Brian was still pacing when someone started pounding on the loft door. Figuring that Spirit Melanie was back, he slid the door open quickly. But it wasn’t Spirit Melanie who stood at the door. It was a man with salt and pepper hair and hazel eyes. He was older, but Brian recognized him immediately. “What the fuck?” Brian breathed. “I’m the spirit of Christmas yet to come?” “Who better?” Spirit Brian asked. “Who would know your life better than you?” “You have stuff to show me?” Spirit Brian nodded. “Am I going to like it?” Spirit Brian shrugged. “Well, let’s get it over with.” Spirit Brian motioned for Brian toward the elevator. Brian moved tentatively into the lift as Spirit Brian followed. Brian didn’t know what to expect, then the lift began to move down fast. It seemed to fall forever and Brian feared that he wouldn’t survive. Then it came to an abrupt stop. Spirit Brian opened the gate and indicated that Brian should follow him. “Where are we?” “All in due time.” Spirit Brian moved through a labyrinth of hallways and doors until he stopped at a door marked ‘Kinney’. He took out a key then turned it in the lock. The door swung in to reveal Brian’s loft. “Did we go in a circle?” Brian asked but the spirit remained silent. Brian then saw a teenage boy moving about the loft. He seemed to be packing Brian’s stuff into boxes. Every once in a while the young man would sigh and shake his head. “Gus?” A woman’s voice called. “Yeah, Mom.” “Gus?” Brian breathed. “My God.” “Are you through packing the kitchen stuff, yet, sweetie?” The woman then walked in the loft door and Brian realized it was Melanie. She was older, but Brian saw that she looked just as tough as she had always been. “Yes.” Gus said sadly. “I think I’ll work on the bedroom next.” Melanie sighed in very much the same way as Gus had earlier. “I can’t believe he’s gone.” “Yeah.” Gus said. “I just wish I knew why. Why would he do it?” “What’d I do?” Brian asked confused. “I don’t know baby.” Melanie said. “Maybe it was something I did.” Gus said sadly. “No, baby. Your dad loved you.” Melanie’s eyes teared up then. “He really did. He just turned hard after Justin left.” “Did you ever get in touch with Justin?” “Yeah, through his sister.” Melanie confirmed. “Is he gonna be here?” “I don’t know.” Melanie said as she pulled Gus into a hug. “He was pretty tore up about Brian’s death, but he didn’t think he could come back on such short notice.” “Death?” Brian said astonished. “I’m dead.” “Yes.” Spirit Brian said. “You were found dead in your loft. It was determined that you died of an overdose. Seems you were doing drugs and drinking pretty heavy. You managed to kill yourself. They couldn’t determine whether it an accident or not.” “It had to be an accident.” Brian countered. “Why would I kill myself?” “You changed after Justin left. You became withdrawn and difficult.” Spirit Brian explained. “You went into overdrive on drugs, booze, and sex, too. Nothing anyone said would change how you acted.” Spirit Brian’s raised his eyebrows. “Then you began to push everyone away. Even Michael got tired of trying to help you and moved away with Ben. They’re living in Cleveland. Ben’s very sick now. He’ll probably only live another few months.” “Poor Mikey.” “Yeah, too bad that when he needed you most, he couldn’t turn to you.” “Why not? I’ve always there for Mikey.” “Not this time.” Spirit Brian said. “You couldn’t be there. You were so lost in your own world of pain and denial that you couldn’t help anyone not even yourself.” “I feel like an orphan.” Gus said turning Brian’s attention back to the scene in the loft. “Oh Baby.” Melanie said and cupped Gus’ cheek. “You’ll always have me. I may not be your dad or your birth mom, but I am your mom and I love you very much.” “Where’s Lindsay?” Brian asked. “Lindsay was diagnosed with cancer a little over a year ago.” Spirit Brian said. “She fought off the disease for awhile, but in the end she couldn’t stop it from ravishing her body.” “Oh my God. No.” Brian could barely breathe. “When she died, you withdrew even further.” Spirit Brian explained. “You had little or no contact with Gus in the last year of your life. You told Melanie once that it hurt to see Gus because it made you miss Lindsay all the more.” Spirit Brian looked back to Brian. “Consequently, Gus began to believe it was his fault you wouldn’t come see him. No matter how much Melanie tried to dissuade him, Gus was determined to think you didn’t love him because Lindsay dying was his fault.” “No.” Brian moaned. “What about Justin?” Spirit Brian motioned for Brian to follow him through another door. Brian felt as if he were on a movie set or on the set of a television show. Things that would normally be in different buildings or on other floor were set up side by side. As he followed his spirit self he found that he was in an apartment in another building. The room was small but cozy, homey. He saw a man sitting at a desk working on something. As they walked closer, Brian realized that it was Justin. “Justin.” He said softly. “Where are we?” “This is Justin’s apartment in New York City.” Spirit Brian said. “He moved to the art school at NYU after the break up. He was finally able to get financial aid. Once he became officially independent, he never looked back.” Spirit Brian explained. “He works as a graphic artist on a website for a department store now.” “Does he ever think about me?” “He tries not to.” Brian saw that Justin wasn’t really working on anything. He was leafing through a sketchbook. As he moved closer he saw that the sketchbook was one that Justin had had when he was living with Brian. Justin was leafing through all the sketches he had of Brian. Brian also saw tears in the younger man’s eyes. As Justin turned the pages of the sketchbook, Brian could see drawings of himself with Justin, with Gus, with Mikey and the others. It was odd seeing himself through the eyes of Justin. “Is he alone?” “For the most part.” Spirit Brian said. “You were his first true love and no one else could ever compare. No even the banjo player.” “Violin.” Brian corrected. “He shouldn’t be alone.” “Oh, he has plenty of bed partners, but nobody gets to stay. He seems to have taken your philosophy to heart.” “No, Justin hated that.” Brian countered. “He never wanted to do all those tricks. He’d never become like me.” “But he did.” “There has got to be a way to change this.” Brian pleaded. “I can’t let this happen. Not because of me.” Spirit Brian said nothing offering no solace. “There has to be a fucking way to change this.” He grabbed the spirit by the shirt and slammed him into the wall. “I can’t let this happen. It has to change. Can I change it?” “Perhaps.” Spirit Brian said disentangling himself from his counterpart and straightening his clothes. “But you could never do it. You can’t change. You’ve said it hundreds of times. Everyone believes you.” “I can change!” Brian shouted. “And I will.” Spirit Brian looked dubious. “Take me back. Take me back right now!” “As you wish.” Brian fell from his bed with a loud bang. He sat up and realized that he was back in his loft. In reality, he’d probably never left it. He heard movement in the hallway and ran to the door. He ripped it open and scared the crap out of the boy dropping a paper at his door. “What day is it?” Brian snapped. “Wha. . ?” “What day is it?” “It’s Christmas day.” The boy said staring at Brian as if he’d lost his mind. “Great!” Brian said with a huge smile. “I didn’t miss it.” He giggled as the paperboy looked shell shocked. “You okay, mister?” The paperboy asked. “No, I am better that okay. I’m grrrreat!” He dragged the boy into a hug then let him go. “You have to work Christmas?” “Yeah, they don’t deliver themselves.” “No, I guess they don’t.” Brian said with a laugh that was bordering on hysterical. “Wait.” He went to his jacket still hanging on the barstool. He pulled out a handful of money then went back to the door. “Here. A tip for you. Merry Christmas.” The boy disappeared down the stairs as quickly as he could go certain that Brian must have lost his mind. Meanwhile, Brian was busy dragging most of his clothes out of the closet. He’d look at any given piece of clothing and then discard it. He finally came across a red pullover and quickly pulled it on. He looked around several minutes before finding his jeans. He had buried them under several layers of clothing in his search for something to wear. Brian grabbed his leather jacket and his keys before heading out the loft and down the stairs. Once on the street, he realized just how early and how cold it was. The streets were still mostly dark, but that didn’t matter he had a lot to do. “So much to do.” He said under his breath as he climbed into his Jeep and pulled away from the curb. “So much to do.” He repeated then speed away. End Chapter 4