Picture provided by Susan ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 6: Brian sat on the bed, seemingly unable to move, so slowly, Justin reached around and undid the buttons on Brian’s shirt and pulled it off his shoulders. He was kneeling on the bed behind him and, having discarded the garment and exposing Brian’s back now proceeded to kiss him on the neck, running his fingers down the man’s spine and he felt him flinch. “Does that still hurt?” he asked him, cautiously. “No, not really ... it’s okay” came the reaply and having kissed Brian’s neck, Justin worked his way down his spine, licking and kissing what remained of the marks left by the belt. Brian closed his eyes and lent his head back, moaning softly under Justin’s gentle touch, trying to block out all memories of the trick that still, even now, threatened to invade his mind. Justin reached around to the zipper on Brian’s jeans and suddenly, Brian was brought back to reality and he grabbed the blond's wrist. “Don’t". Justin moved so that he could see his face. “What’s wrong?” Looking at him, Justin could see the pain that was still trapped inside. “He did that. He ... he made me ...” Justin caressed Brian’s neck, speaking softly as he did so. “Brian, that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean you wanted it or enjoyed it ... your body just reacted, that’s all”. “Would it help to talk about it? You still haven’t told me anything about what actually happened.” Brian looked at him; if only he could open up, tell him how he really felt, then maybe the lingering pain would go away. After all, after the bashing, all of Justin’s deepest despair had been on show for him to see. He’d trusted him completely, allowed Brian in; needing to be healed, and now the blond desperately wanted to heal him and so he answered him quietly. “I don’t know where to start I ... I didn’t think anything of it. He was just another trick … like all the others ...”. Brian closed his eyes; this was so hard. He’d tried to force it from his mind, but that hadn’t helped; maybe this is what was needed after all to banish the demons. He opened his eyes as Justin took his hand, holding it: entwining their fingers. “I realize how difficult this is for you ... to admit how you feel about anything and you still think I’m a kid who wouldn’t understand”. “I know you’re not a kid, it’s just ...” Brian shrugged, for right now he couldn’t work out how he felt about anything. “It’s okay ...”, Justin whispered. “I know you find it hard to trust people … accept any help, but you can trust me”. “I want to be here for you. If it hadn’t been for you after the bashing ... being there for me ... through all the nightmares … the temper tantrums ...” Brian smiled, but then his tone became serious once more. “You were quite a drama Princess … but you had every right to be”. “And you have every right to be angry and hurt ...” Justin tried to reassure him. “I shouldn’t have treated you so bad”, Brian interrupted him. “I ... I should have told you from the start and I shouldn’t have thrown you out ….” Brian wasn't about to admit that part of the reason why he hadn't talked to Justin earlier was because of the bashing, not wanting to bring back reminders of another attack; one that had almost ended the young man’s life. “That doesn’t matter now. What matters is how you deal with this,” answered Justin. “And I know this is something only you can come to terms with... just like it was for me”. “But I’m here for you and if you need to tell me what I have to do then don’t be afraid to tell me …. don’t let me have to guess what it is you need ... I might get it wrong”. “I doubt that”, answered Brian, for it seemed to him that right now that Justin knew him better than he knew himself. Brian continued; suddenly he needed to tell Justin everything, it wouldn’t stay bottled up inside any longer; it had to come out. “It all happened so quickly. He hit me ... the next thing I knew I was being dragged across the floor … and dumped on the bed”. “He unzipped me …”, Brian stopped, knowing he didn’t need to draw Justin any pictures and he took a deep breath. “He tied me down and pulled off my clothes ... and then he took off his belt and started to beat me ...” The words caught in Brian's throat; memories of this beating now blending with the suffering he endured as a child and Justin squeezed his hand. He’d heard a little about Brian’s childhood and would never understand how a Father could treat a son like Brian’s Father had; with the beatings and constantly telling his young son how he should have been aborted. Brian shook his head, trying unsuccessfully to chase away the memories; now not thinking he could continue, but Justin waited. He had to say the words: face up to it and move on. The pain in his chest was indescribable; everything was starting to well up from within. And so the words came out in short bursts: Brian barely able now to repress the anguish fighting to escape. “He ... he was on top of me … pushing me down ... it hurt so much … and I couldn’t breathe ...” Brian's voice was barely audible and he was trembling. “He had a knife, Justin. I thought he was going to cut me ... kill me … and I couldn’t stop it”. And finally, Brian couldn’t hold back the tears no matter how hard he tried; the sobs coming hard and fast from deep down within him. Christ, he never thought he’d come to this, allowing Justin to see how scared he’d been: how scared he still was. But the blond took him in his arms and Brian buried his face in Justin’s chest, clutching him tightly. Shit, where was that control he’d promised himself he’d repossess? But for the moment, he was resigned to giving that over to Justin, albeit temporarily, while he emptied himself of the agony that had been building up inside, knowing that until this was done, he couldn’t move on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He laid him back onto the pillows and gently, Justin removed the rest of Brian’s clothing; he was sleeping now. He’d held him for almost an hour whilst he’d cried in his arms and Justin had stroked his hair and rocked him slowly back and forth. Once or twice he’d tried to speak, but the words hadn’t made any sense; had just been garbled sounds. And when the sobs had died down, Justin continued to rock; a comforting motion for them both, his own tears running down his face, moistening his lips. Quickly, Justin undressed and got into bed beside him, pulling the sheet up over them. He drew Brian towards him, putting his arms around the man, needing to protect him from the grief that had overtaken him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin stirred around daybreak, the watery sunlight beginning to shine in through the windows spreading across his face as he opened his eyes to find Brian watching him. Justin smiled and studied the man; Brian seemed calm after the trauma of the previous night, but his face was pale and eyes still slightly red and swollen from the tears. Brian lent down to kiss him; neither of them speaking as he pulled back the sheet, uncovering Justin’s body. When he’d woken up in Justin’s arms there had been an overwhelming sense of relief; that a huge weight had somehow been lifted from him. He’d slowly released himself from the younger man’s hold and had lain there, watching him: Justin’s eyelids fluttering slightly in his sleep; the blond hair framing his face. He looked so young; so beautiful, and Brian had said a silent prayer, thanking God it was he and not Justin who'd had to go through this. And a sudden wave of guilt overtook him at how they’d made light of the young hustler’s murder; ignoring the risk they took every time they hooked up with a stranger. There were times over the passed days when he thought he would lose his mind, but then Justin had opened those beautiful blue eyes and smiled at him and Brian knew his healing had begun. Justin’s heart missed a beat as Brian reached for him, needing him now. For the man’s body never failed to have an impact on him and left him breathless; wanting to touch him, take him, allowing himself to be taken and he was relieved that Brian no longer rejected him. His instincts had told him there’d been something dreadfully wrong and had initially felt hurt that Brian hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him what it was. But now he was back where he belonged and he would show the man he loved how it was supposed to be and he could feel Brian’s erection against his leg as he returned his kiss. Hesitating at first, Brian then lent over him to get to the nightstand and he opened the drawer, reaching for the packet of condoms and lube. “Not yet”, and Justin took them from him, setting them down on top of the nightstand. “There’s time enough for that later”. Gently; so very gently, Justin pushed Brian onto his back and, starting at his temple, he ran his hand down Brian’s face and neck, along his shoulder and down his arm, to be closely followed by a procession of sweet, tender kisses. Brian shivered at first; just for a second frowning, remembering fleetingly, in contrast the touch of the trick. A touch that had left him feeling used and contaminated, but one he quickly banished from his thoughts, forcing himself to relax and he sighed now at Justin’s light, feathery touch. Justin had felt the shiver, which coursed through Brian and thought, for one moment, that the man might recoil from him. Trust: a commodity Brian had never given away freely: was now having to be re-learned. He ran his hands over the brunet’s body; artistic fingers caressing him in a way Brian couldn’t remember before, with no part of him escaping Justin’s ministrations. Brian’s body was his canvass and he was about to create a work of art; something beautiful; memorable, as every pore of the man’s being now absorbed Justin, driving away the violation inflicted upon him, sending Brian into a heady mix of pleasure and wonder. For it seemed the younger man knew exactly the right thing to do; exerting enough pressure on him without inflicting even the tiniest trace of force, only wanting to delight and satisfy him. Not for Justin was the need to subdue and dominate. Licking upwards now, from stomach to throat, Justin took Brian’s face in his hands and kissed him. Brian smiled; now was the time. Picking up the condom packet and lube from where Justin had placed them on the nightstand, Brian tore open the packet with his teeth and took out the latex and gave it to Justin, who lent forward to put it on him. Brian groaned and closed his eyes; a sudden flashback of another man’s hand and he opened his eyes when he heard Justin speak, seeing the concern in his face. “Hey, this is me”, said the blond and Brian drew in a deep breath and Justin realized it would take some time for Brian to recover completely the trust so cruelly abused and he smiled and brushed the man’s cheek with the back of his hand, wanting to assure him he was now in safe hands: hands that wouldn’t abuse or defile him. Justin took the lube and squeezed some onto his fingers. Carefully, he took Brian's cock in his hand, stroking him slowly and gently; covering him with the slippery substance. Brian sighed as Justin’s fingers held him just long enough, before releasing him and settling back onto the pillows. Brian moved forward between Justin’s legs, but then held back and Justin realized he was waiting for permission to proceed, that Brian had wanted to make sure, never wishing ever to force Justin against his will: like he had been forced. But permission was given readily: Justin not ever imagining a time when he would not want Brian inside him. Brian squeezed out a little lube and worked it gently into Justin’s hole; the blond then wrapping his legs around him, pulling him in even closer, imploring him: Justin's need to feel Brian inside him so compelling, to fill him and possess him completely. The blond gasped as Brian entered him, slowly at first and he tightened his grip around him, every muscle in his legs willing him in further; driving him on. And he got his wish as Brian increased the tempo, hardly withdrawing now before pushing in deeper and deeper. And Justin heard himself pleading, “harder ... faster”, both of them now panting heavily; their bodies glistening with sweat. Justin reached down between them to take his cock in his hand, pulling himself in rhythm with Brian’s thrusts; that oh so sweet pleasure and pain coursing through his entire body; the rhythm that was bringing them both ever closer to orgasm. Justin came first, moaning loudly, shooting spurts of cum into his hand and over Brian’s belly; and he tightened around him, heightening the orgasm of the man inside him. Looking up at Brian, Justin watched his face, relieved to see no remnants of last night's anguish. And he could see the pleasure in Brian’s face and it felt so good to know he was the source of that pleasure and, when Brian said the blond’s name over and over as his orgasm hit, Justin pulled him down to kiss him; the words entering Justin’s mouth on Brian’s breath. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They’d held each other in an embrace that neither of them had wanted to let go before Brian had finally rolled off him and they lay back on the pillows; both of them trying to bring their breathing under control as Brian disposed of the condom; the blond turned towards him, caressing his face, smiling down at him. “Are you okay?” he asked and in answer, Brian put his arm around Justin’s shoulders and drew him down, kissing him deeply once more. He held him. It felt good to have the blond back in his arms and in his bed. He’d missed this closeness so much. He’d missed Justin’s touch and being near enough to smell the shampoo in his hair and the lingering scent of sex on his skin. Justin had filled up that empty space deep within him and he felt complete again, but he sighed, wondering why was it he could never bring himself to tell him that: how much he really cared. And how could he ever have confused this with what had been forced on him before and he felt more than just a little ashamed that he’d pushed Justin away, allowing him to think that he was somehow to blame for the anger, despair and wretchedness he’d experienced after the assault. For this was one area of Brian’s life that was changing, however much he tried to deny it. An aspect that he kept telling himself he was in control of, whatever the reality, and that was his life since Justin entered it: a life that was now changed forever, regardless of what the future might bring. Justin offered him love: a selfless, all consuming love. An emotion Brian had denied himself for too long. An emotion he was unfamiliar with and one that still confused and scared the shit out of him. And he wondered, shamefully, when he would ever allow himself to accept that love, if he ever would: and give of himself as much as Justin was prepared to give to him. For he knew their relationship was fragile at the best of times, owing to his inability to believe that someone could actually love him and he hoped that day of final acceptance might not be too far away. Justin now lay his head on Brian’s shoulder; his hand lying on the other man’s chest and he could feel the rise and fall as Brian’s gentle breathing signalled that he had fallen into a peaceful sleep; a long overdue tranquility. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin propped himself up on his elbow, looking down on Brian, his fingers running lightly over the other man’s chest. “I was wondering, do you have to go straight back to work?” The sun was up fully now, but they lingered in bed, enjoying the intimacy that had been so lacking these last few days. “Why ... what are you thinking?” “Well ... it might be a good idea to get away for a few days ... go some place where you can recharge your batteries”. “That’s not a bad idea. Did you have anywhere in mind?” “We could go up to Vermont ...” “It isn’t snowboarding weather yet”. “I wasn’t thinking about snowboarding. I was thinking more about ... lazing in bed ... or lying in front of an open fire”. “How very romantic.” Justin could hear the underlying sarcasm in his voice and gently slapped Brian on the rump, knowing how he reacted whenever a sentimental or romantic notion was ever mentioned. “No, seriously ... a few days away from here with nothing very much to do ... just you and me. What do you think?” Brian considered Justin’s suggestion; it was very tempting. “Sounds great, but what about school and the diner?” “A few days won’t hurt … I’ve caught up with everything I needed to at school and Debbie won’t mind”. “Okay ... I’m sure the office can do without me for a little while longer ... I haven’t taken any vacation time for ages. I’ll ring Cynthia later and let her know and we’ll make the reservations”, and Justin turned on his side, leaning back into his lover and feeling Brian’s arms around him; hopeful that at last, things seemed to be getting back on track. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Around midday, Justin rang Debbie to tell her that he and Brian were going away for a few days and not to breathe a word to anyone. Debbie chuckled, “You two have a wonderful time ... sounds like just what Brian needs ... what you both need”. Brian had informed a very surprised Cynthia that his back had recovered, but that he intended to take a short vacation and would return to work around the middle of the following week. Using the computer, they checked out what accommodation was available and found an establishment in a quiet location, offering suites, each with a fireplace and Jacuzzi. Perfect. They spent the rest of the day relaxing at the loft, each packing enough clothes and toiletries to last a few days and they set off very early the following morning. It was going to be a long drive, but taking turns at the wheel and stopping just for gas and comfort breaks and a quick bite to eat along the way, they should be there by nightfall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Old Inn was owned by Tony and Walter: a couple who had been together for nearly 25 years and it was Walter who now showed them up to their suite. “I’ve put you in number 5”, he told them. “There’s a really nice view of the lake from the windows. It’s still pretty quiet up here ... but it won’t stay that way once we get the snow. But right now ... you shouldn’t be disturbed too much.” He opened the door and handed Brian the key as their bags were placed inside the suite and Brian couldn’t help but catch the look he was given, a knowing grin, at seeing him with such an attractive young man. It was now dusk and the lights were on low. There were fresh flowers on the table and a bottle of wine chilling in the small refrigerator, which was disguised as part of the period furniture. A fire was already burning in the hearth. Justin removed his coat, grinning at Brian, as they were left alone. “This is pretty neat.” “Yeah, it is kinda nice”, agreed Brian, taking off his coat and picking up his bag and placing it on the bed so he could start to unpack. Justin went to explore and returned a few moments later, approaching him from behind and placing his arms around Brian’s waist. “That Jacuzzi looks pretty inviting ... I’ve never actually been in one before”, and he nuzzled up into Brian’s ear. “Well then … I’d have to say your education has been sadly lacking”, and Brian turned around to face him and Justin pulled Brian’s sweater up over his head and tossed it on the bed before removing his own. The rest of their clothing followed. Naked, they moved to the large bathroom, which contained a shower stall as well as the Jacuzzi and now with the hot water bubbling around them, Brian closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax, trying to push all thoughts of recent events from his mind. When he opened them, he found Justin was studying him intently. “Why don’t you scoot on over here?” and Justin moved through the water towards him: into his arms. Brian smiled down at him and stroked the blond hair. “It’s gonna be fine ... I promise”, he whispered, hardly daring to believe his own words. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some time later and very reluctantly, they dragged themselves from the tub to get ready for dinner. There were only two other couples staying at the inn at this time and the dining room was spacious and each table partitioned off from the next with plants and screens, which meant they could eat their meal in total privacy. Later, returning to their suite and a little alcohol going to their heads, there was now only one thing on their minds. They undressed quickly and, climbing on to the deep sprung mattress, Brian allowed Justin to gently push him down on to his back and tenderly, the blond kissed him along the shoulder and down his chest, taking turns to suck one nipple and then the other before proceeding down towards his goal, stopping to dip his tongue in Brian’s navel on the way. Brian arched his back and sighed, “You’ve been taught well”, he breathed. “By the Master”, Justin grinned back at him and, closing his eyes, Brian moaned as Justin stroked his thighs, teasingly close to his cock, but never quite touching. Eventually, just when Brian thought he could stand it no longer, Justin took him in his mouth, his tongue working around the head of his cock, licking up the pre-cum now leaking from him, sucking him deep into his throat, continuing to stroke his thigh and he heard him moan louder as he felt the stream of cum hit the back of his throat; tasting it’s saltiness. He devoured everything Brian had to give, taking him over the edge as his orgasm took hold. Then, climbing the length of Brian’s body, Justin planted a kiss on his mouth and Brian licked his lips, tasting himself on his young lover. “This was definitely one of your better ideas”, and Brian pulled the covers up over them with Justin nestling down on his chest: the embers just faintly glowing in the fireplace. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The next few days found them reveling in each other’s company; lazing in bed and eating breakfast in their room. Then, wrapped up against the cold, they would venture out for a little sightseeing, with a late lunch at a small restaurant on the far side of the lake. They would then return to their suite and make love: long and leisurely, on the rug in front of the fire. Brian taking Justin to places he’d never dreamed of; never knew existed until joined with Brian’s body; two becoming one. Brian marveled at Justin’s willingness to allow him to take possession of his body, his heart and soul. Relinquishing control of his well being into Brian’s care, trusting him completely: a trust he was starting to return, as Brian gave up his own body now to Justin. After their lovemaking they would shower together, or take a bottle of wine to the Jacuzzi. Then, relaxed and refreshed, they would go down to dinner. Occasionally, Justin would notice that Brian appeared to be a little preoccupied as if something unexpected and unwelcome had briefly entered his thoughts and then Brian would catch Justin looking at him and smile. “It’s okay ... it’s maybe gonna take a little longer than I thought ... that’s all”and Justin would lean over, take his hand and kiss him. “I’ll be here for you ... whatever it takes”, he’d whisper; reassuring him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Their short vacation over, all too soon, it was time to start on their journey back home. Brian would return to work, confident that in time he would banish the painful memories of the assault from his mind, taking control of his life once more, no longer feeling powerless or weak. There was no way he was going to be constantly looking over his shoulder, fearing every stranger he was bound to meet. He wouldn’t be broken; his Father hadn’t succeeded and neither would the man who’d threatened his life, inflicting such pain, almost to the point of destroying him and shattering his already insecure relationship with Justin. For surely, like Justin, he was a survivor; the young man coming through a time that nearly took his life and his dreams away from him and emerging on the other side determined to succeed. And now it was Brian’s turn, dealing with the rape, confident he was strong again, and he wondered also if he was capable now of ever putting behind him his damaged childhood; put aside the feelings of worthlessness he grew up with, which had left him emotionally devoid. For having come through the assault with his sanity intact, undoubtedly confirmed that he too, was a survivor. So could he now not put a closure to the painful experiences of his boyhood and move on from those as well? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “We should do this again ... maybe when the snow comes”, observed Brian as they climbed onboard the jeep. Justin looked at him relieved. “You mean that ... you weren’t bored with it being so quiet up here and just having me around?” Leaning over, Brian took him in his arms and kissed him. Far from being bored, he'd felt totally comfortable and relaxed in Justin's company, rebuilding his faith and trust and he declared that this had been just what the doctor ordered. And indeed it was: a time to recover and reclaim that sanity, and a chance to be healed by someone who cared for him, even if he couldn't acknowledge it in so many words. But Justin caught the look in Brian's eyes as he shifted into gear and pulled away; the look that hinted how he really felt; imploring Justin to be patient with him; reinforcing the unspoken bond between them. The End August 15,2004