Brian picture by Tadzio ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 5: Pass the Parcel The only time Brian felt really happy was out on the soccer field. He’d spend hours practising shooting and dribbling with the ball and it hadn't taken long for the other kids to start taking notice. And now at 15, Brian was starting to fill out. Living with the Kramer’s since he’d been taken into care, was at last beginning to show results. It hadn’t been easy. After years of physical and emotional abuse from his Father and neglect by his Mother, Brian had found it hard to trust anyone. With regular and nourishing meals provided by Mrs. Kramer, Brian had put on a little weight, had grown in height and become stronger. He still found it difficult to believe that someone actually cared how he was feeling, was genuinely interested in how he was doing at school, and generally was there whenever he needed someone. Mr. Kramer had taken him fishing out on the lake a couple of times. Social Services had told the Foster-Carers about the abuse Brian has suffered at the hands of his parents and whilst alone, Mr. Kramer had tried to encourage Brian to talk about it. But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. It had taken a long time for Brian to accept he was in care and he still regarded it as his fault, that he must be to blame for all the times his Father beat him. So he tried to forget that part of his life had ever happened, but had begun to have the odd nightmare, where he would feel himself falling. Like the time he fell down the stairs after his Father hit him. And he would wake up shaking and sweating. After repeated encouragement from the sports master and some of the kids, Brian eventually agreed to try out for the soccer team and, as before, his talent on the field soon earned him a regular place. Now with Brian on board, the team started at last to win matches and, as a result, he suddenly became popular, receiving invitations to birthday celebrations, invited over for BBQ’s and various teenage activities, the kids starting to forget Brian was in foster-care and treating him like one of the gang. Something that Brian still couldn’t share with anyone, not his Foster-parents, Social Worker, and certainly not the other kids, was the fact that he was gay. His short relationship with Gary Palmer, the soccer coach at his previous school, had left Brian even more emotionally deprived than before. This was the man that Brian had thought might actually care for him. Was the first, and so far, the only man he’d had a sexual encounter with. And when Gary had cast him aside as just a kid, Brian was left feeling as if he belonged nowhere, with no attachment to anyone. Not his parents, and neither it seemed, to his first love. Trying now to put all this behind him, things were at last beginning to get better. He was fitting in at school, despite everything his grades were good and he’d got a decent home-life. Even though he could never think of Frank and Josie Kramer as his parents, they were good, caring, warm-hearted people, more like a favourite Aunt and Uncle. They cared about him and Brian had started to develop a feeling of belonging. But unfortunately, this was not to last. Six months after Brian’s 15th birthday, when the Kramer’s had presented him with a cake made especially and had taken him and a couple of his friends to a prime soccer game, Social Services came to the school to collect him. Whilst out shopping, Mrs. Kramer’s car had been hit head-on by another, driven by a man who had tested positive for alcohol; had been three-times over the legal limit. She hadn’t stood a chance and had been declared DOA at the hospital. Chris Matthews, Social Worker, took Brian back to the Kramer’s. Frank was in shock and there was no way he was capable of looking out for a teenage boy right now. Packing his things in his overnight bag, Brian looked around the room. This had become home, he’d started to put his own touches to it, posters and completed school projects adorning the shelves and walls and these he now carefully folded away and put into his bag. When he went downstairs, his Foster-Dad was sitting in the lounge. He was looking at his wedding photograph, taken some 35 years before and hadn’t bothered to fight the tears that were streaming down his face. When Brian went over to him, Frank stood up. Without speaking, he put his arms around Brian and they hugged. “I’m so sorry, Brian”, he said. “I really didn’t want to do this, but I just can’t cope right now. It’s best you go somewhere you can be looked after properly. Chris here will take you to your new foster-home. Don’t look so worried, I’m sure you’ll be just fine”. They hugged again and Brian said goodbye. Leaving the Kramer’s, Brian couldn’t help but feel he was losing something special; a home and people he could depend on. Once in the car, he asked what had happened to his previous Social Worker, Pete Downey and Mrs. Matthews informed him that Pete had moved out of the area and she had taken over his caseload. She apologised, saying she hadn’t read his case notes yet so perhaps he’d like to tell her a little about himself. ‘Fucking fantastic’ thought Brian. ‘They give me a Social Worker who hasn’t even bothered to find out a thing about me; like how my Father used to beat the shit out of me so much I ended up in care’. So he just sat there, refusing to speak the entire trip and half-an-hour later, after being introduced to his new Foster-parents, Brian found himself in another strange bedroom, in another house in yet another different part of town. After putting his things away, he went down to the lounge room. The Grahams were younger than the Kramer’s with Donna Graham a stay-at-home Mom with their own ten-year-old daughter, Kirsty and Kyle Graham an accountant with a big firm in town, on a good salary. Mr. Graham was a neat, tidy man, who kept moving around the room, straightening up the cushions and picking up the coffee cups the moment they’d been emptied and put down. “Brian”, said Chris. “I’m afraid this is going to mean a change of schools for you. I’ll come over and take you in the morning and introduce you”. Brian couldn’t hold in his temper. “Another fucking school?” he demanded. He saw the Grahams wince the moment he spoke. “Brian”, said Mr. Graham. “I’m afraid we don’t allow such language in this house. It’s uncalled for and besides we have Kirsty, our daughter, to consider”. Chris spoke quickly “I’m sure Brian is very sorry for how he spoke. You’ll apologise, won’t you Brian?” Brian looked away, “Sure, whatever” he said at last. The Social Worker wrote her telephone number on a piece of paper and handed it to him. “If you have any problems, you can call the office”, she said. Brian took the paper and stuffed it in his pocket. ‘Like you’re really interested’ he thought. After she’d gone, the Grahams started to lay down the house-rules: Be home straight after school unless they were previously notified, no TV until homework was done, no going out at all on a school night, bed by 9.30pm., with lights out by 10.00pm., help around the house, put out the trash, mow the lawn and no bringing girls back. “We know what teenage boys are like” they announced. Brian was starting to think what they really wanted was a fucking servant, not a foster-child and over the next few weeks, he grew more and more stifled and frustrated by the rules and regulations, with new ones added at every turn. He was expected to get up and make his own breakfast before going to school, having already prepared his packed lunch the night before. After school, he was to run errands: tidy the house, do the laundry, pick up the dry-cleaning, clean his own room and the family bathroom. By the time he had finished his homework of a night, there was no time left for him. All this whilst Mrs. Graham was at her tennis club, keep-fit classes or out shopping, or taking Kirsty to ballet lessons, swimming club, riding stables. Never once asking Brian if there was something he would like to do, somewhere he wanted to go. Brian was an outsider and he badly missed the warm, affectionate, caring environment that he’d had at the Kramer’s. He’d asked to be allowed to attend Mrs. Kramer’s funeral. It was standing room only. Previous foster-kids had often popped by to see how their former Foster-Mom and Dad were doing. There had been a lot of love in that house and now they filled the church and Brian felt both a sense of having once belonged somewhere special and now of loss, feelings that wouldn’t go away. Even at ten, Kirsty thought Brian was cute and tried all the time to get his attention. She was a right royal pain in the ass. Spoiled as hell, she’d kick up the moment they were alone, even for a few minutes, running riot all over the place, expecting Brian to pick up after her, clean her mess and if he didn’t, they both knew that he’d get the blame and end up being grounded for the week. One particular time, the Grahams were let down by Kirsty’s babysitter, just as they were about to leave for a golf club dinner and, much to his annoyance, decided that Brian could watch out for her instead. During the evening, she come down from her room, saying she was thirsty and couldn’t sleep. Brian was watching a video, an 18+ that one of his classmates had got off his brother and was doing the rounds amongst the kids. He’d found it a little boring; he wasn’t particularly turned on by group hetero-sex, but had been curious, as all the other kids have been talking about it. He quickly switched it off before Kirsty could see and went to fetch her a drink. He placed the glass of water on a table next to her and sat down beside her on the sofa. She said she wasn’t feeling very well and could Brian give her a cuddle. Before he had to chance to speak, she’d crawled into his lap and very soon had fallen asleep. Once Brian was sure the ten year old was safely sleeping, he turned the video back on, the sound down, so as not to disturb her, but before long, he too had fallen into a deep sleep. Which was how the Graham’s found them when they returned home a little later, earlier than expected as Donna had ‘one of her heads’ coming on. Mr. Graham went ape. He grabbed Kirsty, telling her to get up to her room. He went over to the TV, turning off the video and ejecting it from the machine. Coming awake with a start, Brian couldn’t work out what was going on. All of a sudden, someone was shouting at him, in his face and screaming abuse. Brian shot to his feet and roughly pushed Kyle Graham away. Kyle grabbed his arm, but Brian lashed out, not meaning to, but catching Mr. Graham on the side of his face with the back of his hand. It was just after midnight when the Social Worker on duty arrived at the Graham’s home. Brian was packed and all ready to leave. All his pleading of innocence to any wrong-doing with Kirsty had fallen on deaf ears. The Graham’s wanted him out of their home immediately. Ben Mooreland, the Social Worker on call, took Brian to an emergency placement. They were waiting for him. Ben could see how distressed Brian was, even though it had been difficult to get anything from him on the way there. All Brian would repeat, over and over, was that he’d not done anything wrong, and Ben was inclined to believe him. He was being placed overnight with a couple that had no other children living at home with them. It would be decided in the morning if Brian would stay here or be moved on yet again. Peter and Sophie Phillips took Brian to the meeting at Social Services the following morning. They were prepared for Brian to stay on with them, and after discussion, this was agreed. They were nice people. They didn’t judge him and were willing to give him a go. Brian settled quite quickly. At least this time, he didn’t have to change schools yet again. Six months later, two days before Brian’s 16th birthday, he got a phone call from Social Services. Jon Cohen introduced himself as Brian’s new Social Worker. The Department had received a letter from Brian’s Mother, Joan Kinney. She wanted to see him. At first, Brian had refused. He was relatively happy in his new placement; he didn’t need reminding of what brought him there in the first place. Following the phone call, Sophie Phillips could see how upset Brian was and tried to talk to him. She said she wouldn’t try and influence him, but maybe it was worth giving his Mom a hearing. After all, she was the only Mother he was ever going to have and if they could reach any sort of understanding, then that could only be good thing. Brian agreed and phoned Jon back. Arrangements were made for Joan to visit him at the foster-home. Brian would feel safe there and Jon and the Phillips would be on hand should he need them. When she arrived, Brian couldn’t help but think how much older, and smaller she somehow looked. But then he had grown bigger and stood over her by quite a few inches. At least she was sober. Joan gave Brian a birthday card and a token for some CD’s saying she hadn’t bought him an actual present, as she didn’t know what he would like. Brian didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d received any gifts from his parents. She asked how school was and Brian told her he was in the soccer team, his coach even talking of him securing a Soccer Scholarship to College in the future. Neither of them mentioned Brian’s Father until Joan was just about to leave. Brian couldn’t ignore it any longer. “Mom” he said. “Why does Dad hate me so much?” Joan turned to look at her son. “He doesn’t hate you, Brian”, she said. “He hates himself”. “I don’t understand, that doesn’t make sense”, said Brian. Joan placed her hand against her son’s cheek and delivered the most emotional speech she had ever made in her life. “Brian”, she said, “even as a little kid, you knew exactly what you wanted. Jack could never make you like he was. You went your own way. You’ve always been independent, but then I guess you had to. I wasn’t exactly a brilliant Mom now, was I? You’ve always known your own mind and I can quite believe you’ll get in to college. You will be something. Jack was never likely to amount to very much. He saw all the things in you that he’d wanted to be and never was”. And with that, Joan stretched up to give Brian a kiss on the cheek and she turned and left. To be continued. 31st March 04