Picture by Susan ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 1: How do you turn back the clock and start again? How do you forget the pain of parting: the pain that seems so real, even now, after all these years; pain that never really ever goes away, no matter how hard you try, but instead is always there as a reminder of what might have been, if only you’d had the courage? One way to cope with the pain; the mind-numbing heartache, would be to pretend it never really happened at all; that it was just a bad dream. And that your heart didn’t break into a million pieces as you hid behind the mask so that he couldn’t see your face as you watched him walk away with another; someone who offered him everything you couldn’t; were too afraid to. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The holiday season was over; that time of make believe and hopes and dreams for the future giving way to the realisation that at the start of each new year, when you make those promises to yourself that things will be better, that in the end, nothing much ever really changes. Or do things stay the same because there’s no real reason to change? Because everything is comfortable and predictable the way it is and you like it that way. And that you’re scared to rock the boat; to risk putting yourself through something that might hurt you and Brian, now faced with a future he’d never dared hope for, had to admit to himself that he was scared. They’d talked and talked for hours: after the euphoria of finding each other; discovering each other again, had surrendered to reality in the cold harsh light of day. “You do know what you’re taking on?” asked Brian. “It’s not just me … I have a son to consider”. “I know”, answered Justin. “He’s a great kid, Brian and we seem to get on really well”. “It’s just …” “What?” “He’s already lost two parents and if we’re together and you get close and …” “And what? I walk out again … or you kick me out?” It was 2:00 in the morning and Gus had been in bed for hours, leaving Brian and Justin sitting opposite each other in the living room of what had once been Lindz and Mel’s house in Pittsburgh, but had been Brian and Gus’s home since the tragic auto accident all those months before. Brian was sitting on the sofa, an empty glass in his hand and even though he wanted it, he daren’t risk another drink; he wanted to try and keep a clear head as best he could and he rubbed his eyes. Christ: he was exhausted. This was exhausting. Justin was sitting on the edge of the chair, watching the older man. And, for the very first time, did he now begin to understand the consequences of his actions; just how much pain he’d caused Brian when he’d left with Ethan during the Rage party in what seemed a life time ago; pain that could still be clearly seen in those beautiful, but tired, hazel eyes. If only Brian could have said the words then that he’d said to him these past ten days. “Have I told you today that I love you?” Brian would ask him at some stage during the day and Justin would lean in to him and say, “Yes, but say it again anyway” and Brian would smile and put his arms around the younger man’s waist and bring him in for a kiss. Eyes shining and apologising at the same time: apologising for all those times he should have said those words but never did; for all the times he kept Justin at arms length; believing himself to be incapable of ever being able to love someone; anyone. Doubting he was good enough for anyone to love him in return. But suddenly the words didn’t scare Brian any more; words that Justin thought he’d never hear; at least not from him. Words that had driven the blond into the arms of another man; A man who promised him everything, but in the end gave him nothing but empty gestures; words Brian believed he’d never have the courage to say. “Brian, if you’ve got doubts about me … us … this early, then what’s the point of even talking about having a future together?” and Justin got up out of the chair and sat beside him on the sofa. “I haven’t got doubts about you … not really” admitted Brian and he sighed. “It’s me I’m not so sure about. I’ve never really lived with anyone before, Justin … apart from Gus. I’m not good at the sharing stuff … you know …” and he looked down into his empty glass and Justin reached out and put his hand under Brian’s chin and turned his face towards him. “We’ll be okay. We just have to keep talking … be honest with each other about how we feel … and no secrets” and he lent forward and kissed Brian lightly on the lips. Brian smiled and took the younger man’s hand in his; Justin’s left hand with the wedding band on the third finger; the wedding band he’d placed there and that matched his own and he ran his finger over the metal. “Do you regret you did that?” asked Justin. “Giving me this so soon …” but Brian shook his head and squeezed Justin’s hand. “No, I don’t. I’m just sorry I took so long to get around to it.” “But you’re right … we can do this … and I do love you,” he said softly, gazing into those same beautiful blue eyes that had entranced him ten years before. “And I love you”, whispered Justin in return. Going up to bed, still holding hands, gone was the need to devour each other at every opportunity. The sex was still hot and frequent; but it was more than just physical. It was satisfying and comforting and made them feel complete. It reached them on a level neither of them had ever known with anyone else. Certainly not Brian, and not even Justin, who’d lived with men he’d assumed at the outset of their relationship, would be his partner forever. Now it was just as pleasurable to undress and lay next to someone; holding them; knowing that sex wasn’t the only reason they were in bed together and that drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms brought total contentment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They’d been in hiding for as long as they thought they could get away with it. But now Gus was back at school after the holidays and things were returning to normal after all the festivities and Brian and Justin realised it was time for them to face their family and friends. “Are you ready for this?” asked Brian, looking back over his shoulder to the younger man standing behind him. “Do we really have to do this … now?” asked Justin and he pulled his scarf around his neck more snugly and turned the collar of his new heavy winter coat up against the chill. When Justin had arrived in New York to find Brian, he’d had nothing with him to keep out the winter’s cold, having lived in California for many years and one of the first things they’d done together, was to go out shopping for suitable clothing and he now shoved his gloved hands deep into his pockets and looked around him, taking in the scene he’d once known so well. “The sooner we get it over with, the better … Okay?” “I guess …” came the sighed response and Justin wrinkled his nose and for a moment, Brian saw the 17 year old kid he’d been when they’d first met and he smiled and lent towards him to give him a quick kiss of encouragement. Brian wasn’t particularly looking forward to this himself and he took a deep breath and pulled open the door. The Liberty Diner hadn’t really changed very much in all the years since Brian had first started going there: with its brightly painted walls and the jukebox playing at full blast. It was a few days into the new year and the place was packed and Brian scanned the room for any recognisable faces. He groaned; all the old gang was here; well almost all, but at least it got it over with once and for all. “Hi Debbie … happy New Year” said Brian and the redhead behind the counter looked over at him. Another feature of the diner that hadn’t changed; the colourfully dressed woman, now in middle-age, who’d been more like a mother to him than his own. “Don’t you happy-new-year me, Brian Kinney”, Debbie answered, wagging her finger at him. “I called you on Christmas Day and at New Year and you never returned either call …” “Sorry Debs”, apologised Brian. “I was kinda busy” and Debbie put down the coffee pot she was holding and walked around the counter to meet him and at last she broke into a broad smile. “Well, it’s good to see you Brian and that’s for sure”, and she hugged him. “Did you and Gus have a good time in New York?” “We had a great time … I really feel I’m getting to know him at last. I’m just sorry it took me such a long time to get around to it” and Debbie nodded her understanding. “And it’ll only get better … just you wait and see,” she told him. Michael, Ben, Emmett and Ted were sitting in the corner booth and at the sound of Brian’s voice had turned to face him. “Hi Brian” “Good to see you, Brian” “Happy New Year, Brian” came the chorus of voices and their greetings were returned. Unobtrusively, Brian had put his hand behind his back and the younger man, standing as close as he could behind him; trying to hide in the crowd, had taken the offered hand and only now did Debbie notice the figure hidden behind Brian’s frame; the man hunkered down into his coat, scarf up around his ears. “Who’s that hiding … SUNSHINE?” “Hi Debbie” smiled Justin, wincing at the nickname bestowed upon him when he was just a kid and he lowered his shoulders and turned down his collar and unwound his scarf as Debbie took him in a bear hug. “I don’t fucking believe this … what are you doing here?” and she looked from Justin to Brian and back again and saw the look that passed between them. “NO!” “Yes,” returned Brian quietly. “Well about fucking time …” and she pulled Justin to her again and kissed him before turning to Brian and she patted his arm and he bent down to kiss her. Debbie picked up the corner of her apron and wiped the tear from her eye as Brian put his arm around her shoulders. “I’m okay …” she insisted. “Just got something in my eye …” and she waved him away before returning to the other side of the counter. “Coffees are on me,” she stated and grabbed the coffee pot as Brian and Justin took the last two vacant stools. Now out of the cold, the two men undid their coats and removed their gloves before picking up their steaming coffee cups: an action that was halted by Debbie’s screams. “Bands? You’re wearing bands? Did you two get fucking married and not even tell us?” demanded Debbie as she grabbed Brian’s hand. “Well as I live and breathe … I never thought I’d ever see Brian Kinney wearing a fucking wedding band” and Brian smiled sheepishly. “Calm down Deb’s … we’re not officially married or anything”. “Not yet” added Justin. “But I’m working on it” and he grinned at Brian over his coffee cup as Brian pulled a face at him. Michael looked down into his own coffee cup and Ben couldn’t fail to see the look on his face. He knew what Michael was thinking; the embers had never been fully extinguished and Ben slid out of the booth and approached the two men at the counter and he slapped them both on the back. “That’s great news, you two” and he shook hands with Brian and then with Justin. Brian looked over his shoulder as both Emmett and Teddy left their seats and approached them, both offering their hands and then hugging them in congratulations and now leaving Michael sitting on his own. Looking over at him, Michael glanced across and, for just a few seconds, their eyes met and Brian smiled before Michael looked away. Brian rubbed his jaw and, leaving the gang talking to Justin, he then got off the stool and slid into the seat opposite his old friend. “Be happy for me, Mikey” said Brian softly and Michael shook his head. “I’d like to Brian … really I would … but …” “But what?” asked Brian. “Well, do you really think this is such a good idea … to try and put the clock back and start over? What makes you think it’ll be any different this time around?” “I’m different,” replied Brian. “And is he?” asked Michael and he lent across the table towards him, keeping his voice low. “Christ Bri … I can remember, even if you can’t … what those weeks were like when Justin first left … all the drugs … the booze … the guys. Dragging me off to god knows where just so you didn’t have to be alone. What happens when he leaves next time?” “There won’t be a next time, Mikey,” said Brian. “I’m not the same person I was back then … I’ve grown up a lot … I’ve had to … starting up my own business and then losing Lindsay and raising Gus. I want different things now and if I have the chance to make this work with Justin, then I’ve just gotta try and I’m gonna make it work” and he’d hoped Mikey would wish him well, but his friend was now really starting to anger and disappoint him. Michael had never liked Justin; Brian always knew that and blamed himself. He’d been a little too accommodating in the past; too easy to go along with the notion Michael had held on to for so long; that they would end up as two old queens living in Palm Springs. Their friendship had been deep-rooted and strong; two young gay kids facing the world and the world could all go fuck themselves. Trouble was Michael always believed it was more than friendship and Brian had been quite content to let him. And why not? If Michael wanted to hang on his every word: hero-worship him; Brian the soccer star and protector from the usual school bullies, making Brian feel better about himself, so what? And, in return, Michael’s home had been a safe refuge for Brian: away from his Father’s filthy temper and frequent beatings. If Mikey was always going to be there whenever Brian needed a shoulder to cry on; be his crutch and admiring his stud status; leaving Brian using other guys purely for sex; why would Brian ever feel the need for someone who could provide the whole package; physical satisfaction, emotional support and unconditional love; someone like Justin. Even after Michael had moved in with David and then with Ben, there’d always been the pull back to Brian and, even now, Brian would only have to say the word. “You don’t know what its been like for me” continued Brian, “raising Gus on my own. There were some days when if it hadn’t been for him …” “If you’re lonely” interrupted Michael. “Go buy a dog” and he slammed his cup back in his saucer. Brian took a deep breath and moved even closer to Michael across the table, keeping his own voice low; he didn’t want Justin to hear him. “Yes, okay … I admit … I’ve been pretty lonely at times. Don’t you think that … that when Gus scored the winning goal for his school soccer team, I would have loved someone to share that with? Or … or when we were in New York and I taught him how to skate …” “So Gus was right after all,” said Michael, referring to how the boy had spoken about his Father on the radio; Brian had changed. “What do you mean?” asked Brian. “Nothing” said Michael and he shook his head, debating whether this was the right time to tell Brian how he’d bared his soul on late night radio. “But it’s more than just being lonely, Mikey. I love Justin … I always have. I was just too dumb to admit it. But now I have a second chance … I’m not gonna blow it”. And Michael looked at him and saw the look in Brian’s face and knew that it was over. Whatever he felt about Brian, there would never be anything between them other than friendship. And though it was a true friendship: one they both could rely on and that would last forever, it was time to let go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I still can’t get my head around this” smiled Debbie to Justin. “Yep,” added Ben. “This has got to be the most historic reunification since Germany” and the gang all laughed. “I still can’t believe it either,” admitted Justin, putting down his cup. “Christmas Eve morning I was still in L.A. … but I just knew I had to get to Brian. It’s all pretty complicated and I still don’t know how I did it, but … with a little help from Gus … I caught up with them in New York. I knew Brian had promised to take him to the Empire State Building on Christmas Eve and I just took a chance … and there he was. I guess I’d never really given up hope …” “Gus huh?” and Debbie frowned: her mind working overtime. “Do you ever catch that late night radio show? Mmm … what’s it called now?” she asked and she looked at the gang for help. “You mean True Love on Radio Pride FM … the one with Dr. Leo Franklin?” asked Emmett, leaning on the counter, propping his chin on the palm of his hand and he tilted his head and grinned. “NO … you heard it too?” asked Justin and it suddenly hit him. The whole city: hell no the whole damn country had heard Gus and then Brian over the air and he quickly looked around at Brian and then turned back to the gang. “Brian doesn’t have a clue about that and I’m not really sure I wanna tell him”. “It’s going to be mighty difficult keeping something like that from him in this town” chuckled Ted and Justin looked over his shoulder again. That’d be right; especially with friends like Michael. Justin watched them from the counter and he could see Brian’s jaw tighten as the two old friends talked. He knew what Michael was doing; what he’d always done; trying to drive a wedge between them; but not this time. This time Justin was older, wiser. Michael was Brian’s friend: he knew that and would never try to come between that friendship. But Brian was HIS lover: HIS partner: not Michael’s. Sadly, Brian knew he was unlikely to hear the words of congratulation and good luck from his oldest friend and it pained him to think Michael wouldn’t give them his blessing and Brian sighed, got up and returned to Justin at the counter and put his arm around the younger man’s waist; an action not lost on either Michael or Justin. But none of them had noticed the increased buzz of voices since the two men had entered the diner or realised just how many cell phones were now being used as the word went out. Brian Kinney: former stud of Liberty Avenue was back in town and sporting a wedding band. A married man. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They’d talked to the gang; Michael joining in for politeness and to please his Mother, for over an hour before Brian looked at his watch. Time was slipping by and there was still somewhere else they had to go before being back home to meet Gus when he came back from his first day of school since the holidays and no doubt relating to his class mates all he’d done whilst on vacation with his Dad in New York. “You must all come over for dinner on Sunday” invited Debbie, but Justin shook his head. “Love to Debs, but I’m not gonna be around” and Brian put an arm around the blond’s shoulders. “What do you mean? You just got here,” she asked and Justin sighed. “I have to go back to my job in L.A. … that and get my stuff shipped back. I just walked away from everything … I wasn’t really thinking what I was doing, but I have commitments. By boss was pretty pissed at me …” “Especially after offering him a promotion” put in Brian and Justin nodded and continued, “So I really think I should go back and work out my notice … give him a chance to get a replacement. He’s been really good to me … it was shitty of me to just go like that with no explanation … and … I was living with someone …” and he looked at Brian, who tried to smile. “Oh …” said Debbie and raised her eyebrows. “That’s a bitch” and she looked at Brian, who was trying to look unconcerned. Brian understood commitment, and also accepted that Justin had to return and face Tim and work out his notice, but it was going to hurt like hell to be parted from Justin so soon after they’d found each other again. So, Brian promised Debbie that he and Gus would be over for dinner at the weekend and then he and Justin said their goodbyes; with hugs and kisses and Deb whispered in Brian’s ear “I’m glad you’re done running away from love” and she patted his cheek and smiled and the boys left. Heading back out into the cold, Brian took Justin’s hand as they made for the car. They had one more visit to make; one where Brian wasn’t sure of the kind of welcome he would get. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jennifer Taylor had an office in her home, from where she worked as a realtor; the occupation she took up since her divorce from Justin’s Dad. Craig had never supported his son; refusing to pay for his education once Justin had decided he wanted to study art rather than gain a business degree: after Craig had discovered he had a faggot for a son. “JUSTIN!” “Hello, Mom” and his Mother hugged him tightly on the doorstep. “This is wonderful. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to be coming home? Molly will be so pleased to see you …. Oh, Brian.” “Hello, Jennifer”. Shocked, Jennifer had suddenly recognised the man standing behind her son; the man she’d assumed Justin had got out of his system a long time ago and she wondered why they were both now here; together. Surely Justin hadn’t intended starting up their relationship again. They moved into the living room and then Jennifer went into the kitchen to put on some coffee and Justin followed her out. “Justin … what’s going on?” she asked him as she put the cups and saucers on the tray. “We’re back together, Mom … we’re going to give it another go … have a real relationship”. Oh, Justin … I don’t believe this. After everything that man put you through before” and she turned to face him. “I do know about his reputation, you know … all the men he had … how he broke your heart”. “No, Mom. I broke his heart. I never realised what he was telling me all along … everything he did for me after … well, you know”. “Ethan told me everything I wanted to hear, but in the end it meant nothing. He was the one that made me promises … promises he couldn’t keep. Brian promised me nothing … that way he never had to lie to me. I love him … Mom and he loves me”. “Does he? Can you be sure of that?” Jennifer asked him. “Yes, he can” came the answer from the doorway and Jennifer closed her eyes briefly before turning to face him. “Brian … I didn’t see you standing there”, and Brian moved into the kitchen and went to stand by Justin: taking his hand. “I love Justin and I want this as much as he does” and Brian couldn’t help but notice the look of surprise on Jennifer’s face as she heard him say the words. And she saw how the two of them stood: side-by-side and with Justin leaning into Brian and she thought of another time when she and Brian had had a conversation whilst he was standing in a kitchen: his kitchen at the loft. After the bashing, when Justin was rejecting everyone, having nightmares and rages, she’d gone to Brian; asked him to take her son and return him to the person he’d been before, even though she’d told him to stay away from the hospital, only to find out later that he’d been going there each night: watching Justin sleep. And when he’d told her, right outside their home, that he cared for her son, she’d asked him again to stay away and he’d left and she could see how much it had hurt him to agree never to see Justin again. But when all else failed and she could no longer cope, Jennifer had gone to Brian at his loft and asked him to help heal her son. With no thought of Brian’s feelings of having been rejected; after blaming him for the bashing and telling him he’d be no good for Justin; only to ask him to rescue Justin from his demons. The one person she knew her son would trust. And now she saw the glint of metal on Justin’s hand and on Brian’s hand too and recognised the look of love in both men’s eyes. How Brian had changed in the years since they first met: since she saw him with his arms around her son at the Gay and Lesbian Centre; the older man with her baby boy; the man that would only break her son’s heart, but also the only man who could put him back together again. And for that, Jennifer would always be grateful. Taking their coffee back into the living room and watching them sit together on the sofa; their body language only too plain to see; illustrating how comfortable they were together, Jennifer realised that Brian was the only man who would ever make Justin really happy and she prayed that Brian realised that he held her son’s heart in his hands. They talked about their plans and how they wanted to find a new house in order to start afresh and Jennifer took down the details of the sort of property Brian and Justin were looking for and promised she would see what she could do. But she was saddened to hear that Justin was going to have to return to L.A. for a month to work out his notice. At least after he’d done that, she would have him back in Pittsburgh and close by; just in case she had to pick up the pieces. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Christ, I hate this bathroom,” declared Brian back at the house. “Whatever house we get, it’s gonna have to have a really big shower”. Lindz and Mel’s house was very traditional with a traditional bathroom and the only shower was over the bathtub; room enough for one only, no matter how hard you clung on. And it was from the tub that Justin now smiled up at him as Brian sat down on its edge and dressed in just his robe. “I like the tub” stated Justin. “Then I guess we’ll just have to have both” answered Brian. Justin had packed the few belongings he’d brought with him from L.A. and was trying to relax before his last night with Brian: before his departure. “What time’s your flight tomorrow?” Brian asked him. “1.30” answered Justin, quietly. “Mmm, enough time to laze in bed for a while before we have to get you to the airport” and Brian lent down to kiss him, determined not to let Justin see just how much his heart ached at his leaving. Their last few days together had flown by all too quickly with Brian and Justin spending every moment together that they could; Brian making arrangements that meant he didn’t have to return to the office until after Justin had left. Justin and Gus were growing closer and Brian enjoyed watching their interaction: whether it was deciding what to watch on TV, who was winning at scrabble or when they’d taken a soccer ball to the park for a kick-about. Brian wasn’t the only Kinney male who’d miss having Justin around and Gus had given Justin a big hug before leaving for a sleep-over at a friend’s, allowing Brian and Justin this last night in private. And Brian’s lingering kiss left Justin in no doubt just how much he’d be missed, but there was no way the older man wanted him to feel guilty at having to leave; they didn’t have to say as much to know just how badly they would miss each other. “Wanna play find the soap?” asked Brian, grinning and his hands now began to roam the younger man’s body under the water. The blond sighed and lay back as Brian’s hand encircled Justin’s cock and he stroked him: eliciting a whimper from him as he savoured the older man’s touch and Brian increased the pressure; pulling on him now and quickening the tempo. Eyes closed and engulfed in the warm water, Justin thought he must be in heaven and Brian watched the pleasure so evident in the beautiful, pale face as he brought Justin to climax; leaning in to cover Justin’s mouth with his own and swallowing the low moan exhaled by the blond as he did so. After the kiss had reached its natural conclusion, Justin sighed and opened his eyes. Brian’s face was just an inch away, his hazel eyes twinkling and the blond grinned and caught him by the shoulder suddenly and pulled Brian in; sending a wave of water over the side of the bathtub and onto the floor. And he held him tightly as they kissed again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Shit … I hate goodbye’s” declared Brian, as he placed Justin’s rucksack by the front door. “That’s why we’re not gonna do any” stated Justin as the horn sounded from outside the house and he moved in close. “I can’t believe you won’t let me take you to the airport …” but Brian was cut off as Justin reached up and pulled him down for a kiss. Last night, after they’d dried each other off and cleaned up the bathroom, they’d made love in the bedroom and had taken quick, individual showers before eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms. And now, standing in the hallway, Brian’s heart was pounding as his tongue entered Justin’s warm, inviting mouth. How he’d been dreading this moment; having him leave so soon and he fought to keep his emotions under control; this wasn’t the time to fall apart and they hugged. Justin could feel Brian shaking and had trouble controlling his own feelings. He’d waited years to be back with Brian; never believing it could be possible that Brian truly loved him. But everything about the man screamed at him as to the depth of the love he felt. Justin pulled away. “I love you,” he whispered and Brian whispered back. “Me too … always have … ” and he caught his breath, unable to complete his sentence. The cab horn sounded again and Justin choked back the tears and his voice was breaking as he spoke. “I’ll call you from L.A. The time will go sooner than you think … you wait” and he picked up his rucksack and turned away. He could barely put one foot in front of the other as he made his way to the cab and opened the door and got in. The car pulled away and Justin turned to wave at Brian standing in the open doorway and Brian waved back. Now they’d found each other after all these years, the next month apart would seem like a lifetime. To be continued. Author’s note: By the time ten years have passed since Brian and Justin’s first meeting, I’m sure gay marriages will be more readily accepted. Julia