EXPERIENTIA DOCET Novus ordo seclorum A new order of the ages This Chapter 27 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: December 2003. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * I met Brian at the airport, and I could see the exhaustion just radiating off of him. I really don’t know what happened those last couple of days while he was in Pittsburgh, but I can see that it took a lot out of him. I want to tell him that I understand, that he’s making the right decision – but I know that I can’t do that. It’s not up to me to decide if it’s the right thing for him… only he can decide that. I know that he was having problems with Michael, and I wish that there is something I can do to fix it. I know that Michael doesn’t like me, and I can only guess at the real reason. I mean it’s not like I spent a whole lot of time with him, so I can only guess. Of course, I think that I am right. I think that Michael loves Brian, fantasizes about Brian and him together. But of course I don’t have much to go on. I just hate that Brian has to be stuck in the middle of it. Personally, I don’t care if he spends time with Michael. I don’t care if he spends a lot of time with Michael. I mean, life with me won’t be easy and Brian will need all the support he can get. So my whole thinking is, if he needs Michael then he should be with Michael. They have a history which Brian and I don’t. I still haven’t brought up the whole living arraignments to him yet. I know, it’s bad… but how do I go about asking him to move in with me completely. We haven’t known each other that long. What if it’s a huge mistake and what friendship that we have is destroyed? I don’t want to lose him completely. Go ahead and say it… I’m a chicken. I’m scared. Totally and absolutely scared. Anyway, we get back to the loft, and I make us both a drink. Brian’s sitting on the couch, hand over his eyes, head back – totally and completely exhausted. I walk over to him and sit down on his lap with my legs on either side of him. “Tired?” I ask. Yeah, I know… stupid question. Brian nods and slowly opening his eyes. “You don’t know the half of it.” He said as he began to move his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. God the feeling of our bodies being so connected, even through the clothes, sends my heart into overdrive. I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips, just running my tongue over him. “Want to talk about it?” I ask him, leaning in to lay my head on his shoulder. “About what?” He asked, even though he knows what I’m talking about. He’s not that stupid. I pinch him lightly and I feel the laughter just under the surface. “There’s nothing really to talk about. Everything is done there… everyone was seen, not much else to say. It’s done, it’s over. Time to move on.” I lean back so I can look him in the eye. I know that’s not all, and I want him to feel he can open up to me. “Lindsey and Mel will let you see Gus, won’t they?” I ask, trying to go through the list of things I know would bother him. “They said I would. Gus is still going to be here for Christmas. Linds even offered to bring him herself.” Brian tells me as his hands begin to lift my shirt out of my pants. I can feel his warm hands gliding across my back, and it’s hard to even think of anything other than the heat that is rising within me. I have to take a deep breath in order to try and calm myself. “And Michael?” I ask. I can see the pain in his eyes flash quickly before that mask of indifference appears. “What happened? Everything is all right with you two, isn’t it?” Brian’s hands stilled on my back, and he leaned his head back against the cushions. “Mikey will come around. He’s not real happy with me right now, but he’ll come around.” “What happened?” I asked. “No, don’t answer that… I can guess. He’s not happy that you’re living here, is he?” I can see the denial in Brian’s eyes, but I also know he can’t deny it either. “I know he doesn’t like me, Brian. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know that. I just wish that there was something I could do.” “Mikey will come around. He just has to see that I’m not abandoning him. He needs to see that this won’t change our friendship.” Brian explained. I feel bad for him, and I hate that I’m the cause – at least in part – for their friendship being on the rocks. But I can’t – I WON’T – let this slip away because of Michael. “Don’t you worry your pretty blond head about it. Mikey and I go through these moments, and we always come out of it in tact.” He said. I nod and lean back into him. I know that I will try not to worry, but I hate to see the pain in Brian’s eyes. I don’t want him to suffer because things aren’t well between him and Michael. I don’t know what I can do, but I want to try something. I guess time will tell what happens. * * * * * * * If someone had told me before I moved all this shit out here that it would be THIS big of a mess, then I may have waited. I feel like I have fucking walked into the damn twilight zone surrounded by hundreds of idiot twins like Brad and Bob… whatever their fucking names were. I don’t have a moment’s rest. Fuck me. When all I want to do is go back to the loft and get settled… talk to Justin about our living arraignments, about other shit – I’m stuck here fixing thousands of fuck-ups that have occurred. Who the hell ran this damn office before I got here? What the hell did they do? Fuck me. Now, the thing I would rather be doing is sitting at the loft right now… God! I wonder at times what I did to deserve him. What have I done to deserve someone like him? I know I’m not really a prize – not with all the demons that I have lurking beneath the surface – but I try. I have to. For the first time in my life, I feel complete. I feel like I’m actually worth something. Now that’s saying something. I mean, someone as old as I am feeling secure with myself for the first time… it’s something, that’s for sure. What is it, though? Scary. Oh yeah. Frightening. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t have things planned way a head of time. Everything is just moving along, and I have no idea where the train will stop, or if it will just keep on moving. I like order… I fucking enjoy knowing what is a head, what I will be facing. But with Justin… Fuck! I have no clue. I’m flying by the seat of my pants, hoping I don’t do something to fuck this up. Liberating? Yeah. I feel – for the one of the few times in my life – like I am not under the shadow of my past. Both Justin and I have things in our past that are shitty… that’s life. We’re not letting it tear us apart. No matter what I have done in my life – the job, Gus, school, my whole fucking life – I have, at least in a way, done it in spite of my past. In spite of my whole damn family. What would the Warden think about the way I lived my life? Hell, the number of Hail Mary’s that I would get when and if she ever finds out I’m gay alone will have the church in service for centuries. And Jack? What a fucking piece of work he was… I won’t be like him. I can’t let myself. Gus… Well, he’s my future. I never thought I would give a damn about that kid. I wasn’t going to me my old man – in a marriage that I didn’t want, with kids. No, I was going to be someone – something – different. That was me. But now… well now I want to do right by Gus. I love that kid… my son. My life. Justin. He’s my salvation, I guess you could say. I should be pissed that he’s ‘making’ me give up who I was. But I know – cursing myself every damn day for my big mouth and yes… jealousy – I know that it was MY idea. It was my idea to be exclusive. It was my idea to move to LA. Everyone back in Pitts seems to think that this was all Justin’s doing. That he is making me do this… that he’s the reason behind this. I guess I’m really an ass for letting them continue to think that. But the thing is… who would believe me if I told them that if I stayed there I would drown. If I had stayed in the Pitts… I wouldn’t have made it much longer. I was spiraling out of control, and there was no way out of it. Justin saved me. I can only hope to keep him around. I can only hope to accept the changes he makes me make. The changes that I’m willing to make for – not only him, and not only us… mainly for me. I want the changes for me. * * * * * * * What is a man supposed to do? What should I do? It’s been almost a week since Brian moved to LA and we still haven’t talked about things we really should talk about. Yeah, I know. If we don’t talk about it, how will we ever get past the hard shit? We can’t talk about the ‘easy’ stuff, how can we survive? Honestly, I have no fucking clue. I’m kind of playing this whole thing by ear. One minute at a time. There’s a small part of me that is still doubting him, still wondering if there is anything else he is hiding from me. He says that there isn’t, and his whole body is telling me that, but it’s still hard not to doubt him. Am I making any sense? I want to believe him. I really do… I guess our track record on these sort of things just isn’t real good. Of course it’s not like I have been real truthful with him. There are things about me, things that I have done that I haven’t told him. Hell, I haven’t even told him really about the meeting with Hobbs… or encounter with Hobbs. I haven’t told him about how I got to LA, how I could afford to come to LA. I haven’t told him about my past. I guess there are things that should be left alone. I don’t think that he would be happy with some of my choices, but I know that there are things about his that I don’t like. We just have to learn to live with it. Brian’s been working non-stop since the day he arrived here, trying to get the office up and running. There’s a lot of work to be done before the New Year, and he has to go over the fiscal reports… so on and so forth… I don’t understand all that sort of talk, it’s jut not me. I’m happy for him though. I really am. He’s good at what he does, one of the best. If I had even half of the drive that he does, I wouldn’t have to worry about where the next ‘gig’ would come from. I have just felt lucky, I guess you could say. Lucky that I am able to have a job. Lucky that I have a steady job, and something for the next couple of years. But here’s the thing… I have something that Brian doesn’t. Uncertainty. I don’t know what I will be doing in ten years… hell, two years even. I mean, what if Angel gets cancelled? What if I don’t get another project after the show is done? So many things that are hanging over my head, that I don’t know what to think half of the time. I want to say that I’ll be alright, that everything will work out, but I can’t. My life is so up in arms most of the time, I don’t know what to think. What to feel. I have nothing besides this, I have no formal training. If I don’t have acting, what do I have? See what I mean. I have fears that I haven’t shared with Brian that I should share with him. I haven’t told him any of this, but I know I should. So here’s the thing that terrifies me the worst. If I can’t tell Brian my fears, and my past… how can we ever hope to make things work out between us in the long run? I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. Christmas… it’s just another day. At least that’s normally what it is for me. It’s hard to believe that it’s less than two weeks away. Brian is trying to get Gus over here, but it seems that there are some problems. I only hear parts of the conversations of course, but I can tell you that it is not pretty. Of course, with trying to get the office set up – which from what I hear is turning out to be a chore of it’s own – Brian doesn’t need his friends back in Pittsburgh to start in on him. Hell, he’s only been here a couple of days and it seems like everything has just blown up in our faces. Michael hasn’t called once, and I know that Brian is upset about that. Oh he tries to pretend that it doesn’t bother him, but I can see the strain that it’s putting him under. Then Lindsey and Melanie are now trying to back out of having Gus here. I don’t know some shit about how he should be surrounded by family and all that shit. I don’t think that it’s fair. I mean, they have him for Chanukah so why can’t they just do everything then? Maybe it’s something that I will never understand. I mean, for the past couple of years, I haven’t really given a damn about Christmas or any holiday really. Why would I? My family is at best strained… I don’t really talk to them. Hell, the only ones I’ve really been in contact with – well those who aren’t out to use me – have been my mother and sister. Everyone else either wants money or just like to use my name in order to get something. Christ, the tabloids alone have paid for their Christmas’ these past couple of years. So, I had wanted this year to be different. I wanted to experience Christmas like I had years ago before Hobbs. I wanted to spend time with Brian’s son – get to know him. I can only hope that we can change their minds. Brian is really looking forward to spending the holiday with his son. Me… well I just want to spend it with Brian. I want to have a nice, enjoyable Christmas. Have something – feel something – that I haven’t had in a long time. If Gus doesn’t show… then I’m afraid that I will have to try keep Brian from getting depressed. No matter how much he pretends to not care, I know he loves Gus and wants to spend as much time with him as he can. Brian is an enigma. A total and complete contradiction. He says one thing, but then turns around and does something different. His actions speak for him… his body language. Of course there’s his eyes. His eyes tell me everything. It’s amazing how quickly I was able to read him. Granted, I lost the ability to read him there for while. But of course he wanted me to NOT know. He purposely set out to make sure I didn’t. We’re still working on the whole… ‘I don’t want to tell you’ ‘It’d hurt your feelings’ Yadda, yadda, yadda… shit. But at least we’re talking about it all. That’s a step in the right direction, I guess. What’s going on with me? Well, not much really. Okay, the normal. Work, interviews, preparing for the premiere… so on and so forth. I’m trying to get used to having someone around all the time. I think, for me, that is the biggest thing going on with me now. I’m not used to having someone around all the time. See, although Blake lives with me, he’s not always around. He has his own apartment. Yeah, it’s connected to mine, but he has it. When I want to be alone, he leaves… and visa versa. This living with someone full time is strange. Both Brian and I have some adjusting to do, since neither one of us is used to having others around. But I guess, besides the normal crap things are going well. As well as they can for it being my life anyway. It’s strange, though, that I’m the one waiting around for someone to get out of work. Normally it’s the other way around. Since I don’t have anything going on during this break, I’m free to do what I want. Well with a couple of ‘appearances’. But Brian has a hell of a lot he has to do before the new year. He’s at the office – I swear – sixteen hours a day plus. I hate that we don’t have time to ourselves as much as either one of us would like, but that’s life I guess. We can’t change who we are. We both knew what we were getting into when this thing started. We have a long, hard road a head of us. I only hope we both stay sane enough to come out of it. But the one thing I know – the one thing I know for certain – is that we have to talk. We have to make sure that we are on the same page. We will work out, no matter what. I know he thinks that I took him back, but in reality… we took each other back. We both are allowing each other into our lives. Brian steps into the loft, and I immediately walk up to him and kiss him lightly on the lips. I breathe in his scent, and close my eyes – taking comfort in his presence, loving the feel and smell of the man that I love. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him, and I don’t want to know. I’m glad that I made the effort to take him back. “What are you thinking about?” He asks me rubbing his cheek on the top of my head. “How lucky I am that we’re together.” I tell him. “That I didn’t give up, and I decided to give it another shot.” I feel Brian’s hands move up and down my back, as he places butterfly kisses on my head. I need to ask. It’s something that has bothered me for a while, but have been too scared to ask. “Have you figured out where you’re going to be staying?” I ask him. I can only hold my breath and wait for his answer. I’m completely conflicted. One part of me wants him to stay here – never leave. But the other part of me, as I said before, is scared to death. Brian looks me over and I can see a small smile creep up on his face. Don’t even ask me what it all means, cause I have no idea. “Oh, I don’t know… I know I was kinda hoping to stay here.” He says, rolling his lips into his mouth. He’s nervous now, and it’s evident in his whole posture. I lean my head back on his shoulder, hiding the huge smile that is bursting out of me. “Really?” I ask. Brian shrugs. “Yeah, well… I was thinking… you know.” Oh I knew alright, and I don’t know if my voice will work I’m so happy. I raise my head off his shoulder and put my hands on the side of his face. I lean in and press my lips against his own, parting them with my tongue. I pull back slightly and rest my forehead against his. “I’d be honored if you stayed.” I tell him. “What do you say? Think it will work?” “I don’t know… but… I think I’m willing to give it a try.” I tell him. I feel the tension immediately leave his body. He picks me up and almost literally throws me over his shoulder and walks toward the bedroom. I guess talking is over for the next couple of hours. Not that I mind… we now have a lot of time to get the particulars out of the way… to get things straightened out. I just lean down and put my lips to his… Talking is so overrated at times. * * * * * * * TBC…