Guys, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. It was the muses. I swear. WARNING: Enter at your own risk.
Brian sat down on the cold, plastic chair for a long time. He didn’t know how many seconds, minutes or hours had passed since the doctor had come out to tell him what had happened. He didn’t want to deal with the reality of the situation. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted to wake up from the horrible nightmare he was having. “There you are.” Michael said as he found Brian. “Everyone is here. They are in the other…Brian?” Brian kept staring into the white, hospital wall. Michael sat down next to his friend and touched his arm. Brian jumped slightly and looked at Michael, wondering when he had gotten there. “I was talking to you.” Michael said. Brian nodded. “I’m sorry.” Brian said. “What’s going on? Did the doctor talk to you?” Michael asked. Brian started shaking. He felt like he was drowning. Michael gasped as he felt Brian trembling. He could see that Brian was as white as a ghost. He didn’t like it one bit. “Brian, what did he say?” Michael asked knowing by now that the doctor must have said something to the brunet. “I am a bad person.” Brian said crying as he rubbed his belly. “Don’t say that.” Michael told him. “The doctor made me choose, Michael.” Brian whispered. Michael frowned not sure if he wanted to hear what Brian was going to say. “It was him or the baby, Michael.” Brian said crying. “I understand.” Michael whispered. “I choose him.” Brian whispered. “He’s never going to forgive me for this.” “That’s not true.” Michael assured him. “I just couldn’t let him die.” Brian said. “I could say that he couldn’t die because we already have a son who cannot lose his other father, because it would be the logical choice, but that’s not true. I chose him because I love him so much and I am not ready to let him go…because I was selfish.” “Shhh. It’s okay.” Michael assured him as he hugged Brian to him. “What am I going to do, Mikey?” Brian asked. “How am I going to tell him?” Michael closed his eyes and felt his own tears threatening to come out. “Hey.” Chris said coming to them with Jack behind them after a while. “Everyone else is here and Justin woke up.” Brian pulled away from Michael and cleaned his face quickly. He had to go and face Justin. He had to tell the blond that they had lost their son. He just didn’t know how he was supposed to do that. *** Justin looked around the room and wondered where everyone was. He touched his belly, noticing that it felt smaller and then felt the staples from the c-section. He frowned not knowing what had happened or where his baby was. Then Brian came in and Justin smiled when he saw the brunet. “Hey.” Brian said. “How are you feeling?” “Okay.” Justin told him. Brian nodded and looked at Justin’s stomach. He walked closer and grabbed Justin’s hand. “What happen?” Justin asked Brian. Brian frowned and looked towards the window. He didn’t know how he was going to tell Justin that they had lost their child. “Brian, tell me.” Justin said getting worried as he saw Brian’s expression. Justin knew something was wrong. He was starting to get scared. He knew something was wrong with the baby. “The doctor talked to me.” Brian choked out. “He told me…that you and the baby had a low pulse and that you guys might not make it. I was so scared…so fucking scared.” Brian said as his eyes watered. “Brian.” Justin whispered scared of what Brian was going to tell him. Justin gripped Brian’s hand harder and then grasped the hospital sheets with his free hand. “He had to give priority to one or the other and…and he asked me.” Brian told him. “And I…I…” Justin’s heart was beating fast, not sure he wanted Brian to finish what he had started to say. “We lost him.” Brian muttered. Justin pulled his hand away from Brian. Then he just stared straight ahead. The words bounced in his head not wanting to leave him. They were going to haunt him forever, he was sure. “Where is the doctor?” Justin asked. “I want to talk to him.” “Justin, did you hear what I said?” Brian asked frowning. “Yes.” Justin told him calmly. “Now, can you go get the doctor for me? I want to know everything that happened.” Brian frowned. “O-okay.” Brian said. “Did you see him?” Justin asked before Brian had the opportunity to leave the room. “Did you see the baby?” Brian shook his head. “I want to.” Justin told him. “What?” Brian asked. “I want to say goodbye.” Justin simply said. “Get the doctor, please.” Brian left the room and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down. He didn’t like the way Justin was acting. He had expected Justin to cry or scream at him. Anything but the calmness that Justin had shown him. He leaned against the wall not sure what to do next. He just didn’t want to do anything at all. He wanted to disappear; he just wanted to wake up. *** Brian closed the door and followed Justin. Debbie and Vic had stayed with Liam for the night. He was thankful that everyone had been so helpful. He watched Justin take of his clothes and then get in the bed. “Do you need anything?” Brian asked. “No.” Justin answered. “Are you sure?” Brian asked again. “I’m sure.” Justin assured him. “Are you feeling okay?” Brian asked. Justin sighed and nodded. “I’m fine.” Justin told him. Justin lay back in the bed and then moved to his side. He felt the pain cursing through him and whimper escaped his lips. “Justin, are you okay?” Brian asked alarmed. “Fuck.” Justin hissed. “I’m fine! Stop asking me that fucking question.” Brian frowned and nodded. He got out of the bedroom and walked to the living room. He sat down and thought about everything that had happened. He couldn’t believe that their lives had changed so drastically in a matter of hours. He wished he could fix it somehow. “What are we going to do?” Brian asked himself in a low voice. Brian rubbed his belly and couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. He whimpered and then the tears started falling one after the other. He wanted Justin to be there next to him, helping him deal with everything that had happened. But Justin was pulling away from him and dealing with his pain in his own way. Something told Brian that things weren’t going to be pretty. *** Justin came out of the backroom and walked to the bar. He asked for a double beam and drank it quickly. He asked for another and another until he couldn’t remember how many he had. Michael had been watching him for a while and finally decided to go talk to the blond. He knew that the blond and Brian were going through a tough time. It only had been a month since they lost a child and things were getting worst. “What?” Justin asked as he looked at Michael. “What are you doing here?” Michael asked. “It’s a free country.” Justin told him sipping his drink. “What are you doing here?” “I'm with Emmett and Ted.” Michael told him. “Having a few drinks amongst friends.” “Well, I am all alone.” Justin told him. “Do you have a problem with that?” Michael sighed. “Does Brian know you are here?” Michael asked. “No. But I’m sure you will tell him.” Justin spat out. “Is there something you want?” Michael shrugged. “Shouldn’t you be with Brian?” Michael asked. “Jack is with him.” Justin said dryly. “Isn’t that your job?” Michael pointed out. Justin laughed acidly. “Is it your fucking problem?” Justin asked. “Shouldn’t you be with Chris?” “I would if he'd let me.” Michael told him. “Whatever.” Justin said glaring at Michael before he turned back to his drink. “I know that you are going through a difficult time, Justin. But this is not the answer.” Michael said. “You don’t know shit.” Justin said dryly asking for another drink. “You shouldn’t drink so much.” Michael suggested. “You are not my fucking father.” Justin said angrily. “I know that it’s hard.” Michael said. “I know what you must be feeling like. But you need to pull out of it. You have Brian and Liam to think about. Talk to me, Justin.” “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.” Justin told him. “So I have nothing to say to you.” “You are right.” Michael said as if he had suddenly remembered but he was just being sardonic. Justin looked at him with an arched brow before he went to drinking his glass of beam. “Brian is the one that lost a kid just like you. But you are not talking to him either, so what’s your excuse now?” Michael asked. Justin frowned and got up. He dropped a few bills and ignored Michael’s stare. “Have a nice life, Michael. Hope your kid doesn’t die on you too. It’s not like you have another, right?” Justin said as he left. Michael took a deep breath and shook his head. He didn’t know what else to do. Everyone had tried talking with Justin but nothing seemed to work. He hoped that Justin would talk to someone soon before he self-destructed. *** Brian was outside the house trying to control his emotions with no success. Jack came to the backyard and found him. He frowned when he saw Brian crying. He sat next to his son and put an arm around Brian’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” Jack asked. Brian shook his head as he cleaned his tears to no avail. New ones just kept coming out and wetting his face. “Talk to me.” Jack told him. “I don’t know what to do.” Brian said. “Justin is out of control.” Jack took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You have to give him time.” Jack said. “He is coping with the loss of your baby.” Brian squeezed his eyes and started sobbing more frantically. Jack hugged him and let Brian cry. “He won’t talk to anyone.” Brian said. “He hasn’t even cried yet. Not that I’ve seen him.” “I know this is hard for both of you. I know that you are going out of your mind. I can see it. I don’t want you stressing out, Brian.” Jack told him. “We will talk to him soon. Let him cool down.” Brian shook his head. “He won’t talk to anyone and he is drinking like crazy.” Brian said. “He won’t even look at Liam. He won’t touch him or see him. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.” Jack rubbed Brian’s back. Suddenly they heard Liam crying and both of them went to see what was wrong. They found Liam on the floor and Justin looking at him. “What happen?” Brian asked. “Nothing.” Justin told him. “I just spanked him.” “What?” Brian asked shocked. “What the hell for?” “He threw a toy at me because I said I wouldn’t play with him.” Justin told him. “He misses you.” Brian said grabbing Liam who put his head on Brian’s shoulder and cried. “Well, I don’t have time for that.” Justin told him. Brian glared at him and turned around, leaving Justin and Jack alone in the living room. “Justin, we need to talk.” Jack told him. “I have nothing to say.” Justin said moving to grab his keys and then leaving. *** Chris got out of school and smiled when he saw Michael. He walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. He frowned and pulled Michael’s shades off. He opened his eyes wide in surprise. “What the fuck happened to you, Mike?” Chris asked worried. “Are you okay?” “Yeah.” Michael said. “Does it hurt?” Chris asked, pushing the bruise that Michael had on his face. “Fuck!” Michael hissed. “It hurts when you do that. Yes.” Chris gave him a sorry look. “What happened?” Chris asked. “Justin happened. Get in the car. We’ll be late for your appointment.” Michael told him. “Why would Justin do that?” Chris asked putting his seat belt on. “I was trying to talk to him. He was drunk and probably high too.” Michael started to explain. “I guess he didn’t want to hear what I had to say, so he punched me.” “Shit.” Chris said. “And then what happened?” “Nothing. I’m not going to hit him.” Michael told him. “I know he is going through a tough time. I’m just trying to help.” “I tried talking to him too.” Chris said. “But he always manages to change the subject.” Michael nodded knowing exactly how well Justin could do that. “Do you think they are going to break up?” Chris asked biting his lower lip. Michael looked at Chris and shrugged. “I know they love each other, but things are not going well at all. They are fighting like crazy and Justin is really hurting Brian. He is hurting everyone, knowing exactly what to say to all of us to make us back off or want to kill him.” Michael said. “I have no idea what’s going to happen.” Chris nodded and stayed silent. He didn’t wanted Brian and Justin to break up. He loved both of them and didn’t want to see them hurt. He wished that none of it had happened. That Justin was okay and still carrying the baby. It was ironic how he didn’t want to have a baby and he was, but Justin who had wanted it so much, had lost it. Life was just not fair sometimes. “We're here.” Michael said. Chris and Michael got out of the car and went into the clinic. Forgetting for awhile about Brian and Justin and trying to enjoy their own experience about becoming fathers and hoping in the back of their minds that everything would be okay. *** Justin felt Brian’s body close to him and pulled away. Brian frowned and moved closer to Justin. Justin sighed and got up from bed. He turned on the light and started getting dressed. “What are you doing?” Brian asked rubbing his face. “I can’t sleep.” Justin told him. “So?” Brian asked. “What are you getting dressed for?” Justin muttered something that Brian couldn’t understand. “Justin.” Brian whispered. “Come back to bed.” “I said I was going out.” Justin told him grabbing his wallet. “Fuck.” Brian hissed getting out of bed. Justin left their room while turning off the light. Brian followed Justin out of their room. “Go back to bed, Brian.” Justin told him. Brian was getting mad. “I can smell them on you when you get back.” Brian hissed. Justin turned around and arched a brow. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Brian asked “What the fuck do you care?” Justin asked angrily. “It’s my fucking life, Brian!” “It’s our life, Justin!” Brian screamed back. Justin crossed his arms and stared at Brian. “Are you done?” Justin asked. “Fuck, Justin.” Brian yelled. “What’s going on?” Jack asked as he came out of his room. “Is everything okay?” “No.” Brian hissed. “It’s this slut!” Justin rolled his eyes. “I guess you would know.” Justin told him. “Justin, where are you going?” Brian asked. “It’s one in the morning.” “Out!” Justin hissed moving to the front door. “Why?” Brian asked. “Fuck, Justin. You're always going out.” “So?” Justin asked putting his hands on his hips. “Do you have a problem with that?” “Yes!” Brian yelled. “I do.” “Tough.” Justin said dryly. Jack frowned as he looked at Brian who had stared to cry. Justin shook his head and left the house. “Brian.” Jack said walking towards his son. “Are you okay?” “I don’t know what else to do?” Brian asked. “I don’t know.” Jack nodded and hugged his son. He could see how things were changing. How this time they were really fighting and things weren’t looking too good. He just hoped that they found a way to deal with them soon. Or nothing good could come out of it.