Brian had drawn some consolation in the fact that by leaving Justin behind, he was keeping him out of danger and at least giving him the opportunity to become who he was destined to be. “I thought … that at least this one time …“ Brian’s voice trailed off and Justin frowned at him. “You thought what?” “That at least this one time what?” he asked him. “I only ever wanted to protect you,” stated Brian quietly and thinking what he wouldn’t give for a stiff drink right now; getting hammered was becoming increasingly more attractive every moment and Justin groaned out loud at the man’s words; understanding their meaning. “Well, let’s face it … I don’t have the best track record,” continued Brian. Justin couldn’t believe his ears, but it didn’t take much to understand what had partly motivated Brian to take the course of action that he had when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds and the younger man shook his head. “Jesus Christ … can’t you ever get over that? I have,” Justin told him, realizing that Brian’s fears for his safety had more than a little to do with how Brian saw his own part in the younger man’s bashing. But it tore at Justin’s heart to think that Brian still felt himself responsible for the event that had changed so much all those years ago. “Well, I’m not sure I ever can,” stated Brian, and he looked up at Justin, who was watching him from a few feet away. “And I can’t believe you have, either,“ Brian told him. And, for a moment, Brian caught Justin’s expression of understanding. There were still times when it all came flooding back, admitted Justin. Though the bashing itself was never anything more than the odd flashback. But the rehabilitation and the struggle he had to regain his art was still a painful memory and he’d known early on how much Brian had blamed himself, even before he found the bloody scarf the older man had been wearing around his neck. That was nearly ten years ago but, apparently, Brian still punished himself for it. “I never blamed you,” Justin assured him, as he sat down in the chair, an unexpected gentleness in his voice. “Is that really the reason why you decided you had to leave … to protect me?” asked Justin and getting to his feet, Brian shrugged, knowing that the bashing was probably always at the back of his mind. “You … and Gus … mean everything to me.” “I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened … to either of you … because of me,” stated Brian and Justin closed his eyes and sighed. As much as he’d wanted not to, Justin was now beginning to understand what had been going through Brian’s mind after discovering the significance of what he’d overhead at Stockwell’s; a threat which had been reinforced by the car accident and maybe even the bombing before that. “I … I guess I can understand that,” conceded Justin and Brian couldn’t help but feel a wave of relief wash over him at Justin’s words, believing that Justin accepted that the reasoning behind his actions was sound. “But that doesn’t mean I agree with what you did,“ Justin told him. “And maybe I was mistaken … but I thought we were a partnership … and you lied to me,” he continued and Brian’s heart sank again. “And you continued to lie to me … probably on several occasions … while all the time we were still making preparations to get married.” “You couldn’t trust me … you excluded me from probably the most serious decisions you ever had to make … from not telling me about the attempt on your life … to deciding to leave without any explanation.” “And I’m not sure I can ever forgive you for that.” Brian felt totally crushed by Justin’s words even though he could understand how hurt the younger man still felt. He’d given up everything to protect him, and Justin had ended up practically hating him for it. “Then where do we go from here?” “What the hell do you want from me, Justin?“ asked Brian, after several interminably long moments of silence and Justin shrugged. “I don’t know,“ answered the younger man. “And you tell me where we go from here … because for the moment … I‘m really not sure.” “Then let’s talk this through some more,” requested Brian, hoping that by going over his reasons and fears again, that the younger man might eventually understand enough to forgive him. But his hopes were dashed when Justin shook his head. “No … I don’t think so.” Justin’s head was spinning, trying to take everything in and he suddenly felt incredibly tired. Looking over at Brian, the man’s distress and disappointment at Justin’s refusal to continue their conversation was obvious and, despite himself, Brian‘s crestfallen demeanor tugged at Justin‘s heartstrings and he looked away. “I only did what I thought was for the best, Justin,” stated Brian, quietly and Justin nodded. Brian obviously believed that, even though he didn’t agree with him and the younger man sighed. “Look … I don’t wanna go through this any more … at least not right now … not tonight.” “All this hasn’t exactly been easy to take in,” stated Justin, and Brian nodded in acknowledgment. “It’s been a long day … and I have a class tomorrow,” the younger man continued and Brian frowned. “You’re going to stay on … at the school, I mean?” he asked him and Justin nodded. “Why shouldn’t I?“ “You once accused me of running away and not standing my ground … well I’m damned sure I’m not going to let you chase me away from here.” “I came out here to start a new life … and that’s exactly what I intend to do.” “Then I’ll resign,” offered Brian, but Justin frowned. “What … and run out on your students?” “Isn’t this becoming something of a habit?” Justin asked him. “I didn’t ‘run out‘ as you put it,” stated Brian. “I wasn’t thinking about me …” “Save it, Brian … I don’t want to hear any more … not tonight.” Justin sounded exhausted and, indeed, he was. There was no way he wanted to continue this conversation, but at least to Brian, it sounded as if there might be room for further discussion later. At least he hoped there would be. It took all the strength Justin could muster to haul himself out of the chair and head for the front door. This was obviously Brian’s cue to leave. Brian swallowed and although he was a little disappointed by Justin’s reaction, he didn’t entirely blame him. Slowly, he got up off the sofa and crossed the floor towards him and Justin opened the door. He hated leaving things like this with so much unresolved between them, and stepping out into the corridor, Brian hesitated and then turned around, raising his hand to prevent Justin from closing the door on him. “Just tell me one thing,” requested Brian, echoing Justin’s earlier words and Justin frowned as he wondered what was coming. “You said there were times you hated me … for what I put you through …” and Brian paused and then looked Justin directly in the eyes. “But does any part of you still love me?” asked Brian, hoping with all his heart to awaken Justin’s feelings for him. He saw Justin blink and then look away, unable to respond. Unable to confirm, but also unable to deny. Justin simply didn’t want to answer or even think about that question right now. “Goodnight, Brian,” was Justin’s only reply and slowly, he closed the door. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How dare Brian ask him that, after what he’d put him through. What the hell was he supposed to say? But, even after everything, did he still love Brian, Justin asked himself after the man in question had left. Too exhausted to even think about eating, the shock of this evening‘s revelations still going around in his head, Justin started to get ready for bed. And, as he did so, he continually churned over Brian’s explanation for his actions and eventually found himself wondering whether, in the same position, would he have done the same? If his partner or son were in danger, from something he‘d witnessed or discovered, wouldn’t he want to protect them too? Would he have horrified them by the knowledge of the threat against all of them or would he have removed himself and thus, removed the threat? If he’d thought his lover had been destined for life in the public eye, whether as an artist, or any sort of performer, say, could he have denied them that opportunity while the threat remained? Justin groaned out loud as he sank down onto the bed. Damn Brian. He hated to admit it, but he was beginning to understand completely why the man thought he had to do what he did. But he still didn’t understand why Brian thought he couldn’t ask him to go with him. Surely it would have been possible, they would have made it work somehow. They could have made a life together. But Brian had obviously not wanted to take responsibility for possibly preventing Justin fulfilling his destiny and, in the same position, Justin rationalized that he probably would have done exactly the same. And if the shoe had been on the other foot, later on, that partner might very well have ended up hating and resenting him from preventing him pursuing something he loved and had a god given talent for. Justin would have hated it, if the result had been that Brian would have felt that way towards him and he knew that Brian certainly couldn’t take the knowledge that Justin might hate him and tonight, that’s probably how the older man had been left feeling. That Justin hated him. But regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation, Brian hadn’t trusted him or shared with him or even given him a choice and right now, that’s what still hurt, despite reasoning that he probably would have done the same. Confused? Of course he was. Justin‘s feelings for Brian were those of total bewilderment right now. But hate? Did he really hate Brian? Had he ever hated Brian? Probably not, not really hate, though he had at the time believed he did. So, considering Brian’s question: Damn. Justin wanted to hate Brian with all his heart, but of course, he still loved him. How the hell could he not, when all Brian was really concerned about was his safety, however misguided his motivation. But could he forgive him the lies, deceit and inability to trust him? That was a completely different story, so what was left for them now? Could they ever get back to where they had been before? Did Justin even want them to? Brian had told him that he still loved him, but was that now enough? After not trusting Justin, could the younger man ever feel that he might have a place in Brian’s life after all? Right now, Justin wasn’t even certain what Brian was going to do next. Would he stay on at the school, or would he disappear again? And by the time he’d eventually settled down to sleep, Justin still wasn’t sure how he felt, one way or the other, about the man staying, despite knowing that he still loved him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Driving home, Brian clung on to the fact that Justin hadn’t been able to deny that he still loved him. There’d also been an unspoken promise of another opportunity to discuss their situation again. Justin had allowed Brian to explain why he’d done what he had, and had made no bones about how he’d felt during the last five years. But Justin hadn’t given Brian a chance to explain how he’d felt and Justin’s innate sense of fairness would surely mean he would want to hear more. So maybe there was still a chance. Justin was right, he shouldn’t and wouldn’t desert his students. Besides, Brian couldn’t make things right with Justin by disappearing again and the younger man now knew the truth and the danger, so there was no point in doing so from that perspective. Only by continuing to be part of Justin’s life; any part at all, would they have a chance to put their relationship back on track and as long as no-one else knew about them, they‘d be relatively safe. But Brian knew he had his work cut out to get back with Justin. Justin felt let down and betrayed, even though it had sounded as if he’d started to understand and accept Brian had done what he had for the best of motives. But Brian wasn’t running away. That was never how he’d viewed his decision to leave the Pitts and it wasn’t what he was going to do now. He was going to stay and fight for Justin’s love. Justin was the love of his life, even though he’d taken practically forever to acknowledge the fact. But he always had been and always would be. To be continued. With very, many thanks especially to Lois, Judy, Pat, Elsa Rose, Richard, Sherrie and Mikey and to everyone else who have sent their good wishes. Thanks for being there for me. Julia