A/N: Major cliffie warning ;)


Brian

He's sleeping now, but try as I might, I seem to be unable to follow him to dreamland. And I know that this is really bad since we have to get up in about four hours again, and I can't show up at the Munchers like the walking dead, can I? It's just – whenever I close my eyes I see his startling blue pools and the anger and hurt... I can't really blame him for it, I know. Yes, we've been together for five months now – together again, that is – but it will still be a while until we both are sure that this is <i>it</i> – that we can be like this forever.

I just ... I never knew how deep Justin's insecurities ran. I'm leaning over to caress his soft hair – it's shining like liquid silver in the glow of the blue lights – and I wish there was something I could do to erase those parts of our past that caused those doubts. It was things like the zucchini man – whenever he felt safe and assured in our relationship, I went out of my way to show him his place. When I really tried to show myself that I couldn't have what I desired so badly – because I wasn't worthy of it. And yes, I was scared shitless of losing my <i>Brian Fucking Kinney</i> faηade, because it was all I had. Or so I thought. I broke his heart so often that I'm actually surprised he's still here. Then again, he's a brave and persistent little fucker, and he always thinks the best of the people he loves. Unless some asshole comes along and claims that I fell off the wagon... It wouldn't be the first time. Only, up until now I never climbed that wagon consciously. Because I wasn't ready for it. That's what hurt the most, I'd really thought he knew.

When he stormed in here, giving his little monologue ... I really thought I was dying. My chest was aching like hell, and for a second there was this old and familiar thought, 'That's why I don't do relationships. That's why I don't do love. Because it only hurts you in the long run.' I had to get out of here, had to get away from Justin and his accusations. The little shit was right – I didn't even think about going to Babylon or Woody's – and isn't that a <i>heart-warming</i> thought? He knows me so well, and still he... Fuck that. No, I just wanted to get somewhere safe to lick my wounds. So I drove to Mikey's, and I couldn't believe what he told me – yes, I heard him even though he thought I was too far gone to care. And I suddenly understood – no matter what I was doing, it would never be enough to rid Justin of all doubts. So it would be better if we just...

But when he came over, when I heard his voice ... I was done for. I knew that he was on track again, and I didn't stand a chance. I had to try anyway. And my attempts to push him away instead of just drawing him close ... I think that was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. And then he kissed me, and that was that. My resistance was almost gone. I know I'm selfish to keep him, but maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm entitled to be selfish in this. I just ... it still hurts. Not because I was forced down memory lane again, no. It hurts because he was in pain and I couldn't do anything about it. Because no matter what I could have said, he wouldn't have believed me. Not in that moment when his life was falling apart – at least that's what he thought. I want to go out there, and find that fucker, and beat the shit out of him. Cause he hurt my Sunshine.

I gently brush a kiss on Justin's forehead, and he smiles. "You should get some sleep, you know?" Hell yes, I know. But I have to make sure that he's not just a figment of my imagination. His eyes flutter open, and there's no more hurt and anger in them now, only sadness because he didn't see through that trick's lie. "I'm not going anywhere, Bri. You can go to sleep, and I'll still be here when you wake. I promise." Shit, he can see through me so well that it scares me. And at the same time I'm so proud of him and so fucking <i>glad</i> that he's with me. I wasn't lying last week when I told him that I need him. I need him more than I could ever need any trick. "Please, Brian... Don't dwell on this. It was ... shit, maybe it was a good thing in the long run. Because from now on, I know how to handle such situations. I should have gone over to that guy and told him that he must have been delusional cause there was no way in hell you could have been at Babylon. Instead, I overreacted. But I told you that I would never act like that again. Can't you ... can't you trust that?"

Is that what he thinks? Fuck! "I'm just angry with that piece of shit for causing you such pain, that's all." Yeah, and it's almost the truth. He arches a brow because he knows that I'm not telling him everything that bugs me. "And I'm wondering if it's really worth all this... I mean, there will be others like him. And even though everything goes rather well right now, I know that there will be times when we will want to kill each other. Are you really sure this is what you want?" Because he could do so much better. But I know him too well to say that out loud. He'd probably rip my head off.

"Like I'm such a great catch. Ethan nearly killed you, and for many people that would have been enough reason to dump me. Plus, I have my spells of insanity, the best example being tonight." He smiles ruefully. "And then there's the whole issue of you paying my way – for the time being. You might not be my sugar-daddy, but many will see it like that. Oh, and let's not forget that I'm still a teenager, so I have some really childish moments, like dressing up in your shirts and dancing around the loft." I have to chuckle. Even though it's ages ago, I still have some rather vivid memories of that little episode. "So, I'm asking you, Mr Kinney. Are <i>you</i> really sure that this is what <i>you</i> want?"

Fuck, I hate it when he's so smart. And at the same time, I love him for it. "We are really fucked-up, aren't we?" He grins and nods. "Very well then, have it <i>your</i> way." Cause I will be damned if I admit how much his little speech means to me. But he's on to me, and slaps me over the head, and I hear him whisper, "You!" and I can't help laughing at that. He's pushing me back, and makes himself comfortable on top of me. "Didn't you say we should get some sleep, huh?" He shrugs and begins to trail moist kisses down my chest. But I stop him before my cock can start to appreciate his ministrations. "Justin, no. Save it for tonight..." I wriggle my eyebrows, and he nods. He flops down next to me, his left hand tracing lazy patterns on my chest. And suddenly, sleep claims me, and I see his eyes sparkling with mischief and ... <i>love</i>.

When the fucking alarm goes off, I have to fight the urge to throw it down the steps. Justin mumbles that it's too fucking early, and that he's not going to get up. "And that's final!" For a moment, I'm considering the option of staying in bed, but then I remember my plans for today, and I'm not letting anything or anyone – even if it's a certain blond twink – interfere with them. So I push him off me – and fuck, he's been drooling all over my chest again – and start for the bathroom. "Are you coming willingly, or do I have to get a bucket of cold water?" I've never seen him get out of bed this quickly. I smirk, "Always knew you were a smart little twat." He slaps my ass, and gets into the shower. I think I have to teach him to respect his elders once more. Not that it'll be a hard feat. Though something will be very hard indeed.

As soon as I'm in the shower, I push him against the glass wall, and squeeze his lovely little bubble butt. "Didn't your mom tell you to be polite towards elder people?" He blows a raspberry, and shakes his head. "And here I thought you were a nice little WASP. My, my, my, Mr Taylor. I think I have to give you a little lecture on manners..." My thumbs are now caressing his puckered hole, and my cock jumps, itching to be where they are. "You have been a very naughty boy..." I reach for the lube, and prepare him for what's to come. "I will have to discipline you with my long cane." He snickers, and pushes back. "Are you ready for your punishment?" He moans and nods. "Very well then. Always remember, you brought this upon yourself." With one fast stroke I enter him, not stopping before my entire length is sheathed in his velvety channel. "Oh shit!" Even after four months of doing it raw, I'm still amazed at the way he makes me feel. I can just hope that the novelty will never fade away, because, fuck, it just feels so...

When he pushes back again, I begin to pump in and out with long, hard thrusts. It won't take long, I know it, but I'll still give him the ride of his life – like I always do. His hand is reaching down to jerk his dick, but I push it away. "Oh no, you don't. This is your punishment, remember? You're not allowed to come until I say so." He shudders, and leans forward to rest his forehead against the cool glass. "That's it... Can you feel me? I'm buried so deep in you, almost splitting you open." He moans again, and shit, those lovely noises of his go straight to my cock. I feel like I'm gonna burst any time now, so I whisper, "Go on, you may touch yourself now." He groans as his hand closes around his leaking shaft, and I'm trying to hold on for just a few more minutes, but it's getting harder and harder. "Yes, that's the way. Come for me..." The moment these words leave my lips, he tenses and then... His walls constrict around my cock, and there's nothing I can do anymore but join him in ecstasy.

"Holy fucking shit! That was hot..." Fuck, my voice is hoarse but Justin doesn't seem to care. He just turns his head to capture my lips in a soul-searing kiss, and if I hadn't come just now, my cock would get hard just from that kiss alone. Not that it takes very much to get aroused when he's concerned. It's as if something about him speaks directly to my dick, which might be the reason why I threw my precious rules out of the window for him. That and the air of innocence that just made me want to corrupt him. And even now, after Hobbs and <i>Ian</i>, there's still some of it left – in those beautiful Sunshine smiles. I think those made me fall so fast and so deeply. His whole face lights up, and sometimes I think I need sunglasses... Yeah, I guess I never stood a chance... I draw out, bemoaning the loss of his heat around me. "That was..."

"Amazing? Fabulous? Out of this world? More than you ever dreamt of?" He snickers, and I just glare. Not that he isn't right, but I'm never going to tell him. Wouldn't do to let him know just <i>how</i> pathetic I've become. Because of some stupid twink, who didn't leave when he was told to. And aren't I glad that he didn't? Oh shit! Get me a strait-jacket, now! "Oh, come on, Brian. You know you loved it. You always do." Well, yes. The sex is always great, especially now. I huff at him, and his eyes begin to sparkle. I think of last night, and from where I am now, it seems like little more than a bad dream. A bad dream followed by something like fucking <i>vows</i>. Cause that's what this whole 'are you sure you want this' business was all about. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm so screwed. Because I know that one of these days there will be real vows, and I will make an honest man – I have to chuckle at the thought, but then again, I have made a man of him, so why not – of him, and he'll love it. The little shit.

---

Justin

Mikey is positively bouncing when Brian and I enter the diner to grab some breakfast before we head to the Munchers. "So, you two are okay again, yes?" Brian does his usual tongue-in-cheek thing, and raises an eyebrow at his best friend. "You know, next time I'm going to charge you for my therapist work. And for the motel..." I have to bite the inside of my cheek to not laugh out loud when Brian embraces Mikey and kisses him softly. That's his way of saying 'Thank you'. Because if there's anything Bri is more afraid of than the three little words I always wanted to hear from him, it's those two. Mikey shakes his head, and motions for us to join him and Ben in a booth.

"Still together? Good. Michael was really worried last night." Mikey glares at Ben, but eventually nods. "Even though I told him that something like last night wouldn't damage you beyond repair, considering the things you got through up until now." I really like Ben. He's always so calm and so fucking smart. "But, truth be told, I'm also relieved to see you like this. Wouldn't do to spend a day like this moping..." Uh-oh, if looks could kill, Ben would be dead now. Cause Brian doesn't mope – as in <i>ever</i>! It just <i>isn't</i> something he would do. At least not when there's witnesses around. I've to stifle my chuckle by pretending to cough.

"You know, Professor... I think you mistake me for a certain blond twink." He elbows my arm, and it fucking hurts! "He is our resident drama princess, not me." Yeah, because Brian is a full-fledged drama <i>queen</i>. "Besides, he once again managed to get back into my good graces through bribery. Not very WASPish, but who can fault him there? He wanted to get back into my pants, and who wouldn't..." I punch his chest. "See what I have to put up with? Abuse ... abuse day in, day out. Lucky for him the sex is so great..." Ben is hiding his face in the menu, and Mikey grins like a loony. And I ... I just snuggle up to my partner, and kiss his cheek.

He's always trying so hard to seem aloof, but I know what he's really saying. Despite all the shit we are giving each other, our love is strong enough to weather everything. And yes, the sex really is great, but that's no news. It's been great since that first night, which we are celebrating today. Our anniversary... I can't believe that it's been two years already. Two years since I first saw the face of God, two years since I first drowned in the hazel pools of Brian's eyes. Since I fell for him. It wasn't always easy to keep on loving him – what with all the things he did to get rid of me. But I held on, and now we are here, still together, as good as married, and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. He turns his head, and our eyes lock. It's as if he can read my mind because he suddenly smiles and kisses me breathless. "Oh, do get a room, why don't you?" But Mikey's chuckling, and when we finally break apart, he's winking at us.

I hear the doorbell, and Mikey's smile turns into a frown. I peek towards the door, and see... The fucking trick from last night. Brian also sees him, and before I can stop him, he's on his feet and stalks over to that piece of shit. "A word of advice, you little asshole. Next time you want to tell fairy tales, think again. I wouldn't touch you or let you touch me if you were the last man on the planet. And if you ever claim anything even remotely like that bullshit last night, you're going to regret that you've been born. And that is a promise." Everyone in the diner is gaping at Brian, and the little fucker is completely terrified. "Oh, and for your information, that little blond <i>twink</i> over there," he's gesturing towards me, "is a thousand times better than you could ever be – even in your wildest dreams."

And, as if he wants to prove his point, he grabs my hand as soon as he's close enough, drags me out of the booth, and proceeds to devour me. Shit. This isn't Babylon. He can't claim that this is just a display of his desire to fuck me. This is much more. He shows the whole world that he, <i>Brian Fucking Kinney</i>, actually <i>cares</i> about me. "No sex in the diner!" Oh fuck, Debbie. Your timing sucks! And, as Brian would say, not in a positive, life-affirming way. "So get your hands off Sunshine before I am forced to do something drastic." Talk of ruining the mood. Shit.

But we both know not to anger Deb, so we do as we're told, and sit down again. Debbie comes over, and gives us one of her patented <i>Debbie Novotny glares</i>. Well, fuck. But then her face softens, and she smiles. "Kiki told me, and I should really kick you, Sunshine. I never took you for a fucking idiot, unlike other people around here." She's looking pointedly at Brian. "You know, Brian might be a royal pain in the ass, but he would never, <i>never</i> do something so stupid." Debbie's defending Brian?! "He fucking loves you." Bri starts to stare at his hands like they are really interesting right now. "And as for you, asshole," she takes Brian's face in her hands, forcing his head around, "I'm so <i>proud</i> of you. What you just did ... that was a very brave thing to do." Do I see a tear in the corner of Bri's eye? "You've come a long way, and I'm so happy for you." She pinches his cheeks, and I have to chuckle. Deb smiles, and then asks, "So what'cha having?" You just have to love her.

The rest of the day passes relatively uneventful. Gus is bouncing because of his presents, and Mel is still a good girl about taking it easy, so I'm really happy. Then we take Mikey hostage, and he takes us to the airport and we're off to another adventure. New York is ... I just love it. That first night, we hit the clubs, and when we get back to our hotel room, we re-enact the night two years ago. Sans condom of course. It's amazing how much he remembers – after all, he had forgotten about Gus and his handstands and juggling. It's really funny how his brain works – he can forget about his son, but knows all about me – safe for my name, that is. Isn't that absolutely and <i>ridiculously romantic</i>?

The weekend goes by faster than I would have wanted, and Brian even gets over his antipathy to museums for me. He's so sweet, and no, I will not tell him I think that. He would only have a major queen-out. And we don't want that, do we?

It's two weeks later now, and we're in the courtroom to hear the verdict. The fucking jury went for Ethan's plea after all – armed assault, my ass! So now we can only hope – yeah, with that asshole of a judge... "Mr Gold has been found guilt of armed assault, and I have been asking myself how a talented young man like him could end up like this. It is clear to me that he wouldn't have acted the way he did that tragic night under normal circumstances." What the fuck?! "His actions were driven by a feeling of betrayal, and as such they were not wilful." Holy shit, this is like the Hobbs' trial all over again. "It has been established that Mr Gold owned a licence for the gun," and I'm still wondering how the fuck he pulled that one, "and that the shooting might have very well been an accident." The shit it was. "Therefore I have decided to sentence Mr Gold to six months in jail, but since this is Mr Gold's first <i>crime</i>," why do I get the feeling that he thinks Ethan is the victim here... "the defendant will be placed on probation..." <i>What?!</i> He nearly kills Brian and gets off free? I never hear anything about the two hundred hours of community service, or the restriction orders. As if Ethan will pay attention to them.

Fuck it all. Mel had warned us of something like this once the jury had come to their decision. Apparently our dearest judge is a huge supporter of P.I.F.A., and loves violin music. Great, just great. The D.A. is seething, and Brian looks sick. Ethan, on the other hand, is grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Yeah, I would, too, if someone had just told me that stalking your ex and almost killing his lover is perfectly fine. Shit! I stagger to my feet, and embrace Brian. "I'm so sorry." He shakes his head, telling me not to even start feeling guilty again. "I just don't believe this asshole. Sweet little Ethan – he's a fucking nutcase, that's what he is."

"Don't allow him to get to you, Justin. That's what he wants. We'll just have to show him that despite this fucking sentence we are still perfectly alright. We won't let it touch us, okay?" He looks at me pleadingly, and I can't do anything but nod. A small smile spreads over his face, touching his eyes, "Good. Now let's get out of here. Cause we have to celebrate something, don't we?" He's talking about the show of course. It will open tomorrow, and I'm so excited about it. "Come on, I made reservations at this new restaurant..."

I can't help myself, I have to ask, "You mean, like a date?" He glares. "And here I thought you don't do dates." The glare intensifies. "Or are you making another exception for me? Just like the 'no repeats' rule? Or the 'I don't do love' thing?" His way of answering is to draw me into a passionate kiss, right in front of Ethan's eyes. Take that, you fucker! I guess it's not really smart to tempt him like that, but fuck, Brian's right. We shouldn't let this sentence interfere with our lives. So I kiss right back, and when we break apart, I whisper, "Think we could make a detour to the loft?" I bat my lashes at Brian, and he nods. I think I haven't lost my touch after all.

So after a little fun and games at the loft, we are at that new Thai restaurant now. The food is delicious, and the company even better. Of course, the conversation eventually gets to the trial, and I think Brian is really okay with the outcome. "After all, Mel warned us, didn't she? I just... I'm telling you if he gets anywhere near you again, I'm going to kill him. And I'll make sure that it looks like an <i>accident</i> as well." I reach for his hand and hold on tightly. "He's never going to hurt you again, <i>never</i>!" As if I was the one who got hurt last time. I gulp down some water and squeeze his finger. "As far as I'm concerned, Mr Ethan Gold is <i>history</i>, and he shouldn't even try to become part of our current life again."

Of course we both know that's just wishful thinking. And over the next two weeks, I'm seeing more and more of my former <i>fuck buddy</i> – despite the restriction orders. It's the Sunday before Mikey's birthday now, and I just called Brian to tell him that I'm finally leaving the gallery. Linz and Sidney had a little chat with me, and they actually want me to have my very own show early next year. Seems like my paintings and drawings sold very well... Linz was bouncing and Sidney apparently thinks of himself as my mentor now. Not that I mind. It's great actually. And when I tell Brian, I can see right through his nonchalant, "Well, it's about time that you make some money with your art." He's so fucking proud of me.

I say goodbye to Linz and Sidney, and walk down the dark alley to the Sharan. Brian would have a fit if he could see where I'm parking, but fuck that. It's closer to the gallery than that stupid garage at the mall. I'm just pondering if I should drop into the diner to get something to eat – cause, knowing Brian, there'll be nothing when I get home – when I suddenly hear a movement behind me. Well, maybe Bri was right about the garage after all. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm walking faster, and I can already see the car, only a few more steps. But then I feel a hand on my shoulder, and something is pressed to my mouth and nose. I try to fight my attacker off, but it's no use. And then, just before unconsciousness claims me I hear an all too familiar voice whisper, "You <i>are</i> coming with me..."