Chapter 3: By the time Justin left and Babylon had closed at 4:00 in the morning, there had been more than a fitting memorial to Brian. Though in the end, Justin had been willing to leave before he drank too much or his emotions got the better of him once again. Even so, he’d had a fair amount to drink and only just managed to recover his composure after breaking down on the dance floor. He felt emotionally drained and, in fact, grateful to be taken home. “I’ll keep him company,” stated Jennifer and she reached up to kiss Tucker goodnight. “Do you want me to stay with you?” the man asked her and she shook her head. “Thank you … but no … Molly will be back from Tammy’s in a few hours … I’d rather you were there for her,” and with her son safely tucked up in bed and asleep already, Jennifer made her own bed up on the sofa after Tucker left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nearly midday the following day and Justin still hadn’t risen although he had been awake for a short while between 9:00 and 9:30, but his mom had convinced him to try and get some more sleep if he could manage it. But then the gang arrived; albeit well intentioned, to show Justin their support and offer feedback from all those who’d said Brian’s memorial had been wonderful and nothing like they’d ever experienced before. Surprisingly, even Melanie had come along, but had really only accompanied Lindsay in order to keep the peace between them, though they had left the children with a sitter. The murmuring of voices from the living room woke Justin, whose head was now pounding; the aftermath of the tension which had been building up to last night’s event and slowly, he put on his robe and padded down the steps to investigate. Although he’d slept, he still felt emotionally and physically exhausted from all the arrangements and discussions before the memorial and with it over, it seemed he’d come down like a ton of rocks. “Honey … you don’t have to have visitors if you don’t want to,” stated his mom, concerned that Justin would be overwhelmed by everyone descending on him, but Ted was especially anxious to finally get to talk to him. “There is a little matter of Brian’s will,” the man pointed out and Justin closed his eyes and groaned. Ted had mentioned it to him before, but Justin had wanted to put off finding out whatever it had to tell him until after the memorial. He still hadn’t gotten over Brian omitting him as his next of kin and half-dreaded what the will itself might contain. “Does this have to happen now?” Jennifer asked Ted and the man shrugged. “Brian had two businesses … successful business … that employ a number of people … there needs to be a decision about their long-term future …” “And there are his personal bequests.” Justin rubbed his forehead and sighed, resigned to the fact he couldn‘t really put this off any longer and he ran his fingers through his hair. “Let me grab a shower and then we’ll talk.” “I guess we should all go,” stated Michael, but Ted put a hand on his shoulder. “Actually, I think practically everyone is mentioned … one way or another,” he stated, rather mysteriously and while Jennifer and Debbie made the coffee, the rest of the gang waited and chatted together as Justin went to take a shower and, hopefully, clear his head for what was to come. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Advil and two strong, black coffee’s later and Justin felt just about fit to talk with Ted about what he was so concerned about, although he had an idea the headache would be reluctant to go away entirely. Ted had already said how Brian had made him executor of his will and the man was anxious to fulfill his obligations and they took their seats on the large corner sofa, with Ted perched at one end and Michael and Ben standing behind them. “Now … you all know Brian made Cyn and me co-CEO’s of Kinnetik,” stated Ted and the gang applauded. “No more than the both of you deserve,” stated Debbie and Justin agreed. “Thanks for keeping the ship afloat, Ted,” but Ted, rather embarrassed by all the attention, waved their congratulations away. “No more than Brian would have expected … but I have to admit … I was pleasantly surprised … we both were.” “But when I went through his will … Brian had made an arrangement for Gus … which I’ll get to shortly.” “Now … to the matter in hand,” and Ted opened the attaché case he’d brought with him and took out the papers. “Isn’t this sort of thing normally done by an attorney?” asked Lindsay, who looked at her partner, but Mel shrugged. “Seems like Brian trusted Ted … I can’t see any reason why an attorney would be needed … unless there’s anything contentious … is there Ted?” Ted coughed and then looked at Justin sitting at the opposite end of the seating. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go through at least part of this in private?” he asked him, but Justin shook his head. “I’m sure everyone will get to know anyhow … we might as well all hear it together.” “Okay,” conceded Ted and he took a deep breath. As executor, he had already skimmed through the will and subsequently, expected the next few minutes to prove to be very interesting. “I, Brian Kinney … on the …” “Ted … it’s okay … we don’t have to worry about that part,” sighed Justin, desperate to get this over with. And also relieved to be getting to the detail of the will, Ted glossed over the usual formalities. “To Justin Taylor …” Justin’s stomach lurched and he looked down at his hands as everyone automatically glanced at him. He felt his heart begin to pound and a lump in his throat which he fought down, desperate not to get emotional again. Ted saw Justin’s discomfort, and hesitated for a moment, but he knew it was best just to get on with it and get it over with. “To Justin Taylor … the house in West Virginia, lands and all contents therein … together with the loft residence and contents on Tremont.” “Also, the ownership of the club, Babylon … the contents of my personal checking account and safety deposit box and a regular income to be paid from the business known as Kinnetik … and all my personal belongings,” and Ted looked at Justin. “We‘ll talk about actual figures later,” he smiled weakly at him, knowing full well the group didn‘t have to know exactly how much Justin would now be worth, but the younger man could barely take this in, realizing of course that he would have quite substantial means behind him. Surprisingly, it had never actually occurred to Justin that he would be the main beneficiary of Brian’s will. It wasn’t anything they’d talked about and certainly wasn’t anything Justin thought he’d be hearing any time soon. Ted quickly read the next paragraph to refresh his memory and he smiled as he looked up at Debbie. “For Debbie and Michael Novotny,” and presumably by definition, Ben too, thought Ted as mother and son looked at each other in confusion. “Why the hell would Brian leave anything to me?” asked Debbie, turning back to Ted. “I can understand Michael …” and Debbie stopped as Ted held up his hand in order to enable him to continue with the bequests and get through this as quickly as possible. Have Debbie go off at a tangent and they’d be there the rest of the afternoon. “A second HIV and AIDS Hospice to be set up within the city of Pittsburgh … Novotny House …” “Sonnova bitch,“ murmured Debbie and she shook her head in astonishment and felt tears sting her eyes and she reached behind to join hands with her son and HIV positive son-in-law. Brian never failed to amaze her and she hoped now that any upset and disagreement between her and Brian that had followed her brother, Vic’s death, was long forgotten. Debbie was contemplating retiring from the Liberty Diner, but dreaded not having anything to do. She‘d tried it once and hated all the spare time she had on her hands. But a project like setting up a new hospice was something she‘d throw herself into wholeheartedly. It was desperately needed and who knows, one day, Ben might require the specialist help a place like that could offer. “As long as I live … I don’t think I’ll ever understand Brian Kinney,” stated Debbie quietly and smiling and then dropping hands with Michael, she stretched across Jennifer and patted Justin’s knee and the young man tried his best to smile back at her. “Emmett Honeycutt …” “Oh my god,” stated Em, in total surprise that Brian, of all people, would remember him in his will and Ted looked up and grinned at him. “Emmett is to have office space at Kinnetik from which to run his party planning business, and use of the art department when necessary, as long as it doesn‘t interfere with Kinnetik‘s commitments. In addition, it’s expected that Emmett would cater presentations and product launches for select clients.” Debbie chuckled. “That sounds about right … business comes first.” “I don’t care,” stated Em, beaming. “For Brian to even think of doing anything for me is amazing … and office space is just what I need to get myself organized …” and Emmett’s voice trailed off as he was overcome with emotion. Justin swallowed. He was already finding everything too overwhelming and his head was beginning to pound again as well as starting to spin at the finality of what was being discussed and he wished his damn headache would go at least. All of Brian’s interests and belongings, even down to the square footage, were being distributed, divided up and given out. To the victor goes the spoils thought Justin and he couldn’t stand to think that everything that Brian had worked so hard for all his life was being shared out, even if it was amongst family and friends. It felt like the vultures were circling and slowly, Justin began to feel his anger rise within him as he waited for Ted to continue. “Gus Peterson,” Ted swallowed as he felt the emotion rise inside and indeed all the gang, barring possibly one exception, couldn’t help but feel their hearts go out to Brian’s son who would now not get to know the man who was his father. “Gus is to inherit a third share of Kinnetik on his 25th birthday,” stated Ted and he looked up and smiled. “I hope to still be around then.” Justin bit his lip and fought to keep his emotions in check as he thought how wonderful it would be if Gus decided to go into the same line of business and take over the reins at Kinnetik one day. Surely with Lindsay’s artistic nature and Brian’s flair and grit, he would make a wonderful CEO of the company. Ted sniffed and then took a deep breath, having previously read the will, albeit hurriedly, he wasn’t really surprised why Brian chose to place this next item last on the list, and he waited for the shit to hit the fan. “Lindsay Peterson and Gus Peterson … in addition to Gus’ inheritance at 25 … a college fund has also been set up for him … and an amount will be provided in order for Ms. Peterson to purchase a house in which to live with my son … and a regular income will be provided from the businesses known as Kinnetik and Bab …” “Whoah,” demanded Melanie as she interrupted Ted and she got up from the sofa in her obvious annoyance. “What bullshit is this … money for Lindsay to buy her own house … with Gus … away from me and Jenny Rebecca?” and she took a step towards a horrified Ted, seemingly blaming the man for Brian’s actions. “I’m sure Brian didn’t mean anything by it,” offered Lindsay, trying to calm her partner down and Justin closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead and hoped the girls weren‘t about to start an argument. The last thing he needed was two dykes beginning a cat fight in his living room, but he could see why Melanie might think Brian was working deliberately against her. “No?” asked Melanie. “Though isn’t it just as well Brian has provided for his son … considering …” “We said we wouldn’t bring that up yet,” cut in Lindsay quickly. “Bring what up?” asked Debbie, curious to know what was actually happening between the two women and then Michael realized. “The insurance policy …” “Yes, the insurance policy,” echoed Melanie harshly and at her partner’s words, Lindsay closed her eyes; she hadn‘t really wanted this to be aired in public. “What insurance policy?” asked Emmett, innocently and before anyone else could say anything. “After Gus was born, they made Brian take out an insurance policy … in case anything happened to him … it would pay out one million dollars,“ stated Justin, flatly. “A million dollars? Jesus,” frowned Debbie in surprise and Mel nodded. “An insurance policy that’s now fucking worthless … seeing as how Brian died by his own hand …” “Mel,” chided Lindsay, in an attempt to quieten her partner. “I really don’t think this is the time or place …” “Then when is it?” demanded Melanie. “When you’ve got your own house and after you and Gus move in?” “And when was this supposed to happen? Before or after we move to Toronto?” “This is so fucking typical of Brian … he’s dead … and still causing trouble …” “Will you shut the fuck up!” demanded Justin and the group collectively jumped at this sudden outburst and watched as the young man got to his feet as the anger he was feeling bubbled ever closer to the surface. “Yes … you’re right … Brian is dead … and instead of being on my honeymoon … I’m giving memorial services and listening to you bitching about him … instead of being grateful …” “Grateful?” spat Melanie. “I’m supposed to be grateful?” “As you already stated, he made provision for his son,” Justin pointed out to her. “He made provision for everyone … even after the way he was treated …” “What do you mean …. even after the way he was treated?” asked Michael, confused as to what Justin was alluding to. “Justin …” Jennifer, concerned at how upset Justin was becoming and frightened he was going to say something he would later regret, reached out and took his elbow, but he pulled away from her. “He always came through for his friends … his family …” “Maybe not always right away … but he always ended up doing the right thing by everyone …” “And yet you treated him like shit.” “Now … wait a minute, Sunshine,” ordered Debbie. “Exactly what are you accusing us of … I assume you’re including me in this?” Justin took a deep breath and looked down at the floor, his hands now on his hips and his heart banging in his chest. “Well?” the woman continued and the whole room held their collective breath. Justin slowly nodded as his anger finally boiled over. So much anger; anger at Brian’s death, anger at the man leaving him and putting him in this situation and anger at the knowledge of just how badly so many people treated him. “Okay … seeing as how you asked,” and Justin took a deep breath and looked Debbie in the eye. “You say you loved Brian … and I believe you think you did … as long as he didn’t hurt your precious little Michael … and never mind that you …” and Justin turned his attention to Brian’s best friend. “ … did your damndest to keep Brian at 14 …” “Pining over him … never leaving him alone … making him dependent on you …” “You kept him tied to your apron strings …” “Now wait a minute …” stated Michael but Justin wasn’t about to be interrupted and in any case, Ben put his hand on Michael‘s arm in a silent restraint. He could see Justin had a lot to get off his chest and considering what the younger man had been through, it wasn‘t surprising his emotions were running high about now. Best to let him say whatever he needed to and pick up the pieces later. “You knew how grateful he was … to both of you,” continued Justin to Michael and Debbie. “ … Brian knowing he could always come to you when his Dad kicked off … but you just wouldn’t let him grow up.” “And you …” and Justin turned directly to Debbie. “Just because he stated a fact … blindingly obvious … about Vic … you react …” “Something that said more about your own guilt over falling out with your brother and not making up with him before he died …” “And what did you do? You hit him … knowing all the times Brian’s Dad laid into him and then YOU slap him in the face …” “Someone as a kid he’d always felt safe with … how do you think that made him feel?” Debbie blinked and then swallowed. She’d never even considered that and for one of the few occasions in her life, she was speechless. “I should have left with him that night … I know that now … instead of letting him walk away alone,” and Justin genuinely felt guilty about allowing Brian to walk out into the night by himself instead of going with him and taking his side, the man rubbing his reddened cheek and suddenly transported back to 12 years old and getting on the wrong side of his father. “And it was always all about you … wasn’t it, Michael?” “Poor Mikey … Brian gets cancer … and you’re more concerned at how you’d feel should anything happen to him … make the guy actually feel guilty for getting sick …” “What the fuck made you think Brian would ever have the makings of chicken soup in his refrigerator?” “What the hell has chicken soup got to do with any of this?” asked Debbie, finding her voice but still totally confused. But it was noticeable how quiet everyone else had fallen during Justin’s tirade, especially Michael, shocked in the realization as to how much Brian and Justin apparently talked to each other. While most of those present understood perfectly, there were one or two who found it hard to make sense of what Justin was saying. True, his mind was working at 90 miles a minute and not everything was coming out necessarily in the right order. But it was all crystal clear to him and in actual fact, the episode with the chicken soup clearly demonstrated the difference between Michael and Justin’s love for Brian. When Brian had become ill, the last thing he wanted was for everyone to know and to start treating him differently, especially if they thought he might die. Justin had discovered accidentally and tried to care for him surreptitiously. But in keeping his word about not letting on that he knew, when Brian found out, he was furious. But more than that, he used it as an excuse to tell Justin he didn’t want him in his life any more. Deep down, Brian had always feared that Justin would find someone younger and more able to give him what he needed and to be the one to tell him to go was far preferable than to have Justin just up and leave. It put him, Brian, in control. Michael, on the other hand, had broken down and cried like a baby in front of him, saying to Brian what would he do without him and making Brian feel guilty for being ill, just like Justin said. Michael’s attempt at looking after Brian involved turning up at the loft with the intention of making chicken soup and expecting Brian to have all the ingredients there, which in itself is laughable. When did Brian ever have the makings from scratch of any soup, or any meal come to that, sitting in his refrigerator or his cupboards? Bottled water, coffee, beer and poppers were the mainstay of Brian’s kitchen at around that time. But when Justin turned up at the loft, despite the man’s protestations and telling Brian that his being ill would make no difference to how he felt about him, he had the ingredients for chicken soup with him and helped nurse him back to health. Michael may have known Brian since they were both 14, but it was Justin who saw through the bullshit and understood the man beneath. Although at the start, some of the group had opened their mouths with the intention to interrupt and comment, they’d soon fallen silent and now looked at each other, though several of them were having difficulty biting their tongues. But it had crossed one or two minds whether all this outpouring of criticism and anger that had obviously been bottled up inside of Justin was due to something else. But then came Melanie and Lindsay’s turn, for they were certainly not about to be left out. “Maybe you did have every right to be jealous of Brian,“ Justin told Melanie. “But you could never get passed the fact that he and Lindsay had slept together when they were kids in college and that Brian sired your son,” and both women now opened their mouths to speak, but thought better of it. Justin in full flow was a sight to behold and he obviously had something to say and both of them were, in actual fact, curious enough to hear it and then he turned directly on Lindsay. “I’m surprised you didn’t ask Brian to fuck you again … and then after Gus was born you had the man wrapped around your little finger,” “How could he not do whatever you wanted him to … the mother of his son?” “You would rather turn down his offer of tickets to Miami … telling him to fuck as many guys as he could … than have him change … mature and finally grow up …” “And you,” stated Justin, turning back to Melanie. “Hated the fact that Brian had more rights to Gus than you did … even though it’s the system that’s at fault … not Brian …” “But then he ended up signing over his rights to Gus … thinking the kid would be better off with the both of you.“ “Do you have any idea how much that actually cost him?” “Brian said he didn’t want any involvement with Gus,” Melanie managed to get in, but Justin shook his head. “You didn’t …” and finally, Justin stopped and drew a breath as he heard what he said. “You didn’t know him at all, did you?” stated Justin, the young man’s heart being torn apart again as he realized he’d been speaking of Brian in the past tense and it sounded too automatic, even though he thought he’d never get used to it and he looked at Lindsay. “You knew him from college … are you really telling me you weren’t aware what sort of childhood he had? And that Brian at first said he didn’t want anything to do with Gus because he thought he’d be such a crap Dad himself?” asked Justin of the woman. Lindsay blinked and looked suitably uncomfortable. But then the truth often makes people feel that way. “But he loved Gus … and it scared him to hell that you would take his son away from him and he wouldn’t be able to do a fucking thing about it,” continued Justin. “And then you went and did it when you announced you were moving to Toronto and Michael convinced him to let you go without a fight …” “But he should have fought for his rights to Gus … after all, his name is on the birth certificate … that must mean something.” “He did so much for everyone … nearly bankrupted himself over Stockwell … saved Teddy’s ass …” Ted went to speak about how grateful he was to Brian for everything the man had done for him and how in those last months, he‘d regarded him as a true friend, but Emmett caught his eye and shook his head slightly and Ted swallowed and kept quiet. These accusations from Justin weren’t being specifically aimed at either of them and in actual fact, both men knew how much Brian had valued Ted’s friendship and expertise in the final months of his life and Justin knew it too. “So … what was it … jealousy?” asked Justin and directing his question to the whole group. “That here was this hotshot ad exec … the hottest guy any of you would ever know … who went on to become one of the most successful gay businessmen in Pittsburgh … and he could have anyone he wanted and usually did … but he certainly didn’t want any of you … but that really didn’t matter … ‘cos he was so crap at relationships anyhow …” “And you took such enormous pleasure in that, didn’t you? …“ “It meant he wasn’t quite so perfect after all … and it made you feel so smug about yourselves and your pathetic little lives …” Justin’s voice had grown louder and risen a pitch or two in his anger, but now he felt a tremendous tiredness start to wash over him. And with his head spinning, he practically fell back on the sofa and he put his head in his hands and tried to catch his breath back. The room had fallen silent again and then Emmett slowly stood up. “I think …” “Yes,” joined in Ted. “I think we’ll just leave … I have an appointment …” and the man coughed and looked at his watch. “Oh god … is that the time?” “I better go,” and both men tried to smile at Jennifer who started to get up, but was waved back down. “We’ll see ourselves out,” and Ted and Emmett made a very hasty exit and Ted not bothering at this moment, to try and talk to Justin about how much exactly the young man was worth, or other items he wanted to go over with him. “I think we’ll be going too,“ offered Lindsay and she shot a look at Melanie, who had decided that having a huge argument with an obviously grieving Justin wasn’t exactly good form right now, despite how she was feeling and silently, the two women headed for the door. Debbie sniffed and pulling her woolen jacket around her shoulders, got up off the sofa and was followed by Michael and Ben, Michael totally lost for words, but anxious too, to get away. “We’ll see ourselves out,” stated Debbie and Jennifer smiled vaguely as without another word, all the gang had now left. “Justin …” and Jennifer heard a quiet sob. “I know … I’m sorry,” came the muffled words from behind the young man’s hands, and his Mom put her arm around his shoulders. “It probably needed saying … in fact …” “I think Brian would be so proud of you … though I hadn‘t realized half of what you said … no wonder you were angry …” but Jennifer stopped as she heard and felt Justin dissolve into tears. “Justin … what’s wrong?” “If you’re worried about what you said …” Trying to regain control, Justin turned to look at her and he swallowed. “I probably shouldn’t have said it … but I’m not just angry at them,“ and he took a breath as the tears flowed down his face and the sob caught in his throat. “I didn’t want to feel like this,” cried Justin and his shoulders shook in anguish. “Like what?” asked Jennifer, gently stroking his hair and she could see just how much pain Justin was in and her heart went out to her son for the thousandth time since Brian‘s death. “Angry … at Brian … and angry at myself,” replied Justin and Jennifer sighed, she had an idea something like this had been going on in Justin‘s head and hoped that her son’s outburst would get everything he’d been feeling out in the open and a huge weight lifted from him. But the truth was, at this very moment, all Justin felt was exhausted; too exhausted to display the anger that even now was still held within him. “Mom … I’m so angry that Brian took those tablets … that he died a totally needless death and left me to deal with all of this.” “I don’t need a mansion in the country … or a dance club.” “Right now, I’m supposed to be married and on my honeymoon with Brian … thinking about spending the next 40 years together … and maybe even having a family of our own one day …” “Not going through his clothes and his belongings … or listening to his will being read out and hearing people bitch about him.” “And I feel so guilty and angry with myself that I feel that way about him … I know he didn‘t wanna die.” “But why did he have to pick up that guy … and why did he have to take those fucking tablets?” and even though he would probably deny it, a part of Justin would always ask why he wasn’t enough for Brian. If the man hadn’t picked up that trick, he’d still be alive. “I don’t want his money … I want Brian.” “I miss him so much,” sobbed Justin and everything that had been building up leading to the memorial and the will reading now came literally pouring out as Jennifer took her heartbroken son in her arms and let him, hopefully, cry it all out, once and for all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I just don’t know what to do with him … or for him,” sighed Jennifer, as she opened the door to Daphne. Luckily, Justin was in the bathroom when Daphne called round, allowing his Mom to relay to her, Justin’s outburst of the previous day. “I wondered if something had been building up,” stated Daphne and she dropped her school bag on the floor. She’d called earlier and Jennifer had been grateful of her offer to come over after classes. “He’s angry …” Jennifer stopped abruptly as she heard the bathroom door slide open and both women looked up at him. Justin came to a halt at the top of the steps. It was obvious they were talking about him, but then that wasn’t surprising. “Hi,” smiled Daphne and crossing the floor and mounting the steps to the bedroom, she gave her friend a hug. “Did mom call for reinforcements?” Justin asked her when he pulled back and looking over, he saw Jennifer bite her lip. Justin managed a slight smile at her and mentally reprimanded himself for such a remark. He knew how difficult this must be for her, not to mention all the money she was losing through having to let work slip. But she’d insisted in staying over again last night and to be fair, he’d been grateful to have her there. Justin had no idea how long he’d cried and it hadn’t even really helped as he’d still held on to those feelings of anger and guilt, all mixed up with the grief, that just wouldn’t go away. And for the rest of the day and evening, he’d dozed on the sofa before finally hauling himself into bed and sleeping in again this morning. All he seemed to want to do at the moment was sleep, presumably, the body taking care of itself the best way it knew how. But even so, he still felt exhausted, totally spent and now aimless once more and it had even crossed his mind how wonderful it might be to go to sleep and actually never wake up again. At least that way, he wouldn’t have to face another day without Brian. As it was, it had taken him what seemed like hours to shower and dress and now leaving Daphne standing in the bedroom, Justin dismounted the steps and crossed the floor towards his mother. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and smiling at him, his mom held out her arms to take him in a hug. Pulling back, Justin sighed. “I’m sure you’ve got work you need to be doing … you’ve been spending far too much time baby-sitting me … and I’m okay … really … I am.” “If there is anything you need to do, I can stay with Justin … if he wants company,” stated Daphne, coming down the steps and Jennifer frowned. In all honesty, as much as she was concerned for him, Jennifer knew that she and Justin could probably do with a break from each other and Justin was right. Though she had been able to make one or two calls quietly from the loft as Justin slept, she was definitely losing customers right now, not that she’d ever put her work before her son of course. But she did also have a daughter to support and Justin would very soon have to start to cope on his own, otherwise he could get too dependent on her. “If you’re sure?” “I’m sure,” smiled Justin and agreeing to leave her son in Daphne’s care, Jennifer gathered up her belongings. “I‘ll pick up some groceries,” stated Jennifer and then she kissed her son and left and Justin heaved a sigh of relief. “Don’t get me wrong … I don’t know what I would have done without her … but I think it will be good if she went back to work more … I think we need a break from each other,” and Justin ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sure she needs a break from me.” “What about you? Have you given any thought about what you‘re going to do?” asked Daphne, taking a seat on the sofa and she saw Justin frown as he went over to the refrigerator and took out two bottles of water. “I’m not sure … I really can’t think about going back to college just yet … if that‘s what you‘re asking,” and absentmindedly, Justin went over to the windows and looked out into the street below. “Your mom said you had a quite few things to say yesterday,” observed Daphne. “Did she tell you?” asked Justin and Daphne nodded. “I got the idea.” Justin sighed, but didn‘t look back at her. “I’m not sure what happened … it all kinda … spilled out.” “Jennifer started to say you were angry … do you want to talk it through?” asked his friend and Justin rubbed his forehead with the bottle, enjoying the coolness. He still felt a little foggy and confused, so maybe talking more and trying to get his thoughts into some sort of logical order might help. Though his mum had been with him so much just lately, openly discussing how he felt about Brian still felt a little difficult at times and threatened to prove too emotionally depleting . “You’ll probably think I’m a bastard,” sighed Justin and moving away from the windows, he retreated to the sofa, where he sank down into the cushions and finally opened up his bottle of water and took a swallow. “I would think no such thing,” his friend assured him. “But why don’t you tell me how you’re feeling … it might just help.” Justin nodded, knowing he could always tell Daphne anything, but where to start and he sighed again. It could only start with Brian. “I tried not to … but I could just feel myself getting more and more angry … with Brian,” confessed Justin and Daphne’s heart went out to her friend and knowing just how awful he must have felt, carrying around those feelings about Brian. “I just couldn’t believe that he would be so fucking stupid,” stated Justin. “He’d said so many times about never doing drugs with strangers … that only your friends would watch out for you … and then he does this,” and Justin spread his arms in frustration at Brian’s actions. “I was so angry with him that he did that … I guess I feel let down … that … that he’s gone … that we’ll never have a life together … after everything we went through.“ “You feel abandoned,“ stated Daphne, knowingly and Justin closed his eyes and nodded. “He left me to face things and deal with things I never thought I’d have to deal with … at least not yet.” “And then I feel guilty and angry with myself that I think so badly about him … I know he wouldn’t deliberately set out to hurt me … not now … and he probably never did.“ “It was just his way of dealing with things.“ Justin looked at Daphne and fought to keep the tears at bay. “Brian was everything I ever wanted … I couldn’t believe it when he finally told me he loved me.“ “I guess I always knew he did … in his own way … but to finally hear him say the words,” and Justin sighed. “I’ll never forget it,” he continued, wistfully. “And then he actually asked me to marry him.” “I knew how difficult it was for him to tell me how he felt and open himself up … the shitty childhood he had, no wonder he thought he wasn’t capable of any kind of sustainable relationship.” “But something on the night of the bombing must just have clicked and suddenly he knew what he wanted … what he was capable of,” and Justin sniffed and swallowed. “He wanted me … and then he wanted us to get married … and he knew I didn’t take him seriously at first … but then he bought the house and told me he was prepared to take a chance on love.” “Everything I’d ever dreamed of, Brian was offering me … but more than that … he was giving himself and I think I fell in love with him all over again.” “Everything we’d gone through in the last five years … good and bad … had brought us to that point.” “At last I knew where I stood with him … and where I wanted to be for the next 40 years.” And Justin took a deep breath as he tried to retain his composure and mused about the man who’d gone and left him to think about what might have been. “To the outside world, Brian always seemed so confident and self-assured … but I knew that was mostly a façade … that he was just as vulnerable as the rest of us … and probably even more, ” continued Justin. “I used to think he’d never give us a chance … that he was always scared that I’d be this successful artist and leave him behind … but I don’t see that would ever be a problem.” “I had the chance to move away when I went to Hollywood … but when Rage didn’t get made, I didn’t hang around … I came back.” “Even though I’d loved being a part of it … I came back … I was always going to come back … though sometimes … I got the distinct impression that Brian wasn‘t expecting me to,” observed Justin. “Brian’s a …. was a successful businessman … he was totally dedicated and worked long hours and I’m sure Kinnetik would have expanded and grown who knows how big.” “He could have ended up opening offices in NYC or Chicago … L.A. or wherever the fuck he wanted … and that would have meant him being away for long periods or maybe even wanting to relocate altogether.” “And who’s to say there wouldn’t have been a whole string of Babylon’s one day …” “Whatever happened … we would have worked it out … given each other enough space to do what we needed to do and still be there for each other … as a couple.” “When I think about it … that’s what we always did …” “We didn’t need to live in each other’s pockets … we weren’t joined at the hip.” “We were never like that and I honestly don’t think it would have made any difference …” “Because at last I knew for sure he loved me … and that he’d accepted that I loved him.” But then Justin sighed deeply. All this was circumstantial now and would never be an issue. “But instead of thinking about the future with Brian … I had to sit and hear everything he’d ever worked for being given away … and then listen to people still bitch about him.” “Well, actually … it was really just Mel.” “Christ … she had a go at the hospital and then again here … all because Brian left Lindsay some money to buy her own house …” “Lindsay’s getting her own house! Christ … I’m not surprised Mel was pissed,” spluttered Daphne through a mouthful of water and Justin couldn’t help smiling. “Brian always did know how to rub Mel up the wrong way,” and he sighed. “Unfortunately, I let everyone know exactly what I thought about how Brian was treated …“ “When all the time it was Brian and myself who I was really angry with,” admitted Justin. “I know you think his friends didn’t always treat Brian right … but he wouldn’t have hung around with them if he didn’t like them,” shrugged Daphne and Justin leaned his head back on the sofa and let out a groan. Brian had always given the impression that he never really did anything he didn’t want to, so he must have liked hanging out with the gang. Truthfully, he’d come to enjoy, or rather probably got used to, playing the role he’d assumed and spent years perfecting. That of the seemingly cold-hearted sonnova bitch; the dominant alpha male who did what he pleased, had who he wanted and just about got away with everything, with no apologies and no regrets. When all the time, that hard exterior merely masked the insecurities underneath. But the gang had either been either unable or unwilling to see beneath the veneer to the unbelievably vulnerable man that was Brian Kinney. Justin closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Whatever his feelings, the gang had been the only family Brian ever really had to call his own and in the main had shown him, Justin, how loyal they could be towards each other at a push. After all, Debbie had taken Justin in and given him a home when living with his parents was no longer an option and Brian hadn’t wanted to know him and the girls’, likewise, had also come to his rescue. The main problem had only ever really been Melanie and her barely concealed contempt for Brian. In the end, Michael had to accept he would never have a relationship with Brian beyond friendship and in truth had become a friend to Justin too. And simply, Brian would never have made the bequests he did, if those people hadn’t meant anything to him and Justin groaned again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “When are you going to visit Brian’s grave?” asked Daphne as she helped herself to a portion of fried chicken and rice. True to her word, Jennifer had done some grocery shopping and had returned to the loft where she’d filled up the fridge, freezer and cupboards before going home and Justin had then helped Daphne cook dinner. Daphne looked at her friend and saw him blink. She‘d been wanting to ask for ages and had only just plucked up the courage to. “I … I haven‘t thought about it,” answered Justin, truthfully and he looked at the meal on his plate and wondered if he really had the stomach for it. “Don’t you think you should? I mean … after not being able to see Brian at the hospital, don’t you think it might help give you some closure?” “To know without a doubt that he’s really gone?” asked Justin and he put down his fork. Justin frowned. He really wasn’t sure if he was up to visiting the cemetery and Brian’s grave and to know that was where Brian would now rest. It was actually the last thing he wanted to do right now, and deep down, Justin was still struggling to accept, finally and irrefutably, that his relationship with Brian was over forever this time. But Daphne was right, visiting the grave would probably give him closure and acceptance and he sighed. “I’ll go soon,” Justin informed Daphne and now trying to find his appetite, he forked up some rice and forced it down. He’d hardly eaten at all in recent days, but still had very little appetite. “I’ll take you … if you want,” stated Daphne and Justin managed a smile in thanks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Ted … I’m sorry … none of that was directed at you,” stated Justin, apologetically, as he opened up the door to the loft. It was a couple of days after Justin’s outburst and Ted had telephoned to say he was sorry to bother him again, but there was still one or two things that needed going over. The man had been a little nervous about contacting Justin so soon, but he obviously took his duties as the executor of Brian’s will very seriously. “Please … don’t worry … I understand how difficult a time this is for you … for everyone,” and at Justin’s invitation, Ted headed for the sofa and accepted the offer of coffee. “I mean, I still can’t believe it myself … and I’ll miss him too,” confessed Ted, who had blossomed with being given trust under Brian’s guidance and he coughed and paused before he was able to continue, a little embarrassed at his display of emotion, Brian‘s overdose just that little too close to home. “There’s still one or two things I need to talk to you about … and if I can help with any financial advice …” “Thanks, Ted … I’d appreciate it.” “And I’ve been thinking … I really don’t want to keep the house … Brian bought it for us to live in once we were married … there’s no way I could live there without him … and I don‘t want to make any money from it either,” stated Justin and the younger man took a sip of his coffee. “I understand that,” replied Ted. “But … it is a good investment … and I wouldn’t be too hasty to sell … Brian obviously wanted you to be financially secure …” Justin closed his eyes and sighed, as the last thing he wanted was to profit from Brian’s death. Seeing how uncomfortable Justin appeared to be talking about the subject, Ted’s accountancy brain kicked in. “Look … how about you sign the property over to Kinnetik … that way the company retains it as an asset.“ “It would make a terrific place to host out of town clients … and …” Ted grinned as another wonderful idea came to mind. “It would also make a great place to make our ads … we always have to rent studio space or find the right premises … but the house … with its own pool and tennis court … its tailor-made … and I‘m sure there must be a tax angle …” “Don’t forget the stables,” added Justin, managing a slight smile, but he could see the sense in Kinnetik retaining the place for its own use and would be more than happy to sign over the ownership of the property. “What about the loft, Ted?” asked Justin and Ted frowned. “Well …it’s yours Justin … why do you ask?” But the thought had occurred to Justin that maybe he shouldn’t continue living at the loft, after all, it had belonged solely to Brian and in actual fact, Justin wasn‘t sure he even wanted to continue living here on his own. “I just wanted to make sure,” was Justin’s non-committal reply. For the next hour, Ted went over the figures for both Kinnetik and Babylon, and Justin struggled to take it all in, though not because he was unable to. In truth, he didn‘t really want to. Too often had he felt guilty that he was living off Brian and even with the man‘s death, that apparently hadn‘t changed. Admittedly, Brian had stretched himself when he’d bought Babylon, but having reclaimed its rightful place as the hottest gay dance club in town, it was now making more than just a healthy profit. Ironically, the insurance payout after the bombing had meant the place could be improved to the highest spec. But the victims hadn’t been forgotten and following the tragedy, several fund-raising events had been held with Babylon, of course, making a large contribution. Justin would have a good income from both businesses, which were now very sound concerns and of course he would live rent-free in the loft, with only the building expenses to be found. But he did ask Ted if he would oversee the running of the club. There was already a manager for the place, but on a day to day basis, Ted agreed that it would make sense for him to take Babylon under his wing too. “You did remember to cancel the order for the Jag?” asked Justin and the older man nodded. “When I explained … they understood,” stated Ted and then he suddenly remembered something else. “Oh … I nearly forgot,” and he reached into his jacket pocket and brought out a key. “It was in the safe at work … a note inside the envelope said that it’s to Brian’s safety deposit box.” Slowly, Justin reached out and took the key from him and he frowned. “Do you have any idea what’s in it?” asked Justin, but Ted shook his head. “I didn’t know Brian had a safety deposit box,” was the reply and Justin shrugged. “Neither did I,” and he dropped the key down onto the coffee table. Something else he would have to deal with, but not right now. He just couldn’t face whatever was in there just yet. Ted looked as if he was about to say something more but then paused and looked down at his coffee cup and Justin caught the man’s hesitation. “What is it Ted?” Justin asked him and Ted looked back up at him. “I’ve been going through Brian’s personal finances … I was his accountant …” “That’s okay, Ted … Brian trusted you … that’s good enough for me,” confirmed Justin and Ted smiled at him. “It’s just that I thought you’d like to know … the day before he died … Brian made a rather large contribution,” Ted continued. “What do you mean … who was the payment to?” “The gay marriage initiative,” stated Ted quietly and Justin blinked and then swallowed in amazement and though he thought he’d cried himself out, it took all his resolve to keep back the tears. But then something came to mind and he asked Ted one more question. “Ted … you say Brian made the contribution the day before he died … when did he make out his will?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin had looked at the safety deposit box key on and off all that afternoon. It was no good, his curiosity eventually got the better of him and just allowing enough time before the bank closed, he went down there to discover exactly what the box held. He wasn’t sure the bank would allow him access, but when he arrived, it would seem that Brian had made adequate arrangements. The assistant manager paid his condolences and showed Justin into the private room where the box was brought to him and once on his own, he took a several deep breaths and then unlocked the rectangular, metal container. Frowning, Justin picked up two envelopes and two small packages, which had been carefully protected with plastic bubble-wrap. The first letter was addressed to him and the second to Gus. And placing the packages, together with the envelope addressed to Brian’s son on the table, Justin slowly opened the envelope marked for his own attention. “Justin,” Justin felt his knees wobble and grateful for the chair provided, he immediately sat down. And hoping his heart would soon settle down to its normal rhythm, he took a deep breath before proceeding any further. “You’re probably wondering why you’re reading this, but after everything and not taking into account recent events, I realized that none of us ever know what’s around the corner. In a perfect world, you’d never have to read this. But this world isn’t perfect and sometimes stuff comes along out of the blue and blindsides us; we just weren’t expecting it. If you do have to read this, then I hope you know by my actions exactly what you do mean to me. If anyone ever told me that I’d be planning my wedding one day, I would have told them to take a hike. After all, I am Brian Kinney for fuck’s sake. But I guess something comes along that finally makes every one of us have to grow up and take a good long look at ourselves and try and work out what’s important. And when I finally did that, that’s when I realized you’re the most important thing in my life - you and Gus. I just wish I could be around to share the future with both of you. Justin, you are going to slay them with your talent. Don’t let anything or anyone hold you back. Hopefully, you’ve got the means behind you now not to have to worry about how you’re going to eat and still keep painting. There‘s nothing noble about being a poor, starving artist. Use the money, that’s what it’s there for and know that if I had my way, nothing would have kept us apart. I already wasted too many years without telling you that I loved you. Big mistake. But what’s the point of going over that? No apologies and no regrets right? And no point beating myself up about it. Just be sure you never make the same mistakes I did. Because you have to move on now and you can. I don’t have anything else I can leave you, other than to set you free to be with whoever you want to be with in the future. If anyone is capable of loving, lasting relationship, it’s you and he’ll be a very lucky guy. You’ll see the other letter is for Gus and I’m asking you to hold it in your safe-keeping until he’s old enough to understand. With the munchers planning on taking him to Toronto, I don’t trust that even Lindz won’t hold out on the kid and not let him know about me and I want Gus to know his father loved him. Whether Lindsay will take up my offer of buying a house for just her and Gus who knows? But I sure as hell would have loved to have seen Mel’s face when she found out about it. Anyhow, I’d like Gus to have the photograph that’s in the protective wrap. It’s the one of me holding him when he was a few months old. At least Gus will be able to see that his old man wasn’t exactly shabby. The other package is the cowry shell bracelet I used to wear and I‘d like him to have that too. It sure has a few stories it could tell, doesn’t it, Sunshine and I wouldn’t mind one bit if you told Gus whatever you wanted him to know about me. At least from you, it would be the truth and good or bad, I don’t mind. I’d rather he knew the real me, not some totally made up horror stories from Melanie! I know I can trust you to do this for me, Justin, because I know you love Gus too and I hope you’ll stick around for him, even if it does mean trekking up to Canada every so often. Keep an eye on him for me. He’s going to need a strong male influence in his life to teach him about the really important things. You know what I mean; Armani, Gucci, Prada. So, all that’s left is for me to say take care Justin, and have a wonderful life. I love you. I guess I always did. Brian He thought he was all cried out, but Justin failed to keep back the tears entirely and he read the letter twice more before finally and very carefully, returning it to the envelope and laying it down on the table. Then slowly, he opened the first package to check on it and smiled at the photograph of a bare-chested Brian, looking every bit the new and doting father, cradling the infant, Gus, in his arms. Christ, Brian had looked so fucking hot back then and Justin couldn‘t help smiling as he stroked the glass and traced the edge of the frame with his fingers . He’d always loved this photograph and, in his late twenties, Brian was the most beautiful man Justin had ever laid eyes on and, indeed, he still was and would probably always remain so. Taking great care, he re-wrapped the photograph and realized that he hadn’t noticed that it was missing from its usual place in the loft and wondered vaguely how long it had lain in the box. Then he turned his attention to the second package. Justin hadn’t seen Brian’s cowry shell bracelet for years. Not since he, himself had placed it back on Brian’s wrist after the man’s nephew had stolen it and then leveled an accusation of sexual assault against him. Allegations that were dropped, following the boy’s admission that it had all been nothing but lies. Brian seemed to stop wearing it then and Justin wondered why he’d still kept hold of it and was more curious why he felt the need to give it to Gus. But with very little tangible evidence of Brian, it would be something Gus would have of the man. Justin picked up the letter Brian had written to Gus and stared at it. He would have given anything to know what the man had said to his son, but carefully, he put it in his pocket along with Brian’s letter to him. Justin sighed as he re-packed the bracelet and picked up both packages. At the time, he hadn’t even thought about how his criticism of Lindsay and Melanie would affect his relationship with Gus. But even before he’d discovered Brian’s gifts to Gus, Justin had realized he would have to make up with the women, if he wanted to maintain contact with Gus and he wasn’t looking forward to that confrontation one bit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Leaving the bank, Justin had rung Daphne. He knew what he wanted to do now and would be grateful for the ride. It was almost dusk when they arrived at their destination and Daphne asked him if he wanted her to go with him, but after consideration, in the end Justin said no, if she didn’t mind, he’d rather be on his own. So, with his friend sitting in the car, the light was beginning to fade when Justin walked through the gates of the cemetery. Owing to the warm weather and the earlier rain, a grey, swirling mist enshrouded Justin as he made his way along the line of headstones. He knew there wouldn’t be a marker yet on the grave he sought, neither would there be flowers to go by, but the obviously fresh grave next to that of Jack Kinney’s confirmed it for him. With his heart pounding, Justin stood looking down at the mound of earth and then finally, he swallowed and took a deep breath. “I so fucking hate you … for what you’ve done … how dare you leave me like this to go on without you … and deal with everything on my own.” “I thought we were going to grow old together,” stated the young man sorrowfully and then he sighed. And with his heart still heavy with the grief he feared he‘d have forever, Justin could no longer deny his true feelings above all else and he kissed the bloom he held and then placed the single blood red rose at the grave’s head. Justin was desperately trying to hold himself together and hoped that this last act of remembrance would finally allow him to let Brian rest in peace and bring him some closure, though it would seem to Justin that he would never really get Brian out of his system and he took a deep breath. “I love you, Brian Kinney,” stated Justin, his voice barely a whisper on the cool, early evening air. “I always have … and I always will.” To be continued. As always, grateful thanks to Lois and Judy.