Justin had enjoyed his life with John thus far, even though it had only been a week. There was no work to attend; John had insisted that he quit his job working nights. No suffering and sacrificing. John had made his stay here as comfortable as possible, and he planned on making that stay last as long as possible. This boy was very interesting and beautiful, just what John had needed all this time. He had asked Justin a lot of questions since his arrival. Questions he couldn’t ask when the boy was still with that insufferable musician. He had found out a lot of things about his dear Justin, about the boy’s coming out and his near brush with death. John had also learned about the man that the boy had been intensely in love with and as far as John could tell, still was. John had learned about the infamous Brian Kinney at long last. Justin laughed at his knowledge, murmuring about his reputation preceding him sometimes. For a moment John had doubted the boy’s stay here, and whether he would be able to ever fully understand just why Justin was here. He had asked the boy and he merely shrugged, telling him it doesn’t really matter because he was here now. John knew it was dangerous to fall for such a gorgeous creature so soon into the game, but he hadn’t felt this way in a long time and he enjoyed the feeling too much to let it go again. John had ‘visitors’ during the week, more than Justin expected, but when he did Justin would move to the top floor and slip on the Discman that he had brought from Ethan’s and drown away the rest of the world. He could pretend that he was somewhere else, with someone else and be oblivious about the world that he was submerging into. Justin decided he could let himself pretend for a few hours that he hadn’t made all the bad choices and was paying for the consequences right now. After the ‘visitors’ would go, John would come up and lay with him on the magnificent bed and wrap himself so tightly around Justin. And to the shock of them both, that first night that Justin had come to stay with him, he had made the first move on John, who was very surprised he would want to do anything at all. He didn’t question Justin’s motive, but just took his seduction in stride. John had fallen asleep soon after, and had resolved to start a membership with a gym to keep up with the young boy. After he knew that John had drifted into a deep sleep, Justin moved from the bed and stepped into a steaming hot shower. The shower at John’s apartment was not so different from the one at Brian’s and that made him scrub all the harder. He had scoured and blasted every part of his body that John had touched. He seriously thought that he had taken a layer of skin off of his most precious parts, but that didn’t matter. He hadn’t felt this way with Ethan, and it surprised him to feel this way with John. Justin knew why, though, this was a new form of slavery. He would look forward to many more of these hot showers, until he could stand to let John touch him. He just had to not think about it so much…John wasn’t ugly…he wasn’t unkind or cruel. In fact, if Justin hadn’t felt so self destructive, he could believe that John was everything he had hoped for. Whatever it was, he hoped that the feeling would go away soon. The days had gone by a lot slower the next week, when all there was to do was lounge around the huge apartment and watch John type furiously on his laptop. John had been doing this since Justin first arrived to the exclusive apartment and gone to take a light nap. He was awoken by John’s spontaneous clicking noises, and then they were incessant, like he had finally gotten out what he needed to. Justin had sleepily moved downstairs, sitting at the bottom step until John took notice of him. He smiled slyly at him. “It’s finally happening Justin. I’m finally finishing what I started eleven years ago.” John had got up, stretched his aching joints, and moved to where Justin was perched. The boy looked up at him, beautiful blue eyes hidden by fluttering lashes. Inspiration was striking again, but John resisted the urge to go to his computer and start typing. “I’m happy, John.” The boy smiled, although the smile did not quite reach his eyes John had fully returned it. “Me, too.” John had squatted next to him, enveloping the smaller man in a hug that almost dragged him into his lap. Justin had laughed a quiet laugh and situated himself more fully on John’s lap. “So, what are you writing about?” Justin asked him quietly. “You.” It was that simple answer that scared the boy so much. He was now lying on the brocade chaise and watching John, who had once again reclaimed his seat in front of the small computer. Justin caught John’s glimpses that came his way followed by a shy smile. Justin had returned the small smile and lay back on the chaise staring through the open windows. Justin liked being someone’s muse. And for a little while he let himself be adored and worshiped by the man sitting a few feet away from him. He supposed this was how Brian might have felt when Justin would make him sit for him hours on end, working tirelessly on trying to capture Brian’s exact likeness on the heavy unlined paper. “Justin?” Justin didn’t notice that John was no longer typing, but crouching in front of him. To John it was one of the most beautiful sights in his life; Justin sprawled across the antique chaise, the sunlight that was filtering through the now always-open windows splashing across his skin. And then Justin would smile at him and he thought that his heart had stopped in his chest. He could honestly say that he had never seen anyone quite as beautiful as the boy that was sitting before him now. It amazed him that Justin was so healthy after only two weeks. Justin was merely skin and bones when he had arrived on John’s doorstep. John had let the boy rest, finally, and gave him the space he needed. The first couple of days, all the boy did was sleep and eat and fuck. He would lie, all spread out on his giant bed for hours. John had played the good little nurse until Justin had had enough and angrily got out of bed, demanding to know if John was happy. John had laughed and said ‘yes’. The next couple of hours Justin sulked around the apartment, like a caged tiger. John had merely laughed. John had handed him a worn out jacket that the boy had brought with him. When Justin looked at him, his head cocked and eyebrow arched, John had said that he needed clothes sometime or the other. Justin nodded and slipped on the jacket and followed John down to the elevator and out the door. Justin had not pulled his hand out, as John had feared, when John grasped it within his own. They went to the exclusive shops on the upper side of the town. Very expensive shops littered the small street, ending with the most expensive of them all at the apex. Justin smiled to himself. He was really kept now, and they had thought Brian was his ‘sugar daddy’. They’d be very surprised to see him, trailing along behind John, watching the few men and women who were on the sidewalk. John had looked back and smiled before heading into the first shop of the day. John had spared no expense in this little shopping venture. He hated the clothes that Justin had been wearing around the house, when he did decide to wear clothes. So Justin had went along with all of John’s suggestions, as if he were John’s own little doll, to do what he wanted to with, at any time. Justin smiled again. No pullovers, FCUK shirts, sneakers. John had done away with it all and molded Justin to what he thought he should be. A beautiful, mysterious, nonchalant young man who was just as dangerous to look at, as well as, to touch. “Do you want to go out? It must be killing you to stay here, after all, you’ve been cooped up in this place for two weeks now.” Justin had looked back out the window after acknowledging to John that he had heard him. The sun was setting beyond the concrete and steel that surrounded John’s apartment in every direction. Justin had lain there content, allowing the sun to bathe him in it’s light until John had come over to talk to him. “Where do you want to go?” John had smiled a smile that could rival his own at its brightest. “How about out to dinner?” John reached down and took Justin’s hand within his own. As he was patiently waiting for Justin’s reply, he stroked the pronounced veins on the boy’s hand. Going lower and lower, until he came in contact with the bracelet Justin had asked him to buy last week when they went on their little shopping venture. He didn’t see the bracelet as very pretty, but Justin had stopped in his tracks when he saw it sitting with the rest of the jewelry that was in this season. This was the only thing that whole day that Justin had asked him to buy. John looked closer at the bracelet on Justin’s wrist, it was black leather with a row of cowry shells going across the front, with steady ties on the back that the sales woman had promised would last for quite sometime. The woman at the counter also said that the bracelet was an import from Africa and the shells were handpicked. John really didn’t believe her but the look in Justin’s eye had made him buy the bracelet. Justin looked down at him and smiled, tickling John’s arm with his fingers. “That sounds nice.” “Okay. We can go to this excellent little Mediterranean place; I don’t think it’s too far from here. I’ll call while you get ready.” John said as he stood up and moved over to his desk again. Justin nodded his head slowly, although he knew John wasn’t even paying attention to him anymore. All he wanted to do at that moment was to lie back, and watch the sky turn dark again. He groused himself from his depressing mood, put a small smile on his face, got up and headed towards the shower. It had taken Justin little time to get ready. John had taken him to a stylist a few days ago and had gotten his shaggy hair cut to a sleek style. He had fixed it the way John had liked, and moved towards the bedroom that was on the other side of the apartment. The unmade bed was in the center of the very large bedroom. The bedroom was so unlike the one that he had once spent countless hours in, but for some eerie reason, it still seemed common. The bed was chrome with high bars reaching up towards the ceiling of the room. The walls that surrounded the room were a turquoise blue, reminding him of a beautiful tide just coming in. Justin couldn’t contemplate the similarities and differences because at that moment John had sidled up to him, pressing his whole body against Justin’s. Justin leaned back against him and closed his eyes. “I laid your clothes out on the bed. You know how good you look in those pants.” He felt John’s radiant smile on the base of his neck, the feel of his hands caressing the skin just under his bracelet. Justin noticed that it was almost becoming a habit for him. “Thanks.” John murmured a ‘your welcome’ before leaving to take care of his own shower. Justin opened his eyes slowly, taking in his appearance in the huge mirror beside the bed. He suddenly frowned. What was he becoming? Had he just been relaxed and calm in John’s arms? He knew that he didn’t love John, at least not how John would want him too. John had never said what the real aspects of their relationship were. That somehow, John could love him. Justin hoped he never would. “Are you gonna stay, or have you played yourself out?” Michael questioned from his place beside Brian. He was once again sitting in a corner at Woody’s drowning his sorrow in a straight up Jim Beam. “Never” Brian hissed, showing teeth. "I have yet to even begin to play tonight." Michael cocked his eyebrow towards Brian, who was quietly laughing at his own joke. It was common knowledge that after Justin had left Brian, that he had hit the clubs with a vengeance. Michael was extremely worried about his best friend, who was then fucking anything with two legs and a dick. But, then the cloud had somewhat lifted and Brian had kept the tricking down to a minimum. Maybe, he thought, Brian was finally realizing that he couldn’t keep living this way. But, instead of tricking he had started working, then started drinking, then tricking again. It was a vicious cycle that seemed to be on a heavy rotation. “Couldn’t find a willing partner?” Ted asked as he returned beside them. “That’s the point Theodore. Too willing. I’ve already had every one here.” Yep. Brian was extremely smashed and depressed and about ten other psychological terms that could be added to that list. Michael shook his head, trying to find a good excuse to get Brian out of here, and back to the safety of his loft. “We should get going Brian.” Michael said weakly and hoped Brian’s drug addled brain would just give in. “You can go, I’m having too much fun here.” “Yeah. Whoo! The fun, watching you sit there and get fucked up out of your mind - - again.” “You don’t have to stay here then!” Brian slammed the glass down, turning a lethal stare onto his best friend. “Brian, come on, please.” Michael sighed clutching at Brian’s sleeve. “Fine.” He said it barely above a whisper and Michael had to strain to hear it, but he had caught the faint surrender. “We’ll see you guys later.” It had taken a lot out of him to drag Brian out of the Jeep and into his apartment. He let Brian collapse on his unmade bed, asleep before his head hit the pillow. If Michael was extremely maudlin when he smoked weed, Brian was just as much so when he drank. And the only time that Brian got drunk was when something was hurdled his way that he couldn’t automatically handle. He knew Brian was still reeling from the whole Justin break-up fiasco, which he and Ted had deemed with Emmett. Michael had brought himself forth to be accountable for some of the blame, and had told Brian so. He couldn’t reach Justin…or Justin didn’t want him to reach him. Maybe the boy needed time, he had heard some pretty bad things about Justin these last couple of months, but he would be damned if he would let anything slip to Brian again. Live and let live. Instead he had spilled the hear-say to Emmett, telling him that was exactly what is was, just some gay grapevine going around, nothing for sure. Michael sighed and wished his brain to stop psychoanalyzing his best friend and his estranged lover as he made his way out of the apartment, locking the door as he left. Brian was in a sea of warmth, a comfortable zone where no one could hurt him. He could see many images floating around behind his eyelids. Of a lost boy looking for a home, of a man offering him his heart just so it could meld with his, both being destroyed together. He dreamed of beautiful sunsets and love that would heal any wound that he would attain. He dreamed of a blue eyed boy, beautiful in the sunlight streaming from behind him, asking him to come, come, come… A relentless knocking roused him from the haven that was his dreams. It felt like he had been on death’s doorstep and was just now returning to life. It looked like the struggle would be hard and painful. His binges were almost becoming too much for him. He wearily made his way down to the door, trying to gather enough strength to open and unlock it. “What the fuck do you want?” Brian growled at the man in front of him. “To be adored by millions of homosexuals – oh wait I am.” Emmett drawled, pushing past Brian to get into his apartment. Brian held his breath and counted to ten, willing himself not to kill the queen that had just entered his loft uninvited. “Brian, you really should shut the door, God knows who could wonder in here unannounced.” Emmett’s face broke into a huge smile that suddenly dropped when Brian turned around, slamming the door shut behind him. “Okay, I’ll repeat it again. What. The. Fuck. Do. You. Want?” Brian seethed, standing tensely just inside of his apartment. Emmett shook his head, and crooked his finger at Brian beckoning him to join him. Emmett moved to the small living room that Brian had, knowing that the man was trailing behind him. It seemed these days; Brian really didn’t have any fight left in him at all. “Brian, we’re all worried about you-” Emmett raised his hand up, silencing the man before he could even have the chance to speak, “even though you try damn hard just to prove to us that you are an un-feeling monster who doesn’t need anything or anyone to survive. And you have done a pretty good job of convincing us before ‘it happened’,” Emmett raised his hands up to air quote the term, “Now, I think you’re just trying to learn how to survive again.” Brian remained silent for a moment. He had to admit that Emmett had, unimaginably, the world’s toughest balls to say these things to him. But, he always knew that Emmett had always been the gutsiest one in the gang. He even rivaled Brian’s own sense of honesty. And in this moment of weakness that he could blame on the hangover later, Emmett was right. “Brian, I know that you’re hurt and it’s amazing that you’ve held it in this long. No one expects you to just carry this with you forever. You both hurt each other deeply, emotional scars that could take a long time to heal.” “Emmett, every one expects me to hold this in. They’d piss in their pants if these hypothetical ‘feelings’ came out. And that’s what they are Emmett, hypothetical. They don’t exist.” Brian sounded so sure when he said these words, trying to convince an unconvincing audience. “Sure, whatever. Brian, you were the last to know that you loved that boy. And you fought it tooth and nail to the very end. You finally got your wish, he’s left you, and you’re free to do whatever the hell you want. Why are you so damn unhappy?” Emmett demanded. “I am happy.” “Bullshit. You miss that kid, a hell of a lot.” “Fine! You want to hear the truth. I miss him, okay? I –” Brian paused mid shout and realized what he had almost revealed, it didn’t matter. Emmett’s eyes had lit up and he knew anyway. Brian sunk back down onto the couch, defeated. “Brian?” Brian looked away and closed his eyes. When he reopened them they were staring out the windows, the shades pulled up, the darkness creeping it’s way into the spacious loft. “Emmett, I could never care about anyone the way I cared about him. The way I still do.” Brian’s quiet revelation seemed to echo off the walls, hitting Emmett from all directions. Emmett was surprised that Brian had decided to give so much of himself away. Both knew however, that fact would never leave this room. “That’s why Brian. That’s why you can’t continue to do this to yourself, to him, to the people that love and care about you. You’re destroying yourself. Justin loves you just as much as you…care about him. But, you both have a long way to go, tough roads that must be traveled to reach that final destination. You both have to respect and trust and love each other. You can’t have anything without that.” “I know.” Well, that was as close to a reaction he as expected from Brian Kinney. But, it didn’t faze Emmett in the slightest, he knew Brian would listen to him and hear him out. He wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know about himself. No matter, how deep he buried it within. “He does still love you Brian, more than you’ll ever know.” And with that Emmett had quietly left the loft, left Brian to wallow in his bittersweet memories and to gain some hope for the future. Dinner out with John wasn’t quite what he expected although he was thoroughly entertained by the time they arrived back at the large apartment. He had noticed for the first time just how nice the elevator was, even if he couldn’t see all that much of it. He and John had drunk the night away in a small candlelit corner in the lovely restaurant, and they had tipsied their way back into the building and the elevator. The elevator man gave them an amused look, a small twinkle in his eyes that Justin barely saw and turned his back to them. John was laughing, and he could feel the hot tuffs of breath all over his skin. John had his arms wrapped around him; he seemed to always wind them around the boy when they would leave the sanctuary of the apartment. John simply couldn’t help himself. “You are so beautiful.” John breathed in his ear. Justin smiled, relaxed with the drinks from the evening. “I love you…” John sighed, and Justin froze.