Part 8 of For All Time By: Acacia Last night I had a crazy dream a wish was granted just for me it could be for anything I didn't ask for money or a mansion in Malibu I simply wished for one more day with you! One more day, one more time one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied but then again, I know what it would do Leave me wishing still for one more day with you one more day........... One More Day With You by Diamond Rio Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. *Justin* Why? It’s getting late, and instead of getting ready for bed, doing homework, or making dinner for when Brian comes home, I can only sit here on the couch and stare at the phone. I feel as if everything just stopped – the world just came to an end. I know something is wrong, but what, I don’t know. And that scares me to no end. Can I do it? Can I go back? Even if only to see my mother,and find out what’s going on. Can I go back to that town? The very place that everything went so wrong? No matter what, I know I have to; I have to know what is going on. When I got home, my Mom called me. She seemed distracted, sad. I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she couldn’t tell me over the phone, she wanted me to come home for a while. Come home. . . Fuck! What am I going to do? Can I face all of them? What is wrong with my Mom? I wonder if my dad did something, said something. Is he trying to take Molly away from my Mom, and she feels she needs to see me? Is something wrong with Grandma? All of these thoughts are running through my head, and there are no answers. No, there are answers, I just have to go back there to find them. Which leads me back to the question of whether or not I can actually do it. If I knew that I wouldn’t have to see any of them, wouldn’t have to talk to them, I think I could do it. . . but with my luck lately, I know that it is an exercise in futility. No, I will undoubtedly see them; I will have to talk to them. I will have to deal with everything that I have tried to push away into the deep recesses of my mind for the past year. It’s time to face the facts, the past. Shaking my head, I dial the number for reservations. It’s now or never, Justin. Quit being a fucking drama princess and face the facts. Fuck, why is this so hard? “Yeah, I need to find out when your next available flight to Pittsburgh is.” After getting the information, I don’t even bother to reserve the ticket yet. I will wait. I have to wait and tell Brian what I am doing. Hell, I have to see if I can even get the time off from work. Why is this shit happening? Just when things are starting to look up, something comes along and fucks it up for me. Something comes and throws ice cold water on me, bringing me out of my dream world and into reality. As soon as I hear the door open, I know that I can’t wait. If I see Brian, I will lose any resolve that I may have. I’ll just say fuck it, and not even go. I am so afraid that if I go back there, THIS – what I have here – will all go away. I know it’s stupid, but dammit, I don’t know what is going on anymore. I have always felt that this is just some make believe world, that one day I will wake up and find myself back in Pittsburgh – without Brian. I would find myself back in the world where everything is so fucked up that all I want to do is get away. This past year has been like a dream for me. It’s what I have always wanted, what I always craved. I know I’m being irrational. I know it. What Brian and I have is real, and I shouldn’t be worried about going back to that place. But why is my heart racing and my palms sweating? “I need some time off of work,” I state, hoping that my voice sounds strong, and I’m not letting any of my wayward emotions show. “How much time, and why?” Brian asks. I can hear him behind me throwing his jacket onto one of the chairs and going through the refrigerator looking for something to eat. What can I tell him? “I’m not sure, really.” Suddenly I see Brian sitting in front of me on the coffee table and I can feel myself almost break down. “My Mom called and said she needed to talk to me about something. She didn’t go into what it was about, but I can tell that it’s important.” Brian just nodded and reached out for my hand. I feel the phone leave my hand, and I smile slightly. I didn’t even realize I still had it in my hand. I guess I’m even more fucked up than I realized. “She didn’t give you any clue as to what was going on?” I shake my head, and shrug. If I knew what was going on, I wouldn’t be in this spot now. I wouldn’t be thinking that this is my Mom’s way of trying to make things better, to fix things. She has been on me for months to come home and see everyone. I always have an excuse, of course – work, school, whatever. But the tone of her voice this time tells me that I HAVE to go back there, and I think that is what scares me the most. Something is wrong, and I can’t do anything from here. I have to go. “No, but she sounded off. Something is going on, and I don’t know what. . .. There’s a flight tomorrow afternoon. I didn’t get the ticket yet, ‘cause I had to see if I can get off. I don’t even know how long I’ll be gone. . .I don’t know anything.” Brian reached out and put his hand on my chin, forcing me to look up at him. I know that I have tears in the corners of my eyes, and I hate it that I am so fucking weak. Just once I want to be strong, and not let things get to me as much as they do. I don’t want to be some little faggot who cries at the drop of a hat. I close my eyes and take a deep breath – hoping to calm my nerves. “Okay, reserve the ticket,” Brian began, taking charge. How he always seems to be able to do that is beyond me. It’s what I want to be able to do. I want to be in charge, to be able to stay calm. “I’ll clear everything at work, talk to Vance. You should be able to work out of the offices up there if it takes a while, whatever this is. I have a meeting up there in a couple of days, so I’ll join you then.” I can only nod in agreement. I don’t know what to think right now, and as much as I hate it, I am grateful that Brian is so calm. “Okay.” I reach over to the phone and hold it in my hand again. “I need to call Kate, and Kevin let them know. I need to get ahold of my professors and FUCK!” Dammit, this couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was going to be starting my first term at school, and now I may have to drop it. This has to be some sort of sign that I was not meant to go to school. “I need to call Marsha. . . “ Brian reaches and takes the phone out of my hand. The next thing I know he is sitting next to me and pulling me in his arms. “Shhhh,” he tries to calm me. I feel so fucking lost, so helpless. The only thing I can think of doing right now is hold Brian as closely as I can. “I’ll take care of all the phone calls, you just worry about getting the ticket, and packing. Okay?” he asks me. I can feel his lips on the top of my head and with each light kiss I can feel the ground coming back below me. I don’t know what it is about Brian’s kisses that have a way of grounding me, but I am glad that he is here. Of course they also have a way of making me enter another world entirely, but for now, I am just happy to be here in the now. Brian pulls back slightly and looks down at me. I feel the phone back in my hand, and I smile slightly up at him. God, I love this man. “Okay, first you’re going to call and get the ticket. Then you’re going to order something to eat. . . I’m hungry.” “Ticket. . .food. Got it,” I answer back with a smile. I know that if I can just handle two days in Pitts without him around. . .just two days on my own, then he’ll be there to help me. God I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I won’t let him down. I won’t let myself down. ********************* As I sit there watching the plane taxi out onto the runway, I can only think about my Mom’s voice on the phone. She sounded strange to me. It has been bugging me since she had called, and I didn’t get any sleep last night. “Wanna talk about it?” I hear a voice beside me ask. I turn to my right and smile slightly. How in the world Brian convinced Marsha to come with me is beyond me, but I am glad that she is here. The more I thought about being there alone, the more I felt that I was going to drown. I feel like I’m walking into the surf during a strong storm, and the water is getting higher and higher, trying to pull me under. Marsha’s calm demeanor is keeping me afloat, same as Brian’s did last night. How many times have I said the two were alike? “There really isn’t much to talk about. My Mom called and said she needed to see me. I don’t know what’s going on,” I tell her. Last night Brian told me to get two tickets instead of one, and I guess in my clouded mind it didn’t even register. After I ordered dinner, Brian took the phone from me and started to make his own calls. By the time dinner had arrived, I had a traveling companion, school was taken care of, and I would be working out of the Pittsburgh offices until further notice. I also had the keys to the loft, and a rental car as well. I don’t know how he does that, but I know that if he hadn’t taken charge, I would still be sitting there with the phone in my hand. I don’t know what I would do without Brian in my life. I don’t ever want to find out. Marsha placed her hand on my arm, bringing me out of my thoughts. “Okay, listen,” she said. I look up at her and listen. . . really listen. Marsha has ways of getting me to do things. . .think of things that I wouldn’t otherwise think of. Since I started seeing her she has helped me through the hard times, and I know that she will help me through this as well. “First off, you’re going to clear your mind. You’re thinking the worst right now, and without even any information to base that on. You’re only going to make yourself sick. Don’t think about what’s coming. Close your eyes,” she tells me. We’ve come up with ways to calm me when I get like this. Marsha tells me that with PTSD, I make things a lot worse than they seem a lot of times. I know that I do, but I can’t seem to help it. We came up with some relaxation techniques early on in our sessions to help me calm down. I guess, no, I know, I get worked up over little things, stress over things that I have no control over. But damn, can you blame me? I mean, I have experienced the worst, and I always have this fear that I just wasn’t meant to be happy. That fear makes me imagine the worst in any situation, as I’m doing now. To try and stop the roller coaster, I do my relaxation exercise: I close my eyes, and picture myself sitting on that beach that we went to on New Year’s. Taking slow, deep breaths, I can almost picture the surf slamming against the rocks, the warmth of the fire, and Brian’s arms around me keeping me safe. After a couple of minutes, I start to feel the tension leave me, and I smile slightly remembering how that trip ended. “Okay,” I hear Marsha’s voice enter into my thoughts. Her calming voice is adding another anchor to me – grounding me to reality, to sanity. “Now, open your eyes.” Reluctantly I do, and I turn to face her – calmer than I was a couple of minutes ago. “Don’t think about it right now. Push any thoughts of horror out of your mind. There is nothing that you can do right now, and you don’t even know what is going on. When we land, we’ll go to the loft, get settled, then we’ll go to your Mom’s. Okay? Don’t worry right now about anything else. Don’t worry about the others who are there.” I nod in agreement, knowing that worrying about this isn’t going to do anyone any good – least of all me. “We’ll deal with all of that later. Right now, just keep your mind clear, and everything will work out.” “Thanks,” I tell her. And I am once again grateful that she is here. I would’ve been worrying about this, making myself sick the entire trip home. I give her a small smile and turn to look out the window. Watching the sun reflect off the clouds, I allow myself to get lost in the beauty of the sight. There will be a time to get scared, to worry, but for now it is time to just allow myself to get lost. Right now, no one needs me, so I can allow myself to disappear. Disappear in the wide open sky – free of everything. Disappear to a place where there is no pain, no sorrow, and no regrets. I need my strength for when I find out whatever it is that wrong. **************** The entire trip from the airport to the loft, Marsha and I never say a word. Trust me, I don’t know what to say, and we both know that I need to keep my wits about me. I am afraid that if I open my mouth, I will lose everything that I have spent the last couple of hours achieving. I will lose the calm that I have discovered. When we entered the loft, I realize that Brian had already taken care of everything here as well. I wondered the night before what and who he was talking to, but once I stepped foot in the loft I knew. He had everything turned back on, and the place cleaned up for our unexpected arrival. I try not to smile knowing that Brian is almost always one step ahead of me when it comes to this. Where I forget things, he already has them done. Of course where he forgets, I make up for him. We are perfect for each other, and this is just another instance that proves my point. We make up for the other’s short-comings, and we complement each other so fully. Neither one of us would be whole without the other. I’m just glad that he realized that eventually, when I knew from the beginning that we were made for each other. I put the bags in the bedroom, glad that I left the wheelchair at home. The loft is not made for that type of thing. It’s hard enough to get around with the crutches, and I suddenly realize how hard it will be at my Mom’s condo. All of those damn steps. Fuck! One thing at a time, I tell myself. I hear Marsha on the phone, letting Brian know that we made it. I know that there is no way I can talk to him right now. I know that if I do, whatever I have gained will be lost. When she hangs up the phone, we make our way out of the loft, always making sure the alarm is set and everything is locked up. I learned that lesson. The only words that are said between us are directions to my Mom’s condo. Traffic isn’t too bad this time of day, and we make it in record time. I take a deep breath as we pull up into the driveway, and get out. I knock on the door and wait for my Mom to answer. Seeing her on the other side of the door, I almost lose it. She doesn’t look well at all, and I can feel the panic rise up within me. Nothing is said as we all make our way up to the living room. I know that Molly is at school, so we don’t have to worry about being interrupted. All I can do now is wait. Wait to find out what is going on. “Can I get you anything to drink?” Mom asks us as we take a seat on the couch. I shake my head, but Marsha asks for a cup of coffee. When my Mom leaves to get the drink, I can feel Marsha’s hand on my shoulder, and I let her comfort me. All I can think of is that I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m already freaking out. What will I be like when it all comes out? How will I react? Okay, so I’m getting all worked up, and I don’t know what to do. When my Mom comes back she has a pot of coffee and three cups. Of course her cup has tea in it, and knowing that things haven’t really changed all that much does bring a small smile to my face. My Mom still doesn’t drink coffee. “What’s going on, Mom?” Okay, so I’m not really subtle. I watch as she puts her cup down and turns to face me. “Sweetheart, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Why is it that every time a parent says those words, it shoots fear through your body? When a parent says those words – hell when anyone says those words – I know that something is wrong. “Mom?” “I went to the doctor yesterday,” she tells me. Just hearing those words, hearing that she had seen a doctor . . . I fear the worst. I close my eyes, and try to keep myself calm. In, out.. . .in, out. . . I try to command my breathing. Keep calm. It’s not working ‘cause all I want to do is yell, scream, ‘Why did you see a doctor? What’s wrong?’ But I keep silent, knowing that she will tell me in her own way. . . on her own time. . . “Sweetheart, there’s something I need you to promise me.” I can only nod, knowing that I whatever it is she’s going to tell me, I will allow myself a while to be sad and angry. Then I will have to be strong, for her, for Molly. It’s the least I can do, after all the times she was there for me. “Whatever I can do, Mom, I’ll do it. Just tell me what I can do.” “Oh, sweetheart, I love you,” she says as she pulls me into a hug. We both allow this slight comfort for a couple of minutes, neither one of us wanting to face reality. But it is short-lived as she pulls away and takes my hand into hers. “Last week, I . . . uh. . . I found a lump on my breast. I went to the doctor yesterday, and he confirmed what I had suspected.” As she tells me, my mind is screaming. This is so unfair! It can’t be! “Tell me,” I whisper, trying to get my voice to work through the damn lump in my throat. “I have breast cancer,” she states. I can feel the knife pushing its way into my chest with her words. “They say that it’s pretty far along, and they will have to operate. . . . remove the affected area, and see how far it might have spread. There will be chemotherapy, and . . . they say that there is a good chance that they can get it all.” No. . .. this can’t be happening. I close my eyes tighter, wanting to disappear. I want to go back to that place where everything is calm. “When?” “The sooner I can get in, the better.” “What do you want me to do?” I ask. I know in my heart I will do everything I can to help her. She had told me on the phone last night that Dad was away on an extended business trip and won’t be around. I know that someone will have to take care of Molly, and her. I know that she will want me to do that, to help her and Molly, and it’s killing her to have to put me through this, but I know I wouldn’t be anywhere else. She’s my Mom, and I’d do anything for her. God, why is this happening? ******************* Marsha and I spent the rest of the day there with my Mom going over what we were going to do. Tomorrow, we will take Mom to the doctor’s so that she can get the tests done, and prepare for surgery on Monday. The next couple of days will be hectic as we make plans for Molly, and the surgery. Everything is going to be transferred to my name, so that if anything goes on, I can take care of it. What can’t be transferred, I will have the Power of Attorney to help me. We discuss things that I never thought I’d be discussing with my mother. Things like what will happen if the surgery is unsuccessful, if something happens to her. Who will take care of Molly, what will happen to everything else. During the entire evening I feel myself shutting down. I know that I can’t break down yet, I have to be strong. I allowed myself time to be sad before Molly came home, but once she entered into the house, I put on my best happy face and refused to let her see what was going on. I know that this will be hard on her, but I swear that I will not let anything touch her. Molly’s young, she is allowed to be sad. She will need me to help her through this, and I will not let her down. When we arrived back at the loft, I finally allow myself the time to grieve. I call Brian and tell him what’s going on, and I curl up on the bed, wishing things were back to the way they were before. Wishing that he was there holding me, loving me, keeping me strong. I allow Brian’s calming voice sooth me, taking me to that place again. I allow him to take me away from this harsh reality, and into another plane of existence. I find myself waking up, not even realizing that I fell asleep. I look up at the clock, and see that it is morning, and the phone is back in it’s cradle by the bed. I feel different this morning – stronger. I think I am finally ready to face this thing, do what I have to do. I sit up in bed and reach over to the table beside me. Pulling out a pad of paper, I begin to write. There’s so much that I have to do, so much that needs to be done, and the only way I’ll survive this is if I have everything already planned out. What I will do, what needs to be done, who needs to be told. Everything. Mom’s doctor appointment isn’t until ten, so that will give me time to go to Molly’s school, and get all the papers signed allowing me to pick her up, and for them to contact me if anything arises. While Mom’s at her appointment, I will stop by Mel’s office and get the power of Attorney written up, so I can get a copy of that over to the bank, and everywhere else that will need it. Then I will have to stop in at Vanguard so that I can get things set up for my beginning work on Tuesday. List completed, I quickly shower and dress. Thankfully, Marsha is already up and coffee is made. I think both she and Brian realize that since I am going to have to take care of Mom and Molly, I will most likely not be taking care of myself. I know this is what will happen, and I guess they talked last night about what to do with me after I fell asleep. It’s not like I would intentionally NOT take care of myself, it’s just that when I get on something . . . work on something, I tend to forget certain things. I just push and push until I get what I want done. Hey, it worked in getting Brian, so why can’t it work now? There is so much to do that I just can’t take the time to worry about anything else. We head over to Mom’s and take Molly to school. I know that we will have to sit down and explain this to her, but right now she’s so happy to see me, that I don’t want to ruin it for her. Let her have at least a day of happiness before her world comes crashing in on her. Let her be free of the pain for just a little longer. That is all I want for her. I will do everything in my power to try and keep her happy and away from all of this mess. I walk her into the school, and then went straight into the main office. “Can I help you?” “Yes, I’m Molly Taylor’s brother, and I need to speak to someone about getting some papers changed,” I tell the woman behind the counter. ”What is this regarding?” the lady asks. I know she is wondering what this kid is doing here, but I was expecting some possible problems. “Our mother is sick, and I will need to change my sister’s paperwork. If you can just give me what I need, that way I can take it to my mother and get her signature.” I know that they won’t take my word for it, and that whatever needs to be done Mom will have to sign off on. But by the end of the day everything will, I hope, be taken care of. By the end of the day, all my Mom will have to worry about is getting better. At least that’s my goal. The lady gives me the paperwork to fill out, and shows me where Mom will have to sign. With papers in hand, it’s time to take Mom to her doctor’s appointment, and then it’s off to see Melanie. I know I will have to tell the others, but I’m not sure I am ready for that yet. They will be asking questions that I don’t know the answers to, and I want to be prepared. All I want to do is tell them about what’s happening, and NOT get into anything else. I am not ready to face all the shit that happened before I left town, and the reasons behind it. No, the first meeting with the gang will be only about my Mom, nothing else. I will deal with the rest later. ****************** I told Melanie everything, and for once I was grateful for the Attorney/Client privilege. She wrote up the papers and by the end of the day everything was set. I had a General Power of Attorney, and even through I hated the thought, I also was assigned as Executor of my mom’s living will and estate. I hope that it won’t come down to using those last two, but I still have them just in case. I tell Melanie that I want to talk to everyone the next day, and asked if she could get everyone over to her place. She tells me that she will take care of it, and not to worry about it. I know she won’t tell anyone what’s going on, and I am glad that she will handle that. I know I wouldn’t be able to. That night Mom and I sat Molly down and told her what was going on. I held her as she cried, and yelled. She was screaming at the top of her lungs at how unfair it all was. She fell asleep in my arms, and I held her all night long. I remember all the times that she would come into my room after a nightmare or something and we just held on to one another – chasing away all the bad monsters. We took comfort in each other’s presence, knowing that no matter what happened we would be there for each other. No one will tear us apart. The next day was the beginning of the weekend, and I know that Brian is coming up tomorrow afternoon. I know that I could wait for him to be here with me to tell the others, but I need to do this on my own. I need to get this out of the way, ‘cause I’ll need him with me more when I actually start to confront the past. For now, this is something I have to do alone. Mom and Molly are spending the day alone together, and I know that they both need that time to themselves. They are doing a lot of ‘female bonding’ things that I will never understand. Marsha follows me to Mel and Lindsey’s house, and I take a deep breath before I knock on the door. I look around the living room and see that everyone is already there. They are all shocked to see me, but mainly happy. I allow a couple of minutes of hugs and everything, before I sit down in one of the chairs. “I wanted to tell all of you something, and I think this is the easiest way.” I look around and see the confusion in their faces. We all know that there are things that need to be addressed, but now is not the time, and I need to keep them focused on what is currently going on. Marsha is standing beside me, and I use her presence to keep me focused. “I got a call from my mom a couple of days ago, and that’s why I’m here.” “Is everything alright,” Lindsey asks. I shake my head, and look around the room. These people are our family. They took me and my family into their little circle, and they have stood by my Mom through everything. I turn directly toward Deb, knowing that she is the closest to my Mom, and I close my eyes briefly. “No, not really.” I open my eyes again, and look directly at Deb. I can see that she is worried, and I hate that I’m causing her more pain. She loves my Mom, and this will tear her apart. “My mom has breast cancer, and she goes into surgery on Monday.” The silence is deafening, as everyone processes what I have told them. Deb starts crying and I open my arms to her. I don’t know how long we sat there, holding each other, crying, but for that moment, I feel like I’m home. ************* TBC.