For All Time Interlude #8 By: Acacia (Oh) Let the sun fall down all around you Let the night surround you in a blanket of starlight I'll whisper you a lullaby Let the sun fall down That old dark cloud acts like he knows you He takes up too much time, time you could be spending holding me But he can't have you now It's you and me here in this room Let the Sun Fall Down by Kim Richey Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. *Brian* I get off the plane and immediately start to look for Marsha. When I called her this morning, she told me that she would be picking me up. Evidently Justin wanted to talk to the gang today, and she would be there for a while, and then come and get me. She wanted to allow him some time alone with them. Of course I’m pissed. Why the fuck she’s leaving Justin alone with them is beyond me. She knows the hell he went through when he was still living here. Of course I have to remember that this is Justin we’re talking about, and that does make me feel a little nervous. When I talked to Justin last night, I could almost tell that he was different. Something within him had changed with the news. It was like he was the same little twink who had captured my heart two years ago. He was the same kid who was so determined to have me that he would do anything in order to prove to me that we belonged together. Fuck! I am happy that the old determination is back, but I am also afraid of what the outcome of this will be. Justin is strong. There is no doubt about that in my mind, but he has also been through a lot of shit these past couple of years, and to have this happen. . . I don’t know what this will do to him. When Justin called me that night, after he had found out what was wrong – I had to stop myself from getting in the car, or chartering a plane to get here. If it wasn’t for Marsha telling me that he needed to do this on his own, for his own sake, then I would have. It kills me that he needs to do this alone, but I’ll make sure that he knows I am there for him. Of course, if there is anything I can do without him knowing about it, I will do it. She told me that this would be a test for him, and if he is going to get through it, he needs to feel like he is doing it on his own. He needs to feel that he is strong enough to handle something like this, without the help of others. Of course I’ll make sure to let him know that he can ask for help if it gets too much for him, and for MY sake, my sanity, he’d better. It’s almost like the past two years have been a test, a trial run. This is the real deal. Justin has felt out of sorts since the bashing, and I understand. He has felt like he has had to rely on everyone else for things, and he needs to feel that he is able to be strong. From what I understand, he was actually starting to feel strong enough last year, but that was before the accident. With his current . . .disabilities . . . fuck I hate that word! With his current problems, he needs to feel like he can do something for someone else, help someone else. And I’ll let him have that. I’ll let Justin feel that he is able to handle this on his own. . . but he’s going to know that I’m there for him. Justin will take care of his mom, and Molly, but I’m not going to just sit around and let him do it alone. Fuck that! No, I’m going to make sure that the others stay the fuck away. Let Justin handle what he needs to handle, but I will not allow anyone else to try and tell him what to do, what should happen, or hell, what he should be feeling. No, I know Justin. Justin will try and keep a strong, brave front with everyone. He will not allow his emotions to overtake him. The damn kid is like that. . . I did learn that with the bashing and the accident. Justin would always show a brave front with everyone, never letting them know when he was upset, but luckily I was almost always able to get past that, and allow him to let it out. No, the others will not say word fucking one to him about anything. When I feel he’s ready is when we can let them in, but not a second sooner. I will not let them hurt him anymore. I see Marsha and head over to her. “Where is he?” “He’s still at Melanie and Lindsey’s. He told me to come and get you,” she said with a slight smile. Just the thought of him alone there scares the shit out of me. I was fine with him being there as long as one of us was with him, but now he’s there alone. They’d better not say word one to him or there will be hell to pay. “He’s holding up well, all things considered. . .but Brian,” she begins. I look over to her and we both know what needs to be done. Justin needs to let it out, he needs a break. I nod, knowing what needs to be done. Tonight, I’ll send Marsha away so that Justin and I can be alone. Tonight Justin and I need to escape reality for a while, especially after he’s been there with all of them. . . alone. Damn, I know they mean well, but they don’t know what they do to him. They don’t see the scars that their ‘help’ has given him over the years. They have never seen the bleeding wounds that their ‘help’ has left him with. They just don’t realize any of it, and that’s what pisses me off the most. They don’t realize what all their help, supposed help, has done to that beautiful young man. They don’t realize that their help is why he ran away. I know they believe that they were trying to protect me, but all they did was almost destroy the both of us. They believe that they were helping us realize things all along, but all they did was make things worse. “Let’s get over there,” I tell her. I am NOT leaving him here alone. Justin is never to be alone again. . .not if I can help it. *********** I walk into the muncher’s house, and immediately seek out Justin. I can almost see the relief in his eyes as he looks up at me, and I know I made the right decision. I know he said he wanted to handle this alone, and that I should wait for him at the loft, but we don’t always get what we want. To hell with that shit. Justin needs me, and I’m not going to let him down. I sit down on the arm of the chair, pulling Justin hand into my own, and look out over the group. Silently I’m telling them to leave him the fuck alone, to stay the fuck out of it. For their sake I hope they understand. “So anyway, everything is basically set, and all we can do is wait,” Justin says, finishing whatever he was telling them before I came in. I know I’ll get the whole thing from him later, and at least with me he won’t have to hide his feelings. Just hearing his voice right now, so empty of emotions, scares the hell out of me. He’s hiding it from the others, and I silently curse them for allowing it to get this far. Justin is a part of this family, and he should be allowed to feel. But they have made him feel isolated instead of welcomed. They have allowed him to WANT to stay closed off from them, and this will definitely be fixed before we go home. I will not let this continue. “Is there anything we can do, sweetie?” Deb asks. I try not to let my anger show. . .for Justin’s sake. I mean I know they mean well. . .they really do care about him. But dammit where the hell were they when he needed them before? No, don’t think about that right now. I can’t ruin this for Justin; I’ll just have to deal with the fallout later. “Mel has already taken care of everything that I need legally, and Molly is taken care of. Mom has her doctor’s appointments, and everything is already set. There’s nothing else to be done now except wait. Wait to see what will happen.” I close my eyes as I hear him talk. Just hearing him talk about this like it was a project at work or something is tearing me apart. I now know the full extent of what he feels, and what he feels he can’t share with anyone here. I hate that things are so bad that he feels he can’t share things with these people, this family – our family. I guess a part of me is finally realizing the full extent of the hurt he went through last year. What they did – or didn’t do, in this case – to him. A part of me wishes that I hadn’t let them off the hook as much as I did. “Can we do something to help you? Help with Molly? Anything?” Michael asks. I can say I am shocked that Michael is offering to help Justin. Maybe our talk a couple of months ago helped him realize that Justin isn’t going to go away. I am grateful that Mikey is trying, but I know that Justin will only see it as him trying to interfere again. I know how Justin’s mind works. “Thanks, but there’s nothing anyone can do right now. Mom and Molly are spending the weekend together, and all anyone can do right now, as I said, is wait. If I need help, I’ll let you guys know. But Molly and Mom will be fine,” Justin answers. “What about you, Sweetie?” Deb asks. A part of me is just waiting for the explosion. Just waiting for Justin to let loose on all of them. He has been hiding his feelings from all of them for so long, and I know. . . a person can only take so much. Justin can only take so much. “I’ll be fine, Deb. Really. Brian’s here, and everything will be taken care of. Don’t worry about anything. I’m fine.” And I know he’s not. Not by a long shot. ************** *Lindsey* I pulled Brian off into the kitchen so we can talk. I don’t want the others to listen in, I guess. When I was down there visiting him and Justin, I had learned a lot, especially in the day I spent with Marsha. Justin was really hurt by our interfering before he left, by our attitude toward him. I don’t blame him; I tried to be kind to him, I did. And I’m glad that he thought I was one of the ones who cared. . .but it was hard. I know how much his leaving hurt Brian. We did cover a lot of ground between us during my visit. Justin and I had a long talk, and we have gotten closer than we ever were. I know that this is just killing him, and instead of saying anything in front of the others, I need to talk to them alone. It’s up to the others to try and repair their relationship with them, especially with Justin. If I can, I know they can as well. But now is not the time to try and bring it up. Now is the time to be there for Justin, Jennifer, and Molly. I need them to know that I’m here, for anything. Brian leans against the counter by the sink, his eyes not leaving the scene in the living room. He’s keeping an eye out, making sure that no one hurts Justin anymore. I know he will do anything in his power to protect Justin, even if it means fighting us. “Marsha’s out there. She won’t let anything happen,” I tell him, standing next to him and placing my hand on his arm. “I know,” is all he says. “Bri, I just wanted you to know, and if you can let Justin know, I’m here. If you need anything, anything at all,” I tell him in a quiet voice. “Justin knows, Lindz. But I’ll make sure he remembers.” We just continue to look out at the living room, and I can see the sad looks on everyone’s faces. The only other one in that room, well two people actually, who Justin would accept help from besides Marsha, are Emmett and Vic. Everyone else, unfortunately, still has a long way to go. It makes me wonder if we will ever be the same again. Will we ever be that close family that we were years ago? Before…? Before what, I don’t know, really. Before Justin came into our lives – no, I know that isn’t right. Justin helped bring us closer together. He helped Brian open up, he helped Brian realize he could love. Before the Prom? I don’t know. I want to believe that what happened actually brought us closer together. It made us all realize that the only ones we had were ourselves, our family. Before the ‘Rage Party’? Yes. I know for a fact that it was that moment in which we all chose sides. The only thing we didn’t realize was that there were no sides to take. None of us saw the real reason behind anything that happened. It was our fault, not Justin’s. We didn’t see the pain he was in; we didn’t care enough. So I guess the real problem, the real change, did happen after the Prom. We all just wanted to forget, to push what had happened under the rug, and forget about it, and move on like it never happened. Except it did. And Justin suffered for it. Now, Justin needs us more than ever. He won’t admit it, and we can’t push him. But it’s true. He needs us, even if it is just to sit there and hold his hand, to take Molly to school. I don’t know if he will accept it, but that is what we need to do. I turn my attention back to Brian and I can see the worry lines across his face. Jennifer has been like a mother to him lately. The two have gotten closer in the past year, and I’m grateful that they have. Now, not only is Justin having to deal with the possible loss of his mother, but so is Brian. “How are you holding up?” I ask. Justin isn’t the only one that we need to help. “Shouldn’t you be worrying about Justin? I’m fine, Lindz,” he says, still not looking at me. “Bri, I know you, remember,” I say with a small smile. I see him roll his eyes, and I know that he knows. “I’m just saying that if YOU need to talk, or if you need a break, let me know. . .I’m here.” Brian closes his eyes, and I know he understands. He knows that I can see past his walls and see the real pain he’s in. “I can’t promise, Lindz. Justin needs me.” “And he’ll have you. I have no doubt about that. No one here knows what the two of you have gone through down there, what you’ve accomplished. But I have seen the two of you together, Brian. . . I know. I’ve seen it. You love each other, and it’s the type of love that is forever.” I reach up and begin to rub his shoulder, hoping to ease some of the tension in his shoulders. “And you love Jennifer. This isn’t just happening to Justin, it’s happening to the both of you. What happens to one, happens to the other. That’s what relationships are all about. The rest of our family won’t understand, ‘cause they haven’t seen it, they haven’t seen you and Justin together. I have. Just promise me, that if it gets too much, that you’ll come to me. Justin needs you strong for him, so that he can be strong for everyone else. But you need a break too, Bri. Let me help you, so that you . . . so that we can help Justin. Please,” I beg. I don’t want to see Brian lose it. If Jennifer doesn’t make it, if something happens and they can’t get all of the cancer, it will kill Justin and, in effect, Brian as well. I can’t let that happen. I won’t. Brian looks at me, and gives me a small smile. “I will.” ************** *Deb* I can’t believe this. . .Jennifer has cancer. Breast cancer. Who’s writing this stuff anyway. Hasn’t that family been through enough? I mean, after everything they have been through since Justin came out, haven’t they had enough drama, enough pain in their lives? A part of me wants to take Sunshine into my arms and just hold him, protect him from all the horrors that are around. But I know that I can’t. From what everyone tells me, he just doesn’t trust us anymore. He doesn’t feel safe with us. Damn, how did things get this bad? How did my family get so torn apart? And poor Jennifer. She’s a strong woman, there is no doubt in my mind about that. Yeah, so she made some mistakes, but what mother hasn’t? They care for their kids, and want to do right by them. No mother wants to admit that their kid is grown up. No mother wants to admit at first that their kid is gay. But she has pulled through it all, with her head held high. She is one tough cookie, I tell you. But Justin. . .well I admit, we all fucked up where Sunshine is concerned. We were all too blinded by our own needs, our own wants, to see what was really going on. We let him down, and I, for one, am going to fix it. I hate to see Sunshine like this. He seems so far away, almost like those damn doctors were when he was in the hospital. I remember that old TV show ‘Dragnet’. ‘Just the facts, ma’am.’ Just the facts, my ass. There’re other things to consider here, and it has not a damn thing to do with facts. It has to deal with people, real people with real fucking feelings. Fuck the facts. “Sunshine,” I say. I want to see some emotion reflected in his eyes. Something that tells me he’s there. ‘Cause let me tell you, he seems like he’s not here at all. His body is here, but he might as well be back down there in fucking Atlanta for all intents and purposes. His blue eyes just don’t hold the same sparkle that I know. His smile – I miss that smile – isn’t lighting up the room like I loved. No, this man before me is nothing like the Sunshine I remember. And it’s all our fault. We pushed him away, and now we are seeing the effects, feeling them. “I’m not going to say that you should come to us if you need anything, ‘cause I know we have no right. . .” “Mom,” I hear Michael and some of the others start to object. “Shut the fuck up. You know I’m right,” I say to them. I want to fix this . . . and unfortunately in doing so I need to admit our own fuck-ups. “Now what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted. I know we have no right, but I want you to know that we’re here, and we do love you. We were wrong before, and nothing can make up for what we did. . .” “Deb,” Justin begins. I watch as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. I saw the first signs of the old Sunshine reflected there before he closed his eyes. But when he opened them again, that little spark was gone. It will take a lot of work, I know it will. “I don’t want to talk about any of that right now. Okay? I’m here because of my mom, nothing else. Nothing else. I know that you all want to help, but frankly, I’m sick of all your fucking help.” I hear Justin’s voice rise a little with each thing he says. Boy, did I just open a can of worms. “You all think you fucking know everything. You don’t know shit!” I watch Justin’s anger build. As much as his words hurt, I know that he needs to say them. He needs to get this out; we need to get this out. But I just hope that we can all come out of this with our hearts in one piece. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Brian rush out of the kitchen with Lindsey close behind. Where Justin’s eyes were blank, Brian’s reflect pure anger, pure rage. It suddenly makes me wonder if I had made a mistake. “What the fuck is going on here?” he asks us. “Justin?” “All you guys have ever done is ‘help.’ Well I don’t need your type of help. You think you know what’s going on. . .you think you know what should happen, who’s right, who’s wrong. You don’t know SHIT! I don’t need your type of help. Not now, not fucking ever!” Justin is like I have never seen him before. His eyes show anger and his body is tense. It looks like he’s ready to strike. “Alright,” I say. I know that it’s not alright. I don’t know if it ever will be, but I want it to be. “Stop it,” Justin continues. I watch as Brian lays a hand on his shoulder, and for once I am glad that Brian is there for Justin. “Don’t fucking treat me like I’m a child. I’m not. I know what needs to be done, and I’m going to do it. I don’t need your fucking help. I came here to tell you ‘cause I know you care about my Mom, but don’t fucking patronize me, don’t think you know what I feel. What I’m thinking. You have no clue. You never have.” “Justin,” Brian says quietly. I feel as if my heart has just been ripped out of my chest. I look around the room, and see similar looks on the others. I ask myself again how in the hell did we get here? How did we let things get so fucked up? How in the world could we have failed Justin? “We’re out of here,” Brian tells us. I sit there and watch as Brian, Justin, and Marsha make their way toward the door. “I’m sorry,” is the only thing I can say. I know that they can’t hear me, but I feel like I have to say it. “I’m so sorry,” I can feel the tears falling down my face. How could we have been so stupid? Brian comes back in and looks at all of us, his rage barely contained. He just stands there looking at each of us, biting his lip. “Until further notice, if one of you wants to see Justin, you go through me. Is that understood?” “But Brian,” Michael begins. I want to just slap him upside the head. Now is not the time. As much as I love my son, and I know he means well, but his timing sucks. “We care about him too, you know,” Mel adds. As much as I agree with them, I have to think, do we really care that much? If we did, then we wouldn’t be in the position we are now. We would’ve helped when Justin NEEDED our help. We would’ve been there for him all along. Like Brian has. “You are to go through me,” Brian reiterated. “No questions asked. He doesn’t need this shit right now. When I feel it’s time, then we can all sit down and talk about this shit. . .but NOT until then. You will NOT talk to him unless myself, or Marsha, are there. Is that understood?” “We understand, Sweetie,” I say. Brian is right. We have no right to try and fix things now. We have to work to get back into Justin’s life . . . into their lives. “Just please let him know that we love him, and we want to try.” Brian looks down at me and nods his head. He turns and kisses Gus on the cheek, and heads out the door. We have a long way to go, but I know we will get there. It will just take time. And I, for one, will do what I have to do. ************** *Justin* We didn’t stay much longer at Mel and Lindsey’s house, and frankly I don’t know how much more I could’ve taken. I was beginning to feel the walls close in on me, and the only thing that was grounding me was Brian. For once I am glad that he didn’t listen to me, and decided to come to the house. We dropped Marsha off at my mom’s, since I know that she can do the most good there. Mom and Molly will need her tonight, and truthfully, I just need to be alone with Brian. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I am so scared. I know I lost it with everyone. I know that I broke my own rule and let everything out. I don’t know what came over me. “Tired?” Brian asks as we sit down on the couch. I can only nod in response. I feel so fucking drained that I can’t even move. I feel Brian reach over and pull me into his arms. We move to lie down, and I just curl myself against his body, wanting this nightmare to be over. “You don’t have to be strong for me, Justin. You know that. I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. Don’t hide behind the walls with me. . .please. Let me help you.” “I’m so scared, Bri. I don’t want to lose my Mom,” I tell him. I feel the tears begin to build, and for the first time in days I allow them to fall. I don’t have to be strong for Brian, we don’t have to be strong for each other. We just need to be there for each other. That’s all. “Talk to me,” he whispers against the top of my head. “I didn’t mean to lose it there, Bri. I didn’t. . . I don’t know what came over me,” I admit. I don’t know what came over me, I really don’t. One minute, I’m fine – the walls are intact - the next it’s like a wildfire. “Justin, you’re allowed to be mad. You’re allowed to strike out. You need to. They need to know what you’re feeling, and what they’ve done. All you can do now, is just . . . I don’t know, just go with what you’re feeling. Don’t hold back, don’t second guess yourself. No matter what, I’ll be here for you. I love you, and you can’t get rid of me that easily.” I just lay there, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and I feel all the fight drain out of me. I feel safe, loved, strong. “I love you too, Bri. Thank you. . . for being here for me, for my Mom.” Brian wraps his arms tighter around me, and I feel better than I have in days. “I’ll always be there. . . I’m not going anywhere.” And I believe him. ************ TBC.