Authors Note: I am posting this chapter un-beta’d. So please blame me for all mistakes. Thanks all for reading along. This is still told completely in Brian’s POV.



It’s been one week since the prom. Six days since Justin woke up and I told him how I felt. We have not talked about what ‘later’ will bring. I know partly what I want later to bring. But can I do it? So far I have mostly lived my life in fear — and now I am more afraid than I have ever been. I’ve been at the hospital every night since he woke up. Every night I climb into bed with him and he never brings up what we talked about. Is it possible that he is just as afraid of the future as I am?

I’m heading towards the hospital. I stayed at work later than I have been this week. I drove Cynthia nuts by finding the smallest tasks for her to do. Anything to put off for a little while longer what I know I have to do. I’m even glad every time I have to stop at a light. I need to ask Justin what I never thought I would ask anyone. But what will he say? Fuck! I hate this doubt shit. Fuck it. I’m Brian Kinney — if he turns me down it’s his loss. Yeah right, if only I really believed that shit.

Maybe I should stop by the liquor store that is conveniently across the street from the hospital; buy some liquid courage. No! You need to do this sober. Damn it Justin I thought I told you to get out of my fucking head!

Somehow I managed to get out of the car and walk into the hospital. Everyone is so used to seeing me here now they don’t even question me as I walk towards Justin’s room. I hear Jennifer’s voice coming from the room. Every other night I’ve beaten her here and she has been forced to talk to Justin while I lay next to him holding him. I myself find it strange how clingy I’ve become. You almost lost him — is the thought that keeps going through my head. Don’t waste another second is the other thought that is driving me crazy. I suppose I will never be ‘me’ again. I suppose I will just have to learn to live with these thoughts and his damn voice in my head. Well at least I can still pretend to be an ass in front of most people, including the ‘mother-in-law’. Mask in place — here I go.

“Hi Jennifer. So Justin what should we do on your last night in the hospital?” Yes that smirk I’m giving you means I expect to get some tonight. Oh shit — did Jennifer just recognize that look?

“Hello Brian.”

“Hey. I’m sure between the two of us something will come up.” Holy fuck did he just say that in front of his mother. Is she laughing about it? Did I just fucking step into the twilight zone? So far this night is not turning out the way I had planned. That seems to be happening a lot lately. And we all know whom we can blame for that — Justin. Little shit. But god is he a hot little shit. 

“I’m sure it will. Are they still releasing you tomorrow?” Safe territory.

He laughs. He fucking laughs. He knows why I changed the subject. How did he get the upper hand so easily?

“Yeah I bust out tomorrow, but I still have to come back once a week for therapy.”

“I always thought a little therapy would do you some good.” Ha! Two can play his little game.

Two hours and 14 minutes. I counted. Jennifer stayed, I tried to pay attention to conversation and be pleasant. I actually watched the clock. Two hours and 14 minutes. Two hours and 14 minutes to think about what to say and how to say it. Two fucking hours and it still didn’t help. Now Jennifer is gone and I realize that if I had engaged her in conversation I could have put this off longer. God I’m an idiot.

“Brian? What’s wrong” I look over at him, having climbed into bed with him while Jennifer was still here. Screw her if she doesn’t want the visual I needed to be close to him. There I go again with those sick lesbian-like thoughts. Ick. 

“I want you to move in.” Oh smooth Kinney real smooth. Just blurt it out. Where did your presentation skills go exactly? Shit. He didn’t say yes right way. Fuck! Okay look at him, no not his shoulder idiot his face, look at his face. Well he’s smiling that has to be good right? Right?

“I would love to move in Brian.” Yippee! Did I just think Yippee? Thank god I didn’t say it. I need to get a tighter grip on my horses here. “I just have one condition.” Condition? He has a condition? What happened to the boy that would have settled for whatever scraps of affection I gave him? Damn it. I wanted him to grow up and be the best homosexual he could be and what happened? I created a monster that has conditions.

“You need to stop tricking.” Okay even I heard my jaw just hit the floor. He wants me to do what? Is he fucking nuts? It never even occurred to me that I’d have to give up tricking. Shit. I don’t know if I can do this.

“Brian. Brian!” 

“Fuck Justin don’t scream. I’m listening.”

“Brian, I can be with you as we have been. But if you want more — you need to give more.”

So get what I want but give up something else I have always needed — or keep that which I’ve always needed but lose what I want. Fuck! Why didn’t I stop at the liquor store? I wonder if Justin would notice if I snuck out of bed to get some Jim Beam.

“Brian go to sleep. Go to sleep. You can think about it tomorrow. Tonight just sleep.”

Well for the moment I will do what he is telling me to do, but he better realize that won’t be becoming a habit.

No tricking. No tricking? No tricking?!? I think that bat did some serious damage to the poor kids head if he thinks I am giving that up for him. But I want him to move in. Hell I might need him to move in. But can I give up other men? 

Sleep. He told me to sleep. I think I was but then the little shit was snoring. Well it is kind of cute. So now I am lying here thinking about sex. Well that’s not new. But thinking about less sex, or at least less anonymous sex. That is new.

Oh my fucking god. I haven’t had sex in a week. What the fuck? How did I go a whole week without sex? I mean Justin wasn’t really up to it. But that shouldn’t have meant less sex for me. Should it? I was here with him every night. Is this what it would be like if he moved in? Sex would depend on his availability and desire. What would that be like?

“Brian go back to sleep.” Little shit.

He’s been awake for 5 minutes now. I’ve been awake for 45 minutes now. Yes here we lie pretending not to know the other is awake. I wonder if we will still be pretending when Jennifer shows up to take him home. But maybe I will be taking him home - our home.

“Brian tell me. I can handle it either way; let’s just get the conversation over with before my mother gets here.”

“I don’t know what to say Justin. I never expected your condition. Or for you to even have a condition.”

“You just expected me to go along with whatever you wanted. I’m no longer a child Brian you can’t expect me to just do whatever you want on your timeline. If we live together you have to start treating me like an equal.”

“You are expecting a lot.” Whoops guess he didn’t think that was funny. Fuck truth time.

“Justin” Come on you can do it — just say it!

“Justin, I haven’t had sex since my birthday. I haven’t had sex since you got hurt. I was too concerned about you to even think about it. I guess I care more about you than I do sex. Odd. I never thought that would happen. But I still can’t promise what you want. I can only promise to try. But I hope you can remember that I am who I am. I might screw up. Can you live with that? Can you live with me?”