John had stayed there with him under the running water for almost thirty minutes, holding the boy close to him, washing his marked skin with a gentle hand. He didn’t want to leave the comfort of the bathroom but, he had to bandage Justin up. So, when the water ran cold, John picked Justin up and placed him gently on the bed and knelt beside the small man. Justin’s eyes were opened wide with shock and the dim lights in the bedroom made them glow with an eerie magnificence, the blue shooting forth onto John, almost searing him, looking through him. John felt a tug pull at his heart and an excruciating stab of pain rip through him. He looked over Justin’s glistening body; already the bruises were forming just beneath his skin. The marks looked so abnormal compared to Justin’s naturally pale skin. John clenched his fists and let a tear slip from his eye. He couldn’t possibly explain his actions, as brutal as they were. It was an act of senseless aggression and John wasn’t sure where it came from. What honestly surprised him was that Justin had put up a fight, and for the first time John had seen just how passionate Justin could be, a beautiful infuriating anger that John had gotten his first experience of. Biting and hitting him back, putting his whole body into it. John hadn’t left the battle untouched either; it didn’t matter though, he didn’t look like Justin, so frail, looking up at him with those incredible eyes. He had the overwhelming urge to protect him. He would have smiled at the irony had he not been so worried. John decided that from here on, he would make it his job to protect Justin from the outside world. Justin was different, Justin was his salvation. He closed his eyes and let the pain that his soul was feeling pass through him and he silently promised himself that this wouldn’t happen again. It would never happen again. Justin had already gone through this cycle with that damn Ethan kid. It wouldn’t be him…ever again. He slowly opened his eyes and found Justin was still staring at him. His eyes void of any emotion and that’s what hurt John the most. That this beautiful, expressive boy was lying before him motionless, almost like the living dead and it was entirely his fault. “I’ll be right back, Justin, I’m just going to get the salve.” He moved closer to whisper into the blonde’s ear, afraid if he spoke any louder the boy would simply break apart. No response, not like John had expected one anyway. Justin had resumed his position of when he first arrived here, lying there, staring off into space. His mind completely not there, not even acknowledging John’s presence. It bothered John immensely, but, he let Justin lay there, in that comatose state. John sighed and moved to the bathroom to gather the materials he would need to help Justin. He reminded himself just to keep his mind on the task at hand; he didn’t want to have a complete emotional break down over the boy. He had had enough of John’s insecurities already, no fair giving him his useless apologies and regrets. Justin was well aware of John’s presence, because he could feel the other man leave. Justin was scared for a moment, and wondered whether the man was leaving him on his own for the rest of the day. But, John had come back and now Justin wondered what he was doing because whatever words the man was whispering to him, made no sense in Justin’s head. Nonsense that he felt comforted and irritated by at the same time. His body hadn’t made it to that numb stage yet, the prickles of pain were shooting at different intensity levels through out his whole body, but, he thought that his head hurt the most. He tried to form the words to let John know that he had sustained a major head injury not even a year ago and that maybe they should try to go to the hospital, but they just wouldn’t come out. He tried to ask for some pain pills but, that wouldn’t come out either. He could feel John’s soft hands all over him, gently soothing the salve on his damaged skin. He looked at John, well John’s stomach as he leaned over him working on the rug burns on his back. He could see the tiny half crescent marks that were undoubtedly where his nails had sunk into John’s flesh. He thought that they were fantastically beautiful. He sighed and let John work his magic. Ah, now the numbness was coming, and Justin was gratefully sinking into it. It was the abyss again. Justin thought it was wonderful there, a place where he was in constant free fall. A place with no sights, no sound, nothing. A place so unlike the reality which he was in now. He hated where he was now, hated his life to be more precise. He tried not to think all about the mistakes and the pain. He closed his eyes and all he could see was a pair of haunted hazel eyes. Tears brimming just below the surface, they were looking at him, seeing right through him and his lies. He could see the anger there, lingering in the background. He could see the betrayal and the hate. Don’t worry, I hate myself too Brian, he thought. A small laugh escaped his lips, tinged with panic, and then a sob, and then another one. The tears were starting now and he felt John move off of him coming closer to envelop Justin’s body in his arms, mistaking his cries for pain. Justin didn’t want to be touched by him, didn’t want to be touched by anyone besides the man that he hurt the most. But, Justin didn’t have the strength to fight John off; he was still trying to breathe with all the anguished cries coming out of him. This was the worst pain of all, the emotional kind; he had rather dealt with the physical ache that John had unleashed upon him. He couldn’t take this. He clenched his eyes shut trying to break off the vision of those eyes, those tragically breathtaking haunting eyes. They wouldn’t leave him though. Throughout the week after that fateful scene on Sunday, Justin had rarely moved from the bed, which didn’t surprise either of them. On Monday night, John had slept on the large couch in the living room because Justin was sprawled out on their bed, leaving no room for him. Lying there during the night, John resolved to call the cleaner in the morning to remove the light splotches of red that sprinkled the pale carpet. Justin was still in bed when the cleaner arrived and when she left. As far as John could see, he hadn’t moved an inch from the night before. Many times it occurred to John during the day, to go in there and talk to him but, he lost his nerve every time he got up from his computer chair. He sighed and moved to his computer once again, turning his attention to the manuscript he was working on, his eyes never really straying far from the blonde laying face down on his bed. Justin had slept on and off for the next few days, never really falling into a deep sleep, despite what he had claimed to John. On Thursday, Justin had laden himself with pain pills and was thoroughly knocked out for the rest of the night; he did the same on Friday. But, on Saturday the magic little pills were nowhere to be found, John had hidden them, saying that Justin should try to stay conscious for at least five hours this week. Justin had told him to fuck off, but made no attempt to find the pills. He sighed and went back to the bed, crawling up into it and curling into himself. He didn’t leave it for the rest of the night. Sunday night rolled around and John was resigning himself to another night of restless sleep on his very expensive, albeit very uncomfortable couch, when he heard Justin’s soft call. Not sure he heard him at all, he continued turning off all the lights that were scattered around the large apartment. But then he heard it again, and it sounded like music to his ears. “Sleep in here tonight, John.” The words came out slowly, softly, from the still puffy lips of the boy lying on his side in John’s bed. His arm outreached beckoning John towards him. John could not put into words the beauty of the site before him, or how Justin looked bathed in the bluish silver moonlight, the turquoise of John’s walls bouncing off his pale form. He could only smile softly at Justin while hurriedly taking off his clothes. The bed was deliciously warm and John sunk into it, sighing with relief. He felt Justin tense for a mere second and then scoot back towards him, almost like giving himself to John. John brought his hand up slowly, running the length of the boy’s spine. His skin was unbearably soft underneath John’s light touch. Justin sighed and John took this as a good sign to continue his ministrations to the man lying beside him, but before he could, Justin turned around to face him. John could read nothing in the boy’s eyes; so blank they were even in the glow of the moonlight streaming in from the open shades. Justin brought his hand up and cupped John’s cheek, running his thumb across it. John smiled and moved his head forward to kiss the powerful boy and this time Justin didn’t tense up. Justin could no longer feel John’s hands on him, it was so easy to block them out now, to block almost everything out. It scared him, these feelings that he was having. He couldn’t explain to himself where they came from or when they started, but he really didn’t feel like Justin anymore. He paused and searched his mind for the thing that had finally changed him, changed him so completely he could hardly recognize himself anymore. He didn’t really want it to have anything to do with Brian; he thought that at least one part of his life should be untouched by the man. But none of it wasn’t, it couldn’t be any other way. Those words that Brian had spoken to him right before that first time, were coming back to haunt him. Brian would always be there, in everything and anything that Justin would do. Whether it be destroying himself or making one of the his best works of art, Brian would be there, lurking in the back of his mind through every step of the way. It was tragic and calming all at the same time. Once Justin was sure that John was truly asleep, he crept from the bed to the bathroom. For the first time that week, he could see himself clearly under the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights. The marks had all but disappeared; leaving the soft tell-tale signs that there were once bruises there. The ones around his wrist were still there, in stark contrast to the rest of his body, and Justin actually liked them but, he really didn’t know why. He used to love when Brian would accidentally bruise him there, when one of their play sessions had gotten too rough. He looked at the mirror again; his eyes were so tired looking, even though he had slept the entire week away. There were remnants of a black eye on the right one and his bottom lip was still a little puffier than the top one. But, that was about it. In a couple of days the bruises would be gone and he and John could sweep this little incident under the rug, never to be brought up again. But, he didn’t want to let this go, and it certainly didn’t seem like this would just disappear for John, no matter how much he wanted it to. Justin had had a glimpse of just how jealous and territorial John could be. He mentally debated whether to aggravate the man even more than he did on Sunday. He smirked suddenly, if John had any clue what he had been doing twenty minutes earlier in that elevator, he would be certain that the little fight would have been a lot worse. In some ways, he liked John angry more than he liked him when he was being sickingly sweet to him. He guessed that his age and his experiences had finally caught up with him. No longer did he dream of his prince coming to rescue him. Those were long in the past; he had left them with Brian. And Justin thought they should and would stay with Brian. “Has anyone heard from him?!” Debbie voice was loud enough to carry through the entire Navotny household. Her current rage was like none they had ever seen before or they would ever see again. They were grateful for the latter part, of course. So, there they sat around the large dinner table in the heart of their little home. A home they came to when all was lost in their world, when there was no light at the end of their tunnel. This was the beacon that called to them, in case of any emergency, where they would need light. And none of them said a word about the blonde haired boy that no one had seen in a long while. “Yeah, he’s fine.” All their eyes snapped towards the speaker, surprising them all when the one they all least expected to know, actually…knew. “How the hell do you know?” It was Melanie who voiced the question every one was thinking in their minds. The table had gone silent, waiting for the man at the end to answer the question. Of course, being that it was Brian Kinney he paused, a little too long for everyone’s liking, to reply. “I saw him at the park when I was with Gus.” He sighed, exasperated. He looked around and smirked, it seemed all of them were nodding and looking down, almost like digesting this little bit of information was too much for them. He sighed once again and shook his head. Did they really expect him to just stop talking about him? To stop being able to say his name? All right, he had to admit the first few months were a lot harder than he had expected and he didn’t really feel comfortable talking about his ex-whatever and his new whatever. “Why are you asking anyway, Ma, haven't you seen him?” Michael wondered from his position underneath Ben’s protective arm. Several looks where shot his way, but he was unaware, still looking intently at his mother. “Jennifer said that she hasn’t spoken to or seen Justin in almost three months. That kid’s got us all worried out of our fucking minds. And he-” She pointed towards Brian, her lone red nailed finger pointing accusingly at him, “is just going to casually sit over there and tell us he’s fine. Sunshine isn’t fine, this isn’t like him.” Brian shrugged at her claim, making a mental note to find Justin and find out what the hell was going on, even if it meant going over to that damn fiddler’s. It took a little while for Debbie to calm down and be civil to the gang, but the rest of the dinner went by uneventful after that. As they all filed out, Brian just knew that one of them or all of them were going to have a go at him, to find out what he truly did know about the boy. It was Melanie and Lindsay first, he knocked points off for that one, and he told them what he would tell the rest of them. He saw him in the park, he looked fine, he was drawing, and he had to get home, so they had no time to chitchat. They would put their most powerful evil glares on him, but none of them really frightened him. He sighed as he stood on the small porch outside the warm house, and lit up a cigarette that had been resting behind his ear during dinner. He really couldn’t believe that Justin had completely cut off all contact with them, especially his mother. That really wasn’t like him, not like the Justin he knew. But, looking back on it now, Justin looked so different. So much older than when Brian had gotten his last glimpse of him. And those clothes, he usually didn’t dress that well, that sophisticated. Those were expensive, that jacket alone had to be more than what he made at the diner for a whole month. And he wasn’t even working at the diner anymore, was he? No. He had left everything in his dust when he walked out with that kid at Babylon. Brian sighed again, and watched his breathe in the coldness of the air. It was fucking cold out here, and he wondered when it would ever get warm again, when would he ever get warm again. He threw the cigarette down, stomped the butt into the old wooden planks and left, before Debbie had her way with him again. The next day, when the clock finally rolled around to seven o’clock Brian stopped his pacing, grabbed his keys and left the loft. He was on a mission, and Brian Kinney on a mission was a very dangerous thing. He already knew where that Ethan lived from his lapsed moment of sanity when he found out that Justin was cheating on him. He thought for a moment, no, it wasn’t really right to call it cheating since; in fact it was an open relationship. No locks, right, and his freedom had taken away the most precious thing to him. He sighed and laughed to himself, it was awfully early in the morning to start wallowing in one’s troubles. He would have to wait till tonight to start on that binge. The apartment complex was pure filth, and Brian felt that he was degrading himself just by standing in front of the crumbling building. He couldn’t believe that Justin, his Justin, would reside in such a fiendish place. But, the pieces didn’t really fit, Justin looking as well as he did and then coming home to stay in this roach infested ghetto. No, something was definitely amiss. There was a large square on the side of the door, the names of the inhabitants posted in a fading script. Brian ran his finger over all the letters, feeling strangely sad all of a sudden. He hadn’t felt pity for a long time, especially for strangers that he had never met. These people were wasting away, in the alphabet apartments going up ten flights above him, and they were useless in their struggle to better their lives, to become something more than what they were. They would forever be labeled as the bottom, the filth and decay that was ruining this fair city, and Brian had never felt so much sympathy before in his life. He shook his head and turned back to the rotting square, eyeing a certain name. Ethan Gold, H-19. Ethan was still trying to sleep, to lessen the intense pain welling up inside of him, when Brian was making the long trek up to his tiny apartment. It seemed like forever since he had his last fix, since he had any money to get one. He was relying a lot on the kindness of strangers, and he could no longer afford John’s shit, he wasn’t making any money, barely enough to keep the hellhole he called home. He knew that around twelve, he would have to get up and stand in front of some corner, hoping that at least he would get some money out of it. He hated doing that, felt like he was selling himself short. And he had convinced himself that it was entirely Justin’s fault. A heavy knocking roused him from his thoughts and he slowly made his way to the door. “I paid the rent last week…you fucking bitch.” He murmured the last part, trying to spare himself at least a little of the wrath that his demented landlady hurled his way. It seemed the woman only lived to torment him. Ethan was shell-shocked when he opened the door to reveal who it really was. The self-righteous asshole that was coming a close second to being number one on his shit list. Ethan had a pretty good idea why he was here, looking for number one on that shit list. Ethan Gold smiled and felt the rush of power coming over his body. “What the hell do you want?” Brian smirked, realizing that this was not going to be an easy task. Apparently, the young Ethan thought he held all the cards, which of course was true. Brian, however, would be damned if he let that little dick think so. Ethan wasn’t expecting the hand that came up, closing around his throat, in the blink of an eye. Brian’s hand moved of its own accord and Brian didn’t even realize that it was clasped tightly around Ethan Gold’s throat, effectively cutting off the airflow to his brain. Brian looked around suddenly, hoping that no one was seeing the exchange. He then moved into the cramped apartment, shutting the door behind him, his hand still wrapped tightly around Ethan’s throat. “What…do you…think…you’re doing?” Ethan gasped out, his hands coming up trying to get rid of the threat, failing weakly. Brian smirked again, and pushed the young man towards what he thought might be called a living room. Ethan cried out and brought his hands to his injured throat, watching the man in front of him. He looked menacing and huge in the small apartment, and Ethan felt another wave of terror come over him. “I presume you know why I’m here, judging from the cocky greeting I got at the door. You think you’re holding something over me, Ethan? Guess again, little boy. Those track marks aren’t from giving blood are they?” Brian sneered at him, letting his disgust show on his face. Ethan stared at him defiantly. “You are a fine one to talk about addictions, aren’t you, Mr. Kinney?” Brian just smiled at his little comment. “We aren’t talking about me, are we Ethan? How long has it been since you spiked, eh? Judging from this mess I’m pretty sure that Justin has moved out. I’m right aren’t I?” Ethan’s silence spoke volumes to him. “You’ve run out of money, haven’t you? Have to bust your ass on corners, right? Just to make a lousy buck.” “It’s that fucking whore of yours fault!” Ethan screamed, standing up from his fallen position on the couch, “How fucking dare he, just fucking slip out of here? He was a fucking whore, sick of having to work his way through life, so he ran off to be some kept little boy!” Brian clenched his fists, trying to calm the anger that was running through his veins like fire, begging to be let loose upon the man that stood before him. “Just because Justin wasn’t up to making a living so he could keep you fucked up?” “He sold himself to that fucking John so he wouldn’t have to make a living. He’s probably spiking his veins as we speak. Your golden boy’s no fucking better than I am.” “You shut the fuck up.” Brian growled at him. Ethan smiled again; glad to have a little power over the threatening man. “What is it, Kinney, the truth hitting a little to close to home for your liking? I guess you taught him well.” Brian’s eyes sought out the musicians, and Ethan stepped back at the fury he saw there. “You’ve got one chance to tell me what I want to know.” “Fuck off.” “That was a mistake.” Brian was on the man in an instant, once again reclaiming his hold on his throat. Ethan’s eyes widened in panic and surprise, seriously underestimating the dangerous man. Ethan’s words invaded Brian’s brain, the images of Justin and this sickening man searing the blackness behind his eyelids. Brian’s fist didn’t even know it had been swung until it came in contact with the soft flesh of Ethan Gold. That one taste did not satisfy Brian’s hunger for vengeance. “Stop! Stop! He’s at that fucking dealer’s! At that fucking John’s!” Ethan half screamed, half gasped out. His hands came out trying to push Brian away from him. “Then tell me exactly where the fuck he is!” Brian’s hands moved from his throat to grip the thin cotton of his shirt, shaking the boy with his anger. “The corner of Third and Cooper, that big apartment building!” Brian’s eyes widened in shock, Justin was that close to him all this time. All this time, only blocks separated them? Brian pushed him away, revolted by the man. He had to get to Justin. But, before… “Ethan, if you ever come near Justin again. If you harm one fucking hair on that boy’s head, I will fucking kill you.” Ethan only nodded, too afraid to speak to the man standing before him, shaking with anger. And then he was gone. Justin woke up to an empty bed and would’ve smiled at the irony had he still not felt as bad as he had last night. He noticed for the first time that he had never been completely alone in the apartment up until now. He groaned and got up, heading to the bathroom for his morning urinal visit. The apartment was very quiet, and it gave Justin a slight pause. The quiet was actually very unnerving to him. He sighed and washed his hands. He walked out into the living room and winced at the amount of light that was coming in through the open windows. There was a note on the coffee table addressed to him, he smiled, who else would there be. Justin, had to go out today, business to attend to, Lovely. Should be back at around ten. I love you, John He looked at the name; no one had ever called him that before. He shrugged and put the note back down. He really didn’t feel like doing much of anything today, like much of the rest of last week. Actually, since he had left Ethan’s or maybe when he was still there, he couldn’t remember. Ah, life without a purpose. He found the Bose CD player of John’s located on the bar of his small kitchen. He grabbed his small case and pulled out a burned one and put it in. It was one that Daphne had made for him while he was in the hospital after the attack. God, he hadn’t talked to her in forever. But, he supposed that those things happen, people’s relationships fall apart, people themselves also. Wow, he was in a somber mood. The CD itself was rather mediocre, a lot of sappy songs he had felt heartwarming at the time. He skipped a lot of them, until finally settling on one. “Oh my God...” The soft melody played out, and Justin pressed repeat and fell back onto the couch. Hello… I’ve waited here for you ever long… He let out an anguished scream, whatever strength that was in him being driven out of his body with it. He looked at the mirror again, and immediately saw the light bruise on his right eye. “What have I done…” Justin quietly gasped; he couldn’t even hold up his own weight anymore and slid down onto the floor, futile at the attempts of grasping at the steel cabinets. He was slipping, falling, falling. He looked up and saw the smears of his own blood staring back at him. Oh god, there was so much of it. So much of it surrounded him, it was all over the place, oh God, and John was going to kill him. A fresh batch of tears gathered in his eyes. He sobbed as he lay in the floor, the strength seeping from his body. He was so fucking stupid, but he couldn’t remember…didn’t know how he had made it here. Couldn’t remember how that sudden since of dread and pain and self-loathing washed over him and swallowed him despite all his protests. He had felt so low, it was that fucking song, he smiled and groaned. It had reminded him of Brian so much that an ache so horrible had attacked him with a force unrecognizable. It had torn him open and made him analyze just exactly what he had done, instead of sleeping it away; he was suddenly faced with the grim reality of the situation. He had given up on them; he had let them go, for a few words…his world was over. He remembered how he had found the blade John used to cut the drugs with, he had screamed after wards, his eyes on the deep cuts, watching the blood ooze out of his body…delirious with the pain…how he had…everything was getting fuzzy…he couldn’t…couldn’t say…