Chapter 8: Justin had feared that Brian would walk out on him. But now, he was walking out on Brian. With Justin's words still ringing in his ears, Brian left the living room and went back to the office and only went to dinner when Penny came looking for him and at her insistence that he join them. She knew something had happened; she'd seen Justin go up to their room, red in the face and close to tears: not answering her when she called to him. Brian's expression only served to confirm her suspicions, but like Justin, he refused to talk about what had gone on between them. Not speaking to each other during the evening meal, Brian then went out to the stables to bed down Rebel while Justin helped to clear things away and he'd spoken quietly to Penny. “Can someone give me a ride to the bus station tomorrow?” he asked her and she looked at him puzzled. “Aren't you waiting for Brian?” she asked him and he shook his head. “I'm not sure he's coming back with me ...” “What's happened Justin ... what makes you think that?” Justin told her about the book and that he'd decided to go to art school and had even offered to pay to put Brian through school too, but that he'd knocked him back. “He always was proud ...” “Stubborn you mean,” chuckled Justin, but without any real humor and Penny smiled. “That too ...” “But I've seen how he looks at you ... he obviously cares ... can't you try talking to him again?” Justin shook his head. “I'm not sure I've got the energy ... I feel every time I'm getting close ...” and he let his words trail off and sighed. “But it seems he can't think of us with a future ...” and he shrugged and went up to his bedroom. Paul had already gone up to bed and Justin called in on him to say goodbye. The man was genuinely sorry to see him go. Margaret had been a little perturbed at the thought of Brian with another man under their roof at first; she was still coming to terms with Andrew's recent revelation about his sexuality, but Justin was so delightful and he and Brian obviously had strong feelings for each other and after Paul's heart attack: Well, life was just too short to concern yourself over things that really shouldn't matter. But before Paul let Justin go, he managed to get an explanation out of him and shook his head as the young man left to go to his room. Paul was determined to have words with Brian when he came up to see him as he usually did before turning in, but unfortunately, he'd fallen asleep by the time Brian looked in and missed his chance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After Brian had walked away from him, Justin had made another phonecall and checked the bus timetables with the Greyhound office; one came through town at 9:30 in the morning and now he packed his holdall except for his toiletries and left it just inside the bedroom door. He feigned sleep when Brian came to bed and he buried his face in the pillow when the older man came out of the bathroom wrapped only in a towel; one look at that beautiful body and he would surely lose all his resolve. Brian had seen the bag on the floor and now sat on the edge of the bed; contemplating whether he should go down and sleep on the couch in the study. He knew Justin was awake; he could tell by his breathing. He so wanted Justin to understand that he couldn't be beholden to him; that he wouldn't be. “Justin ... Justin ...” and the blond rolled over on to his back and looked up at him. “Are you coming back with me?” Justin asked him before Brian had a chance to speak further. “I ... I can't,” came the eventual reply. “Paul needs me here ...” “Guessed as much ...” Justin answered and he rolled away from him. With a heavy heart, Brian climbed into bed, but they might just as well have been a million miles apart; laying at the edges of the bed and facing away from each other. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian was gone when Justin woke the next morning and the blond hurriedly showered and collected the last of his things. He looked in on Paul, but the man was still asleep. Penny and Anna were in the kitchen, but Justin refused all offers of breakfast and, after having saying his goodbyes, he waited on Joe, who was going to give him a ride into town. When Joe called to him to say he was ready, Justin joined him outside and threw his bag in the back of the pickup and looked into the distance. Brian was out on Rebel and man and beast were riding full tilt towards them and then Brian brought the animal's pace gradually down to a gentle trot as he approached them. The sight of Brian aboard that animal again made Justin catch his breath. Brian was dressed all in black, sitting atop the black stallion; they looked magnificent: raw power emanating from every pore.. “You're off then ...” stated Brian, flatly. “Bus leaves town at 9:30 ...” Justin answered him and Brian nodded. “Give my love ... give my love to Molly,” stated the older man and he swung the horse's head around and headed for the paddock. Fighting to keep the tears under control, Justin climbed aboard the pickup and Joe started the engine and keeping his eyes dead ahead as the vehicle moved off, Justin said a silent goodbye. Brian's heart was pounding as he dismounted and then he unsaddled Rebel before walking him round to cool him off. He brought the animal to a stop by the gate to the paddock; his head full of thoughts of Justin and suddenly, he clung on to Rebel's mane. Closing his eyes, Brian wondered whether there was ever going to be a time when he would trust someone's feelings or, more to the point, trust his own and that refusing Justin's offer of financial help to finish school wasn't just a matter of pride, but an excuse not to commit; make promises he still didn't believe he could keep, when all the time every fiber of his being was telling him not to let Justin go. “Brian ...” The sound of Paul's voice suddenly brought him round and he turned to see the older man moving towards him; a little unsteadily, despite the use of a walking stick. “What are you doing so far away from the house ...” Brian called to him and knowing Rebel would stay exactly where he left him, he quickly crossed the remaining distance between himself and Paul and took the man by the elbow for support. Paul brushed his assistance aside. “I see Justin left ... on his own ...” and Brian removed his hand and turned away from him. “Why did you let him do that ... why did you let Justin go?” Paul asked him and Brian returned to Rebel; it was almost as if Paul had read his mind and he didn't want to look the man in the face in case he gave himself away. “There's still a lot of work to catch up on ... he wasn't prepared to wait ...” “What ... you used me ... my incapacity as an excuse not to go with him?” “No,” insisted Brian; forced to look back at him. “I would never do that ...” “Are you sure?” asked Paul. “And I hope you're not staying on here because you think you're obliged ...” and realization suddenly struck the older man. “You think your NOT being here brought this on ... don't you ... that you're somehow to blame for my heart attack ...” Brian gazed into the distance and his silence was all the confirmation Paul needed. “Brian ...” “I should have waited until you found someone to replace me ...” “But it was up to me to do something about that ...” insisted Paul, determined that Brian wouldn't blame himself for the extra work he'd had to take on and then the older man couldn't help smiling. “Truth is Brian ... you're quite a hard act to follow ...” and Brian looked at him; unable to resist returning the smile at Paul's compliment. “But you can't use this as an excuse not to move on ... hasn't what happened to me taught you anything?” asked Paul and he walked towards him and took Brian by the arm and turned him to face him. “We shouldn't put things off ... 'cos sometimes tomorrow doesn't come ... and then it's too late ... too late to say and do what we really mean ... and then we find we've missed the chances we should have taken ...” “When are you going to stop running away from love?” asked Paul and he sighed and shook his head and he continued, not letting Brian interrupt him. “You left here before because Andrew got too close ... wanted something that you thought you couldn't give ...” said Paul and Brian pulled away and opened the gate to the paddock. He took Rebel's bridle off and set him loose; the horse now running around the paddock, bucking and kicking: now free of saddle and all restraint and Brian closed the gate and leaned on the top rail. “But this time it's different,” Paul continued and he moved up closer. “It's as plain as the nose on your face that Justin loves you ... but this time around ... if I'm not very much mistaken ... you love him ... so why are you being so damned stubborn ...” “I can't ...” started Brian and he closed his eyes. “Can't what?” asked Paul. “Trust your feelings ... believe you can love someone?” “He's so talented ... he's too ... he's too ...” and Brian shook his head; unable to finish his sentence. Paul was exasperated. “He's what ... too young ... too good for you ... is that what you think?” “Brian ... he may still be young in years ... but Justin's had to take on responsibilities that would see many an adult go under ... and as for being too good for you ...” “You could be anything you wanted to be ... with real qualifications you could do anything ... be anything ... so what are you so fucking scared of?” Brian turned round in surprise. Even living on a ranch populated mostly by men, he'd never heard Paul swear like that before. “Afraid you won't measure up ... be his equal?” asked Paul and Brian shrugged. Paul reached out and tapped Brian's temple. “You've got enough savvy in there for a dozen men ...” and he grinned. “I've had lots of conversations with Justin ... sure ... he's talented ... and smart ... smart enough to know you set up that ploughing competition so that his field would get the work it needed while he couldn't afford to get the tractor fixed ... so it sounds to me like you're pretty much equals already”. Brian sighed and briefly closed his eyes again and when he opened them, he stood looking down at the ground; one hand still holding the bridle, the other on his waist. Paul reached out and put his hand on Brian's shoulder. “You're as good as the next man ... don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise ...” “Hell ... do you think I would have given you so much free rein with the business if I didn't think you could handle it ... and I could kick myself for not encouraging you to get those qualifications ...” Brian looked up at him and suddenly, so many memories came flooding back. His Father laying into him, telling him he was no good; that he would never amount to anything and that he should have been aborted; things that a kid takes to heart when they're yelled at him enough times and by the one person who's supposed to love him unconditionally. And then there was Dan, who'd made him believe he loved him; wanted only him and who threw that love away. But then there was Justin; still a young man, yes, and with unimaginable potential and a heart big enough for two and Brian stared at Paul; someone who'd always had faith in him; seen something in him as a young man that made him offer him a job and a home after knowing him barely any time at all and Brian had wound up helping to run a multi-million dollar business and Paul trusted him; still trusted him and he was right: of course he was. Before Brian could speak, they heard a car approaching and both men turned towards the direction of the sound. It was Andrew, earlier than usual, but he'd taken to turning up as often as he could and when his schedule allowed and suddenly, Brian knew what it was he had to do. “Let's get back to the house ... I need to talk to Andrew,” said Brian and taking Paul under the arm, the two men made their way slowly back. Andrew was waiting for them and raised an eyebrow at Brian's words: “That little bit of business you mentioned before ...” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin had purchased a bottle of water and a packet of sandwiches from the machines and had decided to sit outside the waiting area and in the sunshine instead. He looked at his watch; it was 9:15, the bus would arrive soon and then he would be heading home. He couldn't believe he was going back alone and was deep in thought and at first didn't hear the car coming down the street and only when the vehicle came to a sudden halt in front of him and sending up clouds of dust did he look up. “Wanna ride ... cowboy?” asked Brian, leaning out the window of the vette. His business with Andrew concluded, Brian had run upstairs and thrown everything into his bag. Then, after some very hurried goodbyes, he'd jumped in the car and prayed he'd get to town before the bus. Either that, or he'd follow the route until he caught up with it. Justin looked down the road and then back at Brian. “That depends ... where you headed?” and the bus came around the corner and was making towards the pick-up point. “Oh ... someplace .... well ... someplace kinda special … it has an orchard and a river ... and a tree that's great for sitting under ... the farmhouse still needs a little work ...” Justin got up from the bench and walked over to the car and crouched down beside it; now level with Brian. “Nothing that couldn't be fixed ...” ventured the blond and Brian nodded. Without any further invitation, Justin straightened up and allowing himself a little grin, he went around the other side of the car, opened the door and having thrown his holdall into the back seat alongside Brian's, he got in. “Well ... what are we waiting for ... let's go home ...” said the blond and he saw Brian take a deep breath. Would the farm really feel like home? Would anywhere, Brian wondered, but knowing that returning there with Justin was exactly the right thing to do, he gunned the engine and moved off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian couldn't believe it, but when the farm came into view and for the first time in his life, he did indeed have the impression of coming home and he took their bags upstairs while Justin checked on the animals. Phil had been keeping a close eye on the place and everything was doing well and Justin telephoned the Sherman's who were genuinely pleased he was back safe and sound and said they would collect Molly from school and bring her home later, after she'd had time to collect her things. That left the two men a few hours to keep themselves amused. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Waking up from his doze, Brian found he was alone and he rolled over onto his stomach and stretched out his arm. Justin's side of the bed was still slightly warm and still smelled of him; the pillow indented where the blond's head had lain and Brian smiled and wondered where the young man had gone off to. Padding downstairs and dressed only in his robe, Brian found a freshly showered and dressed Justin sitting at the computer and he leaned over the young man's shoulder; Brian encircling him in his strong arms. “Do you have to do this now ... come back to bed ...” he purred in his ear and Justin shuddered at the feel of Brian's hot breath on his neck and then the man nibbled his lobe. The blond grinned and moved forwards, trying to shrug off Brian's hold on him and concentrate on what he was doing. “We can't ... Molly will be back soon ...” “Molly doesn't mind about us ...” “Molly mightn't ... but I'm not so sure what Mrs. Sherman might say ...” returned Justin. “Do you care?” asked Brian, surprised. “No ... not really ... but this is a small town and I'm not sure they're ready for us ...” grinned the younger man. “Besides ... I wanted to look at this ...” Brian sighed and with all thoughts of getting Justin back to bed now disappearing, he studied the computer screen. “PIFA ... why there?” Brian's heart missed a beat at the sight of the art institute situated in his own home town. “They have a great reputation ... I just have enough time to register ... so I've sent off for an application form ...” Brian closed his eyes momentarily and straightened up. “You're still going through with it then?” he asked him and Justin nodded. “Definitely ... and look what else what I've found ...” and with a quick click of the mouse, Justin moved back to a site he'd visited previously. “This is a great business course ...” “You're pretty determined ... I'll give you that,” sighed the older man. “Well ... why not ... and since you'll have your own money ... what's there to stop you?” asked Justin and Brian shrugged. Nothing; nothing at all. Just his own doubts that he was capable. The 'little bit of business' he'd discussed with Andrew was the offer the man had made to him a few days previously to buy the share of the business his Dad had given Brian, which initially he'd refused to consider. Andrew knew that as Paul's son, he didn't need to buy in to the business at all, but his Dad's heart attack had shaken him more than he first thought: made him think about his own future and his past and realized just what the ranch meant to him as a McGruber and wanted to prove to his Dad how serious he was in taking a far more active role. And a successful Texas businessman like Paul would soon understand Andrew's sincerity once money was involved. Andrew had made Brian a provisional offer but had wanted to do things above board and suggested Brian get a lawyer to look over the papers, which Brian had agreed to do and after the sale had gone through, there would at least be enough money for Brian to put himself through school. “I need to get a portfolio together ... I'm not sure I have everything I need ...” stated Justin, with a worried look on his face and he got up from the computer and made his way back upstairs; Brian looked over his shoulder and watched Justin disappear and then sat down in his place. The Business Degree course was pretty comprehensive and included Accounting, General Business, Information Systems, Management and Marketing and if he wanted to, he could tag on Economics for good measure. Formal qualifications would open up so many more doors for him; Brian couldn't deny how practical and sensible it would be, but he would have to sit for an entrance exam in order to get in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Molly was certainly glad to see them back and not for one minute did she suspect that this might never have happened; that they may never have returned, at least together. Though she didn't mind staying at the Sherman's, they'd frowned at her relationship with Jake and she'd been forced to hide his birthday present to her. But now, back home, she didn't want to deceive her brother and Jake was coming down at the weekend for them to make a pretty important announcement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The stone wasn't very big, after all, Jake wasn't yet qualified, but what it represented meant everything to Molly. “Don't worry ... it'll be a long engagement ... Jake doesn't graduate for a couple of years ... so ... before you ask ... no ... I'm not about to make you an Uncle ...” she stated firmly and Brian swore he saw Jake blush. Jake had joked about having two Father's in law and at first Molly had been upset at the remark until she realized there was no malice in it. They'd talked about the fact that Justin was gay and his relationship with Brian and Molly had made it quite clear that if Jake loved her, then he must accept Justin and if Jake had any problems with that ultimatum, he certainly didn't voice it and in actual fact got on well with both men. Justin had sat Molly down and outlined his plans. He was feeling pretty nervous and had decided that if Molly didn't want him to go, then he wouldn't. But she jumped up out of her chair and flung her arms around her brother's neck. “Justin ... that's wonderful ... you're so talented ... Mom and Dad would be so proud ...” “Whoa ... I haven't got in yet”, grinned her brother back at her. “Well ... they'd be mad not to accept you ...” she assured him and she hugged him again. “What about you Molly? I understand if you didn't want to leave the farm ...” Molly grinned at him. “I know exactly what I want to do, Justin ... but I was sort of afraid to tell you. But now I'm not ... everything will work out great ... you'll see”. Though they were still very young, Molly knew that Jake was the one for her, they had so much in common, including a love of animals and she had decided exactly what she wanted to do. With Jake qualifying to become a vet, Molly had decided upon a career as a registered veterinary technician, with the ultimate aim that one day, they would run a practice together. It was a pretty intensive course and didn't come cheap, but with what they would earn from publishing the book and the further illustration work taken on by Justin, they could afford it and Justin had contacted Stuart Mason to arrange another meeting where they would discuss contracts and obligations. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin's interview date had been set with PIFA and if he got accepted, then it looked like things could start to move pretty quickly. The Sherman's had agreed that Molly could stay with them until going on to college, but it was with a very heavy heart that Justin went into town to see the real estate agent in order to get an idea of what the farm was worth and arrange for an evaluation in order to put the property on the market and Brian found him sitting under the tree by the river; he'd heard the pickup come back, but Justin didn't come into the house and Brian went looking for him. Justin was sitting with his back against the tree and looking into the distance but not seeing anything. He didn't hear Brian approach and the older man saw the blond draw the back of his hand across his eyes. “Hey ...” said Brian, quietly and Justin sniffed and looked away and Brian sat down beside him. “I guess it's tough ... saying goodbye,” stated Brian and Justin nodded. “It's the only home Molly and I have ever known ... it's been in the family for generations ... I kinda feel like I'm letting Mom and Dad down by selling ...” “You're not letting anyone down, Justin ... how you've fought to keep this farm going ... I would think your Mom and Dad would be very proud of you ... “ “But they worked so hard ...” “That was their life, Justin ... this is yours ... you're so talented ... it would be such a shame to let it go to waste ...” Justin nodded, Brian was right. He had a gift and he longed; no needed to use it. “And you ... with real qualifications you could do anything ...” stated Justin and he took Brian's hand; the older man couldn't resist grinning. “What ... what?” asked the blonde, frowning. “Paul said exactly the same thing,” confessed Brian and Justin now grinned back. “Well ... we can't both be wrong ... you wait ... the world won't know what hit it ... when we get out there ...” and Justin leaned in as Brian took him in his arms and kissed him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian made an appointment with lawyers based in town; Kenrick, Kenrick and Devlin and it was Mr. Kenrick Junior who rose from the chair to greet him and the two men shook hands. Bob Kenrick photocopied the share letter that Paul had given Brian and gave him back the original. “I'll get back to you as soon as I can ... let you know what it's worth and then I'll draw up the papers transferring the ownership to ...” and he looked up at Brian to remind him of the name. “Andrew McGruber,” confirmed Brian and Bob smiled. “Have you any idea what sort of money we're talking about?” “It's a multi-million dollar business, so it should be worth a reasonable amount,” guessed Brian and then both men shook hands again as Brian left. Walking back to the car, Brian passed the alley by the side of the bank and then stopped and slowly retraced his steps. Wemyss' silver BMW was parked up by the side door to the bank, but he appeared just to be sitting there and curiosity getting the better of Brian, he took a few steps down the alley towards the car. Brian stopped and grinned as another head came into view; a head that had obviously been in Wemyss' lap and it didn't need much imagination to know what he'd been doing down there and suddenly, Wemyss grabbed the rear-view mirror. He'd caught sight of Brian and realized the man knew exactly what they'd been up to, but before he had a chance to stop him, Chris Hobbs opened the car door and got out. Chris now caught what George was saying to him and he looked in Brian's direction and glaring him, he slammed the car door and walked further down the alley and out the other end. Well, that relationship was obviously still going strong and though Brian still didn't have any proof that Hobbs tampered with the brakes on the Jeep, he couldn't forget Wemyss' treatment of Justin. Before they moved away, he would have to make sure the man got payback. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stuart Mason was more than willing to make another trip to the farm and was prepared to give Justin an advance against projected sales of the book and a contract to be looked over by his lawyer: Kenrick, Kenrick and Devlin had yet another client. Justin had managed to arrange his interview at PIFA for the same day as Brian's entrance exam to college and although he hadn't said anything, Brian was secretly dreading heading back home. He chuckled wryly to himself and wondered whether Pittsburgh would ever be home again. Though having been born, raised and lived there; at least until he was 17, he'd never looked back nor even considered returning there once he'd left. But now with Justin wanting to take advantage of PIFA's reputation, it looked like Pittsburgh was where he was headed. But maybe it was about time he did; returned home and confronted those fears and memories that had prevented him thinking of anywhere as home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin was getting worried, it was nearly time for them to head off to Pittsburgh, but nothing had been settled yet about the farm and then Jake's Dad came to visit. “I think it's about time we had a chat about those two love-birds,” said William McAllister and Justin frowned, it didn't sound like McAllister Senior was terribly thrilled about the idea, but in actual fact the man was quite amenable. “I married Jake's Mom when I'd not long qualified,” confessed the older man, wistfully. “So I can't really be disapproving now can I and besides ... Molly is a lovely girl ... but I do want to see them get off to a good start ...” Emily and William McAllister had been childhood sweethearts themselves, but unfortunately, Emily had passed away some five years before, leaving a huge gap in her husband's life. But it was in memory of a wonderful life spent with her, that William had come up with an idea. Though married young, it had been a number of years before Jake had come along and now William was a couple of years off retirement and hoped his son would take over the practice, but he knew that Jake's love of horses was pointing him in specializing in that area and indeed his son seemed to have a affinity with those beautiful creatures that his Dad envied. “I wouldn't be surprised if Jake doesn't turn out to be the best equine vet in the state,” said his Dad, proudly. “Which set me to thinking ... our place is much too small ... I've no land at all to speak of ... so, Justin ... I was wondering ... how would it be if I took over the farm ... held it for when Jake qualifies ... it would make a wonderful place for a practice ... especially one concentrating on horses ...” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The light was fading as they hit town and Brian's mouth was dry and he bit his lip as they turned the corner. They'd made arrangements to stay at a cheap hotel on Liberty Avenue and as they drove through Brian's old stomping grounds, Justin's jaw dropped and his eyes widened as he watched several couples, all men, openly holding hands and kissing in the street. Brian's nervousness at returning to his home town gave way to a grin. “You wait until the bars and clubs are all open ...” Part of Brian was dreading this, returning home and part of him was looking forward to the opportunity of taking Justin dancing. But with both Justin's interview and Brian's exam the following day, it would have to be a fairly early night tonight for both of them. Brian's general standard of education had been good before he dropped out and Justin had approached one of his old teachers. Brian had felt a little foolish at first, but with encouragement from everyone and with Justin and Molly helping him to revise, he hoped that the crash refresher course would be enough for him to get in. Justin's teacher from the art club he used to attend was only too pleased to look over his work and advise him which pieces to take with him and had given him her own case to use for his portfolio and this was carefully laid on the back seat. The room was small, but it was clean and at the back of the hotel, which meant they should get some sleep tonight, but Brian couldn't resist just one look and having unpacked their few belongings, he took Justin down onto the street. “I'm hungry ... can we eat?” asked Justin. “We passed a diner on the way in ...” and he started to walk in that direction. Brian blinked and a memory flashed in front of him. The Liberty Diner and he wondered whether Michael's Mom still worked there. That was 12 years ago, but it was with some trepidation that Brian followed Justin into the establishment that didn't seem to have changed very much in all that time. “Emmett ... honey ... you should get at least some of your protein off a plate ...” Brian heard the voice and the words and realized that some things just never change as he and Justin took a corner booth. Brian watched the group of friends interact at a neighboring table where Debbie Novotny was taking the orders and he saw how she gave one of the men a sharp tap behind the ear and heard the familiar 'ouch'. Brian smiled. Kiki came over and took their orders and Brian kept his head down and tried to remain unnoticed; which wasn't easy, as a man who looked like Brian turned heads wherever he went and especially on Liberty Avenue. Justin hadn't realized how Brian had been dreading returning to Pittsburgh, but he could sense how uncomfortable the man was feeling now and neither of them lingered over their meal. Hearing Debbie's voice; listening to her raucous laughter and caustic wit and recognizing Michael sitting at the table, even though the man had his back to him, brought back too many memories Brian had been trying to forget; like how he would bolt to the Novotny's when things had been rough at home: after his Dad had laid into him at the slimmest of excuses. “Let's get out of here ...” said Brian quietly as he pushed his empty plate away and it was the blond who went up to the counter to pay while Brian slipped outside. Brian knew that if he came back to the Pitts and went to college, he'd have to face his past. But that was for another time; not tonight. “Is everything okay? Justin asked him when he joined Brian outside and the older man tried to smile. “Sure ...” came the reply and foregoing the chance of a quick drink at Woody's, they went back to the hotel and Justin saw Brian physically relax once they were inside the room. “I've been pretty selfish ... haven't I?” said Justin, as he sat down in the one comfy chair in the room and Brian looked at him and frowned. He'd picked up his toiletries and towel and now stood in the middle of the room, facing the blond. “Why do you say that?” asked Brian and Justin slowly got up out of the chair and walked towards him. “You told me you were from the Pitts ... and I knew you'd had a rough time as a kid ... I never even thought about it when I was looking to go to PIFA ...” “Justin ... if I didn't want to be here ... I wouldn't be ...” Brian reassured him. “But it can't be easy ...” Justin persisted. “Coming back here ...” Brian sighed and closed his eyes. No, it wasn't easy. In actual fact it was fucking hard; unbelievable even that he would come back to a place that had such bad memories. But mixed up with all of that were some good memories too. The times he hung out with Michael; when he found out he'd been awarded the scholarship to go on to college and then meeting Dan. Memories; for good or bad, who had made him the man he was today. When Brian opened his eyes, Justin was looking directly at him and he could see the worried look in the young man's eyes that he was asking too much of Brian. Brian smiled and then hugged him and Justin reached up on tiptoes to put his chin on Brian's shoulder. And somehow Brian knew, that with Justin there with him, memories of the past could be overcome. “Why don't we go check out the shower?” asked Brian; eyes twinkling and Justin grinned and grabbed his towel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin said he'd like to check out the city's museum so Brian dropped him off on the way to his exam, Justin giving him a good luck kiss before getting out the car. Brian was as nervous as hell, but determined not to show it, alleviated somewhat when he discovered he wasn't the only mature student there. As instructed, he turned the paper over and took a few deep breaths to settle himself. Then, after reading through the questions, a quietly confident Brian allowed himself a slight smile. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin was enjoying wandering through the various exhibits. It was his Mom who'd given him his first set of crayons and introduced him to art, practically from the cradle, but he now looked at his watch. Brian should be roughly half-way through his exam and Justin had to admit he was nervous on the man's behalf and hoped Brian would pass. He had every confidence in him, but couldn't bear to think about what might happen if Brian didn't get in: if either of them didn't succeed in their applications. Justin was excited at the prospect of both of them going back to school together, of sharing things: a couple of college students. And if either of them failed, he wasn't sure where that would leave them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian heaved a sigh of relief and put down his pen. There was still seven minutes to go and he quickly re-read his answers, looking for any obvious errors but could find none. And then the proctors told them all to finish up and began to collect the papers. Brian would find out the results in a couple of weeks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Collecting Justin, Brian wanted to avoid the diner for lunch and so they headed for a coffee shop before going back to the hotel and collecting the portfolio. The interview would last about an hour and Brian promised to wait and returning the blond's good wishes, kissed him long and hard before the smiling younger man collected his artwork from the back seat and headed off. Brian bought a local paper. If they were both as successful as they'd hoped, they'd be looking for somewhere to live. He should be hearing back from the lawyer any day and find out just what sort of money he was looking at for his share of the ranch; something that would come in handy as bond money or down payment on an apartment; somewhere that was big enough for Justin to have a decent work space. The local news and businesses all brought back memories and the time waiting for Justin went a lot quicker than he thought it would and the younger man seemed to return in no time at all. Justin was beaming all over his face; with the sunshine smile his Grandma used to remark upon and it didn't take a genius to work out that he'd been accepted. But then they'd be mad not to accept anyone with Justin's remarkable talent. “I got in!” exclaimed the young man; breathlessly, after having run back to the car and Brian grinned. “You don't say ...” and the grin gave way to seriousness. “But then I had no doubt at all that you would ...” he continued, sincerely. “What have you been doing?” asked Justin, seeing the circles drawn on the paper Brian was holding. “Looking for somewhere to live,” answered Brian. “Shall we have a ride around ... check out some of these locations?” he asked him. “Sure,” answered Justin. “I guess we're going to have to start thinking seriously about that ...” and Brian started the engine and moved off. Brian grew quiet and Justin watched the man's face as he began to recognize parts of the city. Whatever drew him there, Brian would never know, but he suddenly found he'd driven straight to his old neighborhood and he pulled over and cut the engine. Justin looked around him and picked up the paper. “I don't see any of these addresses ...” his voice trailed off.   “I grew up in that house,” stated Brian flatly; indicating the property he'd stopped in front of and before Justin had a chance to say anything the older man seemed to have come to a decision and Brian got out of the car. Justin blinked and putting down the paper, got out and joined Brian on the sidewalk. “Are you sure you're ready for this?” asked Justin, but Brian didn't answer him and moving forward, opened the little gate and walked up the path. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “They're not in, Brian ... we could try a little later ...” Brian had rung the bell three times and had got no answer and he closed his eyes. Maybe this was an omen; that he wasn't meant to catch up with them after all these years and he nodded and Justin squeezed the older man's arm. “She's at church ...” “Excuse me?” Brian turned around to the sound of the voice. An elderly man had opened the door to the neighboring house and stepped outside. “Joan ... Mrs. Kinney ... she'll be at church ... she's always at church ...” Brian briefly closed his eyes; didn't sound like anything had changed there. “How about Jack ... Mr. Kinney ... he still work at the plant?” asked Brian and the neighbor shook his head. “He died ... 'bout six – eight months ago ... the cancer finally got him ...” Brian swallowed and he tried to speak, but nothing came out and Justin took him by the elbow. “Thanks ...” and the blond smiled at the elderly man who began to retreat indoors but then turned back. “Shall I tell Joan who called ...” he shouted after them, but his question was ignored. Justin took the car keys out of Brian's hand and guided him back to the passenger seat. Considering he hadn't laid eyes on his Father for so long and only spoke about him in terms that were less than endearing, Justin was surprised at Brian's reaction to the news of his death and the younger man started up the vette with the intention of taking them both back to the hotel. Three blocks down, Brian spoke for the first time. “Turn left here ... and then pull over ...” he instructed and Justin glanced at him briefly before obeying the instructions and found he was bringing the car to a halt outside the gates to the cemetery. “Brian ...” Justin's concern was obvious and he tried to put his hand on Brian's arm, but the man was too quick and had got out the car before he had a chance and Brian strode off down the pathway. Brian knew where he was headed; his Grandparents were buried in the same location and it didn't take him long to locate his Father's grave. Brian shook his head and chuckled when he read the inscription: Jack Kinney ... loving Husband and Father; he couldn't believe the hypocrisy. Justin had caught up with him and now stood quietly at his side as Brian repeated the words. “Loving husband and father ... BULLSHIT!” he spat out and deciding Brian needed to get out anything he was holding in, Justin didn't try and stop him. “The only affection he ever showed was with his fists ...” Brian continued; his hatred for the man so obvious. But it wasn't just hatred that Justin could see in those flaring hazel eyes. It was sadness; sadness not for the passing of the man, but for the relationship they'd never had. “You're free of all that now ...” said Justin quietly and he slipped his hand into Brian's. The older man nodded. “But I never got to ask him why,” stated Brian, flatly and he fought to keep the tears in check. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin drove them back to the hotel and he watched over Brian as the older man dozed. There'd been so many emotions going through Brian's head; emotions he couldn't verbalize but felt all the same. All those years of abuse had ended the day Brian walked out the door of his parent's house for the last time. But their effect had lasted a lifetime and once back in the privacy of their room, the pent up feelings of nearly 30 years came to the surface. For the first time, Brian felt comfortable enough in someone's company to let them see him at his most vulnerable and though he couldn't explain it, the feeling of loss was overwhelming; loss and unanswered questions and the tears he'd never let his Father see him shed, even after the worst of beatings, eventually came. “Let me make it better ...” whispered Justin and he leaned in and kissed him and Brian finally let go; couldn't hold in the tears and knowing that Justin would never think the less of him for it, Brian cried in his arms. Around 6:30, Brian woke to find Justin lying beside him; watching him and he smiled at the concern in those baby blues. Brian didn't need to say thank you for Justin's care of him; it was there in his eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Years of hiding his feelings once again kicked in. Brian couldn't understand why he should feel the way he did about the loss of his Father and so he tried to bury them; after all, the man had never shown him the faintest affection that hadn't included a bruise or two. Justin asked if he wanted to go back later and try and talk to his Mom, but Brian had shaken his head. As far as he was concerned, both parents were dead; it was easier to cope that way. The barman had looked at Justin a little suspiciously when Brian ordered a couple of beers and the two of them took their drinks to a corner table. Last time he was here, it was Brian who'd been underage and he looked around, trying to see if there was anyone who seemed familiar. Needing a drink, Brian had freshened up and then they'd headed out. A quick look in at the diner confirmed that it was Debbie's night off and none of the men they'd seen there previously with Michael were present and they'd grabbed a quick bite to eat before heading to Woody's: Justin insisting that Brian had something to eat before he went drinking. But Woody's was just a stopping off point; an hors d'oeuvre before the main course: Babylon. Justin couldn't believe the noise assaulting his ears and his senses as Brian quietly paid the doorman to let them in. The place seemed to shake under the Thumpa Thumpa; the back-beat to this lifestyle and they pushed their way through the crowds of beautiful young men and took their place on the dance floor. Justin looked around in amazement. This exceeded even his wildest dreams and very soon his body was shining in sweat; both men's bodies were, a heady mix of sweat, alcohol and the promise of sex. “Wait 'til you see the back room ...” Brian yelled in his ear and Justin looked at him in puzzlement. But Brian grinned and taking the young man by the hand, led him down that dark corridor and Brian shook his head at the memory of coming down here as a young man when Dan had the urge; would sweep him off the dance floor and bring him down into this shadowy place and Brian couldn't deny he was using sex once more to deaden his pain. The noise and the smell in the darkness confused Justin at first, but it wasn't long until his eyes focussed and he could make out the men lining the walls; fucking and being fucked and his mouth opened in amazement. “You just keep that mouth open ...” whispered Brian in his ear and gently, he guided Justin down onto his knees. The young man had learned well; from the master in fact, and he took Brian in his mouth and Brian realized it would never be just sex with Justin. Sucking, licking, using his tongue as he'd been taught, Justin brought Brian to climax and bringing the blond up off his knees, Brian kissed him, tasting himself on the young man's lips and they returned to the dance floor. “Brian ... Brian Kinney?” said the voice as they came out of the darkness and Brian turned around and came face to face with Dan Fuller. To be continued. Many thanks to Lois and Judy for all your help, advice and friendship.