Chapter 3: “So ... I guess you must be feeling a little better,” stated Brian, still staring at his cell and only now conscious of Jamie's hand on his arm and he wondered exactly what the young man had said to Justin. Brian frowned and slowly pulled away from Jamie's hold, much to the younger man's annoyance. Justin had sounded pretty pissed that Jamie was at the loft, considering they were free to see whoever they wanted. Thank God he didn't know Brian was supposed to have been going to NYC and hadn't been able to because he'd ended up babysitting. Justin might not understand why Brian felt he had to. But then Justin hadn't grown up with an abusive drunk as a Father. Sure, Craig Taylor had hit his son and wanted nothing to do with him once he'd come out and refused to change his lifestyle, but at least Justin had grown up in a safe and loving environment, whereas Brian well understood how it felt to be a kid and scared stiff that your old man was going to seek you out and use you as a punching bag again. At last he looked at Jamie; the young man still had puffy eyes, but he did have some color and looked a whole lot better than he had the night before. “Yeah ... I managed to get some real sleep at last,” Jamie answered him and moving in closer and keeping Brian's gaze. “I think it's being around you ... you make me feel safe ...” “Good ... then if you're up to it ... we should get you in to see a counselor at the crisis center ... and then find you somewhere to live,” Brian pulled away again and going into the kitchen area, he put on the water for coffee. Jamie panicked; he had to delay things if he was going to stay here and move this relationship along. “Please Brian ... I don't think I can face anyone yet ... answer all their dumb questions ... and why can't I stay here with you ... I really don't want to be on my own right now,” Jamie stated, but Brian shook his head. “The loft really isn't big enough ... and I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to ... when it comes to this sort of thing,” answered Brian and he scratched the back of his head as he returned to the bedroom to start dressing and wondering to himself when was he ever any good at dealing with trauma. He'd never been able to handle his own; suffered at the hands of his Father or after Justin's bashing. He'd worn the bloodied scarf for weeks beneath his clothing until Justin had found it and removed it; hoping too that he was removing any perceivable guilt Brian felt for causing his injury. Brian's way of dealing with Justin's attack had led to more drugs, more booze and more guys. He never could talk through his problems, refusing to recognize them and always afraid he would give himself away somehow. Believing any show of emotion would make him vulnerable: would make him acknowledge his fears and his pain. In the end, he and Justin had healed each other; that night at the loft. It was the first time they'd made love after the assault. Words not needed; just touching and being together. Their bodies, hearts and minds were joined as one, with Brian's usually well-hidden sensitivity and Justin's vulnerability echoing their first time. Brian frowned as he realized how well he empathized with Jamie and that if it hadn't been for Michael and Debbie, he might once have felt just as desperate as this young man obviously had: he could have ended up the same way. And, not for the first time, did it cross Brian's mind that maybe the reason he was trying to help Jamie was because he hadn't been able to help Justin immediately after the bashing. It was a way of putting things right. Jamie watched as Brian dressed and wondered how long he could keep this act up for. He'd made as much noise as he could when he'd gone to the bathroom and had only slashed his wrist when he saw Brian begin to stir and then he'd headed into the shower. Although the cut hadn't been deep, it had hurt like hell and he was grateful he hadn't had to wait long before Brian found him. It had been such a stroke of luck that he'd told Brian his Father had beat him up; Jamie couldn't believe it when Brian admitted his own had done the same thing. It must really have struck a chord with the older man and Jamie could see the remembered pain of a troubled childhood in Brian's eyes and now he was sure they had a bond. Jamie knew Brian identified with him; felt sorry for him probably and maybe even some sort of responsibility considering what Jamie had done in the man's bathroom. If he played his cards right, Jamie was pretty confident he could play on Brian's past and take him for plenty. He would tell him there was no way he could go back and front up to his Dad and if Brian was adamant about him not staying at the loft, well maybe he could get a decent place and Brian pay most, if not all, of the rent 'until he got back on his feet again'. In the meantime, Jamie was planning to worm his way further into Brian's life, especially as he was sure Justin was pretty pissed to find Brian had someone there with him. With any luck, he was out of the picture now and he grinned to himself. He was already wearing Justin's clothes even if he wasn't particularly fond of numbered tees and very soon he'd have his boyfriend too. Jaime was determined that now he'd broken through the barrier Brian seemed to have put up after thinking they'd been together that night, that they would be together for real. He was sure he could make Brian want him, at least until he'd managed to accumulate enough funds or possessions and then move on to the next dumb sucker. And if nothing else, he was sure he could get Brian to pay for rooms and set him up with some new clothes and maybe even a car. He would tell Brian he couldn't face going home to collect any of his things as he was sure the man would be willing to pay for some new ones. After all, he could well afford it. Brian was still pulling on his tee when the buzzer sounded and clearly annoyed at the possibility of an intrusion, he padded down the steps and across the polished wooden floors to the entry system and agitated, he pressed the button; one thing he didn't need right now was visitors. “Who is it?” he barked into the speaker. “It's Michael,” came the answer and Brian closed his eyes, but didn't reply. “Brian ... are you gonna let me in ... it's frigging cold out here ...” Brian sighed and pushed the button releasing the exterior door and slid open the metal door to the loft, waiting for Michael's arrival. It was no good trying to put him off; it would only make Michael more curious to know what was going on. “Has the code been changed?” asked Michael, as he stepped out of the elevator; normally he could get in the external door no problem. “What do you want Mikey ... don't you have a store to open?” asked Brian, without answering his friend's question. “Well good morning to you too,” came the reply and Brian stood in the doorway; blocking Michael's entry into the loft. Looking over Brian's shoulder, Michael could see the young man standing in the middle of the floor, dressed in only a tee and shorts and Michael looked back at Brian. Brian momentarily closed his eyes and then turned back towards Jamie. “Why don't you go and clean up,” “I can't take a shower,” stated Jamie and he held up his bandaged wrist. Brian sighed and going over to a kitchen cupboard pulled out a food bag and some tape from a drawer; tearing off a length as he crossed the floor to Jamie. “Hold out your hand,” he instructed and putting the food bag onto Jamie's hand and pulling it up past the bandage, Brian fixed the tape around his forearm. “There ... now you can take a shower.” Michael had stepped into the loft and closed the door; Jamie looked from him to Brian and seeing the annoyance in Brian's face and hearing it in his tone, he turned around slowly and headed for the bathroom as the man obviously wanted him out of the way while Michael was there. “Isn't that one of Justin's tees?” asked Michael after Jamie had closed the door behind him as Brian tossed the reel of tape onto the counter. “Will you keep your voice down,” Brian instructed him and lowering his own. “It's not what you think, Mikey,” he stated. “Oh ... and what ... and what should I think?” answered Michael, eventually remembering to lower his voice. “You were supposed to be going to Justin's show ... you know ... the man whose hand you asked in marriage ...” and they heard the water come on in the shower. “But instead you're still here ... and with him ... don't you know how upset Justin would be that you didn't go ...” “Then it's just as well Justin doesn't know I was,” stated Brian and he looked at Michael, who glanced away. “Shit ...” muttered Brian; understanding Michael's awkward expression. “Who told him?” Michael shook his head. “That's not important ... he was trying to get hold of you ... it just came out ...” “And then when you didn't show up and he couldn't raise you ... he rang the club ... Ted was helping out behind the bar ... someone had to ... the new barman was M.I.A. ...” Brian turned his back on Michael and walking into the kitchen, reached out for the cups, which he placed on the counter as his friend continued his chastisement. “Ted and Em drove by the loft and saw the lights on and your car still outside ... it didn't take a genius to work out you were still here ... and had company ...” “So Ted called you ... and you thought you'd call Justin and tell him ...” stated Brian, sarcastically, but Michael shook his head. “No ... Ted did,” and he saw Brian close his eyes. “What was he supposed to do? Justin was worried sick about you ... ringing the airlines and the hospitals ... you obviously weren't going to call him ...” “Considering he wasn't supposed to know I was coming ... I didn't think I had to,” stated Brian; hoping the noise from the shower would prevent Jamie from overhearing. “So ... are you going to call him?” asked Michael, but Brian shook his head. “He called shortly before you came over ...” “And ... did you give him a reason why you didn't go to New York?” Brian shrugged. “He didn't give me a chance ... I was in the bathroom ... Jamie answered ..” “Oh great ... so not only do you not go to New York for Justin's show ... Justin got to talk to your latest trick ... and what the fuck's all that about ... with the bandaged wrist?” “Jamie got into a beef with his Dad ... he was hurt and pretty desperate ... not that I have to explain anything to you,” came back Brian. “His Dad beat him up?” Michael asked him and Brian nodded. “He didn't have anywhere to go ... I found him sleeping in the store room at the club ...” “Christ Brian ... if you start going around rescuing every kid who's beaten up by his Father ...” and now it was Michael who sighed. “Just 'cos your Dad beat on you ... doesn't make you responsible for him ...” and he gestured in the direction of the bathroom and looking back he saw the expression on Brian's face. “What?” Brian frowned. “Jamie used the blade from my razor to cut his wrist ... if I hadn't woken up in time ...” and he rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb. “And you think that means you owe him something?” asked Michael. “No,” answered Brian and then he hesitated. “I don't know ... sort of ... maybe ...” and Brian sighed. “But one thing I'm pretty sure about is that I understand him ... where he's coming from,” he stated. “I guess,” answered Michael. “But doesn't it strike you as strange that you're drawn to helping this guy who bears a more than passing resemblance to Justin?” Brian put down the coffee pot he'd picked up, without pouring out their drinks and stared at his friend. “What are saying, Mikey ... that I'm looking for his replacement?” “Well ... you know the old song ... if you can't be with the one you love ...” “I don't love Jamie ... I have no feelings for Jamie whatsoever,” insisted Brian. “So you say,” challenged Michael. “Then why didn't you take him to the hospital or the crisis center?” “You don't have to play Rage to his JT ... you've already done that ... don't you think once is enough?” Brian opened his mouth and was about to answer when they heard the water stop; forcing Brian to lower his voice again. “This is different ...” “Are you sure? Sounds to me like you're still taking some of the blame ...” For a moment, Brian stared at Michael, before briefly closing his eyes and then he looked down at the counter; Michael's words hitting home. There was a moment's uneasy silence between them and then Michael spoke again. “What are you going to do with him ... is he staying here?” Brian shook his head and looked up at his friend. “No ... he's not,” Brian answered him curtly and then he sighed. “But I'm gonna have to find him somewhere soon ... something tells me he's not gonna want to go back to his folks ...” Michael couldn't resist a chuckle. “Where the hell is this all coming from?” “What?” “All this compassion and concern for your fellow man ... you're not going soft are you?” “No,” stated Brian quietly but firmly; and then a twinkle appeared in his eyes. “At least not where it counts ...” Michael smiled back at him. “I guess finally admitting you're able to love someone can do this sort of thing huh?” “And what sort of thing is that?” asked Brian as he finally poured out their drinks. “Make you more sensitive to the needs of others ... admit that it is okay to care about people,” stated Michael, as he picked up one of the cups. “Fuck you, Mikey ... you'll have me helping little old ladies across the street next,” exclaimed Brian; exasperated that his friend should think him capable of any act of kindness or sensitivity: it would completely ruin his reputation. But Brian frowned; of course there was more than a grain of truth in what Michael said. His friends hadn't always seen it of course, but Brian had put other's needs before his more times than anyone would ever know. If anything, Brian's generosity had always been the purest kind, because he'd never expected anything in return. He just didn't want anyone to know about it and would certainly never acknowledge it. Brian took a swallow of his own drink. Michael had been right again of course in that he had taken at least some of the blame for Justin's bashing; believing he'd made the young man a target by openly displaying their relationship. But was he really feeling a certain amount of guilt over Jamie also? Brian had wondered whether he should have taken him to the hospital or shelter right away instead of bringing him home or watched over him more closely: he was obviously pretty upset. If Brian hadn't woken up when he did, he might have a dead young man on his hands and he sighed. “What the fuck am I gonna do with him?” asked Brian. “He can't stay here,” and he took a swallow of his drink. “That's a relief,” answered Michael and then he frowned. “Well ... I'd have to run it passed Ben first ...” and Brian looked hopefully at his friend and raised an eyebrow. “As much as it grieves me ... I have to admit ... you did good with Hunter ... even if you did turn him straight,” stated Brian, smiling mischievously; typically giving a compliment and then taking it away again in order to hide his sincerity. Michael chose to ignore Brian's comment and took it for the praise it was really meant as. “I should really talk to Hunter too,” he stated. “I'll call him ... the field trip doesn't finish for a few more days yet ... but he's family ... he should be consulted,” Brian put his hand on his heart. “I would be forever indebted to you,” “Hmmm,” muttered Michael and narrowing his eyes; somehow he doubted it. “And I'll pay for his keep ... at least until he gets more work,” Brian continued and taking another swallow of coffee, Michael then put down his own cup. “Let me talk to Ben and Hunter before you tell Jamie ... I'll ring you later ... but it might not be until tomorrow ... depending when I can get hold of Hunter,” and at that moment, Jamie came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist; he'd taken the plastic food bag off his hand and was drying his hair. Michael frowned and then reached out and put his hand on Brian's arm. “I'll get back to you,” But before he could pull away, Brian drew him in for a hug. “Thanks ... for caring ... and ... and for looking out for Justin,” he whispered in Michael's ear; his initial anger at his friend's intrusion now forgotten and pleased that Michael at last considered Justin a friend worth caring about. Michael pulled back and looked at him. “Call him and explain,” he instructed quietly before moving away and Brian smiled weakly; knowing that was exactly what he should do, but he wasn't quite sure how he would explain his sudden concern for another young man when he wasn't entirely sure he understood it himself. Michael slid open the door and stepped out in the hall and Brian stepped forward. “You just be careful,” stated Michael, quietly so that Jamie wouldn't hear and Brian nodded as he closed the door behind him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin had gotten hardly any sleep; even after Ted let him know that Brian appeared to be okay. But he did doze off for a while before making the call where he finally got through to him. And afterwards, finally picking himself up off the floor and pulling himself together, he ran his scratched hands under the cold water in the kitchen sink as he attempted to make sense of it all. He looked at his hands and sighed with relief. There was no real harm done, they would soon heal and he showered and drank several cups of strong coffee while he tried to process what was happening between him and Brian. He'd always known the separation was going to be difficult, but he'd still thought of them as a couple, however unconventional and had assumed that Brian always would too. Tricks Justin could deal with, but there was something in that young man's voice when he'd answered Brian's cell that said he knew he had some sort of standing where Brian was concerned; referring to Justin as his ex, as if Brian had voiced his doubts about them and had talked about their relationship in a way that suggested he'd moved on. Justin frowned; if he'd called the loft and someone else answered, well, that wouldn't be the end of the world. After all, they'd agreed that seeing other guys wouldn't be a problem and Justin would have been relieved that Brian was getting on with his life while he wasn't there to share it with him. But having been told that Brian had made arrangements to come out to NYC to his show and then had been worried sick that he hadn't arrived, only to call the loft and be told by some guy that you'd been discarded; abandoned: it had been too much to bear. He felt as if he'd been broken in two. Obviously, something far more important had come up which had prevented Brian from getting on that plane and Justin knew exactly what that had been. Justin groaned when he remembered he was supposed to be going in for the breakfast shift at the bar and grill before going back to the gallery later, so he called in to say he was sorry he was going to be so late. Anton chuckled; he wasn't surprised and presumed that following the show, Justin was probably on such a high he hadn't been able to sleep and told him that if he didn't want to, he needn't come in. Justin said thanks, but that he would still be there when he finally got his head together. He had to go into work and try and make up the lost hours: he needed all the shifts he could get now. Some pretty well connected people had expressed an interest in buying some of his art last night; people whom Justin had been introduced to at Marvin's soirée. But until the sales actually materialized he couldn't rely on it and Justin had to get every cent together he could in order to pay Brian back all he owed: from his aborted education down to the purchase of his painting that allowed the shipping of his artwork from the Pitts. Suddenly, Justin wondered whether their relationship was anything more than a financial arrangement and though Justin didn't like to admit it, the pain in his chest told him that he and Brian were probably over. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chloe knew the moment Justin walked in that something was wrong. She'd been studying for an exam and hadn't been able to get to the opening night of the show, but as son as he came in the door she could see that he'd obviously not slept well. But considering he'd just had his first NYC show, that wasn't unexpected: she'd assumed he'd be out afterwards partying. But Chloe also wondered whether those usually bright blue eyes were now red only from lack of sleep. “Justin ... are you okay?” Chloe asked him quietly and putting a hand on his shoulder, but he couldn't answer her and merely waved away her concern. Anton had been reading the morning paper and drinking his coffee at the other end of the bar now the morning rush was over and he too had seen the young man's expression. Justin had mouthed his apologies for being late and Anton had answered that he was forgiven on this occasion, but then Anton looked at him more closely. Justin certainly didn't seem like someone who's first show was turning out to be the success that Anton had seen for himself, but thinking about it, he had been a little quiet on the way home. Maybe whatever was wrong had something to do with whoever had sent him that arrangement of roses. It must have cost a fortune and he'd seen Justin's delighted expression turn to worry during the evening every time he looked at it. They almost had a problem getting the display into the car when Anton offered to stay and run Justin home and even though they'd become friends, Anton thought it was unlikely the younger man would open up in front of him. But he'd seen how close Justin and Chloe had become and she was probably someone who Justin would talk to right now, so Anton decided to withdraw and he picked up his cup. “I've got some paperwork I should be doing ... I'll be in the office if anyone wants me,” he called to them and he inclined his head towards Justin and Chloe nodded; she knew Anton was leaving them alone so they could talk and so she went over to the coffee pot and poured both Justin and herself a cup. “Come on ... spill,” she instructed as she placed the cup on the counter and taking Justin by the elbow, pulled him down onto the stool beside her. Justin lent his elbows on the counter and covered his face with his hands; he sighed. “Brian?” asked Chloe. “Why was I so stupid to think I could come to New York and we could still make it work? It's fucking impossible,” and Justin groaned and rubbed his face before picking up the cup and taking a sip of the hot, strong coffee. “What happened?” asked Chloe and Justin shook his head. “He sent me this huge arrangement of roses ...” Chloe grinned. “Anton told me ... said they must have cost a small fortune and that you almost couldn't get them in the car,” Justin nodded. “They were beautiful,” he admitted. “But so typical of Brian ... he couldn't just send me a bouquet ... it had to be the biggest and the most expensive ...” “And that's what upset you?” cut in Chloe, confused and Justin shook his head. “No ... it ... it was wonderful to get them ... despite my allergies,” he admitted. “Because Brian never bought me flowers before ... he never used to be able to do anything romantic ... though I suppose ...” and Justin stopped and frowned. “What?” asked Chloe and Justin looked over at her. “I mentioned off-hand what my dream house would be like ... and he went and bought it ...” “He bought you a house?” asked Chloe, her eyes wide in amazement. Justin had to smile. “More like a mansion ... with stables and a pool ...” “Christ ... give me his number ... so what if he's a fag ... I'll work on him ...” stated Chloe and she shook her head in disbelief as she took a swallow of her own drink. She looked over at Justin, whose smile had disappeared as he stared into his coffee cup. “So ... apart from buying you a mansion and the biggest floral display you've ever seen ... what did Brian do that got you this upset?” Justin frowned. “We agreed it didn't matter if we both saw other guys ... that it didn't mean anything ...” “I thought that was rule number one of the gay-guy's handbook,” chuckled Chloe and Justin smiled again, though weakly; “Practically ... but when I called Brian to thank him for the flowers I couldn't get him ... I called his P.A. ... she told me Brian had arranged to take time off work so he could come to New York ... to the show ... and that they weren't expecting him back for a few days ...” “But he didn't turn up and I was worried sick ... I called the airlines and the hospitals ... and the club he owns ... there was no sign of him ...” “He owns a club too?” Chloe was fast beginning to wonder if Justin hadn't lost his mind; leaving someone like Brian behind in Pittsburgh while he struggled to make it alone and in a strange city and then Justin nodded. “Yeah ... a dance club ... Babylon ... and then a friend of ours called and said it looked like Brian hadn't gone anywhere ... and that a new barman had gone missing ...” “This morning I managed to get through on Brian's cell and this guy ... Jamie I think ... answered ... called me 'Brian's ex' ... like I was yesterday's news ...” “Obviously Brian thought staying in the Pitts and fucking Jamie was preferable to flying to New York to be with me at my first show ...” “You might not have the whole story,” Chloe warned him. “Especially if he wasn't aware you knew he was supposed to be coming out here,” but Justin shook his head. “Maybe ... but even if I haven't got the whole story ... it's pretty much an old one ... taking me for granted ... his fall-back plan ...” and Chloe heard the catch in Justin's voice. “But he told me he loved me ... Christ ... we were even going to get married ...” “Wow ... that is serious,” stated Chloe, only now realizing why Justin would be so upset. “We decided we didn't need to ... but I really thought if the choice had been between staying in Pittsburgh with some trick ... or coming out to see my show like he'd said ... that he would have chosen me ...” “I would have chosen him,” stated Justin and Chloe put her hand on his arm. “Why don't you call him again ... see what he has to say?” she asked him, but Justin shook his head. “I think it's up to Brian to call me now ... but I doubt he will” and then Brian's words of several years before ran through his head: when Brian was going to leave for New York. Maybe he was right; when you've walked away, maybe you should never look back but instead accept your decision to move on and forget who and what you've left behind. “I think we're finished ...” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ With Jamie's own tee bloodstained, Brian once again found him something to wear from the clothing Justin had left at the loft. A longer sleeved orange tee this time, which was a little tight on the younger man, but Jamie secretly liked the way it hugged his figure. “Thanks ... I hope Justin won't mind me wearing his things,” stated Jamie, innocently and Brian had shaken his head. “I wouldn't think so ... that one's actually pretty old,” and Brian had looked down at the tee, clutching the garment and hesitating before he handed it over. Justin had always looked good in that one, but he'd outgrown it now and no longer had the body of a kid and instead had developed quite a nicely defined build: the body of a man. Jamie took the tee and said nothing further, deciding not to ask too much about Justin right now: he didn't want to remind Brian, who might very well be missing his old boyfriend, of his existence. Carefully rubbing his bandaged wrist, Jamie asked Brian if he was going into work, looking anxious and hopping from one foot to the other as he waited for the man's answer. Brian looked at him and then shook his head; seeing the obvious relief in Jamie's face that he wasn't going to leave him. Brian didn't bother calling the office as they weren't expecting him and any way, he'd already changed his schedule or arranged for Ted to fill in for him. In any case, he was sure Michael would report back that he was at the loft and that Ted was right in thinking Jamie was with him. But what the fuck did it really have to do with anyone else who he spent his time with and Jamie's situation was nobody's business but his. And seeing Jamie's still relatively agitated state, Brian relented and decided not to push him into seeing the counselor for another day and after a late breakfast, tried to finish the work he'd started before while Jamie settled down on the sofa to watch daytime T.V. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I think we're finished ...” “Do you really mean that?” asked Chloe, frowning at him and Justin groaned. “I don't know ... I don't want us to be ... but at the moment what can I do?” “Talking to someone on the other end of the phone isn't the same as seeing them face to face ... hearing what they're saying and seeing it are two different things ... and Brian's a task master at telling you one thing when everything else about him is saying something else ...” “He's more than likely to tell me I should concentrate on my art and forget all about him ... reasoning that my moving out here was some sort of unconscious choice on my part to leave him altogether anyway ... and give up on our relationship ...” “Jesus ... how do either of you ever understand what each other is really saying?” asked Chloe and Justin couldn't resist a chuckle. “It isn't easy ... talking is something we were only just getting around to doing when I left.” “How long have you actually known each other?” asked Chloe and Justin smiled. “I met Brian when I was 17.” “17? And you're only just getting around to conversation?” Justin grinned at Chloe's confusion. “Let's just say we didn't always need words ...” Despite his misery, Chloe saw the sparkle that now lit Justin's eyes and she returned the grin. “I take it he's hot?” “The hottest,” replied Justin and then he sighed. “I fell in love with him the first time I saw him ...” Justin took a quick breath and muttered under his breath. “Fuck ...” He closed his eyes and put his hand up to his forehead and Chloe could see Justin's mind was whirring; his confusion preventing any form of rational thinking. “If you love him ... then are you gonna let him get away that easy?” she asked him and slowly, Justin opened his eyes and turned to look at her; he blinked as he tried to clear his mind. “Right now I have to stay here and do this ... it's what Brian's expecting me to do ... it's what I need to do ...” “But is it what you want to do?” asked Chloe. “If it means being apart from the man you say you love?” “If we can't be apart ... for how ever long this takes ... if we can't trust that our relationship will survive this ... then what does it matter what I want or need?” asked Justin. “We either love each other or we don't ... and at the moment I'm not really sure how Brian still feels about me ...” “Well unless you talk to him ... how are you gonna know ... and one of you is going to have to make the first move ...” Justin shook his head. “I know ... but at the moment I've got enough going on with the show ... it's my first and could be really important ... the break I need ... I really can't get my head around me and Brian right now ... Shit ... I don't need this ...” “Doesn't sound like you're gonna be any good here either,” stated Anton, who'd walked up behind them as he was making his way to get a fresh coffee and he put his hand on Justin's shoulder. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but he was concerned and had stood quietly for a few minutes and overheard their conversation. “Go to the gallery ... or ... better still ... go and paint ... with so much going on inside you right now I'd be surprised if you weren't able to get something down on canvas,” continued Anton and Justin closed his eyes; the words of a fellow artist ringing true. “When I had things happening that I couldn't figure out ... I always found that was the best thing for me ... to work out I was feeling in my art ... and I wasn't anywhere near as good as you,” confessed Anton and he squeezed the younger man's shoulder: Justin opened his eyes. “You're right ... before when I had stuff going on I found that's what worked for me too ...” “Then what are you waiting for?” asked Anton and Justin smiled. “If you're sure ...” “I'd rather have you back here when you've cleared your head,” stated Anton, smiling and who couldn't disguise his surprise when Justin slid off the stool and hugged him and then hugged Chloe; Justin's blue eyes moist with gratitude. “Thanks ... when I came to New York ... I never expected to make friends ... good friends ...” Chloe felt tears coming into her own eyes and started to search in her pockets for a handkerchief. “Get outta here ...” instructed Anton, hoping Justin would move away before he too needed to blow his nose and Justin smiled as he went to grab his jacket and make his way to his studio. He would have to get to the gallery later, but he had a few good hours left to concentrate on his painting if he hurried and try and work out how he felt and what he was going to do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian worked until early evening on a couple of current and prospective clients. He liked to do a lot of research for himself before trying to put any new campaign together and always enjoyed how impressed people seemed to be when they realized he'd done his homework on their companies and products. But as far as Brian was concerned research was an accepted part of the job; his professionalism never in question. Looking over, he was glad to see Jamie still dozing on the sofa and hopefully the young man was beginning to calm down. Brian blinked heavily, his eyes starting to smart from staring at the PC screen for so long and he yawned as he looked at his watch. He hadn't realized it had gotten so late, but then his stomach growled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten anything since their late breakfast and neither had Jamie. Brian would have to wake the young man shortly and see what take-out he wanted for dinner, but he really wanted to finish this last idea he had first. Then later, Brian knew he must try and catch some shuteye himself; he'd not had any decent sleep since Jamie had been at the loft and he really hoped Michael would have some good news about the young man's accommodation soon. Then, with Jamie settled, Brian could get his head around what the hell he was going to do about Justin. Finally, Jamie stirred and slowly stretched his arms up and over his head, having gotten a little stiff lying on the sofa and he tilted his head first one way and then the other to try and ease the tension. “At last ... sleeping beauty ...” at the sound of Brian's voice, Jamie looked back over his shoulder at him and grinned; reveling in hearing Brian utter something which seemed like a term of endearment towards him. “Are you hungry ... do you want me to order anything in yet?” Brian asked him but Jamie shrugged. “I don't mind ... whenever you're ready ...” “Okay ... when I've finished up here,” replied Brian and getting up slowly from the sofa, Jamie stretched his back. “Then is it okay if I take a shower first?” he asked Brian; Jamie feeling a little sticky having been asleep and cooped up all day in the warmth of the loft. “Go for it,” answered Brian; still concentrating on his work and it was just some 10 minutes later when Jamie reappeared and he watched Brian working from his vantage point in the bedroom. Dressed only in a towel, Jamie started to wander around the loft; only now really seeing it for the first time and he ran his hand along the kitchen counter, taking in the top of the range kitchen appliances and noting the expensive, if minimalist, furniture. Brian obviously had style and expensive tastes. Justin had really known what he was doing, taking up with him and Jamie was even more determined to get some of this for himself. He glanced over at Brian and studied him. The older man looked a little tired and hunched up the way he was sitting. “Tell you what ... why don't I pour you a drink? I bet you've been working all day,” stated Jamie and he made his way towards the side table. “Brian?” Looking up away from the screen, Brian saw where Jamie was indicating and thought for a moment before nodding. “Why not ... I'll have ...” “A Beam,” stated Jamie, not waiting for the other man to complete his sentence and he smiled at him, remembering Brian's favorite drink of choice from his nights at Babylon. Brian returned his smile and then turned his attention back to the screen. Jamie poured out a very large shot for Brian but decided he wouldn't have anything for himself as he wanted to make sure he had a clear head and he took the drink over to Brian and placed it beside him; Jamie needing to try and get the man to relax and let down his defenses for what he had in mind. “Thanks ... you not having anything?” asked Brian and Jamie shook his head. “No ... I'm okay,” and Brian picked up his glass and took a large swallow and closed his eyes as he felt the liquid burn its way down into his empty stomach before placing the glass back on the desk; Jamie walking around the desk so that he was now standing behind him. “What are you working on?” asked Jamie as he now looked over Brian's shoulder at the computer screen; putting one hand on the back of the man's chair and the other on the desk beside Brian's as he did so: almost touching him. Jamie's soft, still damp blond hair brushed against Brian's cheek and Brian could smell the shampoo. He blinked and with the younger man this close, Brian suddenly found he couldn't breath as he recognized the fragrance. It had to be Justin's shampoo; Jamie must have found it in the bathroom cabinet. Brian closed his eyes and swallowed. Almond and coconut; that was one of the smells that he always associated so closely with Justin and he found himself mysteriously struggling to answer Jamie's question and he cleared his throat. “It's ... it's some preliminary work ... on a follow-up campaign ... for Brown Athletics ...” and Brian took a deep breath as Jamie straightened up. Then, taking another large swallow of Beam and emptying the glass, Brian put his hand up to the back of his neck and leaned his head back; he'd been sitting at the computer far too long. “I can do that for you,” stated Jamie and before Brian could answer, he felt Jamie's cool fingers running upwards through his hair and he found himself closing his eyes as the younger man's hands started to knead out the knot at the back of Brian's neck; trying to relieve the tension he felt there. With a combination of far too little sleep, too much work and not a little alcohol on an empty stomach, Brian found himself starting to drift off under Jamie's ministrations; feeling the pleasurable effects of hands that now applied a firm pressure and he took a deep breath and suddenly found himself smiling. Brian had often massaged Justin's hand when it cramped and then the younger man would return the compliment by giving Brian's neck, and various other parts of his anatomy, a massage; Brian grinning as he told Justin that it was good exercise for him and Justin had grinned back as his fingers worked the magic Brian had hoped they would. But now the smile faded on Brian's lips as that all seemed such a long time ago and how he'd missed Justin's touch. But surprisingly, Jamie's touch, though firm, was gentle and soothing too as he pushed his thumbs up Brian's neck and then down and between his shoulder blades and along his shoulders. The loft was quiet and all Brian could hear was the sound of his own breathing in his ears until; “Wow ... you're pretty tense ... why don't you let me give you a proper massage?” asked Jamie quietly and leaning down, his lips were so close to Brian's ear, the older man could feel Jamie's hot breath against his skin. Jamie's heart was beating faster now as he hoped to get Brian up out of the chair and over to the bed; sure in himself that once they got started, Brian would want more of him. Brian opened his eyes and then blinked and he felt himself start to harden. The guys he'd had since Justin left had been reasonable fucks, but there'd been none of the intimacy and familiarity that he'd had with Justin: nor even warmth, not that he'd wanted or expected it with anyone else. But now Brian realized just how much he'd missed it. Who would have thought that Brian Kinney would ever miss the togetherness and fulfillment that being with just one man could give him? It had to be the right man of course and more than once since Justin had left, had Brian cursed the amount of time they'd lost before he could admit his feelings for him; all the times Brian had rejected Justin and preventing him from getting through the barriers he'd used to protect himself so well for so long, because he feared the pain that love would undoubtedly bring when it was all over. But Justin had kept chipping away bit by bit. A word here, an action there that told him that Justin wasn't going to give up. “I'm on to you,” the younger man had once said to him and Brian had realized then that his defenses were under attack: Justin able to peer through his weakening armor and seeing the man beneath. And he'd known then that if he wasn't careful that Justin would get under the wire once and for all. And then he had and it was too late and Brian was lost even if he couldn't admit it to anyone: least of all himself. And now there was another young man with him in the loft; a young man whose actions made it quite clear that he wanted Brian. Jamie's caress was now telling Brian that and he could feel himself falling and suddenly, Brian needed to be with someone who wanted to touch and be touched. He didn't want just a quick fuck in the back room at Babylon where you were doing your pants up again just a few minutes later, with no lingering caress or stroke telling you how somebody really felt about you: that you meant something to them where it counted. Shit. Missing Justin's caress and tenderness, Brian was at risk of succumbing to this young man's flirtation with him. Dangerous territory and fighting to return to reality, Brian reached around and grabbed, thankfully, Jamie's uninjured wrist. “That's enough ... I still have work to do ...” Not wanting Brian to see his disappointment, Jamie swallowed and then merely shrugged. “That's okay ... why don't I get you a refill,” and without waiting for an answer, he moved to the side table and replenished Brian's glass, but there was no way he was giving up yet. Resetting the now topped up glass at Brian's elbow; the older man struggling to regain his concentration, Jamie once again looked over Brian's shoulder at the computer screen and trying to retain a veneer of normalacy in their conversation. “Pity about Drew Boyd ... he was hot ... for an older guy ...” stated Jamie. “An older guy?” questioned Brian, now more alert, though he was still fighting to slow down his heart rate and he automatically looked back over his shoulder, finding himself only inches away from Jamie's face once more and wondering why he hadn't noticed what a deep blue those eyes were before now and he started to speak without thinking. “He's younger ...” Brian was about to admit that he was older than Drew, but looking into those blue pools, as well as those old feelings of vanity creeping back, prevented him. But Jamie knew what Brian was about to say and looked suitably confused. “He's younger than you? You're kidding me ...” stated Jamie; pulling back and feigning total surprise. “He's hot ... but you're hotter ...” Brian smiled. He knew Jamie was flattering him, but all the same it was good to hear it. “In fact ...” continued Jamie. “You've got to be the hottest guy I've ever seen ...” “I take it you don't get out much,” quipped Brian, trying to deflect Jamie's flattery, but he looked at Jamie and the younger man's expression seemed totally genuine. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth. If Jamie wasn't careful, Brian could start to like him a little too much after all. “Why are you putting yourself down?” Jamie asked him and Brian frowned. “I'm not ...” “Yes you are,” insisted Jamie. “Like you don't think someone of my age would find you attractive ...” “I never said that,” stated Brian, suddenly defensive. “And if you want signed testimony's from guys your age ... and younger ... go talk to the Go-Go boys at the club ...” “I heard,” grinned Jamie and he leaned down so that Brian could feel the younger man's breath on his face. “They said they couldn't keep up with you ...” A smile crept onto Brian's lips and he attempted to return back to the screen, but Jamie had other ideas and pulled Brian's chair around so that the older man faced him again. “I bet I've got more staying power than they have ...” Brian chuckled but shook his head and attempted to turn his chair back, but Jamie prevented him and Brian saw the strength of Jamie's determination in the younger man's eyes. Reaching out, Jamie gently caressed Brian's cheek with the back of his hand and then traced the contours of Brian's mouth with his fore-finger and automatically, the older man's lips parted. Brian blinked. Of course he'd fucked guys since Justin left, but none of them had seen fit to touch him in a way that seemed so intimate and Brian closed his eyes at the memory of another young man's touch. But, before he knew it, Jamie leaned down and kissed him. Jamie was running his hand down Brian's chest to the bulge that had formed under his jeans and before Brian realized what was happening, the younger man had started to deepen the kiss; Jamie's lips soft, moist and sweet. Suddenly, Brian opened his eyes and pulled back; totally shocked, as the realization of what he was allowing dawned on him and he groaned in dismay that he might react to Jamie's advances. No, no, no; this wasn't supposed to be happening. “Why not?” asked Jamie in a whisper; seemingly reading Brian's mind and sensing the older man's reluctance to take this through to its logical conclusion. “Give me one good reason why we shouldn't ... it's not like we haven't done it before ...” Brian frowned and tried to think of a reason why they shouldn't finish what they'd started, but he couldn't think of a one. Allowing his towel to fall away, Jamie sat astride Brian and put his fingers beneath the man's chin and brushed Brian's lips with his thumb. Brian blinked at the blue eyes that were looking so earnestly into his own and threatening to pull him in and Jamie smiled. He could see the confusion and hesitation in those hazel eyes meeting his, but there was hunger and need there too and, if he wasn't mistaken, these were the eyes of a man vulnerable to this sudden display of affection and reaching around, he ran his fingers up the back of Brian's head and through his hair. Jamie leaned in again, but this time, Brian knew what his objective was and something inside automatically had Brian tilting his head away without even realizing he was doing it; Jamie's lips brushing Brian's cheek instead of his mouth as the younger man had intended: Brian's senses now screaming out to him that this was just sex and that there was only one man whose kiss was welcome in that way. Jamie frowned in disappointment, but didn't allow Brian's actions to interrupt his ultimate intentions and Brian found himself closing his eyes and leaning his head back as he gave Jamie access to his neck; the younger man covering the exposed throat with light, sweet kisses. Brian's hunger and need for something he hadn't even realized he was missing until now was threatening to prevent logic and reasoning taking hold, but incredibly, an invisible force was holding him back and reminding him what he would be risking. With Justin, for the first time in his life, Brian had discovered he needed and wanted someone; just that one person for something more than just sex and indeed there was a connection between them so deep that it went beyond the physical. It was love and love at its purest: undemanding and unconditional. A love that acknowledged their need for each to be their own man and having found that love and eventually accepting it, Brian had been more than willing to let Justin go in order to discover the man he would become. But, having found that love just in time for Justin to leave to seek his way, left a void in Brian's heart the size of which he was only now beginning to discover. To admit he needed and wanted that love had shaken Brian to the core and at the very time when he needed that love the most; when he needed to be phyiscally close to the man who now claimed his heart and soul, that man was no longer here with him. And Brian understood why Justin had to do this on his own and not cling on to Brian's coat tails, but it didn't make the separation any easier to bare knowing this. And here and now, there was another young man offering himself up to Brian, even though at the back of the older man's brain could be heard a voice screaming 'this isn't Justin', nevertheless he was offering tenderness and affection; something that would fill the void. But no; Brian and Justin had made their rules and Brian was still determined to stick by them: to cling to something that made their relationship so different, so special and so deep. He could never feel anything remotely for Jamie like he did for Justin, Brian knew this, but with a heart as broken and empty as his was right now; this young man's attentions reminding him of that very fact, to feel close to someone who wanted to be close to him was so inviting. Jamie had done his homework too, over the time he'd worked at Babylon and had learned that for Brian it had once been all about fucking with no emotional ties or involvements, but that had been before Justin had finally broken through those barriers. Jamie knew exactly what he was doing as he proceeded to kiss along Brian's jaw bone. He knew that if Brian and Justin had been lovers in the true sense of the word and had even planned to marry, then there must have been a closeness there and undoubtedly at times a tenderness in their lovemaking. He wasn't going to rush this by initiating a quick fuck or blow job; this was going to take time; Jamie hoping to awaken in Brian a realization in what he was missing, but that it wasn't only Justin who was capable of providing it. Pulling back and sliding off Brian's lap, Jamie held out his hand; all the while keeping the older man's gaze. Opening his eyes, Brian swallowed and then blinked, but so far hadn't moved; wondering why the hell he was hesitating. After all, this was just going to be another fuck: wasn't it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rushing back to his studio and turning the CD player on as loud as he could without his nearest neighbors complaining, Justin tried not to think about Brian but instead buried himself in his painting; practically attacking the canvas in his need to convey the passions now running through him. But he was kidding himself if he thought his feelings for the man he'd left behind in Pittsburgh didn't influence him. The doubts and disappointments Justin was experiencing in his heart came through loud and clear; he couldn't bury his emotions: they were there whether he realized it or not and the fire and urgency in his work reflected this. Justin painted through those emotions; love, despair, longing, loneliness and fear. They were all there; in the shapes and colors that took on a life of their own on the canvasses he now created. His work was stunning and if this was the quality of art Justin could produce when he felt confused and doubtful about his relationship with Brian, what powerful works could possibly be laying dormant inside him that were still waiting to be released. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Having taken Jamie's hand and moved to the bed, Brian closed his eyes and allowed his mind to drift as Jamie started to push up the hem of the tee to allow him access to Brian's flesh; Jamie knew what he was doing alright. He knew Brian was hard and wanted him, but he wasn't going to be touching that part of his anatomy any time soon. Brian would have to wait; until his senses could take no more and his body screamed out for release. Brian allowed his head to fall to one side as Jamie began to lick up Brian's chest; pushing up into Brian's throat the material of his tee to allow him to reach first one nipple; circling it with his tongue and then alternately licking and sucking it while fondling the other. Brian moaned; unable to contain himself. No one had made him feel this good since .... Brian tried to push all thoughts of Justin from his mind; no man had ever made love to him like Justin did: Brian had never allowed it. Everything and everyone else was just a fuck; a physical release. But Justin reached something inside Brian's very soul; something that Jamie was doing his damndest to replicate. But something in Brian just kept him holding back; however Jamie tried. The sex was incredible;Jamie had learned his art well and there was nothing he wouldn't do to try and please Brian; his experience in taking Brian to the edge repeatedly, but never over it until the younger man was ready to, belying his years. But try as he might, part of Brian held on to that something that would only ever be available to one man; Justin. And Jamie knew it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following morning, when Brian woke to find Jamie beside him and knowing full well what they had done the night before, he headed straight to the shower and closed his eyes as the hot water cascaded over him. Brian replayed in his mind every stroke and caress he could remember; knowing in his heart that it was nothing more than sex and that Jamie must know that. There was only one man who would only ever take possession of his body in that way and that was Justin; but Justin was oh so far away and Brian's heart ached for him now more than ever after Jamie's attempts at intimacy. For in part, the young man had succeeded in what he'd set out to do and that was he'd reminded Brian of just now much he missed the other blond and knew he had to put things right between them. He couldn't let things drift; Brian knew he had to acknowledge his separation from Justin and deal with it instead of pretending it wasn't really happening and the sooner he was able to extricate himself from Jamie's ever increasing oppressiveness the better. Jamie had some idea that he'd crossed some invisible line by Brian's attitude towards him; still not quite understanding the older man's reaction to their lovemaking the night before and how it felt that Brian was still holding back. For that was what Jamie had convinced himself it was; that Brian made love to him: that they had made love to each other and that Brian's reticence was only due to his still feeling guilty over Justin. But Brian hardly said a word through breakfast and Jamie realized he was on thin ice. He couldn't push any further and risk Brian rejecting him already and knowing he needed to be compliant and keep in Brian's good books, after they'd eaten, Jamie agreed to an appointment being set up at the center. Fortunately, there was an opening later in the day and as Peter was also there, he would take a look and see if the stitches on Jamie's wrist were ready to come out. Jamie now appeared to have a pretty healthy appetite and, as usual, Brian's refrigerator only held the barest essentials. The earliest appointment they could get at the center was after lunch and with Jamie's confidence in his seemingly blossoming, but imagined relationship with Brian, they headed for the diner; at the younger man's request, Brian not having the heart to refuse him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian slid into a booth, but instead of sitting opposite, Jamie slid in beside him; just about as close as he could get without actually sitting in the man's lap; Brian moved up a little further, but Jamie just leaned towards him as he attempted conversation. “Can we order Deb?” called Brian and Debbie looked up. “Hold your horses ... I'll be there as soon as I can ...” “You on your own today, Debs?” asked Em, who had returned Brian's somewhat slightly embarrassed smile. Emmett was sitting at the counter and Debbie raised her arms in exasperation. “Kiki's at her tranny support group and Suzie's at the dentist ... broke a tooth on the Cannelloni ...” and Emmett glanced down at the same thing on his own plate in horror. Debbie chuckled and patted his arm. “Only kidding ... she broke it on a bagel from the deli ...” and then she looked up and paid more attention to Brian and his companion and she frowned before going over and taking their order. The diner was busy and being on her own, Debbie didn't have a chance to get the young man into conversation like she wanted to; wondering how the hell he'd managed to get in with Brian. She was sure she'd seen the young man in the diner a few times, but didn't really know him, but she did take in the blond hair and blue eyes. And, watching them talk, the younger man seeming extremely happy to be seen out and about with Brian; looking around him and laughing just a little too loudly and actually drawing attention to himself and who he was sitting with. And then Jamie would lower his voice and lean closer to Brian; looking up at him and smiling shyly. “That looks a little too fucking cozy if you ask me,” whispered Debbie to Emmett and the man looked back over his shoulder in the direction of Debbie's gaze. “That's Jamie ... the new barman at Babylon ... he's been taking quite an interest in Brian ...” “Barman huh ... doesn't look old enough ...” answered Debbie; hearing the note of sarcasm in Emmett's voice and she frowned and then the bell rang from the kitchen to signify an order was ready. “Double cheese-burger ... fries and chocolate shake for you ...” stated Debbie, as she placed Jamie's lunch in front of him. “And a turkey sandwich on whole grain for you...” and Debbie then placed Brian's in front of him and returned to the counter, where she picked up the coffee pot in order to give him a refill. “What's the deal with the bandage on his wrist?” asked Emmett, quietly; the white material quite noticeable beneath the tee and Debbie shrugged. “Who knows ... but whatever it is doesn't appear to have affected his appetite ...” “And isn't that one of Justin's old tee's he's wearing?” Emmett asked her; never one not to notice anything anyone was wearing: Debbie raised an eyebrow, but didn't answer him. Thankfully, Suzie came in to finish the rest of her shift; giving Debbie a chance to observe Brian and Jamie more closely and by the end of their lunch, Debbie decided that if she didn't know better, that young man was putting on an act and more than happy to have an audience; playing to the gallery and that Brian wasn't looking terribly happy about it. “How's Justin?” Debbie asked Brian as he went to the counter to pay for lunch and she saw the hesitation before he answered her. “He's had his first show ...” answered Brian and taking the change Debbie offered him, Brian found himself unable to remove the bill from her hold. “That isn't what I asked,” she informed him; making sure she'd got his attention and looking right at him. “When did you last talk to him?” “I ... I spoke to him yesterday,” stated Brian; not exactly lying. “Spoke to him ... or talked to him?” asked Debbie, who now released her hold on the bill and had caught the way Brian avoided her gaze. “It ... it's been a while,” Brian admitted, placing the bill in his wallet and he looked up and noticed how Debbie frowned at Jamie who, deciding Brian had spent enough time at the counter without him, now sidled up to him. “We're gonna be late for the center ...” Jamie stated. “The center?” asked Debbie; hoping to get a little more information from the young man, but Brian was determined she'd be left wondering. Unfortunately, he knew Debbie well enough to know that if she wanted, it wouldn't be long until she'd got the full low-down. Even as kids she seemed to know what he and Mikey had been about to get up to before they did themselves. “Gotta go, Debs,” stated Brian and before she could say anything else, Brian nodded at Emmett and steered Jamie outside and leaving Debbie staring after them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arriving a little early for his appointment at the center, Jamie had slipped his hand into Brian's as they sat in the waiting area. Carefully, Brian had managed to extricate himself from the younger man's hold, although Jamie pretended not to notice. “You don't have to come in with me,” stated Jamie, much to Brian's relief; the older man not wanting to get in any deeper than he was already. “This is something I know I need to do on my own,” and Brian smiled in support. In the end, Jamie thought he'd done a pretty good job in persuading the counselor that he'd been the victim of continual abuse, though the woman frowned at one or two inconsistencies in the young man's description of his home life. But Jamie asked for further counseling sessions; telling Brian the counselor had asked to see him; he obviously had a lot of problems that needed addressing and Jamie hoped that Brian would want to stick around and see this through with him. Leaving the counselor, they went down to see Peter, who checked on Jamie's wrist and as the cuts hadn't been particularly deep, was happy to remove the stitches. Peter would have liked to find out more about Jamie, But unfortunately, he was called away to an emergency and wasn't able to find out more about Jamie's history and how things were really going. Removing the stitches had smarted and Jamie wasn't sure whether he was glad they were out or not. With the bandage on it was a constant reminder of what he'd gone through and he was sure he'd seen Brian staring at it from time to time. But he'd smiled and with his eyes misty, had walked back with Brian to the car. “Well ... at least that part's over now,” Brian stated. Jamie nodded and put his hand on Brian's arm. “If it hadn't been for you ...” “Don't even think about it ... it didn't happen ... but what you do need to start thinking about is putting your life back together ... and finding you somewhere to live is the next priority ...” But Brian's choice of accommodation for Jamie wasn't what the young man had been expecting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As approved foster parents who had taken in not only a young hustler, but a young man who was also HIV+, Michael and Ben were prepared to consider giving a home to Jamie and it so happened that while Jamie was with the counselor, Michael had called Brian. He'd discussed it with Ben who had agreed they would offer Jamie a home, just as long as it was okay with Hunter and they would talk to him that evening. Having brought in Chinese take-out, Brian and Jamie had just finished dinner when Michael called again. Brian had taken the call and walked over to the kitchen; turning away from Jamie. That was the trouble with the loft; there was never any real privacy should you need it and Jamie had frowned at Brian's actions and tried to make out what he was saying. Brian heaved a sigh of relief and thanked Michael; Hunter had hesitated at first, but knowing what it was like to feel rootless and unwanted, had agreed to allow Jamie to live with them. Brian would pay for his board and keep, at least until the young man could stand on his own feet and agreed to bring him over to their house Sunday afternoon when the store was closed. Jamie didn't take the news too well and as the tears brimmed in his eyes, he started to get agitated and upset and accused Brian of being only one in a long line of people who didn't want him; happy to dump him on someone else so that he needn't be bothered with him. “That isn't true,” Brian told him, but Jamie shook his head. “So you say ... but my parents were always leaving me with my Aunts ... I never knew when they were coming back ... I used to get so scared I'd be on my own ...” pleaded Jamie. “You're not on your own ... but I told you ... you can't stay here ... and once you're back on your feet you can get your own place ...” Jamie blinked; maybe all was not lost. If he could continue to make Brian feel concerned for him, then after he'd spent a sufficient time at Michael's, perhaps he could still get Brian to set him up in a place of his own. He had to hang on to Brian at all costs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Having got over the shock of where Brian was suggesting he live, Jamie's mind was working overtime. At the most he had a couple of more days in Brian's company to make the man fall for him completely before he moved into Michael and Ben's. Brian wished he could have gotten Jamie to Michael and Ben's that evening, but Michael said they had to tidy up the spare room first; it had been used as storage space since they moved in the house and they needed to get the stuff shifted up into the attic. This of course meant Jamie spending a couple more nights at the loft. Brian couldn't help feeling sorry for the young man, despite himself, because in truth, he was doing exactly what Jamie said his parents used to: passing him on to someone else. But he could see how dependent Jamie was becoming on him; Peter's words echoing in his brain and Brian knew he needed to withdraw; but it was proving more difficult than he thought it would. Understanding the horrors of being born to an abusive, drunken Father, Brian knew what it was like to always be on the wrong end of verbal insults and being told you were worthless and would never amount to anything. He also never knew when the next punch or slap would land, but one thing Brian did know was that the only person who could really get Jamie through all that shit was Jamie himself. Because if he couldn't find the strength to do it, no one could do it for him. It had taken Brian over thirty years to realize that all the support mechanisms in the world couldn't alter how you felt about yourself and if Jamie didn't want to put it all behind him and move on, then he wouldn't. Brian recognized that; even knowing Michael and Debbie were there, he'd had to look out for himself for most of his childhood and often wondered how he'd survived; if in fact he had. Deep down, Brian knew his childhood had prevented him forming real relationships, always figuring that people who are supposed to love you will always let you down in the end. Which was why Brian had always told himself that he was the only one he knew he could rely on and always managed to ignore the fact that just once in a while it might actually have felt good to hand over responsibility for his welfare and safety to someone else: to let someone else take care of him and let a kid just be a kid. Even after making friends with Mikey and having the Novotny's as sanctuary, with Debbie the closest thing he'd ever had to a Mom to check he'd eaten and done his homework, neither Michael or Debbie were there at the Kinney's to deflect the slap or harsh words that had come Brian's way. Consequently, Brian kept all his emotions locked inside, continually putting up barriers against anyone who tried to get close. Even when Debbie knew he was hurting and would try and give him a hug to show him someone cared, Brian would always be embarrassed by her concern; trying to pretend he didn't care how his parents treated him; that any show of vulnerability would make him weak: at least in his own eyes. Which was why he was still scared to open up; even with Justin, until he finally realized the one person he would only truly love in his whole life could have been lost to him: again, and he decided he didn't want to be without him. Asking Justin to marry him was probably madness, but at the time Brian meant it and if Justin had really wanted, he would have gone through with it. But Justin knew him too well; he'd seen Brian almost bent out of shape, trying to be something he wasn't cut out to be and Justin loved him too much to want the man to be anything other than his true self. So instead of marrying and settling down; trying to become domesticated and both of them making sacrifices that would surely pull them apart eventually, Justin loved Brian enough not to want him to change just for him and Brian loved Justin enough to let him go and explore his true destiny; even if that didn't include him: at least for the time being. So here he was, on his own again; apart from nursemaiding Jamie, who once he'd gotten over Brian's choice of living arrangements for him had seemed to lighten up. But that was before Brian told him he had to sleep on the sofa; desperately trying to ignore the tears that threatened to overspill the younger man's eyes. Brian had passed him a blanket and ignoring Jamie's pleading look made his way up to his bed alone. Jamie seethed; this wasn't what he'd planned. To be continued. With so many thanks to Lois for her patience and to both Lois and Judy for their continued friendship.