EXPERIENTIA DOCET Nihil de nihilo fit Nothing comes from nothing This Chapter 19 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, James Marsters, Nicholas Brendon Anthony Stewart Head, Daphne Chandler, Emmett Honeycutt, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: November 2003. Justin tells Brian what he wants. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * It seems like my life will forever be one long, winding rollercoaster. I want to forgive Brian, I do… but seeing him standing in front of me – well it’s not easy. All I can see in my mind is the look of betrayal he had that night. He was looking at Michael, feeling betrayed. The thing is, he could’ve told me. He should’ve told me, but he didn’t. He didn’t trust in me… didn’t trust in US to believe that I could understand. And I do. I really do. I know how hard it must be for him. He has never had anyone in his life that really loved him. His childhood was for shit, and all of his friends want something from him. I didn’t. Well I didn’t think that what I wanted was anything unreasonable. All I wanted from him was honesty – that’s it. Nothing too big. For him to tell me what he wanted, what he felt… nothing real big. I guess I should’ve left well enough alone. So yeah, I know he’s never had anyone that has wanted him, and only him… not some imaginary image of him. I wanted him for who he was… what he is. I understand his ‘slip’. He was scared, and although we were pretty much solid when he left… he got scared. He wasn’t sure what to make of us. While he knew that I loved him, he does not feel secure in that love. I wish he could, but that will take time. I have a lot of past betrayals and whatnot to get through. His walls have been intact and fortified through the years that trying to break them down is not easy. But I am determined. I can say that it seems that Brian is almost as determined as I am. When I got home that night after the signings, there had been a dozen yellow roses waiting for me. When I got home tonight, a small box with all my favorite movies. Okay, now you may think that he’s going about this whole ‘trying to earn my trust thing’ the wrong way… but with each little thing that he’s sent, he’s added something to it. Each one has a small note attached to it. Each one giving me something more than what material things can ever do. Each note is giving me a piece of himself, a part of him that he hadn’t shared with me before. Some are things from his past, some just what he’s feeling at that moment. Sharing with me himself. I’m in shock to say the least. I’ve never had anyone share that much of themselves with me. Granted I do love all this begging… it’s kinda nice to have someone come after me for a change. Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of ‘suitors’ and stalkers, but someone who actually cares. It’s nice. Beside the presents, there have been messages on my voice mail, both on my cell and at home. He’s a persistent fuck, that’s for sure. This convention is to last four long days, and with two down already, Brian has been at both days. He has just stood in the background, giving me silent support. I like it. I really do. He’s not pushing me to talk, and I guess I need that. In time I will talk to him, I just don’t know when. He hasn’t fully won my trust, that will take a long time, but he’s making a good effort. Who knows, maybe someday soon we can go out to have dinner, I don’t know. But we’ll see. * * * * * * * Today was a hard day for me… I don’t know how I ever made it through. Some crazy fan actually came up over the damn table to try and get to us. I freaked… really fucking freaked. Security got them out of there real fast, but I just couldn’t continue. I couldn’t go back out there again, and I don’t know if I can tomorrow, either. It’s just too much for me. Anthony and Nick got me out of there and into the limo faster than the blink of an eye, and I was on my way back to the hotel with orders to relax, and rest. When I got out, I saw Brian already waiting for me beside the hotel door. Before the security guard could push him away, I walked up to him and just held him. I needed something to keep me grounded… even if I didn’t like him too much right now – Brian would always be able to do that for me. I didn’t even realize that we had made our way up to my room, and sitting on the couch until at least 30 minutes later. I was so out of it that the world could have ended and I wouldn’t have even notice. I pull away from Brian and just look at him. I want to lose myself in him, but like a ton of bricks falling on my head, I remember WHY I can’t do that. I take a deep breath and stand. “Thanks,” I whisper. “Anytime,” he answers just sitting there watching me. “You okay?” I nod briefly, which we both know is a lie. I’m not okay… I don’t know if I ever will be. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just sort of freaked me out. But I’m fine now. Want something to drink,” I ask walking over to the small bar and pulling out something strong to help get rid of the after-effects. God, I’m so out of it. My hand is still shaking. Without his answer I bring the bottle of Brandy over to the couch and set down two glasses. Filling mine, I quickly gulp down the contents and reach for another. Just feeling the sudden warmth fill me, helps ease the tension that I’ve been feeling since the moment the guy began to come across the table. “Brian…” I begin. I don’t know what I want to say, but I know I should say something. I mean I should shouldn’t I? Brian puts his own glass up to his lips and drinks. “It’s okay, Justin. I am only here to help, if I can. Nothing has to happen. I’m not going to take advantage of you,” he laughed slightly. “It’s just that… I was… When I saw that guy come across the table… I freaked too. I’m not ready to lose you,” he told me staring right into my eyes. I nod slightly, not yet sure if I’m ready to get into all of that, but I am glad that he’s here. My own super hero, my knight in shining armor. Okay so his armor is a little rusty, but he’s still here. Somehow knowing that he’s here to watch my back makes things a little easier. “But for how long, Brian,” I ask. Dammit. I wish at times I could make my mouth NOT say what’s in my mind. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t…” “No, it’s okay. You have a right to ask.” He says. I feel bad in a way for even saying anything. “I want to be here for you, Justin. As long as you’ll have me. I can’t change the past, I don’t know if I even want to… but I want to make up for the mistakes I made with you. If you still want me.” Could things get anymore complicated? I mean he’s here, trying to help me get through this nightmare, and I’m being an ass. Fuck… oh well I can’t change it now. The can of worms is now open, why not go with the flow, and get everything out into the open. Right? He’s asking me if I still want him. “It’s never been a question of whether or not I want you, Brian. That’s never been in doubt… not with me. The thing is, can I trust you? Can I trust you to share things with me? Can I trust you with my heart and know that it will be safe?” “Yes,” he tells me. His voice is strong, like he’s a thousand percent sure that I can. I, on the other hand, am not so sure. “I wish I could believe that, I do. But you know how I feel, Brian. I don't think that it's an unreasonable request. The question is ... Can you? Can you allow me in? Into your life, into your thoughts?” Brian puts his glass down on the table beside him and reaches across to take my hand in his. “Yes. If you can give me another chance. I promise you, I will do everything in my power to show you what you mean to me… I will do what I can to prove to you that you can trust me. The question really is… can you? Do you think you can give me the chance to prove to you that I want to make this work?” I look down at our hands. “I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “When I still lived in Pittsburgh… after the … after Hobbs, my dad… all the times he told me that no matter what I did he would always be there for me, that he would always love me… it was all a lie. The moment he found out why – why Hobbs attacked me – everything that he had told me disappeared. He wanted nothing more to do with me.” I turn away from him and move toward the window. Taking a deep breath, I turn back toward him, and kneel down in front of him. “When I got to LA… there was this guy. He told me all the right things, made me feel things that I never felt before in my life. He was my first… everything. I thought he felt the same way I did… I thought he loved me. It wasn’t until I was laying in a hospital bed, suffering from a drug overdose that I realize that everything he told me was a lie. He only wanted me for one thing… the money I could make him. Josh… I didn’t even remember what happened, but they told me it was GSB. Between that and the alcohol… well I was pretty fucked up.” I close my eyes for a second, and I feel Brian’s hand once again on my own. I allow the comfort to enter me… despite everything he still makes me feel safe. “So you see… after that… then Ethan.. God that’s a fucking mess in and of itself. But after that, I told myself that if I was ever going to be in a relationship, there would be no secrets between us… no secret agendas. Just the two of us, and no one else. That’s why I was so upset… why I am still upset. In this business you never know who you can trust. Everyone wants something from you, they want to be the ONE. That’s why in my personal life… I don’t want to have to guess what’s going on. I don’t want to question what someone is doing, and what the reasoning is behind it. I NEED the honesty. I get the backstabbing, and the crazy shit all day long. I don’t want that when I come home at night. I don’t want to wonder what my partner is doing, and what secrets they are hiding from me. If it’s worth something then we can work through anything. Yeah, I’ll be hurt, but I can’t be kept in the dark. I need to know.” “I’m not really one to share those things, Justin. I never have been,” Brian explains. “Then there’s nothing for us, Brian. You have to trust that I won’t walk out on you the first sign of trouble… and I need to trust that you won’t keep things from me for fear of hurting me. I’m not fragile, Brian… I can handle it. I can handle your past…I can handle anything. What I can’t handle is being lied to. If I fuck up, or do something that you don’t think I should then TELL me. Tell me what you think, what you feel, and we’ll talk about it like adults.” “I’m kinda slow at these sort of things,” he tells me with a slight smile. “I can’t promise to get it right… hell I don’t even know what I’m doing half of the time.” “Neither do I,” I tell him. “I have no idea, either. But maybe we can learn… together.” I see his eyebrows go up at the last thing, and I know I just fucked up. I didn’t want to give him this chance this quickly… I really didn’t. I guess these past couple of days have been harder on me than I had originally thought. “Now don’t get all superior, Mr. Kinney. You still have a lot of work ahead of you. Still have a lot of groveling to do,” I tell him. I need him to understand just what it is I am saying. Brian sat back slightly, pulling me up to sit next to him. He turns so he can look at me directly in the eye, and I can feel that he wants to be sincere. “I’ve learned a lot these past couple of days, Justin. I know now why it’s so important to you, and I am sorry I hurt you. I can’t promise that I won’t fuck up again… but I know enough to know that I want you beside me, I want you there with me.” “I want that too, Brian. But it’s not that simple.” “Is life ever simple?” he asks. He knows that answer, so I won’t even voice it. Life isn’t simple… it sucks most of the time. “We’re both strong-headed, stubborn men… who will often fight, and clash. We’ll disagree often, there’s no doubt in my mind about that. The thing is, I want that. I want someone who challenges me like you do. You won’t let me just get by… you call me on my bullshit all the time. I need that.” Brian reaches across and runs his hand lightly through my bangs, pushing them out of my eyes. “I see what it’s like for you. And I know it can’t be easy on you. Everyone wanting to get a piece of you… wanting to be you. It can’t be easy. I don’t want to be you, and I don’t want a piece of you… I want all of you. I want to try and help you through this.” I bite my lower lip, trying to think of what I want to say, what he’s saying. That’s the most important thing I’ve learned… hearing what’s NOT being said. Hearing what’s being said and trying to find out someone’s hidden agenda. I guess that’s what life has made me do. I don’t feel any hidden agenda though from him. He does want me… all of me. Warts and all. “Being there… surrounded by all those people… I don’t know. I get scared, Brian. I can’t shake the feeling that Hobbs or someone like him will come out of the crowd and finish the job. I know it seems stupid, but that’s what I feel.” I feel Brian’s arms go around me as I lean into him. God, how I’ve missed this. I know I shouldn’t get comfortable, we still have a lot to work out, but for now… now I’ll just deal with it, take his strength into my soul. “I know, Justin. I know it can’t be easy on you. But I want to be there to help you, I want you to know that I’ll be there.” I lean back and look him in the eye. “Will you? Will you really?” “Yes. If you’ll let me.” “I want that, Brian. I do. But…” I begin. Can I take the chance? Can I give my heart to him again, with no limitations? No… not now. I don’t know if I can fully give myself to him yet. Not after everything. “It’ll take time,” I begin to tell him. I want to get this across without sounding like I don’t want to give it a shot… cause I do. “But… I’m willing to try.” I see Brian give me a small smile. Just those few words made his day, I can tell. “This is the last chance, Brian. After this… there is no more. I don’t know if I can go through all this shit again. I don’t know when I will ever fully trust you again, but I’m willing to try. Just… don’t hurt me again.” “I promise to try,” he tells me as he pulls me back toward him. I feel his hand lightly running across my back, offering me some comfort. Nothing sexual, but comforting. “I want to try, Justin. I want to try and earn your trust back.” “Then this is your chance,” I whisper against his chest. “The last chance… cause after this… I’m done, it’s over. I can’t go through this again.” “I know,” he whispers against my forehead. “Thank-you. Thank-you for giving us the chance.” I know that it won’t be easy – hell what with us has been so far? But I think that this time, we might stand a chance. We might actually make it work this time. I don’t’ know. Time will tell, but at least now, he knows where I stand. And I know where he stands too. We’re going to try. I guess that’s all anyone can ask for. The chance to try. I’ll give him that… but getting my whole heart and soul again… well that will take time. We’ll see how that goes. * * * * * * * TBC…