Cause nothing is real, this is how I feel
And nothing is good,
but I don’t mind being blind
If you don’t mind doing time
Train-Blind
It wasn’t really a choice I made. Hell, it wasn’t even my choice to begin with. I just let it happen, cause I knew that nothing that I said or did could change the moment. ‘The moment’ I let it show like it was something special. In a way it was, you know. I mean in that moment I saw the real face of Ethan and I saw my own face for the first time. A scared little boy. That is what I was and I don’t expect to change now. This will hunt me for the rest of my life. Thinking about it. Crying about it. But right now, I don’t want to think about it. When I shut my eyes or even just do nothing, I do think about it. A bad memory that doesn’t want to fade away. Cause I won’t let it.
--------------------
After Ethan fu…raped me, he let me loose cause he fell asleep 10 minutes later. I slipped out of the bed very quietly and I slipped my pants back on and headed out of the door. And here I am, still at the dinner. Still in front of the mirror.
I blow my nose and step silently forward. I slide into the booth closest to me and just sit there. Sit there waiting for him to come. Brian and the guys still didn’t see me. It’s like I don’t want him to see me, but then again I want him to take me away with him, far away from here and Ethan, while being in his arms all that time, just me and him. That is just a delusional thought.
Kikki comes up to me to ask what I want. What do I want, where do I start? “ Just water. That’ll be fine.” I say. She gives me a nod and a couple of moments later she is back with my water.
” You know, whateva happened to you hun, you can stop it.” She started talking and I didn’t realize it.
”What?” I ask dumbfounded. She comes closer to me and whispers in my ear.
”You have a hand and a fistprint on your cheek. You are shaking like a leaf and you have been crying. Justin, do I need to go on?
”No, you don’t leave me alone ok, it’s not your business.” I whisper back.
She shakes her head. “If you stay where you are, you will self-destruct. Shouldn’y you say something to Brian?”
”Shut up!!!” I yell. The whole dinner is watching me, including Brian. I see something has changed in his eyes as soon as he sees me. But I can’t make out if it a good thing or a bad thing, cause I never saw it before. He raises an eyebrow at me. I shake my head again and pass through Kikki. I hear the bell ring again and I feel it. He’s here and he is looking at me with that devilish grin. The dinner is moving again, they never heard anything. I look around me trying to find support, but they all keep talking and eating. They didn’t know what happened and I don’t want them to find out. But I do want to tell them.
I’m frozen to the floor again. His control over me is so big, that I don’t have the power or the energy to stop it. He comes up to me and we are face to face now. I know Brian is watching from the corner of his eye. Ethan lays his hand on my arm and I totally forget about Brian, I really do. I know Brian, Ben and Kikki are the only ones watching but I forget them. It’s just Ethan and me for the moment. I don’t see them anymore, I just see what happened 2 hours before this. I only see the both of us, that’s all I see.
”Justin…why did you run off like that? Didn’t you like it?” AAAAH, I want to scream that that question is bullshit. This isn’t right, this whole fucked up situation isn’t right. He wants to play it nice.
”I asked you a question.” He stares at me and I stare back. Still having a face that says nothing at all. It’s like I am completely numb, but on the inside I am screaming and running.
He pulls my arm. I can’t count the times he has yanked at my arm tonight. I still don’t move or talk.
” Come with me now, so we can talk.” Talk? Talk about what? About what a pussy I am or about what an asshole you are?
He leans forward and kisses me in front of the diner, in front of…Brian. Shit, Brian, I look over at him and he changes positions, so I wouldn’t see he was watching us or me. Ethan follows my gaze and he turns angry. He doesn’t show it, but I feel the heat of his body and it goes warmer and warmer.
--------------------
Brian’s POV
What are they doing? I have been looking at them for the past 10 minutes and something is off here. And I can’t help but notice that Justin looks like shit for the moment. His beautiful blue eyes are so much lighter and I can tell he’s been crying. But I don’t care, he is with Ian now. Whatever his problem is, it isn’t that the fiddler can handle. I see Justin look over to me and I feel like a dear caught in the headlights. I grab my cup of coffee, so it would seem I wasn’t peeking through my eyelashes. But I was. I can lie about that to them, but not to myself.
”Why are you looking at him?” I hear Ethan say. Who me?
” I wasn’t Ethan.” That’s the first time I hear him speak tonight besides the shut-up to Kikki.
”Shut up Justin.” Oh there is where he got that. There is something off between them. I wonder if they had a fight or something. But who am I to interfere, so I don’t.
I see Ethan drag Justin outside by his hand. When they pass my booth, Justin is looking at me, directly into my eyes. And fuck me, I see something that I didn’t see before. He has a bruise on his cheek. I hope he didn’t walk into Hobbs again.