July 25th, 1863 Brian's POV Three weeks. It's been three long excruciating weeks. We received word on the 5th that the battle in Gettysburg had ended the previous day. Fifteen days after that we got the news; Justin Taylor – Missing In Action. My world stopped that day, and it hasn't restarted since. The world hasn't moved forward for 14 days. Jennifer stopped by to tell me as soon as she got word and once again I had to cover up the true depth of my feelings. She stayed for awhile seeking comfort from me; a task for which I am woefully unqualified. I know nothing about crying women or how to handle them. I felt relieved at first when she left, but then there was nothing left for me to feel other than the devastation of the news we received. That was fourteen days ago. Those fourteen days have gone by in a blur. It's funny how time moves differently now that the world has stopped. I go into town to work everyday and sit in the back in my office drinking more whiskey than the customers do. After the bar closes I usually stumble back to the house, although sometimes I just sleep in my office, and others I end up passing out along in my own front yard. I just don't care where I sleep these days. If Justin isn't at home in my bed why should I bother being there? Tonight I left work early and I've actually managed to make it home and remember the journey. I'm looking for another bottle of whiskey to help alleviate that problem when there is a knock on the door. I'm only mildly surprised to see Justin's mother when I open the door. She seems to stop by every couple of days like clockwork. I just turn and walk away leaving the door open for her. "I'll just let myself in I suppose. Brian you really need to work on your manners, and oh god" she sniffs in the air like a hunting hound "this place reeks!" With a chuckle I tell her, "Yeah, well I couldn't find the mop one day and never bothered to look for it again." "That isn't funny young man; you need to pull yourself, your business, and this place together." I find it funny how she seems to need to mother someone and since Justin isn't here she ends up mothering me. "Look, Jennifer, thanks for stopping by but I desperately need to find what I was looking for before you came in…" "What, another one of these?" She asks holding up an empty bottle of whiskey that was lying on the floor. "As a matter of fact, yes so now if you don't mind." I need to get her out of here soon; I can feel that blissful oblivion of drunkenness getting further and further from my grasp. I need that oblivion, I need that release. "I do mind Brian. And so would Justin. He wouldn't want you destroying yourself like this. I know my son means a lot to you," oh shit, what does she know "but I also know that he wouldn't want you acting like this no matter what's happened to him." I know she's right, of course I know she is but I'm just not sure how to pull myself together. I've been drinking so I don't have to think about him, I wonder if I took the opposite approach if it would make a difference. So I decide to do just that, to think about him and see where it leads. "You're right Jennifer, I'm sorry. Will you stay for a little while and talk to me?" Jennifer is the only other person who knows what I'm feeling even if she can't know why. I suppose we just have to lean on each other now. She stays for about an hour reminiscing about Justin's childhood days, and I tell her a few stories from the early days of our friendship. She finally has to leave because a storm is brewing outside and she needs to make it through the woods to her place before it starts to rain. After she's gone I sit for a few minutes staring at the whiskey bottle I finally found. I have a decision to make I suppose. If he is dead, or is never found then I need to know how I will live the rest of my life. I can lose myself forever into the bottle in front of me, or I can live my life with Justin – even if he isn't alive to live it. With my decision made I put the whiskey bottle back into the cabinet and go down to my bedroom to lie down. Lying down on the bed I start to think about when Justin lived here after he was hurt. I think about the first time he let me enter his body and how hot and tight he was. I slip my trousers over my hips and under my buttocks so they rest around my thighs. Grasping my semi-hard penis I begin to rub it to full erection while thinking of the first time with Justin. Remembering how he told me what he wanted that night I run my thumb over the tip of my penis spreading the moisture that has gathered there around the entire head. "Brian you wrote to me of having had physical pleasures with other men. I have not, but I want to. I want you. I don't know what to do; if you are willing I would like you to guide me. I want you to touch me Brian." Stiffening my tongue I probe into Justin's ass for the first time. He tenses but I leave the tip of my tongue just inside his entrance until it stops protesting my intrusion and lets me in a little more. Justin is gasping and moaning and I think he tried to say my name but it came out jumbled and incoherent. I pull out and let a mouthful of saliva drop onto his opening, then push it into him slowly to help ease the way. I work at his opening for several minutes. Pushing in a little further each time, making sure to push as much saliva in as I can and making his hole as slick as possible. I pull away and tell him to roll over. When he does I see a look of disappointment on his face and I can't help but smile. With a small kiss I tell him not to worry that I am not done yet. I gasp at the memory of tasting my lover for the first time and pull harder and faster on my cock. I lift his legs up onto my shoulders and settle in between his thighs. I spit on my hand, rub it up and down my cock mixing it with the moisture that was already there. One hand on his knee, the other holding my cock steady I slowly push into him. Just the head gets through that first tight ring of muscle; he gasps loudly and tenses up. I tell him to keep his legs up on my shoulders, freeing up my hands to rub his stomach soothingly. I clench my penis harder to simulate the tightness of Justin's ass that first time and feel my release impending. I feel Justin relax under me as I kiss him so I push a little further in. With each new thrust forward I pause, wait till he relaxes, kiss him, and then push again. Finally my entire cock is inside him and I have to sit still for a moment to take pleasure in his warm tight channel just hugging my cock. The walls of his anus are slowly caressing the sensitive nerve endings of my cock with every breath he takes. With one final kiss I feel Justin is relaxed enough, so I start to move. I pull out until just the head is inside him, and then slowly push back in. Again and again. Over and over. I keep withdrawing almost entirely and then pushing back in until I can sense the slow rhythm is driving us both insane so I speed up. As my speed increases I pull out less and less. Justin gasps every time my cock runs across his prostate. Finally I'm just jabbing into him as fast as I can, hitting that sensitive spot deep within him consistently, and then we are both shooting. Justin shoots all over my torso and I fill his ass with my semen. I collapse on top of him with my cock still buried deep and the feeling of my semen slowly leaking past my cock and out of his ass. My orgasm overtakes me as my memories flood my brain, and cause a few tears to trickle out of my eyes. I wipe the tears away with the knowledge that there is a chance that this is as close to Justin as I will ever get. Hearing a knock on the door, I roll my eyes and tuck myself back into my trousers. Walking to the door I prepare myself for another long discussion with Jennifer. I'm assuming that she didn't beat the rain and may end up spending quite some time here tonight, so with a lot less trepidation than previously I open the door to let her in.