Chapter 2: Hearing the news they were all dreading, Michael slumped back down in the chair, finding it hard to breathe. Brian Kinney, his best friend since he was 14 years old was dead and Ben had sat down beside Michael and taken his hand, though the man was barely conscious of his husband's concern. Justin still clung to his Mom, but his sobs had subsided for the moment as a feeling of numbness started to creep in. Self-preservation by the body’s own defenses had taken over and Jennifer pulled back to look at him, her hands either side of her son's face as she tried to offer words of comfort and then wipe away the tears from those distraught blue eyes. “Let's take you home,” she whispered to him, but Justin shook his head. “I wanna see him,” came the quiet, urgent plea. But try as they might, even with Carl’s determined perseverance, no-one was allowed to see Brian Kinney. His mother had left strict instructions that none of 'those people' would be permitted to pay respects to her son and a nurse advised them they might as well all leave. “I'll try and talk to Joan later,” promised Debbie, quietly to Carl, having known the woman since Brian and Michael had become friends as boys and wondering what she intended to do about her son's funeral arrangements. And so Justin, Michael and Lindsay and indeed all of Brian's true family and friends would be forced to leave the hospital feeling there was something left unfinished. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jennifer had wanted to take Justin back to her home, but distressed at not being able to say goodbye to Brian, he'd insisted on going straight back to the loft, the last place he‘d seen him. Carl, though sensitive to Justin's feelings, approached him to say the police would need to check out the place to see if there was any evidence of foul play and whether the man whom Brian was with last night could be identified. Suddenly, Justin eagerly clutched at a straw in a desperate attempt to believe that Brian wasn't culpable for his own death, but Carl shook his head. “I asked ... and I had to flash my badge to get an answer ... but the doctors said there didn’t appear to be any sign of bruising on Brian's body.” “The post mortem will tell us more of course … but at this point … it looks like he was a willing participant ... that's all they would tell me ... but I'd like to take a look at the loft all the same.” “Now?” asked Debbie, stunned and still trying to take in today's events, including the coldness of Brian's mother, which she would never understand and Carl patted Debbie's arm. “Before any evidence there might be disappears,” he stated quietly. “There's an empty wine bottle ... and glasses,” offered Justin, as he desperately tried to recall what he‘d seen at the loft. “Then hopefully, we should be able to get some prints off them,” replied the police lieutenant and then he put his hand on Justin‘s shoulder. “I know it’s no consolation … but it doesn’t sound as if Brian even knew what was going on … he … he just slipped away.” The sob caught in Justin’s throat as he remembered the last time he saw Brian, vulnerable and helpless and realizing now just how close to death the man had actually been. Maybe at some point it would be a comfort of sorts to know that at least it sounded as if Brian hadn’t suffered, but Justin’s senses were rapidly becoming too deadened to even take that fact in right now. “Are you ready, Justin?” Jennifer asked him and her son closed his eyes and swallowed. How could he leave this place and not see Brian again for one last time, even in death? But it wasn't to be and so dazed and still reeling with shock, Justin had no other course but to allow Jennifer to lead him down to the car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tucker took Molly home in a cab and dropped Debbie off on the way. The woman immediately went into Italian mother-mode in order to feed the gang who would follow on and who, like her, hadn't eaten since breakfast. Plus of course, she was glad to be kept occupied. Brian had been like another son to her and she just couldn’t bear to think he was gone. Faults and all, Debbie had loved Brian, even if she didn’t always understand him. He would be a hard void to fill. Thankfully, on Carl’s suggestion, everyone had seen the good sense in giving Justin some space. Taking into consideration the additional upset of having the police disturb the loft, the gang all headed back to Deb's to console each other, with everyone bewildered and stunned at how easy life can do a 180 on you when you least expect it. With Carl following Jennifer's car to the loft, Lindsay and Melanie rode to Debbie's with Ben and Michael, Lindsay sitting silently in the back and clinging to Gus, the youngster now never knowing his father as she'd promised the man he would. And she still couldn't get over Mel's attitude towards Brian. She'd known that two of the people closest to her had never got along, but she'd always hoped they could at least be civil to one another. But hearing Melanie insult Brian like that in front of everyone, including his son, had shocked and dismayed Lindsay more than she liked to admit and Melanie wasn't exactly her favorite person right now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the journey to the loft from the hospital, Justin had sat in silence and stared out of the window, still too stunned and with unanswered questions going around in his head to participate in any sort of conversation. How could Brian be dead? He’d only spoken to him on the phone at midnight, though of course that was over 16 hours ago now. But it just didn’t make sense. How could he let something like this happen? And Justin was still trying, but failing to comprehend the circumstances as he admitted the crime scene team into his home. The loft hadn't looked unduly disturbed by the events of the previous night, there were no obvious signs of a struggle or anything untoward taking place, but Carl had arranged for the crime scene investigation team to come right over. After their examinations, they took away the bed linen, the partly consumed bottle of Beam, the empty wine bottle and glasses and Brian‘s clothing that had been cast off in the bedroom. They also took prints off the sliding metal door and from the bathroom. Then they checked Brian's laptop and cell phone to determine who he'd last been in contact with. They worked diligently, but nevertheless, Justin stood over them, anxious and determined they wouldn't miss a thing, though of course the team were far too professional to divulge anything they’d discovered to the young man, much to his annoyance. Jennifer and Daphne sat on the sofa as the team worked, concerned at Justin's actions and his persistence that no stone would remain unturned and unable to get him to sit down and leave them to it. It was obvious he was having difficulty accepting that Brian's death had been by the man's own hand and was anxious to find any evidence that proved someone else was to blame. Then, after initially speaking with Jennifer, concerned for Justin's state of mind, Carl had to ask the young man the usual questions, not that he could tell him much. Justin hadn't seen Brian since just after midday the previous day, but had spoken to him on the phone around midnight, now over 18 hours before. He couldn’t throw any light on Brian’s movements or who he’d met with later that day and though the post mortem would of course confirm cause of death, there really seemed to be no doubt. When Carl asked him, Justin truthfully answered that he'd never before seen the tablets he'd found on the bed, but as far as he knew, they hadn't belonged to Brian. Justin was convinced he must have picked up a trick who brought them with him and managed to convince Brian to ingest them and along with the booze, they'd proved fatal. Presumably, when Brian became unconscious and the trick couldn't rouse him, he'd high-tailed it out of there. But it cut Justin to the quick to think that the man hadn't bothered to dial 911 and try to summon help, as earlier intervention might just have saved Brian's life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The forensic team had gone and with nothing else left for Carl to question Justin about, he made his exit too, leaving a rather shell-shocked Jennifer and Daphne tasked with tidying up the loft behind them. Both women had known Brian for some while and while Daphne had always liked and respected him, it had taken Jennifer a little longer to come round. But, having done so, she’d genuinely liked the man and both of them were still stunned by his death. Justin, looking and feeling totally exhausted, was sitting ashen-faced and silent on the sofa, now all the activity was over. For the moment, he couldn’t cry, but he also couldn't stop trembling, his head was swimming and a migraine threatened; a legacy of the brain damage following the bashing, and something he hadn't experienced for a long time. Justin closed his eyes as he tried to stop his mind from whirling. He‘d kept asking himself why, how and who, but for now, there didn‘t appear to be any answers, only questions and trying to take in the outcome of a stupid, senseless action by someone he thought knew better. Justin sighed as he tried to clear his head and slowly, he became aware that his Mom and Daphne were whispering together up in the bedroom, as if unsure of what do to next. “What's the matter?” asked Justin, opening his eyes and rubbing his forehead and he forced himself to get up and cross the floor towards them to determine what was wrong and he climbed the steps. His mother glanced at Daphne. “We were wondering ... do you want us to remake the bed?” “Of course,” answered Justin. “Where else am I gonna sleep?” he asked them, confused by their question. But the two women were wondering whether Justin would be able to bring himself to now sleep in the bed he'd shared with Brian and the bed wherein the man had lain unconscious and dying, presumably for so long. But as if to indicate he had no doubt of where he wanted to sleep, Justin immediately headed for the closet and pulled out a clean set of linen. The two women watched him and saw Justin hesitate and then swallow before throwing the sheet over the mattress. Jennifer caught the other side and helped him and all the while, Justin tried not to think how vulnerable and lifeless Brian had looked when he found him there, as the man’s life had been slowly ebbing away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Having made the bed, Justin sat down onto it and gratefully accepted the glass of water and painkillers his Mom offered him. He was still trying to take in the fact that Brian wouldn’t just walk in at any moment and this whole thing would turn out to be nothing more than a terrible nightmare. But of course the longer it went on, the more obvious it would become that this was for real. But for the moment, it just hadn’t sunk in completely that no longer did he and Brian have a future together, with Justin not truly able to comprehend that the older man was gone forever. The very idea was unthinkable. The phone rang and when Jennifer answered it, she wasn’t surprised to find Lindsay on the other end of the line. She was still at Debbie’s, in fact all the gang were and decided that instead of everyone calling to see how Justin was, just one of them would and after much discussion, it ended up being Lindsay. Justin had moved to the sofa and was staring down into his third cup of coffee and one he might even get to drink this time, the previous two having been forgotten and gone cold, but then he heard his Mom tell someone she didn’t think Justin was up to taking calls. “Who is it?” Justin asked her, looking up and when his mother told him, Justin reached out for the handset, though once Lindsay actually found herself passed over to Justin, she really didn’t know what on earth she would say, without sounding so predictable and trite. Indeed what could she say to him other than express her own sorrow that a man she’d tried so hard not to love and failed miserably in the attempt, had died so tragically, though of course she’d never put it quite like that. For Brian’s loss would hit Lindsay harder than she’d ever care to admit. He’d been her friend through college and she had slept with the man before accepting her sexuality, even though Brian would end up not being the only man she’d ever sleep with. But even throughout her relationship with Mel, at the back of her mind, Lindsay had always wondered about ‘what might have been’ between her and Brian and while he’d remained unattached, she’d often imagined them being together. But then Justin came along, the only man Brian had ever let in close enough to love him, even though the older man had done his darndest to prevent him. And Lindsay hadn’t quite let go of her fantasy, even when she and Mel had received their invitation to Brian and Justin’s wedding. But now every dream and fantasy had died along with Brian and she felt empty and alone and could only see what she had now. And that was a very shaky relationship with the woman she was supposed to be married to and moving away to start a new life with. But after his conversation with her, Justin actually wondered why Lindsay had called. It seemed she was more intent on telling him how awful she felt, rather than actually ask Justin how he was doing; the man Brian was supposed to be marrying today. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “What about something to eat?” asked Jennifer. “You haven’t eaten all day … none of us have,” but Justin declined. “I couldn’t touch a thing … but we could send out … or there’s probably something in the freezer if you want.” In actual fact, Justin did feel empty, but food wouldn’t satisfy this particular hunger. There was an emptiness that wasn’t his insides telling him he hadn’t eaten in so long. And though not recognizing the symptoms quite yet, the craving in his stomach was the desire for something he could no longer have. Brian. Jennifer looked at Daphne, who shook her head also. Even though it was getting late, she couldn’t stomach anything either and Jennifer sighed. Wanting to feed and look after her offspring was such a ‘motherly’ thing. She’d helped tidy the loft and made several pots of coffee since they got here, but apart from doing that, she felt totally useless, wanting to do something, anything for her son. A part of her also felt guilty that she wasn’t able to protect him from all this, and knowing there was nothing she really could do, other than just be here for him as long as he needed her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Around 9:30, Jennifer tried to persuade a very subdued Justin to come home with her again, at least for a couple of days, but once more, he shook his head. This had been his and Brian's home. Admittedly only for a relatively short while since their reconciliation after the bombing, but it had been their home nevertheless. It was the place he felt closest to the man and he wanted to remain there. But his mother had grave misgivings that by his understandable quietness and now calm, that Justin hadn't really taken the day’s events fully on board as yet. “I know how much you want to help … but really … there isn‘t anything you can do,” stated Justin and he managed a smile. He could see his mother’s concern and her exasperation at how little she could actually do for him, but he was so grateful she cared so much. After all, he knew others who didn‘t even want to know their gay kids and would never support them, regardless of how much pain they were in; his own father for one and Brian’s mother for another. It was getting late, and despite his own exhaustion, Justin could see how tired his Mom was, but it had been a very long and upsetting day for all of them. “Go home ... you need some sleep too … besides, Molly will need you ... she's just a kid,” stated Justin, holding his Mom's hands with both of his and Jennifer could feel him shaking. “I could stay with Justin,” offered Daphne, and her friend smiled at her. Reluctantly, Jennifer nodded, knowing Justin would probably feel more at ease or at least was more likely to open up and talk with a friend if he felt the need to, than with his mother. The realization hurt her slightly, but whatever Justin wanted right now was okay with her. And in any case, he was right, Molly probably needed her too. She loved Justin and, in the few times she'd met Brian, they'd gotten on well. She was bound to be confused and upset for her brother, but Jennifer hated to leave her son, even though he insisted. With Justin having returned to the sofa and seemingly now lost, deep in his own thoughts once more, Jennifer gathered up her jacket to the beautifully tailored pale blue suit she’d bought especially for the wedding and picked up her matching purse. She took out a pen and motioned to Daphne. “Here’s mine … and our doctor's numbers,” whispered Jennifer and she quickly wrote the telephone numbers on the message pad on the desk. “Please … don't be afraid to call him or me if you have any concerns,” and she returned her pen to her purse. “I'm so worried about him ...” Jennifer's hand went up to her mouth as she felt overcome by the day's events, as was Daphne. Both women were barely holding it together, but determined to for Justin's sake. “Are you going to be okay to drive?” asked Daphne and Jennifer nodded speechlessly before swallowing. “I’ll take it steady,” came the eventual reply, her voice husky with emotion and Jennifer hugged her before going over to Justin. She reached down to kiss him on the forehead and gently stroked his cheek with the back of her hand. “I’ll see you in the morning,” Jennifer whispered to him, but Justin barely nodded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Emmett had brought Justin’s holdall with him from the hotel and he’d passed it to Daphne in the hospital parking lot, but of course, Daphne herself had no other change of clothing with her and was still in the dress she’d put on that morning, that had long ago felt inappropriate considering the circumstances. “Is it okay if I look for something to sleep in?” she asked Justin, intending to make herself a bed up on the sofa. Daphne had started to unpack Justin’s holdall and put his things away, and the young man had been looking unseeing, directly ahead and his friend had to speak to him again before it registered. “Oh, sure … I’ll get you something,“ came the somewhat distracted answer and going to the dresser, Justin pulled out some sweats and a tee of his own. “These should fit … sort of,” and he offered a very faint smile as he passed them over to her. “I guess I should get out of this,” stated Justin and he looked down at himself. He was still dressed in his wedding suit, though it was now a little crumpled, but he had been somewhat reluctant to take it off, as somewhere in the deepest recesses of his mind, he‘d been telling himself that the wedding might still happen if he was still wearing the suit Brian had bought him. “I’ll go change in the bathroom,” stated Daphne, seeing by Justin’s expression, a mixture of confusion, sorrow and vagueness, that he probably needed a little privacy right now and not just because he was about to change his clothes. Picking up the borrowed clothing she quietly left him on his own. Now alone, Justin started to undress and having kicked off his shoes, he took off his suit and laid it down on the bed. He tried to smooth out the creases and sighed, looking at it, it was obvious that he would have to get it to the cleaners to get it pressed. It was the only suit he owned and he knew the next time he would wear it would be for Brian’s funeral. Taking off his shirt, Justin’s stomach flipped at the very thought of how he was going to make it through such an ordeal and he momentarily closed his eyes and then, sighing deeply, he opened up the closet door to retrieve a hanger and that’s when he saw it; Brian’s suit for the wedding, still hanging there in its protective cover. Slowly, Justin hung up his own suit, but when Daphne came out of the bathroom, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, still in his underwear, clutching Brian’s suit into him and almost doubled in half in his growing despair. “He never … never … got to wear it,” whispered Justin, tears streaming down his face and onto the plastic suit cover and Daphne’s insides lurched and she thought her own heart was breaking as she witnessed her friend’s immense sorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was several long minutes before Daphne was able to gently extricate the suit from Justin’s tight grip and return it to the closet, leaving him rocking slowly back and forth as he sat on the edge of the bed. The young man‘s arms were now folded tightly in front of him as he clutched his stomach and the pain becoming increasingly unbearable. With the numbness beginning to wear off for the moment, Justin‘s pain was physical and very real and he felt as if he‘d been hit by a runaway freight train. But for now, he didn’t utter a sound, with his nose running and his silent tears flowing down his face and dripping from his chin. That is until Daphne sat down beside him and took him in her arms and Justin finally released everything that was contained within him in loud and gasping sobs. Holding Justin, Daphne rocked with him, as if she were cradling and trying to comfort a child, though he was totally inconsolable. Eventually, still unaware of what he was doing and trusting Daphne completely, his friend managed to coax Justin further up the bed and get him under the duvet. And without attempting to get Justin into any more clothes, after all, they had once slept together, Daphne climbed in beside him. Gently, she snuggled into Justin’s back and put her arm around him and pulled him into her, deciding nothing could be done but to allow him to cry though his grief. Engulfed in both physical and emotional pain, Justin was barely aware of Daphne’s presence and the warm body that pressed against his. After all, it wasn’t the warm body he would crave for and with the realization seeping through to him that never again would he see Brian, share this bed or make love with him, heart-wrenching, gut-wracking sobs were sent coursing through his entire body and all Daphne could do was to hold on to him until he finally fell asleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At around 3:00, Daphne woke and realized she was on her own in the bed and then she heard the noises that had probably woken her and she sat up and looked around. In the light from the lamps on the nightstands and the one still left on in the living room, Daphne could make-out Justin searching frantically through the dresser drawers, the contents spilling out onto the floor, with the doors of the closet left open where he’d already examined the clothing, even Brian’s suit. “Justin, what are you doing?” asked Daphne, mystified by her friend‘s actions and she watched as Justin, now down on all fours, was searching around the bed. “The rings … I can’t find the rings,” came his anxious cry. For whatever reason, in the middle of the night, Justin had woken and was suddenly desperate to locate his and Brian’s intended wedding bands and he now searched around the bedroom furniture, fearing they’d possibly dropped from Brian’s suit pocket when he was holding it, but to no avail. “Come back to bed and get some sleep … find them in the morning,” suggested Daphne, but it was no use and Justin shook his head. “I have to find them now … “ “They’re engraved with our initials … B and J entwined on the outside … and they have the date inscribed on the inside,” and then suddenly, Justin got up off the bedroom floor and hastily padded down into the living room and across to the desk, searching the surface and pulling open the drawers. “They’re not here … I can’t find them anywhere …” Daphne heard the anguish and frustration in Justin’s voice and getting out of bed she went down to try and calm him. “They must be here,” she stated, but her friend shook his head. “I’ve searched everywhere … someone must have taken them … the paramedics … or … or the crime scene team must have stolen them.” Daphne sighed, knowing Justin wasn’t thinking at all rationally and she placed her hand on his arm. “I’m sure they wouldn’t … they must have access to all sorts of valuable items with their jobs … they would have to be trustworthy.” Justin frowned as he accepted Daphne’s logic and then blinked in realization. “The trick … he probably took them,” and he closed his eyes and couldn’t stop the sob from escaping. This surely had to be the final straw. To deprive Justin of even possessing Brian’s ring, let alone having the man place it on his finger and actually being able to wear it as a token of Brian’s love that Justin would have been so proud to display for all the world to see. How more heartbreaking could this become, wondered Justin and he opened his eyes and blinked and something else at the back of the still open desk drawer caught his eye. He hadn’t really seen it before in his desperate search for the ring box, but now, he pulled out two airline tickets and a hotel e-booking confirmation slip and he studied them and then swallowed. “Two first-class tickets … and a top-class hotel … in Ibiza,” read Justin out loud and then he turned the slip sideways to read Brian’s writing; a note obviously intended for him when Brian finally revealed their honeymoon destination. “Ibiza for real this time, Sunshine …” and Justin closed his eyes and clutched the tickets into his chest. “This just isn’t happening,” sobbed Justin, feeling as if a hand gripped his chest, squeezing the very breath out of him. Gently, Daphne took the tickets from him and put them back in the drawer, and having no strength to resist, Justin allowed her to guide him back up to bed. “Do you want me to call your Mom … or your doctor … get him to give you something to help you sleep?” asked Daphne, but Justin shook his head as he climbed up on the mattress. “I don’t wanna sleep … I want Brian,” came the anguished cry and he curled himself up into a ball, hugging his knees in a vain attempt to make the dreadful pain go away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The day after Brian’s death, Debbie called round to Joan Kinney’s before going on to see Justin. As someone she’d known since both their boys were 14, she’d hoped to be able to get through to her, mother-to-mother, and convince Joan that despite her opinion of her son’s life-style, to allow Justin, his partner, to have some sort of involvement at least in the arrangements for Brian’s internment and to allow the younger man some form of closure. “Thank you for your condolences,“ acknowledged Joan Kinney as she showed Debbie into the parlor and indicated that she take a seat. Joan herself was, in actual fact, expressing her mourning by dressing all in black and Debbie thought there might just be a glimmer of hope. She didn’t really believe Joan could be as callous and cold towards her son as she’d displayed at the hospital, but less than two minutes later and Debbie knew for sure she was wasting her time. “It will be a closed coffin,” announced Mrs. Kinney. “And a very small gathering … family only … blood family, that is.” “There are other people who actually cared about Brian … who would like to say goodbye,” stated Debbie, probably a little more forcefully than she should. “Especially Justin and …” “I want none of those people present,” cut in Joan and Debbie could feel her temper start to rise, despite the woman’s loss. “I’m mother to one of ‘those people‘,” Debbie reminded her. “Then you have my deepest sympathy,” came the condescending reply and fighting to stay calm, Debbie knew she might as well save her breath, there would be no getting through to the woman. “Oh … and no flowers,” continued Joan Kinney, standing firm and determined not be budged. It would seem that Brian was to have a very small and virtually anonymous funeral, and none of his homosexual friends or acquaintances would be welcome. “You will so regret this one day,” Debbie informed her on the doorstep. “I just hope God forgives you for what you’re doing to Brian and the people who actually loved him … ‘cos I sure as hell never will.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Justin woke that morning, for the briefest of moments, he’d forgotten what had happened, but then he remembered and it was like a black cloud engulfed him. He had no wish to get himself out of bed and though conscious of Daphne as he heard her move around the kitchen, he made no attempt at conversation or to let her know he was even awake. Keeping his eyes closely shut and burying his face in the pillow, Justin willed the pain and sickness he felt to go away, but it was no use. His entire body ached, not just his stomach and he fought to keep the overwhelming feeling of grief and sorrow at bay. How long would this go on for, he wondered, though of course it had only just begun. Daphne had caught Justin’s movement, as he’d turned into the pillows, but his friend thought it best to leave him to himself and allow him to sleep as much as he could. Eventually, Justin needed the bathroom and had reached for Brian’s robe, much too large for him of course, but it was comforting to wear it. Coming back to the bedroom, he’d met Daphne’s concerned look with a slight smile, before the tears welled up again and he sank down onto the bed and began to sob openly. Daphne sat down beside him, rubbing Justin’s back in a circular motion in a vain attempt at reassurance, though she couldn’t find the right words to say and simply, there just weren‘t any. Jennifer arrived soon after and had hugged him and brushed the hair back from his tear-stained eyes as if he were ten years old. But he was still her little boy and it broke her heart to see how much pain he was in. With a little coaxing, Justin did manage some breakfast and with telephone calls starting and Michael and Ben the first to visit, Justin excused himself to the bedroom and they waited for him as he showered and dressed and tried to pull himself together. The last thing Justin really wanted was to continually fall apart in front of people, but just how difficult it was going to be to remain emotionally intact he would soon find out. Justin stripped off his underwear to throw in the laundry basket that their cleaning lady would normally deal with. And, when he lifted the lid, there was the white tee he remembered taking off Brian himself the evening before they’d changed to go to their rehearsal dinner. They’d undressed each other and had incredibly satisfying sex in the shower and had subsequently arrived at the restaurant a little late. The glow they both shone with not fooling anyone about how they’d ‘run into a little traffic’ on the journey over. Slowly, Justin picked up the tee and automatically buried his face in the soft material and choked back a sob. He could still detect a heady mixture of Brian’s perspiration and expensive cologne he just used the smallest amount of. When Brian wore it, the fragrance was barely discernible, but something Justin would always associate with him. And if the gang who had started to gather were surprised to see Justin wearing one of Brian’s tees when the young man joined them in the living room, none of them mentioned it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The next few days ran true to form when death happens in most families with people coming and going. Though Joan Kinney’s home was to remain relatively quiet, her only visitors after Debbie being her daughter Claire with her two sons and Joan‘s usual priest. Unfortunately, the man had been called away when she’d needed him, but seemingly by mistake and not actually required, as the parishioner had not been as ill as had been conveyed at the time. But the lack of visitors offering their condolences at the Kinney household had, somewhat, to do with the fact that Brian’s mother was not terribly willing to publicize that her faggot son had passed away and, therefore, promote speculative rumor regarding the possible cause of his death. Whereas the loft became a hive of activity, with a constant stream of well-wishers, all anxious to pass on their condolences to Brian’s grieving partner traipsing through his home. Trying his best to show a brave exterior, when all the while trying not to fall apart inside, Justin had quickly got to the point where all the faces started to merge together, as did everyone’s words. They were well meant, but meaningless all the same and now didn‘t even register. The only people he really welcomed, apart from his own immediate family, which to Justin included Daphne and now Tucker, was his extended family, which he was more than happy to see. All that is, apart from Melanie, whose behavior at the hospital towards Brian still rankled him. Lindsay was clearly barely holding things together, as was Michael and Gus was grizzly and upset, unable to grasp what had happened of course, and failing to understand why he couldn‘t see his Daddy. Justin had picked the youngster up and as usual, Gus responded to him with smiles and banishing the grizzles for a few minutes at least. Justin continued to hug him tightly, though of course the boy didn’t understand why. Even though his Moms were planning to take Gus to Toronto, Justin had so looked forward to playing a bigger part in his young life. Brian had been determined to and Justin had believed Brian would. But now that wouldn’t happen and with the girls moving away, the link with Brian through his son would be lost to him and Justin hated the very thought of that connection being broken. Melanie, on the other hand, continued to be cold and seemingly unable to console her grieving wife, and was now more than ever convinced her reasons for leaving Pittsburgh for Toronto were valid ones and definitely not solely for the protection of their children. As she’d suspected, Lindsay had obviously continued to carry a torch for Brian, with Mel realizing she’d always come second best while that man was around. Secretly, but deciding for now to keep her feelings to herself, Melanie hardly mourned Brian’s passing. With his going, she hoped to at last to be able to have Lindsay all to herself with no competition. But Lindsay knew Mel better than her partner would ever realize and was beginning to accept Mel’s contempt for Brian and wondered why she’d been so blind and willing to overlook it before. Jennifer, of course, offered unconditional love and support and Molly had hugged him but didn’t know what else to do. Justin managed a smile at her and hugged his sister back and was just grateful to know she cared. Tucker offered to help in any practical way he could and Justin genuinely appreciated the man’s concern. Debbie had stoically put on her bravest of faces and displayed somewhat manic activity at times, reminiscent of when her brother, Vic, had died. She liked to keep busy so that she didn’t have to think and had more or less taken up residence at the loft during the days following, in order to provide a constant flow of coffee, cake and sandwiches to all who visited and Justin didn‘t have the heart to tell her not to come, even though her forced cheerfulness grated on him. Ted and Cynthia worked hard at keeping Brian’s business interests going and answering countless telephone calls from sympathizers and well-wishers, with all Kinnetik’s current clients expressing their horror at Brian’s death, but demonstrating their keenness to stay with the company. Emmett was Emmett, telling Justin he was strong and brave one minute and then the younger man having to comfort him the next as he too would break down in tears as he tried to imagine how Justin must be feeling right now. Emmett offered to do anything he could to help relieve Justin’s pain, not that there was anything he could do, of course, but the younger man valued the offer all the same. Daphne cut classes as much as she dared, bringing her notes and course work to the loft to study while she spent time with Justin, who once there was a lull between visitors, automatically reached for his sketchpad in order to have something to try and focus on, but he just couldn‘t seem to concentrate and ended up glued in front of daytime TV instead, which was so very unlike him. But as much as he tried, he couldn’t stop his mind wandering back to Brian, still trying to take in the circumstances of his death and the suddenness and enormity of it all. Justin was grateful, but thankful when his visitors did leave, though he was glad to still have his Mom and Daphne around him for the moment. Sometimes they didn’t need to talk, but for Justin it was just knowing there was someone there, though at times it seemed to both women, that he wasn’t really conscious of their presence at all. “Don’t worry … I’m not gonna get hammered,” promised Justin, seeing his Mom frown as he poured himself out a large shot of Beam, but he really felt like he needed it right now. The crime lab had the bottle Brian had been drinking from and this was the last the man had in stock. It hadn’t really ever been Justin’s drink of choice, even though he often kept Brian company. Feeling the liquid burn on its way down to his empty stomach, Justin could clearly remember Brian not allowing him any, aged 17 and telling the younger man he shouldn’t drink hard liquor and that it was bad enough that he smoked. Justin couldn’t help smiling at the memory and took another swallow and feeling just that little bit more connected to Brian because of it. Though he had found himself almost pouring out two drinks instead of the one and his stomach had lurched when he‘d realized what he‘d been about to do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ted broached the subject of Brian’s will and Justin asked him if that didn’t really concern Joan Kinney, after all, she seemed to be in control of everything else. But Ted had shaken his head and looked embarrassed when he announced he’d already spoken to the woman, albeit through the company attorney. He’d informed her that she wasn’t a named beneficiary, but in any case, Joan had made it perfectly clear that she had absolutely no interest in anything her son might have to bequeath. She wouldn’t sully her hands with anything from Brian, but did ask if she might possibly be reimbursed his funeral expenses. As it happened, Justin really couldn’t face hearing Brian’s will just yet and Ted agreed to delay its reading until after Brian’s funeral, as was the usual custom. But Ted was also concerned that as Brian’s partner, Justin should be involved with the discussions about the future running of Brian’s businesses in order to determine how they would continue. He was sure Brian would have wanted it that way. The company attorney would have to be included too of course, but for the moment, Justin waved away any such suggestions. He felt he just couldn’t take any kind of responsibility or face having to make any decisions right now and told Ted he was quite happy to defer to his judgment. Justin couldn’t think what he might want to eat for dinner, let alone make decisions which actually affected people’s lives. As Brian’s friend as well as his accountant, Ted’s first thought had been to close Babylon out of respect, but despite his heartbreak, Justin couldn’t help smiling at the very suggestion. “If anything … I would think Brian would love the place to stay open … as a testimony to everything gay … and survival,” stated the young man and everyone had nodded their agreement. Kinnetik did close, but for only one day out of esteem for their founder, with everyone who knew what happened too shocked and upset to concentrate. On the evening of Brian’s death, Ted had phoned all the employees who hadn’t been invited to the wedding to tell them what had happened and for them not to come in for the day. Ted did go in, but only to leave a message on the answer phone informing callers they weren‘t open until tomorrow, owing to a bereavement. And later, on fully inspecting the papers from the safe, Ted had discovered to his amazement that he and Cynthia had been made co-CEO’s of Kinnetik by Brian should anything happen to him. Kinnetik had been Brian’s baby, named by Justin, but given birth to by an ad man with a ‘balls to the walls’ approach to advertising and was someone who actually thought the public deserved to know the truth about the product they were purchasing. Brian’s edgy campaigns were beginning to get noticed by those who mattered. The public, of course, but even more significantly, the industry itself. And then Ted remembered Brian’s last words to him; “I always know I can rely on you …” and sitting down in one of the easy chairs in Brian’s office, Ted couldn’t help but shed tears for the man he’d admired for so long and who had given him a chance when others wouldn’t and had actually become his friend. And he would make damn sure that Brian’s faith in him was warranted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eventually, after it seemed that just about everyone in the gay community had paid their respects, Justin had managed to persuade his Mom and Daphne that it was okay to leave him on his own for longer than just a few minutes at a time. In actual fact, he was beginning to crave some space and knew he’d have to face being by himself sooner or later and may as well start getting used to it. Besides, it didn’t feel right, him in the bed and Mom or Daphne insisting they used the sofa. From one of Brian’s dresser drawers, Justin retrieved the picture he’d drawn of the man soon after they’d first met. Brian, in all his glory, lay naked in bed. He hadn’t even been aware that Justin had drawn him until Lindsay made a point of showing him when he’d visited them while the young man was there. And then, when Justin’s work was included in a charity show at the Gay and Lesbian Center, there it was for all the world to see. And, unsurprisingly, it was sold, although the buyer had asked to remain anonymous. It hadn’t remained anonymous for long, however, as very soon, Justin discovered it at the loft. He hadn’t been snooping, and he wasn’t even sure whether in fact Brian hadn’t meant him to find it and he’d placed on top of the dresser. When Brian saw it there, he’d hesitated and looked at him, but he’d never said a word. He didn’t have to. It wasn’t because of any narcissistic pleasure that had prompted Brian to buy the drawing. It was simply the fact that Justin had drawn it of him and he couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else owning it; Justin’s first sale at his first show, albeit for charity and it was of him, and drawn with such love, it just radiated from it. Why Brian had eventually decided to put it away out of sight, Justin didn’t know and didn’t like to ask. Maybe Brian didn’t want a constant reminder that time moved on, but here was a man who was destined to remain beautiful forever. But now, Justin took the drawing from its hiding place and set it up on the nightstand so that he could see it until he fell asleep. He really had very few keepsakes of Brian like this, other than his own drawings and a photograph taken of them together by Daphne and settling down to try and sleep, seeing Brian’s beauty filled his heart with a sorrow Justin didn’t know possible. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the wee hours of early morning, Justin would often wake and swear that Brian was next to him and that he could hear him breathing and he’d quickly roll over, only to find of course that he was in that big bed all on his own. Justin’s stomach continued to feel as if he’d been kicked by a mule and nothing he could do would make the pain go away. Despite knowing he had family and friends who cared, Justin’s increasing loneliness and longing for the man he’d loved consumed him and reaching out, Justin would pull into him what would have been Brian’s pillow and hug it tightly as the dark cloud descended and the waves of grief would come over him again until he eventually fell back to sleep. But it wasn’t just during the night that Justin would think Brian was still there. In the forthcoming days, whether he was on his own or not, Justin would think he could hear him in the shower or see him working at his desk or even hear his voice. Brian was everywhere in the loft and in his head and indeed, part of his very being. And though on one hand it was a source of comfort to him, it was becoming impossible to determine reality from his imagination and Justin actually started to think he might be losing his mind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I thought you’d want to know,” stated Carl, as Justin closed the door to the loft behind him with the Police Lieutenant refusing the offer of coffee, even though he’d been on duty since 6:00am., but he’d probably consumed way too many already this morning. “It was an overdose, wasn’t it?” asked Justin and Carl sighed and then nodded, though of course there hadn’t been any real question about the cause of Brian’s death. “That … together with the alcohol,” confirmed the older man and nodding absentmindedly to himself in acceptance, Justin sank down onto the sofa. “But he would have known very little about it … it was like he just fell asleep and never woke up,” the man continued, anxious to offer Justin any little consolation he could. Justin swallowed and managed a faint smile. Brian didn’t suffer and he had to be grateful for that at least. “Have you told his Mother?” asked Justin, but Carl shook his head. “I’m going there next,” he answered him and Justin felt grateful that Carl had shown him the consideration of telling him first, after all, he wasn‘t obliged to. In the eyes of the law, Justin’s relationship to Brian demanded no such courtesies and why he should be so concerned about Brian’s mother, he wasn’t sure, but only knew she had the right, of course, to be informed. He’d seen his own mother so obviously worried about him and hoped that at some time at least, maybe when Brian was a kid, that Joan had loved him, even if just a little. And it was the decent thing to do. “What about the trick?” asked Justin, still eager to know whether the man whom Brian had been with had been identified, but disappointingly, Carl shook his head. “Neither his prints or DNA are on any database.” “Then what about Brian’s computer or cell? He must have contacted him somehow,” demanded Justin, his voice growing a little louder in his frustration. “There was nobody who didn’t check out on his computer or his home phone number,” replied Carl, evenly. He could see how upsetting this was for Justin, not to know who‘d been with Brian as the man had lain dying, but hoped Justin might take some sort of comfort from his next statement: “And you were the last person he talked to on his cell,” and Carl sighed and shook his head at his own dissatisfaction at not having the answers he knew Justin desperately wanted. “Whoever the guy was … Brian must have picked him up somewhere and brought him back here ...” Getting up off the sofa, Justin started to pace the floor as he thought, trying to work out what Brian‘s actions might have been. It hadn’t occurred to him to see if Brian had been to Babylon or Woody’s that night and had assumed the man would have come back to the loft after spending time at the office on the eve of their wedding and would then have gone on-line to one of the gay personal sites he frequented, but Carl was ahead of him. “I checked … Brian didn’t go to Woody’s or Babylon … though he did apparently make a quick trip to the bank …” “Then who was the guy … and where the fuck did Brian meet him?” asked Justin, despairingly, and reaching out, Carl took him gently by the elbow. “We have to face it Justin … we may never know …” “But …” Carl stopped abruptly and Justin frowned at him, wondering what the man had been going to say but then changed his mind about. “Go on … say it,” Justin challenged him and Carl took a deep breath. “There’s nothing to indicate that anyone else was responsible for Brian’s death.” Justin closed his eyes briefly and nodded and though the man was loath to leave him, Carl was still on duty and he placed his hand on the younger man‘s shoulder. “Justin … if you need anything … anything at all … call me,“ “I’d like to think I was family too.“ Justin nodded his silent thanks, appreciating Carl’s sincerity and then watched the man leave. And now on his own, Justin again sank down onto the sofa and closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the enormity of the truth. That even if the trick had brought the drugs with him, Brian didn’t have to take them. He was an adult, responsible for his own actions and he had made that decision of his own volition and there was no getting away from it. Brian was responsible for his own death and that final realization that there really was no one else to blame left Justin with an even heavier heart and a gnawing feeling of disappointment in the man he loved. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin had never experienced such a feeling of loss before, it was mind numbing and debilitating. Coping with the grief and loss was bad enough, but coupled with the knowledge that in effect, Brian had killed himself, Justin was left feeling as if the rug had been pulled out from under him. The young man was beginning to find even the smallest of tasks daunting and exhausting, with his body drained of strength, exacerbated by his lack of appetite and a disturbed sleeping pattern. Thinking and attempting to put his thoughts into some sort of order was proving impossible and his condition wasn’t helped by Joan Kinney’s announcement of her son’s funeral arrangements, although it was several days before Debbie found the courage to tell him after Justin failed to get any response back from Mrs. Kinney himself. Both he and his mother had tried telephoning the Kinney household, but had received no reply. “I can’t even go to the funeral?” asked Justin, disbelieving at not even being able to say a final farewell to the man he loved. “I’m sorry, Justin,” sighed Debbie. “I tried … but Brian’s mother wouldn’t hear me out.” “What if I ask her?” suggested Michael, but his mother shrugged. “Honey … she refused me … do you really think you could persuade her?” asked Debbie and Michael closed his eyes as he shook his head in reluctant agreement. Stunned by his exclusion from the final act to commemorate Brian’ life and the chance to give their relationship some form of closure, Justin sank onto the sofa and failed to keep in the tears and buried his head in his hands. So many tears, so much heartache and emptiness and he wondered if it would ever end. But then through the fog and grief that had been making even the smallest decision a difficult process, miraculously, an idea slowly began to form. “We’ll have our own memorial service for Brian … so that his real family can attend,” stated Justin, determinedly and looking around the room. “That’s a wonderful idea,” agreed the rest of the gang, but Emmett frowned. “Where are you going to hold it … we all know how Brian felt about church …” Slowly, even in his pain, Justin allowed the briefest of smiles to spread across his face. “We’ll hold it in Brian’s church …“ “Babylon … where else?” “Perfect,” smiled Michael back at him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ With the decision made to have their own commemorational event on the same day as Brian’s official funeral and something definite to plan for, Justin now at last felt he had a purpose. But apart from visiting Babylon a couple of times to check out the arrangements for Brian’s memorial, he hadn’t ventured from the loft and he hadn‘t even given a second thought to his art, his normal sanctuary, so consumed had he been with just handling living from day to day. And although the preparations for Babylon were slowly falling into place, currently, nothing else seemed to have any sort of pattern. Justin ate when and if he was hungry and he slept intermittently, occasionally with the aid of alcohol and sometimes just crashing out on the sofa, even if someone was paying their respects or any of the gang were there to go over their plans. Often, he hardly slept a wink all night, but then suddenly at any time, would feel as if he just couldn’t stay awake a moment longer and would head for the sofa or bedroom and everyone would quietly leave. They understood of course. Why wouldn’t they? There was so much Justin was now trying to concentrate on, but with his mind constantly wandering to thoughts of Brian, everything was becoming increasingly arduous and he wondered how the hell he was going to get through it all. But thankfully, everyone, including Cynthia, played their part enormously, with Ted making sure all the arrangements for Babylon happened and Cynthia kept Kinnetik functioning. Brian had, of course, made space in his diary for when he and Justin were on their honeymoon, but there were presentations planned for later, as well as other campaigns still in their early stages. Just as well Ted had been thrown in at the deep end on that occasion, when Brian was recovering from his cancer treatment. Ted’s presentation technique had certainly improved over the months and now business was booming more than ever and even without Brian at the helm, the entire staff were determined to carry on and make Brian proud, each one keen to play their part in continuing the business‘ success. As for Babylon, having been brought back from the brink of death by Brian, it had quickly resumed its position as the hottest gay dance club in town and its future secured. But as much as he was involved with the memorial, when the conversation centered on Brian or their plans, Justin would often feel strangely detached and almost as if everything was, in fact, happening to someone else and that he was merely a bystander to it all. And then he even started to catch himself thinking whether there was anything he should mention to Brian, ask him what he thought of the arrangements even or that there was something he was supposed to remind the man about, but then of course, Justin would remember. Brian was no longer there and another surge of desolation would wash over him. Even conversation itself wasn’t always easy and heightening his fears of losing his rationale, in the middle of any sentence, at any given time, Justin’s mind would go a complete blank and he couldn’t remember what he’d been saying and a feeling of helplessness would engulf him, depressing him and scaring him witless. “It will get easier … despite what you’re thinking right now,” his Mom tried to reassure him, but her son sighed despairingly, believing he’d quite likely never function fully again and that his life would never again have the joy he’d felt the day he’d agree to marry the man he loved and that his heart would be broken forever. Brian had undergone a huge journey to get to the point where he was at last able to declare his love for Justin. It had taken him so long to get there, for over thirty years telling himself and others, that he never wanted, let alone needed, anyone in his life. But that had been Brian’s self-preservation kicking in. After all, being brought up to believe his parents neither loved nor wanted him; Jack Kinney informing him on more than one occasion that he should have been aborted, what does that tell you as a child? Surely it would say that you aren’t worthy of being loved if those people who are above all others, supposed to love you unconditionally can‘t bring themselves to. And if you believe that no one will ever love you, how can you set yourself up to love someone else? They’re bound to reject you and break your heart. So hence years of putting up barriers to stop others getting through, making yourself believe that you need no one else and it didn‘t matter anyhow because you weren‘t capable of loving them back. But that was before a certain tenacious, beautiful blue-eyed blond suddenly appeared under a streetlamp that night out on Liberty Avenue, five years before and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Brian had once tried telling Justin that he didn‘t believe in love and certainly before that particular young man came along it would seem unlikely that Brian would ever think himself capable of experiencing any real kind of emotion. But Justin had taught him he could love and still remain the man he was, and in fact more so and that he shouldn’t hide behind those barriers any longer and actually start to enjoy his relationships with the people he cared about the most: Justin and Gus. But it was a sad consequence of the tragedy at Babylon that had more or less forced Brian’s hand to state his love for Justin, but would now remove Gus to Toronto, just when Brian so desperately wanted a second chance with his son. Brian had done a lot of growing up in those intervening five years since Justin first entered his life, a lot of which had to be attributed to the cancer and Brian accepting what actually was important to him after all. He now owned two thriving businesses and a lot of people depended on him for their livelihoods, but it was the terrible event which threatened Justin’s life again, that had led him to realize at last that the prospect of losing that young man was too hard to bear. Brian had fought it before, but now he didn’t want to deny the feelings he had for him any longer and had amazed them both by finally finding the courage, in the middle of all the mayhem that was happening around Babylon that night, to tell Justin that he loved him. And then he confounded everyone, including himself and Justin, by asking the young man to marry him. They had doubts of course, who wouldn’t, but after deciding that they both loved each other unconditionally and didn’t require any major changes or sacrifices to still be a committed couple, they went ahead and made their wedding plans. But plans that would, of course, never now be carried out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ With Brian’s memorial just a few days away and Justin knowing that the man‘s official funeral would be taking place without him even being allowed to be present, everything was proving way too much. Justin loved his friends and he loved his Mom for wanting to be there for him, but as he sat on the bed and listened to them going over things once again down in the living room, all he craved at the moment, was a little peace and quiet otherwise he might just go mad after all. As it was, he felt as if the loft walls were moving in on him and he was starting to feel suffocated. All this talk about what they would do to commemorate Brian’s passing and Justin hated the fact that if felt as if they were discussing the man behind his back. But something else was beginning to gnaw at him. He was being forced to talk about something he never thought he’d have to face, at least not for another 40 years. Even when he discovered Brian had testicular cancer, he didn’t allow himself to think this would ever happen and that Brian would actually die. But he had and not even with that disease, but by his own fucking stupidity and Justin was beginning to feel angry that he was having to deal with all of this right now. “Justin … where are you going?” asked Jennifer, rather alarmed and suddenly aware that her son had purposefully walked through the living room and was putting on his jacket as he went. “I need some air,” came the reply without him even looking at her and without any further explanation, Justin opened the heavy sliding metal door and walked out into the hallway and closed the door behind him. “Let him go,” stated Debbie, placing her hand on Jennifer’s arm and preventing the woman from following her son. “I know you wanna help,” she continued. “But in the end … he has to work through this for himself.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three hours later and no word from Justin and Jennifer thought she was about to go out of her mind with worry. She’d tried his cellphone, but the ringing from one of the nightstands up in the bedroom an indication that he hadn’t even taken it with him. Then the gang left, saying they’d let her know if he got in touch with any of them, and another hour later and still not hearing anything, there was one other person Justin would definitely go to when he was feeling low or needed a retreat. Now out of class, Daphne had at last been able to answer Jennifer’s calls, but she hadn’t seen or heard from Justin either. “Don’t worry,“ Daphne had told her. “I’m sure he’s okay … he just needed a little space I guess,“ and Jennifer sighed. But how could she not worry? She was his mother after all and as far as she was concerned, it came with the territory, especially after everything Justin had been through. “I know you’re right, Daphne,” Jennifer admitted. “But I’d feel much easier if I knew where he was, at least …” “But where would he go? No one has seen him,” and then the realization dawned. There was one place that Justin would probably make for. It was somewhere he hadn’t been since all this started, but was the one place usually guaranteed to help him get his head together and enable him to work though any pain or confusion. “His studio,” the two women stated together and then Jennifer sighed. “Oh dear …” “What?” asked Daphne, frowning and she heard Jennifer take a breath. “I really do need to know he’s okay … but he’s hardly going to want his mother running after him … like he was a nine year old … he already thinks I’m over protective … he’ll hate me for it.” “I doubt it,” smiled Daphne. “But if you like … I’ll go over there and make sure he’s okay.” “Would you, Daphne? I’d be really grateful,” and Jennifer breathed a sigh of relief. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin had also breathed a sigh of relief when he opened up the door to his studio and in many ways, it felt like coming home. It hadn’t been a week, but it seemed like a lifetime since he was last here. It was really no more than one large room and it didn’t even have a proper kitchen area and he had to share the bathroom down the hall, but it was the one place he’d been able to call his own, his refuge. Something he’d desperately needed after his breakup with Brian and the place he knew he‘d most likely regain his equilibrium. And even after they got back together, he still needed the place. Not only because he required a studio in which to work, but because it was somewhere he’d found and paid for by himself, without any help from the older man, his modest income from the ‘Rage’ comic just about covering his costs. Not that he wasn’t grateful for everything Brian had given him, paying for his education, even when they were no longer together. But he’d needed to begin standing on his own two feet and moving in here had been his declaration of independence. Secretly, Brian had admired Justin’s show of maturity and determination to make a go of his art and had been even more pleased when the younger man had decided after all to go back to college for his degree. Reluctantly, Justin admitted that getting the degree that would give him a much greater advantage in the future was way more important than refusing to return to school following his anti-Stockwell poster campaign, which the college felt had put them in a bad light and then demanded he apologized to the man concerned. The principal involved then had since retired and the current incumbent didn’t know the history, but it was highly unlikely they’d still require Justin to make such a statement, following Stockwell’s indictment and Justin had resumed his art degree course. Brian was always telling him how good he was and that he’d get noticed, sometimes kidding Justin that his gift would take him far. Justin had heard what Brian had said and knew in the man’s heart that he was stating literally that. Brian feared that Justin’s gift would no doubt take him away from him. But if he ever mentioned it, Justin would take Brian’s chin in his fingers and bring the man around to face him and then he would kiss him deeply, hoping the love in that action would convey to Brian that he wouldn’t allow that to happen. He knew how much Brian had gambled and opened up to him and how much the man was taking a chance on love and whatever happened to Justin’s art in the future, the younger man had vowed it would never split them up. But that was then and though he didn‘t even want to think about it now, he was, of course, no longer under those constraints. Here at the studio, there were several completed paintings propped against the walls, but taking off his jacket and throwing it in a corner, Justin moved to the work surface in the middle of the room, where he was working on his latest piece. It was about two-thirds finished and he’d intended to put it in a show which was scheduled the following month and he knew he would have to get a move on in order to get it finished in time. Taking time off for the honeymoon was already going to set him back a couple of weeks. But then Justin’s heart flipped when he remembered. He wasn’t going away on honeymoon after all. But it hadn’t been the need to complete his work that had spurred Justin to come to the studio, it was the knowledge that whatever was thrown at him, he always had his art. The one thing he could rely on and through this medium, he would surely be able to purge his feelings of loss over Brian’s death and work through his increasingly confusing feelings of anger. At least that had been the plan. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Justin …” The knocking on the door stopped and then Daphne turned the handle, relieved to find it wasn’t locked and she opened it and looked in. It had been dark for over an hour, but there was hardly any light in the room, save for that from the streetlamp outside and she wasn‘t even sure that Justin was here. Opening the door wider, Daphne took another, tentative step and then began to feel along the wall for the light switch. “Please … don’t …” came the faint voice from somewhere further in the room. From the illuminated hallway behind Daphne, Justin could see what her intention was and at the moment, with the pain in his head making even speaking difficult, the last thing Justin needed right now was the room to be flooded with light. “Justin … are you okay?” asked Daphne, concerned for her friend and searching the darkness, she eventually managed to locate him, curled up in the one comfortable chair he’d installed there. “It … it’s just a migraine.” “Do you need anything?” Cautiously, Justin tried to shake his head, but apart from the need to keep his head still to avoid increasing the pain, he realized of course that Daphne couldn’t see him. “Careful you don‘t walk into anything … there’s a lamp … over to your left.” Justin swallowed, wishing the pounding would stop, but he was genuinely worried that Daphne might trip over something and hurt herself. Daphne closed the door behind her and then heeding Justin’s caution, she slowly crossed the floor, but almost bumped into the small table against the wall on which the lamp stood and she felt for the switch. “Got it.” Instinctively, Justin’s hand went up to shield his eyes, even though it was a very low light that was now emitted. And, in that subdued light, as Justin lowered his hand to look at her, Daphne could see how pale he was and how heavy his eyes looked. “You found me,” stated Justin, trying a faint smile and seeing the concerned look on Daphne’s face. “Your Mom’s really worried about you … and so am I …“ “You just went off without saying where you were going … and that was hours ago.” “But you knew where I’d be,” stated Justin, each of his words punctuated by a stabbing pain that seemed to make his head feel as if it didn’t belong to the rest of his body. “When there was anything bad going on … you always managed to lose yourself in your art,” observed Daphne and she heard Justin sigh. “Not this time,” came the quiet and despondent statement in response. Fully intending to work on his painting and for a short while at least, block everything else out, Justin had taken a deep breath and had reached out for one of his brushes. He then began to sort through his selection of acrylics, but couldn’t make up his mind which to choose. Frowning, he’d sat down on the high stool he sometimes used, wondering why it was so difficult to decide on the next color to add. For over three hours, Justin had sat there, staring at the canvas, brush in his hand as he tried to make some sort of decision how to proceed and then it got too dark to see. Whereas art was usually his savior, right now, he just couldn’t seem to focus on it at all and nothing seemed to come, as try as he might. Not only that, unable to keep the events of recent days from seeping into his thoughts, there was not one grain of comfort in it and the empty feeling inside persisted and the headache had started when he realized that he had absolutely no interest in completing his painting. It just didn‘t seem important any more. “Have you taken anything?” asked Daphne, and trying not to move his head, Justin answered her. “I haven’t got anything with me …” “Can you face getting in the car? I‘ll take you home.” “In a minute,” came Justin’s short response. Daphne frowned. There was obviously something going on in Justin’s head right now. Grief of course, but she had a feeling there was something else too and not just the pain from his migraine. And it seemed she was right. “What’s the point of all this?” he asked her, forcing out the words, despite his headache. “What?” “This … art … my art?” asked Justin and he carefully rubbed his forehead. “Justin … it’s what you do … it’s who you are,” stated Daphne, as she sat down on the arm of the chair. “Paint splashed onto canvas … any child … any chimpanzee could do it … it’s meaningless.” “Hardly,” answered Daphne, worried where all this was leading and hating just how negative Justin sounded right now. Sitting in the darkness, despite the throbbing in his head, Justin had been questioning the validity of what he did. What was its meaning in the big scheme of things? Art was surely in the eye of the beholder, so who was to say what was good and what wasn’t? It was such a personal view and choice and who the hell was he to think he was any good at it? “Am I absolutely crazy?” asked Justin. “Thinking I could ever make a career … a living … out of art?” “You’re not crazy,” stated Daphne, eager to reassure him. “You have talent … a real gift …” “You’re probably just having doubts because it’s difficult to focus right now … everything is so centered on Brian …” “Once the memorial is out of the way things will …” “Get back to normal?” questioned Justin as he interrupted her. “How can things ever get back to normal if I haven’t got Brian?” Daphne bit her lip, but then decided to say it anyway. “If you hadn’t got back with Brian … what would you have done? “What do you mean?” “I mean … if you two hadn’t been together … would you still be thinking you couldn’t make it with your art?” “I … I don’t know,” confessed Justin, frowning. “But before … I knew he WAS always there … in the background … just down the street or around the corner … if I ever really needed him … he’d be there for me.” “And now he isn’t … and I can’t help wondering if it’s really all worth it.” “Worth what, Justin?” asked Daphne, totally mystified by her friend’s apparent doubt about himself. “The bad feeling between Dad and me for one thing,” stated Justin. Brian’s premature death had made him start to think about his relationships and even though it wasn’t down to him, the fact that he and his father were no longer on speaking terms upset Justin more than he would ever allow the man to know. “If I’d agreed to go to Dartmouth …” “You’d still be his faggot son,” cut in Daphne and Justin sighed. “That sounds like something Brian would say.” “But it’s true … do you really think your Dad would accept who you are just because you agreed to get a business degree?” asked Daphne and Justin closed his eyes. The truth of the matter was that the answer was probably no, but that somehow, going to business school was a far more manly pursuit than studying art and, therefore, more acceptable to Craig Taylor. But it wouldn’t have made Justin any less gay. “But what if I don’t have what it takes … what do I do then?” asked Justin. “As it is I sat here for hours … trying to decide which fucking color I should use next,” and Daphne blinked at the harshness in Justin’s voice and just wished she could make it right for him. “I’m not surprised you can’t concentrate on anything,” she offered. “But I’ve always been able to bury myself in my art before … so why can‘t I now?” asked Justin and he frowned. “It’s still very early,” suggested Daphne and reaching out, she took her friend’s hand. “Give it a little longer.” “I guess,” sighed Justin and with Daphne’s help, he got to his feet, turned off the lamp and allowed Daphne to take him back to the loft, where a very relieved Jennifer couldn’t help herself and gave him a big hug before administering two Advil. But in actual fact, right now, a big hug was just what Justin needed. He couldn’t believe how he’d felt when he’d tried to start work on his painting. His art had never failed him before and he was genuinely concerned that he hadn‘t been able to concentrate on his work. He’d felt empty and devoid of inspiration, whereas he’d gone there thinking that if anything, his grief would be the incentive to put his feelings down in the best way he knew how. In the past, he’d always been able to work through his emotions with his art, but this time he just didn’t know where to start and right now he wasn‘t sure he wanted to ever again. Maybe Daphne was right and that after the memorial, things would start to get back to normal. But to Justin, in order to go on and survive, that would mean putting Brian out of his mind and almost as if he’d never existed and how in the hell could he do that. Even the prospect of making any sort of plans for the future and going on without him made Justin feel guilty and then ashamed to be even thinking there could possibly be a future without Brian. So many emotions were going through Justin right now and not just his grief. He hated to admit the thought had even crossed his mind, but his disappointment in Brian’s recklessness which cost the man his life was increasingly painful. Feelings that Justin tried not to even acknowledge kept permeating his brain, gnawing at him. He felt abandoned and hated what he now found himself dealing with. He was 22 for god’s sake. He hadn’t been expecting to deal with his partner’s death for many, many years and his anger that Brian had thrust this on him now threatened to rise up alarmingly from the depths that so far, Justin had forced it to remain within. But there was still any number of painful experiences waiting for him ahead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Unfortunately, for Joan Kinney, she couldn’t ignore Justin altogether, and the following morning, through her priest first telephoning Debbie, the young man was then contacted. Clothing was required for Brian to be buried in. Justin could hardly refuse her request. Brian had taken such great care about his appearance in life, he certainly couldn’t be denied it in death and he searched through Brian’s collection of designer-wear for shoes, underwear, shirt and tie. But really, there was only one suit Brian could fittingly be buried in, even though it broke Justin’s heart again to part with it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was Debbie who came to collect Brian’s wedding suit and the rest of the clothing the man was to be buried in, so that Justin didn’t have to deal directly with the priest. He informed his Mom that he wanted to sort through Brian’s things on his own. It was painful, but something he didn’t actually want to share with anyone else, even her and Jennifer had kissed him and said she understood. Eventually, Justin knew he would probably have to sort through all of Brian’s possessions and he dreaded the idea. Just having to go through his clothing was an ordeal in itself. Providing of course that Brian’s mother didn’t want to do that for herself. But somehow, Justin doubted she’d want anything to do with her son’s life once the funeral was over. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I know none of this is easy,” Debbie told him. “Losing someone you love is the hardest thing you ever have to deal with,” and she sat down on the bed. The bed itself was covered with the clothes that Justin had been sorting through. He’d wanted Brian to look his absolute best, even if it was to be a closed coffin and he’d passed over to her the most expensive of everything Brian had owned, but what was left wasn’t exactly shoddy. “What am I going to do with all of this?” asked Justin, indicating the selection of shirts, sweaters, pants and jeans, with many more still hanging in the closet or lying in the dresser drawers and he sat down heavily amongst the clothing. A terrible fatigue had suddenly come over him and Justin had closed his eyes and felt for the edge of the bed, needing to sit down before his legs gave way. And then shaking his head, he fought to gain his composure and he took a deep breath. The very thought of giving away Brian‘s things was abhorrent, but there was no real point in hanging on to his clothing and Justin sighed. “I suppose I could give it all to the homeless shelter …” Reaching out, Debbie picked up one of Brian’s shirts, a long-sleeved dark green Armani and she couldn’t suppress a chuckle. “We’ll have the best dressed down and outs in the state … damn … the whole country.” “He liked to look good,“ replied Justin and then his shoulders began to quake and he looked away. Having put the shirt back on the bed, Debbie placed her fingers beneath Justin’s chin and brought him around to face her. Looking into those usually beautiful blue eyes which were now red-rimmed and heavy with sorry and had dark circles beneath them, Debbie tried her best to smile and be positive. “You’ll get through this, Sunshine,” Debbie whispered to him. “We never know how we will … but we always find the strength,” but pulling away, Justin shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll EVER get through this.” “Once we decided we wanted to be together and get married … I thought I’d be with Brian forever,” and Justin closed his eyes as he fought to hold in his tears as Debbie soothingly brushed the back of his head with her hand. “You don’t have to hold it in on my account,” she told him, but sniffing, Justin sighed and shook his head. “I think I’m just about all cried out.” Debbie smiled, but didn’t like to say she doubted that very much, but there was something she did want to say. Something she hoped the young man might like to hear. “I never thought I’d ever see the day when Brian Kinney would fall in love … until you came along … though it did take him a fucking long time to get around to telling you,” and she couldn’t help chuckling at the memories she held of a young 17 year old, who’d set his sights on the older man and was determined to have him for himself. “And he did love you … you do know that now, don’t you Justin … the man told me as much … or rather it was what he didn‘t tell me …“ Debbie clearly recalled the conversation she’d had with Brian at Woody’s. Brian hadn’t told her that he loved Justin, but the fact was he couldn’t say that he didn’t and Debbie had known then for sure. But Justin hadn’t reacted to her statement and she frowned when the young man had remained silent. “Justin?” “I know,” came the whispered reply, but there was an edge to his voice that Debbie didn’t quite understand and glancing up at her and seeing Debbie’s confusion, Justin sighed. “If he loved me so much … why was he so fucking careless?” “Why did he leave me?” “Didn’t he stop to think about us … about me?” asked Justin and he closed his eyes and covered his face with his hand, ashamed at allowing his anger at Brian to escape. His other hand was resting on his knee and reaching out, Debbie squeezed it. “It isn’t unusual to feel a little angry when someone dies … in fact … it’s pretty normal.” Lowering his hand, Justin opened his eyes and blinked but didn’t comment further. But Debbie was right, mixed up with all the grief, was undoubtedly an ever increasing feeling of anger. Anger that Brian had been so fucking stupid with so little regard for his own life and had left him alone and with so much to cope with and Justin’s anger at himself for feeling that way was growing also. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It took an enormous effort on Justin’s part and he hated the way that he felt so drained and inept, though of course he wasn’t as useless as he feared, but it just seemed that way. With the arrangements and rehearsals for Brian’s memorial underway, he looked up at the enormous photograph of Brian that was hanging on the back wall of Babylon, reminiscent of the poster of Rage. And as well as the usual huge glitterball, the beams from the searchlights criss-crossed the ceiling. “Looks like when Elvis played Vegas,” chuckled Debbie, approvingly, as the techno guys made the checks on the sound system. Everything indeed had to be perfect for Brian’s memorial in surroundings he surely would have approved of. The church of Brian Kinney. Babylon; the place he’d once told Michael had defined them. Where better to congregate. “It’s going to be awesome,” smiled Emmett to Justin, as he put his arm around the smaller man’s shoulders. “I hope so, Em,” sighed Justin back at him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The day to say goodbye to Brian had finally arrived and the two occasions taking place in his honor could hardly be more different. Unlike most Irish-American families, there had been no wake at the Kinney household and Joan Kinney hadn’t even wanted Brian to rest at home and he’d remained at the funeral parlor. The service there was a rather somber and lonely affair, with only Joan, Claire, her sons and their priest present, the minister delivering a rather anonymous and impersonal eulogy. For anyone else of Brian’s acquaintance, this certainly would never have fitted the proud, successful gay man they all knew. On the other hand, Babylon would be full to bursting at the seams. Anyone who knew his reputation, young and old, especially young, gay man worth their salt wanted to attend the true memorial to Brian Kinney, with music, booze and lots of bare, well-toned flesh. And go-go boys. Angels with wings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The hearse made its way sedately to the cemetery, where the second short funeral service took place. No flowers had apparently meant exactly that, with Joan neither providing them or allowing them from anyone, not even Claire and even refused the offer of casting the handful of earth onto Brian’s casket once it had been lowered into the grave next to his father‘s. As far as Joan Kinney was concerned, her son might as well have died the moment he told her he was a homosexual. Even when she later asked him to see the light and renounce his sins, he’d sworn and ridiculed her and her church. And for that and that alone, she would never be able to forgive him. And then it was back home and back to business as usual, almost as if Brian had never existed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everyone had a drink in their hand when the music stopped and for two minutes, there was absolute silence throughout Babylon as an indication of total respect and then Justin spoke, barely able to disguise the sorrow in his voice and indeed, not bothering to. Brian was the love of his life, he was entitled to exhibit his loss and summoning up every ounce of strength and fortitude he possessed, the young man cleared his throat, but his voice still shook with emotion. “Today, we are here not to mourn a death … but to celebrate a life … a man who was willing to sacrifice everything he had for this community … our community,” and Justin remembered proudly how Brian virtually bankrupted himself in his attempt to prevent Police Chief Stockwell becoming Pittsburgh’s mayor. “A man who was so determined to show that not only would we survive everything that’s thrown at us … but that we’ll always bounce back … bigger and better … and stronger than before.” And indeed, Babylon itself was a testimony to that, following the bombing. “A man who lived life to the full … with no apologies and no regrets …” “Brian Kinney,” and Justin raised his glass in salute and his loved-one’s name resounded throughout the building as a thousand-fold glasses were raised and toasts consumed. And then the beams flashed across the ceiling, the music started and the strains of ‘Proud‘ filled the air. As the scantily-clad waiters passed among the dancers collecting empty glasses and with the thumpa-thumpa now pounding in his ears, Justin turned to face Brian’s photograph and raised his own glass to the image. “You’ll always be young … and you’ll always be beautiful,” whispered the young man with the tears in his eyes and the tightness in his stomach that had been with him all day and then he downed the last of his drink. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They all tried to keep a watchful eye on Justin, who’d already had a couple of drinks, but if there was one time he was entitled to drown his sorrows, then this was probably it. With much coaxing, Emmett had managed earlier to get him away from the bar and out onto the dance floor with a “What would Brian want you to do?“ ploy and Justin had sighed, but joined him amongst the hot and perspiring bodies until he finally let the music take him over, closing his eyes and reliving as many of his and Brian’s nights dancing together as he could possibly remember. Nights when it seemed they were the only two on the dance floor and Brian’s body would press against his and Justin would feel him grinding into him. Neither of them would be able to keep their hands off each other for long and then Brian would grin and grab him and lead him to the back room. Like the night not long after they’d first met and Justin had been so determined to make Brian notice him by luring away his tricks, resulting in Brian staking his claim on Justin and even lifting him up in a display of “He’s mine” and Justin had achieved what he‘d set out to. Brian just couldn‘t ignore him any longer. Or the nights they’d spent on the dance floor following their reunification, with the pain of the Rage party and Justin’s involvement with Ethan banished to the past. There was one dance of course, though not taking place at Babylon, that had been the most special of Justin’s life, not that he could remember much about it even now and that would always break his heart. That and seeing the pain in Brian‘s eyes when he tried to re-live the moment for him and the man telling him: “You should have been there.” Though there was the dance where Brian told him he’d make sure he’d remember, when he’d taken his young stud out into the middle of the crowds on Liberty Avenue as they celebrated ‘Pride’ and they‘d dance the night away out on the street. But the dance Justin remembered the most here and tonight, was when Brian had found him at Babylon’s bar and toasted his plans to go to Dartmouth and his bright shining future as Pittsburgh‘s next Andy Carnegie, rather than the next Andy Warhol: “After all the trouble I went to … to make you the best homosexual I could.” When Brian had told him that to give up everything he wanted for others was fucked up and bullshit. That he wasn’t responsible for his parents’ divorce and that they had caused their own pain, not him. Brian had told him he knew how scary it was to find your own way rather that doing what was expected and that on their first meeting, he’d been so sure Justin would have run back home, but had said instead: “I‘m going with him.” “I cannot believe that you remember that … considering you couldn’t remember my name,“ Justin had told him. “And look what happened,“ came the reply from the older man. “I turned into a big queer,“ confessed Justin. “Lucky for you … otherwise I wouldn’t be wasting my time,” Brian had informed him. “And it’s too late now … there’s no turning back,” and Brian had taken him out onto the dance floor to the strains of ‘Forever Young’. Justin sighed deeply as he remembered how Brian had shown him who he should be, but damned the irony that it was Brian who would now and for eternity be himself, forever young. And now, out on that very same dance floor, Justin’s heart broke into a million pieces at the final realization that there would never be any more nights like that and the ones they’d had weren’t nearly enough. Never again would he experience the ecstasy of having Brian’s body pressed against him or look at him with those beautiful hazel eyes as if no one else even existed. Nor would he know again, the man’s hot, yet tender kisses, a stroke of his hand or feel Brian inside him and now unable to see through the tears, Justin turned to leave the floor. No longer capable of hiding his despair and despite Emmett’s and everyone else’s attempts to console him, Justin blindly fought his way through the crowd and headed back to the bar, where he took up residence at the end of the counter for the rest of the night. Jennifer had been so determined not to be the over-anxious mother. After all, Justin was an adult and deserved to be treated as such, but she couldn’t resist putting an arm around his shoulders and giving him a gentle squeeze. “You are doing great,” stated Jennifer, her mouth close to her son’s ear and over the sound of the music. She was so proud of the way Justin was handling what was probably the most difficult occasion of his life, but Justin could only smile weakly at her through his tears. So then his friends and family decided to leave him to his thoughts for the moment, although Daphne slid onto the nearest stool. Close enough to keep watch him, but not close enough to be intrusive. Several more drinks were consumed, but then Justin realized he really didn’t want to drink himself into total oblivion and he allowed himself to be driven home to the loft by his Mom and Tucker, taking one final long look up at Brian’s huge face on the back wall of Babylon as he left. And, as Justin walked out the door, for all the world, Brian appeared to be looking down and watching him go, with the older man smiling in approval at the occasion. To be continued. With many, many thanks to Judy for her patience and endlessly talking over this fic with me and also to Lois for all her advice and assistance.