Disclaimor/Gemma's note: Hey everyone, this is a story I found a very long time ago and I’ve just happened to stumble upon it now so I wanted to share it with you guys because it is so damn funny. I cry laughing every time. The thing is I have no idea who the author is and, I checked, but I don’t think the site on which it was posted on exists anymore. If you are the author (please, contact me!) Yeah, so I’m NOT taking any credit for this. Date: November 30 2007 _______________________________(I own and wrote nothing from this pretty little line down!)_______________________________ Title: Insert Mouth. Rating: G. It's like gay Disney. Pairings: Gale/Randy via Fab my Love. Warning: Blatant Mary Sue. Pointless, and I got bored while writing it and you know what they say when you get bored by yourself. Disclaimer: They are real, real, real, and Gale is gay, gay, gay for Mr Harrison, and if you think otherwise, you are a bad person and will burn in hell for eternity. Dedicated and thanks to: Erinface, for beta, encouragement, and everything she is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is actually rather fitting that I’m the last person on earth to find out about Gale’s large and alarming homosexual crush on Randy. On the show I do play Ethan Gold who is after all, you know, the most hated scarlet woman role on any television series since Scott Hope on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Once, Randy once not-so-tactfully suggested that I reconsider my career moves because he’s read about all these violent Ethan death threats on the Internet, but I just can’t help myself. I love roles like that; it fills my lukewarm, black heart with glee to get all the shippers’ panties in a hefty, unforgiving twist. And I get to grow a tiny, ugly beard and have the smallest, not to mention the dustiest, set on the show! What’s not to love? I think I enjoy self-abuse a little too much at times but hey, what can I say? Every artist needs a little darkness within. I mean, just look at Randy. Anyway, as I was saying, Gale’s big, gay crush. Wow, sure didn’t see that one coming. Though now, I’m not quite sure what took me so long to stumble upon this glaringly obvious fact, especially since the one and only proof I had of Gale’s heterosexuality was that infamous interview where he took about twenty minutes to grudgingly admit he’s straight. Sorry Ma and Pa, I’ve thought long and hard about this and I feel it’s time for you to know and accept that I like girls and I want to do naughty things to them, and one day perhaps make a decent woman out of one. I hope you’ll accept and love me just the same, even though this must come as a shock and huge disappointment to you. I just cannot hide my breeding instincts for another day for it is slowly killing me inside to keep this scandalous secret to myself. Really now. I’d jump up on the table, shake my fist in the air and shout, “Lies! All lies!” right now to add to this homoerotic drama but I have a teensy weensy feeling Gale wasn’t really lying. It’s just that he doesn’t seem fully aware of the words coming out of his mouth most of the time, I think. Not to mention the way he seems to be constantly surprised by his surroundings – just the other day, he appeared genuinely shocked that of all the vehicles to pull up at a bus stop, it would be a, you know, bus. A bus! The nerve! The horror! He must have thought, as Randy less than gently shoved him up the unanticipated vehicle. Don’t get me wrong, I like that guy, a whole lot actually, but that doesn’t subtract from the fact that there are times when I can smell the weed before he even appears. Then again, the constant glazed over look in his eyes does kind of add a little something uh, whimsical to his character. Just the other day, Randy and I were hanging out on the set of the lesbians’ apartment (only because it has the one single couch in the entire place that doesn’t smell like ass; however, we shall not speak of what it does smell of) talking about the new characters he came up with for his next play. One of the many perks of being an actor is that when you talk about the voices in your head, nobody tries to hand you a name card for a therapist, or, when they have the time to spare, throw in a careful pat on your shoulder before suddenly realizing they have somewhere else to be right that very second. So there I was, acting out the various characters to amuse Randy because, for some reason, it cracks him the hell up when I speak with different accents and funny voices, and trust me when I say Randy doesn’t find a whole lot of things funny in life other than himself, and occasionally, himself. I just don’t really see the point of telling a story if you’re not committed to acting it out fully so people can hear and see the scenes in their heads too, you know? I thought that was the normal thing to do, but judging from that guy who plays Stockwell? Not so much. I don’t really know him well, since he joined the cast after Ethan left the show. So, I don’t even know his name but damn, that is one unfunny guy. And yet, he insists on sharing “jokes” with us whenever he sees us, in that deadpan voice of his, and all that really does is make me extremely nervous because I am constantly missing the punch-lines, since his face doesn’t exactly change, like ever. Well anyway, back to the story -- Randy and I, the voices in his head, and the couch that doesn’t smell like ass. And along came our protagonist, Mr. Gale Harold himself. He walked up to us, sat himself right next to Randy and simply stared unblinkingly at me for the longest time. At first, I thought, maybe he was looking at something behind me, because it felt like he was staring right through me, but then again the last time I checked? Still not translucent! Surprising, I know. Randy, naturally, did nothing to save me from this glare of doom (or perhaps confusion, I can no longer tell) so I had to fend for myself. Just as I was clearing my throat to say something to break this walk-in-on-parents-having-bondage-sex-wi th-double-ended-dildos awkwardness, Gale suddenly said, “Are you Revlis?” The hell? “Huh?” I replied quickly. “I’m Fab, remember? Should I be Revlis? Who is Revlis?” Randy then turned his head to Gale and very helpfully explained the situation to him, in terms that no layman can understand, “I didn’t tell him about Revlis yet. I’m not so sure about him yet, and that whole thing he has with Jaden. I haven’t decided anything since I told you about it yesterday.” Who needs to master the art of invisibility when all you need to do is exist in the same hemisphere as Gale and Randy? I mean, seriously. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any more Alice in Wonderland, Gale stood up as suddenly as he sat down, nodded at Randy, and then to me, and walked away looking like Randy had just imparted a terribly complex piece of information to him and he needed to go away and ponder over it right that second. Uh. “So. . .what was that about, Harrison?” I had to ask, I mean, can you blame me? “It’s nothing,” he said with a straight face, well, as straight a face one can keep when one is trying one’s utmost best not to spontaneously combust from blushing. Of course, it’s no big secret that Randy has a thing for Gale; they might as well have included that in the welcome letter given to all the actors on our first day. We’re here, we’re queer, and you won’t be needing clothes very often so lay off all the food that actually has taste or your bare ass will be made fun of on national television by all young and anorexic. Welcome to the family. P.S: Randy luuuuurvesssssss Gale. I may be a little oblivious at times but I’m most certainly not blind. In fact, I discovered that juicy morsel of gossip the very first week I joined the cast. Well, long story short -- Thea Gill Happened. Thea, lovely lady she is, seems to have appointed herself as the resident fag hag of one, Randy Harrison, from the first day, whether he wanted one or not, and judging from the disgruntled looks he throws her (and pretty much everyone else who breathes around him), I’m guessing the latter. So, after my first scene as Ethan Gold, she came up to me during my very much needed lunch break, she gave me a hug to welcome me into their big family and then proceeded to warn me, in that Mother Mary tone of hers, not to have any evil designs on Randy because his heart already belongs to someone. She helpfully nudged her chin towards Gale and then winked at me, just in case I had trouble figuring out who the “someone” was. It was a vaguely uncomfortable moment, though only for me, but yes, that was how I knew about Randy’s thing for Gale. As for Gale’s thing for Randy, well, I only have myself to thank, even though I’d like to place the entire blame on Hal. See, I have this problem. You know how they say the reason we see lightning before we hear thunder is because our eyes are in front of our ears? It might also have something to do with the theory that light travels faster than sound, but whatever the case, the law of Nature fails me because I’ve got this rather inconvenient inability to assess situations before words tumble out of my mouth. You know those people who’d go into a room full of blind folks and earnestly ask if they’ve all seen the latest blockbuster starring Liv Tyler, and my, doesn’t she have the loveliest lips? Yeah, that would be me. Like that one time I felt compelled to share blond jokes with Randy. Well, he didn’t find them very funny, to say the least. It wasn’t until three lunch breaks later, where he spent the entire time glaring in my direction and stabbing his plate menacingly at the same time, that I knew why he was so offended to begin with. That, and Thea wagging her finger at me going, “I heard what you said to Randykins, Mister, and that wasn’t very nice. Think about how you’d feel in his shoes, just think.” Well! It wasn’t like I was calling him stupid! Okay, so maybe I chose the wrong target audience to share the jokes, but there was no need to be dramatic about it. Like I said, I have this problem, and just because I’m aware of this problem, it doesn’t mean I have any idea how to stop it. It’s just like how when you’re talking to someone with twitchy eyes, no matter how hard you try, you will start twitching right back at them, and end up looking like a complete, insensitive jerk. Or, when you’re nervous during interviews, and you start doing idiotic things, like vibrating the entire table with your incessant feet tapping; or in Gale’s case, start speaking in a whole different language. The point I’m trying to illustrate here is that I cannot win, and therefore it is wholly Hal’s fault that Gale got outted to the world. When I die and meet God, assuming I still get to go to heaven after all the people I’ve unintentionally offended along the way, we’re going to have words about this. So, on that fateful day, Hal, Bobby, Gale, Randy, and I were sitting around at the set of the Liberty diner between takes, just you know, casually starving until our nude scenes are over. And I, for some insane reason, thought it would be an awesome idea to discuss the big sex scene I had with Randy later on that day. Gale wasn’t very amused. And I, for more insane reasons, thought it would be funny to tease him jokingly and said, “Why Kinney, can’t handle the stiff competition? If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’ve got a crush on Randy!” Cue the big awkward silence that I’m oh so familiar with. Bobby tried to salvage the situation by making silencing gestures with his finger at me, like that would help me reverse time or something, and then Hal had to go and pat me on my shoulder, saying, “Smooth, Fab. Next time, say it louder so the extras across the hall can hear you, too.” So that was how I knew about Gale’s secret Randy kink. Incidentally, that was also how Randy knew. Yesterday, I accidentally walked into the wrong door, and not so accidentally found Gale and Randy making out in a corner like they hadn’t eaten for days (which is probably not that far from the truth). But that will be another story for another day.