Chapter 4
“Do you believe in premonitions?” asked Justin as he poured Daphne and himself out a glass of wine while his friend dished up their dinner. Understandably, Justin had been noticeably quiet on the ride back from the cemetery and Daphne hadn’t tried to get him into conversation, other than to ask him if he fancied picking up Chinese take-out on the way back to the loft. But she was intrigued by the small packages he’d been holding when she‘d picked him up earlier, which upon returning home, he‘d carefully laid in the desk drawer, together with two envelopes he took from his jacket pocket.
Now in the secure and comfortable surroundings of the loft and with their meals in front of them, Justin seemed a little more willing to talk. Daphne watched as he took down a gulp of wine and she thought over her friend‘s question for a moment and then she shrugged. “Sure … yeah … I think so … why do you ask?” and she picked up her chopsticks.
“Well … just before he died … and I mean that literally … Brian not only made out a new will … but he also made a sizeable contribution to the gay marriage initiative,” stated Justin, and deciding he couldn’t be bothered with chopsticks, he dispensed with them in favor of a fork.
“Brian did what?” asked Daphne, and she frowned in annoyance as she lost her grip on the piece of pork she was attempting to pick up, so surprised was she by Justin’s statement.
“I can understand him wanting to make a new will … what with marrying you and all … but … wow … the gay marriage initiative?”
“That doesn’t really sound like Brian … but then again … I guess getting married didn’t really sound like him either … sorry Justin,” shrugged Daphne, apologetically and this time she was far more successful with capturing her food.
“That’s okay … a few months ago … I would have said the same,” agreed Justin. “But it just seems like he was in a rush to get things sorted out … maybe that’s why he missed making me his next of kin.”
“That still sounds strange … considering everything else … except …” Daphne stopped mid-sentence, not sure if she should continue and she reached for her own glass.
“Except what?” asked Justin and he frowned at his friend, who hesitated and then took a drink before answering him.
“Well … it did save you from having to be the one to decide anything … you know,” observed Daphne, hoping she wouldn’t have to elucidate further, but Justin raised his eyebrows, totally understanding her meaning. “Like … turn off his life support?” he asked her quietly and Daphne shrugged.
“I don’t even know if Brian was on life support,” stated Justin, as he pushed his food around his plate. “Though I guess he must have been,” and he sighed. “But I think I would have liked to have at least been consulted … after all … I was his partner ... we were supposed to be getting married.”
“As it is … his bitch of a mother had the final say in everything,” and Justin angrily stabbed at a piece of meat with his fork, still bitter at being denied the opportunity to attend Brian’s funeral. And then, having taken down his food, he took several, large swallows of his drink, virtually draining his glass. Daphne watched, a little concerned, as Justin reached for a refill. She could see he was still a little upset from visiting the cemetery and a little edgy too, but that was hardly surprising. She wondered what he‘d been doing at the bank, but she wouldn‘t press him, knowing he would open up when he was ready.
“I don’t know … it sounds like Brian more or less had a handle on everything,” replied Daphne and Justin nodded in agreement.
“I know … which makes omitting me as next of kin even more confusing … he wouldn‘t normally forget stuff as important as that,” continued Justin and he shrugged, as he still failed to understand how Brian could make such an omission.
“But the gay marriage thing … that does sound kind of … well … out of character?” his friend continued and Justin nodded and picked up his glass for yet another swallow.
“It was almost …” and he hesitated, wine glass half way to his lips and then frowned. “What?” asked Daphne and Justin shook his head. “No … it’s kinda dumb,” and he took a gulp of wine before replacing his glass on the table and turning his attention back to his meal.
“Say it anyhow,” his friend urged him and Justin swallowed his food and then sighed. “Well … it was almost like he knew something was gonna happen to him.“
“It just feels like he was trying to tell me something … and that maybe he wondered if I still had doubts about his motives … and wanted me to know that he really did want to marry me,” but then Justin grinned, embarrassed at his statement. “I said it sounded dumb.”
“It doesn’t sound dumb to me,” answered Daphne and she smiled back at him. Maybe it did sound a little dumb, but if Justin found any sort of comfort in that notion, then she wasn’t about to contradict him. And in fact, thinking about it more, Daphne realized it might even have some credence to it.
They ate and drank in silence for a few minutes and Daphne could see Justin was thinking about something, he definitely had a faraway look in his eye and then suddenly, he realized he hadn’t exactly been paying attention to his friend.
“I’m sorry … sometimes … I kinda just go off.”
“That’s okay,” smiled Daphne, understanding perfectly and then Justin smiled back and took a deep breath.
“Brian wrote me a letter,” came the quiet, almost wistful statement.
“A letter?”
Justin nodded. “It was in his safety deposit box … there were letters for both me and Gus.”
“That’s wonderful … and kinda sad at the same time,” declared Daphne. “For you and for Gus.“
“Poor Gus … it’s gonna be tough for him not having his dad around … even if he was gonna be miles away up in Toronto,” she continued.
“Toronto isn’t that far away,“ replied Justin.
“Brian asked me to keep an eye on him … and I will … I love him too … but after everything I said to Mel and Lindsay … I’ll be lucky if they let me anywhere near him,” groaned Justin.
“What else did Brian say?” asked Daphne, wondering if she was chancing her luck.
“It’s okay … you don’t have to tell me.”
Justin smiled and felt a warm glow flow through him and not just from the amount of wine he‘d consumed.
“He told me he loved me … and that it was a big mistake that it took him so long to get around to telling me … and that I shouldn’t make the same mistakes he did.”
“And he said for me not to let anything stand in the way of my art,” stated Justin and he frowned. His thoughts hadn’t turned to his art since his last, fruitless visit to the studio and for the first time in as many years as he could remember, picking up a pencil or brush just didn’t seem appealing.
“He obviously loved you very much,” smiled Daphne, cutting through Justin’s thoughts and then she frowned. “I wonder when he wrote the letter?”
Justin shrugged. “I’d been wondering that too … and in fact Carl said Brian made a trip to the bank the day before he died … I just didn’t think about what he’d been doing there … but now I’m pretty sure it was to leave the letters in his safety deposit box.“
“Oh … and he left Gus his shell bracelet … and the photograph that was taken when he was holding him as a baby.“
“They were in the box too … though I could have sworn the photograph was still here,” continued Justin and Daphne realized that’s what Justin had been carrying when she’d collected him from the bank.
“Brian sure looked hot in that picture,” grinned Daphne and Justin couldn’t help agreeing with her.
“But the fact that he wrote the letter and got everything together just before he died … including his will and making that contribution … I’m even more convinced that he was afraid something was gonna happen to him,” and Justin let out a huge sigh.
“But I guess I’ll never know for sure” and suddenly, he could start to feel the bile rise into this throat and his stomach muscles tightened.
“I can‘t eat any more,” stated Justin and he pushed his plate away, though in fact he‘d hardly eaten anything and he picked up his glass and moved away from the table and sank down into the cushions of the sofa.
Suddenly, the day’s events were beginning to catch up with him. If the visit from Ted, going over the businesses and the trip to the bank hadn’t been traumatic enough, trying to take in his new responsibilities and reading a letter left to him by a dead man, then visiting Brian’s grave certainly had been. And together with the several glasses of wine he’d consumed, Justin was feeling somewhat light-headed and maybe just a little depressed.
He looked at the remainder of the drink in the glass and his stomach was now complaining bitterly. Knowing another mouthful would probably result in him bringing up everything he’d just consumed, Justin placed the glass down on the coffee table and leaning his head back against the cushions, he closed his eyes.
Picking up her plate and glass, Daphne followed Justin to the sofa and sat down a few feet away from him in order to finish her meal, but still anxious to keep an eye on him. But a few minutes later and with his head swimming, Justin automatically curled up into the corner of the seating and it wasn’t long before he fell asleep, totally oblivious of the fact that he had company. It was still relatively early, but with whatever it was he’d had to deal with today, it was obvious to Daphne that it had taken its toll and carefully, so as not to waken him, she retrieved a spare blanket from the bedroom closet and tucked it around her friend and let him sleep on.
In the end, Justin spent the whole night on the sofa and slept soundly all the way through and Daphne took the bed. She couldn’t get out of classes in the morning, but she would make sure that Justin was okay before she left.
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Justin cautiously opened one eye in response to the gentle shaking of his shoulder and slowly sitting up and pulling the blanket around him, gratefully accepted the mug of strong black coffee offered.
“Do you need anything else?” Daphne asked him, holding out the Advil bottle and Justin closed his eyes and carefully shook his head. Surprisingly, he didn’t have too much of a hangover and considering he’d had several headaches of late and had been taking pills regularly, decided to forgo.
“I’ll see if it wears off by itself first,” came his answer, but not unsurprisingly, turned down the offer of breakfast.
Daphne collected her coffee and plate of toast and sat down beside him. Justin looked thoughtful and, indeed, he was going over all of yesterdays events in his head; his knees pulled into his chest and holding the coffee mug with both hands.
“Sorry I fell asleep on you,” apologized Justin and Daphne smiled at him. “That’s okay … you looked pretty exhausted … it couldn’t have been an easy day … getting that letter Brian left you and visiting his grave,” and she took a bite of her toast.
Justin sighed. “No … it wasn’t easy.”
“I’d hoped visiting the grave would give me some closure … but this morning, I don’t really feel any different.”
“It’s going to take time Justin,” stated Daphne, taking a swallow of her own coffee. “You’ve a lot of adjusting to do.”
Justin nodded and then, reaching out, squeezed his friend’s arm. “I really appreciate you being here for me, Daph,” he told her. “As if I could ever not be here for you,” his friend assured him and then she frowned as she remembered something she‘d been meaning to ask him about the previous evening.
“So … what are you going to do with your new found wealth? It sounds like Brian really wanted to make sure you were okay,” she asked him and Justin shook his head. “It isn’t going to make a scrap of difference … I don’t wanna make money from Brian dying.”
“Then what are you going to do with it all? … what with the loft … the club and the house … between them, they must be worth a small fortune.”
“At least for now I’ll stay on here … but Kinnetik’s taking over the house and Ted’s going to manage the club … but I don’t intend to take any money from them.”
“But Brian wanted you to have it,” stated Daphne, confused as to what Justin’s objections were.
“It just doesn’t feel right,” shrugged Justin and he took another swallow of his drink as Daphne frowned at him.
“Then how are you going to live … didn’t Brian pay for everything?”
Justin sighed and was forced to nod his confirmation. “Everything except for the studio.”
“Well then … how are you going to live unless you use Brian’s money? At least while you’re still at college.”
Justin looked down into his mug. “I … I’m not sure I’m going back to college,” he confessed and he took a rather large swallow of his drink this time and drained the mug.
“Not going back?” Why on earth not?”
“I’m not sure it’s what I want to do any more.”
“Justin … you’re not still worrying if you’re any good at it, are you?” Daphne asked him in exasperation and Justin shrugged and looked down into his empty mug.
“Maybe … but in any case, I haven’t been back to the studio again yet … and I’m not sure I want to.”
“Justin … I can’t believe you’re thinking this way … after everything you’ve been through to pursue your art.”
“You have a god given talent … and now Brian’s left you the money so that you’d be comfortably off enough to explore that talent and not be the classic ‘starving artist’.”
Justin frowned. “But don’t you see Daph … it means that Brian’s still taking care of me … of everything … even from the other side of the grave.”
“Just promise me you won’t do anything drastic … like suddenly quitting school,” pleaded Daphne and she finished off her coffee and took her mug and plate back to the kitchen.
“Leave it … I’ll do the dishes later,” Justin told her and although Daphne would have liked to stay longer and talk to him further about not giving up his art courses, she had to run if she wanted to get back to her own place and get into clean clothes in time for class and she picked up her school bag.
“I’ll call back later,“ she told him as she let herself out of the loft, visibly concerned that Justin had seemed unable to answer her and offer any assurances.
After Daphne left, Justin crawled off the sofa and headed for the shower and thought about their conversation. There was only one thing for it; he would have to confront his feelings for his art head-on and once dressed, Justin ventured down to his studio.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whereas previously, the place had been a source of discovery and had offered him so much hope, now, instead of feeling comforting and welcoming, Justin found his studio to be rather daunting and forbidding.
Before Brian’s death, Justin had boundless passion for what he did and endless confidence in himself and his abilities, but now this feeling of emptiness and helplessness inside still persisted. It was all mixed up with his grief for Brian, of course, and he still couldn’t shake off the doubts he’d had as to the point of it all.
He’d never before thought of Brian as his motivation, as he was sure some of his best work had actually come out of their separations. But maybe that was it, that in any form, his emotions were connected so irrevocably to Brian that it’s what brought him and his art alive. And he was only now just realizing that separated or together, it’s what had given him a reason for being: that Brian provided the incentive to try different things and stretch himself in order to determine just exactly what he could achieve. Justin would never admit that he ever sought Brian’s approval, but the merest smile of appreciation, acknowledgement or favorable opinion from the man fired and renewed Justin’s enthusiasm every time.
But Justin needed those ties, as even throughout their times apart, it seemed he and Brian could never stay out of each other’s lives for long. They‘d continued to influence each other one way or another and always in the knowledge that if one of them needed the other, then they would always be there. But that was no longer so.
So where was Justin now going to acquire his motivation, his enthusiasm, his incentive and his passion?
Justin picked up a pencil and sketchpad and sat down in the armchair. He doodled, nothing significant, just lines which formed a few totally meaningless shapes and which led nowhere. He hadn’t even looked at the work he’d partly completed, deciding instead to try something different and fresh to see if he could stimulate any sort of inkling of which direction he should now be heading in. But still, nothing came and frustrated and angry at himself, he’d eventually left, slamming the door behind him as he went.
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“Justin, just to let you know … as far as the police are concerned … there’s no charges being brought against anyone and the case is officially closed.“
“I’m on my way home … these came back to me today … I thought you might want them,” and Carl handed Justin a cardboard box secured with brown parcel tape. “Careful … it’s a little heavy.”
Standing in the open doorway of the loft, Justin’s heart sank as he reached out to take it from him and he didn’t need to ask what it was.
“Thanks, Carl … I guess we’ll never know what really happened the night Brian died,” answered Justin, resigned to the knowledge that the mystery concerning his partner’s last hours would likely never be solved.
“Thanks for this.”
“No problem … I‘ll let you get back to whatever you were doing … I expect you‘re busy,” and with a faintly embarrassed smile, Carl turned around and headed back down the stairs. Justin realized that Debbie had probably relayed to Carl how the young man had rounded on her, but Carl, of course, was far too professional to let it interfere with his work.
Slowly, Justin turned and crossed the floor towards the table, where he set down the box before returning to the door and sliding it closed and then he went to the kitchen to collect a knife from the drawer.
Returning to the table, Justin took a deep breath before cutting through the parcel tape and as he pulled apart the flaps of the box, he felt his heart leap into his mouth.
Lying on top were the two wine glasses the crime scene investigation team had removed from the loft the night Brian died and removing them, Justin carefully set them down on the table. They were part of a set of six and not cheap at that. But then, of course, Brian never did cheap in anything.
They’d been nestled for safety partly in the folds of the set of bed linen, a good quality cotton, which had also undergone forensic examination with no conclusive evidence found to confirm that another man was responsible for Brian’s death.
Having removed the linen and placing it on the table beside the glasses, Justin paused to look at what had lain beneath; the clothing that presumably Brian had been wearing that evening, considering it was found littering the floor of the bedroom.
Black wife-beater, jeans and undershorts. There were no socks, shoes or trainers as Brian loved to feel the smooth polished wooden boards of the loft beneath his feet. Justin had loved Brian’s feet, they were as sexy as the rest of the man’s body and Justin used to love watching Brian pad around the loft wearing nothing on them.
Heavily, Justin sank down into one of the dining chairs and surveyed the residue of that fateful night and he closed his eyes as he felt the bile rise within him.
Christ, how he hated all this.
But he also missed Brian so much, that it literally hurt to carry on living.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So despondent was Justin now, not only about Brian’s death and dealing with everything that had entailed, but also his art. It seemed it was all he could do to drag himself out of bed before midday, feeling that without either of them, that he had nothing worth getting up for. His sleep, though, was often disturbed and he would sometimes get up in the middle of the night for a few hours and end up watching some old black and white movie on the TV before heading back to bed around dawn. Add this to his ongoing grief, and Jennifer and Daphne feared Justin was heading for depression or a breakdown.
Now, even more than before, did Justin feel totally aimless and hadn’t even begun to think what the future might bring. With nothing to focus on, he couldn’t see anything ahead of him except more of what he was already experiencing; like looking down a dark tunnel. His anger, though diminished, in part out of sheer exhaustion, still existed, even though his abiding feeling of simply missing Brian more than he’d ever thought possible overrode just about everything else in his life right now. Being separated from Brian those times when the man wouldn’t recognize their bond or during the months Justin had been in L.A. paled into insignificance by comparison.
Nothing his mom or Daphne could say to him seemed to help and now without any of the gang in contact, save for Emmett and Ted, who hadn’t really been part of his quarrel, Justin’s isolation increased even more so.
Emmett, following on from Brian’s bequest, was in the middle of sorting out office space at Kinnetik and loving every minute of it. He’d asked Justin if he would like to help him decorate and furnish it, but Justin declined, even though it might have helped him to have something to think about. Ted kept in touch, but there was only so many times he could ring and let him know how business was doing before Justin would start to question the phonecalls.
But then, nearly a week after Justin had visited Brian’s grave, he did get an unexpected visitor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was almost 6:00, it had rained all morning, the clouds still threatened and it was unseasonably cold. If Justin hadn’t been low enough before, the greyness of the sky outside certainly depressed him now and he’d spent most of the time since eventually rising just staring out the window. But so deep in thought had he been; thoughts however, that he later couldn’t even recall, that he failed to notice a particular someone enter the building.
Justin had tried to ignore the banging on the door, but whoever it was seemed irritatingly persistent and sighing heavily, he eventually went to answer it. It seemed to be the only way to make it stop.
“I hope you haven’t eaten,“ stated Debbie and Justin stared at her in disbelief as one of the last people in the world he was expecting to see on his doorstep again waited for an answer.
Justin blinked and realized this could go one of two ways. Either he could tell Debbie to take a hike or he could invite her in and maybe act as if nothing unpleasant had passed between them. But looking at her with that unmistakable ‘you’re-not-going-to-rid-of-me-that-easily’ look on her face, Justin decided on the second option; for it appeared as if Debbie had decided he needed looking after regardless. And Justin realized he was touched that she actually cared despite everything he’d leveled at her.
“Tell me that isn’t a tuna and macaroni casserole,” Justin pleaded with her, looking at the cloth-covered dish she was holding. Justin couldn’t help smiling to himself as he recalled several instances where he’d found the remains of such a meal in the fridge or freezer and Brian had recounted similar visits from Debbie. The casserole had taken on legendary status, though Justin knew for sure that Brian had never fully disclosed the conversations he’d shared with Debbie; Justin often wondered and had been intrigued by what might have passed between them.
In fact there had been several heart-to-hearts between Debbie and Brian over the years, when the woman had got closer to the truth about the man and his feelings than practically anyone else and now it looked like it was Justin’s turn to be on the receiving end of some Debbie Novotny pearls of wisdom. But hearing the young man’s plea about what was possibly in the dish, Debbie raised her eyes up at the ceiling in exasperation.
“Contrary to popular belief … that isn’t all I can cook, you know,” she told him, though there was no real trace of annoyance in her voice and she held the dish out further in front of her.
“Lasagne … now … are you gonna let me in?”
Justin sighed in resignation and now fully sliding open the door, he stood back to let Debbie pass him and she walked over to the kitchen counter and plonked down the dish, the late edition paper falling from under her arm as she did so and Justin automatically stooped to retrieve it.
“I picked that up on the way over,” Debbie informed him and Justin read the headlines as slowly, he went back to close the door.
‘Stockwell: Trial delayed further as links to organized crime investigated’
And starting to read the article, Justin shook his head.
“Is this guy ever gonna get to trial?” queried Justin, an echo of the question he’d asked Brian that time and Debbie shrugged. “Carl says they’re going back to talk to everyone who ever had any dealings with him … so I guess that might include you.”
“Me?” asked Justin, in disbelief and walking back towards her.
“Well, I think just about everyone knows now that it was you who was behind that poster campaign,” Debbie answered him.
“Did the police ever talk to Brian? He did promote the man after all?”
“I’ve no idea … he never said,” answered Justin and reaching out, Debbie took the paper from him and tapped him on the chest with it. “Just watch yourself … there’s talk of possible witness intimidation.”
“Witness to what?” asked Justin and Debbie shrugged. “People he met with … deals he made … who knows?” came the answer and Justin could see the unmistakable concern now in her eyes.
“But if anything worries you … promise me you’ll talk to Carl?”
“Still looking out for me Debbie? … I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again … after the other night.”
“I thought about it,” chuckled Debbie and then she sighed. “But I got to thinking …”
“You’d told me yourself how angry you were at Brian … and knowing you … you’d be angry with yourself for having those feelings … so later … when I had a chance to think about it … I just figured it all kind of built up and had nowhere to go.”
“But that doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t actually agree with you,” she informed the surprised young man and he frowned at her and saw her swallow. Debbie dropped the paper on the kitchen counter, took a step closer to him and laid her hand on his arm.
“Never, did I think about what I was doing when I slapped Brian that time … it just never occurred to me,” and Justin heard the catch in Debbie’s voice.
“You were right … he turned up at my place more than once with a cut lip or bruised cheek … after getting on the wrong side of Jack … and he came to me because he knew he’d be safe.”
“That doesn’t mean that I still don’t think Brian should have said those things about Vic … but I am genuinely sorry I hit him.”
“And knowing how I felt after Vic died … after the other evening … I can appreciate where you were coming from.”
“So … if you’ve a mind to … how about we call it quits?” she asked him and now Debbie held out her hand. Debbie honestly had a great deal of affection for Justin and even though he’d hurt her at the time, she came to know the truth in what he’d said. And, hating the thought that they’d no longer have any contact, she decided the young man was probably hurting more than he ever thought possible and she couldn’t bear the thought of him going through that without as many people around him for support as possible.
Justin smiled at her, realizing it couldn’t have been easy for the woman to come to him like this and deliver what tantamounted to an apology. It was just a pity Brian didn’t get to hear it. For all her faults and still believing there was a little basis at least for his anger, Justin knew she was the woman Brian truly thought more of a mother to him than his own and he, himself, had been more than grateful to her since the time of their first meeting and had found himself even missing her fussing over him.
Reaching out, Justin took Debbie’s hand, but instead of a simple, formal handshake, Debbie drew him into her and gave him a big hug. “Good to have you back, Sunshine,” she informed him and then she pulled back to look at him.
“Now … have you eaten yet?” she asked him and Justin smiled at her and shook his head.
“Then I’ll cut you a portion and re-heat it … in fact I‘ll cut two … I haven‘t eaten either,” she told him and she took off her rain coat and hung it around the back of one of the high stools by the counter. Letting Debbie take charge in the kitchen, Justin went to the wine rack above the cupboard and lifted down a bottle. The rack was almost empty, he realized with a start; he‘d obviously been drinking even more than he was aware of.
Debbie watched him out of the corner of her eye and frowned. Justin had looked thin before and he’d obviously lost even more weight and his pale complexion looked whiter than ever, which emphasized the dark circles under his eyes. But it was more than that. It might have been Brian who’d died, but to Debbie, it appeared that Justin had had the life knocked out of him. Gone, it seemed, was the irrepressible young man who wouldn’t take no for an answer and had enough enthusiasm for ten people. For when Debbie had looked into those usually passionate blue eyes, even more than before, they seemed to reflect the emptiness that Justin felt inside. If he wasn’t careful, Justin would soon stop living too and there was no way Debbie wanted to see that for him and hoped that maybe it was just a matter of time before he got back on his feet again.
“Is this okay?” Justin asked Debbie, showing her the bottle of wine he’d chosen and the woman nodded. “Looks fine to me,“ came the reply, but Debbie hoped Justin didn’t think that alcohol was the answer to what ailed him. Justin picked up two glasses as he made his way to the dining table and, having placed everything on the table, he returned to the kitchen for utensils and place settings.
Investigating the ‘fridge, Debbie was surprised to find some green salad that was still edible: just. Obviously, Jennifer or Daphne was doing the shopping, because Justin certainly didn’t look up to it.
It didn’t take any time at all to re-heat their meal in the microwave and having put the salad in a small bowl, Debbie took everything to the table.
They ate in a surprisingly comfortable atmosphere, considering what had gone on before and Debbie attempted to keep the conversation light while she tried to ascertain whether Justin could take anything heavier or talk about anything that concerned Brian. In the end, she decided it would probably hearten Justin to hear about one of Brian’s bequests being carried out and she told him of the property they hoped to acquire as the new HIV & AIDS hospice.
The house was four stories high and had a basement and was only just off Liberty Avenue, which meant it would be very much in the heart of the gay community. It would take a bit of renovating in order to create a larger kitchen and laundry area and to make the bedrooms ensuite as much as possible, but it should be up and running within about six months after they’d taken possession if everyone worked hard. And, in preparation, Debbie had already given in her notice at work, determined that running the hospice would now be her main concern. And with help and advice from the medical personnel involved with Vic Grassi House, she would also soon be looking to hire staff.
“I can’t tell you how much it means to me … and to Michael and Ben,” stated Debbie and she had to blink back the tears as she reached out and squeezed Justin’s hand. She was very fond of Ben, but knew how susceptible he was to any infection and how dangerous that would be, owing to his HIV+ status. She’d nursed her own HIV+ brother back to health some years before and had seen the suffering close up during those early days.
Thankfully, now, through modern drugs, HIV/AIDS diagnoses no longer meant an automatic death sentence. But for those who succumbed, there was still plenty to be done to ease the suffering and make their lives as pain free and worthwhile as possible.
“I guess Brian wanted to say thank you in the way he knew you’d appreciate it best,” shrugged Justin, admitting that Brian was obviously grateful, despite any differences they might have had.
“And Em’s having a ball getting his new office ready,” chuckled Debbie and she sniffed and dabbed her eye with the corner of her handkerchief and Justin smiled back at her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Have you spoken to Mel and Lindsay?” asked Debbie as she picked up her wine glass. They’d continued to eat their meal in an easy silence, but Debbie had been biding her time to ask. She was keen that Justin didn’t alienate himself permanently from the gang. As far as she was concerned they were all family and though families certainly squabbled, she didn’t want to see him falling out with them big time. Especially now with Brian gone as she wanted Justin to have as many people around him as possible.
Justin sighed. “No, I haven’t … though I really wanna keep in touch with Gus … Brian would want me to.”
“Well, they‘re due to leave for Toronto in about a week … why don’t you go and talk to them?” asked Debbie, but Justin shrugged. “I might be able to get through to Lindsay … but Mel never did like Brian … I don’t know why we all just don’t admit that?”
Debbie couldn‘t help smiling and then shrugged. “It’s not easy to admit your partner has feelings for someone else … but we all know Lindsay had a special bond with Brian.”
“But then, why wouldn’t she … he was Gus’ father.”
“And if you want to keep in touch with that man’s son … then I guess you’re gonna have to make your peace with her,” stated Debbie and she raised an eyebrow and gave him an all too familiar ‘you-know-you-don’t-have-a-choice’ look as she took a swallow of her drink and reluctantly, Justin nodded in agreement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So … when are you gonna start back at school?” Debbie asked him as they cleared away the dirty dishes into the sink and she ran the hot water; there was no point in loading them into the dishwasher, they’d probably sit there a week until Justin had enough to make it worth putting on.
Justin retrieved a drying up cloth from the kitchen drawer and picked up a clean plate that Debbie had placed on the drainer, but he didn’t answer her.
His silence spoke volumes to Debbie and she turned to look at him and Justin sighed. “I’m not sure if I’m going back. “
“Art just doesn’t seem important any more.”
Hardly able to believe her ears, Debbie turned to face him head on. “Justin Taylor … what the fuck are you talking about?” and she pointed the dish brush at him.
“After everything you went through when you were so determined to get to PIFA in the first place? And plucking up courage to go back there after they wouldn’t let you ‘cos you wouldn’t apologize to Stockwell?”
“But besides all that … you have so much talent … it would be criminal to waste it.”
“What the hell would Brian say if …”
“Brian doesn’t have a say any more … he never really did,” stated Justin, matter of factly, as he placed the plate back in the rack. “I make my own decisions … and if he were here … he’d respect that.”
“Hmmm,” frowned Debbie, knowing every one of Justin’s words were true.
“He might respect it … doesn’t mean to say he’d agree with you,” Debbie pointed out, before turning back to the sink and Justin frowned. Brian’s opinion had always meant a lot to Justin, but knowing that he would probably be disappointed in any decision Justin might make to quit school, didn’t help recover the young man’s motivation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having put everything away and the remainder of the lasagne now residing in the fridge, Debbie picked up her coat and the paper she‘d brought in with her.
“Now … you are gonna see Lindsay before they leave, aren‘t you?“ asked Debbie and Justin promised her that he would at least give it a shot.
“Good,“ Debbie answered him and half-way to the door, she stopped and turned around.
“If you need anything, Sunshine … anything at all … you will call me or come around?” she asked him and Justin nodded. Debbie sighed. Despite his attempts at conversation, she’d never seen Justin as lost as he now appeared to be. His grief was understandable, but what Debbie hadn’t been expecting was to hear Justin voice his doubts about the importance of his art. Hopefully, that state of mind was only temporary and reaching out, she put her hand on his arm.
“Look … I’m not saying you should ever forget Brian … far from it.”
“But they say everything has its time … and when it ends, well … then it’s right to move on to another phase in our lives.”
“We grieve the passing … but then there’ll come a time when we have to put that away and look forward.”
“That may not be today … tomorrow … or even next week … but don’t forget that your life didn’t end when Brian’s did … and nor should it.”
“Grieve for him … but grieve in the knowledge that Brian would want you to live your own life to the full … like he did,” stated Debbie and she gave Justin a hug, which left both of them blinking back the tears.
Justin sighed as he closed the door behind her and he knew she was right; everyone was. He had his whole life in front of him, but that didn’t make Justin any less confused about which direction he should now be heading in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You’ve done what?” asked Justin in surprise, as Lindsay guided him away from Gus. Two days later, having mulled over the promise he’d made to Debbie, Justin discovered Lindsay and Gus on his doorstep, literally as he was making his way out to see them. Five minutes later and they would have missed each other. And having found Gus’ favorite cartoon DVD and sat him down in front of the TV, Justin allowed himself to be taken into the kitchen and away from prying ears.
“I’ve left Melanie,” repeated Lindsay. “For good this time … and I’m going to take up Brian’s offer of the house.”
“But I thought you and Mel had sorted everything out,” stated Justin, looking back over his shoulder to make sure Gus didn‘t hear and he put on some water for coffee. Lindsay shook her head. “We were just kidding ourselves.”
“And now Melanie has Jenny, I can feel her pulling away from Gus.”
“She’d deny it, of course … but I guess blood really is thicker than water.”
“Where are you staying?”
“At Debbie’s … I left Mel and Jenny Rebecca at the house and went to Deb’s late last night … I couldn‘t stand it any more.”
“Then, what about Toronto?” asked Justin and Lindsay shrugged. “I guess Mel will be going on her own.”
“Then you’re really serious … about staying?”
“I’ve never been more serious,” came Lindsay’s reply.
“I always knew she and Brian never saw eye to eye, but hearing her start into him like that … “
“I realized I didn’t like her any more … let alone love her.”
“I’ve let her get away with far too much … she was always criticizing Brian in front of Gus.”
“I should have pulled her up on it … but I never did.”
“And now I know for sure that I no longer want to be with her.”
“I’m sorry you two couldn’t work it out,” stated Justin, sadly, but Lindsay shrugged. “Don’t be … I think the fact that we were both able to cheat on each other so easily showed neither of us were really in it for the long haul.”
“I’m just sorry it took so long for me to see it.”
“And to be honest … I’d got fed up keeping the peace between Mel and Brian … and acting like a doormat for Mel in the process.”
“I mean you’d think she was little miss perfect … she conveniently forgot she cheated on me first.”
“Now I’m not saying that gave me any excuse … but at least I would have thought she’d accept that no matter how hard we try … we can all slip up from time to time.”
“I think the one thing Mel just couldn’t forgive … was the fact that I cheated on her with a man.”
“Hmm,” frowned Justin, surprised at how open Lindsay was being with him and maybe this was the time for both of them to be honest with each other.
“What I said before …” started Justin, though he hardly felt he owed her an apology, for as far as he was concerned, he’d stated the truth how he’d seen it. But he also had obligations now to Brian. Lindsay raised an eyebrow.
“What, that I didn‘t ask Brian to fuck me again?” she asked him and Justin groaned and put his hand over his face at being reminded of exactly how honest he‘d been, but Lindsay smiled at him.
“Well, what can I say? When you’ve had the best …”
“I guess we have that in common,” stated Justin and he couldn’t help smiling back at her.
“Well, I’ve learned my lesson … I don’t think I’ll be rushing into another relationship any time soon … with either a man or a woman,” stated Lindsay, lifting the cups down from shelf.
“But there is something I wanted to say to you,” and Lindsay now looked down at her hands before looking back up at Justin and she lowered her voice to almost a hush.
“It was obviously you who Brian loved and wanted to be with … not me.”
“And I was a fool to ever think he might have any feelings for me other than that for a close friend … and the mother of his son.”
“I admit … I allowed myself to … to dream of what might have been.”
“But it was always a ludicrous idea. “
“There’s no way Brian would ever be in a relationship with a woman,” chuckled Lindsay at the absurdity of the idea and trying to hide her embarrassment following her confession.
“He really loved you,” stated Lindsay quietly to Justin and though there was no malice in it, Justin thought he could detect a little envy in her voice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin made coffee and Lindsay produced a juice drink for the Gus from the bag she brought with her. Then at Gus’ insistence, with Lindsay sitting on the sofa, Justin joined the youngster on floor cushions in front of the TV to watch his Noddy DVD with him.
“You know that Noddy and Big Ears are more than just good friends,” whispered Justin up to Lindsay, and the woman groaned. “And there was me thinking it was Noddy and Mr. Plod,“ stated Lindsay, feigning disappointment at the revelation. Feeling decidedly more relaxed than he had in a long time, Justin suddenly realized that he’d been subconsciously stroking the back of Gus’ head as he watched the TV with him. Just being around the youngster and his remarkable likeness to Brian, seemed to calm and console Justin without him realizing and then the boy climbed onto Justin’s lap for a cuddle.
“I think he’s missing his dad,” confessed Lindsay reluctantly and she sighed and sat back on the sofa. “What’s wrong?” asked Justin and he saw her take a deep breath.
“Brian was right … deciding to move to Canada was giving up and running away … when we should have stayed put and stood our ground.”
“You were worried about the kids … that’s not so difficult to understand,” answered Justin, but Lindsay shook her head. “But not at the expense of taking Gus away from his father.”
“And I’m sorry Brian didn’t get the second chance like he wanted.”
“Second chance?” asked Justin, confused at Lindsay’s statement and the woman nodded.
“Brian said he wanted a second chance … to be a real father to Gus ..
“And I’m just so sorry he didn’t get it … that they both didn’t get a second chance to really get to know each other …” Lindsay placed her cup on the floor and covered her face with her hands as she crumpled. Melanie had always made her feel embarrassed whenever she’d shown her distress at Brian’s death, but with Justin, he would surely know exactly how she must feel.
Justin gently slid Gus back onto the floor and getting up, went to sit beside Lindsay on the sofa and gave her a big hug.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m glad you came around,” stated Justin to Lindsay and reaching out, he ruffled Gus’ hair. After Lindsay had recovered, she went to freshen up in the bathroom while Justin replenished her coffee and he’d spent another good half-hour watching TV with Gus and enjoying both their company. But now it was time for mother and son to leave and together with Justin, they were now standing out in the hallway
“I was coming over to you … I was worried you wouldn’t let me have any contact with Gus … after …”
Lindsay moved closer and placed her hand on his arm, halting Justin mid-sentence. “I hate to admit it … but there was a lot of truth in what you said,” and then she looked at her watch.
“I have to go … I said I’d meet up with Ted this afternoon to sort out the finances for the house,” and she leaned forward to kiss Justin’s cheek.
“Still friends?” she asked him and Justin smiled back at her. “Still friends,” he confirmed and he smiled down at Gus, looking forward to the time when he could tell the youngster about the beautiful man that was his father and pass onto him Brian’s gifts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin hadn’t yet completely decided that he wasn‘t going back to school and he’d been given dispensation to take time out from class until he had come to a decision one way or another. But as it was, everyone’s life seemed to be moving forward except his.
Michael and Ben were heavily involved with Debbie in the arrangements for the new hospice; Emmett, now that he had a proper office from which to run his party planning business, was forging ahead and had even hired a part-time PA; Lindsay, with help from Jennifer, was eagerly looking for a property for her to live in with Gus and Ted and Cynthia were in command of Babylon and Kinnetik between them. But Justin felt that he was left in limbo, unable to concentrate or even decide what future he wanted for himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In an effort to force himself to return to some sort of normality, Justin had eventually ventured back to one or two familiar haunts, but he hadn’t set foot in Woody’s or been to Babylon since the night of Brian’s memorial; at the moment, ever going back there again seemed a distinctly remote possibility, but he did go back to the diner. He’d run into Carl down there, who echoed Debbie’s words when he informed him he might be interviewed with regards to the Stockwell investigation, but was, himself, keen to know that the young man was okay. Carl liked Justin and the feeling was mutual. Justin regarded Carl as a genuinely good man, who also enjoyed playing step-grandpa to Gus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jesus Christ! This isn’t a fucking prize fight!“
After a short, but pleasant conversation, Carl had to return to duty, but Justin stayed on at the diner, enjoying his late morning coffee. He smiled at the all too familiar cry of exasperation as the incessant ringing of the bell from the kitchen signified an order ready to be delivered, but Debbie was run off her feet and looking decidedly frazzled.
“Debbie … how long does it take to get a simple burger and fries around here? This side of Thanksgiving would be nice,“ came the hungry cry from the corner booth, the meal’s intended recipient and Debbie turned to face the man and was about to fire a broadside.
“Let me take that,” offered Justin and he carefully relieved Debbie of the tray she was carrying to a table at the front of the diner. “Thanks, Sunshine … table 4,” came the sigh of gratitude, allowing her to now make the collection from the kitchen.
“You don’t fancy a shift do you?” asked Debbie, only half joking, a few minutes later as Justin went behind the counter to collect the coffee pot and she saw him hesitate as he obviously thought it over.
“Only if you’ve nothing better to do,” Debbie continued, now with a serious suggestion and Justin shrugged. “No … I’ve got nothing planned,” he answered her and so Justin helped Debbie out until after the lunch time rush was over.
“Payment or lunch?” asked Debbie and Justin frowned in confusion. “For the shift ..“
“Do you want paying … or lunch on the house?”
“I wasn’t expecting payment,” stated Justin, only too glad to help out and in fact he found he’d actually enjoyed it. “Only fair,” came back Debbie.
“Okay … then I’ll take lunch,” answered Justin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So … how are you doing?” asked Debbie, as she slid into the booth opposite Justin. It had been about a week since she’d seen him, though she had called a couple of times to see how he was. And now, as he was finishing off his lunch, Debbie joined him in a cup of coffee.
Justin shrugged. “Just trying to take each day as it comes, I guess,” came the answer and Debbie nodded. “It takes time,” she assured him and then she frowned into her coffee cup before looking back up at him.
“Have you thought more about going back to school?” she asked him and then she took a tentative sip of the hot liquid.
“I’ve been given time out,” answered Justin and he leaned against the back of the seat. “But I’m still not sure whether I am going back … and please, Debbie … no lectures.” He’d seen her obviously about to say something, but he really didn’t need to hear anyone else question his decision about whether or not to return to school; his Mom’s and Daphne’s rather heavy handed hints were enough.
“Okay … no lectures,” agreed Debbie, reluctantly. “But don’t let it drift too long … it’ll be harder to go back the longer you leave it,” stated Debbie and Justin sighed at her determination to get her point across, but he had a confession.
“Mom’s said that,” admitted Justin.
“Then listen to her … she’s a smart woman … she knows what she’s talking about.”
“Then what are you doing with yourself all day … are you back painting yet?” Debbie asked him and reluctantly, Justin shook his head.
“I just don’t seem to have the heart … or the motivation.”
“I really don’t have any idea of where I’m heading,” sighed Justin and Debbie could see how lost Justin still remained and she frowned.
“Look … I know it‘s not rocket science … and you can do it standing on your head …”
“But if you‘re looking for something to do for a while … just to keep you occupied … you could always help out here every now and again.”
“I don’t know, Debbie,” frowned Justin, wondering whether he did want to take what was the equivalent of a step backwards. Plus there was the little problem of Michael, since Justin had laid into him that time, but, as usual, Debbie could read his mind.
“Michael doesn’t come in here anywhere near as much … especially in the evenings,” stated Debbie and Justin bit his lip. Admittedly, the evenings were the worst part of the day and just seemed to drag on endlessly. So, maybe in the short term, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to have something he could do, with very little effort, to fill in some time. At least it would get him out of the loft a little more often.
“Okay … you’re on,” declared Justin and Debbie grinned at him. Good, perhaps he’d start to get out and mix a little more. During conversations with both Jennifer and Daphne, they’d all expressed their concern that Justin didn’t lock himself away and just brood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin agreed to take on a few shifts a week at the diner. It wasn‘t easy to start with, continually running into people he used to meet up with when he was with Brian, but after a few initial awkward and embarrassing greetings, things began to settle down a little. But he only worked in the evenings so that he didn’t run into Michael. That situation would probably have to be faced one day, Justin realized, but it did at least feel good that he’d made peace with Debbie and Lindsay.
But one thing Justin didn’t seem to be able to do, was make peace with Brian, at least not yet. However much he loved the man, and he did, still, there remained an undercurrent of disappointment and anger that he was only gradually learning to put to one side. It was a painfully slow process, much like his recovery from the grief of the man’s death.
And it was this inability to reconcile his feelings that had resulted in the creative block that Justin saw no way of working through. He’d tried going back to his studio again on several occasions, but with only the same results; no motivation and seemingly no passion to return to what he used to find virtually all-consuming.
Thankfully, from Kinnetik and Babylon and of course his shifts at the diner, Justin had enough money coming in to live on, though he continued to struggle to accept that provided by Brian. Working casually at the diner was one thing, but it wouldn’t provide him with any answers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With very little fanfare, Melanie and Jenny Rebecca had moved to Toronto on their own and were staying with one of Mel’s cousins. Much to Lindsay’s surprise, there had been no shouting match with Melanie and she’d amicably agreed for them to go their separate ways. Currently, the womens’ finances were being sorted, though under the circumstances, Lindsay was willing for Melanie to have the proceeds from the sale of the house solely for her own use. After all, Lindsay and Gus would now be reasonably comfortable and Melanie had been the one who, while Gus was a baby, had continued to work and pay the bills, allowing Lindsay to stay at home with their son, something she was often at pains to point out to her.
Unfortunately, very quickly, Lindsay had found it difficult to continue staying at Debbie’s, but it was only ever going to be a stop-gap. Debbie was Jenny Rebecca’s grandma after all and though Michael pretended not to take sides, it was pretty obvious he came down in Melanie’s favor. Debbie, to her credit, did manage to stay neutral. Gus wasn’t a blood relative like little JR, but having considered Brian a second son and the gang all her family, Gus was about as close to being her grandson as it was possible to be. But with Jennifer working flat out on Lindsay’s behalf, a property in a nice part of town was soon identified.
The house was in good order with a decent size garden for Gus to play and kick a ball around and there were good schools close by. It was also vacant, so they didn’t have to wait for the occupiers to move out and so with very little delay, the sale was completed and Lindsay was able to take possession.
Luckily for Lindsay, her job at the art gallery in town was still open and she managed to step right back into it. Though the new house was paid for and there was the income from Kinnetik which helped with furnishings and equipment, Lindsay didn’t want to stay at home permanently, especially with Gus spending more time at nursery school. Before, she’d felt it necessary for her to work as much as wanting to, needing to prove to Melanie that she was capable of pulling her weight as well as pursuing her own career. But even though money now wasn’t as big an issue as it used to be, Lindsay needed the job to keep her occupied; being on her own full-time with a young boy didn’t really offer any adult stimulation.
Wanting to keep as much contact with Gus as possible, Justin willingly volunteered to baby-sit him, either while Lindsay was at work if needed, or if she had a social engagement; he could always swap his evening shift at the diner for another.
Lindsay had laughed when Justin had initially volunteered his time should she have a date, reiterating her earlier statement of not eagerly looking to get into another relationship, but she was certainly grateful to have someone Gus knew and liked so much willing to lend a hand. And in some strange way, to Lindsay, it also meant she had another link, albeit tentative, still with Brian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was late afternoon and Lindsay had come home to freshen up and change. Sidney Bloom, Lindsay’s boss, had asked her to organize an art show, which had meant several evening’s overtime. And taking up Justin’s offer to babysit again, but now into the early evening, it had meant that he hadn’t been able to work his roster at the diner, but Debbie didn’t mind one bit; spending time with Gus was far more important.
Tonight, Lindsay showered and changed while Justin give Gus his evening meal and he would then stay with him for however long Lindsay needed to be out.
“I’m still hoping we’ll have a Justin Taylor show one day,” stated Lindsay, earnestly as she grabbed a quick mouthful of coffee, but Justin merely shook his head without answering her properly, as he sat down to eat with Gus.
As always, Justin enjoyed spending the time with Gus. After dinner, they spent a little time watching the Disney channel before Justin took the youngster up for his bath. Then, having settled him into bed, Justin read to Gus before he fell asleep.
Justin had already started to regularly baby-sit for Gus during the day when the boy wasn‘t at nursery school or helped out by taking him to the crèche at the GLC and had quickly become part of Gus’ routine and both of them loved every minute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With the rental car having been picked up by the hire company, Justin decided he needed his own transport as he was seeing so much of Gus, and bought himself a car. It was nothing fancy, just a plain but serviceable economy compact, but it was so much more convenient and made life a whole lot easier. During the day, after nursery or the crèche, Justin often had Gus over to the loft or spent time with him down the park kicking a soccer ball around.
He now regularly took him to the crèche at the Gay and Lesbian Center, in order for the boy to learn how to socialize with other youngsters his age and mix with kids who also had gay parents. And it was one day when Daphne came to meet them to go out for a burger at the diner afterwards, something they tended to do together about once a week, that an idea for Justin’s future started to take shape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The normal routine now was for Justin to take Gus to the crèche and then collect him later in the day, but on this occasion, he stayed on to help out as one of the usual helpers phoned in sick at the last minute. Usually, there were three staff supervising the crèche and luckily, Justin was pretty well known by Sarah, the play leader, who had no problem with him being around the kids and was indeed extremely grateful to accept Justin’s offer to stay on and help out.
There was story telling, which led into a little alphabet learning in the morning and then lunch, each of the children eating the packed lunch provided by their parents with the crèche contributing juice and fresh fruit. Then, after lunch, there was usually some form of craft or art session, in which all the kids loved to participate.
One of Gus’ favorite pastimes was painting and the messier the better. The first time Gus asked him if he’d paint with him at the house, Justin had hesitated but then laughed at his own stupidity. After his initial reluctance, he decided that this was just a kid looking for something to amuse himself with and nothing to get emotional over, considering his detachment to his own art. And it had been wonderfully messy, but also, once Gus started to put brush to paper and if he could get the boy to concentrate, Justin was reminded that in actual fact, Gus was a pretty talented kid for his age. But then his mom was an artist, so it wasn’t surprising that Gus, too, had a natural talent. And he spent hours helping Gus with his painting or when he was coloring in, showing him how to try and keep his crayons and paint inside the lines.
So, this afternoon, when Gus asked if Justin could show all the kids how to paint, Justin was a little reluctant to agree, but with so many youngsters calling out their eagerness, in the end he could hardly refuse.
Luckily, the kids had all come to the crèche dressed for messy play, and it wasn’t long before the large table in the center of the room was covered in paper and pots of non-toxic water paints in an array of colors and Justin was suddenly in his element.
Justin had no idea how quickly the time had passed and when Daphne arrived, she stepped inside the room and halted to take in the scene. Ten children, all around Gus’ age or a little older, were at last all deep in quiet concentration. It hadn’t been like that all afternoon, as earlier, each of them had vied for personal attention from Justin. But after bringing them to order and promising to help everyone out in turn, they’d happily settled down. Sarah glanced up and seeing Daphne in the doorway, went to meet her.
“Isn’t it wonderful … they’ve been like this for ages,” Sarah whispered to Daphne as she went to join her and she grinned at her; the surprise at how quiet and orderly the play session seemed to be, clearly registering on Daphne’s face.
“Justin has them eating out of his hand … he’s been helping each one of them in turn … and they love him,” stated Sarah, much relieved at having Justin there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With parents starting to arrive to collect their offspring, Sarah and her colleague, Amy, started to tidy everything away for the day. Justin and Daphne had begun to get the kids cleaned up and sorted out which painting belonged to each of them; every one of the youngsters proudly going home with the results of their efforts. They’d had painting sessions before, of course, but not with someone who had such an artistic eye and who, it turned out, loved trying to explain things in the most simplest of terms in order for the kids to understand, but who clearly didn‘t patronize them.
“I think you’ve found your forte,” Sarah smiled at him, as Justin took Gus’ paint splattered tee off the boy and replaced it with a clean one and Justin grinned back at her. “I enjoyed it,“ he answered her and then Sarah frowned.
“You wouldn’t like a regular session here, would you … providing you have the time of course?” Sarah inquired after him now, more earnestly and Justin blinked with surprise.
“Are you serious?” he asked her and Sarah nodded. “Anyone who can keep the kids as enthralled and entertained as you have all afternoon …”
“And who can teach them something at the same time … definitely … so, what do you say?”
Justin looked at Daphne and then down at Gus, still with a spot of red paint on his chin they’d overlooked and Justin grinned. “I’d love to.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two days later, on his way back from picking up some groceries, Justin took a call on his cell phone. Carl was right, but it wasn’t the police who were now interested in Justin’s connection to ex-Police Chief Jim Stockwell.
The call informed Justin that federal agents were now involved in the case and would like to meet with him and the following morning, he made his way over to their offices on East Carson Street as requested.
The meeting was brief and neither man interviewing him would deny or confirm the newspaper story that there was now an investigation into Stockwell’s possible links with organized crime, but Justin knew well enough that the Bureau was unlikely to be involved otherwise. Neither would they admit to ever having spoken to Brian regarding his involvement with Stockwell during the mayoral campaign. Considering the attention it had attracted locally, Justin wasn‘t surprised that they were aware about the anti-Stockwell poster campaign he carried out. But he was a little surprised that there were aware of Brian’s role in that and in his subsequent dismissal from the Vangard Advertising Agency, so someone must have spoken to them about it.
And, of course, they knew from Carl’s records that Brian had acquired the DNA sample which confirmed that Kenneth Rikert, a serving police officer and ex-partner of Jim Stockwell, was guilty of the murder of Jason Kemp, aka ‘Dumpster Boy’.
But Justin himself, had very little he could tell them that they didn’t know already. Unlike Brian, he’d never really spent time in Stockwell’s company and had no idea what the man’s interests were, either business or personal.
Satisfied that Justin had no information that could assist them further, the Feds thanked him for coming, but asked him to get in contact with them if something come to mind and also to get in touch immediately should anything untoward happen. And, upon making his way back home, Justin did wonder whether that possibility was something he should actually be concerned about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the next few months, working two or three evening shifts at the diner a week and taking the children for the painting sessions at the GLC would suit Justin down to the ground, in fact the latter, especially, was heaven sent. With the diner and his involvement with Gus and the crèche, Justin suddenly felt he had something positive in his life. He particularly loved working with the kids and had a wonderful rapport with them, never talking down to them, but getting them to do things they loved, albeit messy, but still teaching them something at the same time. It all seemed to come so naturally to him and didn’t really require anything really intensive that he had to concentrate too hard on. Just as well, considering his concentration hadn’t been at its total best since Brian’s death.
Justin had still kept up the rent on his studio, but he never went there at all now, there just didn’t seem any point to it. However, at the back of his mind he knew he should really go over and decide what he was going to do with the work he’d completed, work still to be completed and the supplies and one or two possessions which remained there.
Justin realized that deep down, he was reluctant to go over and sort everything out as that would be the final admission that he’d totally given up on his art; the art he’d yearned and fought to do for so long, but now just couldn’t face and which perpetuated his confusion about his feelings for Brian.
The man had been such an influence in Justin’s eventual decision to explore his talent, but had also been responsible for Justin turning his back on it. And Justin still couldn’t reconcile his relationship with Brian because of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three months later:
“I hear you’re doing really well with the children at the GLC,” stated Jennifer, with obvious pride, as she put another sandwich on her plate. Justin smiled as he reached across the food-laden table to collect some sliced ham, which he then placed on his own plate. “I’m really loving it … and the kids seem to enjoy it,” he answered her and Jennifer nodded. “Well, Lindsay’s full of your praises …”
“The play leader told her that she thinks you have a natural way with you …” and then Jennifer hesitated and Justin caught it. “What?” he asked her, his eyes narrowing suspiciously and he picked up a glass of orange juice. Having chosen their meal, Jennifer and Justin moved away from the table and over to the far side of the garden to sit on one of the benches that had been placed there. It was a nice bright and warm sunny day for Gus’ sixth birthday party and everyone was able to make good use of the garden and enjoy the weather, and Justin waited for his mother to continue.
“Lindsay thinks you’d make a great teacher … and so do I,” stated Jennifer. “And I don’t just mean teaching kids for a couple of half-days a week.”
Justin shrugged. “I know the kids are far too young to really understand … but I do enjoying trying to pass on what I know … a couple of them seem to have real talent … I think Gus could be an artist one day.”
“Then have you thought about it as a possible full-time career? I hope you don’t settle for the diner.“
“I never had you down as a snob,” observed Justin at his mother’s insinuation and Jennifer scowled at him. “I’m not … and besides … if you said that’s what you really wanted to do, I know I couldn’t sway you otherwise,” stated Jennifer, knowing how hard her son could, in fact, dig his heels in over something.
“But no … it’s only temporary,” admitted Justin, though proving not quite as temporary as he might have thought in the beginning.
“Good,” answered Jennifer. “So … do you intend going back to your own art?” she asked him directly and Justin sighed and then shook his head. “No,” he answered her quietly and reaching out, Jennifer placed her hand on top of her son’s, sensing his confusion and lack of clarity.
“You’re still very young, Justin … young enough to decide on a whole new career … I know you … you must find the diner pretty boring … so why don’t you consider teaching … especially teaching art?” Jennifer asked him and Justin frowned.
“At least say you’ll think about it,” continued Jennifer and Justin nodded and then looking up, he groaned.
“Oh christ … there’s Michael and Ben.”
In the months since the reading of Brian’s will, thankfully, Justin and Michael’s paths still hadn’t crossed, despite Justin’s shifts at the diner, but of course Michael would be at Gus’ birthday party, though Justin hadn’t given it a second thought. Justin turned his attention to his meal, but he’d caught Debbie talking earnestly to Michael and then glance towards him and Jennifer. And although Michael had heard his mother, he and Ben headed directly for Gus to pass on their present to him. Ben had also wanted Michael to go and speak with Justin, but the man had refused.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carl had been appointed official photographer for the afternoon and put his digital camera, a Christmas present from Debbie, to good use and some of the most beautiful and poignant photographs taken that day would prove to be those of Gus with Justin.
During the afternoon, having been dispatched among the guests to say his thank you’s, Gus had automatically climbed up onto Justin’s lap and Justin had been forced to swallow hard, wishing the youngster’s father was there to join them.
Carl had spotted them right away and took photo after photo, knowing he could delete any not required, but somehow he didn’t think that would be necessary. And, of course, all the family would love them.
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Justin joined in the odd game with the kids, most of whom he knew from the GLC and he’d managed to avoid a face-to-face confrontation with Michael all afternoon. But later on and needing the bathroom, Justin had made his way upstairs and coming back down again a few minutes later, saw Michael standing in the doorway leading out to the garden: if he wanted to go back out there, he’d have to go past him. Justin sighed, but deciding it probably was best if they cleared the air, he went to stand beside him.
Realizing there was presence to one side of him, Michael moved away to give the person room to get by without looking to see who it was. But when Justin remained there and didn‘t move, Michael turned towards him.
“Oh, it’s you,” stated Michael and he crossed his arms in front of him. “Any more accusations you wanna toss my way?”
Justin sighed. “I’m not taking back what I said,” stated the younger man, but then he swallowed and glanced away before looking back.
“But I guess … I guess that … when you were kids … it was just as well Brian had you to go to … that you were his friend.”
“The only sucker who would put up with his shit you mean?” snorted Michael and Justin blinked at the harshness of the other man’s words.
“You think I don’t know Brian used me?” Michael continued. “Every time we went down to Babylon, he would pick up some hot guy and they’d head for the back room … then I got to drive him home ‘cos he was too drunk or too stoned … or too preoccupied to drive himself.”
“But he never fucked me … not even the once,” and Michael leaned back against the doorframe as he continued.
“You were right … he could have any guy he wanted … and he didn’t want me … at least not like that.“
“All those years … and I was just his emotional prop … there as a shoulder to cry on when he needed it … like when his dad died,” and Michael saw Justin frown in confusion, but then acceptance. Obviously, there were indeed times when Brian had been more than grateful to go to Michael and Justin had to accept that the two men had a shared history for years before he’d come on the scene and he nodded his reluctant acknowledgement.
“He knew how I felt, though he never said anything,” continued Michael. “He just kept me hanging around … and I admit … I enjoyed hanging around him … being seen with Brian … so maybe that means we used each other.“
“And the fact that he ignored me when it suited him didn’t matter … ‘cos I loved him,” stated Michael forcefully, and Justin blinked as Ben now approached them and moving away from the frame, Michael was pleased to feel his husband’s arm around his shoulders. Ben must have heard that last part, realized Justin; there was no way he couldn’t.
“It’s okay,” stated Michael, reading Justin’s mind. “Ben knows I used to have feelings for Brian.”
“That’s used to have,” Michael continued, stressing his words so that Justin understood.
“And yes … I did used to think that Brian and I might have made it together as a couple one day … though probably only when he was too old to go chasing after every man that breathed,” and now it was Michael‘s turn to sigh.
“But then you came along … and eventually wore down those barriers that made you different...”
“He always told you he loved you,” Justin pointed out to him and Michael nodded as he recalled Brian’s words. ‘I love you Michael … always have, always will’; a phrase Brian had repeated countless times.
“But it wasn’t the same kind of love he reserved for you … the kind of love I once wanted.”
“You’re the only one he ever loved in that way,” admitted Michael. “And yes, I was scared when Brian got cancer … I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him.”
“And I could?” asked Justin, a little angry at Michael’s insinuation, but Michael shook his head. “I didn’t mean it like that.“
“You’re stronger than me … you were there for him and he didn’t even know it … whereas I admit it … I couldn’t cope.”
“But I never meant for him to feel guilty for being ill … I wouldn’t intentionally have done that to him.”
And then Michael looked at Ben and smiled at him. “But it turned out Brian did me a favor by not being the man I wanted him to be … ‘cos in the end … I got the best man I could ever wish for.”
Justin sighed. Brian and Michael’s relationship had often seemed destructive to him; Michael hanging onto Brian’s every word and vying for his attentions and affection in the vain hope that one day he’d be his. And, on the other hand, Brian used Michael, indeed as emotional support while he found his sexual pleasures elsewhere and reluctant to acknowledge Justin when he came along, who was more than willing and able to offer the complete package.
But then Justin realized that probably, Brian hadn’t wanted to risk damaging that relationship with Michael. That he needed the man’s friendship which would undoubtedly be ruined when sex got in the way, as it inevitably often did.
Michael looked at Ben and then back at Justin and he couldn’t help feeling sorry for the younger man who, having thought that once Brian had acknowledged their relationship enough to want to declare it publicly by way of marriage, that they would be together forever, however ridiculously romantic that had once sounded. But then the worst imaginable had happened and Brian was gone, while he, Michael, still had Ben.
“Look Justin,” stated Michael. “After all’s said and done … Brian loved you … and he was prepared to stand up in front of the whole world and tell you … something that just months ago would have been totally unthinkable,” and both Michael and Ben could clearly see the pain in Justin’s eyes and the way he now jutted out his chin in an attempt to maintain control, while all the time he was shaking inside.
“Don’t be too hard on Brian,” pleaded Ben, earnestly and reaching out, he placed a hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “I know you feel let down … but Michael’s right … you’re the one he loved and the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.”
“Maybe,“ answered Justin and pulling away from Ben‘s touch. “But I guess now we’ll never know for sure how it would have turned out,” he continued, in an attempt to sound more in command of his emotions than he actually was. Turning away, Justin went to find his Mom and say his goodbyes to Lindsay and Gus, needing to get away and go home; feeling angry with himself at his show of disloyalty to Brian, and wondering why he’d chosen to voice those doubts about his and Brian‘s relationship. And in front of Michael, of all people.
To be continued.
With grateful thanks to both Lois and Judy and can I take this opportunity to wish everyone a wonderful holiday time and all the very best of everything in 2007. Julia