EXPERIENTIA DOCET Quadruplicatio Pleading on the part of the defense This Chapter 18 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Emmett Honeycutt and Brian Kinney Featuring Justin Taylor, David Boreanaz, James Marsters, Alyson Hannigan, Alexis Denisof, Nicholas Brendon Anthony Stewart Head, Daphne Chandler, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: November 2003. Emmett and Brian see what life is like for Justin, and Brian tries to talk to Justin. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * It’s hard to believe that I even agreed to go along with Brian’s little plan. I guess… well I guess seeing what Michael did – what Michael and Brian did, I can only say that I hated to see Justin hurt. And they did hurt him, in the worst possible way. I wanted to smack Michael! Now unlike Michael, however, I have seen the changes in Brian since his little trip out to Sun-shinny LA. I can only say that the reason behind it was a certain blond. Michael may be blind to what is right in front of him, but honey, I’m not. I see that Brian is head over heals for this young man. I only wish that Brian wouldn’t have hurt him so much. I wish I knew exactly what happened so maybe I can try and help. I want to see Justin, and – heaven forbid – Brian happy. I want them to go on and make this work. However, it’s not my choice. Brian has issues, and I understand so does Justin. I know that they need to make this work out between them, and that no one can tell them what to do. I just wish that they didn’t have to look so sad, that they could be happy. Of course however, I have known Brian for quite a while now, and I know he’s not really a catch… he’s not real easy to get along with on his best days. But who knows. Maybe they can make it work. We make our way into the building, and to say that I’m slightly overwhelmed would be an understatement. There are hundreds… thousands of people just standing around waiting to see the ‘stars’. There is a small stage set up to our right, and a large picture banner over the table. As Brian and I walk past a group of young teenage girls, I can’t help but over hear them. It’s frightening. They are going on and on about how ‘Angel’ is so hot, and how they want to be the one to ‘convert Lucas’. Now, I know that I’m not the sanest person in the world… that I can be a little extravagant, but this… “Do you believe that?” I ask Brian. “Don’t they know that it’s only a show? How can anyone live like that? I mean look at them” We both look over the crowd as the actors come out of a room in the back. All I can do is watch as some of the crowd starts to grope the actors. “I’m not worried about them… I’m worried about Justin.” Brian tells me. Finally security takes over and keeps those crazy people away. I look over at Brian and see his jaw tight, and his hands clasp in a tight grip. I swear I can almost see blood. We both stand there and hear another group talk about how they had gone up the limo when it pulled up – wanting to get a ‘piece’ of the actors. I can only imagine how scary that would be. I admire actors, I really do. I don’t know if I could deal with this, at least not with the same finesse that they do. It must be scary, absolutely frightening. I have heard of many actors or actresses being stalked, and I can’t understand why they do what they do. I can’t even begin to understand how they can still agree to do these appearances. Why would someone subject themselves to this day in and day out. “He’s looks very tense,” I whisper toward Brian. * * * * * * * I can’t keep my eyes off of Justin. I can almost see the wild look in his eyes, and I can only hope he doesn’t freak out. I remember him telling me once that he still couldn’t handle large crowds, and I can only imagine what it is like for him right now. I want to run up there and kick the living shit out of everyone who tries to touch him. Don’t they see that he’s scared shitless. Okay, so he’s hiding it well, but his eyes are giving him away. “Wouldn’t you fucking be? Jesus,” he cursed shaking his head. I quickly make my way into the line, and find that I’m about in the middle. This is just unfuckingbelievable. I can hear the actors talking in the microphones about one thing or another, but all I can think about is getting up there to Justin. I think I finally understand what it is that Daphne was trying to tell me. Justin needed someone to help him through this shit. Just standing there watching as the line begins to move – watching as all these people around me yell and scream for those on the stage. Calling out the names of their characters, not even realizing that they are real people, with real lives. I guess that it just bothers me. They don’t see Justin sitting at home, beer in hand, just watching TV. They don’t see him as he wakes from a nightmare, scared out of his mind. They don’t see shit. All they see is the character on some damn show. I think about what Daphne told me – about how Justin had no one he could really trust, no one that he can talk to. Knowing how much he still suffers from the attack all those years ago, one would think that I would’ve realized all of this sooner. What can I say… I’m a idiot. I can tell you that seeing him sitting there, with a fake smile plastered on his face, I know he’s not having a good time. Yeah, he’s joking it up with some of the fans, but I just can’t get that wild look out of my mind. I almost rush up to the stage when I see some fans run behind the table, trying to get to Justin and the others. I want to run up there and beat the shit out of them. They are lucky that security stopped them, and dragged their asses off the stage. I think back to the day that Mikey told Justin, and I can see where Daphne says he was embarrassed. Hell I know I would, and what would it be like to be him? He walks into a room and people know him. What would it feel like to walk in to a place and have someone basically tell the world that you’re not good enough. That’s basically what it said, what it meant. No, it’s not what I meant, but I can see where it could be believed as that. I can see where people would get that impression. I was just so pissed that he had not wanted to hear me out, that I didn’t even think about how it might look, how he might be perceived. I never care what people think of me, either they like me or they don’t – who cares? Justin is different thought. His livelihood is made by what people think of him. He makes his living by what people think of him. If people think he’s a good actor then he makes money… if not then he’s fucked. No jobs, no income. He’ll be out on street faster than you can even blink. And the rumors. Fuck! What is it like to have your life an open book? Between the crazy fans, and the paparazzi… a person can’t do shit without a camera or someone in their face. The next thing they know, some picture of them naked or fucking, or god knows what is appearing on the front page of some newspaper or magazine. Nothing is sacred. I know that Justin never realized it would be like this when he first came out to LA. All he wanted was to make some money. All he wanted was some income so he could eat, and have a place to stay. Justin told me he can’t trust me, that he’s not sure he can forgive me. I think I’m finally starting to understand why. * * * * * * * As Brian and I get closer to the front of the line, I try not to feel sick. Hearing all these people around me talking about how they were going to fuck so and so… how they were going to marry this person or that. Some of them are using real names while others are still stuck on the character names. Now, I know there have been times that I myself have felt that way about someone I saw on the TV or in a movie. I don’t know… maybe I have grown out of that. Alright so there was a time when all I could think about was how I wouldn’t mind getting a small little taste of Justin… but that was before. Now I see a beautiful young man who is in desperate need of some real friends. Who needs someone to love. Now, I volunteer for the friend part, and Ithink we made some good head-way into that area when he was in Pittsburgh. I can only hope that he and Brian will fix things between them. This young man deserves to be happy. To have someone who he can share all of this with. That’s my wish for him. It must be agonizing for him. Who does he trust? Who can he trust to NOT share a secret with the press for a couple bucks? It’s like when it came out that he had gone out with this one actress. From what Justin told me it was nothing – he was gay for crying out loud. But someone took pictures and sold the story to one of those trash magazines, and the next thing I see is messages that Justin’s lying about being gay. That he’s engaged to be married with said actress. It’s absolutely frustrating. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like. When we finally reach the front of the line, I can see the total exhaustion on Justin’s face. The poor baby. All I want to do is go up there and give him a hug, and never let him go. As I steal a glance at Brian, I can see that he’s upset by what he sees as well – more so than me. But then again, I’m not as … well acquainted with Justin as Brian is. The man I’ve known for years looks like he’s ready to start tearing people apart. I start at the head of the table, and have each one sign a souvenir that I brought with me. Don’t even get me started on just HOW much I wanted James Masterson’s, or David’s autograph. They are just too delicious for words. By the time I reach Justin I watch as he just laughs at something that the person in front of me said. She moves on, and I put my book down in front of him. “Hey, baby,” I say. Justin looks up and instantly a large smile appears on his face. I think it’s the first real smile I’ve seen all day, and I can’t even tell you how happy it makes me that I was able to do that for him. “Em,” he yelled and stood up from his seat. Reaching across the table he pulls me into his arms for a quick hug and kisses me on the cheek. “It’s good to see you,” he tells me honestly. “You too, baby. I’ve miss you,” I tell him. I take a quick look around, and I can see, and feel mind you, the daggers as some fans stare at me. I can feel their anger. They’re just upset that he didn’t get all excited with them. Well I am the president of the Pittsburgh chapter of his fan club, and I have been talking to him each day since he left on the chats. I think.. no I know we hit it off when he was there. I realized he’s not at all what I thought… he’s a lot more adorable. I would do anything for him, there is no doubt in my mind. “How have you been, baby?” Justin sits back down and shrugs slightly. Taking out his sharpie, Justin starts to write something on the book I have. “Okay. You know the usual,” he says as he continues to write. I swear to god, he’s writing a novel. Not that I mind, of course. “Busy as ever. How are you,” he asks as he hands me the book back. I shrug slightly, and smile. “Fabulous.” Justin smiles and shakes his head. A man could live for his smiles. Justin glances to my right and sees Brian standing next to me. Taking a deep breath, he turns his attention back to me. I try to give him a sympathetic look, I am sorry, after all, for putting him in this position. Justin put a fake smile back on his face, and I feel so bad. “Look, how about we go grab a bite to eat one night while I’m here,” he asks me. The underlying words ‘alone’ and ‘without Brian’ came across perfectly clear to me. I tell how I would just love to, and he wrote down his cell number for me. Okay, now don’t get me wrong – since I would NEVER do this – but can you imagine how much this number would go for? I give him another kiss on the cheek as I move on to the next person. I think that everyone is now interested more in the scene that is playing out beside me than they are in what’s happening right in front of them. Hell who wouldn’t if you knew what has happened. I watch as Brian looks Justin over, and hands the man something. Justin immediately looks up at Brian, shock evident on his face. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” he quietly hiss. I thank god that Brian and I are the last two in line before they all take a break. I can tell that after this, Justin will definitely need it. I’m also glad because I would hate to think of what the next person would think if they saw and heard what was going on. “Can we just go somewhere and talk,” Brian asked quietly. “I promise it won’t take long.” Justin just laughs slightly and shakes his head. “You promise? I’ve heard that before, Brian.” I want to cry out at the obvious pain I hear in Justin’s voice. Evidently I’m not the only one as I see Anthony put a hand on Justin’s shoulder. The older man whispers something in his ear, and Justin nods. “Fine. Just wait over there, and we’ll go and talk,” Justin agrees. Granted it was reluctantly, but I am slightly happy that he said yes. I will forever believe that they belong together. Justin is good for Brian. And believe you me, Brian needs someone who can keep him on the right path. Brian’s not as much of a pain in the ass as he was before the trip a couple of months ago. I can actually tolerate him. Well that was until the day that Justin walked out of Brian’s life. See the thing that the other’s don’t understand, and it’s something that I have been trusted with – this isn’t the first time Brian had lied to Justin – the first time he’s betrayed the man. I have always heard three strikes you’re out. I guess that you can say – if this works and they get back together – Brian is the luckiest fag in the world. He’s not only gotten his three shots – which by the way he’s screwed up – but he’s getting his FOURTH! I don’t know if I would be as forgiving and willing to put my heart on the line like Justin. But… I make a silent promise to myself and to Justin at that moment. I will keep in eye on Brian. If they work things out between them, I swear I will try everything that is within my power to keep them together. To hell with what anyone else says. * * * * * * * I stand off to the side and Justin comes up to me. Nodding toward a door to the left, I follow him down a short hallway. We get outside and he pulls out a cigarette. Pulling out my lighter, I light it for him. I want to try and get us on a level playing field. I don’t want him on the offensive, even though I know he already is. I can only guess what’s going through his mind right now. Surprise, anger, hurt… everything. It’s not like he expected me to be here. Hell I didn’t even expect to be here. But I have realize that we do need to talk. He needs to hear me out. I’m not one to ask for forgiveness. I’ve always believed that sorry’s bullshit. I wasn’t sorry when I fucked up, I do regret it. I regret hurting you.” I take a cigarette out of my pocket for myself, light it, and take a deep breath. I can only hope that the nicotine can calm my nerves. I have never done anything like this before. Jack always made sure that I knew what would happen if you did something wrong… it never mattered how bad you felt about it, how ‘sorry’ you were. “I know I fucked up, and I don’t expect you to forgive me. I only ask for a chance to show you … to prove to you that I want to change. I want to try and give us a chance.” Justin only looks out at the night skyline. It seems strange not to see the towers in the night sky, but I shake off those depressing thoughts and try to focus only on making things right between Justin and I. “Why should I? Why should I give you another chance? I’ve given you one chance after another, Brian. I don’t know if I can handle it again. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you… if I can ever trust you again.” “Is there a chance … I don’t know, maybe,” I ask him. Justin shrugs. “Why?” He finally asks. I take a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. This is the chance I have been looking for. The opportunity to explain my actions. The only problem is, and I know it – there is no real excuse for what I did. “I was jealous,” I begin. I laugh slightly at the absurdity of it all. “I was stupid. I tried to call you… well I waited for your call. Anyway, I guess I forgot about the time difference. When I didn’t hear from you… All I could think of was you being at that party with Neil. I know it’s not a good reason, but I … I’ve never been in a … relationship before. I got scared.” Justin shook his head, and I can see him biting the inside of his lip. “That’s just perfect. So I’m to blame? I went to a party where Neil was, and you thought I was going to fuck him? IS that it?” “No… I told you, I was stupid. I forgot the time difference, and I just… I don’t know,” I say running my hand through my hair. At the time, there were so many things running through my mind – so many images. I couldn’t think straight. “I won’t excuse, and I can’t make it go away. You know me, you know what my life has been like. You know that I’m not good at this shit. I fucked up, I admit it. But dammit, I’m trying here. More than I have ever tried before in my life.” I turn toward Justin, so that we can look each other in the eye. I want him to see my sincerity. And I am serious, I am more serious than I have ever been before in my life. “I want to make it up to you, I want a chance. I think we have a shot at something, and I have to admit that I’m a better person when you’re around.” Justin turned away slightly. “Brian,” he said and I can hear the pain in his voice. It tears me up inside that I’ve caused him to hurt like that. “I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I can just forget. You promised me you would, and even though I didn’t think you’d be able to do it, I went along with it. I thought I’d give you that chance. I wanted you to be able to follow through, but I knew deep down that you wouldn’t. I just knew it.” Justin shakes his head, trying to clear it I guess. I wonder if he hurts half as much as I do. I fucked up, yes, I’m not denying that. I can never deny that. I only want to know what I can do to make up for it. Instead of saying anything I let him get everything off his chest. I owe him that much. “It’s not so much that you fucked around, Brian. I did a lot of thinking, and it’s not that… well not entirely that,” he laughed slightly. He knows that I don’t believe that my fucking around didn’t hurt him. I know it did. And he can’t tell me that it didn’t. “The thing that hurt the most is that you didn’t tell me. That you didn’t trust me enough to work it out. I would’ve forgiven you… I would have. But the fact remains is that you didn’t trust me. You kept it to yourself, thinking that if you didn’t tell me that it could go away.” Hearing him, I feel like I have a ton on my chest. I can’t breathe. I wish I could turn back the clock and change things, change the fact that I fucked up. But the thing is I can’t. I know it. “But it didn’t, Brian. I felt like you couldn’t trust me… trust in what I felt for you. Do you have ANY idea what it felt like? Any at all?” I wanted to answer him that I did… that I knew, but I couldn’t. I have no idea what it was like for him. Yeah, we both have been fucked up by our pasts, but I haven’t been through what he has, what he is STILL going through. I can’t understand, not completely. “It hurt. It hurt like hell. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I felt like my soul had left me. I was empty, and alone in a fucking city I HATE… in a city that almost destroyed me. I got out of there. I made something of myself. I’ll be dammed if I let you destroy me again. I can’t do that again. I just can’t. I don’t think that I can survive it the next time.” Justin turned to leave, and I close my eyes. I can’t stand to see him walk away from me. I just can’t. “Justin,” I call out, and I’m amazed he even heard me. “Please. I don’t know if I can go on without you. I don’t know if I want to.” “Then show me, Brian. Show me that I can trust you, that you won’t hurt me again. Show me that you can trust me. If you can’t do that, then there’s nothing more to discuss.” Hearing the door close behind him, I can only look out at the New York sky. This day sure as shit didn’t turn out the way I had planned it. I had hoped that things would be worked out by now. I guess I really am a novice at relationships. I thought I knew what he needed, what he wanted. The only thing I do know is that I have to try and earn his trust again. I have to trust him with everything that I am. It’s the only way either one of us will survive. I’m not giving up on us quite yet… it’s not over until I say it is. And it’s not over yet. * * * * * * * TBC…