“I have to leave.”  John didn’t know how long it had taken him to be able to utter the words to the man lying beside him but, he did know it was getting late and he was worried about Justin.  Surely he would have called his cell by now.  John was in the process of bending down to retrieve it when Nicolei spoke.    

“But, you just got here.”  John clenched his jaw and pulled his crumpled jeans to him, there in was his cell phone.  No missed calls.  No messages from the exhausted blond he left at home.  Nothing.  John furrowed his brow, already wondering if something happened to Justin.

“Nicolei, I have to go.”  John’s words were cold and Nicolei had not had any experience in dealing with this type of John.  He was confused when the man left the bed, picking up his clothes that had been scattered around the room.  “Johnny?”  It was a ploy, very rarely had Nicolei used the nickname for John, except when he needed it to pull the other man back to him.  He needed it now.  John shot him a look showing how much he appreciated the effort to trap him back in bed with the older man.

“I told you Nicolei, I’ve got to fucking go.”  John growled out the last part, pulling his T-shirt over his head.  Nicolei finally pulled himself up into a sitting position, swinging his long legs over the side of the bed, turning his head to watch John’s erratic movements around the hotel bedroom.

“I don’t understand this, John.  What?  You have someone waiting for you?”  Nicolei laughed, reaching onto the bedside table for his cigarettes.

“Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”  John watched him closely as he put the sweet smelling cigarette to his mouth, its smell permeating through the room when lit.  John would always associate that smell to Nic, no Nicolei, and never Nic again.  Every time he caught scent of the unmistakable aroma of hand rolled French cigarettes, his mind would involuntarily take him back to hot, fresh Parisian nights in the middle of summer, when Nicolei didn’t turn on the air conditioning and they would lie on pillows, making love in the cool breeze.  He watched the man for a moment more, waiting.  For what he was waiting for, he didn’t know.

Nicolei gauged his reaction to the news well and John had no idea what was racing through his mind.  He was surprised, to say the very least.  But, on some level he knew that this would happen eventually.  He had been through enough lovers than he would care to admit in his life, women and men, old and young and every other difference.  Why had the fates put him on this planet if they had not wanted him to taste everything?  But, John had always been his favorite.  Always someone he came back to.  That welcomed him back.  It was the natural course of things for John to find his own attentive, caring lover.  Something that Nicolei could not provide for him now and was not sure he could ever provide for him.  John had moved on.  But, Nicolei arched a brow at that, considering where John was and what they had just done.

“Well, John, what are you doing here then?”  Nicolei turned around to face the man, already dressed and ready to leave.  

“I told you – I’ve got to-” He waved his hand to stop John’s answer, nodding his head in agreement to what John had already told him – several times.

“Yes, yes, you’ve got to go.  Get back to the little hubby-” He pointed the cigarette toward John’s ringed finger.  “But why where you here to begin with John?”  He looked intently at John, waiting for his answer.

“You called.  I wanted – I needed closure.”  John’s eyebrows came together, wondering where the older man was going with this.  

“John.” He laughed, the strange sound filling the room for a moment, before the silence came back.  Nicolei’s face became serious once more.  “Aren’t you married?  Don’t you take the sacred vows seriously?  No wonder they won’t let queers marry – see what becomes of us, see what-” John waved his hand angrily, stopping the flow of words that came from Nicolei’s mouth.

“Shut the hell up, Nic!  You don’t know anything, not about Justin and I, and sure as hell not about marriage.  You were the one that kept fucking around.”  Nic laughed again but there was no delight there, just harsh cold reality.

“And so did you John.  Don’t paint yourself to be the martyr in our relationship.  You knew about my infidelities as I knew about yours.  It was a double-edged sword and you couldn’t fucking take it.  Tell me John, does this lover of yours know about your infidelities now?”  

John stared at him for a moment.  A thousand images flowed in his mind.  Happy times with this man, when neither had a care in the world and horrible times with this man, when all either one of them wanted to do was kill the other.  But, underneath all of that, the good and the bad, there was love.  John had loved him, and Nicolei had returned that love.  John rubbed his hand over his eyes, the platinum band subdued in the low light of the bedroom.  He stood up a little straighter.  They were over.  This was over.

“Goodbye, Nicolei.”  There was a tone of finality in his message, a tone that Nicolei did not overlook.  Sadness overcame him as John turned around, in essence walking away from Nicolei indefinitely.  This was it.  They were over.

When he heard the front door slam shut, ending that chapter of his life, Nicolei crushed the cigarette in the ashtray.  He sat in the quiet hotel room, wrapped in a single sheet, thinking that Paris would be nice this time of year.  


“Well, now that you’ve kidnapped me, aren’t you at least going to feed me?”  Justin sat down heavily on one of the bar stools, looking down to button up his shirt.  Brian looked at him, astounded that after twenty minutes of absolute silence in the bathroom that he was going to say something now, about food of all things.  Maybe it wasn’t that surprising.  He turned around, looking in the refrigerator and groaning at what he saw there.  Two lemons, enough alcohol to induce a comatose state, and guava juice.  Nothing that Justin would find nutritious.  He heard a soft laugh from behind him.

“What was I thinking?  You practically live on carry out.  Can I just get a cup of coffee?  I’m sure you’ve got that.”  Justin finished buttoning his shirt and folded his hands on top of the counter, looking at Brian intently.  Brian smirked, it seemed the young man had finally gathered his wits about him and was now taking control of the situation.  Brian shook his head, already moving over to fix the blond’s coffee.

“You better take advantage of this.  I usually don’t wait on people.”  He heard a small laugh again, and he had to fight the grin that was threatening to come over his face.

“Yeah, I recall.”  As much as he had feared the conversation that would be following them, to Brian it wasn’t going half bad.  Easy banter, nothing serious, well, not yet.  He could handle this.  But, he had to find a way to breach the subject of Justin not returning to that psycho that he lived with.  As he stirred the coffee he thought of several ways to keep Justin there, hell even living with his Mom or Deb would be a better solution.  Maybe he could call Jennifer, as much as he hated the idea.  But extreme times call for extreme measures.  The damage on Justin’s back clearly showed just how things were going at that Bonheim residence.  Brian’s body reluctantly tensed with his mind’s ramblings but, he continued on.  In his experience it could possibly be just a stepping-stone for that crazy asshole, how much further would Justin have to push him for him to really hurt him?  More than he already had.  How much more could he take?

“I am going back, Brian.”  He had forgotten how good Justin was at reading people and how good Justin’s talent was for getting into dangerous situations.  He shook his head, smiling at the young man’s resistance.  He set the coffee down in front of the blonde, his hand gripping the cup firmly. 

“It’s not up for discussion, Justin.”  That was, obviously, the wrong thing to say in this situation.  And if he had considered his words before they came out of his mouth, he would have been much better off.  Hell, if he had even considered whom he was speaking to he would have been much, much better off.  But, he didn’t, and now he was fighting the urge to wince after hearing his chosen words come out.  For the time being he controlled his facial expressions and looked at the blond who had said nothing as of yet but, he knew that was about to change.  

Justin looked at him calmly, flattening his hands over the cool countertop.  When he spoke, his voice was low, soft, tired barely heard above the humming of the refrigerator.

“I want to make this clear right now, Brian, in case you ever have these thoughts again.  You are not in the position to tell me what I can and cannot do, where I can go, or who I’m with.  You are not my father, my mother, or my goddamn husband.  You don’t have any say in this.”  Justin ducked his head down, taking the warm cup from Brian’s hand and placing it in his own.

Brian looked down at the blond’s lowered head, blinked once, and then again.  Maybe this was a dream.  An awful, horrible nightmare that he seemed to couldn’t wake up from.  Or an acid flash back.  He had read somewhere that they could come back, years later – no fucking warning.  That had to be it, a burnt out reminder from his college days.  

Justin took a hesitant sip from his coffee, not trusting himself to look up at Brian.  He heard a soft laugh and looked up bewildered.

“I don’t understand this, Justin.  I’m sorry, but I just don’t fucking understand it.”  His expression became serious once again, his hands moving to grip the counter on either side of him.  “Our precious little dealer must have hit something vital.  Are you being obstinate or just being fucking stupid?  Do you understand what could happen?”  Brian’s voiced raised silently, echoing in the loft and hitting Justin on all sides.  Justin resisted the urge to bring his hands up and cover both his ears – blocking this all out.  Surprising along with the want to be able to sweep this all away he felt a simmering anger building in his gut.  Anger that he was sure wasn’t directed entirely at Brian but it was going to find it’s way to him.  “Do you understand?”  He crossed over the counter, pulling Justin up into a standing position.  He was going to listen to him even if Justin had never listened to a goddamn word Brian had uttered to him ever before or after, it didn’t matter, he was sure as fucking going to hear what he was saying now.  He jerked Justin slightly and hated to seen the flinch that crossed his estranged lover’s features but, he needed to listen to him this time.  “You understand what it means to be with this man when at any time – at any time he could just go fucking insane – if he already fucking isn’t – and take you down with him?  Justin, he could fucking kill you…more than he already has.”  Justin’s urge to bring his hands up returned again but, he just shook his head, closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.  It wasn’t even fifteen feet – maybe ten – to the door from the place where they stood.  It wouldn’t take him thirty seconds to throw open the door, he had done it in less…but it might be locked.  He couldn’t remember if Brian had come back to lock the door but, if he did, when?  God, he couldn’t fucking remember.  Brian wasn’t letting him go though, just holding onto him tighter. 

“Don’t fucking deny it, Justin!”  Justin’s eyes snapped open and realized that he was still shaking his head.  Brian’s eyes, God, they were almost black with rage now.  A slow red flush was trailing up his neck and splotching his face.  Justin tried to shake his arms free but, Brian wouldn’t budge.  “Don’t you ever fucking deny what that bastard did – or I swear – I swear to fucking God I’ll kill him myself.  He fucking did this to you!  He fucking did it!”  Brian’s anger seemed almost irrational and as close as Justin was to Brian’s body, to his mouth, the words flying out were seeped with rage and anger and hatred and every other emotion that would be able to make them run together like that.   

“It’s none of your fucking business Brian!  Nothing to do with you!  So just shut up, shut up, just shut the fuck up!” Justin screamed, trying to push the older man away from him. “Let me the fuck go!  Let me go!  Don’t touch me! Don’t you ever fucking touch me again!” As much as he wanted to not totally lose it in front of Brian he couldn’t help himself, the man was stirring something up inside of him that had remained dormant for too long. He almost wanted to cry with frustration because his attempts to get Brian’s hands off him were failing miserably.  “You can’t do this anymore, Brian!”

That statement threw Brian off for a moment, and he took a step back so he could see the blond’s watery eyes.  The indifference that had been plaguing them was gone now and in its place were a fiery anger and an imminent sadness.  The fact that he had got the other man to show some sort of human emotion would have thrilled him if not for the conditions under which he had gotten it.  His mind had wandered further, taking him back to when they first arrived to the loft, the strange quiet and then the horrible discovery.  How ashamed Justin must have felt in those few moments, how he looked at Brian.  <I>*I’ll never forgive you…*</I> the quiet statement echoed in his mind, racing along with a million other thoughts.  In all his moments of introspection he didn’t realize that he was being pushed, hard, into the unforgiving counter.  He groaned low in his throat when the small of his back hit.

He looked up with squinted eyes at Justin, who looked amazed at what he had done.  He was sure that any second now would come the apologies and excuses but, Justin remained quiet.  His eyes were wide; the sapphire irises had never looked so intense in color before, almost as if they had turned a darker shade of blue. Brian’s lips turned into a smirk as he slowly came back to full height.

“The hubby must be wearing off on you.” Justin’s brow furrowed and he looked away, clenching his shaking hands.  He wasn’t like John, not like – never like that.  Couldn’t Brian see?  Hadn’t he seen the consequences of John’s violence against him?  How could he even possibly think that Justin – he stopped and looked at Brian, who was rubbing his back where he had hit the counter.  The apology stuck in his throat.  

“Fuck you, Brian.”  It was deathly quiet in the loft for several agonizing moments that seemed to stretch across Justin’s mind, blanketing him with insanity.  Justin watched in almost slow motion as Brian came up to him, taking his bicep in one hand, his mouth just centimeters above his ear.

“Fuck you, Justin…it’s so fucking like you to bite the hand that feeds you.” Brian sneered, looking down into the young man’s flashing blue eyes.  Justin’s other hand shot out involuntarily.  Brian stepped back a pace, never losing contact with the blond.  Before Justin knew what was happening Brian had pushed back at him and soon had him leaning over the counter, his back pressed against the hard top.

Brian smirked; he couldn’t deny his attraction to the boy underneath him, his squirming and fighting doing nothing to alleviate his problem.  A problem that Justin was well aware of, for he was fighting his own.

“Get the fuck off of me.”  He hissed at the man, who was pushing a little more of his weight on him.

“Make me.”  Brian huffed out a small laugh, trying to keep both his feet on the floor and at the same time keeping his groin protected from any wandering knees.  It was such a pleasant feeling to assert dominance over the blond.  It had been many long and cold months since they had been in any position like this and Brian reveled in it now.  Their entire bodies touching…grinding together.  He wondered if Justin was even aware that his hips were churning lightly.  He lowered his head and Justin stilled entirely, his body coiling tightly in anticipation of what the older man was about to do.  Before Brian could fathom just what his actions would bring him, he let go of one of the boy’s wrists, and trailed his hand down Justin’s body until reaching his ultimate goal.  Justin gasped lightly, looking up into hazel eyes that revealed nothing to him.  Using the leverage he had, Brian pulled Justin closer to him, and the blond’s leg automatically went up to wrap around the older man’s waist.  And before either of them realized it, their mouths were locked in a heated kiss.

He had forgotten how good it felt to be utterly enveloped by this man, how good it felt to have his warm strong arms around him, holding him.  There was nothing in this world better than having Brian leaning over him, literally stealing his breath away from him.  He tentatively brought his hand up to cradle Brian’s cheek, his other hand going behind him to give him some leverage from the unyielding marble.

Brian pulled his head away quickly.  Sharp hazel eyes looked rapidly at stunned blues.  Neither had a chance to speak when Justin’s hand voluntarily pulled Brian’s head back to him. 


John looked intently at the screen in front of him.  He stared hard at the words that littered the page so hard that they soon began to bleed into each other, taking up the whole of his vision.  His mind shut out all other thoughts and sounds, focusing on the blurry images.  When the door to the large apartment opened quickly, it startled John from his position behind the desk.  A loud gasp escaped him before he could control himself.  A blond head looked up at him, smiling shyly at the man.

“Hey.”  Justin said softly, coming closer into the apartment and to him.  He looked at John briefly before shrugging off his jacket.  John stared him a moment before saving his file and closing the laptop.  The clock on the wall told him that it had been some time since he had returned from Nicolei’s, showered, and then wrote.  He stretched, his back cracking in places that left him wincing.

“Where were you at?”  John asked softly, watching Justin walk into the kitchen and open the fridge door.  Justin stopped what he was doing and looked back over at John, eyes staring at the other’s intently.

“At Brian’s.”  John jumped up out of the chair, knocking it into the wall behind it.

“Kinney’s?”  Justin smirked at him, before looking back in the refrigerator. 

“That’s the one.”  John rolled his eyes upward at Justin’s behavior and walked into the kitchen, leaning against the counter, hands crossed firmly over his chest.

“Justin.  What were you doing there?”  It was like pulling teeth.  John sighed as Justin finally found what he was looking for and shut the steel door.  His arms were laden with vegetables and meats that John wasn’t even aware were in his apartment, much less his refrigerator.  “And what are you doing?”

“He asked to meet me, I agreed, we talked, I’m cooking dinner.”  Justin said in one breath, already pushing John away from the counter top.  John looked on amazed as Justin started opening and closing drawers, looking for utensils, pots, and pans.  He shook his head, he was married to this man and he didn’t even know that he could cook.  Maybe he couldn’t.  Maybe this was just a phase.  From the sound of running water and chopping he would soon find out.

“Wait a second.”  Justin looked up and smiled slightly at the confused face John was giving him.  He was going to cook tonight, something he had just always done.  He had stopped doing it, had stopped himself from just doing the calming routine, the simple skill that he had always enjoyed.  He looked down at the various ingredients and smiled.     

“What?”  He asked softly looking back up at John who stood there for several seconds before, it seemed, his brain could start functioning again.  Justin didn’t see what the big shock was.  Then he realized this was the first time he was doing something like this in front of John.  He shook his head slightly; they knew so little about the other.

“What happened?”  Justin smiled again, he knew that this was coming though; from the moment he stepped inside the apartment.  He knew he couldn’t linger outside in the lobby forever, no matter how much he had wanted to.

“Nothing.  John…” He looked up at John through lowered lashes.  “It was just something I had to do.”  Whatever caused John not to say anything else on the matter, Justin was extremely grateful for, albeit a little suspicious.  It was a drastic change from the man he knew but one he would remember.  He continued on with his work, watching John walk slowly toward him out of the corner of his eye.  He wasn’t scared of John, which was a surprise considering their past.  Justin believed that he had allowed John control over him, it was his choice to give it away, and he had, freely.  Justin couldn’t stop himself from tensing though when John stepped behind him.  He felt the older man wrap his arms around his stomach, pulling him tightly against him.

“It’s understandable, I mean, that closure between two people who have spent a considerable amount of time together – that have loved each other, listened to the other’s problems.  All that sharing takes time to be pushed aside but it should be pushed aside to be able to move forward…” He couldn’t hear John ramble on about his philosophies on love.  In Justin mind there was a crash of glass and steel hitting a solid wood floor, and he remembered how eerie the echo sounded in the quiet loft.  Behind closed eyelids he saw Brian hovering over him, his tongue licking a trail up his body, up his neck, in his mouth.  He remembered how wonderful they tasted together and how well their bodies fit together.  “Is any of this making sense to you?”  He looked up and John was staring at him intently, he hadn’t even felt him move to the other side of the counter.  John was wearing that small-embarrassed smile of his, cocking his head to look at Justin sideways.  John laughed quietly and Justin felt a chill run down his spine.  He shook his head at John and forced out a small smile before continuing his task.