Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing. Brian's POV I could see every emotion that Justin was feeling tonight, on his face. He always did wear his heart on his sleeve. At one point when Justin did finally look at me, the look on his face was asking me why I was hurting him. Why was I hurting him? Why did he have to go and hurt me? Justin knew from the start that I wasn't going to beg. So when he left, it was his choice. I might have given him a little bit of a push, but I did it because I care about him. I love him. But apparently my love just wasn't enough for Justin, so I let him leave, even though it nearly killed me to let him walk away. Now he has the nerve to fucking stand there looking sad and lost, because I've finally found someone to help me get over him. Is it a crime? Is it a fucking crime to not want to be alone anymore? Is it a crime to want to keep some part of my life to myself, without having anyone butting in? I know that Michael, Debbie, Lindsay and the rest think they are my family. But while I'm grateful to them, they aren't my family. Neither is Gus, really. Sure, he looks like me, but that's it. I have no rights to my son, and I barely get to see him as it is. What the fuck kind of family is that? Also, when someone screws up, somehow it turns out to be my fault. How the hell does this shit happen to me? I've been sitting here silently as I drive Chuck back home. He asks me if everything is okay, and I snap out of my thoughts, and nod. "Yeah, I'm just tired." Chuck nods, and then kisses me on the cheek. A he goes to get out of the car, I grab his arm and when he asks if we can get together again, I shake my head no. "I don't, I can't. I'm not ready to start everything up again." Chuck stares at me, and then he sighs. "You aren't going to be young forever, Brian." I cringe at how domesticated I've become, and when I leave Chuck's place, I call Debbie and ask her if she can watch Gus for a while. When she agrees, I quickly go back to the loft to get everything that Gus will need to spend the night with Debbie. Then I drop Gus off, and head straight for Babylon. I need to forget everything for a while. So I get as fucked up as possible on E, cocaine, some pot, and plenty other shit that I'm sure was cooked up in bathtub in Tijuana. But I don't care. I'm out to get fucked up. So I fuck, suck, and drug my way through the night. When I fuck my last trick for the night, I pass out. When I wake up the next morning, my head is pounding and I feel like complete and utter shit. I sit up slowly and look at my surroundings. I actually let this guy take me to his apartment? Suddenly, I'm aware of the fact that my ass is burning, and panic starts to set in. Tell me that I wasn't so far gone, that I let this guy fuck me. As I try to ignore the pain I'm feeling, another thought hits me. I quickly start to look around for lube and condoms. I feel bile start to rise in my throat as the reality of what happened sinks in. This fucking idiot fucked me without a condom. I make it to the bathroom just in time to stop myself from throwing up on the floor. After I empty my stomach for several minutes, I force myself to calm down, and I quickly dress once more. I don't care that I'm still in the same clothes as yesterday. I call work and tell them I won't be in today. Then I drive to the diner, and ask Deb if Vic is at home. When she asks me why I'm still in my clothes from yesterday, I don't answer her. I just demand again, to know if Vic is home. When she says yes, and tells me to show up at the family dinner tonight, I tell her that I can't make it. As I start for the door of the diner, Deb asks me if I'm skipping the dinner because Justin and Ethan will be there, on her orders. I shake my head no and reply, "I'm not skipping the dinner because of Justin and Ian. I have some personal business to take care of." As I walk out the door, I hear Deb shout, "Yeah, like getting your dick sucked!" I ignore her words, because I really need to talk to Vic. What if that loser has something? So I go to Debbie's house and spend the next several hours talking to Vic, and telling him my fears. We end up talking for a long time, and when I realize what time it is, I get up to go, but Vic asks me to stay. As we reach the bottom of the staircase, there is a knock on the door. I hug Vic, and thank him for talking with me about everything. As I pull out of the hug, Debbie opens the door. In walks Justin and Ian, and Lindsay and Melanie with Gus. Debbie tells to stay for dinner, but I beg off. I need to get my head in the right place. So I say no thanks, and then I pretty much bolt out the door. As I get into my car, I hear Melanie making a remark about me needing to go out and get my dick sucked. I hiss, "Fuck you Melanie," under my breath. I need to get home, and figure out what I'm going to do. I can't let the fear of the unknown and my feelings control me. I'll need to set everything up, and go to the clinic soon to get checked out. I can't believe that this shit is happening to me. I can't believe that I let myself get so fucked up, that I still can't remember anything that happened last night. All I know is that from the way my ass hurts like hell, that the trick fucked me, instead of being the other way around like it's supposed to be. After I call and set up an appointment, I take something for my headache, and after making sure the loft is locked up, I pass out on my bed.