Author's Notes: Thanks KJ for your help with the last chapter! Thanks to “my girls”! Thanks for reviewing – every time you don’t review I kill a kitten. *grin* ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Justin's POV What a difference a day makes. As I leave the bar I can't help but think how different things were yesterday. Things were okay between Harold and me yesterday morning, and by the afternoon they weren't. Yesterday evening my parents knew nothing of my friendship with Brian or of my perceived betrayal of our way of life. And yesterday evening I laid safe and warm in Brian's bed and tonight I would not be welcome in his home. Dejectedly I walk back into the house, pausing only briefly to glance at my mother in the kitchen, and continue on to my room. I flop down gracelessly on my bed and try and think of how to fix the relationships with the three most important men in my life; my father, my childhood friend, and my…. The thought trails off as I try and figure out what exactly it is that I have with Brian. I have heard the rumors about him. The fact that he has never taken a wife and seems to have no interest in women has made him a source of scorn and ridicule in town. It doesn't stop all the men in town from patronizing his bar, or all the single women from lusting after him. What if those rumors are true? And what does that mean for me? I am disrupted from my thoughts by the sound of mother and father arguing loudly in another part of the house. Leaving my room, my childhood sanctuary, I follow the sound of the fight into the kitchen. "You are not going to Annapolis now! It is too dangerous." "Jennifer, I'm a statesman and I will be in Annapolis to vote on whether or not we should secede from the union." "No! You must stay here. It is too dangerous a time to be leaving your family alone." He looks directly at me as he replies, "what family?" Mother gasps and tears up, but she manages to look him in the eye and tell him "you are duty bound to support and protect this family! Leaving in a time of turmoil is not the best way to protect us." "What has happened?" I ask. "There was rioting in the streets of Baltimore last night." "I heard that earlier." By the look on my fathers face I'm pretty sure he knows who already told me of the riots. "Yes well, given that news I do not wish your Father to travel to Baltimore as planned. But he is determined to leave us anyway." "Let him leave Ma, he has work elsewhere and I can take care of things here while he is gone." I say all this while looking Father straight in the eye. Perhaps if I show a bit more responsibility around the farm it will help mend my relationship with him. "Son, that is the first intelligent thing I've heard you say in quite some time now. With the Union army marching through our cities and causing such disturbances, we'll surely vote for secession now." "You do what you have to do father, and I will too." What I have to do. What is it I have to do? I never thought at 17 life would become so monumental. It seems no matter what decision I make I will end up alienating someone important to me. So whom do I choose? How do I choose? My first instinct is to turn to Brian for advice, but I can't do that anymore. I have to go to him with a decision made. So I try and think logically. And when that doesn't work I try and think what Brian would do. The trouble is – I know what Brian would do. He would ignore his parents, he would ignore society and what was right; and he would do what felt good for him. I remember thinking a hundred times before that I wish I could be like that; so why can't I? I journey back towards town to visit Brian for what seems like the 20th time in the last day two days. My confidence increased considerably while I walked into town and now I am sure I can make Brian see things my way. Entering the bar again I scan the moderately sized room and realize Brian must be working in his office now. I open the door and stride right into his office without knocking. At the incredulous look he gives me I simply respond, "what? You said I wasn't welcome at your home. You said nothing about your office." I can't help but smile a little as I watch him struggle to keep his own smile at bay. It ends up looking more like a smirk, but that will do. "Listen Brian, I have a few things I want to say and you are going to hear me out. Understand?" He simply nods his head so I continue. "My family is important to me. I need for you to understand that. You are also very important to me. I hope you know that." "I do." "Good. Now I have stood up to my Father and expressed how I feel. You may want more than that. But that is all I can give at this time. It is all I am willing to give. I do not wish to drive my Father away." "And I do not wish to drive you away Justin. I just overreact sometimes. In truth, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he will find a way to turn you, to drive a wedge between us. And in doing so I will lose the only person who has ever really understood me." I step a little closer to him and lay my hand on his forearm. "We mustn't allow our friendship to become a casualty of this war Brian. No matter what my Father does or how the war goes. Agreed?" "Agreed." April 27, 1861 A week has gone by and unfortunately I have been so busy running the farm while Father is gone that I haven't been able to see Brian at all. Each day I foolishly hope that he will stop by our farm to see me, but I know that he never will. When Brian looks at the townsfolk all he sees are customers who will come in and spend their money. He has no friends in town other than me, and with the exception of some occasional trips to neighboring towns or the city he never goes anywhere. So as each day passes, I work hard at the farm to make Father proud. It is my plan to show him how much I have grown up and that he can count on my to help support the family even if I don't agree with him on some things. Things are also no better with Harold. He has taken to calling me sir or Master Justin like he would my Father. I truly do not know what, if anything, I can do to mend that relationship. I have made sure this week to lighten his workload while he still recovers from the injuries I helped to inflict. I hope this little measure will go a long way at some point. Father is due to return tomorrow or the day after and then I hope to return to my normal routine of visiting Brian nightly. But from now on I will not do it in secret. It is at that moment in my thoughts that my mother comes bursting into the barn. "They've arrested your Father!" she expels like it's the last breath of air she had in her. "What?!?" It takes her a moment to regain her breath and continue, "They've arrested your Father. He voted for secession. The vote failed, Maryland is still in the Union. But in light of the riots and the amount of confederate sympathizers there were in the state house, President Lincoln has declared martial law and arrested those that voted for secession." "They can't do that!" It comes out like a whisper but in my head it is a shriek of anger and fear. "Unfortunately they can honey. Its war time and they suspended Habeas Corpus." Sometimes it's infuriating having a mother who used to work for a lawyer. "What does that mean mother?!?" "It means they can arrest your father. And they really don't have to show a reason why. At this moment in our state; the government can do whatever it wants." My knees falter and I sink down to the floor; I briefly wonder at the fact that I stayed upright for so long. "What are we going to do mother?" "I'll tell you what you are going to do. You are going to join the confederate army and…" Suddenly on my feet again I am yelling at my mother, "I'm going to WHAT?" "Justin you must" she pleads "your father would want it, and you must keep our family's name from disgrace. What would the neighbors say if they hear that your father is in prison and you did nothing?" "I don't care what the neighbors think mother! I don't agree with Father when it comes to this war and you know it. You simply can't ask me to fight for the other side. You can't!" I storm out of the house and head directly into the woods towards Brian's house. As I approach the house I realize I have worked myself into a panicked frenzy. Stepping onto the front porch I take a few deep breaths and knock on the door. Knocking feels strange, it feels wrong, but given the events of last week I feel it best to knock and have Brian let me back in on his own terms. I hear his voice call out to me from the other side of the door telling me to come on in, so I once again enter the house I feel is my safe haven. As I cross the threshold I can't help but realize there is no way to keep me safe from this. He looks at me and I look at him. We stare across the room at each other for what seems like hours. Finally sensing something is wrong he breaks first and starts talking. "What's wrong Justin? Come sit down. You look stricken." I don't know how to begin. I don't know what to say or how to tell him what it is my familial obligations would make me do. I consider asking him to hide me here until the war is over, but I know I can't do that to Mother. "What?" He demands and I can sense he is getting impatient, but also worried. "Father was arrested. We are under a state of martial law." "What in hell was he arrested for?" "For voting for secession. It lost. We are still a union state." "Well that's good at least. But I don't understand. Why arrest your Father?" "They have apparently arrested groups of men they think are confederate sympathizers. Brian…" This time he is silent. He waits while I try and find the words. I think he waits silently out of fear for what I am about to say. "Mother wants me to join the army." "Justin that's not going to happen. She needs you now. She needs you more than Lincoln does. He can find some other boys to have in his army." With a sigh I shatter the little fantasy he has going; "Not that army; the other one. The confederate one." He just stares at me with his jaw dropped for a few moments. "Brian what should I do? My father has been arrested for no reason. My mother thinks he would want me to fight for his beliefs and his honor. Brian what do I do? I do not want to fight in this war at all, and I certainly don't want to fight for the confederacy." "Justin I am the wrong person to ask. I would hide you here if I thought you would let me. I don't want you to go. I want you around for a long time…. I…" He just stares at me for a minute, some emotion dancing in his eyes that I cannot decipher. I start wondering if I should leave, if he will find a way to say anymore when I notice that his face is moving slowly closer to mine. As if drawn to him, like a moth to a flame, I lean towards him and I'm shocked to find I'm not shocked when our lips meet. Tentatively at first I taste him, its really just two sets of lips touching, then he parts his lips every so slightly and ever so slowly and begins to actively kiss me. My mind is reeling but my body is responding. I lean a little closer and part my lips a bit. I feel his tongue come out and lick my lips slightly. Wondering what he would taste like if I allowed myself a longer and deeper taste I too bring my tongue into our kiss. I've never kissed anyone in such a way before. Our tongues are dancing together, wrestling with each other and when they get a chance lips are pulling and nipping at each other. I don't know how long we explore each other's mouths. I don't know what it means. But when we finally break apart I do know that I have to go. "I….. I have to go." I bolt out the front door not even bothering to close it behind me and I don't slow down until I've hit the tree line of the woods. I walk numbly home. I cannot process the things that have just taken place. My father is in jail. My mother wants to send me to war. And Brian….well Brian wants….I have no idea what Brian wants, but I get the sense that what he might want is me. I just cannot think about it now. Tomorrow. Maybe I will be able to think tomorrow. Returning home once again my mind is brought away from Brian and back to my mothers' request. How can I tell her no? I want to; no I need to tell her no, but how? I spot a message on the kitchen table. Picking it up I recognize my Fathers' handwriting and I instantly regret looking at it. He has managed to get a message out through one of his powerful friends; and in doing so is once again ordering me around. "Justin you must go. You must join General Lee's army of northern Virginia. You must fight for what is right Justin. Do this, for me." I look up to see Mother looking at me expectantly. "Do as he requests Justin. It is war and if you are not with us, you are against us." "Mother." "No Justin. You will either do as your Father and I ask or you won't. But either way you will be leaving this house. A few other boys in town are gathering their things together. They are going to make their way into Virginia and then join Lee's army. They are setting to leave at daybreak tomorrow morning." With that she walks out the door, and I fleetingly wonder if I should ever see her again. I'm just 17. I am not prepared to have my parents disavow me. I'm simply not ready for any of this. I have heard tell of boys even younger than I joining these armies, so what makes me so special? What makes me think I could live in a bubble here and not be truly affected by this war? With a heavy heart I spend most of the night packing up a small parcel of things I want to have with me. I grab the last small bundle of paper that I have so that I may write or draw along the journey. I really have no idea what to pack, I have no idea what to expect. All packed I can only think of one more thing I need to do before I leave town. I must see Brian one last time and tell him I am going. I know he will be disappointed, but I hope he will understand. As I stand on his porch again I can feel my lips tingling with the remembrance of our heated kiss just a few short hours ago. I start to wonder if we shall kiss again before I go. I'm puzzled to realize I am actually yearning to touch my lips to his again. A few moments are spent day dreaming of kissing his plump raspberry lips before I realize there was no answer at the door. Perhaps he did not hear me; I think it surely is okay if I let myself in again, especially after this afternoons' activity. I reach for the knob and something in side me breaks when it will not turn. He has locked it.