There’s nothing but pills and Ashes under my skin Justin sat on the hospital bed waiting for someone to come and tell him he could go. If he stayed there a minute longer he would try to kill himself for real. His mother was driving him crazy enough demanding answers. He didn’t have any. “Hello,” Payton said knocking on the open door. “Can I come in?” Justin arched a brow. “It’s me Payton,” the man told him. “I know who you are,” Justin replied. “I came to see how you were doing?” Payton said. “I’m peachy,” Justin informed him in a sarcastic voice. “You really scared me,” Payton told him as he came closer to the bed. “That was my intention all along,” Justin said. “I threw the drugs away,” Payton muttered weary of Justin’s attitude. “I told the policemen and doctors that someone must have slipped something to you.” “Great, now they’ll be looking for a culprit,” Justin told him. “I was trying to help you out,” Payton stated. Justin sighed. “Thanks.” Payton smiled. “Are they releasing you soon?” Justin shrugged not having a clue. He was already planning his escape. “I thought that we could do something,” Payton said. “I really like you.” Justin looked at Payton and wanted to die. He hadn’t even fucked the man and Payton was already following him around. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Justin said. “Why not?” Payton asked. Justin shrugged. “It’s not a good idea.” Payton sighed. “Justin,” Jennifer said coming into the room with Brian and Daphne behind her. “How are you doing?” Daphne asked. “I’m fucking peachy,” Justin told her. “Honey,” Jennifer chastised in a light tone. “Who is this?” “I’m Payton,” he informed them. “I’m the guy that called the ambulance.” “Oh thank god,” Jennifer said and went to hug him. Justin rolled his eyes and instead concentrated on Brian who was giving him an unreadable expression. After a few minutes he decided that Brian was pissed. “Did the doctor talk to you?” Daphne asked. Justin shook his head. “What are you doing here?” “We came to see how you were doing,” Jennifer said. “So you are Justin’s mother I assume,” Payton said as he looked at Jennifer. “Yes,” Jennifer confirmed. “This is Daphne, Justin’s best friend and Brian, Justin’s boyfriend.” “Mother,” Justin growled. Daphne bit her lower lip so she wouldn’t laugh. Justin was acting like a kid. Justin frowned when Brian moved closer to him. “You are not going to hold my hand, are you?” “No,” Brian said. “But I could kick you ass.” “We talked about this, Brian,” Jennifer said. “What is this?” Justin asked. “Did you and my mother bond while I was unconscious?” “You mean dying,” Brian said. Justin started pouting. He really needed to leave the hospital. “I think we should let Justin rest,” Daphne told Jennifer who nodded consent. Jennifer wanted to give Brian and Justin privacy and added, “Come on Payton. Let me buy you lunch.” Payton nodded and looked at Justin. He could tell that Brian and Justin had something between them. “I’ll see you Justin.” Justin didn’t answer. “So?” Brian asked as he sat on the edge of the bed when everyone else had left. “So,” Justin repeated. “What the hell were you thinking?” Brian asked. “I don’t owe you any explanations,” Justin told him. “Fucker,” Brian said. Justin glared at him. “Get out of here. I don’t need you.” “Morning,” the doctor said as he came in. Brian got off the bed and stood next to Justin. “We ran some tests Mr. Taylor,” Doctor Collin told him. “There is a high amount of drugs in your bloodstream.” Justin stared at the doctor not flinching for a second. “So?” “Did you try to end your life, Mr. Taylor?” the doctor asked. “I did not,” Justin told him. “It was an accident.” “We are going to release you under the care of Dr. Mitchell Phillip,” Collin informed him. “He’s a psychologist and very good at his job.” “I don’t need to see a shrink, I am not crazy,” Justin told him. “It’s either that or you will be committed to the mental ward Mr. Taylor,” the doctor said as he wrote something in his chart. “You know the loony bin.” Brian arched a brow. He liked the doctor’s attitude. “You decide,” Doctor Collin told him. “Fine,” Justin hissed. “Whatever. When can I leave?” “Today,” Collin replied. “Here are some papers you need to sign. I’ll come back in a while and explain everything to you.” Justin sighed as he leaned back on the hospital bed. “My life is just great.” “You could have died,” Brian pointed out as he pulled a chair closer and sat down. “At least if I were dead I wouldn’t have to deal with all of you; I wouldn’t have to go through all this crap,” Justin retorted. “They care about you,” Brian pointed out. “They shouldn’t even bother,” Justin said. “Apparently I’m nothing but a suicidal junkie.” Brian stared at him. “Well, you might be worth it. I’m here even though I have a million things to do.” “Then go and do them,” Justin said. “They can wait,” Brian whispered. “You are so annoying,” Justin informed him. “Don’t compare me with Mikey,” Brian joked. “And just for that you’ll get punished.” Justin turned on his side with a little smile in place. He really wanted to be out of the hospital and to receive his punishment by Brian. *** No, you don’t know what It’s like when nothing feels Alright, you don’t know what It’s like to be like me Justin closed the door to his apartment and smelled the food. “Who the fuck is here?” “Me,” Daphne called out. Justin sighed. “And Brian too,” she informed him. “That’s just great,” Justin muttered as he walked to the kitchen. “What are you guys doing here?” “We wanted to do something nice for you,” Daphne said. “I made dinner.” “I entertained myself watching your porn collection,” Brian told him. Justin looked at Brian. “Did you like it?” “Very interesting variety you have,” Brian replied. Justin smiled wickedly. “Maybe we could try a few things later.” Daphne rolled her eyes at their banter. She went back to finishing dinner. When it was ready they all sat at the table to eat. “So, how was it?” Daphne asked. Justin frowned knowing exactly what she wanted to know. “The food is great, Daph.” Daphne sighed. “That’s not what I meant. I know my cooking is good, Brian is eating.” Brian narrowed his eyes at her before he swallowed. “Whatever.” “I don’t want to talk about it,” Justin told her and got up from table. “Justin,” Daphne protested. “Come back and eat your food.” “You are not my mother,” Justin spat out. “Now, now children, no bickering at the table,” Brian teased. “And you better start talking Justin. The faster she knows what happen the faster she will leave us alone and we can fuck.” “Is that all you think about?” Daphne asked Brian. Justin sat back at the table with an amused smile. “I went to see Mitchell.” “Is that the nutcase doctor?” Brian asked. “Brian!” Daphne shrieked. “Shut the fuck up.” Justin laughed. “What?” Brian asked like an innocent kid. Daphne rolled her eyes and looked at Justin. “What did he tell you?” “That it was okay to be me,” Justin told her. “He said I could do whatever I wanted to do and talk about whatever I feel like.” “What did you guys talked about?” Daphne asked. “I think that would be too personal to repeat,” Brian muttered. “Shut up,” Daphne said. “We didn’t talk about anything,” Justin replied. “I sat down and waited for the hour to be done.” “Are you shitting me?” Daphne asked. “You are supposed to be talking about your problems with him.” “Like fuck I will,” Justin said. “What the hell for? I don’t have any problems.” “You are living in denial,” Daphne accused him. “No, Daph,” Brian told her. “This is not Egypt it’s good old Pittsburgh.” Justin chuckled. “You are not helping,” Daphne hissed. “I didn’t say I would,” Brian pointed out. “Ugh,” Daphne grunted. “You two are so fucking frustrating.” “You have no patience,” Brian told her. There was a knock on the door. “Are you waiting for someone?” Daphne asked getting up. “God, let that be anyone else but my mother,” Justin muttered. “Close,” Brian whispered. Justin sighed when his father walked inside the dinning room. “What are you doing here?” “Your mother told me what happened! What the fuck were you thinking?” Craig asked. Justin got up from the table. “I am not going to do this with you.” “Justin!” Craig hissed. “Do not walk away from me.” “I want you out of my house!” Justin yelled. “I have nothing to say to you!” “You have some explaining to do young man,” Craig shouted back. “I have nothing to explain to you,” Justin told him in a deadly tone. Brian got up. He knew that tone. “Justin, relax.” “He has no fucking right to ask for answers,” Justin told Brian. “He doesn’t know shit about my life or the things I have gone through.” “You’re my son,” Craig told him. “I have every right.” “You’re son? I haven’t been your son since I told you I was gay. Or did you forget how your throw me out and disowned me? You don’t know shit about me!” Justin hissed. “Nothing!” Craig shook his head. “You are my son. And I know you. I said sorry about what happened when you were younger.” “That’s not good enough,” Justin spat out. “Not good enough at all!” “Justin,” Brian said as he held on to the agitated blond. “Just relax. Let it go.” Justin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Dad, what do you think I would do if my friend Pete was in trouble?” “Help him,” Craig said not knowing what Justin’s friend had to do with their conversation. “What would I really do Brian?” Justin asked. “Nothing,” Brian told him seeing clearly what the blond had done. “What?” Craig asked. Daphne sighed. “He doesn’t have a friend named Pete.” Craig felt like he had been slapped in the face. He could see now that his son was right. He didn’t know shit about him. He hadn’t even realized that his son had set him up. “Justin…I…this has nothing to do with that. “It has everything to do with it,” Justin told him trying to keep calm. “How dare you demand answers from me when you don’t know me? You don’t even know who my friends are, you don’t know me. You stopped being my father a long time ago.” “I think it’s best if you leave,” Brian told him. Craig wanted to be pissed at the man. He sighed and started walking to the door. “I’m sorry, Justin.” Justin shook his head, turned his back on his father and started walking towards his room. His father had no right to tell him anything; no right at all. *** Talk to me I can feel you falling And I wanted to be all you need “How are you doing?” Daphne asked. “Daphne,” Justin said sternly. “I need to be alone.” “I’m just worried about you,” Daphne told him. “I know that,” Justin said reaching for his cigarette box. “You have been here for hours,” Daphne told him. “Brian left and came back and left and now he is here again. I ran out of things to say to him.” Justin sighed. “Then I guess he will leave again and come back. Maybe he’s waiting for you to go so he can come in here and fuck me.” “Justin,” Daphne sighed. “Could you stop being so damn sarcastic for once?” “I was being serious,” Justin told her as he lit the cigarette. Daphne sighed. “Do you want something to eat?” “Don’t you have things to do?” Justin asked. “You come first right now,” Daphne told him. “Thanks Daph,” Justin told her. “Get me a drink then.” “No,” Daphne told him. “Jesus you are so incorrigible.” Justin laughed. “So does that mean you will get me a drink?” Daphne growled. “No!” “What’s going on?” Brian asked. “He’s being a prick,” Daphne accused. “She’s being a pain in the ass,” Justin informed Brian. Brian rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Why did I even bother asking?” “He won’t eat,” Daphne told him. “He has to eat.” “What are you going to do? Force feed him,” Brian said as he sat on the bed. “You could help me,” Daphne teased. “Don’t even,” Justin hissed. “You have to talk to us,” Daphne said getting serious. Justin frowned. “I don’t want to talk about anything. I want to be left alone.” Brian looked at the blond. “We are not going to talk about it anymore.” “Don’t help,” Daphne hissed at Brian. “Okay fine,” Justin told her. “Get me something to eat. Not too much though.” Brian watched her go and turned to Justin. “She won’t leave me alone,” Justin said. “This way I’ll have ten minutes of peace.” Brian chuckled and moved closer to the blond. He grabbed the cigarette away from Justin and smashed it against the ashtray. He smiled at the blond and then leaned forward to kiss him. Justin threw his arms around the brunet. “You feel so good,” Justin muttered. Brian smirked. “I always do.” Justin laughed and leaned his forehead against Brian’s. “How are you doing?” Brian asked. “I’m okay,” Justin muttered. “Really.” “You don’t have to say anything,” Brian told him. “I understand.” Justin hugged him to him. Brian just held him like that. He didn’t want to rush Justin to talk. “Here,” Daphne said entering into the room with a tray. “That was fast,” Justin told her. “I know,” Daphne said. “Thanks,” Justin told her and took the food. Brian and Daphne talked about trivial stuff while Justin ate some food. When he put the tray away Daphne started complaining that he barely ate. “It’s time for you to go, Daph,” Justin told her. Daphne sighed. “Fine. I know when I’m not wanted.” “It’s not that, Daph,” Justin told her. Daphne arched a brow. “I’m horny and I want to fuck Brian,” Justin told her. “Jesus Christ, Justin,” Daphne said and laughed. Brian smirked. “If you need anything just let me know,” Daphne said. Justin nodded. Daphne went to the kitchen to drop off the dirty dishes in the sink. She grabbed her coat and gloves and went back to the room to say goodbye. She stopped at the doorway and stared at Justin. The blond was trying to burrow himself closer to Brian as if that were even possible. She felt happy that Justin had someone who could be there for him. But she felt sad that it wasn’t her. For as long as she remembered Justin always ran to her. She would be the one to hold him and tell him that it would be okay. She moved away from them to let them have their privacy. Then she started to see that she would always be Justin’s best friend but now Brian would be number one in Justin’s life and she had to accept it no matter how hard it was. *** I can see the pain in you I can see the love in you But fighting all the demons Will take time, it will take time Brian was glad that the door to Justin’s apartment was unlocked. The blond had called him about twenty minutes ago and had demanded his presence at the apartment immediately. Any other time Brian would have told Justin to fuck off because he wasn’t going to let the blond tell him what to do. But there was something in Justin’s voice that put him on edge. “Justin!” “What the fuck do you want?” Justin asked from the studio. Brian went over to him. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong,” Justin informed him. “You were the one that called,” Brian hissed. Justin turned around and looked at Brian. He got up from his chair and walked over to the brunet. “You took an eternity to get here.” Brian sighed. “What do you want?” “I want to fuck you,” Justin said as he kissed Brian’s neck. “Is that so?” Brian asked. “Yeah,” Justin growled. “Don’t deny me. I’m in a weak state of mind.” “That’s useful,” Brian said as he let the blond push him back against the wall. Justin smiled from ear to ear. “Do you want me to fuck you, Brian?” Brian licked his lips. “Your silence could be interpreted in many ways,” Justin whispered as he started to open Brian’s pants. Justin kneeled in front of Brian happy to find that the brunet wasn’t wearing any underwear. He pulled out Brian’s erection his hands slowly jerking him off. He licked his lips and then took the head of Brian’s cock in his mouth. His tongue swirled around the head and then dipped into the man’s piss hole. “God,” Brian groaned as his hands grabbed Justin’s head. His fingers wrapped around the blond’s locks. Justin grabbed the edges of Brian’s jeans and pushed them down. He pulled back from Brian and got up. “Take off your clothes,” he told him as he left the studio. Brian got rid of his clothes. When Justin came back he was wearing only a pair of jeans. He had a few condoms in one hand and the lube in the other. He put them on the floor and smiled sinfully at the brunet. Brian arched a brow and pulled the blond into his arms. Justin grabbed Brian’s wrist when the brunet tried to grab his butt. “Let’s get on the floor first.” Brian and Justin kneeled in front of each other. Justin pushed Brian back. “I want to rim you,” Justin told him. “Turn around.” Brian sighed. “You are not fucking me. I’m not up for it today.” “I just want to rim you,” Justin told him. Brian turned around and closed his eyes as soon as Justin’s hands grabbed his ass cheeks. He felt Justin grabbing one of his wrists but didn’t think anything of it. Justin smirked and pulled a pair of cuffs from his back pockets. He fastened them around Brian’s wrist and quickly pulled the other wrist close so he could handcuff Brian. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Brian asked angry. He tried to move but Justin was straddling his thighs and his hands were bound on his back. “This is not funny.” “You look so hot,” Justin told him. He moved away and pulled Brian’s hips up. “Come on, on your knees.” “Fuck off!” Brian hissed. “I want to rim you,” Justin told him. “I’ll let you go then.” Brian sighed. He took a deep breath. He knew Justin well enough to know that the blond wouldn’t let him go even if he threatened to kill him. He got on his knees and felt Justin’s crotch pressing to his ass. Justin leaned down so he could whisper in Brian’s ear. “Don’t you love it, Brian?” Justin asked. “You are so hopeless now. Doesn’t it turn you on?” Brian tried to suppress a groan but couldn’t. He could feel Justin’s hard cock pressing against him. “It makes me horny,” Justin said in a husky voice. “The mere thought of being inside of you while you can’t do anything about it.” “Stop it,” Brian gasped. “You don’t want me to stop,” Justin informed him. “You want me to fuck you senseless.” Brian squirmed as he felt Justin’s lubed finger enter him. “You said you were going to rim me.” “I lied,” Justin replied. “You are so hard right now.” “That was there before this started,” Brian defended. “Bullshit,” Justin hissed. “You love this; you don’t want me to stop. In fact you are so close to begging me for more.” Brian closed his eyes and tried to breath. He tried to keep still as the blond finger fucked him but his hips seemed to have a brain of their own. “See,” Justin whispered. “I’m going to kill you for this,” Brian informed him. Justin laughed. Brian always said that when he did something that he wasn’t expecting. But Justin knew that Brian loved every second of it. The younger man unbuttoned his pants and then unzipped them. He grabbed a condom as he pushed his jeans down to the middle of his thighs. He licked his lips as he opened the square foil and took the condom out. “Justin,” Brian groaned. “Don’t worry,” Justin told him. “My cock is going to be in your tight ass in no time.” Brian lifted his shoulders up and Justin pushed him back down. Justin gripped Brian’s arms and licked his neck. Brian’s body trembled; he felt the tip of Justin’s cock at his entrance. Then Justin was pushing inside of him. “Oh god,” Brian moaned. Justin pulled his upper body when he was half way inside of Brian. He grabbed the brunet’s hips and pulled them back into his cock. “Justin!” Brian yelled. “I never said I would be gentle,” Justin moaned. “Fuck, you are so tight.” Brian growled as Justin started hammering inside of him. He was still for a few seconds and then started rocking back into the blond. He could feel the hard, cement floor digging into his shoulders but he didn’t care. His walls gripped around Justin’s cock and he moaned. “Yes,” Justin hissed. “Fuck, Brian. So good.” Brian’s body arched when Justin angled his hips to hit his prostate over and over again. He felt his cock about to fall off if Justin’s didn’t touch him. “Justin.” Justin just gripped Brian’s hips tighter and hammered faster. He knew what the brunet wanted but he wasn’t going to touch Brian. “Justin!” Brian growled. Justin leaned closer to Brian once again. His hands gripped the brunet’s hair and pulled his head back to expose the man’s neck. Justin licked it from the base until he reached Brian’s chin. “So tasty,” he muttered. “Touch me,” Brian told him. “Let me hear you,” Justin instructed. Brian shut his eyes. Justin laughed and bit Brian’s neck at the base. His fingers brushed against Brian’s piss hole and Brian came. Brian yelled as his orgasm shook him. He couldn’t believe it. It felt so good as Justin kept ramming into him. “You are my dirty old man,” Justin told him. Brian was feeling so exposed as Justin took control of everything. The blond was clawing at his skin. He could smell the sweat and cum in the air. It drove him crazy. Justin groaned as he reached his climax. His fingers buried on Brian’s skin. “That was so good,” Justin muttered when he found his voice. “Let me go,” Brian demanded. “Of course,” Justin said as he slowly pulled out of Brian. He got rid of the condom and stood up. He zipped his pants and reached for the key inside his pockets. He took the handcuffs off Brian and then walked to the living room. Brian kneeled on the floor rubbing his shoulders. Part of his neck was sore from the weight it had sustained and the other side was aching from where Justin had bit him. He stood up on shaky legs and felt his hole on fire. He was so going to kill Justin. “You are an asshole,” Brian hissed as he walked to the kitchen to grab some napkins. He cleaned his abdomen and chest. When that was done he walked back to where Justin was. “You loved it,” Justin replied as he sat on the sofa smoking a cigarette. Brian wanted to argue about it. He wanted to deny it but he couldn’t. Justin had never taken him like that before, he had enjoyed every second of it. He sat next to the blond and Justin caressed his face. Brian frowned seeing how sad Justin looked. “Jus,” Brian muttered. “What?” Justin asked. “I’m here for you,” Brian said and swallowed. He felt so raw talking about his feeling with the blond. “I know things will get better.” Justin looked away. “I’m okay, now, Brian.” Brian caressed Justin’s hair. “Now, who is lying?” Justin got up from the sofa. “I don’t want to talk about this,” he walked away and got rid of his cigarette. When he came back he was holding a black scarf. Brian sighed. Justin got on Brian’s lap with a leg on either side. “Want to use this on me?” Justin asked as he showed Brian the scarf. Brian took them with a smile on his face. He could also see love in Justin’s eyes. Love for him but Brian didn’t ever think he would find someone who would love him like the blond did. So he would be there for Justin trying to make it better, no matter how much time it took the blond to let go of all the pain. *** You figured me out I’m lost and I’m hopeless Justin looked at his watch and sighed. He still had another thirty minutes left. “Are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment?” Mitchell asked. “You said I could do whatever I wanted as long as I felt comfortable,” Justin pointed out. “Do you feel comfortable?” Mitchell asked him. “Yes,” Justin answered. “You are not cooperating,” Mitchell said. “Am I supposed to?” Justin asked. “Don’t you want to get better?” Mitchell asked. Justin sighed. “There is nothing wrong with me.” Mitchell sighed. “Tell me how you’re doing Justin.” “Same old, same old,” Justin drawled. “How are you doc?” “We are not here for me,” Mitchell informed him. He was having a hard time with Justin. They weren’t making progress at all. “Tell me something about yourself, Justin.” “I’m annoyed and I want to go home,” Justin said. “How is that for sharing my feelings, doc?” “What do you want Justin?” Mitchell asked. He wasn’t going to give up. “I want to be home painting,” Justin told him. “So you are an artist?” Mitchell asked. “Yes,” Justin answered. “Are you done with the questions?” “We are trying to get to the root of the problem,” Mitchell explained. “We want to find out why you tried to kill yourself.” “I think me being an artist has nothing to do with it,” Justin told him. “Oh, and I didn’t try shit,” Justin hissed. “I didn’t know what I had taken. I lost count for fuck sake.” “You think its okay to take drugs?” Mitchell asked him. “Do you think it’s wrong to take drugs?” Justin asked. “It’s my fucking body I can do whatever I want with it.” “They kill you slowly,” Mitchell told him. “As opposed to a car hitting you and you dying instantly?” Justin asked and looked at the psychologist. Mitchell was going in circles with the blond. “What do you want right now?” Mitchell asked. “A strong drink,” Justin said. “What else?” Mitchell asked and observed Justin’s body posture. “To be home,” Justin said as he got up. He walked closer to the window. “That’s all you want,” the man said. “For now,” Justin answered. “Are you going to keep asking me stupid questions?” “Go home, Justin,” Mitchell said as he stood up. “I’ll see you next week.” “Great,” Justin told him sarcastically. “I can’t wait.” “You do know I am not going to release you until you fix your problem,” Mitchell warned him. “It’s for your own good.” “You do know I could care less,” Justin stated. “See you next week, doc.” Mitchell shook his head. He didn’t know how else he was going to deal with the blond. Justin closed the door behind him and let out a deep breath. “Fuck,” he hissed and walked away from the office. Justin was going to go home but ended up going to the loft. He didn’t bother to knock like he would do any other time. He went inside and Brian was sitting at the desk. “What’s going on?” Brian asked seeing Justin’s face. “Mitchell is driving me insane,” Justin told him. “What are you doing here?” Brian asked and kissed him when Justin stood next to him. Justin smiled. “I wanted to see you.” “You mean?” Brian asked as he grinned. “I wanted to fuck you,” Justin informed him. “I’m going out,” Brian told him. “To Babylon.” “Oh well,” Justin said. “I’ll go with you. I’ll find some hot guy who is willing to drop his pants for me.” “I thought you would stay out of those places,” Brian muttered. Justin pulled away and exclaimed, “Fucking hell not you too!” Brian sighed as he saw the blond walking to the bedroom. He stayed sitting at his desk but he wasn’t doing much. He got up after a while and found Justin naked under the duvet. “Aren’t you going to Babylon?” Justin asked when Brian started to undress. “What are you going to do?” Brian asked. “I’ll stay here and be the good boy everyone wants me to be,” Justin retorted. Brian sat on the bed. His hand caressed Justin’s chest. “It’s funny,” Brian said. “I thought you would have been more careful.” Justin looked at Brian briefly. He felt like he was trapped. Brian stared at Justin and he didn’t have to ask. He just knew. He looked away his face twisting with pain. He felt tears coming to him and he pushed them away. “Brian,” Justin muttered. “You’re such an asshole,” Brian said and sniffed. He got up quickly and stayed with his back to the blond. Justin took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Brian.” “No,” Brian said as he got up and walked away from the blond. Justin got out of the bed quickly and went to follow the brunet. “Brian!” “No!” Brian hissed. “I don’t want to hear it!” Justin took a step back. He could see that Brian was about to bolt from the place. He looked like a wild animal that had been caged. Justin wanted to take all the pain he had caused away from the brunet. “Okay,” Justin said. Brian stopped pacing and looked at Justin. “Okay,” Justin repeated as tears started to drop. “Justin,” Brian muttered. “Okay!” Justin yelled. “I did it!” “Shut the fuck up!” Brian shouted. “I wanted to die!” Justin confessed. “And I didn’t even plan it. I never spent hours of the day wishing I were dead. It wasn’t like that. It was only for a second that I really didn’t care anymore. There was nothing to care about,” he said before he turned around and went back to the bedroom. Brian stood still. He had known the truth but was afraid to admit it even to himself. He closed his eyes and felt tears threatening to come out. And he hated Justin for doing that to him. He had never wanted to care about Justin in the first place and now that he did the blond wanted to end his life so easily. Slowly, he went back to the bedroom. Justin had his head on the pillow and he was crying. Brian got on the bed and pulled him to his warm embrace. Justin’s head rested on the crook of Brian’s neck. The blond threw his arms around Brian’s shoulders and held him tight. Brian ran his fingers through Justin’s hair over and over again. It felt like an eternity before he heard himself say, “I want you to stay.” And Justin understood Brian Kinney speak 101. He could hear it clearly even though Brian didn’t say those exact words; he meant that he wanted Justin to stay alive. *** But I fear I have Nothing to give and I Have so much to lose Justin was watching Daphne and felt like strangling her. He looked at her cooking and he wanted kick her ass. He wasn’t a baby and he didn’t need anyone taking care of him. “When are you going to leave me alone?” Justin asked. “Never,” Daphne answered without looking up. “You are worse than my mother,” Justin informed her. “Yeah right,” Daphne drawled. “You are pestering me,” Justin said. “Did you know that?” “I had an idea,” Daphne retorted. Justin rolled his eyes and went to grab something to drink. He needed something if he was going to deal with Daphne. “What are you doing?” Daphne asked when she turned around and saw Justin with a drink in his hand. “What does it look like?” Justin asked. “You are not allowed to be drinking or taking any other drugs,” Daphne hissed. “Don’t worry,” Justin said. “You are watching me. I won’t roll over and die while you are here.” Daphne glared at him. She felt like slapping him over and over again. “I’m not hungry by the way,” Justin said. “And I have a lot of work to do.” “Well, you are going to eat,” Daphne told him. “I’m stronger than you,” Justin pointed out. “You can’t force feed me.” Daphne was so going to kill him. “I’ll call Brian.” “I’ll threaten to mutilate his clothes,” Justin spat out. “He won’t dare try it.” “I’ll call your mother,” Daphne said. “Do you want me to kick you out of my apartment?” Justin asked. “I have a key,” Daphne pointed out. “Jesus fucking Christ!” Justin hissed. “And you wonder why I drink. You are so fucking annoying. I want to be alone. Don’t worry Daph you won’t find me tomorrow with my wrists slashed.” “Don’t fucking joke like that,” Daphne yelled. “I’m being serious,” Justin told her. “Justin,” Daphne started. “I don’t want to fucking hear it,” Justin yelled. He grabbed the bottle of whisky as he walked to his bedroom. “Everyone has something to say. I’m fucking tired of it.” Daphne sighed and finished cooking. She knew it would be hopeless to make Justin eat. He was in one of his darks moods. “Hey,” Brian said entering into the apartment. “Does Justin ever lock this door?” “Do you knock anymore?” Daphne asked. Brian smirked and shrugged. “Where is he?” “His room,” Daphne informed him. “Do you want to eat something?” “Not really,” Brian answered. Daphne nodded and started taking out the bowls to put everything away. She was so tired of fighting with Justin. “What’s wrong?” Brian asked her. “Justin’s been drinking,” Daphne told him. Brian nodded slowly. He wished he could slap some sense into the blond. “I tried to talk to him but he won’t listen,” Daphne informed him. “Maybe you could say something, he might listen to you.” “He’s a big boy,” Brian drawled. “Drop the bullshit,” Daphne said dryly. “I already have to deal with him. I can’t handle the both of you.” Brian shrugged. “There is nothing I can do.” “You haven’t even tried,” Daphne snapped. “I’ve been trying!” Brian hissed. Daphne stayed quiet. “I’m trying to help him as best as I can,” Brian informed her. “And I haven’t been successful. Nothing I say or do helps. He will still do whatever the fuck he wants.” Daphne looked at the brunet and saw how it all was affecting Brian. “And I am tired of this,” Brian hissed. “I’m tired.” “Scared,” Daphne told him. “You are fucking scared.” Brian stared at her and shook his head slowly. “You don’t know shit about me.” Daphne started laughing. “You are just like him.” Brian frowned and walked towards Daphne. “What do you want me to do?” “I don’t know,” Daphne said. “But I’m scared too.” Brian wanted to run away from her. She was scaring him. He didn’t think anyone knew how scared he was of losing Justin. He wanted the blond to get better, because it didn’t matter how many times Justin told him that it was all okay, he couldn’t believe him. “I guess all we can do is be here for him,” Daphne told him. “I won’t let him do this to me,” Brian hissed. “You love him,” Daphne said. “I love him too, he’s my best friend. I’m scared too. Do you think its easy knowing what he tried to do? I feel helpless.” Brian closed his eyes. He didn’t want to hear her. “Could you two stop arguing about me,” Justin said as he came to the living room. “I was trying to sleep.” Daphne sighed. “I should go.” Brian and Justin didn’t say a word to each other as Daphne gathered her things. “The food is there if you feel like eating.” “I think I should go too,” Brian said and went to kiss Justin. Justin pulled back. “You know if you don’t want to be here, don’t be here.” Brian sighed. “It’s not like that, Justin.” “Then how the fuck is it, Brian?” Justin asked. “I never asked for your help.” Brian was getting angry. “I can take care of myself,” Justin informed him. “What I do with my life is my fucking problem.” Brian glared at him. “Oh, so it doesn’t affect anyone else?” Justin licked his lips. “And why does it affect you?” Brian shook his head. “You are right. It doesn’t mean shit to me,” he hissed and turned around to leave. He was tired of Justin pretending that nothing had happened. He wanted to help him but it was pointless and he wasn’t going to stay and let the blond walk all over him. He hated the way it made him feel. “Bitch,” Justin muttered when Brian had left. “Twat,” Brian hissed as he walked to his car. Justin went to his bedroom and tried not to think about Brian while Brian went home and tried not to think about the blond. Both of their attempts were hopeless. *** Then I see you standing there Wanting more from me Justin heard the knocking and he hoped it would go away. He stayed there for about fifteen more minutes before he couldn’t take it anymore. He got up and went to answer the door. “What the fuck do you want?” Justin asked. “Good fucking morning to you too,” Brian said as he pushed his way inside. “What are you doing here?” Justin asked. “I brought you breakfast,” Brian told him as he walked to the kitchen. “I brought hot chocolate too.” Justin closed the door and followed Brian. He wanted to tell the man to just leave everything and go but a part of him was happy that the brunet was there. “So,” Brian said. “Are you hungry?” “Sure,” Justin answered. “Look,” Brian stopped what he was doing. “You acted like a total asshole to me yesterday.” Justin narrowed his eyes at Brian. “Fuck you.” “Not now, Justin, I’m trying to say something,” Brian said. “Brian,” Justin started rubbing his temples. “Do you know how complicated and frustrating you are?” “Justin,” Brian replied. “You are just the same way.” “Then what the fuck are you still doing here?” Justin asked him. “What do you want from me?” “I don’t know,” Brian told him. “I...I care about you Justin.” Justin’s hand lowered to his sides. He looked at the brunet and started to bite his lower lip. “So, I care if you weren’t here,” Brian told him. “It affects me when you...try to hurt yourself.” Justin wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m sorry about...what I said.” Brian rolled his lips inside him mouth. They stared at each other for a few seconds. “Uh, so are you going to eat this?” Brian asked. Justin walked over to him. “Okay. You’ll eat some too, right?” “Okay,” Brian agreed. Justin was about to take his plate but stopped himself. Instead, his arms wrapped around Brian’s waist and pulled him close. Brian hugged the blond as well. “You are pretty amazing,” Justin told him. “Don’t say that too loud,” Brian said and chuckled. They pulled away and kissed. “Let’s stop this,” Brian told him. “Eat first.” “Shit,” Justin said and grinned. “You really care, don’t you?” “I do,” Brian told him and looked away. “I care about you too,” Justin said. “That wasn’t a lie before.” Brian smiled and nodded. “Jeez, if I was you I wouldn’t be here after having found out how fucked up I am,” Justin muttered. “You are not me,” Brian told him. Justin bit his lower lip and nodded. “I’m not a prize either,” Brian arched a brow as Justin looked at him with a wicked smile. “Well in all aspects I am usually perfect, but I do have my drama queen moments,” he smirked. Justin laughed and grabbed his food. “Come on.” Brian followed Justin to the table. “Hey,” Justin said. “As a thank you. I might dance for you on this table again.” Brian’s cock hardened. “Eat. Fast.” Justin smiled and took his time eating. He was partly doing it to tease the brunet but another part of him enjoyed spending time with the taller man. He wasn’t sure why Brian kept coming around but he was happy that the brunet did. Brian watched as Justin ate, happy to see the blond smiling. He didn’t know why he kept coming back to the blond but he was happy that Justin let him.