Brian picture by Tadzio
____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 12: Justin wanted desperately to comfort Brian. He’d tried to take his hand, to give him a sign of support, but the young man only pulled away, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. It was an unseasonably cold day and, standing in the cemetery, wrapped up against the wind, with only a few mourners present, Justin couldn’t help but think what a terrible waste of a young life this was and thanked God that it wasn’t Brian’s casket now being lowered into the ground. Ricky and Brian had both been reported missing following their disappearance from Martindale House. Thankfully, Marco had fully recovered from his injury and hadn’t admitted what had really happened, so no further action was to be taken. The Police had decided that they had enough evidence on Nikolai to link him to Ricky’s death without involving Brian, who now stood by the graveside of his friend. He’d turned 18 just the day before, but had refused all offers of any kind of celebration, however muted. Birthdays had never been an important occasion in the Kinney household and this year especially, found Brian in no mood for festivities. Ricky’s family had washed their hands of their young son many years before and had refused to be present at the service. But Justin had wanted to show support for Brian and his family and friends had agreed, albeit sadly, to attend the funeral with them. Debbie and Michael, along with Emmett, Ted, Lindsay, Melanie, Daphne and Jennifer and Craig Taylor, now made their way back to the loft. Unbeknown to Brian, along with Justin, they had all contributed to the cost of the young man’s laying to rest, thus avoiding a pauper’s grave. In typical Debbie fashion, she had supplied enough food to feed a small army, though Brian refused to eat anything, preferring to sit by himself, a little away from the group, but a couple of hours and lots of small talk later, everyone started to make their goodbyes. Never one to shy away, Debbie approached Brian. “Honey, I hope we’re going to see a lot more of you now and you know you’re always welcome at our place”. She kissed him on the cheek and patted his shoulder, hardly able to disguise the sadness she felt for the suffering of this young man. “Bri,” said Michael. “You wanna come over later? We can do something, or just watch TV: Whatever.” “Thanks Mikey, but I’m not sure what I’m gonna do yet”. “Okay, but if you wanna talk about anything, I’ll always be here”. “I know. I’ll see you soon, I promise”. Daphne and Lindsay both kissed Justin goodbye. “If you need any help with him, give me a call”, whispered Lindsay. “Thanks Lindz”. “That goes for us too dear”, said Jennifer, taking her son’s hand and Craig placed a hand on his shoulder. "If there's anything I can do…". “Thanks Daph, and thanks everyone for coming today, we appreciate it” and Justin closed the door behind them. Brian headed up the steps and lay down on the bed, wanting to put a little space between them now they were alone and to try and get his thoughts in order. After several conversations, Justin had eventually succeeded in assuring Brian that Ricky’s death was in no way his fault and that he in fact, had tried all he could to save his friend. Brian already knew, deep down, that everyone is responsible for their own actions and Ricky’s decision to continue living the life he had been was his own. “He was lucky to have you for a friend”, Justin asserted. And knowing now that Brian needed time to himself, Justin set about tidying the loft, putting away the leftover food and placing the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. It was getting late and quietly, he went to the closet intending to fetch pillows and blankets to make up a bed on the sofa. Brian stirred. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you”. “That’s okay. What are doing with those?” “I thought you’d want to be on your own tonight. I was gonna make up a bed in the living room”. “Wouldn’t you rather sleep here?” “Well yes, but only if your sure……” Justin replaced the blanket and pillows and moved over to the bed and removed his shirt and tie. Brian had started to undress and now naked, reached out for him. Without a word, he unzipped Justin’s pants and slid them and his underwear down his legs. Stretching up, he brought him in closer for a kiss. “I never really thanked you for everything you’ve done,” he whispered. “You don’t have to thank me by doing this”, assured Justin. “I know, but I want to.” Justin kicked off his clothing and climbed onto the bed beside him. He reached across and traced the outline of the young man’s jaw with his hand and, tilting his chin upwards, bent forward for another kiss and Brian’s lips parted to allow Justin’s tongue entry. Tongue’s mingling, each attempting to gain control over the other, their mouths eventually parted, the urgent need for oxygen their only reason for losing contact. Brian gently pushed Justin onto his back: softly kissing every crevice, every rib, as he worked his way down and Justin arched his back at the touch. Brian took Justin in his mouth, rolling his tongue around the older man’s cock; Justin moaned. Every nerve was tingling and he ran his fingers through Brian’s hair, tugging it gently. He pulled himself up and, lifting Brian’s head to face him spoke quietly. “I want you inside me”. “Are you sure?” asked Brian and the blond nodded, his need for this young man so totally uncontrollable. Brian reached into the nightstand and took out the condoms and lube. He tore open the packet with his teeth and handed the rubber to Justin, who put it on him. He squeezed some lube onto his finger, and worked a little around Justin’s hole and then the condom. Justin gasped at the shock; he’d forgotten how cold the slippery substance was. “It’ll heat up in a minute”, Brian assured him. With Justin’s legs around his waist, Brian lent forward and kissed him: Justin holding him behind his neck, not wanting to let him go, but longing to feel Brian inside him. He groaned as Brian entered him: it had been a long time since he’d allowed anyone to take him like this. Slowly at first, almost pulling all the way out before pushing in again, Brian’s thrusts became faster, “Harder”, breathed Justin, urging him on. He wanted to feel all of Brian inside him, penetrating the very heart of him. Increasing the speed of his thrusts, Brian was now lost inside Justin, his heart pounding so hard it threatened to burst from his chest. The man under him; giving of himself so completely, was offering up to him totally; his body, his heart and his soul. Brian had been allowed to enter the very essence of Justin. He could smell him, taste him and could feel the energy force flowing between them. Brian now closed his eyes and he was breathing heavily, the blood pounding in his head. Their bodies joined together so completely, that Justin felt as if his very core was being explored, opened up for all to see; that Brian had reached down into the deepest part of him. And yet he felt a hesitation in Brian, an unwillingness still to give of himself as totally. And, looking at him, lost in pleasure, Justin could not help but think how beautiful he was. Brian’s eyes opened and they stared at one another. They had made love several times since the first, and surely would do many times more, but this connection was so deep, so fulfilling and overwhelming, that they both knew that no-one would ever make this same bond with either of them ever again. This coupling; this union so intense, would join them forever, no matter where their lives might take them from this day on. They were both close to the abyss. Justin's cock screaming out for attention, he reached down between them to take it in his hand, pulling hard, bring him nearer to the edge. Justin's orgasm hit first, covering both of them in spurts of cum and Brian felt him clench tightly around him, heightening his own orgasm and with one final thrust, Brian came, filling the condom, releasing them from the intensity of their lovemaking. Brian rolled onto his back. Both of them exhausted; neither of them spoke, but they didn't need to. After a few minutes, having recovered his breath, Brian turned on his side towards Justin as the older man turned the other way: Not rejecting him, but allowing himself to move back into Brian's body. And, with Justin cradled in Brian's arms, sleep descended. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During the days that followed, Justin had dared not mention the question he'd wanted to ask the most. They had been to the Education Department and had completed all the necessary forms to enable Brian to return to school, but neither of them had spoken about their future. They’d returned to the loft after buying Brian some new clothing, with him insisting that he would get a part-time job in order to repay Justin. Brian had never accepted charity of any kind and didn't want to be beholden to him or rely on him to be funded through school. Brian was hanging up his new things in the closet when Justin decided he could wait no longer. "You know, we've never really spoken about you living here with me. It's just sort of happened". Brian continued to put away the clothes in the drawers where Justin had made room without acknowledging him. He'd been waiting for this conversation. He knew what Justin wanted from him, but wasn't sure if or when he would be ready for any long-term commitment. "Brian, did you hear me?" Justin was standing at the bottom of the steps, watching him and listening intently for his reply. Brian turned around to face him. "I heard you. I'm just not sure I can answer you right now". He knew how disappointed Justin would be at his response, but the truth was he didn't know and would rather say so, then make Justin any false promises of hope of any future for them together. "You're right", said Justin, smiling. "You're only 18 for Chrissakes and here I am asking you to make a commitment when you should be out fucking as many guys as you can; I know I was at your age". Brian came down the steps and was now standing only a few inches away from him. In the passed weeks, he had continued to grow taller than the blond in front of him, his lean frame filling out, more defined. "I know what you're asking of me, but I don't know if I'm ready, or if I ever will be". Running his hand through his hair, Brian took a step away. "Look", he said. "Do you mind if I take a walk? I think I need some air. I won't be long". As he started to move away, Justin caught hold of his hand. “Before you go, there’s something else I need to say. I know you think you were never loved as a kid, but that doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of being loved; that you can’t love someone else in return”. Brian stared at Justin and knew now more than ever that he had to put some distance between them in order to get his head together and, picking up his jacket, walked away from him, out of the door and onto the street. He knew what the older man was offering him: Love, commitment and a future together. But having never experienced the like before, Brian couldn't even begin to imagine what that might entail. Would commitment mean losing one's own identity, or would it provide the environment in which to grow? To know that someone loved you; would that inhibit you or free you to do the things you wanted to, knowing that person cared for you enough to allow you to do so? To show your emotions, would that make you vulnerable to pain or would it make you stronger, willing to fight to keep what you treasured the most? If Justin were offering him these things, what could Brian offer in return? Honesty, never making promises he knew he might not be able to keep? Yes, certainly, this was one thing he'd always possessed. An honesty that was downright hurtful at times, but what was the point of lying to Justin about something he might not be able to fulfil? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Having walked for a couple of hours, Brian finally decided to go back home and caught himself at how he’d just thought about the loft. He now had something to say and hoped Justin was ready to hear it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian entered the loft, Justin having already given him keys a few days before. A sign early on of the level of commitment he might already be affording him. Justin was at the computer, working on a layout for a new advertising campaign when Brian returned. He could see by the expression on his face that he had made up his mind about something, and only hoped it might be what he wanted to hear. Brian went over to where Justin was sitting and perched on the edge of the desk. "Look, I don't know if I'll ever be the person you want me to be or can give you the sort of commitment you're looking for. But if you want honesty, someone who won't bullshit you and you're prepared to take things one day at a time, then who knows. You can never say never and if you're okay with that, then that's fine by me". They both got to their feet, trying to read in each other’s eyes the truth that lay behind them: a truth that didn’t need words to confirm it’s existence. Realising this was a huge commitment on Brian’s part, a commitment unsaid, but nonetheless real for all that, Justin smiled. "Then I guess that's fine by me too", he said, putting his arms around the young man and they kissed. After what seemed an endless amount of time, Brian gently pulled away. "There's something I need to do. Can you give me a ride?" "Sure", answered Justin. "Where do you need to go?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Driving through the old neighbourhood, distant memories returned to Brian. Memories of a time so painful he could hardly believe he was willing to put himself through this again. He asked Justin to stay in the car; this was something he had to do alone and entering the door of the social club, he searched through the smoke filled room to find the man he was looking for. Jack Kinney was not a difficult man to find. His large frame could be easily identified sitting at the table, playing cards with his friends. "Hi Pop". Brian thought he would never utter these words again and now standing at his Father's side, wondered why he had ever been afraid of him, allowing himself to be so hurt by this man. This man that age had not treated kindly, whose grey complexion did little to disguise the cancer that was already growing inside him. Jack coughed and looked up in surprise at the good-looking young man. It took a few moments for him to register the face now standing before him. “Well, if it isn’t Sonny-Boy”. “Can we talk Pop?” and Brian moved away from the table and from Jack’s friends. This was one conversation he wanted between just the two of them. Standing on their own at the far side of the room, they faced each other. “What the fuck do you want?” Brian laughed. His Father’s attitude towards him certainly hadn’t mellowed with the years. “Still as loving as ever I see”, he answered. “I just wanted to ask you something. Why did you do it, beat on me all the time? Mom says it’s because you hated yourself, but I wanted to hear it from you. Was it me, was it always my fault?” Jack studied the face of his son. ‘Christ, he’s turned into a looker alright’ he thought. ‘I bet he has to fight the girls off with a stick’. But this young man was no longer the same son whom he’d beaten into a corner; he was not the same kid who’d ended up black and blue after Jack’s drinking sessions, coming home after another shitty day at a dead end job. But he admired his balls, coming here, facing up to him after all this time. “I guess I never should’ve tried to be a family man”, he said eventually, as if this statement gave him the right to take out his own frustrations on his small son. “And that’s it?” asked Brian. “Your excuse for laying into me at every opportunity? You’re pathetic. I don’t know why I bothered to come here, but I thought I’d give you the chance to tell me the truth for once in your life”. “Well”, continued Brian, stepping in closer, right in his Father’s face. “Here’s a truth for you. I’m gay”. Jack stared at him. That wasn’t possible, no son of his could be a fucking faggot. Christ, he hoped his friends hadn’t heard. Brian turned to walk away, but Jack grabbed him by the arm. “Are you telling me you’re a fucking fairy?” he whispered into his son’s ear. Brian smiled back at him. Jack was furious and brought back his arm, intent on hitting him. But Brian, now older, bigger and stronger, pushed him aside and then grabbed him by the collar of his jacket. Pushing him against the wall, Brian brought his own arm up, but instead of striking him, he stopped. He let go of the man and stepped back. No-one would blame him if he’d struck back at his Father after all those years of abuse, but Brian knew that to do so would mean he was just as bad, that he’d reduced himself to Jack’s level. “I’m not gonna fight you, Pop. I’m not like you. I’m gonna get into college. I can be anything I want to be … and I’m gonna be somebody, do something with my life; not just move from one stinking job to another”, and the conviction in Brian’s voice was plain enough. For the last time, Brian looked at his Father and for once saw fear in Jack’s eyes as he turned and walked away. Reaching the door, Brian found Justin standing there. He’d got nervous waiting out in the car and was anxious to know that Brian was okay. Seeing how he’d walked away from his Father without succumbing to the violence that had been his very existence for so many years brought a swelling of pride to his throat. He smiled at Brian and, together, they left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the day before Brian was due to return to school. They’d been shopping for the supplies he would need to take with him and had returned to the loft after lunch at the diner. Justin was working at the computer and Brian looking through his new school books when there was a knock at the door. “Do you wanna get that?” asked Justin. Opening the door, Brian was surprised to find a deliveryman standing there. “Parcel for Mr. Brian Kinney” he stated. “That’s me”, answered Brian. “Would you sign the proof of delivery please?” and he gave Brian a pen for him to sign the note and then handed him the package. Closing the door, Brian studied the wrapping paper intently and Justin could barely contain his own excitement. “Aren’t you gonna open it?” he asked. Resting the parcel on the table, Brian tore at the brown paper and opened the box inside. Justin had walked over and was now standing beside him. Brian swallowed. He could feel the tears behind his eyes and fought to keep them back. From inside the parcel he picked up the soccer boots and examined them. They were top of the range. “Fuck. These must have cost a fortune” and Brian looked at the blond in disbelief. “Well, you’re gonna have to look the part when you make the team”, said Justin, putting an arm around Brian’s waist. “So I guess you’d better try wearing them in, but not on this polished floor,” he added, smiling at him and Brian grinned back. The End. July 14, 2004