EXPERIENTIA DOCET Annuit coeptis He has smiled on our undertakings This Chapter 23 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: November 2003. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * Shocked… that’s all I can say that I am. Brian is moving to LA! He’s moving here, and he wants me to help him find a place. I know that he wants to make things work this time, and I’m for it… but I never would have thought the he would do something like THIS! It’s beyond anything I ever thought… ever dreamed. Now, don’t you think that I’m not a little scared. Don’t think that I’m going to just forget everything… I’m not. I can’t. If I let go of everything… if I just let him get away with it, then that will give him the chance to do it all over again. At least that’s my fear. But I won’t let that fear, or the fear that I have of us, get in the way. The thing is … he’s here, he will be here, and I’m going to try to make this work. So, Brian will be here all the time starting the New Year. Now… now we’re just going to enjoy Thanksgiving together and see where it will lead us. I do have one thing that I have to do this long weekend, but it shouldn’t take too long. Then… well then I guess it will be just Brian and I for the rest of the weekend – since Blake is in Pittsburgh. Brian and I begin to walk back to the limo, and I can only smile at him. The thought that he is taking this chance – that he’s making this effort for US – hell, I can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now. He asked me if I was willing to take that step. I guess that the million dollar question. Am I? I stop and turn toward him. “Am I willing to take that step?” He nods, still holding my hand in his own. I can feel his nervousness, and I decide that I just can’t make him suffer too long. I’d like to, but I won’t. “Do you think that we really have a chance? A real chance?” Brian laughs slightly, nervously, and shrugs. “Hell if I know, but I’m willing to give it a shot. If we don’t, then we will never know.” I smile up at him, hoping to let him know that he doesn’t have to be nervous. “You can’t be serious! Who are you and what have you done with the real Brian Kinney? I know that this can’t be what you want… what you really want. Is it? Are you serious about this?” I ask him. I need to know. I really need to know if he’s serious about this. This move will change everything. He shrugs slightly and rolls his lower lip into his mouth. He takes a deep breath and I feel him hold my hand in his – his eyes staring deep into mine. “I’m serious.” He says. I take a deep breath myself and watch the emotions play across his face. He’s nervous, scared, but I see the love there. I know this is what he really wants to do. He really wants to give us a chance. He’s willing to prove to me that it will work out. “What the hell. I’m willing if you are.” I watch as the smile spreads across his face, and the light shines in his eyes. I know that this is the right thing for us. I feel my own fears slowly slip away, and I am ready to take that leap. Cause I know he’ll be there to catch me. * * * * * * * Just seeing the smile that is shining off of his face… fuck! I know that I made the right decision. If we are ever going to work out, we need to do this. I need to be here. That much I do know. It’s funny when you think about it, really. Here I am, Brian Kinney… Stud of Liberty Avenue – never believing in relationships and love – moving to LA to try and make things work with someone. The gossip lines, and emergency fag help-lines are overflowing with calls. The backroom for me is closed. Fuck me. I guess the real thing is that I’m not sorry. I’m not at all sad, or depressed like I thought I would be over it. I feel relieved, actually. I know that it’s time I grew up… time I start thinking about my future. Do I really want to spend my whole life alone… sitting on the beach somewhere with Mikey by my side. Hell it would be old, wrinkled me with Mikey and his newest love. I’ll be sitting there talking about the ‘good ol’ days’ wondering why I don’t’ have anyone to share my life with. Nah… it’s time to grow up. Time to move on. We head back to his place, and undress. Tonight… fuck, tonight all I want to do is have him beside me. It’s not all about sex with Justin and I – which would shock the hell out of anyone back home, but it’s the truth. We’re both tired from lack of sleep these past couple of weeks, and it just feels … I don’t know really. Natural I guess. It feels good to just hold him in my arms, to have him beside me, knowing that he will be here in the morning. Don’t get me wrong the sex is beyond great. But that’s not what we’re all about. It’s taken me a while to figure that out, but I have. Justin has his head on my shoulder, his leg wrapped around me and his arm draped over my chest. It just feels good. I have no idea where we’ll go from here, or where things will lead us, but I think that I’m ready. Hell I better be! * * * * * * * I wake up long before Brian, and there’s just so much that I have to do. I have that damn interview today at 2:00, calls to make before then… so much to do, and not enough time to even start it. Oh and let’s not forget that tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I still have to start the cooking if we’re even going to THINK about eating. And no, I am not going to some damn restaurant or some other shit to eat. I haven’t yet since I have lived on my own and I’m not going to start now. Of course I know that Brian can’t cook worth a damn so it’s mainly up to me. That’s fine by me, cause I love to cook. I just wish I had more time. Maybe I can get Brian to do some preliminary stuff while I’m at the interview today. Who knows? By ten, Brian finally drags himself out of bed, and heads straight for the coffee. I have learned to not even try and talk to him until he’s had that. I’m blond not stupid. “So what’s on the agenda today?” He asks sitting down on the edge of my desk. I’m grateful that he’s not sitting his boney ass on my papers. I pull out my PDA and hand it to him – showing him my complete schedule for the next couple of weeks. I know it must look totally crazy with appearances after appearances, but I’m used to it now. With the premiere in two weeks, I have a lot of things to do. Photo shoots, interviews – you name it I have it. I want to tell him ‘welcome to my world, Brian… aren’t you glad you chose me?’ But I can’t bring myself to tell him that. I’d like to think that he’s okay with it… but I’m not sure. This will definitely have to be something we talk in depth about. “Jesus, Justin… there’s like six things to do in two days here. How the hell do you fit it all in?” He asks staring at the calendar. I shrug slightly and sit back in the chair. “Half of the time I don’t really know. I mean, I’m so used to it by now. Just wait until I become a real star and see what happens.” I joke. And it’s true. At least now I don’t have the damn paparazzi on my tail every second of the day and night. Well I do at times, but I’m not that big of news yet. It’s getting there though with the show getting further and further into the season. And now that I’ve already signed to do Angel… fuck me. I reach over and put my hand on his, getting his attention. “Are you sure you really want to do this, Brian? If I hit it big… if I have even ONE staring role or big movie deal… anything, my life will be an open book. That means that anyone I’m with will also be front page, right along with mine.” Brian just looks into my eyes, I don’t know what he’s looking for, but all I can do is hold his gaze. I can only hope he finds what he’s looking for. Slowly a small smile appears on his face, as he leans in and lightly traces my lips with his tongue. “I’ve always loved sex in public places.” He said with a smirk. I shake my head, letting him know that that was NOT what I was referring to. “I know, I know.” He said raising his hands up in front of me, trying to stop any argument. “I’m fine with it… or at least I will be. Okay?” “Okay. I just thought I’d warn you… you know in case I ever become big and famous.” I say with a small smile. Brian shakes his head and looks back down at my schedule. “But honestly, Justin. Who is scheduling these things for you? Is this normal?” I stand up and look over at the small screen, leaning my chin on his shoulder. “Actually that’s pretty light. And Blake handles a lot of this… well along with Eric. Eric mainly only schedules the appearances, confers with Blake on when I’m available… so on and so forth. Hell, half of the time I don’t know where I am or where I need to be next. I think that Blake is wasting talent on just being my assistant. I’ve tried to tell him that, but he won’t listen of course. He can be so much more… I hate thinking that I’m holding him back.” “Maybe you should have someone else take over for him for a while. Give him a chance to try other things.” Brian stated turning his head slightly so he could kiss the tip of my nose. “All I’m saying, before you get your balls in a bunch is that you should talk to him about it… let him know that the option’s open. Especially if you feel so strongly about it.” He told me. And he’s right. I would feel bad – do in fact – if I hold Blake back from what he is destined to do. I nod briefly, then move away from Brian. Walking up to the bedroom, I start to pull out my clothes for the day out of the closet. “Do you think you could start some of the little stuff for dinner tomorrow? I’ll do the major stuff when I get back from this interview, but I don’t think I’ll have time to do it all.” I say over my shoulder as I start to pull on my pants. I feel Brian come up behind me and wrap his hands around my waist. “Yes, dear. I think I can cut a few vegetables and stuff without any problems. I’m not that much of a terror in the kitchen.” I smile and lean back against him. “I’m sure your not, but Brian?” I begin as I turn around in his arms. “This isn’t a little sandwich or a can of soup we’re talking about… this is our Thanksgiving dinner.” Brian pulled back pretending to be hurt. With his hand to his chest and his eyes wide in mock insult he shook his head. “You wound me, Sunshine. I am insulted.” “So you’re saying that you could cook the turkey all by yourself? That you could get the stuffing, and the casserole, and the pies, and the…. Well you get the point here. You’re saying you could do it all on your own?” I challenge him. Brian moved and sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at me as I started to pull on my shirt. He cocked his finger at me, and once I got close enough he started to button up my blue silk shirt. “I wouldn’t want to take away all your fun. Besides, I never actually said I could do it… well not without some help and plenty of encouragement.” He said with a sly grin. Everything with him is about sex, or at least has some sexual overtones. I just shake my head and sit down on the edge of the bed and pull on my loafers. “Okay.” I begin placing my hand on his leg. “I’m off, but I should be back by four. You know where everything is, and there’s a small list of stuff that you can do to help. Don’t worry about getting to it all.” Brian reached up and pulled me down for a kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth. God, if I didn’t have to be leaving NOW… fuck! “I think I can manage. See you soon?” “I pull away from him and close my eyes to compose myself. It wouldn’t do me any good to go outside with a fucking hard-on. “Later.” I whisper as I slowly make my way toward the door. “Later.” I hear him call out to me from the bedroom. Fuck, this man is going to be the death of me I’m sure of it. * * * * * * * Once the door closes, I walk over to my luggage and start to unpack. I didn’t get a chance to yesterday, so since I’m alone for the next couple of hours, I figure what the hell. Of course I am sort of hoping that Justin will invite me to stay here with him, but I’m not rushing that yet. I still have time to get him to see the benefits of that little arraignment. My little blond bombshell just needs a little convincing, and I’m definitely up for the challenge. As I walk into the bathroom, I can’t help but notice how similar Justin and I are in many things. We both like open spaces, large showers… and nice things. Yeah so he’s still a kid at heart – spending his Saturday mornings watching the Power Puff Girls, but I guess that’s what I like about him. He doesn’t let this shit get to his head like most actors. That is what my biggest worry was when Vance first proposed this whole mess to me. I thought that Justin would be like any other actor I had seen or heard about. Uptight, snotty… so full of himself he couldn’t see anything else. But what I found… fuck! I’m glad that I took this chance. There will never be anyone else like Justin. No one I’ve met anyway. He’s the only one who can match me wit for wit. He’s smart, witty, and sexy as hell. I remember when I was young… before I had even developed my little creed – I had dreamed about what my perfect match would be… about who I would spend the rest of my life with. Since I had always been partial to boys – men – I knew that I wouldn’t be in some large house with a white picket fence and two point three kids. No. I wasn’t going to be my father. Justin is the type of person that I had dreamed about. I had lost that dream for a long time… but seeing him again, talking to him – I had found that dream all over again. I felt like I was a kid in the candy store. I realize now that he is what I had been looking for my whole life, and I’m not going to fuck it up again. I believe him when he says this is the last chance – our last chance. I’m not going to screw things up this time. I’m going to try my hardest to NOT fuck this up. And if we fail… well at least I know that we gave it our all. At least we tried – at least I tried. Of course standing here at the kitchen counter making Thanksgiving dinner was NEVER a part of my dream. Fuck me! If the guys could see me now. I know what they would do and say. Deb would get all damn teary eyed, saying shit like how I’ve finally grown up. Emmett would just fucking cry. Ted… well I don’t know what Ted would do really. Mikey… fuck! Mikey would have a cow. I know that I’m going to have to sit down and have a long talk with him when I get back. He just doesn’t understand all of this, and I know he’s afraid that we won’t be friends anymore. Okay, I know he still has these damn fantasies about the two of us getting together… or God help me – grow old together on the beaches of Palm Springs or somewhere like that. But that’s just not me anymore. Mikey refuses to see that I’ve changed. That I wanted to change. Mikey has Ben now, and he needs to rely on Ben. Their relationship won’t go anywhere unless I’m out of the picture. It happened with Doctor Dick… of course I was happy that little fucking thing ended, but I like Ben. He’s good for Mikey. I have to stand back, step away from his life so he can make it on his own. He’s always relied on me too much, and I can’t let that happen anymore. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I wanted to make this move so badly. Yeah, the main reason is Justin. Justin and myself. Of course work does play a big part in this whole mess too. But I want the best for Mikey and for Gus. Neither one of them can thrive if I’m there hovering around in the background. I will always be counted on to fix one problem or the next, when they have to learn to deal with things themselves. That’s what I have to do. For the first time in my life, I’m not being totally selfish. Yeah, in a way I am… I’m making this move mainly for myself, because I want to make things work out between Justin and I. I know I can’t trust myself without him near. I know this. If things had stayed the way they were… I would have lost him. There is no doubt in my mind. I can make all the declarations in the world to him, make all the promises in the world, but in the end it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have fucked up. But being here, with him close by – now that’s how I know I can make it. I can look him in the eye and see what he’s saying, what he’s feeling. I don’t need to guess if he’s interested in anyone else… I don’t need to think about the stupid shit like time zones. I can concentrate on the good things – the right things. We can take the walks on the beach, and just fuck around in the loft. That’s what it’s all about. I realize that shit now. Okay so I’m a little behind the curve, I know. I’m thirty **cough** years old and I’m finally growing up. So, call me slow when it comes to love, but at least I realized it before it was too late. At least I realized that I needed Justin – WANTED Justin in my life before he walked out of it for good. I think I did pretty good on that aspect. So anyway, it’s a couple of days here, then back to glorious Pittsburgh to put the finishing touches on things there. By Christmas time, I’ll be here full time, and nothing’s going to hold me back. I’ll ask Lindsey and Mel if Gus can come out here a couple of times, and I’ll still be a part of their lives. I’m not leaving them… just changing locations. Making a life for myself instead of living everyone else’s. Hey… I think it’s about fucking time don’t you? * * * * * * * TBC