For All Time Interlude #7 By: Acacia So lately, been wondering Who will be there to take my place When I'm gone you'll need love To light the shadows on your face If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all Then between the sand and stone Could you make it on your own? Wherever you will go, by The Calling Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. *Brian* I fucking hate waiting, especially at the airport. It would be better if I could meet Lindz and Gus at the gate, but of course that’s now impossible. So I have to stand here, by a group of obnoxious teens talking about some shit I don’t understand – waiting. Of course it doesn’t make it any easier that Justin is stuck at work, again. I know I shouldn’t be upset, but damn. Since we got home from our trip, he’s been working late almost every fucking night. Alright, I admit to myself I may be a little jealous, but I’ll never admit that to him. And it’s not that I don’t trust Justin, ‘cause I do, it’s just that I don’t trust that little weasel who is helping them on this project. That little fucking Matt. Alright, so I’m a lot jealous. I see Lindsey out of the corner of my eye, and I immediately go to her. She looks like she could use a hand – between carrying Gus, and all the carryon bags, she looks like she’s ready to fall over. “Give me those,” I order her as I reach them. I take the carryon bags from her, and lean in to give her a kiss. “What the fuck did you do? Bring his entire room with you?” “No,” she tells me with a slight smile on her face. “We’re going to be here a week, Bri. And the plane ride was long, so Gus needed things to do to occupy his time. Besides, I only brought half of his room.” Fuck! I am now picturing all of the bags that we will have to load up into the car. Thank God I finally got me a new jeep, cause I know that all of this shit wouldn’t fit into the Mustang. I know Lindz, she always packs like she’s moving in. “So how many bags should I be expecting?” “Three, Bri. I didn’t pack everything. God, when did you get so cynical?” “I know you, Lindz. You pack about two pairs of clothes for each day,” I begin. Looking at her innocent face I have to turn away before I slap that look off of it. I hate it when she gives me that look, ‘cause despite the fact that I KNOW better, I almost always fall for it. Fuck! “And don’t try to play coy with me. I know you all too well, remember?” “So where’s Justin?” she asked, as we made our way to the baggage claim. “Work,” I answer. I will not get into what I think about that. Not now. The last thing I need is anyone thinking that there is a problem between us. There isn’t. Justin and I are closer than we have ever been before. “He’ll be home soon though, so you don’t have to worry.” “I’m not worried, I just can’t wait to see him that’s all.” Lindz places her hand on my arm once we reach the baggage area, and I can almost tell what her exact words are going to be. “Is everything alright, Bri?” I stand there and run my hand through my hair. I just KNEW that the question would come up. I just fucking knew it. “We’re fine, Lindz. And for the record . . . I am NOT discussing my relationship with Justin with anyone. Understand?” I can’t even look at her right now, I don’t know why. I’m a little hurt I guess. I almost forgot how everyone always thought the worst about Justin and me. They always were so quick to judge. I mean, I know Justin and I still have things to work out together, things that we still have harbored deep within ourselves – things that hurt, but we are working on them. And here comes someone – someone I trust – immediately thinking that something’s wrong. Fuck! “Bri,” she begins with her hand still on my arm. “I believe you. I do. It’s just that we don’t see you that often, and we haven’t seen Justin in a long time. The last time any of us saw him, he was in the hospital. It’s only right that we’re worried about him. . . about you.” And I immediately feel like shit. I forgot that they hadn’t seen or heard from Justin really since the accident. They have only gotten secondhand reports from me, and they have always been sketchy at best. “Justin’s fine, Lindz. He’s out of the wheelchair, most of the time anyway, and he’s doing fine. I’m doing fine,” I answer her. “Now, can we get this shit and get out of here?” Luckily Lindsey drops it for now, but I know she’s not done yet. She’s one of the few people I can trust to not really judge me. Oh, she’s kept me in line when it comes to Justin. Like the time Justin slept on their couch after the Hotlanta trick. Oh man, I got hell for that one. The words that were coming out of her mouth. Granted, nothing was as bad as when she realized I had used her to kick Justin out of my life, and sent him packing with Ethan. Lindz always has a way of making me see things that I don’t want to see – do things that I don’t want to do. The little guy in her arms is proof of that. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. ************* When we arrive at home, I see the light on the phone blinking. I set the bags down and begin to check the messages. I have to try not to smile as I hear the familiar voice of Marsha on the message. “Brian, just me. I thought I’d let you know that I’m kidnapping Justin. I’ll be sure to have him home in one piece soon. Talk to you later, Bye.” I can’t help but be grateful for Marsha’s help. I know that Justin’s still having problems, and he hasn’t been to see Marsha since before we got back, so I know he needs this time alone with her. Hell, _I_ need to sit down and talk to her. I need to tell her about the shit I went through when I was back in Pittsburgh over a month ago now. Fuck, has it been a month already? Justin and I have been so busy since we got back that neither one of us have had time to sit and even think. “Justin’s with Marsha. Most likely he won’t be back till late,” I tell her as I hang up the phone. “Looks like we’re on our own, Sonnyboy,” I tell Gus. Not that I think he understands a thing I’m saying but who knows. He’s almost two and a half now, and it still amazes me that he’s a part of my life – how much my life changed the night he came into my life. “So what do you want to eat?” After dinner, Lindz and I just sit around the living room watching Gus investigate every little thing that is scattered around. Luckily Justin and I went through the place with a fine tooth comb and made the place child-proof. Any place that we could not child-proof, or anything that could cause Gus serious damage, or our personal toys, were all locked behind closed doors. The last thing I needed was for Gus to get into some of my and Justin’s personal belongings. Hearing the door open, I look up and watch as Justin makes his way into the house. He looks exhausted, and I wonder what it was that he talked with Marsha about. At times I hate that I can’t know what they talk about, since I see the aftereffects of some of their talks, but I also know better then to pry. Justin doesn’t ask me what I talk about, so what right do I have to ask him the same question? However, it doesn’t mean that I can’t worry. “Hey,” he says, as he moves over to the kitchen and pulls out a beer. Now I know that it wasn’t a good conversation; not too bad since he’s not digging out the hard liquor, but not real great. He wouldn’t drink anything heavier than a beer with Gus here, though, which makes me nervous. “Everything okay?” I ask as I make my way over to him. Justin just shakes his head at me, and shrugs. “Later, okay?” he says. I stand there and watch as Justin makes his way over to Gus. Watching Gus and Justin is definitely my favorite thing in the world. My two boys. “So what do you want to do, Lindz?” I ask, taking everyone’s attention from the sudden tension that filled the house when Justin came home. “Bri, we’re just here. I don’t care what we do, just as long as we all spend time together,” she said. “Gus misses the two of you. I do too.” Justin is sitting in one of the chairs with Gus on his lap. Just holding Gus brings a smile to Justin’s face, and I am suddenly really grateful that they are here. “I was thinking that we could take Gus to the zoo, and maybe to Stone Mountain. You know I think he’d like the little train and stuff there,” Justin said as he starts to tickle Gus. Gus of course is just loving the attention that he is getting from his ‘favorite babysitter’. “How about that, Gus? Huh? You wanna play on the trains?” Lindz and I look at each other. It is always a sight to see the two of them together. Justin and Gus. “Twain, twain,” Gus starts to chant. I smile at Lindsey, knowing that she is seeing what I am – two people who are without a doubt the most important people in our lives. Okay so she has Mel too, but still. I honestly don’t know what I would do – what I would be doing – if either one of them weren’t in my life. Hell, I don’t want to think about it. It’s too frightening. Would I even still be here? “I’m sure that we can come up with some things for them to do,” I say. Justin and I have worked out a schedule so that Lindsey and Gus won’t be on their own while they are here. I’m going to be taking the first half off, and Justin will take the second half off. Then we both are taking the Friday before Lindz and Gus leave off. This way we will have the weekend, and the Friday before they leave together. I think that Lindz is planning on taking a trip to one of the malls by herself so that ‘us guys’ can have some time alone, but we haven’t really discussed it at all. I don’t know for sure what she has planned in her little devious mind, but I’m sure I’ll find out. If I know Lindsey, she is a little romantic. I think I’ll talk to Marsha and see if she can take Lindsey somewhere special that . . . well somewhere that they would like. I don’t even want to think about what they would like. It’s too scary. “I was also thinking,” Justin began, “that we could go to some of the small art galleries downtown or something. You know, just to look,” he says as he looks at Lindz with an almost pleading look on his face. “I’m at your mercy,” she laughs. “Ah, fuck. . . .don’t say that. We’ll be traveling all over the fucking world if he has his way,” I inform her shaking my head. Justin looks at me with a smile on his face. “Don’t whine, Brian. It doesn’t suit you.” “I didn’t whine.” Whine? I never whine. I don’t know how to whine. Little fucking twat. Lindsey lays her hand on my arm, and looks at me with a look in her eye. I hate that fucking look. It’s the look that says she thinks it’s bullshit. “Of course you don’t, Brian. Why would we ever think that?” “Fuck both of you,” I tell them standing up. I think I need a drink now. Fuck, I forgot what it was like to have the two of them gang up on me. The two people who know me the best in the same place . . . what the fuck was I thinking? I’ll never survive this trip. Maybe I can convince Justin to take the week off, and I can hide out at work. ************* *Justin* Brian and I lie down for the night, after Gus and Lindsey go to sleep. All I can think about is that things have been going crazy lately. I am feeling a little lost and all I know is that I don’t want to ruin anything about this trip for Gus or Lindsey. I don’t think that I can do that – I won’t do that. I know that Brian is worried about me, I saw that in his face when I came in. When Marsha came into my office, and told me that we were taking the rest of the day off I was grateful that she had come, ‘cause I know that I wouldn’t have been able to find the time on my own to see her. These past couple of days -- make that weeks -- I have been having these flashes. I don’t know what they mean, or if they are real, but they are tearing me up. If what I see little glimpses of is true, then I can’t believe that I had ever actually thought that Brian didn’t love me. I mean, things would’ve been a lot easier if I had known this before. That is, if it is true. Marsha is trying to help me see that I can’t live with the ‘what ifs’, and I can’t live in the past. She is helping me to see that what Brian and I have now is worth everything. She told me that things have a way of working out in strange ways. I can see that what she is saying is true. I mean, I don’t think that we would be here now if I had remembered, and in all truthfulness I don’t want to be anywhere else. I look up as Brian comes out of the bathroom, and I pull the duvet up so that he can slip into bed next to me. “You ready to talk about it now?” he asks me. I knew that he wouldn’t let it rest, and in a way I am grateful. But in another way, I am a little annoyed. Brian reaches out and pulls me into his arms, and holds me close to him. I feel that he is my lifeline. No, I know he is. I put my head on his shoulder and wrap my arms around his body – pulling him closely to me. I just can’t fathom my life without him. I take a deep breath, and try to gather my strength to tell him. “I just . . . I have been having these flashes,” I tell him quietly. Brian runs his hand across my back, calming me. “Of what,” he asks. I try not to tense up with the question. I try not to be afraid of his reaction. I know that Brian would understand, but it is hard for me to talk to him about this. Yes, he’s the only one who would understand, he’s the only one who would know. The problem lies with the fact that I know that he is just as injured by that night as I am, more so. I just don’t want hurt him anymore. I take a deep breath in order to get things in order in my mind. “I think that I’m having flashes from the prom,” I tell him without looking at him. I feel him tense slightly under my head, still running his hand across my back. “What do you remember?” I just shrug slightly. “I don’t know really. I just get little bits and pieces, nothing too major. It’s like I’m looking at pictures, nothing more. I see very little, really. I don’t know what’s being said, or anything, as I said it’s just like a photo. You know. It’s never a lot, but it’s just. . . I don’t know . . . strange I guess. I don’t even know really what I see, and I can’t even make any sense out of it.” Brian laid his head on top of mine and continued to hold me. “Wanna tell me what it is you DO see?” I pull away slightly so that I can look him in the eye. I don’t want to shut him out, but I don’t even know what it is I am seeing. “Let me try and figure it out first. Then I promise, I’ll tell you everything. Okay?” I know it hurts him that I’m not sharing with him what I am seeing, but truthfully, I don’t even know anything for sure. I know I will tell him, I have to – but not yet. Soon, but not at this time. Brian nods and I move back down into his arms – hoping sleep will come peacefully for me tonight. ****************** *Brian* I take Lindz and Gus to Centennial Park while Justin is at work. I figured what the hell since I had to drive him to work anyway, why not take these two around town. Granted the only thing I can think of is what Justin told me last night. He is having flashbacks to the Prom; that can’t be good. There isn’t much from that night that was good; the dance and the first few minutes in the garage is it. That night was hell for me, and it almost killed me when he remembered the actual bashing. I still don’t think that he remembers that fully, but he’ll never tell me differently. The worst part is, I know I should get him to open up and talk to me about it. The thing is however, I am not sure I can. My own memories of that night are not the best. No matter how many times Justin tells me that it wasn’t my fault, I still feel that if I had just been two seconds quicker…. “You seem preoccupied. Is everything okay?” Lindz asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts of almost two years ago. Two years, fuck! Has it really been that long? “Everything’s fine, Lindz. Don’t worry about it,” I tell her as I place Gus on the ground. The little hellion takes off as soon as his feet hit the ground, and I can only shake my head in wonder. He seems so free, without a care in the world. I wonder what would it be like to be that free? I don’t think I ever have been, at least I have no memory of it. Not with the Warden and Jack around always telling me that I was a mistake, and cursing the day I was born. I swore the day that Gus was born that he would NEVER have to go through what I went through. I don’t ever want him to feel that way. I also hope that he never has to feel the hate that others have toward us. I know he’ll be treated differently, of that I have no doubt. Not many kids have two mommies and two daddies, along with the fucked-up family that we have. But he does have something that a lot of other kids his own age don’t have – something that I never had – he is loved unconditionally and fully. I may have given my rights over to Melanie, but I will make sure that he has a better life than any of us ever had. Nothing will stop me from making sure that it happens. “Is Justin alright?” Lindz asks me, once again pulling me out of my thoughts. I have been doing that a lot lately – losing myself in my mind – thinking about things that I am going to do. Maybe that’s my problem – I’m thinking too much. “He’s doing alright. He just has a lot going on right now. School is starting up again soon for him, work, me . . . it’s just a lot right now.” “Bri, you can tell me. I care about him too, and I worry about him.” “I know you do. . . . it’s just,” I don’t even know where to begin. Do I tell her -- should I tell her? Fuck! There is a reason why I never believed in relationships before. But I need to talk about it. I need…I don’t know what I really need, actually. “He’s having flashbacks to the Prom.” It’s just comes out of my mouth before I even realize it. Lindsey always had a way of getting shit out of me that I never wanted to expose. What is it about here that makes me do that? “What type of flashbacks,” she asks me. We’re both looking out at Gus, and I know that she is wishing the same thing for Gus that I did earlier – that our son will never have to go through what Justin had to. “He’s not really sure right now, I guess. He just tells me that they seem like little pictures, nothing concrete.” I feel Lindsey place her hand in my own, helping to ground me like she did that night. I know without her and Mickey, I never would’ve made it through those first few hours. “Before,” I begin. “When I came down for the fourth last year . . . we met with Marsha and talked about some things that he was remembering, about the nightmares he was having. He was remembering things – things like the hospital, the ambulance ride, that sort of thing. I remember wishing that he would remember the good times.” I close my eyes, and all I can see is that room, lit up in that blue light that followed us across the dance floor. The look in his eyes as we held each other close, not caring and not seeing the others surrounding us. “I think he may be remembering now. I don’t know.” “I remember sitting there, helping him get ready,” Lindz began. “He looked so handsome. I wanted him to have a wonderful night. Then we got the call . . . and I just . . . I don’t know. Then seeing you . . . I didn’t want to believe it when the came call through, but I knew the moment I saw you sitting there in the hallway . . .” I forget at times that the others must’ve been affected by this the same way it tortures and haunts me everyday. I guess since no one really talked about it – and I was sort of out of it that night – I never really knew what the others thought, what they felt. “It all turned out okay though,” I say. For the most part I believe it. “Yeah, it did. I just wish that he’d never had to go through that. I was so mad, so furious at the sentencing hearing. I have never felt that way before.” That was a joke and a half – the sentencing hearing. ‘Given the fact that he was drinking – which he should not have been – I can understand how Chris Hobbs could lose control of his better judgment. Still that does not excuse these actions, and so I have struggled to find the appropriate sentence.’ All I wanted to do was take that son of a bitch and kill him with my bare hands. ‘Lose control of his better judgment?’ what the fuck was that?!? Yeah, let’s just give this homophobic asshole a slap on the wrist while a great kid like Justin has to live his life, the rest of his life, suffering. That asshole’s appropriate sentence at the AIDS hospice was a fucking fluke. He still had a way to get to Justin. I still remember the look on Justin’s face when I came back to the loft and he told me that he had seen that asshole. I thought it was another nightmare, but when he told me he saw him at the hospice, I sobered up right away. I always wondered what Hobbs had told him, what he had done to him. The memory of what he’d told Justin -- that he had hoped Justin got AIDS and died -- sent a sudden rash of anger through me. I was so pissed, but I was just glad I was able to talk Justin into going to Pride. He couldn’t let that asshole win. All I know is that I NEVER want to go through that again. I never want to have to watch as Justin suffers through anymore nightmares. I don’t want him to have to think that the only thing he should be proud of is that he ‘got bashed and didn’t die.’. Never again. “At least it’s over,” I tell Lindsey knowing full well that it was a lie. It will never be over. The memories of that time will haunt us all for the rest of our lives. That time changed us all. “Yeah,” she whispers, knowing as well as I do that it is a lie. We both look out at Gus as he makes his way to the lighted Olympic rings at the entrance of the park. We try not to laugh as we watch Gus stand there, suddenly jumping as the water shoots out toward him. He looks over at us and laughs, loving the fact that water is coming out of the ground and getting him wet. This is what every parent wants for their child. They want their child happy, and to never experience pain, and suffering. These are the memories of my son that I will cherish forever. I will kill anyone who ever takes that smile off of my son’s face. This I know for a fact. ************** *Justin* Marsha came by and picked Lindsey up to go shopping, so Brian and I are getting Gus ready to go to the zoo. I know that Gus will like it, and I’m glad that we are being given this opportunity to spend time with this little man who has brought me so much happiness. Even when Brian and I were having problems, or if I was scared or something, just holding Gus – seeing the eyes that I love so much – everything seemed right. I try not to laugh as I watch Brian try to get Gus ready. The terrible twos. Gus is definitely a handful right now, and I am still amazed at how good a father Brian is. He’s not getting mad, or angry at Gus as the young guy runs away from his father – his underwear in his hands. Brian is laughing as he runs to try and catch up with Gus. I watch as Brian picks Gus up and holds him above his head. The look on their faces is pure happiness. I think tonight I’ll have to sketch this picture. Father and son. I know that Brian misses Gus, and that it almost kills him to be so far away. That’s why I am glad that Lindsey came down. Things haven’t been as bad as I thought they would be. I’m not uncomfortable; in fact I am actually enjoying myself. I thought that things would be awkward, but they’re not. It makes me wonder if I am ready to go back to Pittsburgh and face my final demon, to put all of that shit behind me for good. I know that I will never fully be able to heal until I confront everything and everyone there. I think I’m almost ready. When Gus is finally ready we pack up the jeep and head downtown. I decided that I would use the wheelchair today, since Gus refuses to have a stroller. He’s a ‘big boy’ now you know. He is too big to use a stroller – hence the wheelchair. I know that part way though the zoo he’s going to get tired, so what better way to give him a break than to let him ride around with me. Of course this is not something I will ever tell Gus. Let him think that I have it today because I need it. Really, I would’ve been fine just to use the crutches, but I know how stubborn Gus can be – he’s too much like his father that way. We make our way through the zoo, and I can’t help but watch as Brian and Gus have their moment together. They are so good together – laughing, playing, smiling. Their eyes light up as we watch the gorillas play, or the fish swim by. I can say one thing though, Brian is going to be spending at least 5 hours on the treadmill after today. Why Brian thought it necessary to get Gus cotton candy is beyond me, but he said that every child needs to have it when visiting the zoo. No one would ever believe me if I told them that Brian was sitting on one of the benches eating cotton candy with his son. Thank god I have my camera, ‘cause I plan on using this for future favors from him. Hey, I have to look out for my best interests right? Not that anyone else would see these pictures, and there are some that I will not give to Lindsey, but I know that I will cherish these for the rest of my life. I still can’t believe the change in Brian in the past year. I mean we always had fun with Gus – just the three of us – but this is different. Brian has opened up a lot more, and I think that his relationship with Gus will only grow. He’s talking about when Gus starts school having him come down for the summer to spend it with the two of us. Brian has all these things planned out – what he wants to do, where he wants to take Gus – everything. And here he thought that he wouldn’t be a good father. “You know we could always try and take him to Disney World,” I tell Brian. I can just picture Brian standing by Mickey Mouse -- with those ears – it is just too funny. “Maybe,” he answers as he picks Gus up and we begin to move again. Our next stop is the wild cats – panthers, lions, tigers, cheetahs. This is where I see Brian at home. He is definitely like one of these big cats. He is protective, caring, strong; everything that I see looking into these cats’ eyes, I see in Brian’s. No one messes with what is ‘his’. I know that for a fact. Like when Hobbs tried to hit me outside of Woody’s that night. Brian stood right in front of me, protecting me. I know he’s protected Michael many times over the years. I would hate to be the person who would ever try and hurt Gus. That’s something that I don’t think would end well. Brian would kill the person – that I know for a fact. Unfortunately, Gus and Lindsey are leaving in two days. I wish that they were staying longer, but I am also a realist. Life goes on, and we can’t live in this fantasy world forever. And that’s what this time has been like for me – a fantasy. It feels like Brian and I are a real family – just the two of us with our son. Okay so I know that will never happen, but it still feels . . . . I don’t know, right some how. Tomorrow we’re taking the two to Stone Mountain for the laser light show. Then they will be on a plane back to Pittsburgh. I don’t want them to go. Granted, if there is one thing I have learned over the past couple of years it is that you cherish the time you have together ‘cause you never know when it will all come to an end. You never know what will happen, and if the person will be there tomorrow. That’s how I’ve been living my life lately. I try to just take things one day at a time – make the most out of every days, as if it is my last one on Earth. I know what it’s like to have things taken away, and I made a promise to myself to have no regrets when I do finally leave this world. I don’t ever want to have my loved ones think that they should’ve done this or done that. No, I don’t want anyone to have any regrets, not about me. Live life to the fullest, that’s my new motto. Live every day as if it is my last. To cherish every moment that I have with Brian, and make him happy is my goal in life. There will be no regrets or “should’ve done this” about our relationship. I will not allow it, and I know Brian feels the same. Never again will we allow our doubt and fears tear us apart. We will just take comfort in the fact that we have been given this chance, and we will most definitely make the most out of every moment that we are together. Nothing will change the way we feel about each other, and nothing will ever tear us apart again. Looking at Brian as he glances at me, I have to smile. The love that we share for each other is like a shining beacon in the night. I am almost positive that everyone walking past can see it. You’d have to be blind not to. We are happy, and we are in love. This is what I had always dreamed of, what I had always wanted. I think that I’ll have to prove that to Brian tonight – when we’re alone. . . in bed . . .. all night long. Okay so he is not in doubt, but it’s still fun to prove these things to each other. It definitely means a lot of sleepless nights – and not in a bad way either. We love each other unconditionally. Nothing will tear us apart again. Nothing. I just have to prove that to everyone who ever doubted us before. I have to show them that this is meant to be. I have to do that for myself, and our future. ************** *Lindsey* We’re sitting here on this little hill facing the mountain side and I can’t help but smile. Justin and Brian are sitting next to me with Gus, and all I can think of is how much they look, how much _we_ look like a family. You can see how much they love each other and how much Gus means to them both. I honestly don’t know how Brian would be if Justin hadn’t come into his life the same night that Gus was born. Would Brian be like he is now with his son? Would he have even cared? I don’t know, and I am glad that I will never find out. When Mel and I started talking about having a child, the first and only person I could think of to father the child was Brian. I always knew in my heart that he would make a wonderful father, and am glad that I was right. I also know that Justin is a big part of it. Justin showed Brian how to open up, something that I was afraid would never happen. Yes, we had a lot of fun in college, and he told me a lot about his life. I know he cares about me, Michael, everyone, but it was Justin who allowed Brian to open up enough so that he could show his feelings without being afraid of the consequences. Something that I was unable to do in the years that I have known him – heck it is something that Michael had been unable to do in the many years that he had known Brian. I knew from the moment that I had met Justin that he was different. I mean Brian never would’ve let a trick near his son – he would never have asked for a trick’s opinion on the name of the child. I don’t know who it was that had convinced Brian to say he liked Gus better. A part of me likes to think that since I had liked that name better that it was me, but I know better. It was Justin, of that there is no doubt in my mind. And when I had found out that they had been together more than once. . . well I knew then that Brian was lost. The two of them have been through so much, and seeing them now – happy – I am glad that I have been here to see it all. If anyone deserves to be happy it’s the two of them. Justin is rolling around on the ground with Gus, and I fight the urge to tell Justin to be careful. I mean he still has his leg in a cast-type thing, he hasn’t healed fully yet. But I know that he wouldn’t have it any other way. He wouldn’t stop playing with Gus, even if he was in a full body cast. That’s just the way he is. I hope Gus grows up to be like him. Justin is so strong, so full of life; I know I want that for my son. And Brian – well I can say that NO ONE will ever believe me. Brian has been so attentive to Gus this past week. He has done everything to make Gus happy. Of course I have to find a way to get all this stuff home, but I don’t think that will be a problem. Between my shopping, and all the gifts that Brian and Justin have gotten Gus, I think I may have to convert my studio into a play room for Gus. I know that Mel would never believe that Brian would’ve ever gotten on that train with Gus. Thank god I have pictures. Blackmail material is good at times when it comes to Brian. I have to keep my options open. But truthfully, it fortifies my belief in how much Brian loves his son, our son. “So GusGus,” Justin asks Gus as he sits up and hands him over to Brian. “You ready to see some lights?” I have heard about the light show that they have, and I can’t wait to see it. The music and light display is one of the best in the nation from what I’ve heard. “I know I am,” I say looking at Brian and Gus. “Light, light,” Gus answers cheerfully as he reaches for Brian’s face. “Dadda, light.” “Yeah, we’re going to see some lights. Aren’t we Sonnyboy?” “Light.” Brian lifts Gus up and throws him up in the air, catching him on the way down. I HATE it when he does that. I am always afraid that he’ll miss. I know that Brian would never purposely hurt Gus, but still the fear is still there. As the sky gets darker, the show starts. I sit there and watch Gus’ face light up and the mountain side shows an elaborate display of lights. Occasionally he would laugh and point as things lit up the surface. “Twain,” he yelled as a train made its way from one end of the mountain to the other. Brian said that he was going to get Gus a train set, and I can only wonder where in the world I would put it. Every now and then Justin or Brian would point something out to Gus, and he would laugh in delight. All I can think of as our trip is coming to a close – these are memories that I will cherish forever. Tomorrow Gus and I will be on the plane heading back home. I’m not sure when I will see Justin and Brian again, but I know that I will do whatever I can to keep them in our lives. I will not allow Gus to be without either one of them. This is what family is about. This is what love is about. ************** TBC. . . .