EXPERIENTIA DOCET Pons Asinorum The Bridge of Fools This Chapter 15 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, Jennifer Taylor, Molly Taylor, Daphne Chandler, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: November 2003 Justin must face his family, and deal with his old life in Pittsburgh, before returning to LA. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * I had called Molly last night, and told her that I was going to pick her up at school today. I would bet a million dollars that she was jumping up and down. I talked to mom for a bit as well, and I know she wants to see me. I just told her that I would try to do that tonight, but no guarantees. So here I am, standing outside of my old school, trying to keep the memories from flooding through my mind. I don’t want to remember the hell I went through here, of everything that I lost. Standing there by Daphne’s car, I watch as Molly comes down the stairs followed by her friends. Everyone is walking past pointing, and gawking. Everyone is wondering what in the world I am doing there. Molly reaches me and her friends are all giggling standing beside her. “Ready,” I ask her, not wanting to really get into a whole mess with a bunch of teen-age girls. “Justin I want you to meet my friends,” she said quickly going through introductions. I smile and shake their hands, just wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible. I know it will be worse as time goes on, since she did say she wanted to go to the mall. Can we say that I have arrived in hell. Fuck me. But she’s my sister, I love her, and I haven’t really seen her a lot in the past couple of years. So I’d do anything for her. “Okay, let’s go. I’ll see you guys later,” she said to her friends as she climbed into the car. I go around to the drivers side and get in. “You did that on purpose,” I tell her. Molly tries to look all innocent, but I know her too well. “What you think that knowing me will push you up on the social ladder at school?” “Well duh,” she said. “Kathryn Jessup kept telling me that I was lying, and she didn’t believe me. She’s a major bitch.” I look over at her quickly wondering slightly when she started talking like that. I always used to get yelled at by mom and dad when I even attempted swearing in front of Molly. “Anyway, why shouldn’t I use you to get a head. I mean you’re like on almost all the girls’ lockers and stuff. I try to tell them that they are all full of shit, cause there would never have a chance with you. They kept telling me that the news of you being gay was wrong, and you were the hottest stud in all of Hollywood. Now… well now, they will be all over me, hoping to get a chance to talk to you. It works out perfectly.” “Ohhh well, it’s good to see that I’m good for something, Mollusk,” I tell her rolling my eyes. What an honor it is to be the fantasy of young girls everywhere. Great! Not! “Let me guess, you never once told them that they were wrong – that I am in fact gay.” Molly just shrugged. “Why would I do that?” Shaking my head, I try to understand the reasoning of a thirteen-year old girl. I know, it’s impossible, but hey. “Maybe cause it’s true.” “So, they don’t need to know that. We’re entitled to our fantasies. So what if they think that. You are like the next Leonardo DeCaprio.” Fuck me. “Yeah,” I say sarcastically. “So how many of your schoolmates did you tell about our little mall excursion?” “Come on, it’s not like I had them announce it on the speaker, or hand out flyers.” I am in so much trouble. Have I mentioned how much I hate this? Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut, and told her that a nice quiet night at home would be good. But no. I had to ask her what she wanted. I really need to ask Alyson what a girls are like. Alyson or Daphne. Help me. Hopefully I can get past this and get out of there in one piece. Why do I suddenly wish that I was on speaking terms with Brian right now? Why do I think that maybe I should just drop Molly off at Mom’s and go talk to him? Simple. Cause talking to Brian seems less dreadful than this little quality time with my sister. * * * * * * * Can it get any worse? I really thought I was prepared for this, but it by far a thousand times worse than anything then I have imagined. Here I am, in the mall, hanging out with some twenty teenage girls. Could life get any worse? Why don’t they just kill me now? Every time that I try to tell them that I need to check something out, hoping to get away from them – they follow me. I am so going to kill Molly when this is over with. Never again will I make this promise to her. She’s on her own. They are all asking me questions, touching me – not like that thank god – and I feel one hell of a headache coming on. Who was I kidding? Thinking that I could do this without help. Why does god hate me so much? I can just see Nick now… laughing his ass off. Oh yeah, he’d get a kick out of this. The fucker. Finally I am able to get away from them, since there is no way in HELL I will go into Fredericks, and I go into a nearby store. I look up quickly and just freeze. There is no way in hell I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing. No way. Now I’m certain that someone hates me… fate couldn’t be this cruel. I want to run, I want to get as far away from here as possible, but my feet seem to be securely cemented to the ground. I can’t move, I can’t breathe, nothing. All I can do is stand there and stare… stare at the one person who had hurt me the most. The main reason why I ran. Chris Hobbs was in the very store that I am in. Chris Hobbs is fucking standing not twenty feet away from me. Chris fucking Hobbs is here. I guess that Anthony was right – I’m NOT over it. I feel the panic start to rise up in me. I need to get the fuck out of here. Now. I feel someone lay a hand on my arm and I try not to cry out – but I couldn’t stop jumping slightly. “Hey,” I hear a quiet voice beside me. Through a haze I can barely make it out as Brian. Right now it could be anyone, and I don’t know if I would really care. Anything to take my mind off of who is standing so close to me. “I gotta get out of here,” I tell him as I quickly make my way toward the entrance and out of there. I spot Molly in the hallway waiting for me, and I just tell her that I have to go outside for a bit. I told her I’d meet up with her later. I don’t even notice if Brian is following me or not, and I’m not sure I care. All I know is that I had to get some air before I go into a full panic attack. Once I get outside I pull out my small bottle of pills, and pop one in my mouth. Sitting down on the small stone wall, I put my head down hoping to catch my breath. I fumble with my pack of cigarettes, hoping that it will help calm my nerves. Suddenly I see a cigarette in front of me, and a lighter being held in large hands. “Here,” I hear Brian say. “Thanks,” I quietly reply. Lighting the cigarette, I take a deep breath letting it fill me, calm me. I can feel the panic reside and I close my eyes calming even more. I feel Brian sit down next to me, and lights up himself. “Want to tell me what that was all about?” I suddenly remember that I’m pissed at him, and I really don’t want to deal with this right now. “Not really… just say someone that I wish I never had to see again. That’s all,” I briefly tell him. “Justin,” he begins. “Brian, stop,” I say not looking at him. I can’t look at him, not now when I’m feeling so vulnerable. I know that if I do, I’ll forget everything that has happened between us lately and I’ll give in… give in and let him off the hook. I can’t do that. I respect myself enough… respect him enough. “I can’t deal with … us right now. I don’t think that this is the time nor the place to even have a discussion on … on that shit. Okay?” “Am I going to have the chance? Are you going to give me a chance,” he asked me. I don’t know… I really don’t know how to answer him. Do I say yes, then leave town and never talk to him again? Do I give him the chance, and let him hurt me all over again? “I don’t know, Brian. But it seems like you’re following me around, so who knows.” I turn slightly so I can look out at the parked cars, still not ready to face him yet. “Why are you following me around? I mean the University, here… what’s next? You can’t force me to talk to you, Brian. You can’t force the issue. If and when I’m ready you’ll be the first to know. Btu right now, I can’t. Just leave me alone right now. Go about your life, like you never met me, and when I’m ready we can sit down like two civilized adults and talk about it. But right now, I’m not even close to the right frame of mind to listen.” Brian is silent for a while, as we just sit and smoke our cigarettes. Neither one of us knows what’s going on, or where anything is going. I don’t know if we even want to know right now. “Do you want to tell me what that whole mess was in the store there? I know that something scared the shit out of you. Who was that guy?” I shake my head and take a deep breath. “I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m okay now. Really. I don’t need you to try and make it all better.” “I just want to be your friend, can’t I do that,” he asked exasperated. I can tell that he’s upset, and I just don’t have it in me to try and calm him. Not right now. “Justin, no matter what happens between us, I want you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk,” he informed me lightly laying his hand on my arm. “I hope that that hasn’t changed.” I stand and stub out my cigarette. “I don’t know Brian. I don’t know if I can stand to be around you right now. You embarrassed the hell out of me that night. I don’t know if I can go through this shit again. I need to be able to trust you again. That’s what relationships are about. How can I trust you again? How can I go back to LA and trust that you’re not going to fuck around on me? I don’t trust you.” “What can I do to get you to trust me again,” he asked me. I close my eyes, and shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know, Bri. I really don’t.” I left him there, and headed back into the mall to find Molly. I needed to get out of this damn mall… out of this damn city. First I had to drag a certain teenager away from her friends. * * * * * * * I walked up to the front door of my parent’s new home, and I quickly take note that my dad’s car isn’t in the driveway. To say that I’m absolutely pleased with that would be a complete understatement. I really am not ready to deal with him right now. With his hatred toward what I am. It’s the last thing that I want to deal with… ever. I’ve dealt with enough hate in my life so far, and I can’t handle it anymore. I am so tired to being judged and prosecuted for being gay, for being who I am. Slowly I head up the stairs toward the living room. It’s a different house, but I still feel the same I did when I left. My dad, and some others, all think that this is either a phase or I chose to be this way. I want to throw all the books and shit in their face and tell them to fucking learn what it is to be gay. It’s not a phase or a disease. Fuck. Some people seem to think that a fist or a bat will ‘straighten’ me out. Yeah right, like that will ever happen. I knew I should’ve just let Molly out of the car and drove off. But NO! My sister pouted and whined until I gave in. Now, standing here in my parents’ living room, wondering if I will get out of this in one piece. “Justin,” I hear my mom cry out as she comes out of the kitchen. “How are you doing? I’ve missed you,” she said as she pulled me into a hug. “I’m doing okay, Mom,” I say as I let myself be comforted by her love. God, I’ve missed this. Mom has always been there for me… well for the most part. I wish that things had ended differently, that she had been able to love me the way I wanted her to. But that’s selfish… she had Molly to worry about, and it wasn’t like Dad gave her much of a choice. I know that she regrets it, but to me it’s still a small comfort. I was tossed aside like and old, worn-out shirt. Mom has tried to make up for it… she has – and I love her for it, but the pain is still there. I need my mom, more times than I care to admit. “I missed you too, Mom.” Mom pulls back and looks me over. “You look wonderful,” she says with tears in her eyes. “Are you staying long?” I know she wants us to be a family, to be what we once were. The only thing is I can’t go back to that. I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not, and that’s what Dad wants me to do. Mom… well Mom wants things to be the way they were before I left… years before I left. She wants her family back, and wants me to be there with them. I can’t do that – too much has happened. There is just too much pain that I can’t ignore it anymore. “I’m leaving in a couple of days. I’m here for a project, that’s all.” “Oh,” she said – the disappointment evident in her voice. “You’ll at least stay for dinner? I’m sure your father…” “Mom,” I begin interrupting her. “You know I can’t. Not after… I can’t. I love you -- you know that -- but I can’t. I better go. I’ll call okay,” I tell her and Molly, then walk out the door before they can say anything more. The thing is… I would love to stay, to have that back. I just know that it will never happen. No matter how hard I try. It’s in the past, and I’m done with it. * * * * * * * Laying in on the couch in Daphne’s small apartment, I place the cigarette up toward my lips and take a deep breath. When I had left LA, everything seemed so hopeful. I had high hopes for this trip. I had hoped that I could finally put the past behind me, and go about my life – finally live my life. I wanted to have things work out between Brian and I… have his friends like me, have my family be like we were before. I guess I was just living in a dream world. I was sooo wrong. I know I should sit and listen to what Brian has to say, I know that I should. The only problem is… the pain right now is just too strong. I feel as if my entire being is being ripped to shreds. I wish he had told me himself. I might have – and that’s a BIG might – have been able to forgive a little easier. I don’t know. I guess I’m just pissed that he took the choice away from me. Looking at everything now, I think – no realize that is my biggest problem. It’s not so much that he lied to me, I mean yeah it hurts a LOT, but it’s the fact that once again someone took something from me. All my life I’ve had people make decision for me. It was always someone telling me what to do, what to think, what to feel, what to… hell everything. That was one of the main reasons why I left his town, why I took that guy up on his offer. It was the first time in my life where I was able to make my own choices, my own decisions. With my parents, it was always you will… you will. Do this… do that. ‘You’re not to talk about your disgusting life-style… you’re not be gay.’ What the fuck ever! I left here, wanting to me myself… wanting to be able to make my own choices, my own mistakes. That’s what I wanted. I was happy… well as happy as I could be. When I met Brian, I knew pure happiness for the first time in my life. I knew that I wanted him in my life, that I wanted everything. I thought things would be different that I would have a choice. God, even there in LA I was being told what to do. What I should do, who I should see… who I can be. It’s like with this whole Ethan thing. Ethan is my type… we would be perfect for each other. Talk about making me fucking sick! Then there’s the whole mess saying that I can’t hold Brian’s hand… anyone’s hand … in public. I can’t be who I am in public. Okay now don’t get me wrong, I know what I was getting into when I agreed to take the job. I agreed to play by certain rules, and I can do that. I can accept that. But I won’t have them dictate who I can and can’t see. I can do the ‘proper’ thing out in public, but my private life is just that… private. And Brian… God! What do I say about that? I love him, there is no doubt in my mind. But no matter what I say or do, it just may not work out. He took the right for me to make the decision on my own. I’m not saying that it would have been perfect, and that I would’ve forgiven him… well not right away, but I know that I would’ve had the chance to choose. Instead I had that right taken away from me. His friend – ha! – took that away from me. I’m not stupid, really. I know that I will forgive Brian. There’s no doubt in my mind that I will. I will forgive him, and we’ll be back together. I don’t want him to NOT be a part of my life. I love him, and I want him beside me. The only thing is… this time, it will be on MY terms. I will make him come to me, more so than before. He will have to beg for forgiveness. And when I’m sure that he won’t try to pull this shit on me again – once I know he’s learned a little lesson… well then I’ll take him back. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe, but I don’t know if I really care. I love him… I want him… I fucking need him like I need to breathe. I just don’t want him to think that he can walk all over me, that he can make decisions for me without my input. That’s what I want. That’s what I need. I only hope that he agrees, cause I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t want to fight for me… for us. No… I can’t think like that. I know that it will work out. We will be together again. It’s just a matter of time. I’m not going to make it easy. But as my grandmother always said ‘good things come to those who wait.’ I guess we shall see. * * * * * * * TBC…