Pain Management I watched him get up and walk away. Christ, I thought he was passed all this, at least I'd hoped he was. But then again, am I? He was always saying why couldn't he remember, whilst all the time I was wishing I could forget. And still, even now, every time I pull into a damn underground parking lot or catch a baseball game, I can hear the swish as the bat moved through the air, the sound as it made contact with Justin and the thud when he hit the ground. I still wake up occasionally in a cold sweat-filled panic and only when I see him lying beside me, hear his breathing, can I relax - a little. I can only imagine his nightmares. And I know he still gets them from time to time. I can feel him shaking and hear him cry out. The cry he never had a chance to make when it actually happened. And I hold him and though he never fully wakes, I hope to God he knows I'm there and that he’s safe in my arms. I saw it happen, but I wasn't the one who ended up in a coma and then spent weeks in rehab only to find I could never again fully recover the use of a hand. His drawing hand, the one he used to produce those beautiful pictures. I've still got the one he did of me. Even now, he doesn't know it was me who bought it and so far hasn't discovered the hiding place I found for it. I can only imagine what he's going through now, after Darren's bashing. When he came back from the Gay and Lesbian Centre, he hardly said a word other than this kid, Cody, stood up saying we should fight back. Talked about forming a Pink Posse for Chrissakes. And then I find him hunched over the light box, discarded drawings for the next edition of 'Rage' around him. Pictures that clearly show Justin's own rage that still burns inside. His hand was hurting, but when I tried to massage it, he pulled away, not wanting to be helped or comforted. And maybe that's it; he can't take anyone else's help until he feels he's helped himself. He thinks he didn't do enough to stand up to Hobbs and to only be given Community Service - what sort of fucking punishment was that! But that's the law and until it changes, it's what we're stuck with. So, can I really blame him if he's looking for answers elsewhere? He's knows I'm here for him, and I guess I'm gonna have to wait until he comes to me. And if I could take that pain away, I would. But he has to work through this for himself. Until then, I have to deal with my own pain. For despite what he may think, whatever hurts him hurts me. The end. Apri 30th 2004