EXPERIENTIA DOCET Dum vivimus vivamus While we live, let us live This Chapter 26 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring : Lindsey Peterson, Michael Novotny, Emmett Honeycutt, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: December 2003. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * Two days. Actually two days, ten hours, eleven minutes, and so many fucking seconds. Not that I’m counting down or anything. But two more fucking days until I’m out of the Pitts. What can I say? I can’t wait. The sale of the loft is final, the moving company will be here tomorrow… things are starting to look up. Of course there’s the little thing of WHERE I’m going to put my shit, but until that’s finalized, they will just go into storage. Who knows, I just might sell the shit and be done with it all. Or better yet, get rid of Justin’s shit and put mine in. We haven’t talked about the living arraignments fully yet, but at least we have figured out that I will be staying with him for a while. If my plan works, there will be no need to try and look anywhere else. I just have to convince Justin that it’s the best solution. I don’t plan to lose this one. I think I have Lindsey convinced that Gus should come out for a couple of days for Christmas. Of course she still needs to ‘discuss’ it with Mel, so I still might lose out on that. It pisses me off that I have to go through Mel to get to see my son. Yeah, I had asked for it when I gave up my rights but dammit – does she have to take such fucking pleasure in making my life a living hell? I don’t know what will happen, but I do plan on spending at least a day with Gus… even if I have to come back here for a couple of hours. They are NOT going to force me out of his life. I’m not letting that happen. Then there’s Vance. He’s thrilled about this move. Of course, I think that the main reason is because he finally will get rid of me. He hates that I’m here, he hates what I represent. The ass knows that without me, this company wouldn’t be what it is today. He knows that and he despises it. I know that if he could find a way to fire me, without having to buy me out, he would. I love that he’s so torn up about it. The gang, in general, is thrilled with my leaving. Ted, I think, is just happy that I won’t be around to show him how pitiful his life really is. Emmett is just a fucking romantic and is thrilled about me being with Justin. It almost makes me sick listening to him go on and on about how romantic it is… how happy he is for me. Excuse me while I fucking puke! Deb, she’s almost as bad as Emmett. She is telling everyone about how the Great Brian Kinney finally grew up, and how proud she is of me. If she kisses me one more time, I think I’m going to deck her. Vic, of course wants me to try and find him some hot looking stud. He’s already planning a trip out sometime in the Spring, to which I told him that his expenses would be covered. I know that Justin and Vic will get along great. They have only met briefly, and I think that it will be good for both of them. The problem is of course Mikey. I don’t know what his problem is – well actually I do, but Jesus he can just get over it. Mikey still wants things to be like they always have been, he wants me to be the same person I was a year ago. Hell, just eight months ago. He doesn’t realize that I’ve moved on, that I’m moving forward with my life. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want him in my life – we’ve been though too much to do that. But I can’t live my life for him. I don’t know what I can do to convince him that I’m not abandoning him. The only thing I can do – that I can think of anyway – is to spend as much time with him in the next two days. I can only hope that it will ease some of his fears, and we can just move on with our lives. That’s what I want. * * * * * * * “So it’s over… you chose him over me.” Mikey whines. I had been here at Woody’s for a little under an hour and all I’ve heard is his bitching about my move. I have tried and fucking tried to talk to him – to get him to calm down – but nothing so far is working. “Just because I’m moving to LA doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be there for you if you need me.” I tell him. I don’t know what else to say. “I’m NOT leaving you, Mikey. I’ll still be a phone call away. It would be like we had planned when you thought you were going to the wild west with Doctor Dick. Nothing has changed.” I move away slightly when Mikey slams his beer down by my arm. I close my eyes to try and keep from lashing out at him, but it’s not easy. Not easy at all. “IT won’t be like that, Brian. You know that.” “And why the fuck not, Mikey?” I ask pinching the bridge of my nose. I can feel the headache forming and there is no relief in sight. “Why? Because it’s me and not you? Because I’m moving out to LA? Or is this little drama moment about Justin?” Mikey turns away slightly and I have my answer. It is about my move to LA, but his main problem is that I’m moving out to LA and staying with Justin. I reach over and put my hand on his arm. “Mikey,” I begin forcing him to look at me. “I’m going out to LA because of work. If I stay here, then I will have no where else to go. At least out in LA I can move forward, make a name for myself. I’m not moving out there just for Justin.” Mikey shook his head, and tried to turn away. When I wouldn’t let him, he turned to face me. “You say it’s because of work, but it’s not. You’re staying with him, right? You’re going to be hanging out with him. How can you say it’s not about that little shit?” “Because it isn’t!” I yell. I take a calming breath, and let it out slowly. “Even if Justin wasn’t in LA… if he was here in the Pitts, then I would still be going out to LA.” Okay, so that wouldn’t be entirely true… but Mikey doesn’t need to know about that. I know that if Justin was here, I would stay here… or convince him to go out there. That is just some things that Mikey doesn’t need to know. I turn so that I can face him. I hope that I can convince him that this isn’t’ the end of our friendship. Well it won’t be unless he makes a big damn deal out of this. I’m not the one who will end this… he will. I don’t want him badmouthing Justin… I can’t stand by as he tries to destroy Justin – hurts Justin. Justin doesn’t want to come between me and my friends. He doesn’t want that. So I have to try and make Mikey understand that. I don’t know if I will be successful, but I have to try. The last thing I want or need is for Justin to say that we’re over because Mikey can’t get past his childhood fantasies. “Mikey,” I begin. “Look… We will still be friends. Best friends. I’m not running away from you. This is something I have to do. If I stay here, I’ll fucking go nuts. This is what I’ve always wanted… to get the fuck out of this city. I would like to think that you’re happy for me. Whether or not Justin is there, doesn’t matter. I’m making this move for ME. I have to do this.” I can tell that Mikey isn’t buying it, and I am seriously beginning to wonder if this is even worth it. Is our friendship worth all this damn headache? “Mikey.” I say. “Miiikey?” I ask him this time in a little kids voice. “Come on… don’t be like this. It’s not like I won’t come back from time to time. And it’s not like you can’t come out there. Just because we won’t be able to go out every fucking night doesn’t change what we are. It doesn’t stop me from caring about you. You still are, and will always be my best friend. Nothing will change that.” “And Justin?” Mikey asks. “What about Justin? He has nothing to do with this. He doesn’t want to take your place, nor would I let him.” I honestly tell Mikey. “The only one who’s making an issue out of this is you.” “Oh, so now I’m the bad guy?” “Christ, Mikey!” I yell running my hand through my hair. “The world doesn’t revolve around you. I can’t live my life here in the Pitts, just because you can’t handle the fact that I might be with Justin.” “What? How can you say that? This isn’t about that little shit.” “Exactly,” I tell him. “It’s not.” I just turn and walk out of the club. I can’t handle any more of this shit. I know that no matter what, Mikey will always resent Justin – what Justin represents. I know this. Mikey can tell me that Justin has nothing to do with this, but I know it’s a lie. With Mikey… Justin IS the reason why he’s upset. I can’t help but remember that first day back from LA. I remember being at the diner, and Emmett and Mikey were all over Justin. How they kept going on and on about how hot Justin was… how great he was. But the minute Mikey found out that Justin and I were an … an ‘item’, then his whole outlook changed. He began to resent Justin. He began to hate Justin. I know this… I do. It doesn’t take a genius to know that. I’ve known that Mikey had these fantasies about the two of us. I know he wants, he dreams about the two of us together. I have never been able to break him of that… hell I guess you can say that at times I even encouraged it. It wasn’t right… but I needed that. I needed his hero worshiping… I needed him to always be there. The only problem is, I don’t need that anymore. I don’t need him to follow me around, to always be there. Okay… so maybe that’s not entirely true either. I do need him to be there… but not at the cost of our lives. He has Ben… he should be happy and concentrating on that. I have Justin, and for better or for worse, I’m going to try and make this work. I know that things won’t be easy, and I will need Mikey there to talk to – I just hope that he doesn’t screw this up for me. I want him in my life – I NEED him in my life. He just has to get over his childhood fantasy and work with me. “I am happy for you, Brian. You deserve this chance, but does it have to be in LA?” Mikey asked, walking out of the club to stand in front of me. “Tell me the truth. Did you LA because of Justin? There are hundreds of other places you could have gone.. why LA?” I just shake my head, not fully wanting to get into this with him. “You wouldn’t understand, Mikey. LA is the place I have to be. This isn’t about Justin… it’s about what’s right for me, and for Vanguard. You need to fucking let go. Grow up.” I tell him as I get into the jeep and pull away. I am so tired of fucking with this shit. Either he will get over it and stand by me, or he won’t. I’m not going to fight with him anymore. * * * * * * * “So tomorrow’s the big day,” Lindsey states as I sit down on the couch with Gus on my lap. He is what I regret about this move. I want to be here for him… teach him what he needs to know. I want to be there for all of his firsts. I know that Lindsey has told me that she won’t shut me out of his life, but there’s no guarantee of that. I won’t be around to make sure he gets what he needs. I won’t be here to make sure that Mel doesn’t turn him against me. I guess I’ll just have to make sure that I’m around as much as possible. It’s the least I can do. I do love him, no matter what anyone says or thinks. “Yeah. My plane leaves at 9:30 then it’s bright, sun-shiny LA.” “Did you talk to Michael?” She asked, getting right to the point. I nod, not giving her any more information. It’s none of her business. Plus, I’m not ready to discuss Mikey with anyone. It hurts that he is being such an ass about this whole thing. I never thought he would act like this, and I guess that I’m slightly disappointed. As the silence hangs in the air, I know she’s waiting for an answer. I look up at her and roll my eyes. “Yes, I talked to him, and no it’s none of your damn business.” “Brian.” She sighed as she sat down on the couch next to me. I look over at her, letting her know that I am not in the mood. “He’ll come around. The two of you can never be mad at each other for long. He’ll see that this is the right thing for you.” I close my eyes, and roll my lips into my mouth. “It doesn’t matter, Linds. Either he accepts it or not, I don’t really give a damn anymore. I am going, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Mikey has to come to his own conclusions, I can force him to accept it. And frankly, I don’t give a fuck.” Lindsey puts her hand on my arm and I just turn my attention to Gus. I guess she doesn’t realize I am tired of discussing Mikey. Deb’s been on my ass about talking to him… Everyone’s been on my ass about the whole mess. I quickly glance over at her, and put my hand up, stopping anything she was going to say. “Look, I have talked to him, and now the balls in his court. Either he is okay with it or not. No matter what, I’m out of this town tomorrow. I am not going to sit around here and hold his fucking hand. He’s a big boy… he’ll live.” “I just hate to see a friendship like the two of you have get destroyed.” “Well I’m not the one to destroy it now am I?” I tell her. I stand up and begin to walk around the living room, Gus still held tightly in my arms. “I’ve tried, Linds. God knows I’ve tried. He has his belief, and I can’t change it. NO matter what I say, he thinks what he wants and the truth doesn’t matter. That’s what the problem is. He hates that I’m going out there… he despises that I’m going out there and staying with Justin. Hell, if he could get rid of Justin then this whole discussion would be over. He would be fine.” I put Gus down to the ground when I see that he’s reacting to my anger. And yes, I’m angry. I’m fucking furious. “Mikey is threatened by Justin, and he doesn’t want me to be with Justin. It’s not because he’s worried about how I will look to the press, or any other shit like that. He’s upset because the one fucking time that I might actually want to be with someone… Fuck!” “It’s not him.” Lindsey says understanding. “I’ve always known that he had feelings for you, but I thought he had gotten over that.” “You and me both.” I tell her as I run my hand through my hair. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I can say to put his fucking mind at ease. Even though I’m with Justin doesn’t change my relationship with Mikey. At least that’s what I had hoped for.” I take a deep breath. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, just let everyone think what they want. Somehow, I guess I just snapped. I can’t take the bullshit anymore. I’m tired. “Mikey has been against this thing with Justin form the moment he found out about it. He’s done almost everything he can think of to destroy it. I don’t know how much more of his shit I can take.” Lindsey stands and wraps her arm around my shoulder – placing her head on it. “You hsouldn’t have to. He has to accept it. Justin’s good for you.” I smile down at her briefly, not denying that remark. Justin is good for me – in a lot of ways. He makes me think before I do something… he makes me feel alive. “Yeah, he is. I’m not going to give that up because Mikey is feeling insecure.” “Then don’t. Michael will get over it. It’ll just take time.” She tells me, and I want to believe her. I really do. Somehow, though I don’t think things will work out like that. I agree it will take Mikey a while to get over it… it’s the length of time that it will take that I’m not sure of. * * * * * * * I pull up to Mikey’s and walk up the steps. Knocking on the door, I wait for it to open. Ben stands there, moves off to the side so I can come in. “Brian.” He says in greeting. “Are you excited?” I shrug and look over at Mikey standing there. “More or less. This will be the last move for awhile, I can tell you that.” “Well I wish you the best.” Ben tells me. “I’ll just leave the two of you alone.” As Ben walks out of the room, I stand there just watching Mikey – looking for a sign. “How long are you going to be pissed at me?” I ask him. “I’m not pissed at you,” he said as he sat down in one of the chairs. “I just don’t think you’re making the right decision.” “It’s my decision to make. It’s my life, and what I do with it is my business.” I tell him, refusing to sit down. I don’t plan on being here that long – only long enough to get this shit off my chest. Things have been building for months, and I’m sick and tired of everything. I’m tired of his shit, and his snide remarks. “You’re my best friend. It is my business. I’m looking out for you.” “I don’t need you to look out for me, Mikey. I can take care of myself, and I know what I need to do.” I tell him, trying to hold in my anger. Mikey looks up at me with a serious look in his eye. “Do you? Cause I don’t think you do. I think you’re making a huge mistake.” “It’s my mistake to make. You can’t protect me.” “What happens when he gets bored with you? What happens when everyone finds out about you? Have you thought about that? Do you honestly want your life on the front page of every piece of trash out there?” Mikey asks, his voice rising with each question. “That’s my concern, not yours. If I didn’t think I wasn’t ready I wouldn’t be with him.” I inform Mikey. I put my hands in my pockets and look at him. I want him to understand, or at least start to. “I have thought about it all, Mikey. And I’m more than ready for it. I’m ready for it, and I am going into this with my eyes open.” “You’re going to get hurt.” “So?” I practically yell. I take a deep breath, and hold it for a minute before letting it out. “Mikey? I’m not stupid. Yeah, I can get hurt. I’m not stupid. Everyone gets hurt in a relationship… it’s part of life. But I’m doing this. With or without your approval. I just don’t need it. I don’t need to explain myself to you. I don’t need to justify myself to you. Yes, I want you there with me, to stand by my side… but I sure as hell don’t need it.” “Then I guess that’s it. Because I don’t know if I can do that. I can’t stand by and see you destroy your life.” Mikey tells me. I turn and leave. Stopping with my hand on the doorknob, I close my eyes briefly. “I hope you change your mind, Mikey. Because I’m not.” I left him there without another word. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I’m not willing to sacrifice Justin and what I have out there in LA for him. I can’t do that. This is my chance. My one FUCKING chance at being a part of something good. I’m not giving that up. Not for Mikey… not for anyone. * * * * * * * TBC…