Brian The little shit is still fast asleep, well, no surprise really cause I was quite inspired last night. I smile a secret little smile, remembering how responsive he was, and naturally my cock stirs, wanting a repeat. Well, that will have to wait a while yet. Cause I'm currently sitting in front of the computer, searching for a car dealer that's selling this abomination he wants to get. A German car! Fuck. Well, at least it should be safe, even if it looks like a fucking fish or something, a fat and ugly fish. Okay, I'm exaggerating here. But it's still fucking hideous. My eyes fall on the calendar, and I can't believe that I had forgotten about it. Just what I need. Next Friday will be my fucking birthday, which makes Saturday the first anniversary of the Prom. Shit. I think I'll have to take him out, not to celebrate me getting older, but the start of his internship, and maybe he'll forget about the Prom and stuff. Fuck, I'll even allow him to throw me a party if he needs to. Because for some reason getting older doesn't feel so terrible anymore. Because he's here, because we are here. Oh shit. How mushy can you be? The scariest thing is that my dick is still hard, and I had been so sure that it would lose all interest at those lesbian thoughts. I shake my head to clear my mind, and then I hear... "Brian..." It sounds so small and so defeated. I walk over to stand at the bottom of the steps, and he's still asleep, obviously having a nightmare of some sort. He calls my name again, and whispers, "Please don't go. Don't leave me..." And I just have to take him in my arms then, holding him, trying to wake him slowly. There are tears running down his face, and he struggles to free himself from my embrace, but I hold on. "No, let me go. Brian!" Suddenly he sits up, eyes wide open. I gently caress his back, not wanting to startle him, and kiss his neck. "It's okay. You're safe." He turns his head, and I know who it was that haunted his dreams. The fucking fiddler. Damn it! And damn him. "Shhh, it's okay, Justin. You're alright, you're safe." It's been months since his last nightmare, and I've learned from my mistakes. Back then I only wanted him to go back to sleep so I could fall apart without him noticing. Now, however, I want him to tell me, I want him to know that he can trust me with it. "Do you want to talk about it?" I'm embracing him again, and he snuggles up to me, burying his face against my neck. "You were leaving me, and... He wouldn't let me go. I wanted to run after you, but he wouldn't let me." Fuck you, Ian. Fuck you for doing this to him. Why can't the fucking fiddler just back off? "I told him that I loved you, but he just laughed at me, saying that it didn't matter and I'd learn to care about him soon enough." I hold him tightly, while all I want to do is find the fiddler and break his fucking neck. "Not going to happen, Sunshine. You are mine." It's as close as I can get to admitting my feelings to him, but the fact that he's kissing me now tells me that it was okay. I must be more shaken by what happened lately than I thought. The mere idea of losing him is hell. That one night was more than enough. Anyway, I have to do something to lighten up the mood so I smirk and say, "How do you feel about grabbing a shower now, and then we head out to get that thing you want?" He brushes his tears away, and smiles. So car-shopping it is. Fuck. --- Justin I can't believe he thought I'd miss it. He may have ignored my birthday, but I'm not him. Yesterday, both Linz and Em drew me into the kitchen at the Muncher's house to discuss the plan. We will throw him a party on Sunday, and he'll enjoy himself, even if it kills him. Maybe my present will be able to help matters along a little. I've booked studio time at school for three evenings this week, and will turn that drawing I made of him into a painting. When I told Linz, she made a fuss about how romantic a gesture that would be, and I only glared. I'm not trying to be romantic here, no, I only want to show him how much I love him and how glad I am that we're still together. Anyway, those two weren't surprising really. Emmett loves to organise parties, and Linz - well, she's Linz. It was mom who really stunned me. When we visited on Saturday, me driving our new car – Brian having survived buying it – she actually asked me what Brian might want for his birthday. Somehow she made me give her Bri's clothes sizes, and I'm fucking terrified what she'll do with them. I can only pray that she won't forget that Brian's a label-queen, so it has to be Prada, Armani, or Dolce... I think Bri noticed that something was up, but he didn't ask, he just gave me those looks... It was funny really, how he kept coming into Arts today, eyeing me like I was some dangerous animal that was only waiting to lash out at him. We're lying in bed now, and he's just shown me how much he appreciates my work in Arts. And once again he looks at me intently, like he's afraid that I might vanish or something. And then it suddenly hits me. It's not only his birthday that's coming up fast, but also the first anniversary of the Prom and the fucking bashing. And he probably thinks that I'm going to have a breakdown or something like that. But from where I am right now, Chris Hobbs seems to be very far away. Nope, it's Ethan who's starting to really scare me. We went to Babylon again on Saturday, and sure enough, he was there as well. While Brian was off dancing with Mikey, he actually drew me away and told me to come home with him. Yeah, like there was a chance in hell that I'd do that. But he kept going, and I think he'd have tried to drag me away if Ben hadn't rescued me. I think I've never been so glad to see him. When Brian heard, he was fucking furious. He actually wanted to call Mel so she could try and get a restraining order. But I didn't think that would help any, so the topic was dropped eventually. And yesterday, he was walking past the Munchers' house as if that was the most normal thing in the world. He gives me the creeps. Brian's voice dispels my thoughts. "So will you tell me what you're planning or do I have to get pissed and stoned on Friday?" I grin. I know he wouldn't do that to me. His birthday will be for us only. Yesterday, I told our little family if they did so much as think of calling or coming to the loft on Friday, there would be dire consequences. I could see that Debbie was about to start arguing, but both Vic and Mikey shook their heads at her. So yeah, Friday will be just us. And the smaller of my two presents. Anyway, I'm digressing and he's still waiting for an answer. I gaze at him and bat my lashes, smiling sweetly. "Now if you do that you won't be getting any for a week." It's an empty threat, and he knows it. But he plays along, throwing up his arms in mock-defeat. "And anyway, it's Sunday you've to be afraid of." Oops. I can't believe I just told him that. But he just grins and kisses me and before I know it, I'm face-down on the bed and he drives into me again, and somehow I know that it will be all right ... that he won't queen-out on us – too much. I'm using the muscles in my ass to squeeze down on him, making him gasp. Oh yes, Mr Kinney, two can play this game. After that it's all a flurry of tangled limbs and sweat and moans. And then I'm coming, sighing his name, and I pull him with me over the edge, and we are falling. But it's okay cause we are together. --- Brian Friday has come at last – Happy Birthday to myself and all that shit – and I can't believe that I'm actually alone when I wake up. What of my birthday blow job, huh? Or the usual shower-fuck? What became of those, Sunshine? He better has a damn good reason for this or I'll have to make true of my threat and go to Babylon tonight. Yeah, as if I'd do that to him. I roll around and see an envelope on his cushion. At first I glare at it, and then pick it up carefully, afraid that it might bite or burn me. Inside, I find a small white card filled with his neat handwriting. It reads: This is not a birthday card so you can relax now. I know how you feel about getting older after all and that it's no reason to celebrate. Nope, I just wanted to tell you that I had to run over to P.I.F.A. to pick something up. I'll see you at work. J. P.S. I promise I'll make it up to you tonight. The little shit! He will so pay for this. Especially for that remark about me getting older. So I shower alone – well, with my right hand – and grab a coffee-to-go at the diner. Thank God Deb has the afternoon shift today. I get into work and there's two little parcels sitting on my desk. Trust Cyn and Vance to remember. But I don't feel like opening either right now. I first want to tell our fucking intern that he's in deep shit trouble. So I call Arts and tell those fuckers that I want "that Taylor up here with the new boards, now!" I slam the receiver for emphasis. A few minutes later, he knocks and peeks into my office. "Well, come in, Taylor. I haven't got all day." He smirks and closes the door behind him. Then he's in my arms, kissing me and I'm almost forgetting that I'm pissed - almost. As it is, I draw back and bump my forehead against his. "I will have to think of some punishment for leaving me to fend for myself today of all days." He just grins. "So why don't you tell me what the fuck it was you had to pick up? What was more important that taking a shower with me..." I draw out the last words, and he shivers against me. "Now that would be telling..." I'm not happy with that answer, so I scowl at him. "Fuck you, Kinney. You'll see on Sunday." He chuckles as I push out my lower lip. "And that's final." Then he straightens and picks up the boards he'd placed against the door earlier. "So do they meet your expectations, Mr Kinney?" Little shit. I'll give him Mr Kinney tonight. The evil boss who forces his poor intern to do sexual labour for him. Well, he practically asked for it. I give him my tongue-in-cheek grin, and he smirks. He knows what's in store of him, and seems to be looking forward to it. Anyway, I can't believe my eyes cause the boards are just perfect, and I know I have to thank him for that. "Not bad, Taylor." He smiles, and I know that he's heard me. "How about you help us during the presentation and then take the afternoon off. I think you have some stuff to prepare..." I trail off, and he grins, nodding his consent. "And I hope you don't have anymore night shifts at the diner this weekend, or I might have to have a word with Debbie for keeping you away from home." The last three nights were pretty dull without him around. Sure, I could have gone to Babylon or Woody's. But for some reason I didn't feel like it. He's just about to kiss me again when Cyn walks in on us. Fuck! Justin is out of the door as if the devil was on his heals, and Cynthia is just grinning. "So he's the reason for your unusual happiness? Good for you." I want to ask what the fuck she's talking about, but I know it would be futile. She knows me far too well for my liking. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I'm just really happy for you, boss." She hands me some papers, and then winks at me. Shit, I'm so screwed. --- Justin I'm a nervous wreck by the time he gets home. I had been so sure that it was the perfect gift when I bought it – and almost fainted when I heard the price – but now I'm not so certain anymore. What if it's too much? What if he's not prepared to really let go yet? Fuck it. But it's the only present I have and I know that he expects something. The picture is at the Muncher's house already – I took it there after picking it up this morning – so I've no fucking choice. He's grinning at me as he approaches me, and I think something must be wrong with my ears because suddenly I hear him say, "You were good, and the boards were great. For once I didn't feel like I was working with a bunch of imbeciles. Vance was also quite impressed..." Brian Fucking Kinney is complimenting me for my work? I'm checking if I'm already hearing the four Riders of the Apocalypse, but no, everything's still perfectly normal. Well, except for Bri. "So I thought I'd show my favourite intern just how much I like his work..." That sounds more like the Brian I know. But first I want to get the gift out of our way so I break away from him for a second, and pick up a small box. "I know how much you hate this birthday stuff, but this once you'll have to endure." I hand him the parcel and whisper, "Happy Birthday, Bri." He stares at the box as if it was poisonous or something, and I have to stifle a giggle. That wouldn't go down well right now. He draws a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever I got him, and opens the darn thing. And gasps. Shit. "Justin..." This was so not a good idea. I have to swallow repeatedly to fight back the tears. He's not faring any better, but I don't think he even realises it. "Justin..." he repeats and I feel like a five-year-old who'd been caught with his hand in the candy box. How stupid of me to think that he'd like it. "I ... I don't know what to say. What ... what made you buy it?" He's staring at me now, and I want to hide somewhere cause I see the pain in his eyes. Fuck it. I shrug, and have to swallow again. "I thought, you know, as a replacement. Because I kind of spoilt the other one." Actually I had thought that it could be a sign of us starting over. 'Smart idea, Taylor. You did a great job – at hurting him again.' I can't hold back the tears anymore, and my vision is blurry when I murmur, "I'm sorry, Bri. It was stupid of me." But he shakes his head, and takes out the white silk scarf, wrapping it around my neck. And for a moment there, I think that I hear music, and we're dancing, but then I'm back in the loft again, and there's no music at all, just the sound of me sniffling. He's drawing me closer, softly kissing my lips. "Thank you." He's smiling now – how I love those smiles – and I know he's not just thanking me for the scarf, but also for what it stands for. He's thanking me for coming back, for starting over. When I should be the one to thank him for those things. "Justin?" My eyes fly up to meet his. "I really meant it ... what I told Ethan last week. I do..." I hate to see him like that. He tries so hard, it's almost bringing him down. I have to put an end to this, right here. "Stop it, Bri. Okay? I know, I do. I don't need to hear the words, I can see it in your eyes, in your smile. I can feel it whenever we..." Don't say it, don't say it. "When we fuck." That was close. "When you kiss me. It is always there, and I was a fucking idiot for not seeing it. I know that one day you will trust me enough to say it. But until then, it's okay. I promise." Cause with him it's a question of trust. Telling me I love you would mean that he's revealing everything to me, and I know that this is the most scary thing imaginable for him. I only wish I knew why. Is he afraid that I won't like what I'll see and turn my back on him, or that I'll use it all against him like his fucked-up family has? "I love you, Brian. And I know you love me as well." He nods weakly. "And I have everything I want right here." I do, I really do. I don't want fucking romance anymore, I only want him. --- Brian Mikey is staring at me like a mad-man as I tell him. Finally, he stutters, "You mean, that scarf... Shit! And you actually talked about it all?" I nod, suddenly filled with pride for the young man sitting by my side. He faced his demons, and forced me to do the same. Well, in a way. Jack is still there, but I know that the little shit is going to have a go at him as well eventually, and I'm not even scared of that. I guess I just accepted the inevitable. Just like I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might be able to survive without having three tricks every night. I have enough to do with one, the trick that refused to leave as Mikey once called him. "I can't believe it, Brian. Last year you almost..." Yes, and we don't need to get into that right now. "And now..." Justin is giggling, and I'm turning to glare at him. Not that it helps any. I guess I didn't have to worry about him after all. Fuck the anniversary of the Prom, he's practically bouncing around. Maybe that's because of last night. The scarf was the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle and now he can let go of it. Even though I know he still wishes he could remember everything. Well, maybe he will one day. And when he does, I'll never hear the end of it. Ridiculous romantic indeed. It had been his idea to go to Woody's, I think he simply didn't want to dance tonight. So Babylon was out, and when Mikey called to ask if we could hook up, well... I'm no longer allowed to decide what I want to do with my nights, and fuck, I should be royally pissed at the little fucker for that, shouldn't I? But all I did was make him blow me and then we were all set to go and spend the night with Mikey and the professor. We are turning into fucking breeders, the lot of us... --- Justin Just perfect. He's forgotten his fucking lighter so he's to run back to get it and I know that Mikey will keep him a while, telling him to hold on to me and stuff like that. Fuck it. I want to go home. Bri's given me the keys of the jeep, so I'm slowly walking towards it, with every intention of using the horn if Brian takes too long. Suddenly, I hear something move behind me and then... "Hello Justin. What a lovely night for a little stroll..." Fuck, it's Ethan. I hadn't seen him all week and had really hoped... I turn around and am startled because he looks so ... well, not like himself. His eyes are sparkling and he's grinning like he's mad. What does he want now? I really thought that everything had been said already, by myself and Brian. I better tell him to get stuffed cause Bri will be here any minute and he'll be pretty pissed when he sees Ian. "I'm not strolling, Ethan, I'm just waiting for Brian. He's to get something out of Woody's..." I'm praying that he'll listen, that he'll just accept... "What, a new trick?" I just shake my head. "Well, then we'll have to hurry, won't we. You will come with me, won't you?" His voice has this strange ring to it, it's spooky. "We'll go home and make love and you'll forget all about Brian Kinney." I shake my head once more. Please God, not this again. I want to tell him that we never made love, that he was just a means to make Brian jealous – okay, it backfired, but still... But I don't think he would take that well right now. So I just sigh. "Ethan, no. I'm going home with Brian. I love Brian." He glares at me, and suddenly he has this gun in his hand. Fuck. "I said, you will come home with me!" Shit, shit, shit. When did he turn into such a nutcase? I'm trying to think of a way to get out of this when I see Brian walk towards us. Fuck! I want to tell him to leave, but I can't get the words out. "What the fuck is going on here?" He stares at Ethan as if he wants to kill him, and then sees the fucking revolver in Ethan's hand. "Are you completely out of it now?" Ehm, Bri, maybe this isn't the best thing to say just now. Ethan smiles sweetly, "Justin only wanted to wait to tell you that he'll come with me, that you two are over. Didn't you Justin?" Gods, no! Ethan, just leave us alone. Brian is slowly drawing closer, and suddenly he's standing right in front of me – between Ethan and me. "Do you really think he'd do that, Gold? I mean, I admit that I have my insane moments, as could be seen at the Rage party. But fuck, he doesn't want someone as mad as a fucking hatter. He doesn't want you." Gods, Bri. "I've told you before, but in case you didn't get it then: I love Justin." Despite this fucked-up situation, my heart is jumping and I want to throw my arms around Brian. But I don't want to anger Ethan anymore. Brian's already doing that. "And he loves me! He never cared about you, and he never will. Why don't you just face it, huh? It's over, and you lost!" Ethan just laughs. "Well, I believe Justin doesn't share your opinion there. Now do you, Jus?" I just want him to leave us alone. 'Please, go!' I see Mikey and Ben walk down the steps, and they see us and apparently notice that something's wrong. I breathe a sigh of relief cause soon it'll all be over. "Justin! Tell him. Tell him you'll come with me." Then he turns his head towards Michael and Ben cause he heard them I think, and I feel Brian move towards Ethan, and then it all happens so fast... --- Brian Mikey and Ben are running towards us, and I'm seeing my chance to tackle Ian down cause he's heard their footfall and is turning towards them. And then... I don't think I really heard the shot. Neither do I feel any pain, at first. I'm just pushed back into Justin, and then I go down. He's holding on to me, eyes wide with shock. I try to breathe, but it's so damn hard, and it just hurts, it fucking hurts. And I'm tasting blood. Fuck! The gun clatters on the concrete, and that fucking loony is staring at me as if he's seeing me for the first time. Ben is holding him in case he tries to escape and Mikey gets out his cell... My vision becomes blurred and I turn my head again to look at Justin. "Brian... No..." I reach up to stroke his cheek and my fucking arm is so heavy... "It hurts... I can't breathe..." I'm coughing, and I know that I'm coughing up blood. I'm gazing into his blue eyes, the eyes that captivated me right from the beginning. How I love the way they change colour with his emotions ... how I love him. I have to tell him – now, before it is too late. I can hear the sirens of the ambulance and the police car, and I'm smiling at him. "I love you, Justin." And his eyes are the last thing I see before everything turns black.