Justin's POV 1 month gone When I left town so long ago I never dreamed this is what I would have returned to. My life here with Brian is a stark contrast to my life at war. Brian is a very calm person most of the time. I know he can get upset and when he does it tends to be fierce but he has taken my living here in stride. I can't tell but it's possible he enjoys it more than I do. Now that all the wounded men have vacated town Brian has his bar running like normal again. After my first week here I learned that the town is suffering financially from having many of the men off at war; Brian's business included. He spends his days at the bar running it primarily by himself since two of his employees left to join the Union army a few months ago. While he is at work I read everything I can find in Brian's collection and draw for as long as my arm will allow me. Each evening when Brian comes back we share a kiss so passionate I feel I will be swept away completely in the torrent of emotions. Eventually we each calm down again and have dinner. The nights are the best though. Brian brings more pleasure to my body than I ever thought was possible, and he occasionally lets me return the favor. Each night as I fall asleep next to him I can't help but wonder how I will ever readjust to life at war. This first month of recovery I have spent avoiding thoughts of my family. My mother came by once but I asked her to leave after only a few minutes and to wait for me to come to her next time. So as I sit here I'm trying to decide how to mend the rifts between my parents and myself, while maintaining both my secrecy and integrity. I'm quite certain now that I love Brian. Love him the way that I am supposed to love a woman. I know that no one, including my parents can ever know, but at the same time I won't pretend. I've decided the first step is to confront my father, but since I can't see him I will have to do it through a letter. So I've been sitting her for over an hour attempting to write and all that comes out are doodles of Brian's body parts. When I finally start writing the anger just seems to pour out of me through the pen and onto the paper. Father, I am writing to you from Burkittsville. I did what you wanted; I went off to fight your war. As a result I've been injured and may never be the same again. Not long after I went to war I realized a harsh truth. You had to send me, because you are too much of a coward to have handled this. The marches are long and arduous. We will camp in one place for too long of a time, and then be rushed off to another place to fight. More men die from disease than from battle. If this is truly what you wanted for your only son, then I pity you and your inability to care for your family. In two months time I will be going back to the war. Again this will not be my choice but rather an extension of yours. If we are ever in the same town again, I do not wish to speak to you or see you. You killed the already fragile bond between us when you chose your cause and your greed over your family. Goodbye, Justin Shortly after I finish my letter to my father I hear Brian's footsteps coming up the porch steps. I'm still amazed at the little butterflies I feel in my stomach just knowing he is about to walk in the door. I'm feeling particularly needy tonight, having just finished an emotional bloodletting, so I barely let him get the door closed before attacking his mouth. We kiss feverishly for several minutes, using our hands to explore each others bodies until we are both so turned on the idea of stopping to eat dinner like normal is ridiculous. Eventually Brian walks me backwards until the backs of my thighs hit the kitchen table. He lifts me up and lays me down on that table and I briefly think about how later we'll have to eat on this table but that only seems to excite me more. Brian quickly pulls off my pants and underwear, then promptly removes his own as well. He is too impatient to bother trying to take off our shirts – he just shoves mine up to expose my stomach and chest should he want to taste the skin found there. Dropping to his knees he quickly but efficiently opens me up with his tongue. I'm used to him preparing me this way when our lovemaking is hurried, it helps to ease the initial pain, but it can be done quickly. Before long he is back on his feet and pushing into me. I wrap my legs around his back locking my ankles and grasp his biceps in my hands for leverage. Brian wraps his hands under my shoulders and together we impale my body onto his hard shaft. I love when he fucks me gently and sweetly, but I crave it hard and fast sometimes. This is one of those times and he seems to be in the same frame of mind. His hold on my shoulders keeps me from sliding too far away on the table and helps him pull me back towards him with every thrust forward he makes. I'm so incredibly close to release that I'm just grunting incoherently, the feel of droplets of sweat dropping from his body onto my exposed torso sends me crashing over the edge. When I go, I take him with me; like always. A Week Later I've finally mustered up the courage to visit my childhood home and my mother. I was a little clingy with Brian this morning delaying his leaving for work, but he seemed to know that I needed the courage he could provide. "Justin!" I seriously consider turning and running at the overly cheerful tone of her voice, I know that tone is forced. "Hi." What can I say, hi is about all I can muster. "How are you feeling honey? How is your arm? Do you need anything? Are you ready to come home?" "Mom! Slow down. I'm fine. My arm is getting better everyday but I still have some trouble with it. I don't need anything and no I am not coming home." I'm actually a little surprised when I feel guilty about the look of disappointment on her face. "I understand Justin. Do you want to come in and talk for a little while?" I nod and we enter the house. I notice that the house needs some work, some repairs, just like I could tell the farm land did. "Mom is everything okay here?" "Well, it's hard without you and your father here. Also several of the slaves have run off. We just don't have enough hands to get everything done." "I'm sorry for you mom I really am. But there isn't much I can do to help right now. When Craig comes back though I'm sure things will get better for you." "I'm not sure I want him to come back." "What?" "Justin you above anyone knows how cruel and harsh your father can be. We may be struggling here but I am not missing the belittling or his coldness towards me. I miss you. I don't miss him." I smile slightly so she knows I heard her and I appreciate the comment. "I need to leave now mom, I need to get back to Brian's and work on dinner." "Justin, are you and Brian uh…. " does she know? "umm… well are you two getting along alright?" I breathe a sigh of relief and assume that she is just asking out of her motherly concern. "We're fine ma'. I'll see you again before I leave town. I promise." I kiss her on the cheek and make my way out of the house. Walking back towards the woods I run across Harold. Unwillingly images flash quickly in my mind, torn flesh, blood tricking, running, anguish, betrayal, cowardice. I close my eyes and will the images that haunt me away. When I reopen my eyes Harold is staring at me like he would a stranger. "Harold, are you….how….I mean….." sigh " how are you these days?" "I'm fine Justin. But then I didn't betray myself and my friends by fighting in a war I didn't believe in. So I guess the real question is how you are?" I swear he sneers a little while he says all this, and while he does say it my heart breaks a bit more. "Harold please try to understand. My mother gave me no choice. It was do as my father wanted or leave home." "It seems to me Justin that while you are taking your current break from doing what your father wanted you still aren't at home. So just maybe you had more of a choice than you would like to believe. More of a choice than say I do." With that he turns and walks away. I walk back to Brian's with my head hung in shame. I'm surprised to see Brian at home when I get there. He takes one look at my face and is across the room enveloping me in a tight hug in a moment. I want to be strong. I know he wants me to be strong, but I'm weak. I'm weak and I cry with my face buried in his chest. After a few minutes of quiet comfort he leads me into the bedroom and lays me down gently on the bed. He strips me slowly, tenderly, achingly; taking the time to kiss each area of newly exposed flesh. He worships my body gently and thoroughly bringing me to the brink of pleasure and over it twice before he allows himself the same release. He curls up behind me, holding me close to him. A whisper hits my ear, so soft I'm not sure I heard it correctly until he repeats himself, a little strong, a little bolder. "I love you." "I love you too Brian."