Justin Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had to bring that up now, didn't he? I feel like deer caught in the headlights, and if the way he's grinning at me is any indication, he knows that and enjoys himself immensely. Shit. How do I explain this to him? How do I tell him that I had intended to leave him for Ethan because I just couldn't believe that he ever really cared about me, especially after that little incident last night. And that Mikey of all people chanced my mind, and straightened me out, in a manner of speaking. I really want to crawl into a hole and hide, cause now he raises his eyebrow at me, nudging me to answer his question. I'm amazed how strong my voice is when I do. "Believe it or not, but we all have our moments of stupidity once in a while." He frowns. Apparently he thinks that he, Mr Brian Kinney, doesn't do stupid, ever. Yeah, right. But I know better than to comment on that. Wouldn't do to cause a queen-out. So I just go on. "When I woke this morning," and I won't tell him where that was, not that it matters anymore. It seems ages away from where I am right now. "When I woke, I thought we were over, Brian. And I thought it would be best if I just grabbed my stuff and left." I see a flicker of fear in his eyes and I know he's thinking the same as me – we could have lost all this, could have lost our love. It was a narrow escape, but escape we did, together. Always together. 'Gee, Taylor. Getting mushy, aren't we?' He leans in and kisses my lips, gently caressing my cheek as if he wants to convince himself that I'm really here, that he's not dreaming. He would never admit it of course, arrogant asshole that he is, but as I always told him ... I'm onto him. Except that I wasn't for the best part of the last couple of months. But I don't want to dwell on that just now. He's still waiting for an answer. "So I grabbed my stuff this morning, and put the keys into your mailbox." Then I have to grin, cause things took a decidedly odd turn then. "Remember that Mikey went after me when I put out the garbage?" He nods, and I can see that he's close to panicking cause he now knows that he almost... "It was really strange. I thought Mikey would rip me a new one, but instead... He talked to me, Brian, like a real friend. And he made me realise what a little fucker I was during the past weeks and months. Not just because of Ethan, but also the rules and all of that shit..." I don't want to go into that just yet. It would be too much in too short a time and he might bolt. So I just brush all of that aside, and finish by saying, "So, to make a long story short, he gave me his keys and told me to make sure you didn't throw me out before I had said my piece. Then I called Ethan, and told him that I..." How to tell Brian without using that L-word he's so terrified of? "That I'd only make him miserable in the long run cause he's just not what I really want." To lighten the mood, I add, "He's just no arrogant and insensitive asshole." My eyes are twinkling, and I know that he can tell I don't really think that of him. "Then I picked up my stuff at Daph's again, and came back home." His breath hitches at that last word. Got you there, didn't I, Bri? He draws me closer, holding me tightly, and I can hear him whispering against my ear. "This is your home as long as you want it to be." Rotten allergies are once again kicking in, and all I can do is just hold on to him. He still wants me here! I haven't fucked up! Or maybe I have, but it was necessary for us. Cause otherwise... I don't even want to think about that half-life we've been leading. Starting on the day he all but told me that he loved me, and I had to set up those fucking rules. And he just said it again, but this time I won't blow it by forcing something on him that we don't really need. After all, if I don't trust him... Naturally something's got to destroy this lovely emotional moment. But for a change it isn't him, but my rumbling stomach. Suddenly there's a shark-like grin on his face, and he drawls, "My, my, Mr Taylor. Did we swallow a lion? Sounds like it wants to be fed..." He leaves my side, and for a second I bemoan the loss of his body heat. But the sight of him padding up the stairs, then turning and beckoning me to follow him ... that just takes my breath away. So I jump up and follow him into the bathroom, hoping that my tummy will survive a few more moments, or maybe hours, without nutrition. --- Brian As I rip open the condom pack, I'm reminded of the last time we shared a shower. It's only a few days since then, but it feels like it's happened years ago. Back then I could feel him slip from my grasp and out of reach with every passing day, and I tried, I really tried to make him see that I cared about him, more than I ever have about anyone else. Alright, that I fucking loved him. I'm wondering if my saying those three famous words – and no, I'm not talking about nine inches cut here – in those last days would have changed anything. I doubt it. He was so sure that I didn't give a damn about him that nothing would have penetrated his mind, not even those words. I can't believe how different things are now. I think he truly knows how much he means to me now, and I'm really curious what Mikey told him. I believe he can really read me now, like he did before everything went to hell, and he had his innocence ripped from him, and nearly his life as well by that fucking loony Hobbs. He's reaching for my hand as I push into his tight ass, and his head comes to rest against my shoulder and he moans my name. "Oh, Brian." Fuck, it's so different now, so new and yet so familiar. Cause we were at this point before. Yeah, before the both of us turned a blind eye and it all imploded on us. I draw out, and push back in and I know I've hit his prostate from the groan that escapes his perfectly shaped lips. Wrapping my arms around him, I draw him closer yet, unwilling to let him go. Okay, that means I can't move so easily anymore, but that's a small price to pay for the feel of him against me. I roll my hips, my hand sneaking to his cock, fingers going around his straining flesh. I repeat the movement, and can feel him shudder under my hands. I stroke him while delivering some short pushes into his willing body, and then suddenly he erupts all over my fingers, and it's so hot to see him lose it like that, and I can do nothing but follow him with a few more thrusts. "Justin..." I whisper, and I wish for a second or two that I could tell him. Not because he needs to hear it, but because I want to say it. But then I hear Jack laughing at me, and I just can't get the words past my lips. However, when he turns his head and smiles at me, I know that he knows. It's okay, better than okay really. And I'm getting so lesbian that it's not even funny anymore. I pull out, and we both sigh at the loss. But then I turn him to face me, and gently kiss his lips, and it's alright again. Until his stomach growls once more, and we both crack up. I push him out of the stall and quickly dry him off. Then I tell him to get his fucking food ready in five minutes cause else I'd have to call one of the deliveries. I think he's considering stalling his dinner just to get me to eat fucking pizza again. But no, he takes pity on me, or perhaps that monster he's harbouring in his tummy, and grabs a pair of jeans and makes his way down the steps to the kitchen. While he busies himself with that stuff he calls food, I move to the wardrobe and have to smile. His things are back where they belong, even that sweater... But why is it lying with my things now? Then I hear him from the kitchen, "It's got your drool all over it, so I don't want it anymore." The little shit. He really sees right through me. Then why the fuck am I not running or freaking out? I grab a pair of sweats and a shirt, and make my way to the kitchen area. He just gives me a Sunshine smile, and my heart skips a beat. No, I can't be mad at him when he looks at me like that. I'll just have to be more careful when I want to drool over his stuff next time. He's put out two bowls and chopsticks, and I start to set the table when I remember... Well, it won't be too out of character if we eat this on the ground, more or less at least. So instead of putting everything on the dining table, I move one of the side tables towards the kitchen and grab two cushions for us to sit on, or kneel on – whatever. He's so immersed in his dinner preparations that he only realises what I've been up to when everything's set, even with a fucking candle, and I'm still wondering what made me do that. He smiles, but keeps quiet as if he thinks I might break if he mentions anything about this being fucking romantic. Little shit. But if he needs this to be happy, I might as well try to give it to him, cause I sure as hell don't want to go back to that life in limbo again. I'm only hoping that he'll be able to keep from calling all of this by its fucking name. Yeah, I know. It is ridiculously romantic, but it's not like it would be the first time I did something like this. Only that he can't remember the first time. I want to go out and punch that fucking loser Hobbs for taking this away from Justin, and from me! I don't know what would have happened after that night if we hadn't all ended up in hospital. Maybe I'd have bolted again, who knows. But maybe, just maybe, we would have gotten here, to this point, a long time ago. Yeah, and by now we'd be picking curtains – fucking not going to happen! If the Munchers need this rotten stuff, fine. But I'm not that much of a dyke – yet. Fuck! He puts the food on the table, and drops down on one of the cushions, putting about a ton into his bowl. I follow suit, sort of, and he raises his eyebrow when I'm just taking one spoonful of rice. Little fucker. It's after seven for crying out loud. But okay. I take another spoon – just for him. Then he eyes me nervously, and I know he's worried that I might not like what he threw together. I make a show of picking up just a tiny bit of meat with my chopsticks, looking at it disdainfully, and then putting it into my mouth. Shit, but it tastes good. But it wouldn't do to tell him, so I just nod and smirk, "It's alright." And I'm reminded of another night, ages ago, when he lived here for the first time. And I remember the night before... What the fuck had I been thinking? Hell, I know what I'd been thinking back then, and it scares me shitless. If I did that now, and succeeded, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to live with the consequences. I had been too close just last night. So I swallow, and then search and find his gaze. He looks worried, afraid of what I might say now. And I have to smile at that, one of those smiles only two people ever get to see, him and Gus. And then I tell him, "There'll be no more tricks here, or anywhere else if you're around." Fuck, this sounds so, so... I just have to add something that's more like Brian Fucking Kinney. "After all, why would I go for something less if the best is within reach." I wink, and he just smiles, and I know he's onto me. But that's ok, as long as he doesn't rub my nose in it. --- Justin I can't believe he said that. Because it means that this here, the loft - it will be just for the two of us. Our home. For once I can fend off the allergy attack and just smile. It's so unlike him to give me something like that, to promise something this big. Cause it is a promise, and I know that Brian never breaks a promise. I know, it doesn't mean that he'll stop tricking, and the truth is that I don't really want him to anymore, cause it's just a part of him. But I know that after that near disaster with Ethan, my tricking days are drawing to an end. Maybe once in a while, yes. I'm still a gay man after all, and as Mikey once told me we think of sex every, ehm, was it nine seconds? But if you're Brian Kinney, you're lucky if you have a moment's peace... We both dig in after that, and for a while everything is quiet and peaceful really. Then, of course, the phone rings. My phone rings. At first I'm afraid that it's Ethan, but then... "Hey, I just wanted to check if everything is going alright." It's Mikey, and I have to chuckle. I should have known that he'd make sure things were fine some time tonight. Brian gives me a questioning look and I mouth, "Mikey". He smirks, and turns back to his food. I can't believe how much rice he's already eaten despite his no-carbs-after-seven rule. "Everything's just fine, Mikey. I guess you were right after all." He laughs, and I can't help it but join in. Eventually, I manage to say, "Thank you. If it hadn't been for you... I don't even want to think about it really." Only belatedly I realise that Brian's still in the same room, and that he can hear every word I'm saying. Shit. But he's just grinning into his bowl, and I breathe a relieved sigh. "But now I've to go, Mikey. And I think you have to take care of someone as well. I'll come by the store tomorrow – to return the keys and discuss the new issue." He surprises me when he tells me to keep the keys, cause he thinks it'll be enough if I watch out for Brian. "After all, it's your home, and I don't think you want me barging in on you when you're in the middle of something..." He's right of course. But still... "And I'm looking forward to the new issue ... I've had lots of people ask about it already." Then he hangs up, and I stand there dumbstruck. And then I jump out of my skin cause Brian's suddenly all over me, drawing me into his arms, and kissing me breathless. "Should I be jealous? I mean, Mikey's calling you and everything..." He's so gonna pay for this. Dropping the cell on the counter, I attack his sides and he pushes himself away, glaring at me. "Ever heard that you should respect your elders, huh?" I shrug, then shake my head. I love it when he's in such a mood. It's almost as if his childhood hadn't been ripped away from him, and he can open up like the rest of us. He comes closer again, and ruffles my hair. "What should I do with you?" Oh, I can think of a few things, Mr Kinney... I'm about to introduce him to one or two of my ideas when that fucking phone goes off again and I just snatch it and snap, "What else do you want, Mikey?" I mean, sure, I fucking owe him now. But that doesn't mean that I have to be at his beck and call 24/7, does it? Then I realise that it's not Michael this time round... "I think we should talk about that phone call, Justin. Why don't you just come over and we'll, you know..." Yes, I know. I know, Ethan and I don't want it. Not anymore. Actually, I'm doubting that I ever really wanted it. I have tried to make it easier for him this morning, so I didn't mention Brian or my intention of winning him back. Now however... "No, Ethan. I don't think that's a good idea. I'm with Brian and we were just having dinner..." I feel Brian tense up next to me when I say Ethan's name, and I reach for his hand, holding it tightly. He has to know that I want him, and that no matter what Ethan offers now, it won't change my feeling one bit. "How could you go back to him after he treated you so badly last night?" He's getting angry, and after all the shit I've told him about how terrible Brian was to me, I can't take offence, can I? I've made Bri out to be a monster, and I just want the ground to open and swallow me about now. But I have to tell him something, don't I? I want him to understand, cause I know that if Ethan really loves me he'll want me to be happy, even if it's not with him ... just like Bri. "Ethan, we were wrong. Shit, I was wrong about so many things. I realised something after I left you this morning..." Now Brian breaks away, and I'm so scared that he'll be out of the door in a moment. But he must see that in my eyes and just shakes his head. He pushes me towards the sofa while he starts to clear away the remains of dinner. I wish there was a way to make it up to him right now, but first I've to handle the Ethan-matter. So I try to remember what I was about to say... "I realised that despite it all, I still loved him. And what's more, that he feels the same." I gaze at Brian and he just stares at me. Then, he gives a very short and curt nod, and I feel my heart swell and the allergies... Fuck, yeah – I'm starting to cry because he didn't freak out just now but gave me something I'll treasure forever. And all he did was fucking nod! "What the fuck did he say to make you believe that all of a sudden? Justin, he's using you. You're just the fuck he keeps around for times when he doesn't want to go out looking..." That does it! I really had enough of his shit. "Shut up, Ethan. He's fucking not using me, he never has. And he didn't say anything! He doesn't have to say anything. I finally managed to really see the things for what they truly are, and I have to say that I really sucked these past few weeks. And he's willing to forgive me for that! You know what that means? That he's much braver than I ever was!" I slam my cell shut, but have to open it again to block any calls from one Ethan Gold. I know that I can't blame him for something I did, but he's gone too far. I'm so fucking angry – with him and with myself for allowing things to get to this point. And then Brian's arms are around me, and I'm so fucking relieved that he's still here, despite the things he heard just now. And I wish I could tell him. But maybe I can... "Thank you," I whisper, and he's pulling me closer. I know that he understood. --- Brian At first, I want to run. Away from him and all the shit that he makes me feel. I mean, I knew where he was last night. But to hear it from his lips. It was just... But I can't do that to him. All our problems only got so big because I kept pushing him away, or somewhere he didn't want to be. So I'm just... I'm pushing him over to the sofa, and start to put away the rest of the food – maybe we can have it tomorrow, or he'll have one of his midnight snacks. Then I hear it. And I just stare at him. He told that fiddler that I fucking love him, now what should I do? And suddenly I feel myself nod at him, just briefly, but it's enough. Fuck, it has to be enough. I try not to listen to him, but then he starts yelling, and Justin never yells, or hardly ever. And when he does, he yells at me. Or maybe I just think that he should yell at me. Anyway, he slams his poor cell shut, and I simply know that he needs me. He needs me. Wasn't that something I ran from so far? I didn't want anyone to need me, cause I didn't want to need anyone either. With him, however, it seems to be okay. With him a great many things seem to be okay. So I just walk over and draw him close. And then he thanks me, and I'm having to fight to keep up some sort of composure. And I so want to get out of here, find that fucking fiddler and beat the shit out of him for doing this to Justin, and to our lovely evening. But somehow I think that Justin needed this, this little show-down with Ethan. I just hope Ian got the message and will leave us alone from now on. We're just about to get comfortable on the sofa when the fucking phone rings, and we both hold our breath as the machine takes the call. Thank God it's only Linz. I walk over and pick up the receiver. "I was wondering what happened to our invitation..." I swear I can hear how her jaw drops. I push my tongue into my cheek and grin at Justin who just shakes his head and tells me how bad I am. Like I didn't know that before. I put the call on the speakers without even thinking about it, so that he can also hear what Linz has to say. Finally she's collected herself enough to respond, "You mean, you and Justin are still..." I chuckle. I really can't put anything past her. "Not still – again. We decided that we should, you know, start over. Actually, he decided and bribed me with sex and food." Someone's having a coughing fit, and I just smirk. Poor Mel. Well, you shouldn't listen to other people's conversations. On the sofa, Justin's proving what I've known for ages – that he's completely cracked. Well, only one insane would stick with me for so long. Anyway, now he's laughing his ass off, and I surely hope that some of it will remain, cause I've plans for it. Then it's Linz again, admonishing me, "Be nice, Brian." Yeah, like I'm ever nice. I shudder. What a thought. "But I'm so happy for you, Mel as well." Right, I can just see how happy dearest Melanie is. "As for the invitation, Michael told me to give it to him. Said that he was going to take care of that, whatever that means..." Mikey, Mikey. I'm so going to have a chat with him. "I'm really happy for you, Bri. And for Justin. Tell him we said 'hello', yes? And that we'll see him this weekend. But Brian..." What now? "Don't give Gus tons of chocolate before dinner again, ok? He's to eat something healthy..." I smile, and before I can say anything else, she hangs up. So this is my family: a lover, who apparently has to be committed; a son I can't dote upon as I see fit; my son's meddling mother, who won't let me spoil our son rotten; and not to forget my dearest best friend, whom I'm so going to tell to get lost, well, or maybe I'll just get down on my knees an thank him for bringing Justin back to me. Fuck. I'm such a dyke.