Set during season 3
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
I walked out of Brian's office and headed directly back toward the art department. ‘Be everywhere he is, don't let him out of your sight.' Daphne told me. I can't believe that I had actually listened to her. I should have learned that Daphne didn't always know what she was talking about. Her ‘plan' sure as hell didn't work with that guy back in high school, so I can't even imagine how it could work for me now. I definitely should have known better.
Granted Brian had surprised me -- mainly by not having my ass thrown out the second we saw each other. Not that I could blame Brian if he had. Granted I knew that the challenge that I had thrown at him helped a great deal in Brian ‘allowing' him to stay. ‘I didn't know that our former relationship was such a problem for you.'
‘ ‘Who said we were ever in a relationship?”
‘ ‘Then I see no reason why I shouldn't continue my education… that you're paying for.'
That whole scene in Brian's office was filled with sexual innuendos… at least that's the way I like to look at it. It just felt like something was being said behind all the words. I know I was trying to say something else to him. Now whether or not he caught it is another question.
Brian has always been a huge mystery to me. He's says one thing, but does another. Hell, our whole ‘relationship' was based on it. I admit, I fucked up. I forgot how to read between the lines with Brian, and a part of me still doesn't understand him fully. I don't think anyone can fully understand Brian, when I know he doesn't fully understand himself. I want to try, I really do. I want to try and reach that part of him that he keeps so closed off, but I'm not sure I can. I don't know how anymore, but I'm willing to try at least.
Tonight I guess I'll just follow through with the plan. I know he'll go to Babylon… it's his usual night, I'm sure. I highly doubt he's changed that much from our time together. I just have to make sure that I am there when he is.
Cause as much as Daphne's plan seems stupid… it's the only one I have.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
I still can't believe that little shit. Coming into my stomping grounds and playing me like that. He knows damn well that I want him to have the best education that he can get. He fucking knows that. So what does he do… he plays that card on me. Little shit.
I should be really pissed at him – which I am, but it's more as well. I'm proud of him too. He knew what he wanted, and he knew exactly what to say to get me to agree. The power he has always had over me, still shocks the hell out of me. If he ever knew, I'd be in deep shit trouble.
I look up from my spot by the bar and I see him come up beside me. He's trying to play it cool, but I see through his act. He has this huge blinking neon sign plastered on his ass. I see flashes of two years ago, when this blonde twink wouldn't take no for an answer. ‘My little stalker' as Mikey liked to call him. For some reason he's trying it again.
I have to stop this shit before it gets out of hand. I am NOT going to follow through with this again, I won't go down that cliff. I tried that whole love shit, and see where it got me? No way in hell can he get me back. “So where's the boyfriend?” I ask. That should shut him up.
“I don't do boyfriends.” He tells me, and I'm a little surprised. I wonder what the hell happened to the great romance – the one he left me for.
You know what… fuck it. I don't even want to know. I don't care about him, should have never even thought I could have that type of thing. Love is for straights – it sure as hell isn't for me.
*~*~ Mysterious Marilyn *~*~*
It's a shame. Those two belong to each other, and yet they can't get past the hurt that they have caused one another. I really don't know what I can do to help, but I just know something has to be done.
I think everyone can see the love that they have for one another. They wouldn't have been able to hurt one another that much if they didn't love each other. They are two men who are destined to be together.
The only problem is… they don't really understand each other. They don't understand where the other is coming from.
I wonder…
Yes! That would work. It has to.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
That no good son of a… FUCK! I'm fired. Fired because I answered a simple little question. How dare he? I know I was stupid in thinking that when things ended with Ethan that I could go back to Brian. I know it okay? But dammit, does he have to be such an ass about it?
I felt like he was treating me like a child in there. Saying all that shit about how I was young, and inexperienced. Yeah, like he's such a huge expert on the matter. I'm the only one… ONLY one he ever let stay longer than a night.
‘ ‘Have some balls.'‘ He said. Oh I showed him all right. The dumb fuck. I hope he chokes on it.
I don't want to go home right now. I don't think I want to even see Daphne yet. So Woody's here I come. Maybe a nice trick would help me start to get past Brian.
I have to, you know. I have to get past him. It's over… I should have learned my lesson the first time. He will never be able to give me what I want. So I need to start on what I should have done in the beginning. Move on, get past him.
I just wish it didn't hurt so damn hard.
What does Brian want out of me? Does he even care?
He just doesn't understand me.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
Fuck me. I asked for it, I know I did. I should have known that you don't ever back Justin in a corner. You would have thought I had learned that by now, don't you? I just never thought he would do something like that. He has changed, that's for sure.
Then again, he really hasn't changed that much either. Justin's always been strong and sure of himself and what he wanted. He just seems older … wiser. It makes me wonder just what the hell happened between him and Ian.
But that kiss… fuck. I really need to go and relieve myself. I just hope that there are some hot guys out tonight, cause I really don't feel like having to hunt tonight. Quick, easy… no fuss. That's what I want. Simple.
Justin's never been simple. Never. So tonight is the complete opposite. Tonight will be about everything anti-Justin. Sane? No, but who ever said I was?
Quick and easy… that's what I want. Who needs the headaches? Who needs the pain? Sure as hell not me.
I just wish I knew where the hell Justin was coming from, what he wanted.
*~*~ Mysterious Marilyn *~*~*
I can only stand back and watch as they try to outdo one another. Seeing who can hurt the other the most. Unfortunately, it's a game that neither can win. They both will lose. I whisper into the bartender's ear, and give him my best smile. Shaking his head, I know he'll do what I asked. It needs to be done, and everyone knows it.
The royal couple needs to return to help bring the streets of Liberty to its full potential. To help rule against the tyrant who wants to take us all down.
I only hope that they learn what they need to during this. I know that if they don't… we will all suffer.
*~*~ *~*~*
Both Brian and Justin walked out of the club, feeling a little strange. Both men tried to get the other out of their minds with little success. They only hoped that a good nights rest would end the pain that they were feeling. Besides, tomorrow was another day.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
I wake up slowly as the alarm buzzes in my ear. Fuck me. I didn't think I drank that much last night, but my head is feeling like a mac truck ran through it. I sit up in bed and run my hands over my hair. Something's not right… I don't remember my hair being this long. Opening my eyes, I begin to focus on my surroundings.
This isn't my place… where the fuck am I? Quickly, I make my way over to the mirror on the wall. “What the fuck!?”
“You're up, finally.” I hear a voice I hadn't heard in months coming from the direction of the door. “You got in late last night. So,” she says as she sits down in a chair next to where I am still staring at my … no the reflection in the mirror. “How'd it go yesterday?”
“Huh?” I ask. I am not understanding this, none of this is making any sense at all. What the hell am I doing here!?
“Justin?” She asks worried. Justin… Justin… how the hell did I become Justin? “Are you all right? You don't look so good.”
“I guess I'm not feeling like myself today.” I tell her as I quickly make my way over to the small dresser in the corner. Pulling out some pants and a shirt, I pull them on. I'll never understand how Justin can wear these clothes. Granted his tastes have gotten better, but damn! “Look, I gotta run. Later.” I tell her as I run out of the room and small apartment. I need to get over to the loft. I need to figure out what the hell is going on.
The moment I reach the street, I realize just how fucked I am. No ‘vette. Public Transportation. “Fuck!”
When I get my hands on that little fucker.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
I know immediately that something isn't right. Call it intuition… call it waking up in this bed entirely too many times to count in the past two years. Call it whatever, but I know something isn't right. Granted when I look in the mirror… I realize that it's worse than I thought. What in the hell is going on? Picking up the phone, I dial my cell number and wait for an answer. I have to try and get Brian before he wakes up…
Yeah, so waking Brian up isn't one of my smarter moves, but the last thing I need is for him to wake and freak out. I'm freaking out enough for the both of us, that's for damn sure.
How the hell did I get into Brian's body!? I want this to just be some weird dream – I've had enough of those lately, but even this is a little much. But for some reason I know that it's not. “He's going to kill me.” I say as I hear the line pick up.
“This better be you, and I sure as fuck hope you have some answers for me.” He curses, making me cringe.
I am half tempted to hang up on him, but it won't make a damn bit of difference. “If I had some answers Brian, I would tell you. I guess I was hoping that maybe you knew what was going on.” Futile, but it's worth a shot.
“And why would I have any answers? All I know is that I wake up in your room… in YOUR FUCKING BODY!”
“Brian… where are you? I hope to God that you aren't on the bus or somewhere like that.” I can just see the looks the people on the bus would be giving this raving lunatic who is ranting about being in someone's body. It's a nice picture… well partly. I just never thought that when and if Brian and I would be connected again, that it would be like this. “I have to ride that bus…”
“Well no shit, Sunshine.” He states, his voice quieter. I guess someone gave him a strange look and he caught on that it might not be a wise thing. The last thing we need right now is to get sent to some crazy farm or something. We need to figure out what was going on… what to do about it. “Just stay put… don't even think about leaving until I get there. Understood?”
“Yeah, I understand.” I tell him as I hang up. I figure that I might as well get dressed as I wait for Brian… me… fuck! to show up. This is just too weird. I knew I wanted to understand Brian some more… understand where he was coming from, but it didn't mean I wanted to BE him. This is just too much. I can feel the panic attack coming on, but I know I have to squelch that feeling. I have to be calm, cause I know Brian's losing it enough for the both of us.
It suddenly hits me… Brian. I'm Brian! He's me! He can deal with the looks and crap that Mikey dishes out to me on a daily basis. He can deal with stupid professors who think that they are the ONLY reason why you are there. He can deal with the mess my family is in, or the looks I would get just by walking down the street. The looks our ‘friends' give me whenever they think I'm not looking. Let him deal with scraping to get by… not knowing if you'll have enough money to make the rent.
Before I can get too far though, I realize… he'd already been there. Then it hits me… I have to be Brian! I can't do it. I can't do what he does. Full blown panic attack on its way, and there's nothing I can do to counter-act it.
We're so fucked!
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
First thing I'm going to do is take the damn keys to the ‘Vette and tell Justin that he can have his damn bus system. How the hell does he do this shit every damn day? Why can't he just get himself a car or something? Anything has to be better than this.
When the damn thing finally gets near the loft, I climb out and run up the stairs. I don't have time to wait for the lift. “Justin!” I yell the second I have the door open. I hear something coming from the bedroom, and I stop instantly. “You better not have a fucking trick in here, or I swear that I will kick your ass so hard…”
By the time I get to the top of the steps I catch a glimpse of Justin sitting there, head in hands. I know the signs… I've seen them often enough from him. Granted seeing them coming from MY body is a little strange, but it's obvious that he's having a panic attack. Thankfully, I still have some of his meds here, so I head into the bathroom and take one out of the container. “Take this,” I tell him handing him the pill and a glass of water. I sit down on the bed beside him, and I guess it suddenly hits me too. He's me, and I'm him. What the hell are we going to do now?
The last thing we need is for two of us to have a panic attack, so I start to take some deep breaths hoping to calm my suddenly racing heart. “Thanks.” He whispers, setting the glass down on the floor by his feet. “What the fuck is going on, Brian?”
How can I be mad at him? He's just as scared about this whole mess as I am… maybe more. I can tell that it wasn't him who did this… whatever this is. “I wish I knew.” I tell him. “What do you remember about last night?” I ask him hoping to get some clue as to what might have happened. Maybe if we just go through what each of us remembers, something will pop up and we can get switched back into our own bodies.
Justin stands and places his thumb in his mouth. It's such a Justin thing to do, but seeing it done with my body… it's a little strange. He may look like me, but all of his mannerisms are his own. This should be interesting to say the least. He catches my attention as he begins to talk, and I can only lean back and listen. Maybe there's something there. He's always been better at seeing things around him… seeing everything that goes on. He got worse after the prom, but I don't think that it's gone away. He always wants to know what's going on. Always.
“Let's see. First off, you fucking fired me. Christ, Brian… could you have been any more of an ass?” He begins. This is not the conversation I want to have. “Oh don't give me that look. It looks stupid on me.” Suddenly we both just look at each other and burst out laughing. Should we be laughing… most likely not, but what else is there to do? It is sort of funny. We know each other so well that we can tell what the other is thinking just by certain looks or mannerisms. It's just a little… okay a LOT strange seeing them come from the other person. Or us, but from the body of the other…
“This is just too fucking confusing.” I tell him once I can get my breath under control. I lean back on the bed and let out a deep breath. I have no idea what to do about this. I don't even know what this shit is.
Justin sits down next to me again, and I watch him as his tries to go over the night before in his mind. “Okay… I guess we can forget anything strange happening then, so it had to have been somewhere else. Let's see… I dropped my shit off at the diner, and went to Woodys'. That's it.”
Woody's. There has to be something there. Something that could explain this mess we are now in. What I don't know. “It had to be there.” I hear Justin say. No, that was me. This is just too strange. “I felt like I had been drinking all night when I woke up this morning.” I tell him.
I only watch as Justin nods. I can see the wheels turning, and I'm actually grateful that it is him who is stuck in this shit with me. I don't know if anyone else could help me figure this out. He's one smart little shit. “Same here. But I only had two beers, so that doesn't make any sense. Unless someone put something in the last beer and I wasn't aware of it.”
“Jesus, Justin. How many fucking times do I have to tell you, never leave your drink alone?” I yell at him. I'm pissed. I told him, and told him to never do that.
Justin only turned to look over at me. “What about you?”
I think back to last night and try to think of what I had to drink. I know I didn't take any drugs last night, but … then it hits me. I just hate it when he's right. “Okay, so what about it? How could someone slip something into our drinks if we didn't set them down anywhere, or take our eyes off of them?”
“The only thing possible is the bartender. He had to have slipped something in there. He's the only one who touched my drink besides me.” Justin explained. As much as I hate to admit it, he is right. “So I guess we go talk to Matt and see what he might have done.”
That gets my full attention. “Oh no. I'll go. I have a meeting with Stockwell at ten, and you're going to be there. Or at least go there, get it postponed… Something. But you will be there to do that.”
Justin only stands there, and unfortunately, despite the change in bodies, I know what this means. He's digging in his heels and preparing for one hell of a battle. One that I know I don't have time for. One that he doesn't have time for cause my body needs to be at Vanguard for this meeting. Plain and simple.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
“I have to?” I ask him with my eyebrow raised. I can see that he's preparing himself for an argument, and this is one that I know I'm going to win. “So what are you going to do all day while I'm playing footsy with fucking Stockwell?”
“Simple. I'm going to find out what the fuck happened, and get this shit straightened out now. The sooner the better.” He tells me like it's the easiest thing in the world. Like MY life doesn't matter.
I shouldn't have thought he would feel differently. I really shouldn't have. But here I am. And here I honestly thought that I could make something work with him? That he might actually care about me and my life. What an ass! “Oh no. I have a test today.” I begin.
“Fuck the test. You can make it up another time. Hell, it's only a test.” He argues with me.
Oh no… that's not going to work. “Plus I have a group project that needs to be worked on. Plus I have to meet with Michael. I have a shift at the diner, and I have to help Daphne move some shit. If I have to be you, then you better be me.” I tell him.
“Like hell. Been there, done that. I did not sign up to go to school again, and I definitely didn't sign up to work at the fucking diner!” He bitches.
“Fine.” I tell him as I make my way toward the living room. I sit down on the couch and turn on the TV. If he's not willing to take part in this farce, then I sure as hell am not. Fuck that shit.
“What are you doing? You better get moving so that you can be there for the meeting. I'll drop you off.” He tells me as he pulls on my arm to get me off of the couch.
Pulling my arm away, I just look up at him. “No.”
The look he's giving me is so Brian Kinney. And it just does not look right on MY face. We better find a way out of this mess, and fast. “No?”
I lean back on the couch and look up at him. “Brian.” I begin calmly. I feel like I'm having to explain this to a child who's not getting his way. I know I've been away for a couple of months, but he was usually more willing to go along with some of the things I said. He at least didn't act like someone who wasn't used to people telling him no. And I'm sure he's not used to that. He's ‘Brian Kinney' after all. He's always so sure of himself, and he has this way of getting people to do what he wants them to. That's why he's so good at his job. “If I miss this test, I fail. This test is 50% of my final grade. Even if I fuck it up, that's fine, I can re-test. We're allowed one re-test in this class, but the thing is… I have to take it first. He won't allow you to miss.” I try to keep the small smile from showing on my face, cause I can see that he's already upset at the prospect of sitting in a class for hours on end. “But hey… if you want to waste more money on tuition because I have to re-take the class, then so be it. Personally, I think it would be a complete waste.”
“That's unfair.” He states as he sits down beside me. I can see his mind trying to come up with some reason why he shouldn't do this, but he of all people knows how much this means to me. He always has. “Fine. I'll do your damn test, but you can forget everything else.”
“Mikey's going to be pissed. And Deb… You are so going to owe me if you fuck this up for me, Brian. Especially since I no longer work at Vanguard. If you don't help me out… I'm fucked.” I tell him. Hey, I'm not against using guilt to try and persuade him. “You can forget helping Daphne… that's fine. And you can even forget the group project… I'm sure I can figure out some explanation that they will accept. But don't … please don't blow off Michael and Deb. I'll do whatever you think I need to do, just don't fuck this up for me Brian. It's all I fucking have left.” I tell him.
Suddenly, I drop my head down, realizing what I had told him. I really don't want to get into shit with him now. I really don't. It's not like he really cares, it's just that I don't want to appear weak in front of him. I have always hated that. But I know it's true. I don't have much anymore. The comic, diner, school, and Daphne. That's it. That's my life. I don't see mom half as much as I should, I know this, but I know that's my own choice. I'm just not ready to deal with things right now, I guess.
The more I think about Brian being me, the more I dislike the…am disliking the whole idea. The last thing I want is for Brian to ‘understand' me. I know I wanted that, but I'm not so sure now. What would he think of my life now? I know that there is no way around it… at least until we can figure out what happened and how to change it, but still. I don't know if I can survive this.
“All right,” he concedes. “I'll drop you off at Vanguard, and I'll go to your little class. I'll also see Mikey, excetera. I'll figure out a way to get you out of work, cause I am not going to work there.” I can't help but laugh slightly at that. Here's the same man who almost literally forced me to work there, who told me that it's honest work so suck it up and deal – and he doesn't want to lower himself to work there.
Then it hits me and I have to break out in a full fledge smile. This could be fun. “Ah, Brian.” I begin as I make my way back up to the bedroom to change. “I can't drive.”
“I know, that's why I will drop you off…” he begins.
“No, Brian… I can't drive. Meaning, my body can't drive. No license remember? Well none that allows me to drive. That means, you can't drive. At least not in my body.”
The last thing I hear before I close the bathroom door behind is Brian's loud curse. I just can't help the smile spreading across my face. This could be a lot of fun.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
I must be in hell, plain and simple. Not only do I have to take a test – most likely on a subject I have no knowledge on – but now I can't even drive. I'm stuck with the damn public transportation in this city. That's it! First chance I get I am going over to Woodys and I'm having a nice little chat with a certain bartender. Cause if Justin thinks that I'm going to be stuck in his body, leading his life for any period of time…
There isn't enough money anyone could pay me to do this.
After he dresses – which thankfully is something tasteful and appropriate for a meeting with Stockwell – we head down to the ‘Vette. We both agree that we need to see if we can get some answers now, if at all possible that is, so we head straight to Woodys. Not that I think he will be there this time of the day, but it's worth a shot. If we can get changed back, the sooner the better.
The whole way to the bar, I'm filling Justin in on what he needs to do during this meeting. Luckily it's nothing too major, so I'm not real worried that he'll screw it up, but it's the whole principle. I figure I have to do something or else I'll rip a hole in the upholstery from his driving. It's not that he's a bad driver… but this car…
We park behind the bar, and Justin gets out. “I think it's better for now if we're not really seen together. I mean, it's not like we're doing anything, but you know how people talk.” He tells me. I can't blame him on that one. Heaven forbid that one of the gang sees us. I really don't want to try and explain to them this whole mess. Not that I can explain it, but it would suck… and not in a positive, life affirming way.
I knock on the door, and of course no one answers. “Brian,” Justin says touching my arm. I look over to where he's staring, and I see a figure hiding behind one of the dumpsters.
Reaching behind it, I pull out Marilyn. Figures that she would have something to do with this. “What the fuck did you do?” I ask. Cause I have no doubt in my mind that she is responsible for this mess. No doubt at all.
“Only what needs to be done, hun.”
“All right, enough of the word games… what the fuck did you do to us?!” Justin yells. “I don't want to be Brian!”
“Well thank-you so very much, Sunshine. It's not like I'm having a wonderful time as you.” I bitch back. Hey… it's true. I haven't been this short in a long time, and this damn headache that I'm getting isn't a lot of fun either. I turn toward Marilyn and raise an eyebrow. I think it's time to get some answers.
“Fine,” She says flinging her arms up in the air. “Everyone knows that the two of you belong together… everyone but yourselves. I'm just helping things along a little.”
Justin shakes his head, and all I know is that my headache is only getting worse. “Somehow, I don't think this is what you had in mind. Besides… who the hell are you to tell us we need to be together. It's none of your damn business.”
“What can we do to fix this?” Justin asks calmly. Too calmly, I might add. I look over at him and I only get a glimpse of something. What I don't know, but I'll get to that later. One problem at a time.
“Well, it's simple. You need to understand one another.” Simple… right. I guess she caught on that I have no fucking idea what she's talking about, so she takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “The two of you basically need to know what makes the other tick. That's the only way that you will return to your bodies.”
“Great, just fucking great.” I hear Justin say. “Like anyone can ever figure out Brian. I don't think he even understands himself.”
“Hey, I know who I am, what about you? Mister romance.” I say rolling my eyes. “You leave for the fiddle fuck and then you think you can come running back? You don't know what you want.”
“You know what… forget it. Just change us back.”
“I can't. I already told you, the only way you can return to your own bodies is to…”
That's it. I've had enough. “Fine, fine. You want us to understand one another, then fine. But if I'm not back in my body soon…” I just leave the threat hanging there. There's no point to say anything else. Walking back to the car, I can't help but wonder just what I need to understand about Justin.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
After the ‘talk’ with Mysterious Marilyn I drop Brian off at PIFA. I can’t help but wonder how he’s going to do on the test. Then again, I know that I really shouldn’t worry about that. I have to try and PLAY Brian. I’m not an ad exec. I’m not. I don’t know the first thing really about advertising. And not only that, but now I have to have an appointment with that fucking Stockwell? Shit!
‘You have to understand each other.’ Understand. That’s all that’s going through my head. Not what Brian tried to grill in my head, but what it is I’m supposed to understand about him. What’s to understand? I love him, there’s no doubt in my mind about that. I love him despite all the things about him that I don’t like. Who ever said you had to like everything about the person you love?
So what do I have to understand about him? He works hard, and I know that his job is important to him. Yeah, so it still pisses me off when he always chooses his damn job over me, but still I understand.
I also know, at least in part, why he is the way he is. I’ve met his mother, and from what I hear about his dad, it was no picnic in the Kinney household growing up. I know his sister and nephews are a fucking pain in the ass as well, so we’re all lucky that Brian turned out the way he did. I can’t even being to imagine what it took for him to do that.
I think I know what he needs as well. I know he needs sex – he loves it. It’s just who he is. It has nothing to do with us, when there was an us that is. It hurts yeah, but it had nothing to do with us. That was at least until he started to purposely fuck someone in front of me. He knew it hurt me, but he still did it. Why, I don’t know, but he did.
Yeah, I wish I knew him better, but that’s the thing about Brian. He doesn’t like to share things about his past. At least not with me. If the topic moved toward something from his past, he would quickly turn it around to something else. He would shut down. I hated that – still do, but what am I going to do about it? What can I do? Nothing, really. It’s just the way he is.
I have my own guesses as to why, but then again… he won’t talk about it. I hate that he feels like he can’t share things, that he feels that if he lets someone in they will turn around and hurt them. He thinks, I’m sure, that if he admits that he cares about someone then they have this almighty power over him. It’s stupid!
Of course, I’m in no position to say shit about anything. We’re not together, and even when we were I had to turn around and hurt him in the worst possible way. I embarrassed him in front of everyone. Yeah, I think I know why he threw me off of Mt. Kinney, but it’s just something that most likely we will never talk about. His comments the other night at Vanguard when he fired me proved that to me. That’s all I will get out of him.
He always has this way of pissing me off. And God does he piss me off. There are times I just want to wring his neck, and dump the body. It’s just like with that shit after the prom. He never came to see me, he listened to my mom and left me alone. He never talked about it. I know he was hurt – I know he was a victim as well, but dammit.
I have to stop that train of thought. Having thoughts of that whole fuck up would not go well when I see one of the reasons why Hobbs got off right in front of me. I have to pretend to be Brian. I have to play the part.
I only hope I’m as good of an actor as I think I am. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at it in the past couple of months, but who knows.
I just wonder how Brian is fairing.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
I never minded school, mainly because it was just a means to an end. A way to get out of the damn Kinney household. But once I was out, I thought my school days were over. Why did I have to jump into Justin’s body? Why did that fucking sorry ass excuse for a drag queen think that this needed to be done?
I sit down in one of the chairs and pull out Justin’s book. I still remember his schedule, so I figure what the hell, I might as well try and figure out what this test is about. Luckily Justin takes damn good notes, so I know that every answer should be in there. That was one thing I remember about him, as many times as he would complain about me being anal retentive, he was by far worse when it came to his school work. The damn kid had a novel worth of notes for each day of class.
The instructor doesn’t say a thing, just passes out this fucking book. I swear it’s at least thirty pages thick. Once everyone has one, he looks at the clock. “You have exactly one and a half hours to complete the test. You may begin.” He states.
Opening the book, I’m already cursing Justin. Justin and especially that damn drag queen, bitch Marilyn. Every fucking question in this damn thing is an essay question. Now I have to try and remember all the times that I had helped Justin with his homework over the years so that I can write the way he would. It was easy with Mikey, I knew him like no other. I knew not to use big words, and whatnot.
But Justin is not Mikey. I know we both have the ability to use those ‘big words’ and we know HOW to use them. But Justin writes a certain way that even I can’t always get right. He’s got that damn artist finesse or some shit. I don’t know, and I know I may never fully understand him, but Justin has always been able to keep up with me. Intellectually, sexually, in almost every way.
Now I have to try and be him, think like him. Fuck me. How does one do that when they don’t know the person anymore? He’s not the same person he was a couple of months ago. He seems more sure of himself, and more sure of what he wants. He’s not afraid anymore to stand up to me, tell me how he feels, or what he thinks. It’s a lot like when he first came into my life. A part of me is glad that it’s that way again, but the other part… fuck!
The only problem is I don’t know who he is anymore. I don’t. Although he has that bravado back from before, he’s not the same. He knows what he wants, yes, but it’s not the same anymore. His priorities have changed, and he sees things differently. I know this, but I have no idea how he sees things anymore. There was a time when I knew, but now… hell now I don’t even know how I see things. I don’t have a fucking clue.
Shaking my head, I turn back to the test before me. Lucky for Justin… and for me, I was always good at taking tests. If I can sell multi-million dollar products and get people to buy the shittiest thing in the world, then I can BS my way through this. I just hope he’s not fucking things up with Stockwell.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
I walk into the office, and try to stop the impulse I have to go down to the art department. It feels weird walking into Brian’s office with him not there. But the strangest thing of all is that he is here… at least it looks that way. “Stockwell is waiting for you in the conference room.” Cynthia states as I walk past her to get into the ‘inner sanctum.’ I only nod and head into the office to drop the briefcase down on the desk. I have no idea how the hell I can do this. I have no idea how I can get through this meeting with the ass hole without spitting in his coffee, or ruining all of this for Brian. Cause I want to. I want to look at him and tell him what a fucking homophobic asshole he is. I want to yell at him for fucking treating what Hobbs did to me like it was nothing… for fucking up my life! “Here’s the file,” Cynthia states as she hands me a thick file. “Also, Vance wants to have a meeting with you on the Bakers, Eyeconics, and Brown accounts. Of course he will be looking for an update on the Stockwell campaign as well.”
“Fuck.” I let out. How in the hell does Brian keep up with all this shit? How does he handle and keep all this shit straight?
“Here’s your coffee, and I’ll reset the 1 o’clock appointment for tomorrow.” She said as she walked out of the room. Suddenly I am really grateful that she is there. She may not know what is going on, or that I’m not really Brian, but I am glad she is here. I always knew she kept Brian up to date on everything, kept his schedule straight… I guess I am only beginning to understand what makes Brian the man he is. He may yell at everyone, bitch and moan all the damn time, but without people like Cynthia… he’d be a falling down mess.
Not that I would EVER tell him that.
I’ve always known that everyone respected Brian, for a lot of different reasons. Whether it be his success in his field, or his sexual prowess, or whatever… they all respect him. Me, I like his honesty. He maybe harsh, but he never would promise something that he knew he couldn’t deliver. I fell into that trap with Ethan, and it made me realize that Brian gave me more than Ethan ever could. He was honest with me, always. Even if I didn’t want to hear it. I just don’t understand him all the time. I lost my ability to read him, to understand him.
So I walk down the corridor, and into the conference room. I feel the room drop about 50 degrees, and just seeing that asshole… Christ, I can’t even begin to explain. I know that Brian wouldn’t understand, he doesn’t want to I guess. No one can understand my hatred for this man, why I want to just rip his throat out.
Okay… so I still have some residual anger issues I have to deal with. Can you blame me? “Kinney.” The asshole says in greeting holding out his hand. All I can do is smile and shake his hand. Opening the file that Cynthia gave me, I just hope I can get through this without completely destroying Brian’s reputation.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
My brain feels like it is about to fucking explode. It has been entirely too long since I had to sit in a damn classroom and fucking take a damn test. It has been entirely too long. Lucky for me, I guess, Justin wrote down a list of all the classes he had to take today, and where they were located. If something important was needed to be dropped off or whatever he put a little note next to it. Thankfully, today was over for me. The rest of the classes would just have to suffer cause if I have to spend another minute in one of these classrooms, I will hurt someone. Namely Justin.
I still can’t get over the feeling that he might have done something. That he might have asked Marilyn to do this. It’s stupid, I know… but the thought is there. I mean, Justin seemed just as upset by this as I am, so it goes to show that he had nothing to do with this. Then again, what do I know about Justin anymore?
“Justin.” I hear a voice from behind me, and can I say I can feel the bile rise up in my throat. I feel the slimeball’s hand on my arm, stopping me from going anywhere. I know I can just rip my arm out of his grasp, I know how much I just want to deck him, but I don’t. My reasoning? There are a couple really. First, the last thing I need to do is get Justin suspended or something for beating the shit out of this fucker, and secondly… well I want to know what exactly happened between him and Justin. I do.
Justin left with Ian so he could have what he couldn’t get from me. He left ME to be with this shit, and all of his promises of romance and love. So why is it that Justin was now chasing back after me?
I can’t get Justin’s words out of my head. How he told me that what I gave him was worth more than anything Ethan could have. What that means I will never know. He also hinted at something that night at Babylon, and thinking about it I knew something was up that night I saw him at Woodys’. Not sure what, but I plan on finding out. Did Justin realize that he had made a mistake and dumped Ethan?
So I turn to the shit and just stare at him, letting him know that I was not impressed. Fuck it… when it comes to Ian, I cannot be held responsible for any of my actions. No one can expect me to be civil to him. “What?” I ask.
“Can we talk? You’ve been avoiding me, and I … I just wanted to see if we could talk.” The fiddler stated as he looked at me.
“Talk? About what? Why would I want to hear a damn thing you have to say?” Okay… so it might not be what Justin would say, but I’m working on very little information here. Ethan looks uncomfortable, and I try not to laugh. Shaking my head I turn and start walking down the hallway. I don’t need this shit on top of everything else. I really don’t. He’s suddenly standing in front of me, and I can’t believe the balls on this kid. “What do you want?”
“Justin, I love you. I miss you.” He places his hand on my arm, and I have this sudden feeling of unease. “You know that I haven’t been able to sleep since you left. I feel terrible for what happened. I promise it will never happen again.”
Now I am really feeling uncomfortable. Did he hit Justin? Did he hurt him? If he laid one hand on Justin I will rip his balls off and shove them down his throat. “Really?”
“I just… He was nothing. I just missed you, and I was lonely…” That’s when it clicks. Oh how the mighty have fallen. It’s sort of ironic in a way. A very sick ironic way. Justin cheated on me with this fuck, and he cheated on Justin with someone else. I try not to laugh, cause there’s that small part of me that is happy that what Justin did to me, was turned right back on him. I shouldn’t have that thrill but I do. “I mean, Brian cheated on you all the time, and you never got upset. I known that you told me that you and Brian never had that type of promise, but I know it hurt you. So I don’t understand why you would be upset with me for ONE little mistake.”
Ah so that’s what the problem was. Some of this shit is finally starting to click in my mind. Justin wasn’t really upset about the tricking at all, it was the honesty. Yeah, I didn’t tell him shit, but why should I? We didn’t have any locks on the doors. So I might have been a little nicer to him, listened to him, but it’s not my problem. But I guess that Justin and the fiddle fuck had some agreement. Interesting. “One little mistake?” I ask out loud. “You broke the promise made to each other the first time you were away from …” I shake my head. “And you think that not being honest, by not admitting that you made a mistake BEFORE he found out from someone else would be a smart idea? Christ you are dumber than I thought.”
I just turn to leave. I have heard enough, that’s for sure. I guess, I am understanding this a little bit more. At least about Justin and I. We did have honesty… at least until the end. I wonder if he feels bad for breaking the promises we did make to each other. I know I kept them all, and he kept none of them. I wonder if what he thinks about that. He’s a damn hypocrite if he gets upset with Ethan for breaking one rule, when Justin is one of the biggest liars I know.
I can see where it would hurt him, though. I can see his point. He wanted something from me that I just can’t give him. So he went where he thought he could get it. I guess he found out the hard way that things are not what they appear to be.
Oh yeah… this will get me to understand him more. Fuck! At this damn rate I will never get back into my body.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
After leaving that jackass, I walk back to my … no Brian’s office and sit down in the chair. I had told Brian that you could tell how good he is at his job. Everyone respects him and will do almost anything for them. But I just don’t understand why he is doing this thing with Stockwell. I mean really. It’s not like he has anything to prove. He’s at the top of his game, he has everything. So why is he stooping so damn low? Why is he going against everything that we are? Why is he giving this creep the power to close down, to attack the very things we do, who we are? I guess I will not understand.
Okay, that’s not entirely true. I do understand in a way. Brian is never happy unless he is on top, the top. He wants to be the best of the best, and nothing less will be enough.
I don’t understand why things are never good enough for him. I don’t understand why he always has to push himself – and go against his own livelihood – just for a client. Yeah, he always complains that he wants to get out of the ‘burg, that he wants to go to New York or some shit like that. I have to wonder though, if the dreams of New York are just something for him to use as a crutch. If it’s something to just finally escape his past.
I don’t know. I realize that I really don’t know him at all. Maybe I never really did. I got glimpses into who he really is, who he is beneath the hard, touch exterior of the person he portrays, but I don’t think anyone has seen the complete Brian Kinney. I don’t know if he even knows who he really is anymore. I think he has started to buy into the ‘asshole’ persona that everyone says he is. I think he feels that he CAN’T be anyone else.
I wish I could change that for him. I wish that the others could see who I know he can become. I know he’s a great person, kind, loving… but he’s afraid to open up to people. Yeah, yeah. I didn’t help with that by leaving him the way I did. By cheating on him. I know this, all right! I know I was a complete and total ass to him, and how I went about things. I can’t even blame it on being young and naive. I don’t know what I can blame it on, and my only excuse is that everything during that time was fucked up. Plus, I wasn’t the only one who shut down. Brian did too.
Glancing at the clock, I notice that it’s almost time for my shift at the diner. Brian said he wouldn’t do it, but if he’s not, I sure as fuck hope he called in. Deciding that I might as well find out if he’s going to cost me my job, I pick up the phone and dial his cell number. Of course once I hear it start to ring in my pocket, I once again have to curse this fucking shit.
Hanging up, I dial my cell and wait for Brian to pick up. “Hello, dear… how is your day going?” I say the moment he picks up the phone. Serves him right for making me see that asshole Stockwell. If I’m miserable, I hope he is too.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
Hearing Justin on the other end of the phone, asking how my day was, I just want to scream at him. The shit! “Just fucking peachy. Tell me you didn’t fuck up with Stockwell.”
“Is that all you care about? Your piece of shit client? I didn’t fuck it up, for your information. Hell, I should get a damn Oscar for how well I behaved.”
I can hear the sarcasm in his voice, but I know that he didn’t screw that up for me. He’s not like that. Even if he doesn’t like the guy, he wouldn’t put my job in jeopardy like that. “Good. And I took your damn test.” I tell him. What I don’t tell him is that my hand is fucking hurting. I knew he had problems with it, I just didn’t think it was still this bad. This was not something I was ready for, or expecting. He always seemed fine to me when he was working on the computer, never once let on that his hand was bothering him. “Why didn’t you tell me your hand still cramps up?” I finally ask him. What I really want to know is why the fuck he didn’t tell me.
“What would it matter? It’s something I have to live with, and I guess… I just don’t think about it. It’s going to happen whether or not I want it to, so it’s just something I live with. Why? Did it cramp up on you?”
Yes, I want to scream at him. I want to tell him that I could barely get through the damn test without it cramping up on me at least a couple of dozen times. How does he handle this? What does he do to stop it? “A little,” I lie. There’s a part of me that doesn’t really want him to know just how much it hurts. Hell, he’s done it to me for how knows how long – keeping the pain to himself. But I’m finally realizing just what he goes through. It never leaves him. We can all forget about it, not think about it… pretend that it didn’t even happen. But Justin… he lives with the effects every day. How can he deal with this?
Shaking my head, cause I know I won’t get anywhere with this thought. “So is there a reason why you called?” I ask as I walk up to the damn bus stop. This shit is going to have to stop, cause another day of public transportation and I’m going to commit murder.
“Actually, I was wondering what you were going to do about my work. You know the diner?” As if I could forget that little tidbit, even if I wanted to. I’m the one who got him the damn job to begin with. “If you’re not going, could you at least call in and let Debbie know. The last thing I need is to fucking get fired from another job, for something that is not even my fault.”
“Not your fault! How the hell do you figure that one, Sunshine?” I ask, receiving evil looks from some of the others on the bus. Okay so maybe I somewhat yelled, but what do I care. It’s not like I’m the first person on a bus to yell into a phone.
“You’re not blaming anything on me. Thanks to me, I got you the damn account. Thanks to me, she signed a long-term deal with you. So don’t give me that shit that I fucked it up. She asked me a question, and I answered. If I hadn’t then you would have fired me for not answering. You were just looking for a way to get rid of my ass.”
“Please! We would have gotten the damn account without your help, thank-you very much. You purposely stood there and fucked it up, making me look bad.”
“Oh and it’s all about making Brian look good. Well let me tell you something, Mr. Kinney… I stopped trying to make you look better a long fucking time ago. I stopped fucking giving a damn about what you THINK you fucking want, cause it’s always the complete opposite of what you really want. How anyone can understand you is beyond me.”
“Are you done now?” I ask into the phone. I can feel a HUGE headache coming on, and the day isn’t even over yet. I still have to deal with Deb. Fuck me.
“You know what… forget it. Do whatever you want. You always do.” And the shit hung up on me. Damn drama queen. Yes, queen. I think he has officially graduated.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
After hanging up on Brian, I sat back in my chair, trying to get my temper under control. “There's a call for you on line two,” Cynthia stated over the speaker phone. “It's Justin.” She sounded surprised at the latest turn of events, but I know that I can't even begin to explain the shit to her. Hell, I don't even know myself.
So I pick up the phone, and wondered once again what the hell am I supposed to learn from this whole mess. “What?”
“Don't you fucking hang up on me, you little shit.” Brian stated over the line, letting his anger show through. “That little attitude of yours won't get us back into our own damn bodies, so I suggest that you get over it fast.”
“You can't tell me what to do, you son of a bitch. You don't own me, you never have. So don't think that just because we got put in this damn little game that you can boss me the fuck around.” I once again tell him as I hang up the phone. I don't want to deal with Brian and his bossiness. I have always hated it when Brian talked down to me, like I was just a damn kid who didn't know shit. And I'm not going to put up with that crap anymore.
Deciding that I have had enough for the day, I get up from behind the desk. “Cynthia?” I ask. “What else is on the schedule for today?”
“Just your meeting with Vance. I'll see when he's ready to meet with you.” Cynthia stated as she began to turn toward the door.
“Oh and if … Justin calls again. Tell him that he can go straight to hell.” I tell her with a smile. “I don't have time to deal with his crap today.” Satisfied that I don't have to deal with Brian anymore, I can only place Brian's cell on top of the desk and stare at it. Each call that came in from my cell, I feel a little bit better as I watch the voice mailbox fill. Let him know what it's like to be ignored. I've been there enough times. I'll check the messages later to see if Brian ever apologized, once the other man does , I will talk to him. Not before.
I'm tired of being treated by everyone as a second-class citizen. I'm sick and tired of all the bull shit. I hope to GOD that Brian makes his way over to Michael's. Let him see what I have to deal with when it comes to the fucker. Let him see what I have to put up with.
He thinks that I don't suffer? Well fuck him. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. I'm tired. Sick and tired of it all.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
That little fucking shit. How dare he hang up on me? Not just once either. Fucker! I try once again, and Cynthia tells me that ‘Mr. Kinney' is busy. When I try the cell… I get sent right to voice mail. The shit is ignoring me, and he's going to pay for that.
Okay… so maybe I wasn't being fair to him. Maybe. But does he think that this is easy for me? He's got my whole life in his hands right now, and he doesn't give a damn. Of course I'm worried about what he said to Stockwell. Why shouldn't I be? It's not a secret that Justin doesn't like the man… hell he was right next to Deb in all her ranting. I'm not entirely sure why, but I have an idea.
Thinking about it, however, I must admit, I can't blame the kid. What Stockwell did with the whole Hobbs thing wasn't right. But it wasn't Stockwell really… I don't think even HE has that type of power. Granted, he doesn't like fags, but what Hobbs did was a crime. That damn judge got a clue after he had to be pried from the can. That still brings a smile to my face.
Oh well. As long as Justin didn't fuck that up for me, I should give him a break. A little one. I need someone to talk to. Someone who can give me a damn break. So I head on over to Mikey's store. Quickly, I do call Deb and tell her that Justin won't be coming in that day. That's the LAST thing I want to be doing for hours on end. Luckily she bought the ‘project' excuse. That kid can get away with anything, I fucking swear.
“Mikey.” I say as I walk into the shop.
“What the fuck are you doing here? I thought we agreed that we would only meet if we had something to do with the comic? Did you get those damn panels done like I had asked? I need that shit so I can do my part.” Mikey is bitching.
“Oh lay the fuck off, will you? I've had a bitch of a day.” I tell him as I move to lean against one of the large bins.
“Lay off? Who the fuck do you think you are telling me that?”
“Mikey…” I begin.
“Don't call me that! You are not my friend, never have and never will be. We're business partners and you said it yourself that you're only here for the comic. So don't start to act like we're buddy buddy.”
Oookay. This shit is strange. Why the fuck is he bitching me out… then I fucking remember. I'm not me, I'm Justin. How the hell I had forgotten that is beyond me, but I did. And here I thought they had worked all that shit out, that they were being civil to one another again. I THOUGHT I had made them work it out. “What is your problem with me?” I ask, honestly curious. See I thought I had straightened Mikey out when it came to Justin. I mean if a damn punch to the face didn't do it I don't know what will.
“You. You're what's wrong. You treat Brian like shit, and then you act like nothing's wrong? Like you can just be a part of the family like you didn't just fuck my friend over? Well fuck you!” Mikey came around the corner and stood in front of me. “I told you before that we didn't want you around. I agreed to do the comic again, cause Brian asked me to. I don't want you here, and I sure as fuck don't want you to THINK that we all are friends .”
“Who's this ‘we all' , Michael?” I ask, getting seriously pissed. Evidently he hasn't gotten over his ‘I have to protect Brian' shit. I know what he's trying to say… he wants Justin to believe that no one wants him around. Ohhh, that just pisses me off even more. Why didn't Justin tell me that this shit still goes on? “See, Michael, that's where you're wrong. Mel and Lindsey want me around, Deb does, Vic, Emmett, and Brian.”
“Since you brought in the personal business crap, we might as well hash this out now, right,” Michael stated not really asking a question.
“I brought it up?” I ask him with a raised eyebrow. He must not be in the same damn conversation that I am. He's the one who started in on me… I mean Justin. Fuck! He brought in the personal shit, so I'll be dammed if Mikey tries to lay the blame on me.
“Brian doesn't want you around. You completely just shit on him. You went with Ethan, and you better get used to it. We don't want you around. Go back to your little boyfriend and leave us alone. We can do the comic without seeing each other, and frankly, I think that it would be best.” Mikey states as he turns and walks toward the back.
If there's one thing that Justin and I had in common is that we don't ever let someone dismiss us like that. At least at one point we did. I don't know what he does now, but if that scene at Vanguard is any indication, he still has that fire. So what the fuck, I don't care. Michael has no fucking right to say that shit. “Listen here, Michael.” I tell him as I grab a hold of his arm, turning him back toward me. “You have NO fucking right to say who wants to see me or not. You don't own anyone. You were not a part of our relationship, you don't have the first clue as to what was going on. But then again you wish that Hobbs had actually killed … me.” I say remembering just who I am supposed to be.
“Did Brian tell you that? You don't know shit.” Mikey stated looking absolutely shocked that those words came out of Justin's mouth.
“See, Michael… you don't know anything. You don't know that it was ME who helped Brian out with his piece of shit nephew. You don't know a thing. What goes on between the two of us, goes on between the two of us. Ethan is gone, for good. My relationship is just that.. mine. Not yours.” I know that I won't be getting anything through to Mikey about Justin and I. Shaking my head, I just turn and leave. I'll have to sit down and have a nice long talk with Mikey when I get back in my own body.
It's time now, to get some damn answers from Justin. The shit has been keeping things from me, and I'm not too pleased with them. His hand, Ethan… Mikey. What else is he keeping from me? What other hell is he being put through?
Fuck… Did I actually tell Michael that Justin and I were in a relationship? Will wonders never cease?
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
After the damn meeting with Vance – God how the hell Brian puts up with that shit is beyond me – I tell Cynthia that I'm gone for the day. Luckily she believes my lie about having an appointment across town, cause I don't want to try and explain anything right now. Not in the least. What would I say? That I'm not really Brian, that we by some freak of nature switched bodies?
Yeah, and I'd be stuck in some psycho ward for the rest of Brian's natural life.
By the time I reach the ‘vette, the damn phone rings. “What?” I say. I know who it is and I don't really want to deal with this shit, not now. But I also know that I can't avoid him for much longer. We have to get this shit done and over with so hopefully we can get back into our own bodies.
“Where are you?” I hear him ask, kinda sounding pissed off, or frustrated, whatthefuckever. I really don't want to deal with his shit right now. All I want to do is get back in my own body, in my own life. Forget all about this shit.
“I'm at the car, getting ready to head home… well your home. Why?” I ask. I don't even want to get into why I just called the loft home. Hopefully he thinks that I'm talking about Daphne's cause if he thinks that I still consider his place home… I'll never hear the end of it.
“Stay there. I'm down in the lobby.” Great, just fucking great. When he hangs up, I just head directly over to the ‘vette and sit in the driver's seat with my head on the steering wheel.
I can say that I have learned things about Brian today; there is no doubt about that. Basically it has been a re-enforcement of what I already knew. I mean, I have always known that his job took a lot of effort for him. Not in the way you think. What I am talking about is the way he has to act. The non-caring, unfeeling asshole. The looks I got from people if I even gave them a small smile is enough to tell me that.
I saw a lot of this shit when I worked here, more than I knew while living with him. I also know however, that he is respected a great deal. By co-workers, and definitely by the clients. I don't know if he even realizes it all. I know that our friends and family treat him like shit, but he's always the first person that they come to when they have a problem.
I guess one could say that I finally know what it's like for him to have to keep up the pretense. And I know it is in a lot of cases. He isn't the asshole that everyone seems to think he is. He really isn't. I just never thought I would understand how hard it is to pretend all the time. To go against what I know is right in order to do my job. It's not something that I wanted to know, I guess.
It does explain that whole Vermont/Chicago crap, that's for sure. Yes, I knew his job was important to him, but it's the extent of how much it is. He IS his job. His job is him. If that makes any sense. He is the best at what he does, and now everyone has this expectation of him, he can't slow down now. He can't allow them to see who he really is.
I feel bad, in a way. But then again, I guess that's why we all love him. Why we need him in our lives. Granted what I wouldn't do to see dear ol' Michael in this form. What I wouldn't do to tell him to fuck off and leave shit well enough alone.
I won't, of course. If only because I know that in the end it would hurt Brian. That's the last thing I want to do. He has to pretend enough, he has to be someone he really isn't more times than not. I can't hurt him, or take anything from him again.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
When I see him sitting in the car with his head resting on the steering wheel, I can honestly say that I was worried. Then again, he's not the one who has to suffer through the damn mind splitting headaches… not in that body anyway. Yeah, I have bitch of a time with the damn tension headaches and migraines, but never again will I dismiss his for something trivial. Fuck… His are a thousand times worse than mine.
Of course it could be just me. My guess is that he's used to them by now. Or as used to them as anyone could get. Of course, it could also be that when it hit, it was like a fucking mac truck running me over. I never had the warning signs… or I don't know them in this body anyway. I used to, but then he got to hiding this shit from me, and I guess I might have forgotten. But damn… I had a fucking crash course that's for sure.
And the hand. That's another thing he hid from me. That and Michael. It makes you wonder what else he is… was… hell is hiding from me.
The sad, depressing thing is, I want to know. I want to know what's going on with him. I don't want him to hide this shit from me, but then again, I understand. I know where he's coming from, and I think I understand why. Well, not sure really about why, but I plan on finding out. “You okay?” I ask as I open the door and sit in the passenger seat. It is so strange sitting here. I'm not used to NOT being in control.
Yet another thing I am learning about Justin.
Justin lifted his head and looks at me, a small smile playing across … my lips. “I know now why you drink so damn much.” Okay, well I can't deny that. I can guess as to how his day went. The same shit that I have to go through day in and day out. “Ohhh… Vance needs all the damn information or the plan, whatever on Liberty Air by Monday.”
Great, just great. Hopefully, we'll be back in our own bodies by then. That's all I can say. I don't know if either one of us can stand this much longer. I know I can't. I don't know how he deals with it all.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
We head back to the loft, and I think that this is the most time we have spent together without fucking. Of course that would just be entirely too strange for words. I don' t know if I could even THINK about that. It's been at least two hours since we have returned to the loft, and not a word has been spoken. It's almost eerie. I am so not used to this.
Even when Brian and I were together we would still talk. Well talk and fuck, and neither one we have been doing, not in a long time. There is so much I would want to say to him, but I can't. I don't even know where to start.
“Why didn't you tell me you were still having problems with your hand and headaches?” Brian broke the silence.
“I didn't think that you would care,” I tell him honestly. What the hell, it's not like I have anything else to lose. Right? “Plus, I've been dealing with that shit for a while, I guess I'm kinda used to it. My hand only fucks up with I'm tired, stressed… angry. Plus I know the warning signs. I know now when to call it quits for a while.”
I can just see the wheels turning inside his head, and I really REALLY don't want to deal with this. I don't want his damn pity, I don't want to hear his crap about me telling him this shit. It's not like we're together anymore. I don't have to tell him a thing.
“I'm going to bed. Maybe with a clear fucking mind I can come up with some way to get my life back.” I tell him as I walk up the stairs to the bedroom. I am tired. So damn tired of dealing with all this shit. Do I understand Brian? Yes! God dammit yes! But what good does that do me? He doesn't know me, he doesn't treat me as an equal, or won't as he liked to point out to me. I know why, and I understand it.
Brian is about control. His whole life he had to fight for what little shit he could get. His family is fucked up, and there is no way that he, himself, wouldn't be a little scared and fucked up over it. Hell who wouldn't?
The thing is… I also understand, more now than before – why he needs to keep his feelings inside. It's not so much him, cause he was always different when it was just the two of us… but it's what everyone expects him to be. And he needs that. He needs to be in control, feel like he has something in his fucked-up life that he can control. Cause God knows that emotions and relationships are so out of control all the time that you don't know which way is which.
I can't fault him. I can't. The only thing in his life that he has control… almost real control over is himself. If he plays things like he is the asshole that everyone thinks he is, then he has some control over the way things go.
Did I know that before? Yes. I just forgot. Much like I forgot a lot of things. Like between the two of us. He never could voice what he thought… well felt. With what he does for a living, he knows how empty the words are. People use what he sells, whatever, for their own personal reasons and it's never the way that it should be. Love, words on paper doesn't mean shit if you turn around and oh I don't know… beat the shit out of someone.
I had time to go through some of his ‘personal' belongings. Some of the stuff that he has had hidden for who knows how long. I have seen the ‘love' shown by his family, and even friends. I also know how empty it must have felt to him. I look at the shit with Craig the same way now. Luckily for me… at one time I had that love. Brian never did.
I only wish he could or would want to see things from my perspective. I guess that's what this whole mess was for.
I hated him for not showing he cared in front of others, but now… now I really understand, better than I ever could before. I knew it, but I still tried to fight it. Especially since he showed ME every day. He showed me, and I let the others influence what I was thinking.
We were both at fault. Neither one of us is more to blame than the other. I just wish that there was something I could do with this knowledge. Maybe if … no when we get out of this, we can at least be friends. Anything has to be better than nothing. We need each other, that much I know without a doubt.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
I watch him head up to the bed, and I figure that I need to head out of there. He’s right in that right now, I don’t think that either one of us can think clearly. I need to try and figure out some things for myself. Do I understand him? Do I want to? Before I leave, I move up to the bed and sit down on the edge. I have missed him in my bed, I have. “There are some things I need to know first, Justin. Then I will leave you in peace and we can hash all this shit out tomorrow. Okay?”
I can’t believe that I’m being so calm about all of this, but seeing him in the bed I guess I get lost. Yeah, so it’s my body, but it’s him. In my bed. A place he hadn’t been in a long time. Justin sits up a little and lets out a long sigh. “What?”
“What is this shit with Michael? When did it start?”
Justin actually laughed. The little shit laughed, and I have no idea what that means. “Brian… he’s hated me from the moment that I came into your lives. The first time I met him… well the time he took me to the diner, he told me that I should leave. That first day we knew each other he told me that. Every chance he got he would tell me that I didn’t belong, that I was only a trick that wouldn’t go away.”
Okay, so I can’t dispute that, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought they had gotten over it. “When that mess with the zucchini man happened. It was Michael who told me that I was only here because you felt sorry for me. He’s the one who never asked me about Ethan, then went and told you instead of confronting me, and letting me break it to you. I know I was wrong, but maybe things would have been a lot easier on us if I had been given the chance.” Justin ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. “Most likely not. I should have just come clean to begin with… but that’s just one huge mess of my own making.”
“Of both of ours.” I tell him. Yeah, as much as I want to blame him 100% for the whole Ethan thing, I can’t. I am man enough to take some of the blame in that shit. Not all mind you, but some.
“Anyway, he’s the one who told me to leave and never return after the break-up. He’s the only who told me that no one wanted me around. It’s just a constant bunch of bullshit that I just have to deal with. It will never get better, cause Michael will never accept that you wanted me and not him.”
How can I dispute that? How can I even think that what he’s saying is wrong? “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Cause Michael was … is your bestest best friend in the whole wide world.” Justin said with a hint of sarcasm. “Who would you believe? The damn twink who wouldn’t leave or Michael who knows you better than anyone? Michael who you will always love and will always be there for. I have always known that I couldn’t compete with Michael, or his place in your life, so I guess I just deal. It’s the only thing I can … could do if I wanted you in my life. That’s the way things go.” Justin only shakes his head, and he gets out of bed moving toward the bathroom. “Listen, Brian, I don’t think that anything else can be covered right now. Maybe…”
“I’ll be back in the morning. Bright and early.” I make my way over to the door, wanting to stay for a number of reasons. One it’s my home, my haven. It’s strange being in Justin’s body, knowing that I… he doesn’t live here anymore, hasn’t for a long time. Which I guess brings me to number two. I want him here. I want to be with him.
I’m so fucked. I do have a lot to think about however. So much shit going on, and I have to try and get a handle on all the information that had been thrown at me today. So I head to the… Christ, the bus stop toward Justin’s apartment. Maybe I can get a sense of what I need to know there, or at least make some sense of this shit as I’m surrounded by all of his shit.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
When I hear the door closed I feel empty. Completely and totally alone. I don’t want him gone, I really don’t. I want him to hold me all night long, make all of this shit go away, to make it all right.
Am I fucked up much? Yes. I work hard to get away from that type of thinking, both within myself and with what others’ thought. I wanted… still want to be independent, my own man. But seeing him, knowing he’s going through the same damn thing I am then I just don’t know anymore… I want him here so we can try to find a way out of this. Or is we are going to be stuck this way forever; I need to know that he’s there with me. That we can get through this together.
Man, I’m really messed up.
What have I learned about Brian? I guess with me it was mainly a reminder. I had forgotten for a while what made Brian tick, what made him what he was. I guess I just needed to be reminded.
There’s a knock on the door, and I really don’t want to deal with anyone right now. I’ve been fending off phone calls from Michael all day, cause frankly I haven’t wanted to deal with the shit he would say. However, when I open the door it’s not the person I thought it would be. “Ms. Kinney.”
Joan Kinney is standing there looking at me like I’ve just lost my mind. Of course I just called her Ms. Kinney not mom. Well then again, why would Brian call this cunt mom after what she did, what her daughter and grandson did. “Aren’t you going to let me in?”
“No. Why would I? Did you come to see if there was a child here that is being molested?” Ohhh this is going to be fun. I have always wanted to say things to this woman for what she put Brian through, even though I don’t know everything, I know enough that makes me sick.
“That is not funny, Brian.” She pushes past me and heads into the middle of the loft. I can see her look around the room, no doubt seeing if there was someone there that I’m fucking… well Brian’s fucking. I almost wish that there was. Man, I’m actually becoming a little vicious aren’t I? Got to love it at times. Some people just bring out the worst in me. I don’t ever get to have the fun of throwing down with someone. I’m ‘Sunshine’, the good one. The angel. HA! Brian knows the truth about that.
“Why are you here? And I didn’t invite you in if you didn’t notice, so say what you want and get the fuck out. You’re not welcome in my home, not now, not ever.”
“I don’t know why you are so … being so mean. I’m your mother, and I’m allowed to stop in and see my son.”
“Your son?”
“I gave birth to you, even if you don’t want to admit it.”
Okay, now this story I know. Brian told me the whole thing in a night of drunken stumper. “I don’t want to admit it? What about you? Jack never wanted another kid... hell you didn’t want one. You beat the shit out of us… oh sorry, you let Jack beat the shit out of … me as you just stood by and had your little cup of bourbon.”
“I protected you. You are my son, even if I don’t agree with your … choices, you are still my son.”
“HA! What a joke!” I laugh. I can only shake my head as I head over to the bottles of JB on the counter. Pulling out a glass I pour enough to fill half of the glass. “You only cared about what the church wanted, what was ‘right’ with them. Your husband was a worthless piece of shit, and you were no better. You stood by as your worthless piece of shit grandson accused Br…me of molesting him? Well excuse me if I don’t ever want to see you or anyone in that damn family again.”
Joan Kinney turned to face me, and I can see the coldness in her face. I swear I don’t ever know how in the hell Brian made it out of there. I don’t know how Brian could become the man he is today with that as a ‘model’. “Do you blame us? John…”
“John is a liar and a thief. But yet you would rather believe him than your own son. Well excuse me if I don’t give a rats ass about anything you have to say.” I hear more knocking on the door, and I’m already to just throw something. What else could go wrong? Before I can get there, however, it opens to reveal Michael standing there. “Change the fucking locks, he says… fuck me!” I mumble as I take another long sip of my drink. “Why don’t you both just leave? I am not in the mood for bullshit tonight. Good night… Joan. Have a great life, just stay out of mine, and what’s mine.” Hey, that covers it all – Brian and me. Cause no matter what I will always be Brian’s.
“I came to talk…”
“Yeah, and I’m done talking. Good-bye.” I move to where she is standing and ‘guide’ her to the door. I don’t want to put up with her, but then again, I don’t want to put up with Michael lying in wait either. I shut the door – okay slam it – the second she crosses the threshold.
“What was that about? What the hell did she want?” Michael says coming over to me to place a hand on my arm.
Quickly I pull it away, I don’t want him to even touch me. I don’t want him here. “Why the fuck are you here? Doesn’t anyone ever knock?”
“I knocked, but you didn’t answer.”
“That should have been a clue! You have no fucking right to just barge in here. Doesn’t anyone realize that even I want some peace and quiet for one night!” I quickly make my way back over to the bottle and pour another healthy glass.
“Hey, I’m not the bad guy here. I know you get pissy whenever you see your mom, but you don’t have to take it out on me. I was worried about you.” I raise my eyebrow wondering just what in the hell he’s talking about. He didn’t know that Joan Kinney would try and visit her son today.
“Worried about me?”
“You never returned my calls. I’ve been trying to reach you all day.”
Ahhh, I get it now. Michael and his ever NEED of Brian to cry to, to make things right in the world. Everyone puts so much pressure on him; I don’t know how he can survive. “What do you want? Make it quick cause I’m tired as hell.” I grab the bottle and make my way over to the couch. I can feel a tension headache coming on … again, and I just want it all to go away. I did that a couple of times myself, and I think I’m starting to realize just why Brian drinks so much. He doesn’t ever stop; no one ever gives him a break. Christ, I was one of the worst. Always thinking that Brian is the savior, that he can do anything. I know he’s not perfect, but everyone wants him to do everything for them.
“Did you tell Justin about what happened at the party?”
“What party?” I ask, wondering what in the hell he’s talking about. Brian used to tell me a lot of things, but I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“The anniversary party. When you punched me out.” Michael moved over to stand before me, and I can honestly say that I am intrigued. I had always wondered what the hell happened that day, cause I know for a fact that Brian is not normally a violent person. Hell, it was always a pain in the ass just to have him get physical with me, to get... not really violent, but to add some ‘spice’ to things. So to see Brian punch Michael out – his best friend – just freaked me out.
“Really. I have no idea what you’re talking about. And what did he tell you that I said?” It’s not hard for me to play dumb, but I am interested definitely to hear what he has to say.
Michael stands there and looks at me, I guess trying to figure out if I’m telling the truth. How can I not, since I don’t know what happened. “He said that you had told him that I had wanted you to have left him … well you know.” I raise my eyebrows, wanting him to continue. “Dammit, you know what I’m talking about. He said that you had told him that I wished that you had left him lying on the ground in the parking garage.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t fucking breathe. “Get out.” I am able to get out.
“Brian, you know I didn’t mean it. I just don’t know where Justin gets off getting upset about it. And how the hell did he find out!? You didn’t tell him so how did he know? I didn’t mean to say that, so he shouldn’t have a problem with it.”
“Get out.” I need him to leave. Leave so I can have this damn breakdown I feel coming on in private. I know why Brian did it. I stand on shaky legs and make my way over to the bed. I hear the door close behind him and I think he said something as he left, but I have no fucking idea.
I pick up the phone and press the speed-dial. “Hello.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t … what…” I can’t breathe, I can’t think. “How could Michael say…”
“Justin? Justin, what’s going on? What did Michael say?”
“I know, Bri… I know why you… I can’t breathe.”
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
I pick up my jacket as I quickly race out the door. I don’t even know if I grabbed the keys, but I’ll be dammed if I care. Something happened, something big and Michael is right in the middle of it. Christ! Why can’t things just go easy for once?
Then it hits me. What I had told Michael, what I knew in the back of my mind would happen. Fuck me. Why didn’t I do something? I should have done something. I knew Michael would run to me after that shit, come to me and complain. I knew it and it didn’t even really register. I was trapped partly in being me, and then again I was trying to be Justin. So I didn’t even think that if… when Michael went to me to complain he would go to Justin and tell him. Fuck!
I keep the phone connected to Justin as I quickly stop a taxi to take me to the loft. I have to get to Justin, and that’s the only thing that I care about. The only thing that I have to do. I have no idea what the hell Michael was thinking, but I know… I just fucking knew! Things just have to get back to normal and soon cause I don’t think that I can go through this anymore. I don’t know if Justin can to be honest.
By the time I get to the loft, the door is open waiting for me. Justin is sitting on the couch just staring out at nothing. I walk over and pick his cell phone out of his hand to rest my hand on his shoulder. “Hey.”
“Between your fucking mother, and Michael… it’s amazing that you even survived this long.”
“My mother?”
Justin went over to the small bar and completely bypassed a cup to take huge gulps from the bottle. I know this; boy do I fucking know this. I hate the fact however, that Justin is having to deal with all my shit on top of this other mess. Granted seeing dear ol’ Ian wasn’t a highlight of my day, but that does not come close to dealing with Michael and my fucking mother.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I stare at him wondering what I didn’t tell him, then I remember. Michael. “I knew he didn’t like me, but… fuck.” Justin shrugged and continued to down more of the damn beam I have sitting there. I know I should let him talk, but I don’t know if I really want to hear what he’s about to say. “I remember things, from that night. Things that I never shared with anyone.”
I feel my heart stop in my chest, and I know I don’t want to hear this. I really don’t want to hear what he remembers. It’s bad enough that he remembers the actual bashing… what else could he remember?
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
I can see that Brian’s freaking out, and I haven’t said a thing. “You should have told me what Michael said. But instead you kept pushing me and pushing me to work with him on the comic. Do you have any fucking idea what I go through every fucking second I’m with him?”
“I got a hint of it today.”
“Yeah… what did he say? How he’s only working with me cause you said so? That I’m a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to have anything to do with the family? You know about the mess that he said to me at the diner, how I didn’t belong there that I should just leave everyone alone, right?” I can only shake my head. The alcohol is coursing through my veins and it’s starting to have a nice numbing feeling. This is why Brian does this so much and often. It’s something I’ve discovered, but it’s nice. “Forget it. I… it was just hearing that come out of his mouth… what exactly did he say? Don’t say I don’t want to know, cause I sure as hell think I deserve to know.”
Brian moves over and takes the liquor out of my hand and takes a long sip himself. “He said that you were a worthless piece of shit and I should have left you on the ground to bleed to death… more or less.”
“That’s what I thought.” As we pass the bottle between the two of us, I move back over to the couch and lean back on it. “You know… with everything else that I have to deal with, Michael isn’t even close to being the worse.”
I didn’t even catch Brian’s look at that cause frankly, I’m just too tired. “What could be worse than that?”
I laugh a little and move so I can lie down on the soft couch. “Besides the nightmares, the shakes… my father’s being an ass as usual. The shit with the damn instructors… the diner, the gang. I guess one of the biggest thing is that I know I made the biggest mistake in my life when I left you.” I can’t even look at him so I just keep my eyes closed. “I fucked up, and there’s no excuse for it. I listened to everyone else, and not my own heart. Something that I swore to myself that I would never do. I let others determine my path.”
“So what now?”
“I have no idea. I screwed up I know that. I hurt you even if you wouldn’t want to admit it to anyone, I know I did. I created the rules, and while you were keeping them, I broke every single one of them. I have an idea why, but I don’t know why I actually followed through with it.”
“Okay, I think maybe I’ve had a little too much of that shit, cause I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“You do, you just don’t want to admit it. I fucked up cause after the Prom; I felt so out of control of my life. Nothing was what I wanted it to be. We weren’t want I thought I needed out of life. Fucked up? Yes. It wasn’t the tricks or shit like that. It wasn’t. What it was was my own fucked up view on the world. I had died on the table if only briefly. I had this feeling that I needed something more out of life since I had been given this chance. A completely second chance at life and I was fucking it all up. Still am.”
“What?!”
Oops. Okay so I said the one thing that I swore I would never say. I hadn’t intended anyone knowing that, but I guess this damn alcohol and the whole day has just fucked me over really bad. “Well Marilyn said we needed to know each other, why we are the way we are… guess now you know.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this?” Brian stands and starts pacing the room. I want to feel bad, but I don’t know if I have it in me. “Tell me. Everything.”
I sit back up and lean forward to place my hands on my knees. Guess this is it. Judgment day is here and I have no idea where we’re going to be when the dust clears. Friends? Enemies? Who the fuck knows? I think I really understand him now, why he does what he does. He just doesn’t understand me. And why? Cause I never once let him know. He knew the old Justin, not the one that woke from the coma. That was my fault, not his. Well not entirely his. He didn’t want to talk about it, so I never mentioned it.
Both at fault, and now we have to deal with it. With his family the way it is, the adopted family the way they are… work, his image everything. I know where he comes from. I know why he drinks, hell who wouldn’t with the shit I had to deal with today. I know why he tricks but then again, I always knew that. I just forgot. But the thoughts that went through my mind with just being him for one day… I’m amazed that he hasn’t cut his wrists and ended it all. But I know why he doesn’t.
The same reasons that drive him to do what he does, are also the same reasons why he doesn’t just end it all. Crazy? Maybe. Why give his fucked up family the satisfaction at knowing that they were right? Why leave the family that had been there for him when he needed them, as fucked up as they are… and when they still need him? Gus? Michael? Lindsay? Hell, even me. Brian is a proud man, and would never stoop that low. He’d drink and fuck everything in sight before he took a knife to his wrists.
He’s the best at everything, and he works hard to keep it that way. It’s a mixture of a lot of reasons. Past, present, and future. He’s too proud to screw any of that up.
Guess now it’s time for him to know me. The me of now. Fuck me. I hope we both can survive this, and come out of it in one piece. We’ll see when the dust clears what’s left. It’s time for it all to come out. I hope this will put everything right. This may be maybe the last time I see him, cause after today I have no illusions. It may all be over. I just have to hope that I can survive, and move on from here.
Okay, so I opened my big mouth and now I’m having to try and explain to Brian just what the hell I’m doing, or what I did, happened to me what ever. This was something that I had told myself I would never mention, would never tell anyone and I had to open my mouth and let it all out didn’t I? Great, just fucking great.
“I need more alcohol.” I tell him as I get off the couch and reach for the bottles of liquor on the table. “Damn, we really need something else. Cause I really hate some of this shit. Do you have any juice?”
“Fuck the juice, Justin. You’re stalling.”
“Yeah, well do you blame me? It’s not every day that I let my mouth run like that, and it’s sure as hell not very day that I try to tell someone about dying.” Going to the refrigerator, I pull out a bottle of juice and take it over to the table with the vodka. Not exactly what I had wanted, but hey what can I say? I’m desperate. I really don’t want to talk about this, really don’t even want to remember.
“Justin.”
“Christ, alright.” Sitting down, I stare at the drinks before me desperately wanting to drown in them, but Brian’s persistent. “You know how they say that it’s some bright light and shit like that? Well that wasn’t it for me, that’s for sure. I remember it was like some out of body type thing. I heard the doctors, heard the sound of that flat line… I remember yelling that I was right there, that I was okay. I had no idea why I was there, but I knew that I was okay. I mean I was right there, I could hear them. I can’t even tell you how I actually got back into my body or whatever, or if it is even real. But when I asked the doctor if by chance I had flat lined, he said yes. So I know that it happened.”
“Why didn’t you tell someone?” He asks.
“Yeah, like that’s something I could have told anyone.” I turn toward him and shake my head. “You know just as well as I do that everyone wanted it gone. They didn’t want to think about it, as long as I didn’t seem to have any lingering problems then hey… it never happened. No one cared what I was thinking, or feeling.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Do I? Really? Mom, Deb, the girls… they wanted to smother me. If we just keep him close then nothing will happen. Everyone else, well they just didn’t want to think about it. It really doesn’t affect them, and if the law wouldn’t do anything then why should they worry? You? You didn’t want to talk about it cause and I quote here – ‘I wish I could forget’.”
“Oh and let’s not forget the wonderful idea for Rage.” I have to get up, walk… do something. My mind is just going, completely swirling out of control that I know I can’t even think straight. “I was like, hey this is my chance to tell my story. To tell everyone what I felt, what I was feeling. I could finally talk about it. But what I had hoped it would accomplish, didn’t happen. We did it, worked long and hard despite the whole fact that my hand was fucking killing me. And what do you do? You come in and piss all over it!”
Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t bring all this shit up, but I have to. Once the gate was opened, the thoughts and problems just flew right out. “I know that you were sorry, and I wanted to say yes, I accept your apology, but I couldn’t. I was so pissed.”
“Tell me.”
Leaning against the wall I can only wrap my arms around me, and remember that time. “It hurt. It hurt a lot. I kept thinking that you not only pissed on my work, work that I had busted my ass to do, but you were saying to hell with what it represented. To hell with the fact that I was fucked up for the rest of my life, that I had to live every day with the nightmares and the rest of the shit. To hell with the fact that I died on that table. The fact that I brought myself back, that I am still living instead of dead on that stretcher in the OR means nothing.”
“You didn’t tell me about it, how the hell could I say anything about it if I didn’t know?” Brian asks me and he’s right.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
It means nothing to me that he died on that table… where the fuck is he getting that shit. Did I fuck up when I did that to their work? Yes, I did. I’ll be the first to admit it. I didn’t do it because I … fuck this. “I wasn’t saying anything when I did that. I was drunk, jealous cause I saw you and Mikey in bed together. That’s all it was.”
“But to me, it meant a hell of a lot more.”
“And how the hell would I have known if you hadn’t told me?” Now I’m pissed. He can’t blame all this shit on me. Should I have pushed, maybe, but if he was more open with me to begin with then none of this shit would have happened. We not might be where we are now.
“I know. Okay, I know. But I never thought that I could talk to anyone about it. No one wanted to listen, no one wanted to talk about it so how could I tell anyone about anything. I felt so alone, like I was there but not. Everything in my life felt like it was slipping out of my grasp minute by minute, so why should I fight it? When I did fight, I get a bat to my head, so why should I even try?” Justin walks over to sit back down on the couch, and I just want him to go back to where he was before.
Somehow I get the feeling that he’s implying that he’d get another bat to the head if he spoke up, and it makes me sick. “I would never hurt you like that.”
“You wouldn’t. I know that. Trust me, I do. I just didn’t know much of anything. I didn’t know how to handle anything. Everything that I knew, who I knew I was, was gone. I wasn’t the same person, and I didn’t see things the same way. I should have known that I wasn’t like you, that I wanted more, or something different.”
“So it was the tricks?”
“No… not really. I know who you are, and I love you as you are. The problem was that I tried to be someone I wasn’t. Getting flat drunk, fucking a different person every night just wasn’t me. Yeah, I don’t mind the occasional trick, but there were times that I felt like I had to compete. That I had to be better than everyone else, since in my mind I was damaged. And everyone knows that Brian Kinney wants perfection.”
“I never once said that.”
“No, but it’s always implied. If not by you, then by everyone else on Liberty Avenue.” I watch as Justin leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees.
Were things really that bad? Did he honestly think that just because of what some damn homophobic ass, I wouldn’t want him anymore? Okay, I knew that my reputation wasn’t the greatest… I just didn’t think that he would believe that it would apply to him. Hadn’t I convinced him during out … two years off and on, that he was different? “I thought you knew better than that, Justin.”
“How could I, Brian? How could I know when you never wanted to talk about things. You wanted to just shut things out, and when things got a little uncomfortable, you used sex or avoidance to deal with it.” Okay… I can’t really dispute that, but it wasn’t always, and he should have known. “I’m not saying that it’s wrong, Brian, it’s who you are… and … well I was really messed up, and nothing anyone did or said would make a damn bit of difference. Part of me wants to believe that even if you had told me you loved me a thousand times a day it wouldn’t have worked, I still would have left, and we would still be here. I couldn’t hear what you were saying, verbally and non-verbally because my mind and heart were just so messed up.”
“What else was there? What other thing pushed you to go behind my back to be with Ian?” I had to know.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
He would have to ask all this shit… he really wants to get all this shit out into the open, doesn’t he? Just rip ourselves wide open as we sit here and watch the blood cover the floor. I lean up against the wall, crossing my arms in front of me. I can’t look at him so I find a spot on the far wall to focus on. “It was words, in part. I’m not denying it. But then again, when you have everyone telling me that you don’t love me, that you only took me in because of the bashing… Hell, they were all betting on us not lasting.”
“I guess I’m not really understanding, Justin.” Brian says as he shakes his head, running his fingers through the thick mane on top. “One minute you’re telling me that even if I said … those words to you, you still would have left, but then you tell me that is one of the reasons why you left. What the fuck?”
Lowering my head, I know I’m not making any sense. Hell, I can’t even think straight, and here Brian actually for ONCE wants to have a fucking conversation. Go fucking figure. “I’m just saying that because of everything, I forgot how to read you. I was listening to everyone else, and not to what I should have known. Even if you had said the words… I don’t know if I would have believed you, even if I wanted to hear it so bad. I was fucked up, and nothing anyone could have said would have made a damn bit of difference. Everyone believed that you were some huge asshole, and I was this sweet, innocent kid… but I wasn’t that anymore. I was different, I am different.”
“Ethan promised me things… things that I wanted desperately, and I felt it was stable. Something I needed, and knew that with what we had, and our family we never had that. He made promises, and broke them… just like I made promises and broke them. I’m not denying that at all, but I also know that if you would have asked me to stay… I would have.”
“But…”
“But, in the time that we’ve been apart, I’ve grown. I’ve started to try and get my own life, my own mind back together. Something I needed to do. I needed to see that I could depend on myself and do things myself.” I turn toward him and gave him a small smile. “My whole life someone was always taking care of me. My parents, you, Deb, the list goes on and on. I had to know that I could do it without someone being there to pick me up if I fall. I know now that I don’t have to rely on anyone, I don’t have to have someone there to take care of me. I would like it… I don’t want to HAVE to be strong all the damn time. But I don’t need it.”
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
I didn’t even know that he was feeling that way, that he felt that he had to be strong, and couldn’t take care of himself. “I always knew you could take care of yourself. That you could do what you wanted… whatever you wanted.”
“But I didn’t. That’s the difference.” I watch as Justin moves toward the couch to sit down facing me. “Everyone kept telling me how strong I was… how brave I was, but I didn’t feel it. I was weak, I was scared… I just wasn’t the same. I had to prove to myself that I could do it. Just like you did.”
How he can sit there and say that he was weak… He is the bravest person I know to come through what he has and be standing… Christ. I guess I don’t understand. “Me?”
“yes, you. Brian, you may not believe me, but you are… you are amazing.” I can’t help but look at him. I had hoped we were done with the damn hero-worshiping, but I guess maybe not. “You grew up in a hell. You busted your ass to get where you are today, working your ass off every second of every day just to keep ahead. You want to be on top, and you are on top of everything. Is it always right? No, cause there are times that everyone needs help, but you go forward and do things all on your own, because you don’t think you need to rely on anyone. And that’s all because of how you were raised.”
“Just because you meet dear ol’ Warden doesn’t mean you know everything.”
“I’m not saying I know everything, but I know you… as well as anyone can. Hell, you don’t even know yourself that well.” I want to dispute that but I know I can’t. “All I’m saying is I forgot for quite a while what and who you were. The time I lost myself, is the time I lost the ability to understand you. We’re both to blame for what happened, but I think I’m beginning to understand things more clearly.”
I can only nod my head, cause I have learned more about Justin in the past couple of hours than I had before. Oh the old Justin is still there, but he’s more mature… more sure of himself than he ever was before. I glance at the clock real quick and see that if we don’t get some sleep then neither one of us will be worth anything in the morning. I have a couple of meetings… well Justin has a couple of meetings to do in the early afternoon, so I think we better call it quits for now. Maybe with a clear head we both can figure out what we need to know to get back to our own bodies. Granted, I don’t know if I want him away from me… I don’t want him to NOT be a part of my life.
We both agree to table any further discussion, and meet there in the morning to go over what needs to be done, or known about stuff for that day. Daphne just gave me a strange look when I stumbled in and went straight for Justin’s room. I’m tired, and for the life of me… I have no idea how to fix things.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
When I wake up, I don’t even open my eyes. It just hurts too much to look around the loft, knowing what I gave up, and what is no longer my place to be. “Will you get your ass up? You have an early shift today.” I hear coming from the other side of the door and immediately my eyes open. The futon… that damn lamp… I’m home. Quickly I rush over to the mirror and find myself staring at my own face. I’m back! I’m back in my body!
Sitting back down on the bed, I can only take a deep breath. I guess I don’t have to meet up with Brian that morning since things are basically the same as what they should be. Am I happy about that? Yes and no. I’m happy that I’m back in my body, but I still have that ache in my heart and soul for not being with Brian.
I have to do something. I have to fix things. If yesterday proved anything to me, it was that. Brian needs someone there to help him through the hard times, to be willing to stand by him.
Sitting there I quickly reach for my cell and call Cynthia. I have to do this, I have to try and see if he will take me back.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
Walking into the office was like a breath of fresh air. I am not cut out to be a college student again. This is where I belong, and this is where I need to be.
Granted I already feel the loss. Yes, I feel a huge loss now that Justin isn’t there, isn’t with me. I want to call him and find out how he’s doing, I want to find out a lot of things. I want him to come home, I want him there with me… but I also know him well enough now… to say that some things he needs to feel that he has control over. He wants, no needs to feel that he is in control. He’s not some little kid anymore who needs someone to tell him what to do. It has to be his choice, his decision. He wants and needs to feel that we see him as a man, not as that young teen.
I know he’ll come… when I don’t know. I just have to hope that one day real soon, he will come to me.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
It’s late at night, the time that Cynthia said I should come. I walk up to his office, and I know that this time around things are going to be okay. He may think that this is about me… me being a man, but I know what it really is. He needs to know that I’m a man, that I can keep up with him and treat him with respect. Respect that I took away from him when I walked out that door with Ethan. He needs to be able to save face, in a way. He needs me to admit that I was wrong, and make the step, for both of us.
That’s what he needs. It’s my being a man, and him having the control. That’s the way of things, the way that we are and always will be.
“Mr. Kinney?”
“Taylor.” I just love it when he says my name. “Come in. Sit down.” As I make my way over to the chair across from him, I can’t help but smile internally. “You wanted to see me?”
“I gave it some thought. I decided you should take me back.”
”Oh?!?”
”Even though I've made a few mistakes; I think you'd be making an even bigger one not giving me a second chance.” We both know what’s really being talked about, but I can’t help but playing it off as if I’m actually talking about the job.
*~*~ Brian *~*~*
”I see” I can see that he’s trying not to laugh. Hell, I’m trying not to laugh.
“Cuz, now I understand what it is you want of me.” I can only raise my eyebrow to him, as I continue to try not to laugh out loud. “And I know what I can expect from you.” Of that I have no doubt anymore. He knows me, now a hell of a lot better than anyone else.
”You also understand you'll be required to work long hard hours. Sometimes deep into the night.” Oh and I am NOT talking about work. We have a lot of time to make up for and I plan on starting right the fuck now.
”It'll be a pleasure to work under you, sir.” Of that I have no doubt either. Little shit.
”And you are never to play violin music in my presence again.” I can only look at him, letting him know without saying it, that he’s forgiven, that I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t go through that again.
*~*~ Justin *~*~*
“I promise.” I whisper to him, kinda seductively. I know exactly what he’s saying, and I know that I will never leave him again. I will never again lose sight of what I want, what I need. We’re in this together for the long haul, and to hell with anyone else.
”Good. Well then....you can start immediately.”
*~*~*~*~*
The End…