Author's Notes:
Thanks to KJ. Also a quick thanks to those who are reading Im glad that you are interested in this piece. Please do not fear Brians thoughts and feelings will be told soon I promise! My primary research site for this fic so far has been civilwarhome.com so I must thank the owner of that site for the very useful information, especially the letters from actual soliders at that time.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Awakening this morning all I can feel is sorrow. I know in the coming hours and days that fear and trepidation will take over, but for now it is just sorrow. Sorrow at the knowledge that I will be leaving this morning, without having said goodbye to Brian, and it is quite possible I shall never see him again.
Mother has told me that Mr. Pearson has just resigned from the US Army and will be putting together an enlistment paper for the Confederate Army. All I have to do now is go into town, sign a piece of paper, and my life will be forever changed.
When I get to the center of town, I see that about twenty other young men and boys from town are getting ready to enlist. Standing in line I feel eerily calm and resigned to my fate as a soldier. After I sign the enlistment paper stating my intent Mr. Pearson sends me over to see Doc Mimm for a medical examination. Not having realized this was going to be a part of the process, I suddenly find myself wishing that Doc will find something wrong.
Doc never has a wait so he has no anteroom to stand in; there is now a line of boys outside his office door waiting for their turn. While I wait in line I start to wonder what life will be like for me as a soldier. I really have no idea what to expect. I have rarely fired a musket and know nothing of warfare strategy. I'm honestly not sure what I have to offer other than an able body and an overly affectionate feeling towards the enemy.
Finally my turn with Doc has come and I am made to strip bare. Doc makes me jump up and down, bend over, kick and be kicked; he thumps my chest and my back soundly for what purpose I can not imagine. He also examines my teeth and my sight. I have never had to go through such a strange ordeal before, and naked the entire time! I feel thoroughly exposed and scandalized. After Doc has decided that I am fit enough for service he gives me a certificate saying so and sends me back to Mr. Pearson.
By early afternoon eighteen others and I are set out to Harpers Ferry. Mr. Pearson tells us that location is the closest confederate recruiting station to us since we are still a Union state. Perhaps the most difficult so far was watching the tear filled goodbyes most of my comrades shared with their family; while I had none to see me off. Mother had said she would be too busy looking after things at the farm to journey with me into town and I had no time to try and visit upon Brian again. We make our way with whatever possessions we deemed important enough to carry the distance.
It takes us two days march to get to Harpers Ferry and when we finally arrive we are weary beyond anything we ever knew before. There is a sense however of a necessity to endure and not complain. It seems universally understood that if we should complain, or show lack of courage that we will be ridiculed, teased, and despised as a baby. This made painfully obvious the first night of the journey when one of us complained about sleeping out in the still cold spring night air. Mr. Pearson proceeded to explain the ways of punishment that exist these days in the army. Such punishments I can't even imagine having to experience and do not wish to think upon any longer.
Entering the recruitment station we must all once again sign a paper indicating our purpose of intent; then when assigned to a company we sign the roll of the company. We are all assigned to Jackson's brigade as that is the only one currently enlisting men at this station. The roll also has each man's description, height, complexion, and occupation. We are then once again put through a physical examination by an army surgeon. This one would be just as humiliating as the last if we did not know what to expect.
We are now officially soldiers; given the uniform, boots, a heavy coat, cap, two large blankets and an oilcloth. This was added to the knapsack full of underwear, soap, towels, comb, brush, paper, envelopes, pens, ink, pencils, knife, fork, spoon, and a great many other small things. I cannot imagine carrying around all this for any length of time, weighing probably over twenty pounds; yet I also cannot imagine giving any of it up.
As members of Jackson's brigade we will be moving on from this border town soon and setting up a camp in Virginia awaiting our first orders. Jackson has divided us up into smaller groups of about ten men called a mess. Each mess has a large camp chest filled with: skillet, frying pan, coffee boiler, bucket for lard, coffee, salt, sugar, meal, flour, plates, cups, tents and an axe. These would be transported during marches in the large army wagons, but it all seems like such a large undertaking to me.
May 5, 1861
Dear Brian,
I regretfully must start this first letter with two apologies. I apologize for not saying goodbye before I left town, and I further apologize for not writing you sooner. Had I given you another chance I do not know whether you would have counseled me to stay or to go. Sadly, I felt my decision was made for me. Father sent word that he wished I would fight in his stead and so I shall.
I came to your house not long after I had left that last time to tell you I was leaving but your door was not open; at least not open to me. I will not ask why that is, I will only hope that it was a temporary deviation from the usual circumstances.
Camp life here is odd; much time is spent around the campfire at night sharing stories and being friendly with each other. Time is spent during the day with the more experienced soldiers and officers showing us new recruits the ways of combat and the means of war. It is a strange dichotomy that I'm sure I will puzzle over for quite some time.
Justin Taylor
Harper's Ferry Camp
Army of the Shenandoah
Jackson's Brigade 2nd Regiment
As I finish the letter I know it is cowardice to avoid the topic of the kiss Brian and I shared. The longer time goes by the more I wonder if it is really something of any importance at all. There was something so strange about it; yet it felt more suited to me than I think anything else ever has. I fear Brian will not feel the same, that it was only an action he began out of fear. Fear can drive a man to do great many things; it is currently driving me to avoid the topic of our brief intimacy and speak only of the mundane.
July 1, 1861
Brian it is a new month, and with that change I feel I am starting to become a new man. Two months have gone by since I left and I have learned from the older soldiers about courage; a lack of courage here will get you shunned and ridiculed. If only they knew how little courage I have shown when it comes to you. I must confess not writing for some time due to anxiety over your response.
I am speaking of course of our bit of intimacy when I last saw you. A kiss like that I have never shared with another person and I don't know if I ever shall again. Men speak of their wives or their girls back at home and I can only remain silent. It isn't until I spent a few nights here in the camp that I realized I, like you, seem to have no interest in women. I do not understand this. How can it be so? Am I correct in assuming you too have no interest in women or are you merely too picky for your own good?
I do not know a great many things Brian. I do not know how you feel about me. I do not know if I am allowed to feel for you what I do. I do not know what should happen to us if your feelings are not in accord with my own. I do not know if feeling this way about you is wrong.
I have heard before of men seeking pleasures from other men when no women are about. That is not what I want. To me you are not a replacement for another, you are the only one I can see myself seeking pleasure with. In fact you are the only one I can see myself sharing a life with. But can two men do that? Are they allowed? And if they are, would you want to?
I am troubled these days with thoughts of you and the fear of your response paralyzes me at times. We have had small skirmishes with some small union regiments but they are usually stumbled upon and not entered into deliberately. I fear when this war escalates that I will be too consumed with these questions of you that it will be a hazard to me.
So with a confused mind I write to you, hoping that you will write back. I pray you Brian, tell me how you feel; my very life may depend upon it.
Justin Taylor
Harper's Ferry Camp
Army of the Shenandoah
Jackson's Brigade 2nd Regiment
July 15, 1861
Dear Brian,
I hope my letters are finding you well. I have not gotten a reply, but none other in my mess have gotten letters from home yet so I will continue to wait.
We are now in Virginia; a place that didn't seem very far away before now seems like a whole other world. Tensions are rising steadily and the hopes of a short war are dwindling. Our days are spent marching with a great deal of equipment hefted onto our backs. The night campfires are still filled with camaraderie and the purest sentiments men can utter. The days however drone on until only pain and weariness are familiar. None of us complain for fear of contempt from the others though. I could not imagine having to endure the contempt of those around me on top of this already heavy load.
The small fights that our brigade has found have not been terrible, we have hardly lost ten men in all so far, and most of those were from illness in camp.
I pray all is well at home and that I hear from you soon.
Justin Taylor
Leesburg, VA
Army of the Shenandoah
Jackson's Brigade 2nd Regiment
********************************************************
Harper's Weekly July 22, 1861THE BATTLE AT BULL'S RUN THE FIRST MAJOR LAND BATTLE OF THE WAR
Public demand pushed General-in-Chief Winfield Scott to advance on the South before adequately training his untried troops. Scott ordered General Irvin McDowell to advance on Confederate troops stationed at Manassas Junction, Virginia. McDowell attacked on July 21, and was initially successful, but the introduction of Confederate reinforcements resulted in a Southern victory and a chaotic retreat toward Washington by federal troops.
********************************************************************
July 29, 1861
Dearest Brian,
I am writing to you with a heavy heart. Yesterday we were in quite a large battle with union troops here near the town of Manassas Virginia, running along a waterway called Bull Run.
I do not wish to alarm you as to the dangers that surround me but I do so need to turn to you in this time.
For the first time, I saw a man killed in battle. We were standing to arms awaiting orders. A shell plowed the crest of the elevation in front of our line, I ducked and as I did so I glanced back that way and witnessed its effect in the ranks. The body of a young fellow suddenly disappeared, and on the ground where he had stood was a confused mass of quivering limbs which subsequently lay still. I learned afterward the same shell carried away the top of a man's head in our own regiment.
Jackson has been nicknamed Stonewall Jackson and our Brigade was also given the title. When other regiments were faltering and attempting to withdraw General Jackson ordered us to hold our ground and the union troops were unable to break our line of defense. Following this success he has now been promoted to a Major General in the Army of the Potomac and our direction will likely change due to that.
Brian I shall write to you as often as possible even if I never receive a reply. I must request that you continue, as you have in the past, acting as my friend, my confidant, and my advisor.
Please bear the trials of war with me Brian. Without you I don't know if any part of the Justin you knew will survive.
Write soon.
Justin Taylor
Manassas, VA
Army of the Potomac
First Corps Jackson's Brigade