When conscious thought finally broke through into his mind, he realized that he couldn’t breathe, and a bigger, stronger body was pressing him into the lumpy mattress of an expensive hotel room.  With his eyes still closed, he pushed himself up, knocking his bedmate off of him.  He had one hell of a hangover.  He didn’t know what made him do it, but Justin cracked one eye open to look at the clock on the nightstand.  It’s tall neon numbers screamed 3:28 at him and Justin thought that he had been asleep for longer than that.  Whatever Vincent had given him last night had thoroughly knocked him on his ass, debilitating him the whole day.  He groaned, John was going to fucking kill him.  Justin had just now noticed that Vincent had gasped and rolled away, falling off the bed and taking the sheets with him.  The only reason he did notice was because Vincent was dragging him to the other side of the bed. 

“What the hell are you doing?”  Justin couldn’t help but laugh and groan at the hysterics of the man sprawled on the floor.

“God, you surprised me.”  Justin smirked and reached down a hand to help him up.  Vincent blushed and took the offered help.  “Sorry, ‘bout that.”  Justin nodded his head before letting the other man’s hand go.  He looked at the clock once more and winced.  

“I guess it’s time for me to get going.”  Justin rubbed his eye; his head was starting to throb from the foolishness of moments before.  God, maybe he shouldn’t moved so much; he was fine before he started moving.  Jesus, he sighed silently.  How was he going to explain this to John?  Just as he was rolling his eyes heavenward, he felt a tentative touch on his back, stroking his skin. 

“I’m sure you could stay a little while longer.”  Vincent’s alluring voice resounded in his ear and Justin closed his eyes and leaned back against the man.  It couldn’t hurt.

This time with Vincent seemed much more real than his earlier trysts with the man.  Maybe it was because they were both sober, albeit a little on the sore side.  Maybe because he had his eyes wide open throughout the entire exchange.  Maybe it was because this time Vincent called out Justin’s name when he came.  Or maybe it was because when he looked out at the still open windows the moon wasn’t splaying across their luminous skin, making them seem like gods cast out of paradise.  Justin could only hear the sounds of afternoon traffic coming in, almost drowning out the sounds of their lovemaking. 

The next time Justin looked out the window, a tiny strip of light was fading into the bleak Vermont horizon.  He had gotten out of the bed as soon as he had woken up from the short nap they had both taken.  He had already dressed and Vincent Oliveri was lounging in the bed, naked except for the sheet wrapped around various parts of his lower body.  In his left hand he was toying with Justin’s ring and in his right he was flicking the ashes off of his cigarette in a complimentary ashtray slanting precariously on the bed.

“This <I>is</I> supposed to be your ‘honeymoon’ right?”  Vincent asked slipping the ring on his own hand, it glinted tragically in the low fluorescent lights of the room and clinked when it touched the other ring already there.

“Yes.”

“But, you’re here…with me.”  Justin looked back over his shoulder at the man.  His tone reminded Justin of a certain someone, and he could easily imagine the words coming out from Brian’s lips.  Had he said that to him before?  Justin only nodded towards Vincent.

“What’s his name?”  Justin looked at him for a moment more before heading over to a chair placed by the bed.  He flung himself down on it dramatically and tried to stifle the smile when Vincent rolled his eyes and laughed.

“John Bonheim.  What about yours?”  If Vincent was surprised by the name he didn’t let it show on his face.  He looked away for a moment.  Jesus, he thought, he sure knew how to pick ‘em.  John fucking Bonheim and his fucking Uncle Satan himself Kane.  And this lovely creature wrapped up in it.  That was the real surprise to Vincent Oliveri, how this beautiful man could be wrapped up in it all.

“Graham.”  Justin nodded, that was all he was going to get and now he felt slightly embarrassed for revealing his own…whatever.  Vincent Oliveri smiled softly, looking away, past Justin.  He caught himself and put out his hand, wanting Justin to join him on the bed again.  Justin moved the ashtray before sitting down.

“I know him.”  Justin looked at him surprised.  “I mean, I don’t know him, know him.  I, uh, bought from him about a year ago.  No serious relationship.”  He smiled softly, caressing the skin underneath Justin’s shirt.  Justin looked down at the rings on Vincent’s left hand, the hand stoking his back still felt hot from the cigarette, crushed only moments ago.  “He was mean then, still mean now?”  Justin closed his eyes.  Suddenly he felt Vincent’s left hand come out to pull his shirtsleeve up, rubbing the plain white gauze.  

His eyes opened instantly.

“It’s none of your fucking business.”  Justin said quietly, threateningly.  Vincent looked at him for a moment before moving his hands to remove Justin’s ring.  

“You might need this.”  He handed Justin the ring just as the last of the sun died on the horizon.  

Justin sighed, “I might.”  Just as he was leaving Vincent gave him his card. 

“Later.”  Vincent had said to him as he opened the door, a sharp breeze pushing its way into the room and chilling Vincent on the bed.  Justin stood there for a moment, before returning the sentiment to him.  Suddenly, this place was suffocating him.  He ran down to the front of the building and hurriedly hailed a cab. 

The ride to his own hotel went by a lot faster than Justin had wanted it to.  And in less than thirty minutes, with the night traffic and all, Justin was stooped outside the building.  He thought momentarily about what he would, indeed, tell John when he arrived at the small suite.  He could either tell him the truth, something that Justin was seriously doubting he would pick, or tell him that he had sat at the bar drinking all fucking night, thinking about just what John had done.  What the fuck had he been thinking anyway?  Telling fucking Debbie that.  Okay, so they were…whatevered.  Justin closed his eyes in frustration; he couldn’t even let the word be uttered in his mind.  He sighed, it was a mistake and he knew it.  But, something this big could not be so easily undone.  He stepped into the hotel practicing his decision in his mind on the way up.

Justin pulled the plain plastic card out of his jacket pocket and swiftly passed it through the locking system.  The little light flashed green quickly, and the door made a small ticking noise as Justin opened it. 

The room was bathed in darkness and immediately Justin knew something was wrong.  The gauzy white window curtains were pulled back and they looked almost blue from the moon glowing just outside.  He stepped in and shut the door quietly behind him, slipping his shoes off on the soft carper.  It was unusually hot inside the large room and Justin quietly took off his jacket.  He stood there for a moment taking in everything that had happened to the room since he had left the day before.  Several small glass liquor bottles were littered all over the floor and there was a bottle of whiskey laying on the coffee table, spilling some of its contents.  Apparently, John had to go out to get that.  From there, he could even see prints from where hands were pressed into the window.  He leaned over, trying to get a good look into the bedroom, never completely abandoning his spot by the door.  He couldn’t see it though, so he concentrated in the eerie quiet, his eyes closed, trying to hear if John was even in the room.

So, it came a very shocking surprise to Justin when he was hurled against the adjoining wall, opening his eyes finally to take in a very angry John looming over him.  He was wearing the same clothes from a day ago and even if Justin hadn’t witnessed the shambles of the room around him, he knew that John was quite drunk, and had been quite drunk for sometime.

“Lovely, so glad you could finally join me.”  John slurred from above him, his arms automatically reaching to clench Justin’s arms in a vise like grip, pushing him closer to the wall and in effect pushing himself closer to him.  Justin turned his head from the heavy smell of alcohol on John’s breath.  

“What’s the matter, Justin?  Huh?”  He seethed, digging further into the tender flesh of Justin’s upper arms.

“You’re fucking drunk.”  Justin said through clenched teeth, looking up at him.  He then thought it was a little unnecessary to point out the already obvious.

“You’re fucking right I am!”  He slammed Justin into the wall again, a self-satisfied smirk creeping over his lips when he saw Justin flinch and groan out in protest.  John smiled, making Justin even more wary.  He briefly wondered what the hell John was up to.  John took his hands off Justin and stepped back.  Justin foolishly thought that the danger had passed.

“Where were you?”  Justin looked away for a moment, staring at the pale blue wall of the suite.  He looked back up at John, his eyes shining in the low light.  

“John…I-” His sentence was cut off with a swift slap to his face.  His head was knocked to the side from the force of the blow but he refused to look hurt by John’s action.  He brought his head back up and stood straight, catching the malicious glint in John’s angry eyes.  There were no ousted gods for him tonight, not when John Bonheim was going to do everything in his power to keep him in that hotel room.  He watched John’s fist come up, almost as if it were in slow motion.  He closed his eyes as it struck the other side of his face, his head flinging backwards with the impact, attempting to lessen the damage from the blow.  He could already feel the sting on his lower lip and left eye; already taste his own coppery essence in his mouth.  Justin opened his eyes and looked back at the man again.

“You’re playing tough tonight, huh?”  Justin stood up a little straighter, throwing his chin out defiantly towards the older man.  John leaned in closer to the boy, putting his hands on either side of Justin, effectively trapping him between the wall and himself.  John smirked at him, his eyes going back and forth over Justin’s face.  “We’ll see.”


Things moved fast after that.  It seemed almost like a deadly dance between two very dangerous men and neither was going to give on.  Justin pushed back at John as he tried to grab him again, and Justin was rewarded with being thrown up against the wall again, his breath knocked out of him.  John stood over him, his smile still in place, as he watched Justin crumple to the ground.  

“Fuck you, John.”  Justin rasped and brought his hand up to his aching ribs.  John snarled and pulled Justin back up to his feet, just to throw him back on the carpeted floor.  John snatched his shirt over his head, angrily, all the while watching the boy gasping on the floor.

“You stupid little fuck.  Who the fuck do you think you are?”  John crouched down and took Justin’s face in his hand.  Justin jerked out of his grasp and moved back, balancing his weight on his heels.  John followed him, pushing his upright knee down and out of the way.  He crawled over Justin’s prone form, placing his knees on either side of the boy.  He suddenly stopped when he felt an unwanted pressure cradling his balls.  He looked down at the boy’s knee, waiting to strike and then he looked back up at the boy, a surprised expression on his face.  Justin smiled through a bloody lip.  

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”  And John quickly rolled off of Justin, who was scrambling to stand on his own two feet, meeting John on equal terms.  Once they were both standing, John stepped closer to the boy, who took a step back.  John gave Justin a feral grin, making the boy take another step back.

“Justin, do you really think you can get away from me?”  John rushed forward, surprising Justin and taking him by his arm and crushing him to the older man.  “For one fucking second, do you think you can deny me?  I can have you anytime I want, whenever I want, and how-fucking-ever I want.”  He shook Justin again, making the man whimper.  “I could fuck you until you bleed, understand?”  Justin leaned back, getting a clear look at the man towering over him.  The set of John’s face did nothing to reassure him.  “Be thankful that I choose not to, that you have my sympathies.”  He paused for a brief moment, and Justin looked at him, searching his face for any sign that this moment was imagined.  A cloud passed over John’s eyes and his face hardened when he looked down at Justin, slowly pressing his fingers harder into his arm.  “I can do whatever the fuck I want, and no one-” He shook Justin, making the younger man cry out.  “And I mean no one, not your fucking ‘family’ and especially not that fucking Kinney can do anything to stop me.  Do you understand our arrangement now?  Should I show you?”  John moved closer to the boy, roughly pressing his lips to Justin’s closed mouth.  He growled, a low, deep hollow sound rising up in his throat and Justin opened his mouth, allowing John in.  He gasped when John bit his lower lip and pushed the smirking man away from him.

Justin shook his head, over and over again, slowly backing away, putting much needed distance between John and himself.  John’s eyes narrowed and he grabbed the boy again, dragging him into the small dining room and slamming him on the solid wood tabletop.  He was unnaturally pleased when Justin arched against the hard impact of the table.

“What’s it going to take, Justin?  What’s it going to take to make you understand that your ass is mine?” He growled at the squirming boy, pinning him to the table with one hand.  Justin brought his hands up to try to push John off of him.  John shook his head and climbed on top of the boy, putting his full weight on him.    

“Get the fuck off of me...” Justin arched against him, trying unsuccessfully to get the larger man off of him.  He felt like he was sliding all over the polished surface of the table.  His arms and legs were thrashing around, attempting to buck the man off.  John lunged at him again, his hands wrapping around Justin’s head.  A sickening thud echoed in the room as it was lifted and slammed against the table.  For a brief moment, Justin saw stars.  

“Stop it.”  John barked at Justin, too late.  Justin’s hand came up to cradle his throbbing head.  

“Oh God…” It felt like it was about to explode.  John put his hand on top of Justin’s, the one that was cradling his injured head, and Justin could feel John rubbing his ring, could feel his hot breath on it.  Justin was moaning and John’s head moved so his mouth covered it, drinking in the sounds coming from deep inside Justin.  John snarled and attacked Justin’s mouth again with urgency.  Finally, Justin ripped away taking in a huge gulp of air and turning his head from John’s.

“You fucking slut...” John growled in his ear, and Justin clenched his eyes shut.  He was sliding away from all of this, sinking into the hard wood, moving away from John’s hurtful hands.  If he just closed his eyes tight enough he would be out of here, he wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.  John noticed this and it angered him all the more.  His eyes narrowed and his hand came up again to strike Justin.  It was amazing how his beautiful blue eyes would clear and stare at John unwaveringly.  This time he could see perfectly in their depths and John liked what he saw.  He possessed a speed that neither of them knew and climbed off the boy, pulling Justin’s legs to dangle over the end of the table, John firmly between them.

“Who was he Justin?  Did you have fucking fun?”  John demanded, pulling Justin up to wrench his shirt off over his head.  Justin rolled his head back, his hands covering his eyes, but the incessant throbbing still continued.  John put his hand on the center of Justin’s chest, pushing the boy on his back.  His hands were hurriedly trying to remove Justin’s pants

“John…” The soft plea came from the end of the table, but John was too wrapped up in all the feelings that were pounding in his skull, pounding to be let out, to take any notice of Justin’s quiet entreaty.  Justin’s hands came down to rest atop John’s, stopping his progress.  John looked at the boy, an unreadable expression masking his face.  He wanted to wrap his pain and hurt around this boy and give him a fraction of the sorrow that John was feeling.  Goddamn, it felt so good to pull him closer, to yank at his soft pale hair and his even softer flesh.  It felt so good to own him.

John reached down quickly and pulled the genuine leather belt from the loops of his slacks.  Elation rushed over him when he saw Justin’s eyes widen in panic.  An insane grin was etched on his face as he trailed the solid silver buckle over the boy’s trembling flesh.  He could smell the fear mounting in Justin.

“You’ve hurt me, Justin.”  He sighed before raising his hand.


He lunged forward to stop whatever sick and twisted plan John had in his mind, but even a slightly deranged John had enough wits about him to step to the side, avoiding Justin’s attack.  He even had enough mind to drive Justin to the ground just at his feet.  Justin pushed himself to the carpet as close as he could, tensing his body for whatever caused the swish in the air above him.  He knew, God help him, he knew what was happening as he balled his hands into fist and felt the horrifying sensation of fire on his back.  With the force that John had used, the silver buckle broke through his skin and Justin was awash with pain.  Pain so real and alive eminating from inside him, that he had no doubt in his mind what was to come next.

Unwanted screams passed his lips, as he couldn’t hold them in any longer, because it came to Justin’s attention that John wasn’t going to stop any time soon.  Blow after blow, he sunk further into the chafing carpet below him.  He felt a sting on his neck and wailed pitifully.  Justin had felt pain worse than this before in his life but, it all seemed surreal at the moment.  All he could focus on was the searing icy heat on his back…and all over.  It had spread like some terrible disease, ricocheting off every part of his body.  His mind wrapped around the crack the heavy strap made as it journeyed closer and closer to him.  It cut the air around him, making his pain seem even more terrifying.

“John, oh God, John, please…John!” The blows on his back were ferociously stinging bites and Justin sobbed, ducking his head down.  

“Please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!  I’m so fucking sorry…” He cried out, again, causing John to stop momentarily.  His body was shaking with sobs and he questioned whether or not to raise his head to look at his estranged husband when he felt another rain of fire on his back.  He cried out again, reaching towards John’s leg.  He clung to the man, pushing himself up to get closer and Justin couldn’t tell whether he had stopped or not.  He was crawling at the man’s pants leg begging him to stop…to never stop.  John dropped his weapon, the belt landing with a thud near Justin’s feet.  He crouched and hugged Justin to him, sinking his hands into welts and cuts that blazed brightly on Justin’s marred back.   

“I love you…Oh God, I love you…” He lowered Justin to the floor, watching him wince when his back made contact.  Somewhere, deep inside of John, he enjoyed making Justin hurt like that.  He sat on his heels, his weight pressed on Justin’s hip.  He pulled Justin’s wrists together and brought them to his chest.  Justin could feel, through layers of skin, John’s rapid heartbeat.

“Tell me, Justin…Tell me that-Tell me that…” John looked up and squeezed his eyes shut.  Justin could see a single tear rolling down his face and the image was burned in his mind.  John had never looked more breathtaking, begging Justin for something that he could never have.

“I love you, John.”  It was almost imperceptible in the low buzz of the room, faint with Justin’s hoarse voice and watery through his tears, but John heard it.  He lowered his head and kissed Justin’s wrists, bowing his head towards them.  John pulled one free, and ran his hand through John’s hair reassuringly.  His eyes closed and prayed for the pain to leave him, slowly sinking into sleep with John whispering his name over and over.


For John and Justin, it was a unanimous decision to head back to Pittsburgh the very next day.  That hotel room was tarnished with their violence and Justin didn’t think he could stand it anymore.  As John was packing their things, Justin picked up the belt that still lay undisturbed on the floor and threw it away, shivering the whole time.  They left fifteen minutes later, Justin getting stares all the way out of the hotel.  In the cab, Justin put on the designer sunglasses that John had bought him and hugged his coat tighter around him trying to outrun the cold that seemed to be chasing him.  Once he had settled into his spot on the plane, made John order him a small bottle of liquor to take the painkillers John had provided for him, he fell into a deep, blissful sleep the rest of the way.  Only waking out of his daze to follow John, who had to push him back down into his seat when John had gotten up to use the bathroom.

Justin was almost fully awake when John took his hand into his own, smiled reassuringly and pulled him into the apartment.  Justin was confused for a moment, and wondered how he had gotten here so fast.  He thought back and it had all seemed to be a blur.  He shook his head lightly, and cradled it when it started to ache.  Home sweet fucking home, he thought.  A tiny red blinking light caught his eye and he realized that it was the answering machine, as did John, apparently.  He moved away from the light and locked eyes on the couch.  John smiled and pressed the small button, the beep sounding strangely loud in the open.

“John?  Nicolei.  I want-” John quickly turned off the machine, cutting off the heavy Russian accent and looked quickly back at the blond man.  Justin, for his part, was barely able to stand upright, leaning up against the couch, several feet away from John.  He moved toward the boy, gently taking him by his bruised arm and leading him into the bathroom.  “Take a shower, lovely.”  John whispered, and Justin could feel a light kiss on his forehead.  “It’ll wake you up.”

Once he was sure that Justin was safely in the shower, it looked like he would be there for quite sometime.  Enough for John to call Nicolei back.  He closed his eyes and sighed, trying to calm his nerves.  The Russian would always be a sticky situation for John and he could never really get rid of him.  He had met Nic, as he affectionately called him, through his long forgotten youth, and the two had had a long, but, slightly dangerous relationship.  And John had loved him, as much as a twenty-five year old on the verge of an emotional break down could.  Nicolei had always kept in touch with him through the years, had called John whenever he was in the states, which was very seldom.  John looked over his shoulder and heard the shower still running.  It looked to be that time of the year again.  He looked at the machine and punched delete, blocking Justin from ever hearing that voice again.  He reached out a shaky hand and picked up the cordless.  He had business to attend to.

“John?”  Justin yelled out forty-five minutes later.  He was leaning heavily against the solid wood beam that was jutting out on the second floor.  God, he felt so tired.  Straight in his bones, he felt the weight of the past few days and it made him weary of the future.  Jesus.  He closed his eyes again and the towel dropped from his waste.  The cool air circulating the apartment felt good on his heated skin and he gave a slight smile.  He opened his eyes quickly and hoped that the apartment was truly empty. 

“John, you here?”  He held onto the steel railing as he went down the steps, totally comfortable with his nudity for the moment.  A brief scan of the apartment confirmed any doubts he had that he was alone.  John was not there.  He arched a brow when he saw John’s suitcase strewn on the floor, its contents strewn and all over the place.  John had changed before going out.  He moved over to the answering machine and noticed the light was blinking again.  John had conveniently left a note by the phone.  Through the scribble Justin could read the words ‘out’ and ‘back later’.  Justin shrugged, that was fine with him.  He pressed the black plastic button.

The first call was a dud, the caller waiting a few seconds before hanging up.  The next call had occurred only about ten minutes ago and Justin wondered why he hadn’t heard it.  It was short and to the point.  He quickly deleted the message, looking over his back for any sign of John.  The apartment was entirely quiet.  The message was from Brian…expecting him to meet him at a small café close by.  His voice booked not argument.  Justin headed upstairs, dressing quickly.  Twenty minutes later he wrote a similar note to John, grabbed his coat, wincing as he pulled it on and headed out the door.  He stormed back in, grabbing his glasses on the counter.  He sighed and headed back out.  This was not going to be a pleasant conversation.