AN: Thanks to KJ for agreeing to beta for me again. And thanks in advanced for reading everyone! Oh by the way – I’ve never attempted a song fic before – so I hope this goes okay. If you want to listen to this song it is currently the song playing on the band’s website http://www.emersondrive.com/ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I was coming to the end of a long long walk, When a man crawled out of a cardboard box Uunder the E street bridge, Followed me onto it.
"Gay? How the fuck can you be gay? Get out! Now!" That was my wife's reaction when I came out to her last week. My mother's was worse, not that I expected any different. Now I find myself at the end of a lifelong journey. I fought my feelings and desires for as long as I could, with only the occasional sordid tryst in a dark alley or stairwell. Now that I've finally come out to those closest to me I've lost them; just like I knew I would. I had to tell them I was gay though. I was so tired of living a lie; leading a double life. I do love my wife, and I know she loves me, I just couldn’t keep her in a marriage that my heart wasn’t really in anymore. But perhaps they are right, perhaps ignorance really is bliss and she would have preferred not to know. Would that have been right though? To force her to live a lie without her even knowing it was one? I just don’t know anymore. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. So what do I have left? I've got my newly admitted sexuality, but I don't have the courage to take the next step. I've got my career, but that doesn't keep a man warm at night. And I've got family; a family that wants nothing to do with me. I had been hoping that this would just be the beginning of a new life for me, and for my family. Now I’m just not sure, I know I don’t have the strength to do this alone. I've been staying at a hotel down the road from my office, and tonight it felt like the walls were closing in, so I left the hotel with no destination in mind just trying to escape my own life. I've been walking around the riverfront area for about 3 hours now. I wish I had stopped to get my gloves and scarf from the bedroom when she kicked me out of the house. My hands and feet went numb long ago, but truthfully I think my heart was the first to go. About an hour into tonight's walk I began thinking about how much easier everyone's life would be if I wasn't around. I kept trying to think of a person who would care if I was gone, but everyone I thought of had implied recently that they wanted me gone. If that's what they all wanted who was I to deny them that wish? I had been disappointing my parents my entire life, this was just the icing on the cake. I wonder if mother already knew somehow. I tried to be what she wanted me to be. I went to church until I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy anymore. I got married like she wanted me to. I have a successful career and gave them money whenever they needed it, and yet she has always looked down her nose at me. Despite everything I tried to accomplish to show them I was a good son, they never once told me they were proud of me. My wife was hysterical and told me that I ruined her life. She started spouting some crap about how no one else would be with her now, that I had shamed her in the face of our friends and my clients. If all that is true then what good am I really doing here? Around hour two I started plotting my very short future. There are several bridges across the river, and even if I survived the fall, I would never survive the chilly waters. I tried to think of reasons not to do it, but each thought ended the same. There is no reason to live anymore. I am living a shame, that part of my life is over now, and I don't think I can start over without at least one person's support. Short of that I see no reason for being anymore. I can’t handle any of this on my own. I knew people would be upset, but I didn’t think they would shut me out completely. I am not strong enough to live a life alone, and I am not strong enough to start over without any support. If only someone could have shown some compassion, but I guess there is no use in wishing anymore. Now hour three is upon me and I can see the E street bridge up ahead.
I went out halfway across With that homeless shadow tagging along So I dug for some change Wouldn't need it anyway He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
I could see the homeless men and women huddled around trashcan fires under the bridge as I got nearer to it. I couldn't help but think that at least they had friends and family with them. As I passed by the homeless a man looked up from where he was sitting on the ground and we met eyes briefly. I hung my head in shame and continued to walk on to the bridge. As I made my way to the center of the bridge I could feel someone following me. I instinctively knew it was the man I had seen on the ground at the foot of the bridge. I dug for some change in my pocket, thinking that I wouldn't need it anyway. I was wishing I had grabbed my wallet when I left the hotel room. All I had on me to give was a little loose change and my hotel room key. I briefly considered giving him the hotel room key, he could get cleaned up and a decent night's sleep before they discovered I wasn't coming back. When I got to what I felt was the right stopping point I turned around and his eyes lifted slowly to meet mine. I offered him the change, and he took it looking just a bit ashamed. I knew how he felt. That's when he started to speak, and what he had to say changed my life.
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way I've had my moments, days in the sun Moments I was second to none Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
“Life certainly doesn’t turn out the way you thought it would.” He said in a voice that was haggard from too little use. “I never thought I would be sleeping on the streets and begging to survive. I wasn’t always like this you know. I had a life once. Actually I guess I’ve had several lives now.” I just smile slightly and nod, because frankly I don’t know what to say, but I don’t want him to stop talking. “I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone now, thanks for the change.” “No!” I say a bit too vehemently. “I mean, no you don’t have to leave me alone, I’ve been walking for awhile so it’s nice to have someone to talk to.” He just gives me a small smile and nods back. I know he can’t possibly understand, but at the moment he is the only think holding me to this planet – and I guess I need a few more minutes before I am ready to let go.
Like that plane ride coming home from the war That summer my son was born And memories like a coat so warm A cold wind can't get through Lookin' at me now you might not know it But I've had my moments
“Like I said I’ve had several lives. When I was a young man I got drafted and send off to Vietnam. I never thought I would make it through that, but I did. Coming home was one of those moments when you just have to sit back and ponder your own accomplishment. That time during the war was one lifetime of its own.” “After I came back, I moved to New York City to live my new life. It was a crazy time, lots of clubs, lots of drugs. Sometimes I thought that life was going to kill me more so than I thought the war would. But it never did; not yet anyway.” “I moved back here to Pittsburg after a few years to help my sister raise her son. She was a single mom so I thought of him as my son as well. She had him one summer when I was at war, but as he got older she needed more help. That was another one of those moments when I did what I thought I could never do. I had never imagined being a parent, so when she asked me for help I wanted to say no. I wanted to stay in New York and continue living my fabulous life. But I didn’t, I came home and helped her for a few years, before I had to leave again.”
I stood there tryin' to find my nerve Wondering if a single soul on Earth Would care at all Miss me when I'm gone
I couldn’t help but think that at least he had had family, and some happy times. I’m standing here in expensive clothing, will a generous amount of money in my bank account, but I’m wishing for just a moment that I could be this homeless man. This man that seemed to live the life he wanted to. He was forced into a bad situation, much like I was, but when that was done he was able to move on and live life the way he wanted too; if only for a short time. Would they miss me? Would they wish they had handled things differently? Would they be happy I was gone, and that I hadn’t changed my will?
That old man just kept hanging around Lookin' at me, lookin' down I think he recognized That look in my eyes Standing with him there I felt ashamed I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way
“You know there are options.” He said. “Options?” “Alternatives. To what you are planning.” That’s when I started thinking about it again, or rather rethinking it. I haven’t always felt this way, so why now? I’ve had things to look forward to before. I felt alone most of my childhood, but then I found a great friend who later became my wife. So why couldn’t that happen again this time? Whose to say I might not meet some great guy. And if there is a guy out there meant for me, and I carried through with this plan, what would happen to him? I looked him in the eye a moment before I lowered my head in shame. Then I thought if he could tell me his story, then why can’t I tell him mine? Wasn’t I hoping earlier that just one someone would care? Well he is still here, so maybe he does. And that is good enough.
I've had my moments, days in the sun Moments I was second to none Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do Like the day I walked away from the wine For a woman who became my wife And a love that, when it was right, Could always see me through Lookin' at me now you might not know it But I've had my moments
“I guess I’ve had those moments too. One of them just recently, it’s what brought me to this place. But before that I had a good moment or two.” “Just a moment or two?” “Yeah I guess I haven’t really lived much yet, just been going through the motions. But I did have a nice life with my wife. It wasn’t perfect, but it was stable, and it was safe. We met in college. I wasn’t looking for a relationship; it really started out as friendship. I’m honestly not sure how I ended up asking her to marry me, I guess it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Plus it made her happy.” “When we met I was partying way too hard, trying to drown all the unhappy moments out with liquor instead of with happy times.” “I never would have gotten my act together and graduated if it wasn’t for her. She helped me learn to moderate the drinking so that I could still function, and I ended up doing more than functioning, I thrived. At least in the business world. I opened my own business and it became quite successful after just a few short years of paying my dues.” “So yeah I guess I’ve had my moments too.” “So what changed?” “I’m gay.” I’m expecting him to basically run away when I say this, but he doesn’t he just smiles a little and tells me, “So am I.” “So I ask again what changed? Because weren’t you always gay?” “Yes I was. But I had never admitted it before. I told my wife and she threw me out. I told my mother and she condemned me to hell.” “When was this?” “About a week ago.” “Christ! Give your wife some time. If she’s as good a friend as you’ve said, then she’ll adjust. You just have to give her a little time.” “I’m not sure.” “Trust me. People come around, at least those that really loved you in the first place. Give her space, and in the meantime you need to start living again.” “How do I do that? I’m not like you I can’t just pick up and start a new ‘life’ all the time.” “You start by going down to Liberty Avenue. Where you go from there I’m not sure, but you’ll find your way.” I look back over the railing of the bridge at the icy water below, then back at this homeless man who is offering me a life preserver. Looking into his eyes I start to feel hope blossom for the first time in awhile, and I think I’ll take the out he’s giving me. I just nod at him and start to walk back down to the entrance of the bridge. As I’m walking away I hear him say, “Oh by the way, I’m Vic.” I turn to look at him one last time and simply say, “Brian.”