Fathers & Sons 'My God', thought Lindsay. 'What is it about a gorgeous guy and a baby? I know I'm a dyke, but Jesus, it is so sexy - such a turn on!' She was sitting on the edge of Brian's bed, watching him in the lounge area, where he was pacing slowly up and down, bare-footed across the polished wooden floor, cradling Gus in his arms, rocking him gently to sleep. It was the day after Jack's funeral and following Brian's outburst at the wake, Lindsay had wanted to check that he was doing okay. As if reading her thoughts, Brian looked back over his shoulder at her and smiled. "There", said Lindsay softly "I knew you'd have the knack". Slowly, Brian walked up the few steps to the raised bedroom area and sat down beside her, carefully, so as not to disturb the sleeping infant. "I still can't believe he's here and that he's mine", said Brian. "I would have fucked you, you know", he said, grinning at her. He and Lindsay had been friends since college, where they had even slept together on a few occasions, but both of them had known it wasn't right for either of them. "Brian! - I don't think Mel would have been too happy about that, do you?" said Lindsay. She and Melanie had been together now for six years and when they had decided they wanted a child and that it would be Lindsay who would be the birth Mother, she had insisted that Brian should be the father. A decision she knew would be the right one, despite Melanie's dislike of Brian. And here now was the side of Brian that not many people ever got to see. A part of him that he kept well under wraps and Lindsay had always wondered why. Did he see open displays of emotion and vulnerability as weaknesses? Probably. She'd heard how tough he'd had it as a kid and over the years it had seemed to her that he'd built so many defence mechanisms around himself to prevent anyone from getting too close, that she was afraid he was becoming isolated: distant. Gently, she placed a hand at the nape of his neck. "Are you okay, Brian - you know - after what's happened?" Brian looked at her. "It's been a really strange time for me, Lindz, that's for sure. In the space of a few months, I've become a Dad and my own Father died" he said. Jack Kinney had suffered from cancer and had passed away in hospital the week before. "The cycle of life" said Lindsay. "I guess,” he agreed. "Lindsay," he whispered, "this is so scary - this small life we've brought into the world. You know when you said you wanted a kid and that you wanted me to father it, I thought, sure, why not, what would it take? A few minutes jerking off and bingo! But it's not like that now, now that he's here". "I know. You're an okay Dad, Brian", said Lindsay softly, not wanting to wake Gus. "Well, you know Lindz that I could never be a full-time Dad, that's not me, but he's gonna know that I care about him - I am not like my old man", said Brian. Lindsay could see how close Brian was to tears. His outburst at the wake yesterday had taken them all by surprise, when his sister Claire had wanted to hear stories from everyone present about their Father. Well, Claire had got something she hadn't bargained on from Brian all right. The fact that their Father had wanted rid of him; had wanted him to be aborted. Brian had even told Lindsay that Jack seemed to enjoy telling him this fact throughout his childhood. "Brian, you will never be like Jack". "No!" said Brian quickly, remembering the many times his Father had come home drunk and sought him out for the sole purpose of using him as a punch bag. "I'd never lay a finger on Gus, you must believe that Lindsay. I know I've got a temper sometimes..…" "I should say. I've seen you go off on one on the odd occasion," she said, smiling. "Okay", said Brian. "But I would never hurt Gus". "I know you wouldn't, Brian", said Lindsay. "I trust you. I would never leave him alone with you otherwise, and besides, I want Gus to get to know his Father". "You love Gus", she continued. "That's plain for anyone to see, despite yourself and I'll never understand why you think you can't let people know how you feel". "It's just not that easy for me Lindsay", said Brian, "so let's drop it, okay?" The baby gurgled softly, contentedly nestled in his Father's arms. "You know, I don't think Mel and I ever really thanked you properly for signing over your parental rights to Gus. That meant a lot, to both of us, even if Melanie hasn't said as much", said Lindsay. Signing over his rights to Gus had hurt Brian more than he would ever let on. He knew now that Lindsay and Mel were not obliged to let him have any access to his son at all. They could move out of Pittsburgh, inter-state, or even out of the country and he wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. But Gus deserved to have both his loving Mom’s together, to be there for him. At the time, Lindsay and Mel had been going through a rough patch and Brian’s offer to sign away his rights on the condition they see sense and get back together had been the price he’d had to pay. "Hey", said Lindsay softly, now placing her arm around Brian's shoulders for comfort; "it is okay to grieve for your Dad. I know you think he never loved you, but I actually think he was a little proud of you, you know, at the end". Brian looked at her. "How the hell do you make that out Lindsay?" he asked. "When I told him I was gay, he said I should have been the one dying - not him”. "I know", she replied, "and it must have been terrible for you to hear him say that, but from what you've told me about him, how he lived, you never let him beat you down, you became successful and you've always been your own man and he knew that". Sure thought Brian. Jack appreciated a successful son all right. Useful when the money ran out and it was still a week 'til payday. Still, his Father had come to the loft that day, after Brian had visited him and told him he had a faggot for a son. He’d even brought with him a photograph, which he thought Brian might like to keep. One of Jack holding him when he was about four months old, not much different to the child now lying in Brian's own arms. By chance, Lindsay had been at the loft that evening with Gus. The only time Jack got to hold his Grandson. 'What is it with fathers and sons?' thought Brian, allowing a wave of grief to flow over him. But the grief he felt was for the relationship that he’d never had with his Father: that now could never be, not for the passing of the man himself. "Well", said Brian, looking down at Gus, feeling the tears welling in his eyes. "this is one kid who's gonna know his Father cares, and we'll be just fine, won’t we - sonny boy". The end. 5th March 04